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Two loud knocks and a gravelly cry jolt Eddie from his sleep. “Eddie!” He springs up from his spot on the couch. Please, not another nightmare.
"Eddie! Open up!" The knocks persist, the voice echoing through the living room distinctly familiar. Eddie rushes to the door, hoping to reach it before the next deafening bang comes. He's doesn’t.
"Buck, what the hell?! It's 2 am."
Buck barges in as soon as the door cracks open. "You can't leave."
"Keep it down, man," Eddie half-whispers. "Christopher's asleep. I don't want him to wake up."
"Oh." Buck looks disoriented for a second. "You're right, sorry." His eyes betray fatigue, red-rimmed and swollen.
"Are you drunk?"
"I don't know, maybe. The point is, you can't leave the 118."
Eddie releases a heavy heavy sigh. "Buck, we've talked about this. I need to—"
"No, we haven't," Buck cuts him off. "That's the thing. You decided to leave and I am one of the last people to find out. Why, Eddie?" his last two words punctuated with his desperate need for answers.
Why, Eddie? He hadn’t exactly planned it this way.
The truth was, Buck's reaction was the one he feared most. He knew Bobby would understand and support him. Hen, being a mother, knew the challenges. Buck loved Chris like his own, but he wasn't a biological father. He couldn't fully comprehend the weight, the responsibility. “This was something I had to figure out on my own.”
"You didn't have to though!" Buck’s voice rose despite Eddie's efforts to keep it down. Eddie grabs Buck's forearm, guiding them into the kitchen and shuts the door behind them. The fridge stands nearby, offering a cold beer, perhaps necessary. It takes a moment for Buck's intoxicated mind to regain its focus. "Eddie, please, talk to me. It's me!"
The familiar knot of panic tightens in Eddie's throat. No. He wouldn't let it overwhelm him. He left the job to escape such feelings. He opens the beer bottle and takes the first sip. "Buck, there's nothing to talk about. It's what I told you all on Christmas. Christopher is constantly worried about me, and I can't let this be his life anymore."
"And that’s the only reason?"
"Only?” Eddie's voice elevates.” You don’t think my son's well-being is reason enough?"
"You know that's not what I meant. I've been observing you for months Eddie. I know you're not the same after the shooting. And how could you be?"
There it is again, the dreaded word. The shooting. Everyone just can’t seem to drop it, can they?
"What I don’t understand is why you won't talk to me about it. Eddie..." Buck hesitates, hoping Eddie will meet his gaze, but he doesn't. "I was there too. We went through it, together."
He's trying to help, Eddie knows. But he might as well have sucked all the oxygen out of the room. He finds it alarmingly difficult to breathe and it’s getting harder to hide it. “Buck, I told you, I don’t even think about that any mo-”
"You almost died!" Eddie's head snaps up in shock. Buck is properly shouting now. "You almost died in my arms!" Eddie averts his gaze, unable to meet Buck's eyes. Seeing them takes him right back to that day, that moment the bullet tore through his shoulder, and the only thing he could hold on to was Buck's wide, terrified eyes. The way his shocked brain chose to disconnect him from the pain was by trying to pinpoint where Buck’s birthmark was, camouflaged by the blood splattered all over his face. His blood.
"I know you don't wanna talk about it, but you did.” Buck keeps going “The person I love the most almost died. Then he didn't. But then he left me anyway." Buck shrugs, dismay evident in his voice, his eyes, his mournful grin. It fills Eddie's mouth with bitterness
"Buck, I never left you. I'm here."
"Are you?" Buck scoffs. "You think I don’t see the distance you've put between us? Look at us; even now, I'm in one corner of the room, and you're in the other." Eddie remains silent, refusing to look up, because deep down, he knows it's true. "We're growing further apart every day. The only thing keeping us together was the job, and now you're cutting that bond too."
"It's temporary, Buck. I'll be back when things get better with Chris."
"Nothing's more permanent than a temporary solution," Buck retorts with a sad grin. Eddie rolls his eyes.
"I think you're a bit too drunk to be throwing proverbs at me right now," he glares, but Buck doesn't blink an eye.
"First Maddie, then Chim, and now you. And I'm always left behind. Soon, I'll glance away for just a moment, and there'll be no one there when I look back." The certainty of his words makes Eddie's stomach burn. He knows Buck is going through a rough patch thanks to the Maddie and Chim situation; the last thing he wants is to cause him more pain. If only he could understand the immense pressure Eddie's under these days, how utterly alone he feels.
"Look, man..." Eddie's tone is softer. "I'm doing the best I can, okay?"
