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Joy never took the French emotion, ennui, seriously. Joy requested sadness or disgust or even anxiety or embarrassment step in when ennui tried to access the console the way the other emotions did, physically, meaning ennui relied on her phone more and more to control Riley. But it was all fine. Riley didn’t need ennui all that often, she was full of emotions! Sadness was immediately ready when the news came that Riley didn’t make the Firehawks, followed by embarrassment and envy. What would Val think of Riley now? She seemed supportive, but Riley wanted more than anything to be like Val. Envy and anger colored the remainder of the day, sadness returning when Riley had to tell her parents and friends from middle school.
There was a boy in history class that Riley couldn’t quite comprehend what exactly about him made fear creep closer, start hitting buttons. Embarrassment always followed shortly, when the boy started talking to Riley, complimenting her taste in music, her doodles, her appearance, even. Joy tried to make embarrassment return to the corner with the manuals, but the emotion was big enough he carried disgust with him, ignoring her protests.
When the boy insisted on partnering with Riley on a presentation, joy, in a rare moment of clarity, let ennui take charge, as otherwise embarrassment and disgust would have caused her to create a new core belief: I don’t like this boy, which joy and anxiety couldn’t allow. What if he was actually The One? What if Riley rejecting him was what made Val realize Riley wasn’t cool, was actually too young to be a good friend?
Valentina didn’t seem to think that about Riley, her own emotions mainly being a combination of joy and envy at RIley’s immaturity and freedom in expressing her emotions (her anxiety at hockey camp was part of what endeared Val to Riley so much to start with, remembering Val’s own freshman infatuation with her first team captain), mirroring many of Riley’s when they were in one another’s vicinity. They were quickly becoming one another's closest friends, in spite of Val's teammates not entirely warming up to Riley, not entirely having forgiven her for the Michigan lie.
Val invited Riley to go skating when Val wasn’t practicing with the Firehawks, even sometimes suggesting Grace and Bree visit at the local rink (the rink Riley and Val had first met) so the trio from middle school could stay friends in real life rather than just via texting.
“There’s a difference between hanging out online and in person. You three were to be reckoned with on the ice back in middle school, and we can duel pretty well in two on two here now. Minnesota, you can pick teams.”
Riley chose Bree first, joy having aided in that decision knowing if she let Bree and Grace be paired against her and Val, envy might take over, or nostalgia might break into headquarters again , and Riley might not play at her best. Val and Grace didn’t have the synchronization Riley and Bree had, having never played alongside each other, and Val called the game off at three points, requesting they switch again. So then Riley and Grace played against Val and Bree, until Grace’s older sister had to pick her and Bree up, since they didn’t live as close to the rink as the Bay Area High School students did. After her friends left, Val suggested they put the pucks away and just skate. They did. Embarrassment got a moment to shine when Riley tripped and had to cling to Val to stay upright, followed by joy when Val held Riley’s hand, anxiety and embarrassment wondering if the only reason the older girl did that was to prevent Riley from falling again. Ennui took the reins, as Val continued talking, asking Riley about her classes. “Who are you partnered with for Mr. Davison’s big presentation assignment? Sarah or…?” Sarah was one of Riley’s other new friends in her history class, but she had been absent the day they were partnered.
“No, actually, um, Liam. I don’t know his last name, I think he’s new here.”
“Great, you can show him how Californians do things, Minnesota! After all, you were new not that long ago!”
“Yeah, and I tried to take a bus back to Minnesota because I was so emotionally wrecked by the move! I’m not the type to give advice, not about that.” Sadness had pushed the button, injecting herself into Riley’s voice before Ennui took over. “I’m over it now, though. Obviously. Kinda a funny story actually.”
“Oooh, I don’t think you told me that story! C’mon, I’m getting cold, you can tell me while we take our skates off!” Riley did just that, telling Valentina about her inability to feel anything but anger, disgust, and fear following the move, prompting her to buy a one way ticket on a bus to Minnesota with no real plan.
