Archive of Our Own ^beta

Buck’s not going to let Eddie just hide himself away.

He knows Eddie’s in mourning for Christopher, he knows he’s struggling with his actions and everything that happened because of them.

But Buck’s not going to let him drown in his misery and depression. There’s no way he’s going to let him go through this alone, even though Eddie will push back - Buck knows him, and he will push - but he’s going to keep pushing too. He’s not going to let Eddie isolate himself.

So, Operation: Keep Eddie Diaz Busy and Annoyed has started.

And well, maybe it’s a bit of Operation: Keep Buck Busy and Not Thinking About Chris, too, but he’s okay with that. He needs something to focus on that’s not missing Christopher every second of every day. If it’s this hard for him he can’t even begin to imagine what Eddie’s going through.

After Christopher walked out the door with his grandparents on that horrible day he and Eddie had just sat side by side on Eddie’s couch, dazed and lost, the wind completely knocked out of them both. Buck remembers Eddie reaching for his hand and him taking it and squeezing it so hard he’s pretty sure he cut off Eddie’s circulation. The silence of the house was deafening, Buck could feel it ringing in his ears. He couldn’t comprehend it, everything was too quiet and too loud at the same time.

He’s not sure how long they sat there, just holding hands in stunned silence, but he does know that in that moment there was nothing on earth that would’ve made him let go of Eddie’s hand.

“What am I going to do, Buck?” Eddie finally asked, breaking the unbearable silence.

“You’re going to let him have time, and trust that he’ll be okay in Texas. He’s so strong, just like his dad, and the two of you are going to get through this. You keep the door open and he’ll come back through it. That kid loves you so much, nothing’s going to break that.”

“But I did break it.” Eddie’s voice cracked. “I broke us.”

“The two of you are not broken, Eds. There may be a crack now, but it’s not broken.”

“I’m broken.”

Buck didn’t know what to say so he’d pulled Eddie into his arms and held him. Eddie’s fingers dug into his sides as he gripped Buck’s shirt, his breath shuddering and hot on his neck where Eddie had pressed his face.

“I’m sorry, Buck. I’m so sorry.”

“Eddie, don’t–”

“I didn’t just push him away from me, I took him away from you, too. I’m so fucking sorry, I–”

“Stop.”

“But you love him so much, and now he’s gone. He’s gone.”

There’d really been nothing Buck could do, because Eddie was right, he’d lost Christopher as well and it hurt. It fucking hurt. And he could’ve been angry at Eddie for letting everything spiral so out of control, but what good would that have done? Christopher was gone and now they needed to figure out how to navigate and live without him, so he just held Eddie, like he’d held his hand, and hoped that was enough.

So. Yeah.

They both need something else to focus on, and Buck is determined to find it.

The first thing he does though is to give Eddie a reality check once the initial shock of Christopher’s departure subsides a little bit. He comes over one morning to make breakfast before work, and to get Eddie into the shower because he has been smelling ripe the last couple of days and needs to get himself sorted asap. So while Eddie’s in the shower after some shoving and arguing, Buck makes them some eggs, bacon, and toast. He’s just done dousing Eddie’s eggs with Tabasco when Eddie shuffles into the kitchen. He’s still got bags under his eyes but at least he’s shaved and has clean hair, and isn’t dressed in nacho stained cut-off sweats and a ratty old blue t-shirt that Buck knows is his because there’s a big burn hole near the bottom hem from a science experiment with Chris gone horribly wrong.

Eddie drops down into his chair like he weighs a thousand pounds, but he smells like coconut, citrus, and clean clothes, and that’s all Buck can ask for right now.

“Thanks,” Eddie mumbles as Buck sets a plate in front of him.

Buck doesn’t say anything, just sits down with his own plate and starts to eat. Eddie actually devours all of his food and Buck ends up giving him half of his own breakfast. Eddie’s been a real shit about eating the last couple of days and now it’s finally catching up with him.

“So,” Buck says as he watches Eddie finish off what was left on the plate that he’d shoved over to him. “I called Frank’s office this morning, you’re booked in for a session Thursday at ten. I talked to Bobby and he said it’s fine if you take the rest of the day off, and whatever other time you need until we can get a set time for your sessions sorted out.”

“Buck–”

“No. Don’t Buck me. You’re going. You’ve sat on your grief and memories of Shannon for too long without dealing with them. You’ve somehow romanticized your marriage and relationship to the point where you can’t move on. You’re sabotaging all of your relationships because you can’t let the ghost of Shannon go. She’s fucking haunting you. There’s too many feelings and things left unsaid and I know whatever the fuck was going on with Kim was because of that, but this has been going on for far longer than her. I know I’m not the poster child for healthy relationships, but I do fucking know that what you’ve been doing ain’t it either. You’ve got to get your shit in order, Eds. For yourself first and foremost, and for Christopher. And for whoever is out there in your future because you cannot keep doing this - Ana? Marisol? You know they didn’t deserve any of that.”

“I know,” Eddie says as he sets his elbows on the table and drops his head into his hands. “Fuck, I know.”

Eddie’s voice is a choked off sob, and Buck hates that he has to do this. He hates everything about it, but he’s going to damn well be the monster who loves Eddie enough to be brutal.

“Look at me,” he says as Eddie’s head stays down, his fingers tangled in his hair, and his deep breaths rattling through the kitchen. When Eddie shakes his head, Buck reaches out and snatches his wrist in his hand and yanks it. “Look at me.”

Eddie finally does, his eyes red-rimmed and so fucking dark with sadness Buck almost cracks apart.

“You are the best person I know.” Eddie scoffs, but Buck keeps going. “You’re in it deep right now, in the darkest, dankest fucking muck, but that’s not where you live, and it’s not going to be where you live.”

“Everything is just so fucked up right now. I’ve fucked it all up.”

“Yeah, you did.” Buck says succinctly. “And to be honest I’m really pissed at you right now, but I love you, and I know this isn’t you, so we’re just going to take it from here. This morning, right now? New start. You’re gonna see Frank, you’re gonna do the work, and I’m gonna annoy the shit out of you through all of it and you’re gonna like it.”

There’s a tiny glimmer of amusement in Eddie’s eyes and Buck takes it as a win.

“I don’t like whatever this is,” Eddie says as he points at Buck. “This isn’t a flattering look on you.”

Buck rolls his eyes and gets up from the table to start clearing their dishes.

“Pot meet kettle.”

They glare at each other for a few seconds then the corner of Eddie’s mouth twitches and he huffs out a laugh that he tries to turn into a grunt, but Buck’s clocked him.

“Fair.” Eddie finally admits.

Buck rinses off their plates and glasses and leaves everything in the sink for end of shift Eddie to worry about. They’re going to be late for work if they don’t get going anyway, so he hussles Eddie until he’s ready and they can head out to Buck’s jeep. Once they’re inside and buckled in, Buck reaches behind Eddie into the backseat where he has a bakery bag stashed.

