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Kenny wasn't sure of when, or why, he had started falling for Butters. Yet, as he was carried on the other's back, heading home, he couldn't be more sure. Kenny McCormick was in love with Butters Stotch.
It couldn't have been a worse moment, though. Kenny had made a huge mistake that day, deciding to ignore the worsening pain all over his body in favor of “well, this is how bad it's been lately, I'm sure I can go to school just fine today”. No the fuck he couldn't.
He'd been wanting to sit down and sob the whole day, even worse after he had to get through a whole hour of P.E. His friends asked him a couple times what was wrong, but eventually gave up at the lack of answers on his side. Butters, the only one who knew about his…problem, directed a couple worried glances at him, but didn't bring it up. Kenny hadn't told him how bad it was getting, and he had no plans on doing that, not even as his skin was filling with bruises from the many times he overrated his legs’ ability to carry his weight. Kenny was fine, as much as his body said otherwise.
And if his legs disagreed, well, fuck them.
As he and Butters were going home (the latter was sleeping at his that night, which he always loved), Kenny felt a piercing pain on his ankle. Doing his best not to make it too obvious (failing, probably), he had the realization that he'd completely overdone it that morning. Fucking hell, he'd only gone to school! His body had no excuse to pull that on him, he should be so much stronger than that.
“Ken? You alright?” Butters asked in concern. Right, he wasn't by himself.
“Yeah, yeah, all good” He lied, he felt on the verge of tearing up. He was fucking useless.
“Ok then…” The other teen didn't sound too convinced, but he did give up on his questioning. He, instead, grabbed Kenny's hand a couple seconds later. Butters’ hand felt nice. He could live with that.
Best moment for his knees to make the decision of completely giving up.
Bracing himself for an incredibly painful and embarrassing fall, Kenny could only close his eyes and hope it wasn't too bad. Which made his surprise bigger when he found himself in a certain boy’s arms, not yet having had a chance to touch the floor.
“Ken, Ken are you ok?” Butters cried out in concern.
Shit.
“Sorry” Kenny muttered, finding his vision blurry with tears when he opened his eyes. That sucked. Everything sucked. He'd made a fool of himself, his body was shaking, and Butters was worried about him. He'd royally fucked up, and all because his body couldn't work properly.
Butters placed a soft kiss on the top of his head, one of the few things they only felt safe enough to do with each other away from the judgment of their shitty small town. God forbid two boys are physically affectionate with each other, Jesus Christ.
“Let's go home mhm?” Butters asked, and Kenny didn't find the strength to do more than give this a small nod.
Butters, however, refused to let him walk home on his own (embarrassing, sure, but understandable too), and instead settled for giving him a piggyback ride. He didn't find it in himself to complain, Butters was doing this because he cared and Kenny was grateful for that. He hid his face on the other's neck, enjoying the fruity smell of his shampoo, wrapping his arms around his body careful not to choke him. Kenny weighed a lot less than he should for his age, but it didn't make him appreciate Butters’ strength any less. He felt safe and comfortable there and, shit, maybe he liked Butters better than a friend.
Fuck.
He could feel the crushing certainty of it, Kenny McCormick was in love with his best friend. He couldn't be more sure of it, actually.
Maybe Butters didn't love him back though… But that was ok. Feeling the warmth of his body under his own, he knew it didn't matter. Butters was his best friend, and that was definitely more than enough.
* * *
As they were approaching Kenny's house, he tugged on Butters’ sleeve to get his attention. The latter hummed in a questioning matter, indicating that he was listening.
“I gotta walk now, dad’ll start bitching if he sees us like this” Kenny pointed out.
“Well that's real mean of him” Butters muttered, but he still complied “Is he even home anyway?”
Back on the floor next to his friend, Kenny shrugged.
“Better safe than sorry” And with this, they feel into a comfortable silence for the remaining couple minutes until Kenny's home.
His house, well, it was safe to say it wasn't better than when he was a kid. The paint was all broken, completely fucked up, and the roof now had a plank of wood on it - it had fallen right over Kenny's bed (obviously killing him) a few years ago, and they still didn't get around fixing it. But, well, as much of a mess as it was… Kenny liked his home, he liked it a lot.