Riley had to put effort into planning her time, far more now than she ever had before. So after their end of the day history class on Friday, Riley invited Liam over to start planning their project. They had until before Winter break to come up with a historical event sometime between the 1950s and today, research enough about it that they could compile at least three primary sources on the topic, and present a powerpoint to the class on it. Riley wasn’t exactly a history person, so she had hoped Liam would choose the topic for them.
Liam was weird. He was from Massachusetts, so while they bonded over missing snow a lot, little else about their moves were in common. Liam didn’t seem all that bothered about the project, suggesting maybe they see what documentaries Netflix had that might give them ideas on topics. Riley shrugged, ennui having taken control again until about fifteen minutes into the movie, when Liam rested his head on Riley’s shoulder, in such a way that could be perceived as just trying to see the small computer screen better. Fear pressed a button. “Maybe, we should try looking up events on Wikipedia instead. I don’t think I want to do our project on the Cold War.”
“Okay,” but Liam stayed pressed against Riley, and Anxiety was starting to worry about his proximity. He pushed the computer in her direction before putting his hand on her knee. What was this boy doing? Focus, Riley, you’re here to do a project.
“Maybe we could do something about the AIDS epidemic? There are loads of primary sources on the topic.”
“Sure, yeah, that sounds good.” Was his hand moving? His hand was moving. Fear and anxiety worked in tandem, as Liam touched her thigh. The inside of her thigh. Riley couldn’t breathe. Was this a nightmare?
“Hey, do you two want any snacks?” Riley’s mom thankfully chose that moment to interrupt, and Liam’s hand plopped itself back onto the table they were sharing as he googled “AIDS epidemic”, replying to Riley’s mom like he had been there before.
“No thanks, we’re not hungry, Mrs. Andersen,”
“You sure? Riley?”
“I’m not hungry. Maybe later.”
“Okay, well, you two know where to find me!” Liam didn’t do anything weird again after that. In fact, he seemed so innocent and considerate of Riley’s ideas after that, anxiety started to wonder if he had even touched her at all or if Riley’s Imagination Island had gone rogue again. Disgust stole the memory, launching it towards the back of the mind with some help from embarrassment’s strength. Fear began crying after that, meaning ennui took over when Riley’s mom began talking about what a sweet boy that Liam seemed. Anger took over when Mom questioned if perhaps they might be more than partners for an assignment.
“The two of you were awfully close, honey. You’re at the age where it’s normal to start having feelings for boys, you know that, right?!”
“I know! Oh my God, Mom, leave me alone!”
Riley’s emotions were conflicted by the boy. His hands appeared in anxiety’s nightmares, going further than where he had actually gone, but in the daytime, Riley refused to think about him.
Joy took control when Val invited Riley over for a sleepover that weekend, determined to make a lasting impression. They did. Riley had turned bright pink when Val asked if she had ever kissed anyone, and joy flew forward when Val asked if RIley wanted to. “For practice, to see if you like it. Since you don’t have any real world crushes to kiss, just Lance-from-that-video-game.”
“Don’t make me regret telling you that! Wait, you mean - we could kiss?”
“Yeah, Ebony and I did it all the time our freshman year, and now she’s been dating Adam. You’ve seen them making out during free periods. Didn’t you ever wonder how she got so good at it?”
“I just assumed they had kissed a lot, practiced together. But,” joy crushed the button, “yeah, absolutely, we can - thank you.”
“No problem, Minnesota.” Val and Riley’s mouths met. Their tongues met. It was better than anything RIley could have ever imagined, and Riley didn’t notice anxiety’s nudge when Val placed her hand on Riley’s knee - joy had too much power to let anxiety leave her chair. Only when her hand also began moving higher did Riley’s console get frozen over by fear.
“Riles? Are you good?”
Embarrassment stole the knob and made Riley’s voice softer than she meant to say it. “Don’t - don’t touch me that high up, please.”
“Sure, sorry, got a bit carried away there. Want to stop? Do something else?” Riley nodded, sadness tinged in her half-grin. But joy quickly returned as the two played Battlestar, Val choosing Lance, which brought goofball island back up. After winning twice, Riley felt better enough she wanted to try kissing again. She liked it a lot.