Buck's teary eyes brim with regret. He takes two hurried steps toward Eddie, his hand finding his shoulder, resting there gently as he speaks. "I know you are. I'm not here to judge you, Eddie. I'm here to help you." His touch is tender, caring, it makes Eddie's heart ache. It also makes his lungs compress. He escapes his hold, heading for the sink, taking a few sips of the now near-empty beer.
“Then just go. It's what'll help me most right now." Sorrow floods Buck's face once more, and Eddie despises it. He hates how all he feels lately is guilt, even with Buck. He longs for the days when Buck symbolized carefree smiles and silliness, laughter and safety, warm fuzzy feelings that, yes, sometimes took his breath away, but in the most pleasant of ways.
When did that stop, he wonders? When did Buck change from someone he runs to, to someone he runs away from? Questions swirl in his mind, filling the uneasy silence that hangs heavy between them. Buck eventually makes a move, whether to leave or approach him, Eddie will never know, since before he has time to take a step, he stumbles. Eddie rushes to his side, concern etched on his face. "Buck? Are you alright?" he asks, steadying him.
“I’m okay.” Buck mutters, rubbing his eyes “I just haven’t slept much.” Only now do things get quiet enough for Eddie to take some time and observe Buck. He has a burgundy hoodie on that Eddie is fairly certain belongs to his sleep hoodies, along with a pair of old beige sweatpants. His hair is fluffy in some spots and pressed on others, as if he just left his bed.
“You didn’t sleep after your shift?”
“I did.”
“For how long?”
“Two hours, maybe?”
Eddie shakes his head, exasperated. Drunk and sleep deprived. Not the best combination. “Come on, sit down. Let me get you some water.”
Buck recoils out of nowhere, knocking the beer from Eddie's hand to the floor. “I’m not some case you have to attend to Eddie! I’m your best friend!"
The shattering glass triggers a spark of anger within Eddie. “Then act like it!”
Buck’s fury vanishes as fast as it appeared, replaced by despair. He looks completely drained, like he’s used all his energy trying and trying. “I keep trying to reach you, but you keep slipping away.” The pain written all over his face, his wavering voice, dissolves Eddie’s anger and leaves his chest simply… empty.
He turns his back on him and his hand moves mechanically, reaching for another beer. With a sharp gesture, he drains half of it in mere seconds. "A lot of things changed since the shooting, Buck," his icy tone surprises them both. Eddie doesn't know where that harshness came from; perhaps the alcohol is kicking in.
Buck's eyes fill with something intense that can only be described as terror. "Did I- did I… do something?" he stutters.
Yes. Yes, you did. "No, you didn't."
"Why don't I believe you?" Buck's insists.
A tense pause follows. "Maybe you should go back to your girlfriend." he finally says, a bitter edge creeping into his voice.
Buck scoffs softly, gaze back at the wooden floor. "I don't have a girlfriend anymore."
Eddie ignores the rush of enthusiasm bursting inside him the moment Buck’s words register and turns to face him, brows furrowed in confusion. "She broke up with you?"
Buck’s vulnerability somehow fades; his response comes steady and fierce. "I broke up with her.”
Maybe it’s the rising percentage of alcohol in his blood; maybe it's the sleep deprivation Eddie is fighting as well; maybe it’s something else entirely. No matter the reason, Eddie can physically feel the atmosphere in the room changing. It’s like everything suddenly happens in slow motion. "I thought you liked her."
"I thought so too. But things changed for me too." Buck admits.
"What changed?"
"You got shot." Buck replies, as if stating the obvious.
"What does that have to do with anything?" Eddie's confusion persists, a hint of frustration simmering beneath the surface.
"It has to do with everything, Eddie." Buck’s gaze meets his, it’s intensity insistent.
Why does Eddie feel like he’s going to throw up all of a sudden? His body is reacting in ways his mind is unable to catch up with. "But—that happened months ago."
"Let's just say I'm slow." Buck quips, a wry smile quirking his lips.
He is saying so much without saying anything and it drives Eddie crazy. He can’t play games right now. "Why did you break up with her Buck?"
Buck’s lips stay sealed for a few seconds, a shadow of hesitance dancing in his eyes.
“ I couldn’t be with her when my heart belongs to someone else.”
Eddie’s whole body is buzzing. Maybe this is a dream after all. “What are you talking about?”
"Come on, Eddie. I'm at your doorstep at 2:00 am, drunk. Do I really have to spell it out for you?" he seems so certain yet fearful, all at once. Fear that Eddie feels to his very core.
"Yes." he insists, voice barely audible.
"I love you."
Three words. Only three words, coming from the right person, have the power to knock the air out of your chest as a bullet does. And Eddie knows this all too well; his body has accepted many bullets.