“Here, eat this,” he says as he shoves the bag into Eddie’s chest. Eddie scrambles to hold onto it when Buck abruptly lets go.

“What’s this?”

“One of those stupid triple chocolate muffins you like and I hate because you might as well be shoving a piece of chocolate cake into your mouth at eight in the morning.”

He tries not to smile as Eddie dives into the bag like he hadn’t been fed twenty minutes ago.

“That’s not even a muffin,” Buck complains.

“That’s the whole point,” Eddie says, a third of the muffin already in his mouth, crumbs falling all down his shirt.

Buck just opens up his middle console, pulls some napkins from it, and throws them at Eddie.

“Don’t get your stupid muffin all over my jeep. I just cleaned it.”

Eddie starts trying to gather up his crumbs as he mumbles a, ‘sorry,’ around a mouthful of muffin.

At least Buck thinks he’s saying sorry, he can’t really tell, but he turns away from Eddie so he doesn’t see the fond smile on his face. He focuses on backing up out of the driveway and getting them to work.

One thing at a time, Buck thinks.

One thing at a time.

Buck starts out small.

He knows Eddie is going to be exhausted after his first session back with Frank. There’s a lot to unpack, and he hasn’t been in therapy for so long that he needs to get back into the physicality of it, how much of a toll picking apart your brain and your soul takes on you. The last thing Buck wants to do after therapy is think, so he gets Eddie a new fuzzy blanket and a coloring book and some fancy markers he found online.

Bobby lets him leave work to drive Eddie to therapy and to pick him up when he’s done, so Buck drives Eddie home, tucks him into a chair with his blanket, and his coloring book and markers. Eddie frowns at him when he hands over the coloring book, but Buck just puts his hands on his hips and stares at him until he sighs and opens it up.

The next morning when he gets off shift he swings by Eddie’s and pretends not to notice the coloring book and markers laid out on the coffee table, several pages perfectly colored. Of course Eddie sees him looking at them anyway and just mutters, ‘shut up,’ as he stomps off to put away the groceries Buck’s brought with him.

Buck ignores him. He sits down on the floor at the coffee table instead to finish the picture Eddie left half done and leaves Eddie to sulk in the kitchen.

If Eddie scuffs back into the living room when he’s done with the groceries and sits down next to Buck on the floor to start working on the page next to one Buck’s coloring, well, he doesn’t say a thing about it because he’s not smug like that.

He does attach one of Eddie’s pictures to the fridge with his favorite llama magnet though.

The next time Buck’s in the kitchen he finds the one he colored tacked up right next to it.

Since Eddie seemed to like the coloring book, Buck decides to sign them up for a painting class at the community center near Eddie’s house.

Eddie gets into Buck’s jeep one Wednesday evening without question or complaint, which is unusual for him since he tends to ask more questions than Chris and needs to know every detail of what they’re doing, or where they’re going, and complains the whole way if it’s something he doesn’t want to do. He only frowns at Buck when they pull into the parking lot of the community center.

“What are we doing here?”

“Taking a class.”

“What kind of class?”

“A surprise class.”

“Buck.”

“What?”

“This better not be another bird watching thing, those people were mean.”

“You kept talking, Eddie. You were supposed to be quiet and observe.”

“Well, it was boring. And I wanted to talk to you.”

Buck smiles fondly to himself as he gets out of the jeep, Eddie still complaining about, ‘that one Stan guy - you remember, Buck, the shusher.’

“There’s no birds, or shushers, here,” Buck assures him. “Actually, I take that back. There may be shushers if you can’t be quiet. You’re in control of your own shushing destiny today.”

“Yeah, well, if I wanna talk to you I’m gonna talk to you,” Eddie says petulantly.

“Okay, hot shot,” Buck says as he pushes Eddie towards the door.

Despite being very empathic about talking if he wants to, Eddie is quiet when Buck leads him into the assigned classroom and he sees easels and canvases set up around the room.

“Are we painting?” he asks Buck once he’s done signing them in.

“Yeah, is that okay?” Buck asks, he’s a bit uncertain about Eddie’s reaction right now. “I mean I know it’s not the same, but you seemed to like the coloring. I just thought–”

“I’ve always wanted to paint,” Eddie says as he sits down at an easel and reaches out to touch the supplies set out next to it. “I wanted to take an art class in school as my elective, but my dad said I should take the car repair class they offered instead.”

“Oh yeah?”

“I liked drawing when I was little. I made little books. Kinda like comic books, I guess.”

“Really? Superhero stuff?”

Eddie doesn’t answer right away and when Buck looks over he sees there’s a slight pink tint to Eddie’s skin.

“No, not superheroes. More fantasy, I guess. I dunno.” Eddie shrugs. “I was kind of obsessed with, like, elves and dragons and magic stuff. My third grade teacher read The Hobbit to us and I loved it. I couldn’t stop drawing the characters. All I wanted to do was read it over and over and draw my own version of it.”

Buck smiles. “I love that. Little Eddie geeking out over The Hobbit. Has Chris read it too?”

“No, he hasn’t.”

The answer is kind of sharp, Eddie’s voice a bit off.

“Why not?” Buck asks. “I bet he’d love it, you know he’s always been into fantasy novels. He would’ve loved to share that with you.”

“I haven’t read it since the summer after third grade. My dad took my library copy away from me and wouldn’t let me read it anymore. He said I spent too much time in my room and that I should get outside, or help my mom.”

“Eddie.”

Eddie just shrugs. “I never really wanted to read it after that.”

“I think you should read it with Chris when he comes home, it’s time you picked it back up again.”

Buck wants to say, fuck your dad and his bullshit, but he knows Eddie doesn’t want to hear that, so he pushes in another way.

“I don’t know,” Eddie says. “Besides, Chris is too old to be read to now.”

“Read it separately, but together, like your own little book club.”

“Maybe.”

“No maybe, just yes,” Buck says, and then points at Eddie’s canvas. “And paint me some Hobbit-y stuff while you’re at it.”

Eddie makes a face at Buck, but he laughs anyway.

Buck doesn’t want Eddie to dwell on past sadness, he already has enough in his present.

“This is your art class, Eds. Enjoy it.”

Buck looks over and sees Eddie smile to himself, happiness in his face that hasn’t been there in a while, and Buck reaches over and squeezes his shoulder. Eddie looks back at him, his smile turning shy.

“Thanks, Buck,” he says quietly.

“I’m just happy you’re excited, I wasn’t sure you’d be into it.”

Eddie stares at him for long enough that Buck feels like he wants to look away, break the eye-contact.

“You know me though,” Eddie finally says.

Buck wants to say he hasn’t been so sure lately, wants to tell Eddie he hates that he’s kept things from him - important, broken things. He never wants Eddie to keep those pieces from him because all of Eddie is important to Buck, every piece of him something he wants to hoard. Even those sad, broken things. He maybe wants them most of all because once he has all of them he’ll have all of Eddie, and he’s always been selfish and greedy where Eddie is concerned.

