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Suguru knew that he should have gone with Satoru the moment he steps back through the door.
“What’s wrong?” Suguru asks, because it’s clear as day that something is.
The look on Satoru’s face speaks of impending doom and Suguru curses himself that he listened to Satoru and stayed home for this appointment. He should have been there, to hear what the doctor said, no matter that Satoru insisted it’s not necessary.
Satoru looks at him, his eyes huge, and Suguru can see how scared he is.
It’s something bad then.
“Tell me,” Suguru says, more softly this time as he steps up close to Satoru to take his hands in his. “We’re going to figure it out, whatever it is, but you have to tell me.”
“It’s not–you’re going to–I’m going to be such a burden,” Satoru breathes out, his voice shaking just as much as his hands are and immediately Suguru shakes his head.
“You’re not. Whatever it is, you’re not going to be a burden. Never.”
Satoru opens his mouth several times but it seems as if he can’t find the words to tell Suguru what is going on with him and Suguru feels sick with worry. They both knew that something was going on with his eyes–it’s the reason he went to the doctor in the first place–and Satoru’s reaction just now suggests that it’s really bad but as long as Suguru doesn’t know what it is, he can’t help.
“Come here,” Suguru softly says and pulls Satoru over to the couch, seating him and sitting down right next to him, pulling him into his side. “And now tell me what the doctor said and what we have to do.”
“I’m going blind,” Satoru blurts out and drops his head in his hands and Suguru feels frozen to the spot.
That’s so much worse than either of them expected it to be.
“I have to go in regularly for check-ups, cause they can’t say anything about the progression yet, but the doctor suspects I don’t have more than two or three years.”
“Okay,” Suguru nods, going into crisis solving mode. “That means we have time to prepare for that. We can figure out what you’ll need, we can move to a disability friendly home and you’re not going blind from one day to the next, so you’ll be eased into it gradually. Which still sucks, gods, that is so fucking–I’m so sorry, Satoru, but we’re going to figure it out. You’ll be okay.”
“Suguru, did you not listen? I’m going blind. Nothing will be okay. I’ll be such a burden on you, I won’t be able to do anything.”
“That’s not true, Satoru, don’t say that! You’re not going to be a burden, because no matter what happens, I won’t mind taking care of you, or accommodating you. And this is bad, it is, there’s no question about that, but it gives us time. We can figure out how to get you a guide dog and we can sign up for braille classes early and if we move soon you can familiarise yourself with your new neighbourhood, and then you’ll be able to do things on your own. It won’t be like before, and I am so incredibly sorry for that, but we’ll make it work.”
“But you love living here! We can’t move.”
“Satoru, just because I think this apartment has charm, doesn’t mean it’s not a complete and utter death-trap. May I remind you that just yesterday you tripped out in the hallway because one of the floorboards came loose? We can’t have that once your vision deteriorates. We need to find something well maintained. We always had to, there’s no way I’m going to bring kids into here, anyway. You know that. So we just move the time schedule on the moving up a bit, it’s not a big deal.”
Satoru stares at him and Suguru wonders if he said something wrong.
“How can you still be talking about kids? Did you not listen? I’m going blind!”
“So? You’re not going stupid along with it, are you? I’m not saying it has a priority and we definitely have to see how your sight progresses and maybe kids are off the table completely, but we’re not making that decision right now. Just because you’ll be impaired doesn’t mean you’re a complete invalid.”
Satoru blinks at him.
“You–I’m not?”
“You’re not what?” Suguru asks for clarification because he doesn’t quite know what Satoru is on about.
“I’m not going to be a complete invalid? I’m going to be such a burden for you.”
At that, Suguru softens.
“You’re not,” he tells him and reaches out to cup Satoru’s cheek in his hand. “It’s going to be hard and things will change and they’ll be difficult but you’re not going to be a burden. I would never think of you like that. We’ll figure it out, together, and things are probably not going to be fine for a while, but it’s not going to be all bad, I refuse to let it. We’ll get through this.”