“I think I always have, in a way. I just couldn’t- grasp it.” Buck’s quivering smile betrays this is much harder for him than it looks. “It took the threat of losing you to make me realize it. The fear, the pain… they stripped me naked. There was nothing left to cover the truth.” a breath escapes him in a slow, steady stream, carrying with it the weight of his confession. Eddie isn’t looking at him directly, it’s impossible. Listening to this is overwhelming enough without Buck’s angelic face put in the equation. ”I was never planning on telling you, since I know it’s not like that between us and I liked what we had. Hell, I cherished what we had, and I didn’t want to risk losing it, ever. Now though… looks like it’s gone anyway, so… you might as well know the truth, meaningless as it is.”
The silence is deafening, as seconds pass by and neither of them speaks.
“I thought you were hurt.” Eddie eventually mutters.
“Wh-What?” Buck’s eyelids bat rapidly, as he fails to follow.
Eddie still gazes at nothing with a vacant look, as if he is lost in his thoughts. “That day; when I opened my eyes, there was blood all over your face.” the image flashes in his mind so clear; everything blurred, except Buck’s blood-stained face, his bright blue eyes staring into Eddie’s, huge and teary. “I thought you were injured too.”
“Right… I remember you asking me.” Buck confirms.
“I had to know. It felt impossible to stay awake, but I pushed with everything I had, because I had to know.” he pauses, feeling tears gather in the corners of his eyes as he lets the emotions flood his chest. “When you told me you were okay, I could finally let go. I knew then, if I died, Chris would be where he belongs, and if I lived, I would tell you.” this is too surreal to be real, but Eddie doesn’t care anymore; he decides it’s about time he took it off his chest. “I decided, that very second, that if I ever opened my eyes again, I would tell you that I love you.”
Buck’s eyes widen in shock, his breath catching in his throat. There's a flicker of hope dancing behind his disbelief “But- but you never did.”
Eddie's head moves in a slow, affirming nod. “After I woke up, you were already with Taylor.” he recalls the moment Buck walked through the hospital room door, the instant rush of dopamine that made him feel truly alive for the first time since he opened his eyes. Just like he remembers the sharp pain in his stomach when Buck told him about Taylor kissing him right after the shooting. That bastard sniper cost him his good shoulder and the love of his life.
“I tried to push it away, I really did, and I thought I succeeded.” He had carefully wrapped his feelings in a warm blanket, hid them in a box, buried them somewhere deep inside where he can’t reach and hasn’t touched them since. It worked. Until today. “I honestly didn’t realize we drifted apart.” He naively thought they went back to being good old Buck and Eddie, just like that. Now, all his inexplicable actions sit under a new light and, for the first time, they begin to make sense. “I guess it all happened because I love you. I broke up with Ana because I love you. I have zero interest in dating anyone else because I love you.” he finally finally faces Buck and the first tear falls, thick and burning. “I miss you all the time because I love you.”
Buck is completely captivated, soaking up every word without uttering a single sound. “Eddie,” he breathes, narrowing the distance between himself and the man he loves with every fiber of his being. “You don’t have to miss me anymore.” Eddie aches to feel his touch, confirm that he is real, not some hologram created by his own troubled mind. “I’m here.” his hand gently cradles the side of Eddie’s face. More tears cascade down, coating his thumb.
“Buck...” Eddie murmurs, cherishing Buck’s warm touch. He is so attentive, approaching Eddie with a tenderness unfathomable. His fingers wrap around Buck’s forearm delicately. He is real, this is real.
“I’m here.” Buck repeats, brushing the tears off Eddie’s cheeks with both hands. The same mess is probably reflected on his own face, though he can’t be sure right now, adrenaline having turned his skin numb. Eddie keeps staring, dumbfounded, unable to believe that this is happening.
His own body resists it, by stretching an arm between the two of them, fingers spread against Buck’s sternum, preventing him from coming any closer, even though that’s what Eddie craves the most. He can feel Buck’s heart hammering against his palm, when Buck drags his hand across Eddie’s stretched arm and rests it on the back of the hand Eddie is resting on his chest. He gazes deep into Eddie’s eyes with his sincere brave blue ones, “It’s okay Eddie- it’s okay.” he chants, softly yet assuredly, fighting every doubt in Eddie’s head.
“Buck…” Eddie repeats, like a prayer, incapable of translating his thoughts, his emotions, into words.
“It’s okay.” Buck’s voice comes once again, his grip on Eddie steady and grounding. Effortlessly, Eddie’s hand moves on its own volition, gliding from Buck’s sternum across his collarbone to end up at the nape of his neck, and just like that, he throws himself into his arms. Buck is ready, he’ll always be ready to catch him.