Instead, Buck just says, “Of course I do.”

“What’s this now?”

“Pickles.”

“Pickles?”

“Well not yet, obviously,” Buck says as he waves at the pile of cucumbers, peppers, onions, and garlic. “But soon.”

Eddie catches the book Buck tosses at him.

“The Joy of Pickling, Buck? Really?”

“Really, really.” Buck smiles. “We’re gonna do regular pickles, spicy ones, and a bunch of different peppers that you like.”

“Mhm. Okay, Peter Piper.”

“You’re gonna love it.”

“I doubt it very much.”

“Just trust me.”

“You know I do.”

When Buck looks over his shoulder at Eddie he’s paging through the book, stopping on one of the pages Buck’s marked with a post-it.

“Maybe these first?” Eddie asks as he turns the book so Buck can see which recipe he’s talking about.

“See, that’s the spirit.”

“The pickled pepper spirit?”

“Should we have a cheer?” Buck asks.

Eddie snorts and shoves the book at Buck, then starts washing the peppers and cucumbers Buck’s laid out on the counter.

“The house is going to smell disgusting,” Eddie complains.

“I know, it’ll be great.”

“I’m so often disturbed by how your mind works.”

Buck just smiles at him and starts setting out all of the measuring cups and ingredients they’ll need for the first recipe. He knows Eddie’s going to complain for the rest of the afternoon, and Buck’s going to love every single second of it. A complaining Eddie is an occupied Eddie, and that’s all Buck wants right now.

It also doesn’t hurt that Buck’s always found a complaining Eddie an adorable Eddie. He’s definitely not going to delve into why a complaining Eddie, even at his grumpiest, is still pretty much one of the best things in the whole world.

As the day goes on, and their jars pile up, the more Eddie complains, but he doesn’t stop. Even when they run out of the veggies Buck bought. They’ve made pickles, peppers, and onions, but Eddie starts digging through his veggie drawers in the fridge and pulls out random things he decides they should, ‘just try, Buck, you never know,’ and all Buck does is roll his eyes and grin. He’s pretty sure half of what they’re making is going to taste absolutely foul, but he’s definitely going to enjoy handing out jars at the station and forcing Chim to decide whether he’s going to crack a sarcastic joke about it, or try not to hurt Eddie’s feelings and lie through his teeth that he really truly needed, and always wanted to try, some pickled carrots.

Buck cannot wait.

They’ve been pretty busy the last few weeks - Buck’s added guitar lessons, car shows, bike rides, more painting classes because Eddie loved the first one, trips to the farmers market for things to pickle because Chim sucked it up and took Eddie’s pickled carrots with a smile so forced and filled with dismay that it made Buck’s whole fucking day. He’s been encouraging Eddie to make more simply for the joy of torturing Chim, and seeing Eddie so proud of his disgusting pickled creations. It’s a win-win all around.

So, yeah, their days have been pretty packed.

Buck thinks he’s maybe overdoing it - well, no, he’s positive he’s overdoing it, there’s no maybe about it - but that’s how he’s always been. Why half-ass something when you can full-ass something to truly pain in the ass levels? But he’s had the two of them running, plus Eddie’s been going to see Frank regularly, and all of that is going to run Eddie ragged if Buck doesn’t stop and relax for a goddamn minute, so when he sees that one of the parks near his house has a Sunday morning meditation class he thinks that’s exactly what the two of them need to decompress a little bit.

Eddie of course side-eyes the idea of meditation in general, much less in the middle of a public park, but Buck promises to wear the palazzo pants Maddie lived in when she was pregnant with Jee despite the fact they’re a hideous design and come to mid-calf on him because Eddie insists he, ‘look the part, Buck.’ But the joke’s on Eddie because when he has to confess to Maddie why he needs her pants (“My pants, Buck? Seriously?”) she insists they go thrifting and find him a gauzy white tunic to go with it. Buck has never looked more stupid - well, that’s a lie, he’s definitely looked more stupid - but it’s fine, because it makes Eddie laugh when Buck opens the door to him and he sees the outfit in all of its glory.

“I truly hope you’re embarrassed to be seen with me,” Buck says as he grabs his stuff.

“I dunno, I feel like you’re really pulling off Maddie’s pants.”

“Please don’t phrase it that way. It’s weird enough already.”

“What?” Eddie says, all feigned innocence. “I’m saying you look cute.”

“In my sister’s pants.”

“Well, you do.”

“Shut up and let’s go meditate.”

When they get to the park Buck lays out a blanket for them to share, and does his best to ignore Eddie because every time he looks over at him he’s smiling and smug and Buck wants to put his hand over his face and push him away, but at the same time never take his eyes off of him so he can just spend the rest of his life looking at a stupidly amused Eddie.

He will happily look like a complete idiot every single day from now until the end of time if it makes Eddie look exactly the way he does now.

Eddie mumbles and grumbles as the class starts, but about fifteen minutes in, Buck looks over at him and sees the relaxed slope of his shoulders and the deep rise and fall of his chest. He’s more than a bit surprised Eddie’s letting himself relax into it, but he’s happy all the same.

The class is going well, they’re nearing the end of their hour-long session, when Buck looks over at Eddie again and finds him crying. He’s not tensed up, or making a sound, but Buck can tell he’s been crying for a while, and in a profoundly intense way. He’s not sure how he knows it, maybe it’s in the way Eddie’s head is tipped slightly back, or the eerie silence of him, but Buck knows this is a release of some kind and he feels something deep inside of him over the fact that Eddie’s out here in the world, sitting beside him, and letting him see such rawness.

Buck reaches over and wipes at Eddie’s cheek with the back of his index finger. Eddie’s lips part and he takes in a breath, not in shock or surprise, but just a, ‘hey, of course you’re here,’ kind of way as he slowly opens his eyes and looks over at Buck. He uses the fact that Eddie’s fully facing him to wipe the tears from his other cheek. When he does, Eddie’s eyes flutter shut for a second as he tips his head forward, almost like he’s leaning in and chasing Buck’s touch, not wanting it to slip away. There are tears clinging to Eddie’s eyelashes, so Buck leans over and reaches out with both hands to hold Eddie’s face and brush his thumbs over his lashes. Eddie obediently closes his eyes as he does, and wraps his own hands around Buck’s wrists to keep him there for just a fraction of a moment, just enough for him to look at Buck and smile softly as if to say, I’m okay, this is good, before letting him go again.

Buck lets his hands slip from Eddie’s face and tells himself he won’t always feel the tingle of Eddie’s soft skin on his fingertips.

They don’t say anything about it, the class ends, and they drive back to Buck’s place so Eddie can get his truck. Eddie opens the door of the jeep, but before he gets out he turns to look back at Buck.

“This morning was good, thank you,” he says almost too softly to hear. Buck just nods in return and the corner of Eddie’s mouth quirks up in a half-grin when he adds, just as softly, “And I still think you’re really pulling off your sister’s pants,” before slipping out of the jeep and closing the door behind him.