“There’s no coming out at the other end. I’m not magically going to get better,” Satoru reminds him, his eyes filled with tears. “I’ll just be blind.”
“I know you’re not going to get better. But we’ll learn to handle that. You’ll learn to live with that and I’ll do whatever you need me to do to make things easier for you. It might not be fine, not for a long while, but we’ll still have each other, right?”
“Will we?” Satoru whispers, clearly still scared that Suguru is going to change his mind at any moment and leave him and Suguru thought that he made it clear long ago–even long before their romantic relationship–that he intends to be a permanent fixture in Satoru’s life until one of them dies.
“We will,” Suguru says with conviction because there’s just no other way.
He can’t imagine a life without Satoru and he’s not going to start now, just because things are going to be a little bit hard. Satoru didn’t leave him when his depression hit him full-force and forced him to stay in bed for weeks on end and Suguru is certainly not going to leave Satoru because he’s going blind.
They will make this work.
~ * ~ * ~
Suguru did not expect to come home and find Naoya leaning over Satoru, pressing him into the couch with his hand under Satoru’s shirt, but he can’t say he appreciates the sight.
Especially not since Satoru has his eyes screwed shut and it looks as if he’s seconds away from crying.
“Get the fuck off him, Naoya,” Suguru hisses out and is at the couch a second later, tearing Naoya off Satoru and carelessly dropping him on the floor.
Naoya snarls at him, before he plasters his sickeningly sweet smile on his face and Suguru wants to punch him so badly it physically pains him to hold back.
“Get out,” Suguru coldly says and points at the door. “And don’t come back.”
“What? Can’t stand it that your little boy-toy gets it on with everyone?”
“Get yourself out of our apartment or I’m going to call the cops,” Suguru evenly says even though he burns with anger.
He knew he should have never allowed Naoya to come over while he’s not home. Satoru used to be able to handle him fine, before, but ever since he’s losing his sight rapidly, he’s gone timid and meek and he’s scared of everything, as if he’s not only losing his sight but also his fight.
Suguru really should have taken better care of Satoru.
“It was a pleasure,” Naoya says with a leer at Satoru and Suguru steps in the way, blocking his view. “I’ll be back.”
“You won’t be. Make sure to send someone else if you have to talk official business with Satoru,” Suguru tells him and it’s not a suggestion.
Even Naoya seems to know that, going by the way his gaze goes hard.
Suguru makes a mental note to ask the facility manager if it’s possible to install a door chain. Right now, Satoru still sees enough to distinguish shadows, so he would know if it’s one or two people who are trying to come in and for later they’ll figure something else out.
But for now Suguru needs to get rid of Naoya.
He marches up to him, fully intending to kick him out of the apartment if he shouldn’t move in a second but Satoru’s voice holds him back.
“Wait, wait, Suguru, don’t leave,” he breathes out, his voice choked up and Suguru gives one last glare at Naoya before he turns around to Satoru.
“I’m not going to leave, I’m just going to make sure that he does, I’ll be back in a minute,” he promises Satoru and presses a kiss to his forehead before he whirls around again and fists a hand in Naoya’s shirt, bodily pushing him towards the door. “Get fucking lost.”
“This is assault,” Naoya says with a sly smile and Suguru gives him his most pleasant one in return.
“Oh, is it? Well, if I’m already being charged with something better make it worth it, huh?” he sweetly asks and raises his fist.
He enjoys the way Naoya goes pale and scrambles out of his grip and he outright laughs when he runs headfirst into the closed door in his haste to get away all of a sudden.
Still, Suguru stays until Naoya is gone and the door is closed again–quickly locking it for good measure, just in case–but as soon as he’s certain they are alone again, Suguru is back at Satoru’s side.
“Hey, hey, how are you feeling? Did he hurt you?” Suguru asks, hovering his hands unsurely over Satoru’s arms because he’s not quite sure if Satoru can stand being touched at the moment.
“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” Satoru gasps out, repeating it over and over again and Suguru feels like crying, seeing him like that.