Thank god Buck is a big strong firefighter, or else he would have shuttered under the force of Eddie’s grip. Still, Buck is holding him so gently, like he is the most fragile thing. Eddie’s fingers claw on the fabric of his hoodie, clinging on as if it's his lifeline. The heat of Buck’s body seeps through his skin, his familiar smell enveloping him like a safety blanket. The only thing betraying Buck's desperation is how hard his chest is heaving, in contrast to the softness of his touch and the stability in his voice. Perhaps he, too, is struggling to grasp the reality of this moment. So, Eddie weaves his fingers through Buck’s hair, tugging gently, and tightens his hold even more, ensuring there’s no room for doubt; that Buck knows Eddie's got him and he will never let go.
That's when Buck squeezes with all his force, and Eddie lets out a grunt that is equal parts suffocation and satisfaction. Until now, it felt like he's been walking around broken in a million pieces, floating in the air, instead of a solid secure whole body, and Buck just put him back together.
Safety. That’s the feeling. Its absence has been so long, he nearly forgot how it is to be held, to be safe.
All those months after the shooting, Eddie felt like he was hanging from a cliff and he kept holding on with everything he had, in order not to fall. Now Buck is holding him, acting like the strongest safety net he could ever ask for. So Eddie can finally let go.
The fear he’s been keeping locked inside him for so long catches the opportunity and barges out, flooding Eddie's chest so violently, it suffocates him. He tries to breathe but chokes, again and again. "Hey-hey." Buck pulls away and cradles his face, in an attempt to make him meet his gaze. “Eds, what’s wrong?” Eddie manages a sharp inhale and after that, everything comes out in sobs. He is held close, as Buck weathers the relentless waves of Eddie's tears. Even when he is too weak to stand, Buck keeps him firm against him, guiding them both to kneel on the kitchen floor.
"I'm scared Buck,” his shoulders shake violently against Bucks chest “I'm scared all the time.”
“I know... I know. It’s okay to be scared.” Buck consoles him softly.
“No, it’s not.” Eddie shakes his head, his sobs becoming more and more desperate. “It’s constant.” Eddie whispers and he sounds so exhausted. “Even now that I'm here, with you,” he stops himself, fighting internally to give in to the vulnerable side he so strongly fights, each and every day, for as long as he can remember. “I'm afraid that something is going to happen and- and I will die!” His hands come to cover his shameful face, muting the uncontrollable sobs that keep coming.
Buck’s heart bleeds, desperate to take at least part of Eddie’s pain, make thinks just a little more bearable. He can’t though. He knows he can’t, no matter how hard he still, all these months later, wishes he would have been the one who was shot. Just like he knows the shooting is not the only reason Eddie is in this place right now. It’s just one of the many traumas he’s suffered through.
Buck can’t do anything about that either. All he can do is mourn hold him, let him morn in safety. “I’ve got you.” he murmurs. Eddie’s arms wrap around him, gripping the fabric of his hoodie desperately, something to hold onto. “Everything is going to be okay, let it all out… I’ve got you.”
And Eddie does. Cries until there are no more tears to come out, and even beyond that, dry sobs muffled against Buck’s chest. He soothes Eddie the entire time, with strong arms around him, repeating how he is not going to die, how everything is safe, how Buck is never letting go of him, how willing he is to take care of him for as long as he needs. He listens and listens until the wildfire inside him subsides.
He uses the last drops of energy he owns, to detach himself from Buck so he can wipe his pale, soaked face. Buck’s eyes search him immediately. “Better?” he asks. Gaze glued on the floor, the only reply coming from Eddie is a low, self-deprecating “I’m so fucked up.”
“That’s bullshit” Buck says immediately, voice still low and calming. Delicate hands wrap around Eddie’s wrists, stopping him from obsessively wiping his cheeks. “You’re not fucked up Eddie.” Buck lowers his head so he can get in his visual field, in the hope Eddie will have to meet his gaze.
“I am.” Eddie croaks.
“You’ll never say that again, you hear me? I forbid you.” Buck goes for strict, but he can be nothing but soft with Eddie.
Eddie lets out a faint scoff. “You forbid me?”
“Yes, I do. You are not fucked up Eddie. You are someone who’s been through a hell of a lot and fought fearlessly. You are tough and brave and resilient.” his palms rest on either side of Eddie’s neck, shaking him gently. “That’s what you are.”
