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“Andy?” Sirius asked softly.
“Yes, Sirius?” She calls behind her, weaving through people trying not to lose her in the flow of witches and wizards passing him by. He wasn’t sure how Andy had managed to do it, convincing his parents into letting Sirius tag along as she bought things in Hogsmeade for the upcoming school year at Hogwarts, but he wasn’t going to complain.
“Why are they looking at us like that?” He asked, trying not to shift uncomfortably at the stares from other people walking around. He pulled his coat around him tighter, feeling far too overdressed for this situation.
“Because you’re a Black,” she answered simply.
“Is it because I’m not at Hogwarts yet?” Sirius asked, a bit of panic in him. “Will they tell mother?” Andromeda smiled, pausing to look in the window.
“Doubt it. She’d probably hex them for speaking to her.” Sirius looked in the glass of the store window and pulled at his face slightly.
“I don’t have anything on my face,” Sirius said, trying to reassure himself. “So they don’t have a reason to look down on me.”
“Oh you’ll learn Sirius. People will either look down on your name because they are envious, or they will lift you up on a pedestal for the same reason. You cannot escape the last name, no matter how hard you try. It’ll haunt you - like the Black family madness.”
“What’s the Black family madness?” Sirius asked, trailing behind her as she decided against the item she was looking at in the store window and moves on.
“It’s an excuse.”
“An excuse?”
“For our family's bad behavior.” She huffed before turning around to face him. She cups his face in her hands. “Don’t believe them. There is no madness. There is a spark - a rebellion within every one of us. That is the madness they speak of, but it’s those who chose to act upon their fire who are burned off the tree and shunned as insane.” Her eyes were intense as she continued. “Don’t believe them. Don’t lose that spark. I can see it inside you, that little touch of madness. Grab ahold of it and don’t let go. Promise me?”
Sirius nods, not completely sure what he’s agreeing to, but it seemed important. “Promise, Andy.”
She smiled, clearly pleased with his answer. “Good.”
She walked towards the next store, and Sirius raced to keep up with her. Next glance he saw cast their way, he jutted out his chin and walked proudly.
“I won’t let them win,” he tells himself. “I promised.”
***
Sirius awakes many years later to the sun streaming through the curtains of his bedroom. He rolls back, seeking warmth from his partner only to find the other side of the bed cold. A wave of emotions crashes over him. Sirius curls himself into a ball and breathes in the scent of Remus’s pillow before he feels tears start to fall down his face.
He let them all down…
***
“Do you think it’s real?” Sirius asked back at the end of fifth year, turning to look at Regulus.
“What?” Regulus asked back, taking a puff of smoke from his cigarette.
Mother would kill him if she found out he had corrupted her golden child with the habit, but somehow Regulus had the ability to go cold turkey at the holidays. Sirius had a feeling that it wasn’t as much of a habit as him. That he only did it to be closer to Sirius, and Sirius knew deep down he’d never stop offering them if that’s what it was.
“The whole Black family madness thing.” Regulus exhaled the smoke and considers this.
“Andy told you it was an excuse, right?” Sirius nodded. “I trust her judgment.” He paused in bringing the cigarette back to his lips. “Don’t tell Cissa I said that.”
Sirius laughs. “Please, I think she stepped on my foot on purpose last Christmas.”
Regulus snorted. “Probably.” He took another puff of it.
“There… there was something else Andy said. It’s kinda stuck in my brain now more than ever with this entire appeasing the dark lord thing.” Regulus sighed.
“So you overheard that, huh?”
“You knew?” Sirius asked in surprise.
“Cissa told me. I think she wants to warn me. Maybe by extension you as well.” Sirius rolled his eyes, not completely believing that their cousin would actually care about the black - heh - sheep of the family. “But what did she say?”
“Well, she said that all of us Blacks have this fire inside us. We’re mad when we choose to rebel and act on it.” He takes another puff of his cigarette before sighing it out of his lungs. “Do you think our parents think I’m going mad? Do you think that’s why they…” Sirius swallowed hard and kicked his boot slightly against the stones of the Astronomy Tower.
“If they think that’s going to take it out of you, they're stupid.” Sirius huffs in laughter. “But I do think you have to be careful. You are still their heir after all. Even if they hate who your friends are, and who you hang around with, they still want you within their realm of influence.” Regulus takes another breath in of the smoke before continuing. “You’re the heir so everything you do reflects back on them. That’s why they want control. It’s all about reputation.” Regulus looks over with a slight smirk in his eyes. “I’d also make sure they don’t figure out about that werewolf friend of yours.” Sirius froze up. “I know he’s not on the registry.”