Buck laughs quietly to himself as he watches Eddie walk away towards his truck, but when he drives away sudden tears fill his eyes in a surge of devastating affection for Eddie and this silly, perfect, overwhelming friendship he’s somehow found.

After their emotional morning of meditation Buck takes a week off before he breaks out the next adventure.

At the end of their shift Buck tells Eddie they’re going out dancing.

“I don’t want to go to a club. I hate clubs.”

“It’s not a club.”

“Then where are we going to dance?”

“You’ll see.”

“No, tell me,” Eddie whines, sounding exactly like Christopher.

“I’ll be over at six to help get you ready.”

“Six? Who dances at six o’clock?”

“We do, Eddie. We do,” Buck says over his shoulder as he walks away from Eddie. He’s almost out of the station when Eddie shouts at him again.

“Wait. Why do you have to help me get ready? …Buck? Why? Goddammit. Buck!”

Buck just smiles and keeps walking, leaving Eddie mumbling and complaining behind him.

Eddie’s in the bathroom messing with his hair when Buck gets over to his place and lets himself in. He’s leaning against the doorframe of Eddie’s bedroom when he finally comes out of the bathroom. When Eddie spots him he trips a little and then stops short as he stares.

“What are you wearing?”

“Something from the depths of my closet,” Buck answers as he runs his hands down the front of his shirt and does a little turn. “I’m surprised it still fits. I haven’t worn it since I was twenty-three. I was way skinnier then.”

“It doesn’t fit,” Eddie almost shouts.

He looks disgruntled and Buck laughs at the flush that pinks up Eddie’s cheeks as he stares at Buck like he’s angry.

“It fits.”

“It does not.”

Eddie waves his hand at the buttons on Buck’s shirt like they’ve offended him in some way.

“Those are gonna pop off and take someone’s eye out.”

“It’s fine,” Buck says as he ushers Eddie into his bedroom.

“It is not fine.”

Buck knows Eddie’s probably right, it’s his old denim work shirt from his ranch days, and the buttons honestly are hanging on for dear life. He actually had to put on a sleeveless undershirt because he could only button up the bottom buttons - the top four were a lost cause - and he didn’t exactly want to be that particular type of douchebag, so he decided to throw on the tank. But judging from the way Eddie keeps glaring at his chest like it’s wronged him, he suddenly gets self-conscious.

“It’s not?” he asks as he looks down at himself - his shirt, the belt buckle, jeans, all the way down to his cowboy boots. Maybe he does look ridiculous. He’d even popped his old cowboy hat on and now he’s a walking cliche. “Does it look stupid? I mean I know the shirt’s a little too small, my shoulders and chest are way bigger than I thought, but I put the undershirt on. I thought that helped.”

Buck feels really stupid all of a sudden, but he thought it’d be fun dressing up - especially making Eddie dress up too, because he knows Eddie’s got a cowboy hat tucked away in his closet, along with some boots and a black western yoke shirt. Buck’s put away enough of Eddie’s laundry, and dug around enough in his closet for clothes to wear himself after impromptu sleep overs, to know what’s inside it.

“I should change. I look dumb.”

“No,” Eddie says in that loud voice again. He’s been oddly loud and stilted since Buck’s gotten there. “Don’t change.”

“But you’re right, it doesn’t fit. At all.”

“It fits fine,” Eddie says, his eyes still glued to Buck’s torso.

“That’s not what you said a minute ago.”

Eddie doesn’t answer, he just keeps looking at him.

“Eds?”

“Huh? What?”

“You said my shirt doesn’t fit. I should change, right?”

“It doesn’t fit,” Eddie agrees.

This conversation is going in circles and Buck is one inane exchange away from stomping off and calling quits to the whole evening.

“But it looks good,” Eddie says. “On you. It looks good on you. Like that. With the shirt and all.”

“Yeah?”

Eddie swallows and nods. “Um. Yeah. Definitely yeah.”

Something flutters in Buck’s stomach, but he ignores it to walk over to Eddie’s closet to pull out his outfit.

“Why are you dressing us like extras in a Clint Eastwood movie?” Eddie asks when he sees what clothes Buck is tossing over onto his bed.

“Payback for the palazzo pants,” Buck answers. “Now get dressed.”

Eddie raises an eyebrow and glares at him, but walks over to the bed anyway. Buck pulls one last thing from the top of Eddie’s closet and flips it over to the bed like a frisbee.

“Buck,” Eddie whines. “I just finished doing my hair.”

“Get dressed,” Buck repeats, ignoring Eddie’s complaining he points at the bed, then back at Eddie, before heading out to the living room to wait.

Buck’s sitting on the couch playing on his phone when Eddie walks into the living room. He hears Eddie’s boots on the wood floor and he glances up, he feels his face flush with prickling heat as he tries to swallow past the sudden dryness of his throat.

“Happy now?” Eddie asks grumpily as he stands at the end of the couch with his hands on his hips.

“Uh. Yeah. I am, actually,” Buck says and stands up from the couch as he tries to ignore Eddie’s whole …thing. “Let’s go.”

“We better not be going line dancing, Buck. I hate line dancing.”

“We’re not going line dancing.”

“Then why do we have to dress like this? I look like an idiot.”

“Well then I look like an idiot too, and we’ll look like idiots together.”

They’ve made it outside and Eddie’s standing on the porch watching Buck as he locks the front door. When he’s done he turns to head down the steps, but before he does Eddie tugs on his rolled up sleeve.

“I look like an idiot,” Eddie says, eyes boring into Buck’s. “You look amazing.”

Before Buck can catch his breath and actually respond, Eddie is down the steps and halfway to the Jeep. Buck’s heart is pounding in his chest and he honestly doesn’t want to think about why it feels the same way it did when he first kissed Tommy, those first few months of more kisses and touches and big strong hands guiding him - heady and dizzying and so fucking right.

A compliment from your best friend shouldn’t feel like that, shouldn’t feel like falling.

“I swear to god, Buck, this better not be line dancing,” Eddie’s voice draws Buck’s attention back to reality.

“Jesus. Calm down. I already told you it’s not line dancing.” Buck gets into the jeep and looks over at a highly skeptical Eddie. “It’s better. Trust me.”

“I really feel like I shouldn’t right now.”

Eddie slumps back into his seat and Buck laughs. He’s going to be so irritated when he finds out what it actually is that Buck can hardly wait, he’s nearly giddy in anticipation of Eddie’s disgust.

“Square dancing?”

Eddie’s voice is predictably loud and as annoyed as Buck was hoping it would be when they pull into the parking lot of the senior center and he sees the A-frame sign sitting out front.

“You’re making me square dance? At a senior center?”

“It’ll be fun,” Buck says as he hops out of the jeep. “You like taking orders, this is just taking orders in dance form.”

“Buck.”

“What?”

“Are we even supposed to be here? Don’t you actually have to be a senior citizen to go here?”

“It’ll be fine,” Buck says as he pushes Eddie towards the door.