Gone is the headstrong, assertive guy he first fell in love with and it pains Suguru to see how much was stripped from Satoru with his condition.
“It’s fine, Satoru, you’re good. Can I hug you?” Suguru asks and patiently waits for Satoru to nod before he pulls him into his arms.
Satoru clings to him in a way that borders on painful, but Suguru doesn’t mention it.
“Don’t leave me,” Satoru whispers after a while as he presses himself even closer to Suguru. “I’m sorry I allowed this and I’m sorry I’m always such a burden to you, but please, Suguru, don’t leave me.”
“Satoru, I’m not going to leave you,” Suguru immediately replies. “And you don’t have to apologise for what Naoya did, that was all him. You’re not at fault.”
“But I allow–”
“No,” Suguru interrupts him, because Satoru didn’t allow anything. He stopped being able to fight back but that’s hardly his fault. “Stop, Satoru, just stop. It’s his fault. Period.”
There’s a brief silence before Satoru mutters: “I wouldn’t cheat on you.”
“I know that. That’s why that thought never even crossed my mind,” he reassures him. “I trust you.”
That seems to have been the wrong thing to say because Satoru starts to hyperventilate.
“How? How can you even say that? I’m so–broken, I cause you nothing but pain and grief and I’m so much work, how can you even say that and mean it. You should leave me, Suguru, go find someone better, someone who deserves you, someone who–”
It’s not his smartest move, Suguru knows that, but he’s so hurt and so angry because of what Satoru says that he snaps at him.
“Will you shut up, goddamit!”
Satoru flinches in his arms and Suguru instantly feels bad, so he drops kiss after kiss to his head.
“Don’t ever say that. I’m here because I love you and because I chose to be with you. In fact–” he trails off, clicking his tongue because this really was not the plan but it seems as if that’s not going to matter today. “Will you be alright if I get something from the bedroom real quick?” he asks then and Satoru hesitates before he nods.
“I’ll be back in a moment,” Suguru promises, and with one last kiss to Satoru’s forehead he dashes off, grabs the little jewellery box from his underwear drawer and sprints back to the living-room.
“I have something for you,” Suguru says, taking Satoru’s hand and dropping the box in there.
He doesn’t yet see so little that he doesn’t know what it is immediately, the shocked face is a telling sign of that and Satoru’s eyes fly back up to Suguru’s face.
“What are you doing?” Satoru whispers and Suguru drops down on one knee.
“Satoru,” he starts and curses himself when his voice is all choked up already. “You are the light of my life,” he says and he can tell that Satoru already wants to argue with him by saying something ridiculous like that he only brought darkness to Suguru’s life or something equally wrong so he doesn’t even give him the chance. “You make my life better with every second that you are in it and that hasn’t changed in all the years I’ve known you and it especially hasn’t changed in the last few months. I am beyond grateful that you allow me to stay by your side and I hope you’ll allow me the same privilege for the rest of our lives. I love you and I want you to be my husband. Will you marry me?”
Satoru is already sobbing by the time Suguru is finished but he still manages to nod and Suguru beams up at him.
“If you really–if you don’t mind my–yes, Suguru, I will marry you,” Satoru finally gets out and Suguru is glad that he didn’t finish any of his previous sentences because it really wouldn’t do to argue with him during a proposal.
Suguru takes the ring out of the box and slips it on Satoru’s finger and he immediately raises it close to his face where he still sees best to admire it.
“It’s gorgeous,” he whispers out and Suguru grins.
“No, you are,” he replies and then reaches up to pull Satoru into a kiss.
“Suguru,” Satoru laughs out but he does reciprocate the kiss and then stays in Suguru’s arms after as well. “I’m sorry I–” he cuts himself off and takes a deep breath before he starts again. “Thank you.”
It’s much better than the apology, Suguru thinks, and they will have a talk about all of what happened today–including Satoru feeling as if he isn’t good enough for Suguru and maybe they’ll have to find someone for Satoru to talk to–but for right now, Satoru is in Suguru’s arms where he’s safe and sound and that is all either of them really needs right now.
Everything else will come later.