“How do you know that?”
“Severus,” Regulus replied simply. “Asked me if I knew that one of your friends was a dark creature. I told him that he was lying, but if he happened to be telling the truth, he better shove it so far up his throat it gets stuck there and never comes out. Told him I’d assist him in it, if he was too cowardly to do it himself.” Sirius laughs in slight shock as Regulus looks over. “I think he got the message.”
“Thanks… I was wondering why he hadn’t said anything.”
Regulus shrugged. “Think of it as a favor for a friend, or brother… But my point still stands. You should be more careful. Keep your head down more often. You can have that spark, but-”
“But don’t show it?” Sirius asked, it coming out more biting than he meant to. Regulus sighed and nodded.
“I know what that sounds like, but. I’m worried.”
“I won’t take the mark.” He takes a deep breath. “I can’t… It won’t take… I’ve heard rumors that if you’re not fully willing to take the Dark Mark that it backfires.” Sirius shakes his head. “It’ll backfire… I know it will, and I don’t know what the consequences of that will be.”
“Mother’s consequences may be worse.”
“Than dark magic?”
“She will use dark magic if you don’t. You know she will. She’ll crucio you into insanity.”
“Then - then I’ll run away before she can.”
“Sirius.” Regulus sounded like he was scolding a child, but Sirius was excited. He wondered why he didn’t think of this before.
He turned to Regulus with a glimmer in his eyes. “You can come with me. We can go together.”
Regulus shook his head. “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“I’m not like you!” Regulus bursted out. “I don’t have your - your draw. I don’t have your friends with loving families that I can run too. Pandora is an exception, but the Rosiers… do you know what they do to Evan?”
Sirius shakes his head.
He’d noticed the Rosier boy at some of their balls before. He’d always been kinda quiet and kept to himself. It made sense that he and Regulus had become quick friends. Now Barty Crouch Jr…
“But - you can come to the Potters. You’ve met James. They won’t turn you away.”
Regulus shook his head again. “I have a duty. A responsibility. I know they aren’t the best and their views are interesting, but I can’t abandon them. I won’t.” Regulus gets to his feet. “They are all I’ve known.”
“So what? If they make you take the dark mark will you?”
“Yes.”
Sirius is taken aback by this. “But you’re-”
“-Not like them?” Regulus laughed cooly. “They are my blood, Sirius. You are my blood - no matter how corrupt it may be, I have a duty. I must do as they ask.” He swallows hard. “I wish you had the same resolve.” Sirius is about to retort something, but Regulus stomps the cigarette out under his boot. He huffs before looking up at him.
“Make nice with Lupin. He’s one of your friends that are actually half-way decent.” With this he turned around and left Sirius looking after him in disbelief.
He never saw Regulus smoke again.
***
“So Remus was with the packs this entire time?” James asks in surprise. Sirius swallows hard before nodding. “Oh Merlin, I can’t imagine.” Sirius shakes his head with a sad smile.
“Me neither.”
That was the understatement of the century. Sirius was horrified by the revelation.
Remus and him had this tradition, even when they were upset at each other, they didn’t sleep on the couch - or one of them in the guest room of their cottage or something. Remus had woken up screaming from a nightmare when he’d returned. Sirius sprang up in bed hearing his boyfriend crying out as if in pain. Remus woke up in his arms…
Before Sirius left that morning to visit the Potters, he’d asked Remus to come with him. Remus politely declined, saying his limbs hurt.
Sirius heated up a bath for him before he left, but even still he’d hesitated at the floo.
A part of him still felt like he should be back with Remus instead of here, but he couldn’t stay away from his best friend and the lovely family he’d created with Lily too long.
“How are you two?” Lily questions gently. “I know things were tense when he left last time.” Sirius grimaces and puts his coffee down, resigning to the fact that even though he probably barely only had a sip, he was unlikely to finish it.
“I…” Sirius takes a deep breath. “Well of course neither of us can expect things to instantly go back to normal.” Sirius picks at a loose string on the sofa. “Our relationship has been cool for about a year… Now that we know the truth of both of our whereabouts, we’ve begun the process of patching our mess up, but I…I don’t know how much of it is salvageable.”
“What do you mean?” Lily asks gently.