Eddie is holding onto every word for dear life, praying he could see himself through Buck’s eyes, with all this kindness and respect. The breath he takes through his nose is shaky, his bottom lip trembling. “Buck…” his fingers wrap around Buck's wrists as his eyes shift back to the floor “I don’t know if I will ever recover. You are so amazing, you don’t deserve someone broken like m-”
He doesn’t get the chance to finish his sentence; Buck’s lips come, out of nowhere, and silence him.
Eddie had so many thoughts, so many reasons why this isn’t what should happen, but they all jump out the window the moment he tastes Buck’s lips. Suddenly, there is no world, there are no problems, there is only Buck. It’s soft, a tender swipe of the flesh against flesh, slow, shaky, yet so powerful. It’s incredible, like their lips were sculpted by nature to fit perfectly together.
Something inside him shifts; a major part of himself that he couldn’t name, but could feel it being out of place for years. He would feel it buzzing when Buck was around, going feral every time he saw Taylor. He didn’t have a name for it, but he is sure this is the same part that now fell into place with that kiss.
They take their sweet time breaking apart, only far enough for their foreheads to touch. Eddie’s hands have somehow found the v of Bucks hoodie, his fists holding the fabric so tightly, as if there is the slightest chance Buck would walk away after this. Buck’s hands steady on their place on Eddie’s neck, thumbs caressing his jaw tenderly. They haven't looked at each other yet; Eddie believes if he tries, he will burst into flames, or faint, or something in that category.
“Eddie…” Buck calls his name for the hundredth time, yet somehow it sounds like a first. “We are both broken in different ways.” his voice is trembling “I know and love every piece of you. It’s up to you what you’ll do with mine.”
Eddie’s heart swells at Buck’s words. Even now, Buck still doubts his worth, doubts Eddie’s unparalleled love for him. As if there could be a universe in which Eddie wouldn’t cherish each and every part of Buck. He doesn’t have the words to describe how even his biggest flaws are virtues in Eddie’s eyes, how he makes a better person without even trying. So he follows Buck’s example and kisses him again, purring everything into it.
This kiss is not gentle or hesitant. It’s long, confident, and unreserved. Eddie holds nothing back. His palm finds Buck’s nape, holding him firmly in place as Eddie deepens the kiss, his tongue demanding access to his mouth, eager to taste, to claim. Buck lets out a whimper low in his throat when Eddie’s tongue glides across his, the sensation traveling through every nerve of his body. They don’t stop, not until their brains become foggy and their lips feel way too numb.
"So," Buck manages, chest moving up and down rapidly as he tries to catch his breath, "I guess we are really doing this."
Eddie nods with certainty, leaving no room for doubt, not anymore. "We are really doing this." And there it is, his second favorite smile in the entire world, taking over Buck’s whole face. Eddie is disarmed, unable to do anything but smile back.
“Now that we made that clear, can we please go somewhere more comfortable?” Buck fairly asks, the pressure on both their knees starting to become more than noticed. “Your knees getting too old Buckley?” Eddie teases as Buck gets up, letting out a strained groan.
“Shut up.” Buck rolls his eyes, helping Eddie to his feet and takes his hand, ready to lead them out the door, but Eddie stops him abruptly. “Not to the bedroom.” he says, a little too desperately, with something hunted in his eyes. Buck keeps a mental note to explore what’s happening there later; for now he only squeezes Eddie’s hand comfortingly. “Couch?” he suggests, his awaiting grin warming Eddie’s insides all over again. “Sure.”
Buck refuses to release his hold, not as he settles heavily onto the sofa, not as he gently guides Eddie to his left side, drawing him close. Even as he arranges Eddie's legs over his thighs, positioning them face to face, their hands only part momentarily for Buck to encircle his left arm around Eddie's shoulders, pulling him closer. "Much better, right?" he grins.
Eddie scoots close close close, making sure their bodies are touching in as many places as possible. "Definitely." he affirms, his restless hands seeking Buck's, unwilling to let go of their connection now that he finally has it. Buck intertwines their fingers seamlessly, no words necessary to convey the depth of their bond.
They stay there in the quiet stillness of the night, studying each other’s features, as if they look different under a new light. So many years since he first met him and Eddie is mesmerized by Buck. All those months it’s as if he was looking at him through a filter, making him blurred in his eyes. Because if he truly looked, he would want; and if he wanted, he would hurt. Because Buck wasn’t his to have.
Except now he is. Those eyes are looking at nowhere else but Eddie. Those lushes are touched by the pad of his finger. The firm red skin of his birthmark can be kissed anytime he wants. Those luscious lips have already been kissed, licked, bitten by non other than Eddie. Buck is sitting here pressed against him, all tall and built with pounds of muscle that can lift walls, yet his face is so soft, so tender.
“Penny for your thoughts.” Buck murmurs, a hint of nervousness in the pitch of his voice.
