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“That just makes you scummy!”
“No it doesn’t! If she’s my opponent, I’ll fight her!”
“Then don’t let her be your opponent, idiot!”
“If she picks a fight she picks a fight, idiot!”
“CAN YOU TWO SHUT UP?!” Darius yelled from where he’s been arranging sticks and stones to make tonight’s campfire.
Ed and Greed promptly shut their mouths, the wrath of the person who’s turn it was to be in charge of camp being too powerful for them. They still glared at each other, though. Darius debated if he even wanted to know what this was about. Eventually, he decided it would be best to deal with it now rather than later when Heinkel returned from hunting. That way at least he’d be spared.
See? Darius could be benevolent when he wanted to be.
“What the hell are you two arguing about?” he asked after a moment of silence.
“Uh,” was the first response, offered by Ed with a great deal of hesitation, “women?”
“Ed here,” Greed said sharply, pointing at Ed to emphasize his point, “thinks it’s ok to beat up women.”
Darius raised an eyebrow.
“Don’t put it like that!” Ed yelled indignantly, “I’m trying to explain to Greed here–“ he pointed way too aggressively– “that if you need to fight a woman, there’s nothing wrong with it!”
Darius raised his other eyebrow, then let them both drop. Wow. These idiots.
“Why would you need to fight her, though?!” Greed asked angrily.
“Well, why would you need to fight a man?!”
“Plenty of reasons! Like if he tries to take my stuff.”
“And a woman can’t take your stuff?” Ed huffed, “you know female thieves exist?”
“Well, they exist. I don’t have to hit her though.”
“She stole your stuff! You just said-!”
“Shit’s different, kid!”
“I’m not a kid, fuck off!” Ed yelled. “You just said you’d fight a man if he stole your stuff. So if a woman took-“
“I’d just take my stuff back!” Greed yelled back.
“But she won’t just give your stuff back! She’s a dirty, petty, annoying ass thief!”
“This sounds weirdly personal…” Darius muttered. He saw Ed clench his hands around the pocket watch in his pocket. That told him everything he needed to know.
“Then take ‘em back, but there’s no need to fight her,” Greed said.
“How is there no need? She took the stuff, she won’t give it back, she’s running away, and is egging you on to catch her.”
“So you catch her! No need to hit her.”
“I’m not even talking about hitting her! But also, why wouldn’t you hit her?! She stole your stuff!”
“She’s a woman!”
“SO WHAT?!”
“SO YOU DON’T-“ Greed was interrupted by the loudest impatient throat clearing in the history of impatient throat clearings.
“You two should shut up right now before I throw you down that cliff.” Darius said.
The two of them turned their heads simultaneously towards the cliff behind them. Perhaps they were finally coming to regret setting up camp ‘next to a nice view’ – something they had insisted upon, despite it being Darius’s turn to be in charge today (Greed had used the argument that he was the leader, so he was always in charge, no matter what arrangements they had. Stupid idiot. What was the point of making the arrangements in the first place, then?)
Darius sent the two of them to timeout. Ed sat on a random rock fuming silently, muttering something about a teacher. Greed decided to lounge around on a random tree, instead, fuming much less silently and seemingly arguing with that prince in his head. Darius sighed. He realized he probably wouldn’t be able to keep Heinkel out of this one, after all. This was too much of a headache to deal with by himself. So much for benevolence.
---
“So explain to me why-“
“No, you fucking-“
“Explain to me why,” Ed cut him off sharply, with a glare, “you shouldn’t fight women.”
“This doesn’t need explaining,” Greed said, crossing his arms with a huff. “I guess you are a kid, though.”
Ed shot up, fuming. “Not only am I not a kid, but what the fuck does that even have to do with anything?!”
Greed smirked. “A kid like you just doesn’t understand what it means to be a gentleman.”
“A gentleman.” Ed blinked. “You.”
“Yes.”
“Huh.”
“What?” Greed asked, seemingly unsure how to take Ed’s… Mellow reaction.
That is until Ed burst out laughing.
“What the hell’s got you laughing?!”
“Nothing!!” Ed laughed. Greed jumped to his feet, looking by all means ready to shoot forward and slam Ed into the ground. Ed took that as his cue to run off into the forest.
Darius, who watched all this go down, sighed for the millionth time this week. How many times will those two bring up this conversation?
Heinkel simply raised his head from the newspaper he had managed to acquire from a nearby town. By some luck that could’ve only been granted to him by some god with too much time on its hands, Heinkel had managed to miss every single one of their arguments about the subject so far. He furrowed his eyebrows towards Darius in a questioning manner.
“Don’t ask,” Darius said.
Heinkel was satisfied to do just that.
---
“So your teacher was a woman.”
“Yes.”
“Ok. And?”
“And she beat you up!”
“I don’t see your point?”
“Ughhh.”
---
“A general?”
“She commands whole battalions. She rides on tanks. She fights with a sword.”
“Damn, badass.”
“Yeah! So if she stabs you in the arm, you’d fight back.”
“Well, I’d get the sword out of my arm, for sure.”
“And then you’d… Fight back.”
“Why?”
“WHY?!”
---
“And if she throws a wrench on your head, I think it’s at the very least appropriate to yell at her.”
“I never said you can’t yell at her. Did you ever throw anything back?”
“Well, no. Not with Winry.”
“Ahh, so she’s your girl then!”
“Huh?!”
---
“So she holds a gun to your head-“
“PLEASE,” Darius yelled, his headache the worst it has ever been, “JUST SHUT UP. JUST SHUT UP.”
“But he’s-“ Ed was cut off with Darius sending him the worst death glare he had sent anyone ever.
“If you ever so much as speak of this subject again, I will subject you to three weeks of laundry duty.”
Ed’s face paled.
“And you-“ Darius pointed at Greed with ferocity stronger than Ed could ever achieve- “if you ever bring up this subject again, you can say goodbye to your rock collection. Forever!”
Before Greed could object, saying something along the lines of you’re not the boss of me or even you’re not my dad, Heinkel showed up behind him, Lion form and holding the bag of Greed’s rock collection. Greed also paled and shut his mouth.
The subject was dropped, and never brought up again.