“Lily flower,” Sirius sighs. “I don’t think Moony loves me anymore.”
Both James and Lily make sounds of disagreement. Sirius puts a hand up.
“Just hear me out before you deny it. He has no reason to. I said some pretty unforgivable things before he left last time. I-I called him a traitor to his face. I told him I hated him.” Sirius grimaces. “I asked him why if he loved me, it was so easy to leave me."
“Pads,” James says gently and Sirius shakes his head.
“No I know-”
“-I don’t think you do. Remus not loving you would be like the world spinning off its axis. It cannot happen.”
Sirius bites his lip and shrugs. “He’s been so quiet since he revealed it,” Sirius whispers. “It’s like he’s walking on eggshells around me. I know I deserve it, but it still hurts.”
Lily shakes her head. “Sirius… Remus has been in love with you since he was eleven.”
“-And I was supposed to be his safe place. His escape from everything, and I failed. I promised him and…”
“You can’t help the war sneaking in,” Lily says gently. “It happens for everyone.”
“I believed he’d betray you both, betray me… I was the one person in the world who was always supposed to believe him - to be on his side - and I failed him.”
James and Lily exchange a glance and take a deep breath in synch. Sirius feels something pull at his heart.
Him and Remus used to have that kind of mirroring, but they’d long fallen out of sync in their path through life together. Sirius rubs at his chest hoping to soothe the pain within.
“Have you talked to him about how you feel?” James asks.
“Prongs, have you met me?” Sirius chuckles sadly.
“Yes, but it’s Remus.”
“I know…” Sirius whispers. “I know.”
***
“Where are you going?” Sirius asks worriedly, looking up from his book as Remus pulls on his brown jacket. Sirius got it for him for Christmas two years ago when they'd first moved into the cottage by the sea in Wales. He noticed subtly that all his other jackets quickly fell out of rotation. Even now, it pulled at Sirius’s chest when Remus wore it.
“Not to the Death Eaters, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Remus answers cooly. The sarcasm he'd adored about Remus from his school days had become a bit sharper recently. Sirius sighs, his partner’s tone snapping like a rubber band back at Sirius’s chest. He rubs it, hoping to take out the sting.
“Remus, you know that’s not what I meant.”
Remus pauses, shoving his hands in his pockets.“Mission. I should be back tonight. Since I’m not working with the packs anymore, they're putting me on some Death Eater cases that require a good Defense Against the Dark Arts Skill. At least that’s what they tell me…” Remus rubs the back of his neck and Sirius wishes desperately that he can take his hand in his and squeeze it in reassurance. “Surprised they didn't put you on it with the auror training you got, but Prongs will be with me... Don’t you have a mission of your own with Ted Tonks in about an hour?”
Sirius nods. “Andy sent me a letter earlier to not let her husband get killed.”
Remus cracks a small smile. “Sounds like her. Give her my regards.”
They stay like this for a moment, Sirius looking at Remus, and Remus looking at the door. Sirius felt like it must be oddly poetic in some sense. How he can’t look away from someone who was looking at the exit.
Sirius pushes the throbbing in his chest away as he walks over to him. Remus’s head snaps towards him as Sirius reaches up to fix Remus’s collar.
“There you go.” He rests his hands on the lapels of his boyfriend's jacket. He looks up and finds those deep brown eyes gazing right back at him. “Please take care of yourself.”
“I-I’ll try.”
If it was a few years ago, Sirius would have leaned up on his tiptoes and sealed the promise with a kiss. But he wasn’t nineteen anymore. Neither of them were…
Sirius takes a deep breath and slowly backs away with a smile. “I know you will.”
Remus offers him a sad half-smile before turning to the door. Remus hesitates with his hand on the doorknob before walking out. Sirius watches him go, his heart pounding in his chest.
He could feel his entire body revolting at letting the man he loved walk out, and he rushes to the door. He reaches for the doorknob before he hears the crack outside the door of an apparition. He leans his head against the wood and lets out a sound that eerily sounded like a mourning cry.
“Moony…” He whimpers, as the silence of the night sets in.
***
“I think we can call it there,” Ted sighs with a huff. “I don’t think he’s coming out tonight. The dawn group is going to be on duty soon anyways.” Sirius nods and tries to ignore the tugging sensation in his gut. It’d been there all night…
“Ted?” Sirius asks as they walk to their apparition spot.
“Hmm?”
"Do you ever have a really strong gut feeling that something's wrong?”
