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It started between Fear and Disgust. They noticed the eyes of the other girls first, and they were worried about it. Why were they constantly staring? Was it because her body was changing? She couldn't stop it. Her chest continued to swell and other things started changing, too. They debated back and forth on what to do before they witnessed the boy doing an impression. Joy's hands slipped from the controls then as Disgust and Fear grabbed for them, and things were never the same again.
Fear and Disgust had built upon each other in their one-on-one discussions, and their arguments seemed so persuasive at first. To stop the changes, they could stop eating so much. Just cut out the second helpings. Joy agreed, anything to have things back to the way they were. Sadness and Anger watched from the sidelines, shunted away and forgotten in the haze of anxiety, but they both knew this wasn't going to end well. Sadness in particular wanted to go to the controls, but Fear and Disgust forced her back. So she stood back and waited. They would have to learn like Joy did, and it would be a hard lesson.
At first cutting out seconds helped Fear and Disgust to relax, but as Riley continued through puberty, the scale continued to inch up. Snacks were the next thing to go. No more candy or chips. No more sugary soda. But that only caused the time between meals to stretch out to an almost unbearable point. One day she was talking to a friend about it, and she smiled.
"Oh, my sister uses gum when she's trying to not eat between meals."
So off to the store to buy gum. Fear and Disgust were delighted that it worked. But her body continued to develop and the number on the scale kept going up. It didn't matter that she was getting taller, she needed to see a smaller number. Nobody had called her fat since she'd started her new diet, and she wanted to keep it that way.
The hunger pains started to become a comfort after awhile as Fear and Disgust worried about the calories in her old favorite foods and how much more control they had now. "How could we have ever eaten that?" became a constant refrain, and Joy was shoved farther away into her own little 'circle of happiness' as they put it. Her glow was now so dim, and she looked like a pale imitation of her former self. Her eyes no longer sparkled, and she barely ever touched the controls anymore.
After several months, something new happened. She came home with her friends to hang out one day only to find her parents home. Her grandparents were there, too, and she would never forget the looks of dismay on their faces when they saw her for the first time since she'd started her new diet.
"What's going on?" Riley asked, and Anger grasped the controls as Fear shoved him forward.
The word intervention didn't really register. What did register was that she was going to have to go to a special doctor's office to try and get her healthy again.
"It's too much, Riley," her mother said compassionately. "You've lost too much weight."
What followed was the worst bout of anger that Riley had had since she was little. She actually tried to attack her mother at the mention of the dreaded word, as Fear and Anger pounded at the controls with abandoned. For the first time, Disgust stared at the two emotions then looked up to see Riley having a meltdown. She turned to look at Joy, who stood watching with hollow eyes. The former seat of Riley's emotions only looked away and shrugged.
"What do you expect?" she asked softly.
Disgust stared at the mess, then she turned to Sadness. "Riley needs you, doesn't she?"
Sadness nodded, and Disgust and Joy came forward to wrest the controls out of Anger's and Fear's grips. As soon as the console was free, Sadness ran forward and took control. As the anger and fear drained away, all Riley could do was cry as she realized what Disgust had. Despite all their control, Riley was still growing up. Nothing they could do would change that. Even though it was scary, she needed help, and she finally felt able to accept, for a moment at least, that what she was doing wasn't good for her. So with her parents and friends behind her, Riley began searching for a therapist that specialized in eating disorders.
Though they had accepted it for a moment, Fear and Disgust still couldn't seem to help themselves. They still cringed at food, despite knowing they couldn't keep going this way. Eating anything was a struggle, especially things she'd loved for so long. Now all she saw was the number of calories they had, and she wondered why she'd always been so careless. Food used to be a joy, now it was a frightening, uncomfortable experience.
Then she met Shelly. Shelly was a friendly older woman who specialized in eating disorders, and Riley found that she could like her even while talking about food. Shelly asked her a lot of questions about her childhood, and for the first time in a long time, Joy shone at the controls. Riley talked excitedly about everything she'd loved about Minnesota, all her fond memories, and even about her bout of depression after they'd moved.
"When did you start caring about eating less?" Shelly asked in a lull.
Joy automatically took several steps backward and clasped her hands politely in front of her dress as her colors became desaturated again. The others watched with concern, except for Sadness. She stepped up, recalled a memory, and waited.
"This boy in my class was mocking me, pretending to be really fat and copying what I was doing," Riley said softly. "He'd said he liked me at the beginning of the school year."
"Maybe he did," Shelly agreed. "Did anything happen between you?"
"He saw me talking to Jordan, and he got this funny look on his face."
"Who's Jordan?"
"Oh, he's a friend," Riley said.
"Perhaps this boy thought he was more than your friend," Shelly said.
Riley was surprised by this, a mix of Joy and Fear at the controls. "Do you think so?" she asked.
"It's a possibility," Shelly said. "And knowing why he might have done it is a good thing, even if it's not a comfortable thing. However, knowing this does not excuse his actions. He should have spoken with you, but boys in middle school aren't exactly known for their communication skills. You cannot take back what he said or how you reacted to it over the past few months. But you can choose how to react to it going forward. It's going to be a hard road, but you have a good support system, and I'm willing to be a part of it. You have to want to get better before you can. So do you?"
Disgust reached out for Joy and took her hand. Without a word, all of the emotions pressed the controls to form the most emotionally complicated memory ever as Riley said two words.
"I do."
What followed was the hardest thing Riley had ever done. It strained everything in her to eat, especially at first, but gradually, she began to regain a healthy sense of food. She didn't return to her old diet, instead choosing to add some salads and healthier options, and she felt all the better for it. At school, she became an advocate for healthy eating and against spending too much time on social media.
One day, the boy that had mocked Riley bumped into her. She thought of telling him all that had happened to her because of him then decided against it. Instead, she smiled and handed him an apple.
"Eat up," she said then watched him walk away.
She couldn't control most things, but she did have a choice on how to react, just like Shelly had told her. So in defiance to her younger self, she picked up an apple and took a big bite. It really didn't matter what he thought of her.
And that was her choice.