Eddie is red with embarrassment the entire time Buck is leading him into the building and introducing them to as many people as possible to heighten and prolong Eddie’s embarrassment. He makes sure to let everyone know it’s their first time, but Eddie is super keen about the whole thing, and because Eddie is a polite Catholic boy, all he can do is smile and agree with the bullshit Buck is dishing out.

Buck is having a blast, and the dancing hasn’t even started yet.

Once the dancing does start though he is a little leery of how a bunch of old people will respond to two men dancing together, but no one bats an eye when he starts swinging Eddie around and do-si-do’ing him all over the dance floor.

Buck’s an absolute disaster, he keeps stepping on Eddie’s toes, but he’s enthusiastic and it’s not long before Eddie is laughing to the point of tears as he tries to make up for Buck’s two left feet and complete lack of coordination. He’s doing his best, but Buck’s just laughing and stomping around like an elephant. When they come to the end of the dance all Eddie can do is drop his head onto Buck’s shoulder and laugh into the soft denim of his shirt as he wraps his arms around Buck and twirls them to a chaotic stop.

They can barely breathe from the laughing and when Eddie pulls back to look up at Buck his cowboy hat is all askew and his face is flushed and happy and Buck can’t bring himself to look away.

And they stay that way, just standing in each other’s arms in the middle of the dance floor smiling at one another until two ladies take pity on them and come over to offer their help in the next dance. Personally, Buck thinks they just want to dance with Eddie and push Buck off to the side because they both hover on either side of Eddie with goofy little grins on their faces. He thinks it’s adorable as he and Eddie slowly pull themselves apart and the two of them set themselves right smack in front of Eddie waiting for him to choose. Buck looks at him over the tops of their heads and laughs as Eddie looks back with equal parts amusement and terror.

“You can take turns, he’s free all night,” Buck says helpfully as Eddie throws him a death glare.

The shorter of the two somehow manages to strong-arm herself between Eddie and the other lady, so Eddie takes her hand and moves into place, but not without one last glare in Buck’s direction. He just laughs at the combination of Eddie’s face and the look of chagrin on the lady who’s left to dance with him.

“It’s fine,” Buck says. “I won’t be offended if you find another partner. I can sit this one out.”

The lady looks him up and down and Buck’s pretty sure he’s never been so thoroughly assessed, not even at the clubs in his 1.0 days.

“Oh you’ll more than do, sweetheart,” she says as she grabs his hand and pulls him into place. “I just didn’t want to get my feet trampled.”

“Well, I’ll do my best.” Buck laughs.

Buck honestly can’t remember the last time he had more fun sober than he has getting swung around the dance floor but a bunch of senior citizens. Eddie’s very obviously the belle of the ball, he’s got a constant swarm of eager old ladies lying in wait for him - their husbands abandoned to the sidelines - but Buck’s definitely no slouch himself, especially not once he manages to figure out how not to trip and flail all over the dance floor.

Every time Buck looks at Eddie he’s beaming, just laughing and bemused and confused all at once, and Buck loves seeing it. He also thinks he’ll lose him to the ladies for the rest of the evening, but every other dance Eddie manages to untangle himself from them and make his way back to Buck.

“How are they so handsy?” Eddie huffs as he bumps into Buck and turns them both so Buck is a human shield between Eddie and his fanclub. “It’s square dancing.”

Buck just laughs and lets Eddie swing him around.

“This is what you get for being so handsome and charming,” Buck teases him. “If you just stopped having that face of yours and all your slick dance moves you’d be okay.”

Somehow Eddie’s cheeks get pinker as he ducks his head and looks away.

“Oh yeah, all my hot square dancing moves.”

“Super hot. And sexy,” Buck adds just to annoy him.

“Shut up and dance, Buck.”

“Ohh, bossy. That was sexy too, Eds. No wonder all the ladies are after you.”

“I’m going to drop you off by that one I saw grabbing your ass two dances ago if you don’t stop talking,” Eddie warns.

“Promises, promises. I happened to enjoy getting groped by Helen so please do-si-do me over to her when we’re done.”

Eddie lets out a little disgruntled noise and tugs Buck closer to his side as they promenade and he mumbles something about, ‘people keeping their hands to themselves.’

The dancing is over by nine, but Buck has to wait a few more minutes while Eddie says good-bye to the cluster of little white-haired ladies that are surrounding him. Buck hears him say something about Sunday morning, but he’s not sure what, he just keeps looking over at Eddie and grinning. He’s taken quite a few covert pictures and videos throughout the night that are absolutely going into the 118 group chat. Chim is going to lose his mind.

“You finally ready, Romeo?” Buck asks when Eddie makes his way over to him.

He rolls his eyes at Buck before waving another good-bye to his groupies. Buck laughs and tugs on Eddie’s sleeve to pull him in the direction of the door.

“Don’t let all of your popularity go to your head, it’s not attractive.”

“They were nice.”

“I thought they were handsy.”

“That was only a couple, the rest of them were really sweet.”

Buck bumps Eddie’s shoulder.

“Aww, you’re smitten.”

Eddie looks over at Buck, sees him smiling at him, and says quietly, “Maybe a little.”

Once they’re back in the jeep and buckled in Buck turns to Eddie and asks him if he had a good time.

“I did. A really good time, actually. I just wish I–” Eddie stops, shakes his head. “Never mind.”

“You wish what?”

“Nothing. It’s not a big deal, I had fun.”

“No, what did you wish? You know how nosy I am, I’ll just keep asking you.”

Buck hears Eddie sigh, but he answers him anyway.

“I wish I could have danced with you more.”

Buck feels that pounding heart again. He’s glad he’s just started turning out of the parking lot so he can use that as an excuse for not saying anything right away, it gives him time to take a couple of deep breaths before glancing over at Eddie and smiling softly.

“Maybe next time.”

Buck calls Eddie Sunday morning and tells him to be ready in forty-five minutes because he’s on his way and he wants to eat breakfast at their favorite diner. They haven’t been there since Chris left and Buck’s been craving their waffles.

“I can’t be ready in forty-five, make it an hour and a half,” Eddie says. “I’ll meet you there.”

“Why does it sound like you’re talking to me in a tunnel?”

“Because I’m talking to you in a tunnel.”

“Where are you?”

“Just out and about.”

“Out and about?”

“Stop interrogating me and just meet me at nine-thirty.”

“No way,” Buck says. “I need to know where you are.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Yes, I do.”

“You don’t need to know everything about me. There’s gotta be some mystery in our relationship or we’ll get bored.”

“Whatever. I know everything about you.”

“You don’t know where I am.”

“But you’re gonna tell me, and then I will.”

“Oh my god, Buck. Find a hobby.”

“That’s what I’ve been doing,” Buck says. “You’re my hobby.”

“Buck.”

“Eddie. Tell me where you are. Come on. Tell me tell me tell me.”

“Ugh, fine. I’m at water aerobics. Happy now?”