Ted pauses in his steps and looks over at him. “Yes I have, but only once.”
“When?”
“When Andy ran away and Bellatrix caught her before Narcissa could stop her.”
Sirius shivers, remembering how he hadn’t heard news from Andy for months after that time. He'd been worried sick, wondering if she’d been killed. Andy refused to talk about it to this day, but he’d gathered some clues from Regulus about what had happened from Narcissa. They’d always been close… Ironic now.
“Andy said something about bonding magic or something with wizards or witches and their partners if they were in a love match. She did some research back on it in Hogwarts, but it’s hard to prove that an instinct is magic, you know…What do you feel like?”
“I’ve felt off for the past hour-ish. I feel like something’s wrong and… I don’t think it’s here. We’ve been awfully alert.”
Ted nods before freezing. “Do you think it could be with the other mission tonight? The one with-”
“-Remus.” Sirius’s eyes widen in fear. “No, no, no. Do you know where they are?”
“Yeah, of course. Moody let me know just in case he’d need me.”
“Can you take me there?”
“Sirius, are you crazy?” Ted asks. “Us being there could jeopardize the whole thing!”
“Not if it’s already gone wrong! They may need backup.” Before Sirius can make his case any farther, he keels over in pain.
“Fuck, fuck, what the hell?” He hisses in pain and Ted quickly rushes to his side.
“Oh god. Maybe Remus is in danger.”
“Oh, thanks,” Sirius rolls his eyes and leans against the stones of the building behind them. “That makes me feel a lot better.”
“I’m just saying, maybe you’re right. If you want to go, go. I’ll take responsibility.” He hands him a portkey and sighs. “Dumbledore said to use this in case of an emergency. This may be one.”
Sirius nods, takes it from him and jumps in.
***
It was chaos. That Sirius could ascertain from behind the tree. There was screaming and yelling everywhere…He peaked out and felt a deep horror fall into the pit of his stomach. He couldn’t tell who was in the Order, and who were Death Eaters from this distance, but it was fairly obvious from the chaos that someone must be outnumbered.
He saw James holding his ground easily, but he couldn’t spot Remus. His mind races, trying desperately to come up with a plan. He knew running out there into the fray would make him an instint target, and he’d never find Remus that way.
He takes a deep breath and listens to the second heartbeat. He slowly melts away and finds himself in Padfoot's body. He sniffs the ground and instantly recognizes a scent.
Moony.
He dodges through spells, a black dog bounding through the battlefield hardly attracting more attention. Everyone was fighting for their lives out here, and probably thought the large dog was a figment of their imagination - or a harbinger of death.
He races through the crowd until he finds a sight that turns his blood cold.
Moony was on the ground, with Death Eaters circling him.
He wasn’t moving…
Sirius rushes past them and next to Remus. He howls loudly, his entire mind screaming in horror. He takes a deep breath, taking a risk, and quickly transitions out of Padfoot.
He pulls out his wand and is about to cast a hex that would make the two Death Eaters pay for when they’ve done, before he can, they take off running.
He never knew a pair of Death Eaters to desert like that. He mulls over their puzzled eyes for a moment. He could’ve sworn he recognized those eyes... He shakes this thought off, knowing it could be a good many people from his childhood, and returns to his lover lying on the ground unmoving.
“Moony, baby, please.” Sirius turns him around and looks at how pale he is. He was out cold, or at least, that was what Sirius hoped he was.
"You told me you'd make it home to me. Please, I need you to make it home..." He pulls Remus’s body on his lap. It was cold… almost too cold. Almost like he was…
He can’t help the scream that escapes his mouth. It was a deep kind of guttural wail, one he was sure he’d never heard before in his life. The din quiets down around him as he sobs, clutching Remus to him.
“Remus, please, no.” He sobs holding him close. “Please, please, please.” He wasn’t sure what he was begging for as he looked up at the sky. He didn’t think anyone up there had ever heard his cries for mercy in his life. He doubted they would now.
Soon he hears James's voice yelling. He doesn’t know what he says, but he does notice a bunch of Death Eaters charging his way. He gently lets go of his boyfriend and lets him rest on the ground. If this was the way they were going to go, they were going to go down together.
He rises to his feet and feels something switch in his brain.
He remembered Lily and him sitting by the fireplace at the Potters as James was putting Harry asleep. They were discussing how Mary had simply disappeared one night, without a word. No one had heard from her since.
