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Suguru looks exhausted. He says it’s just the summer heat, that it’s nothing to worry about, but Satoru doesn’t believe him. He has never seen Suguru look this bad.
Suguru likes to take care of himself; he regularly does his nails, he takes great care of his hair and he uses more skin products than Satoru cares to comprehend.
But not anymore, it seems. His nail polish is chipped, his hair is a dull, tangled mess and Satoru has never seen eyebags as deep as this before either.
Something is wrong with Suguru.
“What’s going on?” Satoru asks, barging into Suguru’s room where he spends most of his time these days and even the glare he receives for it doesn’t pack the same punch as before.
Satoru wants to shake Suguru, maybe he can put some life back into him like that, he thinks, but he keeps his hands to himself.
Suguru seems fragile; fragile enough that Satoru has to fear breaking him apart completely if he should touch him too roughly and Satoru can barely stomach that thought.
“Leave me alone,” Suguru mutters, even his voice lacklustre and Satoru sits down on the bed, his eyes never leaving Suguru.
“I won’t. Never,” he says, because Suguru should know that. There’s no way in hell that Satoru is going to simply let Suguru be, not with how he’s looking these days. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
It’s a demand more than a question or a plea and it seems to be the wrong approach because Satoru sees fury blaze in Suguru’s eyes, before it all dims down again.
At least Suguru is still somewhere in there, Satoru thinks, even as he feels sick to the stomach when the anger fizzles out again as soon as it appears in Suguru.
“You’re always like this,” Suguru says and Satoru thinks he should hiss those words, or yell them at him. Anything would be better than this flat, dead voice.
“Like what?”
“Pushy. Uncaring of those around you.”
Satoru’s mouth drops open at hearing that because not once in his life has he been uncaring of Suguru. Suguru is the sole exception to everything Satoru has ever done and the fact that Suguru doesn’t even seem to know that rubs Satoru the wrong way.
“Not of you, though,” he gives back and that makes Suguru scoff.
“Yeah, because I’m real special, huh,” he mutters and it doesn’t make sense.
Next to Satoru, Suguru is the single most special person to ever exist and Satoru wonders how Suguru cannot see it.
“Suguru–” Satoru starts again, even though he doesn’t really know what he’s going to say next and it’s not as if Suguru is giving him a chance to figure it out either.
“What do you want, Satoru?” he asks and he sounds so tired, so done with everything and tears spring to Satoru’s eyes.
“I can’t stand seeing you like this,” he admits and it’s the wrong thing to say, Satoru knows it as soon as the words leave his mouth, because Suguru’s face twists.
“Then stop looking,” he tells him and it’s like a slap to the face.
Satoru only barely manages to not jerk back but he probably does a poor job of keeping the hurt from his face.
“What’s happened to you?” he whispers out, though he’s not sure he wants to know the answer anymore. Not if Suguru is being this mean to him.
“It doesn’t matter,” Suguru tiredly says and turns around, putting his back to Satoru and letting him know that this conversation is now effectively over.
Still, Satoru lingers for a moment, because this cannot be it, this cannot be how he loses Suguru but after three minutes of absolute silence he has to admit defeat.
If only for today. He will figure out what’s wrong with Suguru and he will find a way to help him. Satoru is not going to allow Suguru to vanish like this.
~ * ~ * ~
Satoru is back from his mission early and manages to catch Haibara before he leaves for his.
“Gojo-senpai! I was just talking to Geto-senpai, asking what kind of souvenirs you’d like!”
“That’s nice of you,” Satoru distractedly says and peers around the corner, where Suguru is still slumped in his seat. “But you’re not going.”
“Huh?” Haibara asks and blinks his big eyes at Satoru.
“I’m taking your mission. Suguru will accompany me. You get a few days off, so don’t worry your head over it,” Satoru tells him, barely takes the time to look at him before he waves him off and marches over to Suguru to sit down next to him.
He will get Suguru to go with him; he did not have a twenty minute screaming match with Yaga only for Suguru to foil his plans by telling him no. There’s just no way.
“Suguru,” Satoru greets him and Suguru doesn’t even look at him.
He continues to stare at the ground as if it could hold the meaning to life itself and Satoru leans against him.
“We’re going to take Haibara’s mission,” he tells him because it’s clear that Suguru is not going to say anything if Satoru doesn’t keep talking, if he doesn’t keep pushing.
“I’m tired,” Suguru finally whispers and Satoru almost wants to laugh, because he does have eyes. That Suguru is tired is something he has seen for a while now.
“I know. It’s why we’re taking this mission. I talked to Yaga.”
“About what?” Suguru demands to know and he’s on the defensive so fast that Satoru doesn’t even know what’s happening anymore. “I am not–”
“Stop,” Satoru interrupts him because in all honesty he doesn’t want to hear what Suguru has to say about himself. It’s most likely not going to be something good and Satoru doesn’t want to hear it. “I know you’re not,” he says, quieter this time. “It’s just–we’re due a break, right? After everything that’s happened, don’t you think we should be owed a few days off?”
After–everything, Yaga gave them just enough time to recuperate and to clean Satoru’s bloodstains off the stairs before they had to go back out there again.
It’s not right, and it needs to stop.
“So what are you saying?” Suguru asks, but he sounds friendlier already, which is already enough for Satoru.
“I’m saying that I talked to Yaga. He can’t give us official time off, but he can give us a four day long missions for a grade two curse. Haibara’s curse.”
“Four days for a grade two,” Suguru repeats and it’s finally enough to make him turn his head and look at Satoru. “And they’ll send the two of us.”