She couldn’t stop smiling the rest of the week. Grace and Bree had noticed when the trio met for dinner at the mall one night. Riley told them what had happened with Val, and Bree laughed and laughed. Grace said Val wasn’t being serious.
“Girls can date girls, she might’ve actually liked you like that and just didn’t know if - if proposing it seriously would work so she suggested practice.”
“Yeah, like kissing is something you practice! Hockey is something you practice! Seriously, you believed that friends could kiss each other on the mouth?!”
“Shut up, Bree. Riley’s not from California, for all we know, she’s never met a gay person.”
“I know about gay people, I’m doing a history project on the AIDS epidemic.”
“You know about gay people but not lesbians?”
“No - yes - I don’t know! What’s happening with your lives?” Riley sidetracked her friends into no longer mocking her lack of knowledge. She didn’t care what her friendship with Val was called, if the kissing was for real or practice, she just knew she liked it.
What Riley didn’t like was how Liam suggested she go to his place the next time they met up for the project. She didn’t have a reason to say no - he lived within walking distance of the school, so Riley reluctantly walked with Liam, the boy pulling her inside.
“So, the AIDs epidemic - you know, I didn’t really know what it was until I started researching.”
“Yeah, that’s generally how learning works.” Ennui mocked, opening a sar-chasm in Riley’s mind.
“Yeah, well, I didn’t know it was a bunch of fairies fucking and getting diseased from it. Maybe I don’t want to present on that, huh, Riley? Maybe I don’t want our entire class thinking I’m gay,” Liam’s anger and disgust brought Riley’s fear front and center. “We don’t have to, Liam. We could do the Cold War instead.”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought we should do. But, Riley, Riley, Riley, why did you think we should study a bunch of queers? Are you?”
“Am I what? Queer?” Liam nodded, a menacing, almost hungry gaze in his eyes that had Riley shaking her head vigorously. “I’m not! I just remembered it happened in the 1980’s, and being in California, a lot of activism happened here, so I thought finding primary sources would be easier. That’s it, that’s all, I wasn’t - ”
“Really, Riley? You expect me to believe that?”
“Yeah? It’s the truth.”
“I’ve been trying to get with you all year, and you spend most of your time making googly eyes at the Firehawks captain! If you’re really not gay, prove it.”
“What?” RIley was acutely aware she had let Liam lead her to the hallway; he was directly in front of her, his hands on her shoulders before he leaned in. Riley had just had her first kiss days earlier and this was nothing like that - this had disgust immediately press the gag reflex, Riley’s efforts to pull back only causing her head to collide with the wall behind her as Liam’s hands were moving past her shoulders towards her chest.
He was touching her chest, under her Giants’ shirt and her bra, the strap digging painfully into her neck as he moved her clothes. Riley’s favorite shirt had once been rainbow-colored. Riley was thinking about that in an effort to not think about what was happening.
“Sure, you’re totally not gay. This is exactly how every heterosexual girl reacts to a hot guy kissing her.” Liam’s sarcastic words could be felt, his breathing close enough to her nose Riley could smell the hotdog he had eaten for lunch. Anxiety, disgust, and fear jerked together as Liam’s other hand began lowering further, towards Riley’s underwear, and none of the other emotions could see beyond the haze of purple, orange, and green.
When Liam’s finger entered somewhere Riley had only ever touched to deal with her period, somewhere she hated even thinking about, anger finally blew his flame hot enough it reached Riley’s reflexes and she kicked out, causing his hand to move but it was still too close, too - Liam’s tongue was still inside Riley’s mouth and all she could do was breathe as the console began turning gray again. Like when she had entered the bus to move back to Minnesota before sadness and joy returned, only they were there, just powerless to do anything as Riley’s body was violated.
As their Riley’s core sense of self again became I’m not good enough because otherwise this wouldn’t be happening. Right? Joy was away in her sleeping area, unable to believe this was happening. Riley didn’t need her at the moment anyway.