“It’s strange,” Lily’s quiet voice broke the silence. “I keep bouncing between sadness and anger.”
“I think that would be called the stages of grief,” Sirius advised with a sad smile.
“Yes, but they're so deep. I felt upset when my parents died, but this…”
“I think you may have felt like you already lost them. Mary, you weren’t ready to lose… none of us were.”
“She’d gone into hiding with her family. She just wanted to be safe.” He’d put an arm around her shoulders and Lily leaned her head on his shoulder.
“I know… I know…”
“It’s this deep kind of rage… I’ve never felt it before.”
“I have…” Sirius whispered. Lily looked over at him as Sirius continued to look into the fire. “My brother… They say he’s dead. Narcissa told Andy. The only thing she felt was necessary to break no-contact on.” Sirius grumbled.
“I’m so sorry, Sirius.” She soothes gently.
“It’s fine. I don’t think he’s considered me a brother for a very long time, so.”
“Still, even if they don’t consider you their blood, it doesn’t make losing them hurt any less.” Sirius looked over at her and knew in her eyes, she knew. She knew how it felt. She understood.
He understood her explanation of that anger now more than ever.
It was all consuming. It was churning in him like a fire out of control - a hunger that couldn’t be quenched.
He remembered Remus saying something when he was helping him learn the patronus charm back in school. He’d never understood the extent of what he meant by it until now.
Sirius was struggling with finding a good memory. He wasn’t in a good place back then. He’d been disowned two summers ago, but it was Regulus’s blatant ignoring of his attempts to talk to him and continued effort to have a relationship with him that stabbed deeper than that burn on the tapestry.
It was hard for any memory to be truly good at that point. The ones with Remus felt tainted, and even then he was hopelessly in love with him.
Remus gently wrapped his arms around him from behind and sighed.
“Padfoot?” Remus asked.
“Hmm?” Sirius asked in return, hoping his wand shaking wasn’t obvious to the boy behind him. Usually he was the affectionate one of the two, but he wasn't exactly minding the flipped roles.
“Think of it this way. Intention matters - you know of how your spells get more powerful when you’re angry, or happy, or upset? Think of how the memory made you feel in the moment and let it sink in. Not how it feels now.”
“I know. I’m trying.” Sirius lowered his wand. “Maybe I should just give up for now.”
“The test is tomorrow.”
“Professor said it was extra credit.”
“Even so, you’ll need to be able to do it for N.E.W.T.s.”
“Are we even taking them at this point?” Sirius asked. “With the impending war and everything, I’m half expecting we’ll all die tomorrow…” He heard Remus sigh and felt the arms release from around his waist.
“Padfoot.” He stood in front of him.
“Yes?” Sirius asked, internally panicking over how close he and Remus were.
“Maybe you need a new good one. Maybe we shouldn’t be focusing on old memories that are tainted, but make something new. Do you want to set up a prank or something? Sneak down to the kitchen? Run around as Padfoot outside?"
“Yeah,” Sirius agreed, following Remus’s lips as he spoke. Remus must’ve caught him looking, because pink started to appear on his cheeks.
“That wasn’t a...Sirius?” Merlin, how he loved the way he said his name...
“Mhmm?”
“I want to - I mean - do you want me to kiss you?” Sirius’s eyes widened. He was about to laugh it off like he always did when James made a joke about that. But when he looked up into those brown eyes, he realized they were completely serious - heh .
Sirius nods. “Yeah. I-I would.” Remus smiled widely before leaning in and kissing him. Sirius swore his entire body ignited under the simple chaste touch. When they pull away, Sirius is sure he isn't hiding very well how utterly smitten he felt. Remus smirked, cheeks stained pink.
“Is that enough? Or do I have to tell you I’m in love with you too?” Sirius grinned, threw his arms around his neck and kissed him senseless.
Yet now, instead of that all encompassing happiness, all he could feel was anger.
They may have taken Remus away from him. That was his person. The man he'd loved since he was eleven. The one he'd promised to protect forever. They were supposed to be home, cuddling together under a blanket on their sofa. They weren't supposed to be here, with one of them possibly dead at his lover's feet.
Whatever the look on his face was, it made a few Death Eaters stop their charge and a few stumble in their steps.
“Alright you found me!” Sirius shouts, sounding insane to his own ears. He extends his arms out and cackles. “Good move, taking him away from me.”
“It’s the Black family madness.” He hears one of them yell to another.
Yes, and you just killed the person who sparked it inside me in the first place. Checkmate.
