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When Lucifer slept, his breathing was quiet and even. Oftentimes when he went to bed he preferred to be sprawled on his back, but by morning, however, he was always on his side, curled up slightly and with his tail encircling him, as he was now. Alastor would know because he’s witnessed it many times. Not that he was a bedfellow of the man, Heavens no. He’d simply learned it through hours of watching the little king sleep, knife in hand.
Alastor had done so every night for the past week, though he would never admit it to another soul. Not that he could face anyone right now; not when he looked so disheveled and gaunt. Perhaps it was a testament to the desperation of his situation, or simply a manifestation of his cowardice given the fact that, night after night, he couldn’t just lift that knife and take the plunge.
Tonight, though, was different. He didn’t think he could allow himself to exist any longer if he allowed this night to roll on by without retribution. His body had finally stopped its horrid tremble, and for once in about a week, he was able to form coherent thoughts that weren’t about Lucifer Lucifer Lucifer .
The angel rarely slept, but when he did, it was deep. It was helped by the fact that the sinner’s shadow was sneaking an obscene amount of sleeping pills into his drinks every night. So, when Alastor pushed his shoulder, the king easily slipped onto his back, and as the bed dipped beneath the sinner’s weight, Lucifer only shifted slightly to get comfortable again.
It wasn’t until Alastor straddled Lucifer’s waist that he finally began to stir, and when the cool kiss of a blade met his throat, the king’s eyes finally snapped open.
His gaze was hazy, still processing the demon above him, but when it finally registered in him just what was happening, he went through a visible range of emotions. His brow furrowed in confusion, he swallowed thickly in apprehension, his sclera melted into hot crimson anger, and then faded back to yellow as his disposition seemed to settle on understanding . This was no doubt because he was finally taking in the Radio Demon’s disheveled, sleep-deprived state. The killer’s hands had the faintest hint of a tremble, and despite being in complete control, Alastor seemed close to hyperventilating. A steady stream of white noise was emitting just behind his tightened grin, its unnatural sound putting a distressing tone behind the absolute mess that was the usually well-kempt Radio Demon. It was the product of a week’s worth of hiding away in hopes his torment would end.
“Alastor,” Lucifer whispered, voice quiet due to the bite of a knife against his throat.
“Your Majesty,” Alastor responded in kind, expression unreadable.
“Is that what I think it is?”
“Angelic steel? But of course.”
“Are you planning to kill me with it?”
“I am.”
A beat passed before Lucifer uttered a strained “I’m sorry I touched your ears.”
Glowing crimson eyes narrowed with animosity, the knife pressing down deeper into Lucifer’s flesh. The angel struggled to swallow, bringing his thumb and middle finger together in preparation.
In just a single snap, the holy creature could erase Alastor from existence permanently. The question was whether he would be able to do so before Alastor could thrust his arm down and completely decapitate him. Perhaps they would both meet their demise at each other’s hands. One of God’s favorites simultaneously slaying and falling to one of God’s biggest mistakes. Mutually assured destruction if ever Alastor heard it, and he was more than willing to chance it.
With his free hand, Lucifer tempted death with a brush of his thin fingers against the blackened palm planted by his head. “Al—”
Alastor hissed at the contact; not from pain, but utter relief .
“ Don’t touch me! ” he snarled, welcoming the unease that settled back on his skin once those fingers lifted.
“Okay. No more touching,” Lucifer rasped, but it was already too late. He was already able to feel the tremble of the demon’s flesh through the knife at his jugular.
Tremors had begun to set into the Radio Demon’s bones, just as he’d feared they would. Every time he would enter this room with the intent to slay the angel, the agonizing chills that would zip through his spine usually signaled the beginning of the end; a sign that he would be leaving the room free of blood and welling with shame.
He couldn’t back out now, though. Not when he’d already crossed the line. There was no doubt that if he lifted away the knife, he would be destroyed. Whether that would be by Lucifer’s hand or his own remained to be seen.
Sucking in a deep breath, Alastor ignored the trembling and focused on forcing his voice to comply with his commands. “Tell me, Your Highness… What is happening to me?”
The angel that tormented his dreams was silent at first, but the suppressed panic etched onto his face spoke volumes. “I don’t—”
“ Don’t lie to me! ”
Lucifer flinched at the piercing feedback in Alastor's voice. The knife pressed deeper, finally breaking through skin and causing blood to pool where metal met flesh. The steady flow of static emitted from Alastor broke at the smell of the divine substance. He wanted nothing more than to pull that knife away and clean the seeping wound with his tongue. When he tried to force those thoughts away, he only began to shake harder.
“You—” Alastor swallowed hard, each word becoming harder to force out. “You’ve done something to me, Sire,” he choked. “When I see you, I can’t help but feel… good . When you speak to me, my skin prickles with elation. If I go a day without you, I feel as though I’ve lost the sun.”