“Very happy, actually.” Buck can hardly keep the glee out of his voice. “Water aerobics?”

“Yes. Water aerobics.”

“Where are you doing water aerobics, Eddie?”

“At the middle school by my house.”

“So,” Buck draws out. “One day you just got up and thought, hey, how about some water aerobics?”

“Buck, stop saying water aerobics.”

“Who are you water aerobicing with? Or are you water aerobicing by yourself? I’m not sure which answer I want more.”

Eddie mumbles something that Buck can’t hear.

“What was that, Eddie? You’re breaking up in your water aerobics tunnel.”

“I said I’m here with a few of the ladies from square dancing.”

“Oh my god,” Buck laughs, loud and noisy into the phone and he can hear Eddie make an annoyed grunt at the sound. “That’s exactly the answer I wanted.”

“Laugh all you want, they’re nice ladies and I’m looking forward to all the water aerobics fun.”

“So am I,” Buck says happily.

“What?”

“I’m on my way.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Oh yes, I am. I was already halfway to your house when I called you so now I’m basically in the parking lot of the school.”

“But you said to be ready in forty-five minutes, why would you say that if you were practically already at my house?”

“I was being polite. I could’ve just let myself in and rolled you out of your bed, giving you the illusion of having forty-five minutes was my compromise.”

“Well, aren't you a hero.”

“I’m getting out of the jeep right now.”

“Buck. Stay in the jeep.”

“Locking the doors.”

“I hate you.”

“I love you, and I’m here for encouragement and support.”

“Oh, fuck right off,” Eddie blurts into the phone before hanging up.

Buck almost skips into the building. There’s a guy at a table monitoring the door and Buck asks if it’s possible to wait for his friend inside on the bleachers, he’s keeping all of his fingers and toes crossed that school security is more lax on the weekends during the summer. The guy just shrugs and waves him through to the pool door.

Eddie’s already in the pool when Buck opens the door. There are bleachers to the right of the pool and he heads straight for them, the smile nearly bursting off of his face. He’s almost jumping out of his skin, and when he gets closer to the end of the pool where the class is being held, he can barely contain himself.

Eddie is in the middle of about fifteen elderly women and it’s the best thing Buck’s ever seen in his life. It gets even better when Eddie notices him sitting on the third row bench and scowls in his direction. Buck just waves and gives him a double thumbs up as he smiles brightly. He’s pretty sure he can see Eddie blush clear across the pool and he feels slightly giddy over it all.

He’s so goddamn adorable.

And his flock of admirers obviously think so too because they’re paying more attention to Eddie than to the instructor, especially the ones standing behind him and giggling every time he stretches a particular way and his back muscles ripple. Buck can barely stand it because Eddie is so perfectly, sweetly oblivious. He’s focused on the instructor, one hundred percent committed, while the rest of the class titters around him. Every once in a while he’ll look behind him when one of them giggles too loudly, and he just smiles at them, completely clueless as to what they’re giggling about.

Buck honestly wishes he had a dollar for every time someone flirted with, or flat out ogled, Eddie as he just went about his day completely unaware.

He would have a lot of dollars.

Sometimes it makes him laugh, but most of the time he just finds it painfully sweet that someone as hot as Eddie has no clue how hot people find him.

Buck meets Eddie by the pool when the class is finished. He’s got Eddie’s towel in his hand. He knew exactly which one it was sitting on the first row of the bleachers all perfectly folded. He helped Eddie pick out the towels, after all. Well, to be more accurate, he forced Eddie into a trip to Target to get them, then pointed at which ones he should put in his cart, because he was tired of the mismatched collection of threadbare towels that had been living in the Diaz’s bathroom cupboard. He still can’t believe he had to convince Eddie that a thirty year old man with a child should have adult towels and not a collection of random beach towels mixed with actual towels. Chris drying off with a Captain America beach towel was one thing, Eddie using a Spiderman one was another.

Eddie frowns at him when he sees him standing there with open arms, the towel spread between them ready to be wrapped around him like they used to do with Chris when he was still little and they took him to the beach. They’d both attack him from either side with sun-warmed towels, wrapping him up in them, and in their arms, as he laughed and smiled and dripped ocean water all over them. Eddie has his grump face on, but he still lets Buck wrap him up in the towel, lets him scrub up and down his arms, his hair, and give him a big goofy towel hug at the end of it.

“You did so well in your class, I’m so proud of you,” Buck says, unable to keep the grin off of his face. “I’m going to take you out for ice cream.”

“Shut up,” Eddie says as he gives Buck a good shove. “I’m gonna change and then you’re taking me out for breakfast like you promised. You’re paying.”

“I never said I’d pay.”

“You owe me.”

“For what?”

“Pain and suffering. I had to watch you sit on those bleachers for an entire hour knowing you were spending the whole time plotting ways to make fun of me for eternity.”

“Not for eternity,” Buck says. “I’m pretty sure I’ll get bored of it after a while.”

“Whatever. Go wait for me in the jeep.”

Buck just grins and reaches out to ruffle Eddie’s wet hair. He scowls again and ducks out of Buck’s reach and heads over to the locker rooms.

Eddie takes forever to come out of the building, and when he does he’s surrounded by a group of five ladies. He’s carrying all of their bags and Buck can’t stand it, he gets out of the jeep to help Eddie, and when he does he kind of wishes he hadn’t.

“Your fella is as sweet as you, Eddie.”

Buck feels his heart flutter-skip and he just stands there like a lump, a bag in each of his hands. Eddie just pushes him along and Buck mumbles his thanks. They slowly get each of the ladies and their bags to their cars. There’s lots of promises to see them both again at square dancing, and Eddie again at water aerobics, and maybe their next bridge tournament. If Buck’s not careful he’ll never see Eddie again, stolen by fast-talking senior citizens with big, fat crushes.

When they finally get back to Buck’s jeep and buckle themselves in, Buck looks over at Eddie with a raised eyebrow.

“What?” Eddie asks.

“Your fella?”

Eddie just shrugs.

“It’s nothing. It’s easier than correcting them every time.”

“Every time? It’s happened multiple times?”

“You took me square dancing, Buck. It was an easy assumption to make.”

Buck huffs.

“What’s your problem now?” Eddie asks.

“I’m gonna have to be nice to you,” Buck complains.

“I know it’ll be tough, but just try.”

“I’m just saying, if I’m your fella I’ve got to treat you right or I’ll have a squad of mean girls on my ass.”

“Well shut up and take me to breakfast then.”

Buck laughs and looks over to see Eddie smiling, bright and happy, and thinks about how it won’t be very hard being his fella.

Buck lets himself into Eddie’s house with his key. He likes to be sure to be there waiting for Eddie to get home from his appointments with Frank. He makes something for Eddie to eat, makes sure there’s a nest of blankets waiting on the couch, and something mindless and calming queued up on the tv to watch.

Today though, he’s worried. Eddie’s truck is still in the driveway and the house is quiet and still, sort of closed up and stale. Buck calls out for Eddie but he doesn’t answer. He wanders down the hall to find the door to Eddie’s bedroom shut. He gently knocks on it as he slowly pushes it open.