He smirks, deciding to lean into it. He felt crazy with grief, why not embrace it?
Sirius winks with a grin before whispering, sounding crazed even to himself, “Boo.”
Sirius couldn’t recall what happened in the next ten minutes, but he knew that he must’ve really lost it when he emerged from his rage-filled craze.
He knew bits and pieces from James’s later recounts. He told him of how he wondered for a moment if his friend truly had descended into the depths of madness. “The ground literally shook, mate! I don’t know how the fuck you did that! Death Eaters were screaming and falling every time I blinked. I think Moody turned white as a ghost!”
Moody may have been white, but all Sirius remembered from that time was seeing red. The deep resounding urge to protect the man he loved was driving him to brilliant, almost supernatural accuracy with his hexes. He would not fail Moony. Not again. He promised.
When his rampage is over, he looks around seeing the bodies of Death Eaters scattered around him and Moony. He wonders for a second, in slight fear at himself, if they even had a chance..
Sirius doesn’t give himself time to think about it, picking Remus’s limp body up in his arms and rushing towards James who was looking at him with a mix of worry and horror.
“Please, I know you have the key back to Hogwarts. We need Poppy. I can’t go through Muggo’s fucking bullshit werewolf protocols today.” James quickly nods, pulling the port key out.
They step through and rush down the halls from Dumbledore’s office.
When they get there, Madam Pomfrey is there, closing one of the curtains. She gasps upon seeing them.
“Please, Poppy,” Sirius begs her. “He’s hurt. I don’t know if he’s even breathing still, but please. You’re our best hope.” James nods, bending over panting.
“Oh you poor dears. Come right in here.”
“I know Dumbledore said not to get you involved with order business but-” Sirius apologizes as he begins to walk forward, with James trailing behind.
“This is an exception,” she says simply. Sirius lays him down gently on the hospital bed. “Oh, poor thing, he’s freezing!” She exclaims, after putting a hand on his forehead.
“I know, that’s why I wasn’t sure if he was-”
“-Oh, he’s alive alright. Breathing still, see.” She places his hand over Remus’s chest and Sirius watches. Sure enough, Remus’s chest slowly lifts it as he breathes in and out.
“Oh…” Something within Sirius cracks. He turns to James. “You should mirror Lily, or better yet go home to her. She’ll worry if you don’t turn up soon, especially once the news gets out about tonight.”
James reluctantly nods. “Will you be okay here for now?”
Sirius nods. “I’m not leaving him.” He looks back over. “I can’t… I almost lost him and…” His words begin to get choked up and he can feel the mist rise in his eyes. James squeezes his shoulder.
“I’ll deal with the Order and stuff. You can stay with him, as long as Madam Pomfrey's okay with it.” She hums in agreement from where she’s doing some diagnostic spells.
“Interesting…” She whispers under her breath once James leaves. Sirius looks over at her worriedly and she meets his eyes. “Oh nothing to be concerned about. This is just… this is a spell that must’ve been created by the wand wielder. I don’t think I’ve ever seen this magical compound before.”
“Do you know who cast it?” Sirius asks, not completely sure why he’s asking that question.
She shakes her head. “They hid their signature well, not surprising with Death Eaters, but this isn’t dark magic in the classic sense. It’s a custom spell, trying to mimic the symptoms of death, but… why would they cast this on an Order member? Wouldn’t that save him in battle from other Death Eaters killing him?”
“I’m not sure,” Sirius admits, hearing his own voice shake.
“Oh sweetheart, he’s going to be alright,” she soothes him.
“I thought I lost him… I thought I lost him all over again.” Sirius begins to cry again, and he’s not sure if it’s from the relief of Remus being alright, or the fear that he really lost him forever.
Poppy holds him in his arms and Sirius feels himself sob harder.
“I can’t lose him again… I just can’t.”
***
Sirius wakes up to fingers running through his hair. He hears muffled voices starting to fade away as he begins to come too.
Remus.
He’d know those long and gentle fingers anywhere. He had a thing for Remus’s hands when they were back in school… Well, maybe it was still the current tense.
He feels them gently wind through his hair, rubbing circles into his scalp.
“Oh darling,” Remus’s voice rumbles through the ear that is pressed to his chest, over his heart.
Poppy suggested last night, he thinks, that he sleep like that so he’d fall asleep and stop pacing around her infirmary. Sirius bites his lip to keep himself from breaking down at the sound of those words.
