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The sun had just set on the cool day, nearing mid-february. All the boys in the school return to their rooms or move to the common rooms for studying after dinner. Todd and the rest of the Dead Poets did the same, all congregating to the same corner of the big room. Meeks and Pitts sat on the ground, tinkering with the radio they had built on top of the coffee table. Cameron, Charlie, and Knox are all working on chemistry homework for the moment. Though it was more Cameron and Charlie fighting over the answers and Knox watching with amusement, doing absolutely nothing to intervene.
Todd scanned the room, looking for when Neil finally came back, saying he needed to grab his books from his dorm just a few minutes ago. He sat on a big chair right behind the coffee table and against the wall. A blank notepad sat in his lap, the pen in his hand simply tapping against it as he tried to bring his focus back to the page.
Mr. Keating had assigned them yet another poem to do, this time with a specific theme for the time of year. He knew Mr. Keating loved romantic themes in literature and would take any chance he could get to make his class show their talents and tap into their emotions. Even if said emotions were difficult, and in Todd's case, a mystery to himself. However, it was due tomorrow in class and he had ignored it for as long as he could.
He and Neil were not explicitly together, Neil had said it himself. He called it a quote unquote “casual fling,” something to do when they were alone and bored. Todd would never admit the way his heart soared every time Neil touched him though. One those quiet nights when Neil would lean over him from his desk, telling him to take a break and he was overworking himself. One thing leading to another and they'd end up all over each other, lips pressed together and hands in each other's hair.
Todd could feel himself drifting off in his thoughts again, bringing a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose as he sighed. A nervous tick. He tapped his pen a few more times, chewing on his lip before Neil walked in, books in hand and signature lopsided smile. Todd could feel himself smiling back immediately, not able to help it when he felt the room light up around them. Neil himself was enough to make any room brighter, as cliché as that was. He quickly softened his expression to a colder one, turning back to his still blank notepad.
“Found it, I forgot I had left it under the desk. I swear I'd lose my head if it wasn't attached to me-”
Neil chuckled as he walked to the chair next to Todd, looking at him with kind eyes and a small smile. Todd nodded and tried to look lost in his writing, even if he still couldn't find anything to say.
He heard a scoff come from the table nearby, Charlie speaking up,
“Nice of you to finally join us, Neil. I was just about to find you myself.” He nagged, “See me and Cameron here, need your expertise to settle an argument over here.”
He motioned over to the obviously annoyed redhead next to him, rolling his eyes and about to protest when Neil put his books down on the seat and began walking over.
“Yeah, yeah. I'll help you.” Neil accepted, sealing his fate in joining the argument. He most likely did it on purpose, trying to hold off homework for just a bit longer. As he walked past Todd, his hand drifted to squeeze his shoulder, spreading his warmth and unconscious reassurance. He felt his back tense, Neil’s hand already gone and swinging by his side. Todd took a deep breath, eyes eyeing the paper as he suddenly felt a sick twist in his stomach.
It was pathetic how much he yearned for Neil, how he leaned into his touch when he was given it and how he followed his every move, watching him the same way you would study a painting in a museum. Admiration that went so deep he almost built it into resentment. That feeling itself made him feel sick- He could never hate Neil. No matter how much he knew Neil could never possibly feel the same way or look at him like he’s an angel brought to earth the same way he did, he could never hate him. The burning feeling in his stomach grew and he needed to leave the room, badly. He could never live with himself if he broke down because of this stupid fling, much less if it happened in front of the other people in the room. He quickly flips the notepad closed, standing slower so as to not draw attention to himself when he slips out the room. Neil raises his head for a moment, watching him leave with a confused look, concern etching into his brow.
Todd walked quickly, a hand lift to rub along his chest and offer a sense of comfort. Anything that was enough to coax him back to breathing and thinking straight.