“Eddie?” he says quietly.

The room is dark, the curtains and blinds pulled shut, and Eddie’s curled up on his bed, his back to the door. Buck walks around to the other side of the bed so he can see Eddie’s face.

“Eds?”

“Not today, Buck.”

Eddie’s voice is low, scratchy, like he hasn’t used it in a while, and Buck’s sure he hasn’t. They’ve been off for a couple of days and Buck has spent the time with Tommy instead of Eddie. He’d felt bad for being a shitty boyfriend ever since Chris left. He’s been so focused on Eddie that he’s neglected Tommy. The worst thing about it is that Tommy’s been so good about it all, he always says, no problem, be with Eddie, whenever Buck cancels plans or says no to date requests. He’s been so kind and understanding, has consistently put himself second behind Eddie that Buck felt like it was time to put him first. He’d called Tommy, asked him to dinner, spent the night at his place and just reconnected. It felt a little bit like they hadn’t seen each other in months, everything before Chris leaving feels like another time. Chris has been gone for almost two months and it’s like a year has gone by for both him and Eddie, both of them longing for Chris and missing him.

So all of that means he hasn’t been around Eddie in a couple of days, or called him, and he’s pretty sure Eddie hasn’t talked to a soul the entire time they’ve been apart.

Eddie sounds so tired, so defeated, and Buck knows a Dark Day when he sees one, so he grabs the blanket out of Eddie’s closet that he uses to throw over the curtain rod to really black out the room. He goes out to the hallway to turn down the temperature on the thermostat because he knows Eddie likes it when his bedroom is like an icebox, and then heads to the fridge to grab him a bottle of water. He doesn’t take anything to eat because he knows Eddie won’t eat it right now, he just has to be patient and he’ll be able to coax him into eating something later on.

When he gets back in the bedroom he turns on the fan that’s on top of Eddie’s dresser, the white noise of it does wonders to soothe Eddie’s rattled mind. He finds a pair of sweats to change into and tosses his jeans onto the chair in the corner. It’s stacked pretty high with Eddie’s abandoned clothes and Buck makes a note to throw in a load of laundry later on.

He gets Eddie to take a drink of water before he sets it down on the nightstand and crawls under the mound of covers on the bed. Even though he can’t really see Eddie in the dark of the room, he lays on his side so he’s facing him.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie whispers.

“It’s okay,” Buck says as he softly runs his finger over the center of Eddie’s forehead and down the slope of his nose. For some reason Eddie loves the repetitive, soothing motion of it.

“I’m just so tired.”

“I know.” Buck keeps up the gentle stroking. “We’ll just be sad today.”

Eddie doesn’t say anything, he just lightly pushes Buck’s hand away so he can lean forward and tuck himself up under Buck’s chin, his face pressed into Buck’s chest. It’s such a familiar gesture, he did it whenever Buck would crawl into bed with him on those bad days right after Eddie took a baseball bat to his bedroom. He’d just tuck himself into Buck, and Buck would rest his chin on the top of Eddie’s head until he felt like he could get out of bed again. He doesn’t want to say he misses those days, because he doesn’t miss Eddie feeling that way, but he does miss the closeness, the feel of Eddie’s breath warm against his chest, and the strands of Eddie’s hair soft against his chin.

“We’ll be sad today, okay?” he repeats.

Eddie nods and whispers, ‘okay,’ into Buck’s chest.

Buck waits until Eddie’s shuddering breaths even out before letting himself drift off.

Buck knows he’s been going overboard with everything he’s been throwing at Eddie, their day in bed proved it. He decides to take a step back for a couple of weeks. They just hang out watching movies, ordering bad take-out, and it’s a good way to recharge. He can admit to himself that he’s tired and sad too. He needed that day tucked away in the dark of Eddie’s bedroom just as much as Eddie did.

Things are almost normal. As normal as they can be without Chris. Buck knows he’ll be home soon though, he can feel it.

Chris has been talking to Eddie more over Facetime, has started to text him the same silly gifs and memes he’s been texting Buck all along. They’re so close now to him coming back. When Buck’s at the house during one of their talks he always goes somewhere else to give them privacy, but he still overhears certain parts as Eddie has a tendency to wander when he’s on Facetime. Their voices drift in and out of Buck’s hearing as they talk, and more and more lately, they’ve sounded so wonderfully familiar, their cadence back, the rhythm of their speech and their teasing rings in Buck’s ears and he can’t help but smile. He hears laughter and he aches with impatience because he just wants to press his face into Eddie’s screen and tell Chris–

Come home. Just come home. You know you belong here, with us.

But he manages to keep himself in check and let the two of them work things through.

Eddie’s always known Chris has kept in contact with Buck while he’s been gone. At first Buck was worried Eddie would be mad, but instead he asked him why he’d ever be mad? Why would Buck ever think Eddie would want him to lose Chris too?

He loves you. You’re not the one he’s mad at. I’ve already caused him so much pain, why would I want to cause him more by taking you away from him? He needs you, Buck.

So all summer long Buck’s been their go-between. Each one pretending like they don’t know exactly what he’s doing, that’s he’s feeding them both information about the other, keeping them both connected through him.

Buck’s never going to let either one of them go, and they both know that.

And now Chris is on the cusp of coming home just as Buck’s world is starting to shatter around him.

They have a 24/72 in the middle of the week and Buck decides they need to use the 72 off to get out of LA, so on their way out of the station in the early hours of a Tuesday morning Buck tells Eddie to go home, shower, and pack a bag. When Eddie opens his mouth to ask what to pack, Buck hands him a list and tells him to be ready by nine.

Buck pulls up to Eddie’s place at exactly nine to find him sitting on his front steps, sunglasses on and his duffel sitting on the ground between his feet. He doesn’t even cut the engine on the jeep because Eddie is on his feet and heading over to him as soon as he pulls into the driveway.

They swing by a Dunkin before they hit the heavy traffic for a couple of donuts and some coffee and then they’re off. Buck hands over his phone and lets Eddie decide on the Spotify playlist as he eats his donut and keeps his eyes on the road. When Buck’s 80s playlist starts coming through the speakers he looks over at Eddie to find him grinning to himself like he’s really pulled something.

“Joke’s on you, pal. I love this playlist.”

“I know you do.”

Eddie had pushed his sunglasses up onto his head when they got their coffee because the steam was fogging them up so when Buck glances over at him he can see him looking back, eyes all soft and sleepy, and for one wild minute Buck almost reaches over to cup Eddie’s cheek. He’s so beautiful right now that it hurts just the littlest bit to look at him, so Buck gives him a quick smile and focuses back on the road.

They drive for a while with only the sound of Buck’s playlist in the background, but just as they’re getting out of the worst of the LA traffic, Eddie’s voice breaks through the music.

“Is Tommy okay with you heading out for a few days?”