“We’ll be done in like ten minutes and then we get four days to relax. It’s the best Yaga could offer me, so we’re going to take it. Besides, it gives Haibara a few days off as well,” Satoru shrugs. “Does that sound good?”
Suguru is about to answer, Satoru can see it, when a new voice interrupts.
“Gojo Satoru, Geto Suguru! What’s your type of girl!”
Satoru gives the woman who just interrupted them a withering glare but she doesn’t cower.
“Certainly not you,” Satoru finally says when she just expectantly looks at them and Suguru huffs out a weary sigh.
“Satoru, be more polite,” he chides him, his voice barely audible, but it’s a step forward, Satoru is certain of that because lately Suguru hasn’t even bothered to correct Satoru’s behavior.
“Certainly not,” Satoru gives back and narrows his eyes at the woman. “Get lost.”
“Hey!”
“Satoru, you can’t just say that to her. That’s Yuki Tsukumo, a special grade sorcerer,” Suguru tells him and Satoru honestly couldn’t care less.
“So? I haven’t seen her take on any missions, so in my eyes, she’s just a bum.”
“Ouch,” Yuki mutters and Satoru thinks it serves her right.
“Satoru,” Suguru sighs out and he sounds so much like his normal self in that moment that Satoru thinks he’d insult the gods themselves if it would only bring him Suguru back.
“What? It’s true.”
“Fair, actually,” Yuki says and moves as if she wants to sit down next to Satoru, which is absolutely not happening.
He’s having a conversation with Suguru here and she is not going to barge in on that.
“No. We’re not talking to you right now, get lost,” he says, rather rudely but he doesn’t care. Suguru takes precedence for Satoru, always.
“You’re rather rude,” Yuki muses as well, eying him up and down and Satoru refuses to drop his gaze first.
They are on equal level, power-wise, and Satoru would guess that given the back-to-back missions they are getting lately, he and Suguru have way more combat experience than Yuki, who has been refusing missions for years now. He’s going to take his chances with her.
Yuki seems to come to the same realisation because she sighs.
“I see I’m not going to have much success here, today,” she relents and raises her hands. “I’ll drop by another time then.”
“Not too soon, though,” Satoru calls after her when she leaves and she gives him the finger over her shoulder, which makes him laugh.
When he looks over to Suguru, he sees that the corner of his mouth is curled up, too, and maybe for that alone he forgives Yuki for interrupting when she did.
“You shouldn’t be this rude to your elders,” Suguru chides him once she’s out of sight and even though he frowns at Satoru, he’s happily going to take that over the vacant, tired look any day.
“Maybe she should have been more polite and not interrupted then,” Satoru gives back and leans back, pressing their legs together.
“Satoru, why are you trying so hard?” Suguru asks him, his voice quiet once more and even though it pains Satoru that Suguru even has to ask this, it’s definitely progress.
He has to believe that.
“Because you’re Suguru and I miss you. I have missed you. And I think it’s unfair.”
“What is?” Suguru wants to know and looks over to Satoru, who continues to stare at the ceiling.
“It’s unfair that we laughed together but you’re crying alone now. It’s not right.”
“Satoru,” Suguru whispers and his voice is all choked up and while Satoru would prefer that they didn’t have to have this talk at all, he’d rather take this than the apathy Suguru was showing him the last few days.
“I’m your friend, right? I’m your–” Satoru isn’t sure how to finish that suddenly, doesn’t know how to put into words what they are to each other, but he thinks he doesn’t have to when Suguru nods and takes his hand in his. “Right. So. I just think it’s really fucking unfair that you shared your joy and your anger and your laughter with me but now that things are hard and you’re clearly struggling you’re doing it all on your own. It’s not right. I’m right here. Why can’t you share that with me as well?”
“Because it’s ugly and wrong and–I’m broken,” Suguru gasps out and Satoru is not surprised to see tears roll down his face.
Doesn’t make it easier to take but it’s not a surprise.
“Maybe,” Satoru gives back because he still doesn’t know what’s wrong with Suguru and until he knows exactly what’s going through his mind he can’t reasonably refute that. “But if we are as close as you claim, if you feel like that about me, then you don’t get to only share the good parts with me. That’s not how this works. I deserve your bad parts as well.”
Suguru takes a few shuddering breaths and Satoru leans more firmly against him, letting him know that he’s there.
“I didn’t think you’d want those parts,” Suguru finally admits and Satoru feels so bad that he can’t even find his voice. “That’s why I didn’t say anything. You’re the strongest, you take everything in strife and I–am not like that.”
“Gods, I would hate to have someone like me around,” Satoru tries to joke, his own voice now choked up as well. “Suguru, I want all of you. Everything. It doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad or batshit crazy. I just want you.”
It’s enough to make Suguru sob and when he turns to bury himself in Satoru’s chest, he’s quick to hug him as tight as he can.
“Four days you said?” Suguru eventually asks and Satoru nods.
“Yeah. Four days.”
“Maybe I can–not talk about everything but a little bit. To start with,” Suguru quietly says and Satoru closes his eyes in relief.
“Whatever you’re comfortable with,” he reassures Suguru. “As long as you remember that I am here and that I want to hear whatever you have to say.”
“Okay,” Suguru agrees. “Thank you.”
“For you, always,” Satoru gives back and buries his face in Suguru’s hair.
He’s going to swipe everything from Suguru’s bathroom before they fly out and if he even gets Suguru to use one of the things, that’s going to be a huge win.
But now Satoru is optimistic about things again, because Suguru is still here and he doesn’t want to shoulder everything alone anymore.
The rest will surely come.