When Dad arrived to pick Riley up, the two had begun researching primary sources on the Cold War. Riley was being puppeted by ennui, the only emotion able to access the gray control panel. Sadness was by ennui’s side, just keep it together until we get out of the car, and Riley told Dad she had a lot of homework and already ate dinner at Liam’s house, “yeah his family eats at like 5 at night, I know it’s early. Can I go work on my Catcher in the Rye essay now?” She locked herself in her room. Stared at her computer, at her phone. What could she do? She didn’t want anyone to know what had happened!
Sadness and disgust took control as Riley began crying. Fear remained in the background, as Riley tried to remember everything she had ever learned about rape, that big scary thing that happened to other people in faraway places like prisons or war zones or to victims. Anxiety began spinning her anxious energy. Was that what Riley was now? A victim? But he didn’t… Wikipedia said what he did wasn’t rape.
Riley didn’t want to think about this any more. Fear had her clearing her browser history and slowly actually starting her English essay. Ennui usually took over in that class anyway, as Holden Caulfield was a boring character. So Riley yawned and went to sleep early that night, just in time for anxiety to cook up more nightmares. Riley woke up after one where she had had the exact same acts occur, only Val was the one touching her that way and kissing her.
Riley played the part as if joy was piloting her, smiling and nodding through her Mom’s homemade pancakes. Her parents mostly talked to one another before Dad had to rush to work. Riley didn’t have anywhere to be as it was the weekend. She wandered around the city, aimless, ennui making every possible attraction appear unappealing and anxiety noticing every single human being that could possibly look too closely at her.
Sadness took over when Val messaged her, the memory of the previous weekend tainted by what had happened, residual fear from the nightmare hitting when Val wanted to know if Riley was free to hang out. She can’t - what if - what if - Riley texted back: I’m busy tonight sorry, when in reality the only thing she was busy doing was listening to a playlist of the saddest songs she could find online, hoping maybe feeling sadness was healthier than the ennui-anxiety combination she was currently being controlled by. Sadness still couldn’t touch the gray frozen console controlling Riley’s mood, so the teenage girl continued feeling nothing. Anxiety’s frantic energy was the only emotion Riley could connect to and she preferred ennui to it, but she missed normal sadness. Wasn’t that what had brought her home from the bus when she was eleven? Now Riley didn’t feel at home anywhere.
When Riley returned to school, she continued being puppeted by ennui, with embarrassment and anxiety creeping in when it became obvious faking emotions she wasn’t feeling wasn’t working on Valentina, who knew something was wrong with the younger hockey player, just not what. Riley wasn’t in control of her body’s instinctive reactions to the older girls’ physical presence, which resulted in minute flinching and looking over her shoulder, constantly terrified he might be watching.
“…you spend most of your time making googly eyes at the Firehawks captain! If you’re really not gay, prove it.”
“Minnesota? Hey! Riley! Hello?!”
“Sorry, what were you asking?”
“What’s going on in that little head of yours, short stack?”
“Nothing! Not nothing, obviously I have thoughts, but not - not anything that - I just spaced out is all. Sorry.”
“It’s all good. Look, is this about last weekend? Because we don’t ever have to do that again, if it freaked you out or was too much.”
“Okay, yeah, no, that’s…” Riley wasn’t really sure she ever wanted anyone to kiss her again. She wasn’t sure she wanted to exist again. Val’s existence just kept those words running through her head: making googly eyes at the Firehawks captain!
Riley asked her history teacher to switch partners, and he agreed to let her work with Sarah since Riley lied about Liam and her being unable to agree to a topic and Sarah still had yet to return from being sick with COVID-19. Fear had control of the console because Riley was in the same room as Liam, could feel his eyes in her, remembered what he’d done.
Eventually, joy became more frequent. Riley gathered the courage to tell Val, explain what - why - Riley had changed so much. Valentina was such a devoted friend, she actually quit the Firehawks her senior year, claiming it was just because she wanted to focus on college applications but Riley had a suspicion that she had influenced Val’s decision at least a little bit. Joy was around when Val was, and while ennui had more impact on Riley than Riley would have suspected before everything, Riley was recovering. Her emotions were like a forest fire that had burnt down - they were regenerating, learning how to react in the new landscape.