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Sharp pain shit through his arm as he pulled the cigarette away.
Simon didn't want to do this.
Everything just felt so dull, was he even alive?
Was he even conscious?
What was this fog in his head?
Why was everything feeling so far away?
when it all burns down
Wet tears ran down his cheeks and dropped on the yellow linoleum floor.
It had been a while since he cried.
He hiccuped and it wasn't long until he was full on sobbing.
Pressing his hands onto his eyes, the tears only came stronger. Sniffling, he feeled around for his discarded shirt.
“Why.”
His voice was rough and weak from the crying.
“Why did you leave me.”
Simon knew why.
He died in the line of service.
But still
“It hurts.”
His heart was feeling cut open, the warmth leaving him in running rivers.
Simon hasn't cried since that christmas.
Seeing Tommy laying underneath the tree, still holding onto the present he was given.
“It hurts so much.”
when it all burns down
Simon stood from the cold floor, tears and blood stains in front of his feet.
He needed air.
Opening the blinds, a full moon grinned down at him.
He ripped open the window and lit another cigarette.
He coughed after every long drag, his breath still being swallowed up by the tears running from his eyes.
Simon let his head fall between his hands, cigarette still lit.
“Why did mother earth want you back so early.”
He felt himself slipping further and further into the back of his
head.
Smushing the gleaming cigarette nub into his forearm he hissed, before tossing it out and shutting the window.
A red circle joined the other burns and scratches. Both his arms were covered in black and red blood scabs.
Pain was the only thing keeping him in the now.
He wanted another mission.
Maybe Ghost would die, so Simon could finally rest.
Maybe Simon could see Johnny again.
Maybe he could see Tommy with his toy fire truck.
...
And leave Gaz and Price?
...
I will hold you close for the minute
He stepped into the bathroom, a towel covering the mirror. Simon couldn't stand the look of his scarred face.
How could Johnny love him with a face like this?
How could he love a broken and emotionally numb person like Simon?
He remembered the soft hands on his scars, how warm and gentle they were.
Tears shot back into his eyes, running over his cheeks into the sink.
Simon turned on the sink, letting the icy water run over his arms, then filling his hands, and splashing it over his face.
He hiccuped.
Stepping out of his pants, he discarded them onto the growing pile of clothes in the corner of his room.
Falling onto his bed, Simon pulled the covers over himself and tried to get a little bit of sleep before he had to get back up.
Maybe he could distract himself in the gym tomorrow.
for the minute it takes
A few sharp knocks woke him.
“Ghost. Breakfast. I'll pick you up in 5.”
Price.
He must've noticed him skipping meals by ‘oversleeping’.
Ghost never overslept.
Grumbling Simon rose up and picked out the last pair of clean underwear and shirt. His pants from yesterday had to do.
He had to go and wash today.
Just as he pulled on another knock came.
“Ghost. Come on, five minutes are up.”
Simon grabbed his keys, wallet and phone and slipped out the door next to Price.
“Capitan.”
“Lieutenant.”
“Breakfast. I need a coffee.”
Before Ghost could respond, his Captain started walking.
“Put whatever you want on your tablet, we're gonna eat in the office.”
when it all burns down
Nodding they stepped into the mess.
Chatter was heard from every table, the sounds from silverware banging against plates and glasses clinking against the tablets, was deafening.
Ghost regretted only putting on a mouth n nose mask as the front tables noticed who the man with the blonde hair and medical mask is.
Shrinking further into himself he put some bread, egg, cheese and sausage on his plate.
A glass of water and a mug of steaming hot water with a bag of tea and two sugar packets was placed next to it by a hand that didn't belong to him, the same hand added silverware and gently led him out of the loud room.
“This way.”
A calming and rough voice told him. Ghost blindly followed.
‘CPT Price’ The plaque on the room he was led in read.
"Sit, please."
The old, dark wood was familiar. The smell of an expensive aftershave with coffee and cigars was familiar and never failed to calm him.
“Simon, we miss you.
Can you talk to me?”
And the flames devour everything that we are
Clenching his hand around the hot mug, a sniffle escaped Simon.
“It hurts”
Pulling up his nose, tears collected in his eyes, daring to spill over.
Gentle hands pried his own from the mug, the insides red from the heat.
“Oh Simon…”
The same hands found themselves in the back of his hair. Gently scraping along his scalp.
His hands clutched in the back of Price's shirt he let himself cry in the safety of his captain's embrace.
It took time until he was able to let go, Price's hands never having stopped the gentle touch.
i will hold you for the minute
“Do you want to eat something?”
Simon hummed.
“Lets talk then okay?”
Another affirmative hum.
Price sat back in his chair, opposite Simon.
Taking up his coffe mug he started drinking.
“I can never understand how you drink this bean water.” Simon joked.
“And in dont understand how you can drink leaf water.” John joked back.
A weak chuckle from Simon and a huff of amusement from John.
Simon pulled of his mask, his scars didnt pull a single reaction out of Johns face.
They never did.
It was nice.
It was quiet.
It was warm.
It was comfortable.
The eggs tasted as bland as always.
The bread was dry as it always was, even with butter.
The sausage was as bad as it always is.
The cheese was nice though. It always is.
The water was as chalky as it always was.
But the tea was good. The same as always.
Simon had missed the bad breakfasts more that he thought.
He ate it all. Even the burnt part that he usually left out.
“Hungry?”
Price asked.
“Yea.”
Price pushed his plate over.
“Take as much as you like. I had enough.”
Simon dug in.
He even ate the bacon he never liked.
“Thank you.”
“Whats been going on Simon?”
Concern laced his voice.
“Johnny. I miss him”
Simon pulled up his sleeves covering the wounds on his forearms.
“I don't feel there.”
Swiping over the burns and scratches.
“I don't feel like me.
Everything is so dull.”
The tears were back and the runny nose and hiccups.
“He was my color in the world.
I don't…”
He trailed off.
Price was kneeling infront of him, his hands wandering over Simons forearms, his hands soft and full of concern.
His eyes filled with care and knowledge.
“Simon you do know that i would have to pull you out of active duty now right?”
A wet sniffle and blonde hair bouncing weak with a nod.
“But i would also know that that would kill you.”
Another nod and sniffle.
“I'm gonna keep you here. With me. With Gaz. Alejandro and Rudy are gonna come by. You're gonna have a lot of desk and coordination duty before i send you out again.
Were not gonna leave you Simon. We are gonna help you get back on your feet. We are gonna hold you up over water until you can swim again. And even then were gonna hold onto you. We all are not gonna let you sink.”
A sigh not of annoyment or anger but of fondness.
"You're not alone Simon, not anymore."
I will hold you for the minute that it takes.
He pulled up his nose.
Light tears formed in Price's eyes.
“Please let us help you.”
Simon nodded.
“Please. I can't do this anymore.
I don’t want to continue how i was.
I'm afraid i wouldn't hold up much longer."
He was sobbing again, his tears wiped away by one of thouse old fabric tissues.
His forearms were wrapped in a soft bandage. With a marker Price doodled on some small pictures, it tickled.
A smile danced along Simons lips.
“You're like the dad i never had.”
His voice was weak but Price heard it nevertheless.
“I'll be your dad if you want to.
I'll teach you what you need to know and I'll care for you.”
The softness and care in his eyes was something Simon always had dreamed of.
The only person who had that kind of eyes for him was Johnny, a pair of eyes he had never the cance of seeing again.
“Please stay a bit longer with us Simon. As hard as it may be. I don't want to loose another son.”