He shut the door to the dorm room quickly, back pressed against the door as he arms wrapped around himself and he ducked his head into his chest. He learned that if he shut his eyes tight enough, counted backwards from ten, and repeated- eventually the hole in his chest would feel less like a gunshot and the weight on his shoulders was light enough to walk again. Though that seemed futile as he already felt wetness on his sleeve and blinked away new forming tears.
“Stop crying- just stop crying.” He mumbled to himself, reaching a hand up to cover his eyes. He knew that if anyone saw him like this, it would only prove more just how pathetic they all thought he was. The quiet, shy boy of the class who never said a word until forced to. The one that couldn’t even talk or think for too long without a knot forming in his throat and he had to leave the room not unlike the way he just did.
Todd breathed slowly, flexing and unflexing his fingers until he was sure that the tears wouldn’t return.
He realized during this endeavor, he had fallen to the floor, legs pushed up against his chest as comforting pressure that worked more than his arms could. He pinched between his eyes and sighed, hands pushing against the floor beside him as he pulled himself up and walked over to the bed. Sitting on the edge, his hands ran down his face and he let himself fall back. The ceiling above him helped him clear his thoughts, blank and nothing to remind him of the unfortunate situation he was in. He stared too long, almost missing the sound of footsteps that lead to outside the door. He sat up just as Neil walked through the door, waving goodnight to Charlie and Knox cheerfully.
“Oh- Todd! I was wondering where you ran off too.” Neil laughed as he set his books down onto his desk, organizing the papers along it and placing pencils back in their spots. Todd ran his hands down his thighs nervously, suddenly aware of the room again.
“Yeah, just needed space to…think and such.” The blond stammered out, trying to sound as calm as possible. He hated being in moods like this, where he over-analyzed every word he said, movement he made, and even breath he took. Neil seemed unconvinced, sensing a sort of apprehension in Todd. He could always seem to tell, no matter how hard Todd tried to cover it up. Perhaps Todd was just a bad liar though, taking Neil’s worry for more than it was.
“You sure? I mean, you looked a little pale, had me thinking you were sick or something.” Neil turned back to face him, giving him a once over look. Todd couldn’t help but feel like he was being dissected, self-consciousness washing over him in an instant as he folded his arms over each other. Neil tilted his head and strolled over across the room, raising a hand to feel for Todd’s forehead, in which Todd moved his head out of the way. He leaned back and opened his mouth to protest.
“I’m fine! Really- You don’t have to do that, Neil.”
Ever so persistent, Neil ignored the boy and reached around him for the back of his head, holding him still so he could continue his search for a fever. Todd felt his face betray him as it softened a heat rose to his cheeks.
Neil smirked, his hand falling to hold the side of Todd’s face instead and drag his thumb along his cheekbone.
“No fever, fortunately, so you can’t use the sick excuse.” Neil teased lightheartedly, his gentle hold on Todd’s cheek feeling like it’s searing a burning sensation into him. Todd stops himself from leaning into it, deciding to tense up and push Neil away from him softly.
“It’s just about homework- okay? Just drop it.” He looked up at Neil, meeting his eyes for only a moment until he had to pull his gaze away. Neil just stared down at him, looking almost hurt and conflicted at the same moment. He stepped back cautiously and brought his hand down to his sides.
“If you say so, Todd.” Neil conceded and turned away, looking over his shoulder once more before he settled at his desk.
Todd ran a hand through his hair before falling back on his bed again, eyes settling for the ceiling once more.
–
The bell rang out just as Todd finished the last question on his math questionnaire, stuffing his pen into his messenger bag and he handed his paper to the teacher as he left the classroom. He had been dreading this all day. A pit had grown in his stomach and he could barely walk, nerves filling his entire being. He knew Mr. Keating would be expecting him to present his poem, it seemed he was always that teacher’s target when it came to reading aloud.
He watched the floor as he walked the familiar route to the English classroom, gripping the straps of his bag like it was about to fly away. Mr. Keating stood in the doorway, greeting his students as they walked in, Todd being no exception.