“I’m here,” Remus continues and Sirius feels himself gasp in a breath slightly. “Padfoot?” The gentle voice calls him out of his sleepy haze.
“Moony,” Sirius mumbles softly, slowly opening his eyes and looking up at him. He was a sucker for those brown eyes. They were far more gentle and loving than the night before and it makes something flutter within his chest. Remus's smile widens slightly, as he gazes down at Sirius.
“There you are,” he whispers gently and Sirius feels tears rise to his eyes. He tries to hide his face back in his chest, but Remus quickly holds him where he is. “Are you alright, baby?”
Sirius shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut and feeling tears leaking down his cheeks. “I haven’t been alright for a while.” He hears Remus sigh softly, his thumbs brushing away his tears.
“I know,” Remus says softly. “I know. Come here.” Sirius slowly crawls up on his body and gently lowers himself down, careful not to hurt Remus. He wasn't sure if anything was still hurting him.
However, once he's close enough, Remus’s arms wrap around him tightly. He squeezes him close.
So much for being gentle.
Sirius chokes out a sob and hides his face in Remus’s neck.
“Shhh, I’m here.” He rubs his back gently. “Shh.”
“Moons, I’m sorry.”
“Shh, what for?” Remus asks gently. “I’ve been told I should be thanking you. You saved my life, baby.”
Sirius shakes his head. “No, I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did. Prongs said so, and from the descriptions I've been getting from other Order members all day that isn't a hard conclusion to jump too.” Remus adjusts himself so they're looking at each other. He brushes some hair away from Sirius's face. Sirius leans into his palm, letting his eyes fall closed for a moment. “Poppy told me you haven’t left my side.” He cups his cheek and Sirius wants to melt into all the affection he’s receiving.
“How could I?.. I thought you were fucking dead out there. You were so cold and...I thought I failed you for the last time.”
“What are you talking about?” Remus asks, his brow furrowed in confusion. "You weren't supposed to be on that mission anyway."
“I promised you after you told me you loved me for the first time that I wouldn’t let you go at it alone. I promised you!”
Remus's eyes soften. "Sirius-”
“-And then a few short years I’m immediately calling you a traitor. I called the love of my life a traitor all for stupid paranoia. I told you I hated you...” Sirius feels his body shaking and he grabs onto Remus’s shirt. “I let you down.”
“No you didn’t.”
“Yes, I did.”
“No. You didn’t betray me. You didn’t. You haven’t.”
“But I-”
“-Baby.” Sirius whimpers and clings on tighter to Remus’s shirt. “I know you didn’t understand where I was going. In your shoes, I would’ve been paranoid too. I know how much your blood is connected in this war and how you’re afraid that they're out for you because you left. How you were afraid someone else who you trusted could turn on you without warning.”
“They took Regulus from me… I thought they were going to take you too. I couldn’t have lived with myself if they did.”
Remus hums at that. “They told me this morning that you kind of snapped. It's all over the Prophet. Something about the black family madness, which you and I both know is bullshit.”
"Maybe it's not. I did feel a bit crazy."
Remus hums in response, running his fingers through Sirius's hair again. Sirius leans into his touch.
"Didn't Andy and you joke around about that last Christmas?"
"Mhmm, I think my madness is your fault, sir."
Remus gasps, but Sirius can tell it's unreal. "Me? How?"
"Andy said it was a spark of rebellion," Sirius picks up his head and grins at him. "You definitely fanned that in me."
"Me? I thought that would be Prongs."
"Not like you. You..." Sirius runs a hand down his chest and watches as Remus's eyes follow his motions. "You inspired me to be myself. You were walking proof that everything I'd be trained in for years was a lie. You showed me that there could be more to life. That I could make my own way in it." Sirius cracks a smile, looking down at his hand resting over Remus's heart. "You made me feel like myself, even when I didn't..." Remus puts a hand over Sirius's own. "You still do," Sirius says softly. Remus squeezes his hand.
“Mhmm, I don't think you've changed to much... Even though you do have a body count to your name now.”
“One of a different kind.” Sirius winks and Remus rolls his eyes.
“Oh god.”
Sirius laughs softly, laying his head back on his chest.
Remus sighs. “I missed you, baby.”
Sirius’s heart stumbles in his chest. “I missed you too,” Sirius whispers, resting his head on his shoulder. "So much."
Remus leans over and presses a kiss to his forehead. Sirius smiles to himself.
