Chapter Text
If I could go, go into my heart
And search for all the places I left the spark
To find a way, way back to the olden days
Before it started falling apart
I might find it waiting in the corner
Somewhere in the dark
If I could go, go to where it all began
Yes, I would take it back to the start
“Back to the Start” - Michael Schulte
Julio Spring carried two heavy bags of greasy Chinese food through the front door and kicked it shut behind him with his foot. Once he sat the bags on the coffee table, he went back to the entryway to remove his shoes. He took a moment of small pleasure in leaving them where they had haphazardly fallen, instead of lining them up in a perfect row.
Back in the lounge, he unpacked many cartons from the bag and tried to choose what to eat first. He had enough food to feed six people, but he couldn’t choose just one entree. Then he remembered that he didn’t have to choose only one and ordered anything that sounded even remotely good. He turned on the telly and put his stocking feet up on the coffee table, just because he could. He opened the Kung Pao chicken and started eating directly from the container with chopsticks. He spent the next two hours in peace, enjoying only the company of himself, Jade Garden’s finest, and Manchester United.
Once the game was done, he packed up the leftovers and put them in the fridge. He left the greasy napkins on the coffee table, again, just because he could. This whole living alone thing was going to take some getting used to, but Julio was looking forward to it.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Julio spent the next few days unpacking boxes, organising his things, and making lists of items he needed to purchase. He hadn’t taken much of anything from the house because 1) he didn’t want to argue any further with Jane, and 2) he hadn’t been allowed to choose much of anything for himself in the last 30-something years. He wasn’t sure if he had any taste of his own, much less what that might be, but he was excited to figure it out.
He spent an inordinate amount of time wandering every square metre of Ikea. He ended up buying a duvet with a bold navy and yellow plaid that he knew Jane would hate with a passion. He thought it was masculine looking and quite cheerful. He added a deep pile blue rug to his cart that he knew would feel great on his feet getting in and out of bed. He kept to the theme with dark blue bath towels and flannels.
His first thought was to buy the practical set of simple white dinnerware, but decided they were too boring for his new life and went with a dark grey set instead. In an act of defiance that the intended target would never see, he bought a set of tea towels for the kitchen with neon bright citrus slices on them. They made him smile.
He had a lot of fun looking at all the cookware, imagining trying new recipes with actual spice and flavour to them, but stuck to the basics for the time being. Walking by the baking section gave him a pang of sorrow, thinking of Nick, and therefore Charlie, but he was hopeful that that situation might improve soon.
He felt a bit like a kid on Christmas morning, unpacking all the new items back at the flat. It was so simple, but putting things in cupboards and drawers in an order that made sense to him was so satisfying.
The last thing he placed was a large art print over the sofa. It was a tranquil scene of a beach and palm trees. It reminded him of growing up in Mojacar and made him smile every time he looked at it.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Now that his new home was in order, Julio set his mind to his next big task…..mending his broken relationships with his children. He supposed that even having a relationship with his children in the first place was more accurate. He hadn’t spoken to Olly in over a year, and it had been much longer with the older two. He hadn’t seen Charlie in at least five years, and Tori in almost three years.
One by one, his precious children had declared their intention to go no-contact with Jane and his own relationship with them was collateral damage. They had all pointed out, to some degree, that although he himself was loving and supportive, they felt like Jane would wheedle out any information they might give him. Tori and Olly had been more circumspect, but Charlie had flat out told him he didn’t trust Julio to keep him safe from her. It was a bitter pill to swallow, but he couldn’t say Charlie was wrong.
He hadn’t protected any of them from Jane. At first, it was easy to cede control to Jane because she was home with the children all day and knew them better than Julio did. As time went on, Jane was less and less interested in Julio’s input when it came to the kids (or anything else, really). He did try to intervene on their behalf occasionally, especially Charlie’s, but she was a stubborn, overbearing woman and took no back talk from the kids, or from him.
Jane wasn’t always the harsh, rancorous woman she was now. When Julio met her in uni, she was vibrant and passionate about the things that were important to her. He knew her relationship with her own family, especially with her mum, was rocky at best, but at the time, he didn’t give it much thought other than I hope we spend most holidays with my family . Little did he know the red flag that had actually been.
Jane was so excited to be a mother and having a girl was a dream come true. Having Charlie just over a year later was accidental and probably affected her mental health more than he realised. Not only was she exhausted, neither of their older children lived up to the image Jane had in her head for them, right from the start.
Tori hated the frilly dresses and hair bows that Jane was so thrilled to put her in and would take them off as soon as she was old enough to get out of them by herself. She refused to participate in any of the many activities and classes that Jane eagerly dragged her to. From the jump, Tori was an independent, introverted child who simply wouldn’t conform to anything Jane tried to impose. Eventually, Jane lost the battle of wills with Tori and more or less gave up.
Charlie was very agreeable as a baby, but as soon as he could walk and talk, early signs of later struggles started to emerge. He was an incredibly picky eater, which irritated Jane to no end. Growing up in her own family, you ate what was presented to you without a word of complaint, and you finished your plate. By the time Charlie was three years old, the doctor was concerned that he was underweight because Charlie would just rather not eat at all than to eat foods he didn’t like or in quantities he wasn’t comfortable with. It wasn’t until years later, once Charlie had gone to hospital for ED treatment, and he and Jane had met with the therapists, that Julio really thought about this in context.