“Can’t wait to see what you bring to the table today, Mr. Anderson.” The man jested, nodding at the next student who walked in. Todd felt his throat dry up and he shakily made his way to his seat, making a point to not look at Neil as he passed him. He could feel the boy’s gaze burn into him. As much as he hated leaving Neil so confused, ignoring him all day and making him wonder if he had done something wrong, Todd simply couldn’t handle it at the moment. Being forced to confront his emotions was enough, he couldn’t possibly put up a front around Neil all day.
Mr. Keating closed his door as the last student hurried into the room, Charlie being the one stumbling into his seat quickly, most likely because he had ignored the bell until he realized the time. A few students snickered at this common occurrence, even Mr. Keating joining in a bit as he leaned on the front of his desk.
“Today,” He started, pushing his hands into the pockets of his suit pants, “As I’m sure most of you are aware, we are sharing our poems I assigned just about a week ago. For the special occasion of such a romantic holiday up and coming, I hope that most of you managed to bring pen to paper for this.”
He smiled and flickered his eyes around the room, “Now- Who would like to go first!”
Silence filled the room, weary glaces spread around as they all seemed to want to avoid Mr. Keatings eyes. The eccentric man rolled his eyes and pointed to a boy randomly, earning a groan from said student who stood and made way up to the front of the classroom. He repeated a simple poem quickly, nothing special or especially extraordinary. Though, the teacher seemed pleased enough.
“How wonderful! Now, who's next?”
Todd quickly turned his head away, looking out the window with explicit disinterest.
“Ah- Mr. Anderson,” Mr. Keating walked to stand in front of his desk with a knowing smile on his face. “Don’t think looking away will make you any less likely to be chosen- why don’t you give us something?”
Todd looked back at the man then scanned the room, standing carefully as his entire body seemed to shake. It was almost hard to stand but he pushed through, planting his feet at the front of the room and clearing his throat. His breath hitched for a moment as he made sudden eye contact with Neil, something he had been dreading. A shiver ran up his spine and he found himself at a loss for words, even if he held the sheet of paper right in front of him. He heard as Mr. Keating leaned forward to whisper quietly, “Carpe diem, my friend.”
Todd swallowed the lump in his throat, and even though his voice was shaky, he managed to start talking.
“When you are old and [gray] and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;
How many loved your moments of glad grace,”
Todd took a breath, watching Neil intently. The boy watched him stare carefully, taking a deep breath of his own as he realized this poem would be about him.
“And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;
And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.”
(When You Are Old; William Butler Yeats)
Todd stood quiet for a few moments looking away at the wall quickly as the hand that held the paper fell to his side. Neil held this look on his face that made Todd’s heart ache so terribly. Like a mix of emotions, sad, fearful, astonished, and betrayed. He looked just about as fragile as Todd felt. The students in the classroom soon began clapping loudly, the silent moment between the two boys ending in an instant.
Mr. Keating looked at him proudly, walking over and patting his shoulder, “Bravo, Todd, bravo!-”
He nodded and led the shaking boy back to his seat giving him a small smile.
Returning to his place in the front of the room, the cheering slowly dying, Neil’s silence didn’t go to unnoticed by Mr. Keating. He pointed him out, chuckling softly, “You seem especially at a loss for words, Mr. Perry. Would you like to come up here and try to find them?” He smiled innocently, unknowingly granting Neil’s worst fear.
“I- I sure can, sir.” The boy stammered, standing with his own paper in hands. He quietly stalked to the floor as Mr. Keating moved out of the way for him and gave him an encouraging nod.
He cleared his throat, eyes scanning the page closely for a moment before his eyes caught Todds and he began after quickly looking away.
“The phrase "I love you" sits heavy on my chest.
On the tip of my tongue while I bite it and keep my mouth shut.” He paused for a moment, standing up straighter as he was not one to let his hesitance show.
“There are so many words I could say. So many concepts that I just can't form coherent.
But standing on top of the hill of my thoughts, lies one truth; I love you.”