Lucifer remained silent, merely watching Alastor with what looked to be guilt .
“They tell me that what I feel is love, but I’m not fucking stupid, Your Highness,” spat the Radio Demon, his eyes squeezing shut at the memories flooding him. “The coffee you serve me is awful , but I find myself craving it every morning. Your flattering words mean nothing to me, and yet I only desire more. I can’t stand you, and yet I want to be near you at all times. And when you touch me, I—” His voice shook as he took in another breath. He could feel phantom fingers combing through his hair, stroking his ears in comfort. The touch was literal euphoria, but when he tried to dismiss these thoughts, he was just about ready to vomit.
“It hurts to deny these feelings, Lucifer. I feel as though I’m in physical pain when I try to distance myself from you. And no matter what I do, I can’t get you out of my head. You plague my dreams every single night and I just want it to stop .”
He wrenched his eyes open to stare down at Lucifer.
Lucifer was the very picture of remorse. It pained Alastor to see it and he didn’t know why. Something was deeply wrong with him.
“What’s happening to me, Lucifer?” Alastor demanded, retightening his grip on the knife. He hadn’t realized how loose it had gotten in his grasp, nearly ready to topple onto the floor. Lucifer hadn’t even made a move to bat it away.
The muse of his nightmares stayed dead quiet, his lips parted with words remaining unspoken.
Alastor’s voice broke as tears he didn’t know he had began to slip down his face. “Lucifer, please. ”
“I’m sorry,” Lucifer whispered, his own voice quivering. “I didn’t realize it was hurting you this much.”
An admission. Finally. Confirmation letting Alastor know that he wasn’t going fucking insane. “Please. Just tell me what’s going on,” Alastor begged.
“I’m an angel, Alastor,” Lucifer murmured, his eyes trained on the tears tracking their way down Alastor’s cheeks. “A seraphim of the highest order. We’re made from light and love. I am a literal piece of Heaven. When sinners are around me, they feel nice. Content. *Happy*. And when they try to deny that happiness, it can lead to… problems. ” The pressure on the blade lessened and he was finally able to swallow and release a trembling breath. His voice was cracking with tears and shame. “The effects increase until they give in to their Heaven. It makes them feel like they can’t live without us. That’s how they keep problematic winners happy and docile up there.”
An answer. Finally. Finally an answer. Alastor could scream to the Heavens right now.
It all made sense now, but despite his elation at finally having the truth, his anger quickly began to rise at the memories of every little interaction he’d had with the king. How their spats had grown more frequent and less tense over time, the way Lucifer insisted in sitting beside Alastor every mealtime and meeting, how Lucifer always seemed to want to engage in conversation with him, the insistence on making him coffee and accompanying him on tasks and joining him for Overlord meetings; it was all so obvious in hindsight. Alastor had fallen for this deadly poison, never recognizing its true nature until the thirst set in and his stomach began to bubble with toxic blood.
He wanted to slay the angel here and then for the crime of deceiving him, but first, he needed to make these feelings go away. “Make it stop, then,” he demanded.
“I can’t,” replied Lucifer. “It’s just a part of what I am. This is what happens when sinners get close to me.”
Images of Lucifer’s hands approaching his own returned, followed by a simple request. Alastor didn’t know why he’d ever agreed. He’d been too happy . He could still recall how delicate the man’s fingers had been, carding through his hair and being oh so gentle with his ears. It had only been a week ago and yet the sensations played within his mind on repeat.
“And, pray tell, what happens if you touch them?” Alastor demanded coldly.
Lucifer’s face twisted with guilt. “Alastor…”
The sinner was filled with rage. His knife pressed further into Lucifer’s throat, causing more of that delicious blood to pool. “You fucking bastard! You knew what you were doing to me.”
“I was going to tell you, I swear, but—”
“But what? You wanted me to be nice and docile for you, is that it? A pet you could play with?”
Glowing yellowed eyes widened in shock at the accusation. “Alastor, no . I would never see you that way.”
“Then what is it, Your Majesty ?” Alastor sneered.
The king’s voice grew frantic with adamancy. “I was afraid that if I told you, you’d push me away.”
A hysterical laugh spilled from the Radio Demon’s lips. “Right on the money, Sire!”
Lucifer snapped his mouth shut, cringing as hot ichor ran down either side of his neck and stained his bed. “Listen, Alastor. I want you. I’ve wanted you for a very, very long time,” he admitted, sounding strained and desperate. “You make me feel alive again. You make me want to want again. I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t tell you.”
Sympathy began to unwillingly rise for Lucifer, and despite the pain it caused him, he shoved it back down. “So you did this to me, fully knowing the effect it had on me.”
“I didn’t want—”
“You think I would be grateful to have you force these feelings unto me?”