In many ways, Charlie was just as stubborn as Tori, but he was much more sensitive, so Jane’s barbs and criticisms had a much harsher impact. Before Charlie’s mental health collapsed completely, Juilo could see that something was going wrong with Charlie, but Jane brushed off his concerns and doubled down on her overbearing control, thinking she could harangue him into being happy and healthy. Even after he returned from hospital, she was reluctant to follow the edicts of the treatment staff if they conflicted with her own instincts.
In the aftermath of Charlie’s implosion, Jane was either incapable or unwilling to adapt. It led to so many tense arguments, screaming matches, and Charlie bolting from their home. It was as clear as day that Charlie’s OCD acorn hadn’t fallen far from the tree. Julio had tried and tried to get her to agree to family counselling, individual counselling, and eventually couples counselling, but she never budged. Julio could count on one hand the number of times she admitted to the children that she was wrong that he knew of.
Julio had been so hopeful with Olly. He was a surprise baby, but a happy one. From day one, Olly was the most charming, cheerful baby that Julio had ever seen. That never really changed, even through the trauma of Charlie’s ordeal. He remained their sunshine child. But as Olly approached adolescence, Julio watched the same pattern play out again with Jane.
She started criticising Olly’s clothing, friends, and music. She put more and more pressure on him to get good grades (which he always got anyway). The older and more independent Olly got, the more Jane tightened control. She just couldn’t seem to help herself.
Julio had checked out a book from the library about parenting adolescents from the library and read during his lunch hours at work. The book said that as children approach their teenage years, it was the normal and expected time for them to start pulling away from their nuclear family and to turn more outward for their needs. Therefore, it was the time for parents to start loosening control. And therein was the crux of the problem.
You could really boil it down to this: Jane Spring was always the mother she thought she should be , instead of the mother that her children actually needed .
Tori ignored her mum with disdain. Charlie internalised the criticism and buckled. Olly, however, got sneaky.
He was perfectly happy to use his charm and wit to lie right to Jane’s face and she had no idea. For the handful of times that Jane caught Olly lying or sneaking out, Julio was certain there were a dozen times he wasn’t caught. Any punishments were accepted without complaint and then Olly would go right back to doing whatever the hell he wanted, once the restrictions were lifted. And in the meantime, Julio watched as Olly pulled further and further away until the young man sat at their dining table was nothing but a facade put on to keep his mother off of his back. Julio didn’t think either he or Jane knew the real Olly.
If he were a different kind of parent, and honestly a better parent, Julio would have found a way to intervene somehow. Arguing or reasoning with Jane had never worked, though, especially when it came to the children and eventually he had given up. He tried to work things subtly and gave the kids as much love and support as he could on his own. But he knew, and accepted, that he was in large part to blame for his utter lack of relationship with his own children.
Oddly enough, it was Olly cutting all ties to Jane and, by extension Julio, that was the final straw in their marriage.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
When Olly made his uni choice, he chose the furthest practical location, in Edinburgh. Julio was certain that they would rarely see Olly back at home after that, and he was right. Olly spent no more than three days in Rochester for Christmas and a week or less during the summer. Jane was furious, but there wasn’t much she could do about it. He either worked, travelled, or volunteered during holiday breaks. Julio was positive that he was staying away on purpose, and honestly, he didn’t blame the kid. Julio was sick of her by this point too.
A month before graduation, Jane had been talking about Olly moving back home until he got a job and saved up some money to move out. It wasn’t a question or a discussion. She had made these plans for him and she expected him to follow them. He and Jane had been on speaker phone when Olly told her in no uncertain terms that he would not be moving back home, nor would he even be returning to England, except for a short visit at Christmas, when he would get the few belongings he wanted that were still in the house.
After a long moment of silence, Jane, in a word, lost her shit. Five minutes into her rant, she was shrieking at Olly that he was an ungrateful brat and just one more disappointment after his siblings. At that point, Julio yanked the phone from the table, told Olly quietly that he was sorry and would call him back, and hung up.
Jane was furious and turned on him then. Screaming in his face about what a doormat he was, how he never stood up for her with the kids, and that she had raised the ungrateful failures by herself. It was the first time Julio had ever raised his voice to her, but told her to shut up before she said something that couldn’t be fixed. Jane threw her teacup against the opposing wall and stomped up the stairs, while Julio sat in shock.
She was obviously having some kind of tantrum upstairs, but when Julio heard glass breaking, he rushed up the stairs. He found her screaming incoherently in Olly’s room, ripping posters off of the walls, flinging books off of the shelves, and thrashing anything she could get her hands on. Julio was terrified that she had finally lost her mind completely. He had rushed up behind her and grabbed her, pinning her arms down. She thrashed and yelled obscenities at him, but he refused to let go. He warned her that if she didn’t calm down, he was going to have to call for psychological help. She fought for another few moments, but finally quieted. He continued to hold her until the tension in her body released and he was certain she wasn’t going to lose it again.
He carefully let go of her and quietly told her to go to their room and lay down, in the most authoritative voice he could muster. She stomped out of the room and slammed their bedroom door behind her. Julio let out a huge sigh and sat on Olly’s bed, looking around at the destruction.
That’s when it hit him how broken their family truly was. Jane was not well, but would never seek or accept help. He’d tried for years. He was utterly certain that this would be the catalyst for Olly to cut off contact and then none of his children would have anything to do with them. Worse yet in his mind, none of his children would have any parents to help them through life.
It was this thought that sent tears streaming down his face. He realised that he didn’t want to be here either and began to make plans for his own escape.