His eyes met Todd’s again, his tone changing to a softer one as if he was telling a secret. As he was. Todd felt his eyes begin to water at the practical confession, blinking them back quickly and dropping his gaze to the floor.
“And I can only dream of having you again, whispering those words into the space that we hold between us.” Neil finished, a forced and brief smile adorning his lips as the class began clapping. Mr. Keating clapped for a moment, grinning from ear to ear.
“You do have a way with words, Mr. Perry. You may take your seat if you’d like.”
Neil nodded and sat down quickly, eyes flickering to Todd as he passed and he couldn’t seem to stop himself from glancing over to him again and again throughout the rest of the class. All he could do was sit in worry, unable to read Todd’s face from behind. Had he ruined everything completely? Was Todd angry at him? So many questions raced his mind, he could barely keep still. He didn’t hear a word of any other boy’s poem, his mind too busy.
Todd sat completely still, eerily so. It truly scared Neil, how Todd was just so silent.
Todd himself was unable to breath, focusing on too many things at once. It was truly difficult to pay any attention when it took all in his being to not begin sobbing. He could practically feel all eyes on him, his breath hitching and his fist clenching tightly. Mr. Keating looked his way a few times with concern, but kept quiet, knowing announcing anything at the moment would only worsen everything. He had just released Meeks, who had shared a poem of comparing love to the sky, back to his seat when the bell rang loudly.
Todd jumped from his seat before his teacher could catch him, walking quickly out of the room, Neil on his heels.
“Todd-” Neil called out, following him down the hallway, having to jog in order to keep up. “Todd, please.”
The blonde ignored him, taking quick strides, turning corners till it led him to their door room. He shut the door just as Neil caught up, locking it quickly and breathing rapidly. He could hear Neil knocking on the other side of the door, pleading with him to open it and let him talk. Todd shook his head and covered his face, “Please- Neil, I-”
Todd stuttered as he held his breath. “Please.”
Neil stopped knocking and he heard a small thud as if Neil had rested his head on the door. He understood that Todd needed a moment to be alone, time to think and space to breath. As much as he wished he could help, begging for Todd to listen when he clearly wasn’t in the right head space would lead nowhere.
“I’ll leave you alone, Todd. Just-” He sighed and heard the bell ring, signaling the next class had started. He looked at the door, hoping it would magically open but instead he took a step backwards. “We can talk later.” Was all he murmured before trudging to his next class. Todd let out the breath he was holding as he heard Neil walk away, grateful that he was being left alone. He let go of the door handle, walking over to his bed slowly and flopping down hard.
“Why must it all be so hard?” He whispered as he turned to his side and held himself tight.
–
He didn’t realize he had fallen asleep until there was rapid knocking on the door, followed by a sing-song voice “Todddd,”
Charlie called out, jiggling the door handle, “You in there?” He knocked again as Todd stood, walking over to the door and unlocking it, only leaving it open enough for his face to show.
“Morning, sleeping beauty. I wasn’t aware you were one to skip class for a mid-day nap.”
Charlie teased, ignoring Todd’s attempt at keeping him out of the room and pushing past him.
“Shut it, Nuwanda. ” Todd responded, annoyed and unaware of the time.
“Well you missed dinner, I just wanted to see if you would be joining us for the meeting tonight-” The boy said with a shrug, sitting down on the end of Neil’s bed and leaning back. Todd sighed and closed the door, sitting across from him and folding his arms.
“I don’t see why I shouldn’t.” He scoffed, looking out the window. It was dark out, the stars beginning to pop up the night sky like tiny lamps off in the distance.
It was probably around 9 pm, meaning they would be sneaking off campus in less than an hour for their group trek to the cave.
“I don’t know, you looked a bit sick earlier. Neil and the rest of us were just worried about you.” Charlie admitted, looking at Todd weirdly as if looking out for when the boy would start to vomit.