“You are so beautiful you take my breath away.” Eddie confesses, threading his fingers through Bucks tangled curls. Tired, sleepless, puffy from crying, yet he still looks like he escaped from a fairy tale.
A blush spreads from the bottom of Buck’s neck to the tip of his ears as he ducks his head with a wide shy smile. “Finally I get my revenge.”
Eddie’s brows knit in confusion. “Revenge?”
“You’ve been taking my breath away since the moment I first saw you.” Buck admits, lips spreading into a nostalgic smirk.
“I have not.” Eddie nudges him on the shoulder.
“Yes you have! I remember it like it was yesterday. I walked in, delighted and proud of my new nearly perfect body fat percentage,” Eddie snorts and Buck shoves him lightly. “and suddenly everyone is mesmerized by some new probie. Even Hen! I thought they all exaggerated just to tease me- they used to do it a lot-”
“Still do.” Eddie points out, enjoying the glimpse of Buck’s 1.0 mindset.
“Yeah.” Buck fakes annoyance, yet his smile is fond. “So I turn around, ready to devalue whoever this guy is but my eyes meet with the most beautiful man to ever exist.” It’s Eddie’s time to shake his head, bright pink cheeks and all. “You can’t compete with that.”
“Wait- when was that?” Eddie squints trying to remember that encounter.
“it was your first day at work; you were in the locker room, just when you finished putting on your uniform.”
“But we didn’t meet until later during the shift. I remember it was only Cap, Hen and Chim.”
“Yeah… I was too annoyed to introduce myself.” Buck recalls.
“So…” Eddie pokes Buck’s peck with his index finger “your whole territorial rivalry barks were basically... sexual frustration?” he raises an eyebrow at him and Buck chuckles; busted.
“Among other things.” he mumbles with a cheeky grin.
“I knew it!” Eddie slaps him on the chest and they both burst into giggles. Everything is light again, hopeful.
“We have so much to talk about.” Buck points out, his palm running up and down Eddie’s thigh, while his other hand massages his scalp, nearly making him purr like a sleepy cat.
“We do, but for now, just kiss me...” Eddie murmurs, cherishing the way the corners of Buck’s lips lift at his request. There is barely any distance to bridge, yet Buck savors each moment. His delicate fingers trace the contours of Eddie’s jaw, a tender caress from chin to ear, trailing down to the delicate skin of his neck. The touch is so feather-light, it sends tingles down Eddie’s spine. Buck's index finger finds its place under Eddie’s chin, tilting his face just so, aligning them perfectly as Buck leans in to give Eddie what he wants; what both want.
Eddie is convinced he could never get enough of Buck’s lips. They taste sweet, like honey, leaving him intoxicated. His kisses are tender, yet filled with a fiery passion, a perfect balance of restraint and impulsiveness. He seeks Eddie's signals, seizing upon the moments when desire surges, his hunger demanding more. Each kiss is unlike any Eddie has experienced before; ignite a fire beneath his skin that spreads warmth throughout his body, pooling deep in his belly.
They lose any sense of time, only parting when there is no oxygen left in their lungs. Even then, they don’t let each other go too far. Warm palms slide down Eddie’s sides, straightening his shirt, which has moved out of place from Buck’s wandering hands. “How are you feeling?” Buck asks, needing to ensure the kitchen breakdown has worn off; for tonight at least.
Eddie doesn’t have to hide anything; the truth is radiating from him openly. “Blessed. Alive.”
His content expression is mirrored on Buck’s face, however Buck's fingers are shaky when they envelope Eddie’s hands. “What’s wrong?” Eddie’s concern is more than obvious.
“Nothing.” Buck grins but it doesn’t reach his eyes.
“Buck…” Eddie’s voice, however soft, is powerful enough to defeat all of Buck’s defenses “I want to hear you, just like you hear me, okay?”
Buck lets out an audible sigh. “Okay…” he tries to gather his thoughts; extra hard at 3.00 in the morning. “I-uhm-this... it’s all a little too much, you know?”
Too much? The words replay in Eddie’s head endlessly and he impulsively tries to pull his hands away from Buck’s hold. Buck notices instantly and clings onto them before Eddie can make the move. “Not like that Eddie!” he brings them close to his mouth, lips lingering on Eddie’s knuckles. “Too much in a good way…” Eddie tilts his head, confused. Buck exhales again, anxious to make his point as clear as possible. “What I mean is, I can’t believe we are finally here together, after everything, you know?”
Eddie’s heart goes back to it’s place. Buck’s words bring the most gentle appreciative grin to his lips, because yes, he knows.