As soon as the boys got through the doors, they could see a man sitting on the couch. Kenny stopped still, putting his arm in front of Butters so he did too, and took a closer look at him - ok, crisis averted, it was just Kevin.
“Hey dude” Kenny greeted, stepping into the living room.
“Sup princess, how'd your day go?” Kevin directed his attention at him, rather than at the TV or at the beer next to him.
“Eh, same bullshit as always, nothing new” Kenny kept his answer vague on purpose, Karen was the only one in his family who knew about what specifically had fucked up his day, and he wanted to keep it that way.
“Hm, same here” Kevin nodded “Karen's at the Broflovskis’ for a project, by the way. She called right before you got here”
“Cool, cool. I'm going to my room, call if you need something” He started walking away, Butters following closely.
“Won't do; before you start having fun remember your room’s right over this one” Kevin smirked, finally seeming to acknowledge Butters’ presence.
A middle finger was Kenny's only answer to this as he ran upstairs, making a point to get there before Butters could ask to carry him - once was more than enough.
As Butters got up there, Kenny walked to his room, his friend closely behind. He opened the door and sat on his bed, soon letting his torso fall on it too. Butters sat by his side and smiled down at him.
“Tired?”
“Fuck yeah” Kenny nodded, which got Butters to pause. Shit, what'd he done this time?
“You shouldn't have gone to school if you were feelin’ like this” Butters pouted.
“Eh, could be worse” Kenny shrugged it off. Didn't work.
“How many times have you gone out in this pain?” Butters wondered in a rather concerned tone.
How many times had it been?
How many time had it passed since these weren't considered bad days, but the usual?
How long had it been since Kenny's last good day?
“Dunno, a lot?” Kenny responded, nonchalantly.
Please don't ask anything else.
“Wait, so when you said the bruises were ‘cause you fell, you really meant it?” Butters asked with a puzzled look.
“Uh, yeah?” Kenny responded, caught off guard. “Why?”
“We all thought you were bein’ abused and coverin’ it!” Butters laughed. “Fallin’ is like, the most used excuse for that, Stan was real sure Stuart was hittin’ you or sum! We all were!”
Kenny started laughing as well, until he had a not so great realization.
“Wait, if you thought my bruises were abuse… are they really that bad?” He looked away as he said this, not sure if he wanted to hear the answer. Butters softly put away a lock of Kenny's hair, in a caring manner.
“They're kinda, real bad Ken” Butters sighed. “You should uhm, get somethin’ for this maybe…”
“Something like- like what?” Kenny was more sure he didn't want to hear Butters' answers each passing second. Shit. This couldn't be happening. He could deal with his body, it wasn't that bad.
“Like a cane or somethin’? So you don't fall when I ain't there, and so maybe it hurts less I dunno, I ain't sure how all this works sorry” Butters was also looking away now, probably afraid of how Kenny would react.
“I don't need a fucking cane!” Kenny jolted up (hell that made his back hurt a shit ton, not now body he was trying to make a point) and stared at Butters dead in the eye. “I'm not a fucking- a fucking cripple! I'm not fucking sick! This is bullshit!”
Kenny was shaking. Of anger? Of fear? Who knew. He hated this, he hated it so much.
“I'm not sayin’ you are, just…” Butters’ eyes were gentle. Kenny wanted to get lost in them, they felt safe and comfortable. Even if Butters was the one making his heart beat so fast he genuinely felt like it was gonna jump out of his chest, and not in a good way. “How much stuff have you not done cuz it hurts? How many times have you skipped school, or job, cuz you couldn't walk there? How many times have you told us you didn't wanna hang out cuz you were in too much pain to? Ken, this might help you”
How many things had he missed out on during the last few years? How often was he unable to get out of bed without help? How often did he wish he had help those times?
Kenny leaned onto Butters, his head right on his chest. That was comfortable.
“I hate you” Kenny mumbled, still pissed.
“Nuh-uh, no you don't” Butters giggled.