“If he’s so worried, why isn’t he here himself?” Todd snapped, raising his voice in a way very unlike him. He pinched the bridge of his nose, an apology about to slip out of him but Charlie cut to the chase.
“I have no clue what kind of spat happened between the two of you, but you need to man up.” Charlie argued as he stood up from the bed, keeping his voice from a yell but tone still scolding. His hand raised a pointed a finger to Todd's chest. “Neither of you should be taking it out on me- I don’t even know what it’s about! Whatever Neil did, you need to talk it out, before I force you to. I promise you won’t like the circumstances.”
Charlie took a deep breath when he was done, feeling a tad bit accomplished.
Todd sat with his jaw slightly agape, a bit perturbed to be talked to like he was a child, but ultimately agreeing with his words.
He uttered quietly, “I’ll join you guys in half an hour, when we make our way…I’ll talk to him.”
Charlie just nodded and left the room awkwardly, moving back to his own room.
–
The Dead Poets sat in the cave, fire ablazing and snacks being passed around. A box of raisins sat ignored on the ground, no one really knowing who kept bringing them. Pitts had just given a small snippet from a poem in the book gifted to them. Something about finding the good in the worst, no matter how terrible things made out to be. The group cheered and Pitts bowed dramatically, almost falling much to everyone’s amusement.
Tension still hung in the air though, Neil sat as far away from Todd as he could. They would glance at each other only for seconds at a time, staring being too much.
Todd was snapped out of his thoughts when he heard his poem from earlier being mentioned.
“Truly, it was great! Did you see the way Mr. Keating got all misty-eyed!” Knox nudged his shoulder, chewing on a chocolate bar.
“So who’s the lucky lady? You’ve had to have someone in mind when writing that.” Cameron pointed out, giving him a sideways look. Todd froze as he felt all eyes drift to him, his own eyes meeting Neil’s in a way that burned almost as bad as the fire near his feet.
“N-No one, just what came to mind-” He denied, looking back at Cameron with a ‘please stop talking’ look. His hands ringed together, clenching tightly. He hated when all the attention was brought to him, expectant looks from everyone. Everyone but Neil. Neil’s eyes looked wide, perhaps just as terrified as him. They held a sort of sadness in them that he couldn't explain, not betrayal but not something unlike it.
“Bullshit, Todd, you’ve gotta tell us!-” Charlie joined Cameron in his persistence, moving closer to Todd as if that would help him. Everyone seemed to be getting closer to him now, making his breathing shallow and he was suddenly unable to form words.
“Give him some space, guys! He can barely breathe- We should be heading back by now anyways.” Neil hinted to them, reading the time on his watch. “2:34- see!”
Charlie rolled his eyes but acknowledged Neil’s concern.
“Alright, alright- We’ll back off. Todd’s probably right, he probably just thought of it from scratch with that big ol’ brain of his” The jokester jabbed, gaining an accent and pinching one of Todd’s cheeks which the latter quickly smacked away. They all backed away from him, helping clean up the area as the poets began to shimmy out of the tight space. Todd leaned over to pat out the fire with a blanket they kept in the cave for such a task. Neil shifted nervously behind him, attempting to help but ultimately deciding to stand out of the way, chewing on his thumb. Charlie ducked his head into the now dark cave, his feature only visible by the lantern Cameron held behind him.
"We're gonna go ahead, you guys can follow when you're done. I expect happy faces tomorrow morning-" He pointed between the two of them, Cameron pulling him by his arm and telling him to shut up and start walking. Neil dropped his head with a snort, folding his arms and hearing the leaves crunching behind them as the group walked away. Todd stood with his hands clenched, making no move that he was going to start the conversation. Neil seemed to be following that directive, watching his feet like they were the most interesting thing he'd ever seen. The cave felt so much smaller now, even if the hoard of boys had left, the suffocating feeling persisting. Neil looked up at him when he took a deep breath, eyes like a beautiful mahogany that seemed to glow like dark pools in the moonlight. His brows furrowed together in a way that Todd could compare to a begging dog. Neil always had a dog-like sense of loyalty, Meeks had called him a Labrador once after witnessing him following Todd around the entire school for a day without fail.