“I’d do it again, you know," Sirius says softly, nuzzling against Remus.
“Hmm?” Remus hums as he nuzzles back.
“I’d kill a thousand more of them to protect you.”
“Shh, shhh.” Remus turns his body carefully. Sirius melts back into his arms.
“Stay,” Sirius hears his voice crack at the pleading. Remus’s grip around his waist tightens.
“I’m not going anywhere." The way he says it is almost enough for Sirius to believe him.
“I know I don’t deserve it but-”
“-Shut the fuck up.”
Sirius bursts out laughing with Remus soon joining in.
For a moment they're back in the infirmary during their Hogwarts year after a full moon. Sirius is sneaking him chocolate and making him laugh so hard he cries. Madam Pomfrey is scolding him, telling him to be careful Remus doesn't hurt his ribs, but there's a smile on her face.
It's raining outside and Sirius has always hated thunderstorms, but Remus always made them bearable. He's holding Sirius tight in his arms in seventh year as he sleeps. Sirius is burrowing into his sleep shirt and breathing him in. For a moment, all is well.
Sirius breathes in and smiles, smelling the familiar grounding scent of his boyfriend. He sighs out with a small lovesick phrase.
“I love you so much, Moony…”
***
Sirius sniffles and slowly pulls himself out of bed.
He’d promised he’d stay… He promised.
Sirius begins to stumble downstairs when he hears the sound of plates being set against the wood downstairs. He pauses as the scent of bacon hits his nose. He freezes on the stairs before practically running down them.
“Siri-oof.” Sirius clings onto him from behind, wrapping his arms tightly around his waist. “Hi, sweetheart. Sleep well?”
“I thought you left. When I woke up the bed was cold.”
“Oh, baby, I’m so sorry. I wanted to let you sleep.” Sirius gently releases his death grip on his boyfriend and he quickly turns around to face him.
“Come here,” Remus says gently, his tone almost completely easing his anxieties.
Sirius quickly complies and sighs, resting his head on his shoulder. Remus rocks him in his arms, before leaning over and kissing Sirius’s forehead. Sirius hums softly.
“Do you think I went mad out there?” Sirius whispers. They didn't need to be quiet, but this moment felt so precious and peaceful Sirius was afraid that speaking loudly would ruin it.
Remus shrugs. “Probably not," Remus answers just as softly. "But it wouldn’t surprise me if you got angry thinking you lost me. I know I would burn this world to the ground if I lost you.” Sirius blushes, his heart fluttering a little in his chest. He loved it when Remus gets protective over him.
“Mhmm, so not crazy?”
“Not more than you normally are.”
Sirius rolls his eyes with a laugh, relaxing more into his boyfriend’s embrace. After a few minutes of Remus holding him and them rocking back and forth together, Remus softly breaks the morning quiet.
“I love you,” Remus whispers and Sirius feels a profound sense of relief wash over him.
“You promise?”
Remus laughs as if the idea is incredulous. “Yes! It's not like I’ve been saying it since I was seventeen, Sirius.”
Sirius smiles to himself and hides his face in his neck. “I know, I just needed to hear it...I love you so much.”
“I love you too.” Remus kisses his forehead again and Sirius sighs.
“Have you written to Lily yet? I’m sure she’s worried sick.”
He feels Remus shake his head. “Too focused on you,” he mumbles and Sirius smiles and looks up.
“She’ll kill you for that.”
He shrugs. “She’ll understand. She’s always known where my priorities lay.” Remus tilts Sirius’s chin up.
“With me?”
“Always. Always with you, baby.”
With that, Sirius leans up and kisses him. Remus hums and kisses back, pushing him slowly back towards their counters.
“You have a letter from Andromeda that came in this morning,” Remus mumbles as he places kisses down Sirius's neck. He lifts Sirius onto the counter and Sirius sighs. Fuckkk he was so hot like this...
“I’ll read it later.” Sirius wraps his legs around Remus’s waist and pulls him closer. “I’m a bit happily occupied right now.” Remus grins up at him and Sirius feels his heart flutter in his chest.
Now Sirius knew if Prongs was there, he’d make fun of them for being far too sickeningly in love. He’d probably yell at them to better sanitize their kitchen before they use it again.
He’d be right to both of those, but Sirius couldn’t care less.
He was kissing Remus Lupin again, and they both meant it. That was something he wouldn’t let anyone take away.
Even if he had to go mad again to ensure it.