“Even if I needed whatever you want me to get - which I don't - how would I afford it? I'm the poor kid, remember?” Kenny tried a different approach, trying his best to convince Butters his idea wasn't a good one. It wasn't, by the way. He could manage and would keep doing so.
“Well, I dunno, I could help you pay for it?” Butters suggested. “And, when you have the cane, you'll stop skippin’ work so you'll get more money!” Somehow knowing what Kenny was thinking, he quickly added “And you'll be able to pay me back with that money if you want, tho you don't have to, it's ok, I just want you to feel better”
Feel better? Feel better his ass, this was a huge pile of bullshit. Kenny wasn't sick, Kenny could manage, and Kenny didn't need a fucking cane. What would his classmates say? What would his friends, what would Cartman say? What would his father call him? ‘The McCormick kid can't even walk by himself, he's such a sissy’ ‘He thinks he's strong? He's a fucking cripple!’ Shit shit shit. He couldn't get through that. He had done his best all his life to appear as strong as he could, to be always on the cool kids’ side, because he couldn't help anyone otherwise. He couldn't lose that now. He simply couldn't. Fuck, he couldn't.
“Ken, breathe” Butters told him softly.
But he couldn't do that either.
He felt like he was drowning, his lungs were filling with water, filling so quickly it poured out of his eyes. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't see, and he was only barely aware of with how much strength he was clutching Butters’ clothes. Fuck fuck fuck.
‘Kenny McCormick can't even breathe correctly, what a loser’
A moan of pain escaped Kenny's throat, the closest to a cry for help he could muster in his state. Had he been a bit less lost in his own brain, he would've known he was having a panic attack, but he wasn't in the kind of mindset he would've needed to process that.
“Hey, Kenny, I want you to look at me” Butters' voice, like a lifesaver, took him a bit closer to reality, close enough to find himself sitting in front of his friend, their hands together. Butters’ eyes were blue, a light blue that in anyone else would’ve been unsettling, yet in him was nothing but beautiful “Well done, you're doin’ great”
Kenny nodded (or did his best to), more tears leaving his eyes as he did. He was so pathetic.
“I want you to do somethin' for me, can you Ken?” After not receiving an answer, he continued. “I want you to try and breathe with me, can you do that?”
This time, Kenny managed to muster the strength to actually nod, even if weakly. Exaggerating his movements, Butters breathed in some air, signalling Kenny to do the same. Then, he breathed out, and the process repeated. Sometimes during it, he would whisper words of encouragement, such as “well done” or “almost there”. Slowly, Kenny felt himself calming down, and he ended hugging (or rather, leaning onto) Butters, his eyes closed and his face feeling weird due to the dry tears.
“Sorry Ken, I didn't know you'd feel like this, if I'd known I wouldn’t have said that, I'm real awful sorry” Wrapping his arms around Kenny's torso, Butters apologized, his voice still quiet as if not to trigger him.
“Hm, 's fine, I'm the one who reacted shitty” Kenny mumbled, the panic attack leaving him almost out of energy. “It's just…”
“Just what?” Butters questioned.
“It's scary, you know? I don't know what people will say, how they'll react. They'll laugh at me, or they'll treat me weird and as if I were made of glass. Dad will probably be pissed his son's such a pussy, and all the kids at school will be assholes about it” Kenny felt on the verge of tears once again, but he shallowed them before they could come out. He wasn't gonna cry again.
“Well, as a real clever feller told me once” Butters said, his hand playing with Kenny’s hair “Fuck what anyone thinks, as long as you're happy”
As much as he wanted to make a joke about having his own sentence quoted on him, Kenny could only give that a tiny wet laugh and a nod.
“And yeah, people are assholes, but you're real great, I'm sure you can manage. And,” Butters held Kenny by his shoulders, pulling him away from his body so they could look at each other, and stuck out his pinky “I'll be there with you, no matter what, and I promise I'll always see you the same. ‘Cause you're my best friend, and you're real fucking awesome”
Kenny smiled widely, a new wave of tears falling down his cheeks, though this one was rather of happiness and relief. With a small giggle, he linked his pinky to Butters', and for the first time in such a long time, he was finally sure of what he had to do.
“I'll hold you to that Buttercup”