"The poem earlier," Neil started, "Do you really think of me that way?"
Todd met his eyes, wishing to be anywhere else but here at the moment. "You make it hard not to." He stated, raising a hand to rub the back of his neck.
Neil countered, the grip on his own arm tightening under Todd's eyes, "I don't understand, Todd. What did I do?" He watched Todd expectantly, waiting for a response as he took a step forward. Todd stepped forward himself, swallowing his nerves. If Neil wanted an answer, he would give him one. Even if it wasn't one he wanted to hear.
"No- I'm the one that doesn't understand, Neil! You said this wasn't anything more than casual and yet y-you can 'only dream of having me again'-" Todd reiterated, using Neil's words from earlier as his argument. "I can't tell if you're lying or telling the truth here!" He took a deep breath before starting again. "You kiss me, and hug me, and squeeze my shoulder, hold my face- but then you turn around and tell me it means absolutely nothing! Now all of a sudden you love me?" Todd felt his voice raising, as much as he hated yelling, he couldn't help it in a time like this.
"I just want to know if you feel the same, Neil. If whenever you see me, you get the same feeling in your chest. O-or when you kiss me- does it feel like you could die and come back alive all at the same exact time?" Todd stepped forward once more, only a foot away from the other boy. "When you touch me, do you feel on fire or not? I need to know, Neil- it's eating me alive. I understand if you don't, I just-"
Neil shot forward, hands grabbing for his face to successfully shut him up. "I do! Todd- truly!"
"You have no idea how absolutely infatuated I am with you!" Neil exasperated as Todd lifted his hands to hold his wrists, eyes brimming with tears. "I search for you in every room a-and I feel every nerve of my body stand when we meet eyes. I could- and I have- gotten lost in you. I didn't notice how badly it would hurt, like a stab wound, when you were not there today. I-" Neil felt himself weeping, Todd's starstruck expression making him scoff. "I was scared, okay? I was scared that if I got attached or made things more official, it would hurt more if I lost you. I'm scared of losing you, Todd. You know what would happen if my father found out!"
Neil tried to calm himself and Todd wrapped his arms around him, tucking his face in Neil's neck as he hugged him tightly. Neil wrapped his arms around Todd's waist, resting his head on the other's shoulder. They did just that for a long while, swaying gently and tears staining each other's sweaters. Neil leaned back slowly, a hand returning to hold Todd's cheek. "Please never ignore me again, I don't think I could take it." He said with a soft chuckle, hand brushing the hair out of Todd's eyes. The blonde nodded, bringing Neil's hand to his lips and kissing his knuckles.
"I won't." He promised, head touching Neil's, "It was kind of childish."
Neil smiled and leaned in, pressing their lips together as his thumb dragged along the skin of Todd's face. "Is it still casual now, or can we be more?"
Todd gave him a dorky smile, chasing Neil's lips and holding them together for a few more moments. "I don't think it ever was 'casual'-"
Neil wrapped his arms around the other, spinning them around as he leaned to whisper close in the space between them. "I love you, Todd. So, so much."
"I love you too, Neil." Todd whispered back, kissing Neil again as they fell backwards to the ground of the cave.
--
"Ah- See what did I say? Happy faces!" Charlie cheered when the pair walked to the breakfast table, patting Neil's back as he sat down next to him. Todd sat across from him, a bashful smile across his face in comparison to Neil's giddy one.
"It's seems you were right for once, Nuwanda." Neil shoved Charlie back, obviously teasing him.
"Yeah- For the first time ever." Cameron mumbled, making Charlie retort back. A new record for how quickly they began their first fight of the day.
Neil smiled back at Todd, their legs interlocked with each other under the table. Even if they could never show their love in the world around them, they knew in their hearts how much they loved each other. That was enough for them.