“I mean, you just said you feel alive and the first thing that came to mind was how many fucking times I thought you were not alive the past few months.” Buck keeps going and the muscles of his hands start trembling again. “After the shooting, then when you were visiting a damn cardiologist and you wouldn’t tell me why; and the whole Mitchel thing? God-” his head falls as he lets out the loudest breath. “The moment I heard that gunshot my blood literally froze in my veins. I ran so fast I almost tripped and fell on my face. The relief I felt when I saw you were alive…” Buck looks at him with those eyes of his and Eddie can make out the remnants of panic in the memory of that day. He squeezes Buck’s hands firmly, a reminder that all this belongs to the past.
“But the panic still lingered for a long time after. We were waiting in the hallway for Nolan’s surgery to be over and you were sitting so far away. And I knew it, I knew you needed me, yet you stayed alone and all I wanted was to come and hold you close."
It’s ironic how Eddie had those exact thoughts the entire time. Buck was a victim too and Eddie was worried about him that night as well. All he longed for during that surgery was to rest his head on Buck's lap, brace his arms around his waist, and bury his face in the safety of his stomach, sheltered until everything was over.
"Hold me now." he says, the longing for lost time echoing in his words unspoken, vividly expressed through his soulful gaze and the tender color of his voice. It resonates with a softness reminiscent of the day Eddie told him about his will, again within the cold walls of a hospital.
Buck can do nothing else but obey, open his arms and waiting for Eddie to latch onto him, around him, in full octopus mode. Eddie breathes him in and every cell of his body vibrates with a mix of joy and regret. Joy that he found his place in Buck’s arms. Regret that he didn’t do it earlier.
With each passing moment, every negative thought, tangled emotion, haunted memory begins to dissolve, as if gravity itself pulls them downward, seeping through their bodies and into the ground. All of them become relics of the past, distant and foreign from this moment onward.
Something wet lands on Eddie’s arm, the subtle vibration of Buck’s sternum letting him know it’s Buck’s tears. Relieved tears, Eddie thinks, still the thought of his Buck crying is never something Eddie can bear. His head, resting against Buck’s chest, turns so he can leave a lingering kiss there. Arms still securely holding onto Buck’s torso, he moves his mouth upwards, landing another kiss on his collarbone, then on his neck. Leaving the slightest possible distance between his face and Buck’s skin, without ever detaching himself from him, Eddie’s lips graze across the stable on Buck’s jaw, until they find his mouth. He captures his plush lips and sucks like he is trying to inhale his very being.
Buck whimpers as Eddie’s hands glide from around his back to his head and run through his hair, holding him in place. The tender flesh of his lips is burning against Buck’s kiss, him moving so agonizingly slow, as if trying to memorize every micro movement, every delicate sensation, bearer of the deep life-changing emotions Eddie has for him. More happy tears slide down Buck’s face, creeping in between their lips, giving the kiss a salty glaze.
If it was in either of their hands, they would never break apart. When it happens, Buck finds his face secured between Eddie’s palms, him not leaving more than an inch of distance between their mouths, resting his forehead against Buck’s.
"I'm sorry we drifted apart..." Eddie whispers, regret permeating every syllable.
Buck shakes his head softly, to show that he holds nothing against him. “It’s okay Eddie.”
“It's not. I left you alone after such a hard time. I should have been there for you.”
“I know you didn't do it on purpose; you had your own burden to carry.” Buck replies, running delicate fingers up and down Eddie’s arms.
“That doesn't justify anything.”
“Hey, I know how it feels. I've been guilty of not being there for you myself, remember?”
Buck is referring to the lawsuit. How could Eddie not remember, it was the shittiest time of his life. He now knows though how Buck had no bad intentions and he apologized multiple times. “It's not the same Buck. You were sick.”
So are you, Buck wants to say. PTSD is a mental illness and Eddie has more than enough symptoms. But he doesn't want to voice something Eddie may not be ready to hear... Being an expert at reading his mind though, Eddie speaks in his place. "I know I am not okay Buck." his is voice low, vulnerable, yet brave. "And I know I need help."
"I'll be there for you," Buck rushes to say, squeezing Eddie’s thigh reassuringly. "through all of it. I can help you find a new therapist or come to the VA with you. Whatever you need, I’ll be there." he adds, his big eyes full of care and eagerness.
Eddie immediately ducks his head. "The VA sucks and no new therapist is needed. Frank may be a pain in the ass but at least I know what I'm getting myself into." He is far from excited to go back to that small room with a guy waiting for answers but he is coming closer and closer to accepting there is no other way.