“Alast—”
“You thought you could just have me all to yourself as though I would ever truly want y—”
“ I had no idea it would get this bad! ” Lucifer screamed, tears pricking his eyes despite his more demonic features beginning to show.
Alastor was silent. He stared at Lucifer, at a complete and utter loss.
Lucifer took a moment to try to keep his voice from shaking. “Alastor, I am so fucking sorry I did this to you. I didn’t mean for it to get this bad. I was hoping my angelic presence had dulled after my fall, but it hadn’t. I tried my best not to force anything onto you or make you do things you didn’t want to, but it didn’t matter either way, and I feel awful . I just… I just wanted to be with you. Had I known my presence was doing this much damage, I would have kept away. I’d take it all back if I could.”
A tearful scoff was what he got in return. “How do I know you’re telling the truth? For all I know, you could end my suffering here and now.”
“Alastor…” Lucifer looked genuinely hurt by the accusation.
Alastor looked away. Even without the influence of Lucifer’s angelic presence, he could tell the king was being truthful. Lucifer was many things, but he wasn’t a sadist. “How do I make it stop then?” he demanded instead. “How do I get you out of my dreams?”
“Well, you either leave my presence for a prolonged period of time…” Lucifer began slowly.
“I can’t do that,” Alastor snapped. “You know I can’t do that.”
“Yeah, I know,” whispered Lucifer, willing himself to see the thick collar and leash that wrapped tightly around Alastor’s throat, just beyond the realm normal sinners could see without magic. The deal essentially chained Alastor to the hotel, making it impossible for him to fully leave Lucifer's presence for longer than a day.
“The only other way to make these feelings stop,” he continued hesitantly, “is to let yourself have what you want.”
Alastor balked at the suggestion. “But I don’t want to want this! I don’t want to want you !”
Lucifer smiled sadly. “I know. I’m sorry.”
Silence filled the room as they stared at one another. Alastor’s tears had faded into simple wet track marks, but his grin still wavered and trembled. The knife dug in further. “There’s always a third option.”
All it would take was a quick thrust of his knife and it would all be over. Charlie would be upset, sure, but it would all be worth it. All these feelings would stop .
“Al…” Alastor looked down to see Lucifer’s expression. It had relaxed considerably, donning a look of understanding. “I think you should let go.” He flinched as widened eyes stared down at him in angered horror. “It’s okay.”
Alastor’s hackles raised in an instant. “No it isn’t!” he shouted, his claws digging into the bed and piercing the sheets. “I’m not falling for your foolish bastardization of love!”
“I’m not asking you to love me,” Lucifer assured him, his voice even and unafraid. “Look, we’re going to figure this out, okay? Once we find a way to break your deal, we can talk this through, but right now, you’re suffering. ” He looked like an angel , his features soft and caring. It was tainted with pain, as if seeing Alastor suffer was truly causing him to suffer in return. “Just… let me take the pain away. Let me make you happy .”
“I don’t want you to make me happy!” Alastor denied, a hysterical tremble in his voice as the tears began to reemerge.
Lucifer reached up to touch Alastor’s hand, but stopped midway there. Just the graze of his fingertips would cause a mountain of relief to flood the pitiful sinner, but he held back. It was almost as if he truly didn’t want to force such relief onto Alastor, even if the angel’s life was on the line for it.
Alastor was eternally grateful for Lucifer’s mercy. It gave him a semblance of a choice, even if illusionary.
His grip on the knife began to loosen. Tears dribbled down his chin and stained Lucifer’s night shirt.
Lucifer hesitantly reached up towards Alastor’s face, clearly wanting to cup his cheek, but he held back by mere centimeters. “Alastor. It’s okay,” he murmured softly. “Let yourself be happy.”
Alastor whined in pain as he shook his head, the sound accompanied by a quick clicking, as though someone were rapidly flicking through radio stations. He was trying so hard to fight the agony of denying the angel in front of him. All he wanted was for these feelings to stop. He was so tired and in pain and desperate and he wanted nothing more than to just—
Alastor’s last shred of sanity snapped and he leaned his cheek into the offered hand.
The knife fell from his grip as utter relief flooded his body. He embraced Lucifer then and there, allowing himself to finally let go. The sinner choked out a sob as the seraphim’s angelic light washed away all of his pain. Lucifer returned the embrace and began to gently comb his fingers through the sinner’s silky locks, hushing his sobs and murmuring gentle praises and comforting assurances. Assurances that he would fix this and take care of Alastor, and Alastor so desperately wanted Lucifer to be telling the truth, but he could hardly distinguish what was even real anymore.
His craving for the angel was finally quenched, and for the first time in so very long, he could finally think again without having Lucifer plague every one of his thoughts. His world seemed to finally right itself again, and he knew he could finally return to normal.
The only difference was that now he was in Lucifer’s arms, and he wasn’t sure if he would ever be able to leave them.
In that moment, though, Alastor didn’t mind. He was happy .