Chapter Text
Stabler Siblings (No Dad)
Kathleen
So what are we getting Dad for Father’s Day?
Maureen
Therapy?
Dickie
Anger management classes?
Eli
A punching bag, he busted his old one
Lizzie
I’m sensing a theme…
Kathleen
He’s not been that bad, I mean Uncle Randall can piss anyone off.
Although, maybe he needs an outlet for that energy.
Maureen
What the hell are you talking about?
Kathleen
Suppose he had someone to focus on. Maybe romantically?
Lizzie
FFS, we are not setting Dad up on a date
Eli
Who’d date him? An old bald guy with five kids and soon to be three grandkids? Also btw he’s a pain in the ass and is almost always working undercover; yeah I’m sure we’ll have all of New York wanting to date Dad.
Dickie
Don’t hold back Eli, tell us how you feel.
Eli
STFU I’ve been up all night because of Becky’s morning sickness and am on eggshells, exhausted and still waiting to hear about the police academy.
Lizzie
Maybe you should have worn a condom; didn’t Mom and Dad teach you anything?
Eli
Fuck off Lizzie
Maureen
Language. Anyway, if we were to get involved in Dad’s dating life, which is so wrong, who would we set him up with?
Dickie
Who could put up with him you mean?
Kathleen
Well let’s think... Who do we know that is single, can tolerate Dad and all of his bullshit, can handle the five of us and has experience with the job and knows that date nights might be cancelled? Especially when she has such a similar job herself and her own kid. Whoever could that be?
Lizzie
Seriously? You want us to set him up with Liv?
Kathleen
Yeah, come on, we all know there’s something there. Haven’t you seen the necklace he bought her?
Maureen
Dad bought Liv a necklace? He never bought Mom’s presents. He either got me or Liv to do it.
Kathleen
Well he did. Look.
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Dickie
Well, there goes any inheritance we might have had.
Lizzie
Damn, OK I’m in.
Eli
Dad’s gonna kill you
Kathleen
But if it means he and Liv get their shit together, so be it.
Maureen
Screw it, Liv is literally the only person who can tolerate Dad and besides, we all know her so it’s not like she’ll turn out to be a psycho.
Lizzie
You’ve been watching your Hallmark movies again
Maureen
Shut up. Dickie, you’ve been quiet.
Dickie
It’s Rich, I guess before you go ahead with Kathleen’s dumb plan. I guess I should tell you
I once asked Liv if she and Dad were sleeping together
She denied it but yeah…
Maureen
YOU DID WHAT?
Kathleen
When did you do that?
Lizzie
Also how did Dad not kill you?!
Dickie
It was when we were kids, I was mad at Dad and Mom and took it out on Liv. I apologised but yeah…
Kathleen
And this is why we still call you Dickie. Dick
Eli
LOL. anyway what is this master plan?
Dad is telling Becky about each of Mom’s pregnancies. He needs a distraction so I’m in.
Also apparently when she was pregnant with Kathleen, she ate nothing but PB&J sandwiches for two weeks straight.
Kathleen
Gross.
So my plan is still in the developing stage but if we happen to invite them both to a dinner at a restaurant and just book the table for two…
Lizzie
You want us to Parent Trap them? Seriously?
Kathleen
Any better ideas?
Maureen
Short of one of us being sent to the hospital?
Eli
I volunteer Dickie
Lizzie
Same
Dickie
Hey!
Kathleen
That can be Plan B. Something which Eli also could have used.
Eli
Fuck off
Maureen
She’s not wrong. Just because Mom and Dad refused to use protection doesn’t mean you had to do the same thing.
Eli
Again. Fuck off
Dickie
What about Noah? He might not want his Mom dating. He doesn’t really know us that well yet.
Kathleen
So we get to know him. He’s Liv’s kid so he’s basically one of us already.
Lizzie
That might be weird for him. Maybe if we invite Liv and Noah over for a ‘catch up’, get to know Noah and figure out if he wants in.
Kathleen
That’s brilliant!
Maureen
Another family dinner? After the last one? Do you guys just enjoy the yelling?
Dickie
We’re Stablers. Fighting is how we show love. Also you know Liv is used to it, she’s been dealing with Dad’s temper for almost as long as we have.
Lizzie
It’s like the ultimate stress test. Anyone who can handle a Stabler family dinner is automatically part of the family. It’s why Dickie’s ex dumped him
Dickie
Lizzie, I swear to God…
Lizzie
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These are the screenshots he sent me of their breakup. It’s fine Rich, she was a bitch anyway.
Kathleen
She was awful. As for dinner, Liv knows Grandma so if we invite Liv to Grandma’s with Noah and Dad shows up; there’s both our plans in one.
Maureen
How does Liv know Grandma?
Kathleen
Not sure, Grandma’s a little fuzzy with the story but she loves Liv. Keeps asking Dad if she’s stopping by. If we say dinner is Saturday night, is everyone free?
Eli
I am
Maureen
I should be but Carl might be working.
Dickie
I’ve got a shift but keep me updated.
Lizzie
I have plans but this is more important. I’ll be there.
Kathleen
OK, I’ll tell Grandma and invite Liv. Maureen, you talk to Dad and get him there. Remember, don’t tell him Liv and Noah will be there.
Maureen
Why do I have to do it?
Kathleen
You’re the oldest. Also you ended the fun last time so you can invite Dad this time.
Maureen
I hate being the oldest.
Eli
The youngest is worse
Although… if this works, I won’t be the youngest anymore!
Lizzie
Then you’ll be a middle child
Eli
Gross
Dickie
Join us Eli…
Eli
Never!
Kathleen
You can’t fight fate…
I’ve told Grandma about dinner, she’s already planning what to cook. This is going to be awesome.
Dickie
Or a disaster
Lizzie
Either way, it’s going to be fun
Maureen
I told Dad, he says he should be there but I did stress that it was just us, Uncle Randall won’t be there.
Lizzie
Another reason why Dad and Liv together would be awesome, can you imagine Dad’s reaction if Uncle Randall tried to flirt with Liv?
Kathleen
He would actually kill him!
Eli
So… are we inviting him too?
Maureen
NO! If you want this to work, we won’t.
At a later date, maybe.
Kathleen
See, you’re still fun.
Also I call dibs on being Liv’s Maid of Honour at the wedding.
Maureen
Let’s get through this first family dinner first.