"Then I'll drive you there. Every time, if you want me to. I'll be there in any way you need." Buck cradles the side of his face and brings them forehead to forehead again. “You're not alone anymore Eddie.” The exhale Eddie lets out is unsteady, overwhelmed with a mix of emotions so unique he couldn't name them even if he tried.
"I've missed you Buck.” Eddie whispers softly “I've missed you so much…"
"I know... That’s why I came. I never expected any of this to happen tonight. I was just sick of missing you all the fucking time; I couldn't take it anymore."
Eddie rubs his palm against the middle of Buck's chest in soothing circles. "And look at us now." he lets out a watery chuckle. Buck follows Eddie’s unburdened, grateful realization, his signature bright smile shining. "Look at us now." he echoes.
Eddie leans in for one more kiss before both their bodies succumb to exhaustion, collapsing on the couch. Each time their lips meet, it's as if they recharge with enough energy to run for a few more minutes.
“So…” Buck pulls back, clearly with an upcoming demand in mind “I know you’ve already told me five times, but-”
“You counted?” Eddie cuts him off with a teasing raised eyebrow and Buck hangs his head, chuckling shyly.
“It wasn’t intentional.” his coyness is underlined by the high pitch of his voice. He is so adorable, Eddie can’t keep from caressing every part of him he can reach.
“I love you,” Eddie says again, this time with full consciousness. “I love you so much, you have no idea.” It comes out a little breathlessly, and Buck’s lips tremble, as if he is trying not to cry. Eddie reaches forward to kiss them, steadying them.
“I love you too,” the words come raspy out of Buck’s mouth.
“That’s only the second time out of you.” Eddie points out, earning an amused little scoff from Buck.
“Who’s counting now?” Buck returns the banter and Eddie shrugs nonchalantly.
“I’m just sayin-”
“I love you.” Buck cuts him off and Eddie smiles wide and bright. “I love you.” he hears again, when Buck kisses his temple tenderly, and he is starting to believe he will never get tired of the sound. Buck shifts so he can force Eddie onto his back and hovers above him, the most lovesick expression decorating his face. “I love you, I love you, I love you,” he repeats over and over, leaving pecks everywhere his mouth can reach.
“Okay, we’re even!” Eddie remarks, giggling helplessly.
“I love youuuu!” Buck ignores him and presses his lips against Eddie's to silence him once more; kissing him is just a happy side benefit. “I love you.” he insists, mumbling into the kiss, and Eddie laughs again, though it doesn't keep him from returning the kiss.
“You're competitive even at this!?” he mocks, but his tone is laced with adoration.
“Always.” Buck replies, lifting up slightly to meet Eddie's gaze. His contentment shines so brightly it lights up the whole house, maybe even the whole neighborhood. Eddie can only wrap his arms around Buck's neck and pull him close so forcefully that Buck's weight falls clumsily on top of him, causing Eddie's ribs to take a good hit. But he doesn't mind. He holds on tightly, feeling them merge into one mass, connected for eternity.
“What if we sleep right here?” Eddie whispers to Buck’s ear.
“As someone who has slept multiple times on your torture device of a sofa, that would be a no-no.” his lips linger on Eddie’s collarbone. “Come on, let's go to bed.” Eddie let’s out a strangled exhale at that suggestion. Buck props up on his elbows so he can see his face. His thumb caresses his cheekbone tenderly. “What’s up baby?”
The nickname is nearly powerful enough to make Eddie forget his struggles but it doesn't make it. He sighs again, focusing his gaze on Buck's sternum. “I can’t sleep on my bed lately.” he admits..
Buck hates finding out Eddie is struggling with sleep just now. “Hey…” he reaches down, his lips linger on Eddie’s forehead. “You haven’t had me next to you. Maybe that will help.” he suggests and the look Eddie gives him is indescribably soft. He stays silent, considering it for a while.
“Only if you promise you’ll never let go of me.” he says and Buck can feel him fighting his instinct to hide his vulnerability with every word. He tilts his head with a goofy frown on his face. “What if I have to pee?” he asks and his goal is achieved; Eddie breaks into laughter, quickly covering his mouth when he remembers they still have to be quiet.
“You are such a moron.” he pinches Buck’s ribs a little harder than intended, making him squirm.
“Yes, but I am your moron.” Buck states as he gets up off Eddie, who already feels unbearably cold without his Buck-blanket. Buck offers his hand for Eddie to grab and stand. “Shall we?”
Eddie stares at it for what could be two seconds or two hours, before extending his arms and letting Buck pull him up. Their fingers thread and, after one last kiss on the back of Eddie's palm, Buck takes the first step toward their bedroom. Eddie follows.
Because Buck is hope. Buck is love. Buck is the light that always pulls him from the dark.
Eddie will always follow.