“Why wouldn’t he be?” Buck asks.

“I dunno,” Eddie shrugs and seems to find whatever’s outside his window extremely compelling because he’s definitely not looking at Buck. “You’ve just been spending a lot of time with me this summer.” He pauses for a bit, then amends his statement. “I’ve been taking up a lot of your time.”

Like it’s a bad thing. Like it’s an obligation or a chore to spend time with Eddie.

Buck doesn’t quite know how to say that Eddie’s the person he always wants to spend time with, that if given a chance between Eddie and nearly anyone else in the world, he’d always pick Eddie. The only other people he can say that about are Chris, and Maddie and Jee.

He’s not sure how to say all of that without sounding too needy, or revealing too much, because that’s the other thing he doesn’t quite know how to say. He doesn’t know how to tell Eddie that he broke up with Tommy a couple of days after Eddie had his dark day because he realized in a stunning moment of clarity, and feeling like the world’s biggest goddamn idiot, that it’s been Eddie all along.

It’s Eddie’s attention he was so desperately trying to grab.

It’s Eddie that’s handed over his heart and given Buck everything he’s ever wanted - a family, a home, a beautiful life.

It’s Eddie’s lips he wants to kiss.

It’s Eddie.

Eddie. Eddie. Eddie.

Tommy had been holding his hand while they sat on his couch and watched a documentary on Netflix when Buck realized he was holding the wrong hand, on the wrong couch, watching the documentary with the wrong person. He’d squeezed Tommy’s hand so tightly in that moment in an effort to try to not to let go of it because Tommy was safe and he was in the bright, searing beginnings of panic. Tommy had turned to him and asked him what was wrong, and all Buck could say was–

“I’m meant to be watching this with Eddie.”

Tommy had been quiet for a moment or two and Buck panicked even more in the silence and kept blurting.

“I promised him we’d watch it. Before Chris left we were all deciding on what to watch one night, and Eddie saw this one and said we should watch it, but Chris didn’t want to so we saved it to our queue, but now I’m watching it here with you when I promised. I promised–”

“Ah,” Tommy said, voice low and knowing. “There it is.”

“There what is?”

Just the corner of Tommy’s mouth turned up in one of those half-grins of his that Buck really kinda loved, and he reached over with his free hand to tip Buck’s chin up with his fingers like he did that night in Buck’s loft when he kissed him and opened up his whole entire world.

“There Eddie is,” he answered.

And Buck had started to cry.

He didn’t mean to, but there was such a goddamn rush of everything running through him all at once - just relief, and realization, and love, so much fucking, thrilling love Buck could hardly stand it. He truly felt crazy in that moment because it was just a documentary, some stupid random documentary on some insane Mormon cult that Eddie wanted to watch because cults fascinate him to the point where Chris and Buck tease him that he’ll actually end up in one someday, that made him figure out his forever lonely, always searching heart.

It was Eddie’s.

It was Eddie’s heart.

And Buck had long ago, and happily, handed it over to him, and Eddie had kept it safe ever since.

“I’m so sorry,” he’d said as he tried to wipe the tears off of his cheeks, and stop new ones from taking their place.

Tommy squeezed his hand back and said, “I’m not going to pretend like I’m not disappointed I was right. I’d been hoping I was looking too much into it, but here we are.”

“Here we are,” Buck repeated as he looked down at their joined hands, the ones he thought he’d be holding onto for a whole lot longer than he had.

But it was Eddie.

And now he’s here beside him, driving toward three days of just the two of them together, and he has to be normal and figure out how to tell him that he and Tommy broke up without saying why.

“You’ve been taking up exactly the right amount of my time,” Buck says.

Eddie makes a noise and says under his breath, “I doubt Tommy thinks so.”

“Eddie, it’s fine.”

“It’s not though.” Eddie stops looking out his side window, but he still won’t look at Buck, his eyes focused straight ahead. “I’m taking up all of your time, consuming all of your time, and you’re in a brand new relationship. You should be spending time with Tommy, not babysitting me - because I know that’s what you’re doing.”

“I’m not babysitting you, we’re hanging out.”

“Because I blew up my life, and my kid’s, and now I’m blowing up yours but you’re just too stubborn to admit it.”

“Look at me,” Buck says, but Eddie stays staring forward. “Eddie.”

Eddie finally glances over at him.

“What?”

“I’m exactly where I want to be.”

“Why?” Eddie’s voice is so broken it makes Buck ache. “Why do you want anything to do with me right now after what I’ve done? I’ve ruined everything, just like I always do. I ruin things. Everything that’s ever been good in my life I’ve ruined, and I can’t stand–” Eddie stops for a second and rubs his hands tiredly over his face. “I can’t stand the thought of ruining you too.”

Buck sees a grocery store up ahead to the right and he pulls in so he can stop the jeep and focus on Eddie.

“You haven’t ruined anything.”

“I have. I’ve ruined my relationship with Christopher, with Marisol, everything with Kim, and now I’m well on my way to ruining things with you and I can’t take that. I can’t lose you, Buck. You’re the only thing that’s ever held me together.”

“Okay, stop,” Buck says as he reaches out and grabs Eddie’s wrist. “You haven’t ruined things with Chris. You two have been talking more lately than you have all summer. He’s coming home, Eddie.”

“He’s never going to trust me again.”

“He will, it’ll just take time, and you need to give him that time. He’s going to come back to you, and the two of you are going to figure it out because what you have is too fucking strong to break. You are not the father either of us had, Eddie. You’re so much better, the best, actually, and this all sucks right now, but it’s not always going to and you have to know that, deep down.”

“I’m scared, Buck.”

“I know you are, I am too. I hate that he’s gone, and I’m so scared I’m not enough for you, that I won’t be able to help you no matter what I do.”

Eddie looks over at him, his eyes so bright and laser focused on him that it makes him flinch back a bit.

“You are more than enough. You’re everything, Buck. Don’t you know that? You’re our entire world, our foundation, Christopher and I would be lost without you. You’re a goddamn whirlwind that just blew into our lives and swirled everything into this perfect, amazing chaos at the same time you made everything peaceful and good. Settled. I don’t know how you did it, but that’s just you, Buck. You’re something else entirely.”

“Yeah, well.” Buck can feel his face heating up, prickles running all through his body. “That’s usually said in exasperation.”

“Because they don’t know how to appreciate the chaos,” Eddie says. “Or how to settle into the peace and comfort. There’s some kind of magic in you, and Chris and I know that.”

“I think it might only have been meant for the two of you.”

It’s all too revealing, but Buck had to say it anyway, because aside from Maddie no one else has ever known him like his boys.

“Don’t let me ruin you,” Eddie whispers.

“That’d be impossible. There’s nothing, nothing, you could ever do to make me leave. I’m here to help hide the bodies, Eds. You know that.”

That pulls a quiet laugh out of Eddie, a true laugh, and then he smiles at Buck and his heart just collapses in on itself.

How he hadn’t known Eddie was the meaning of love until just recently, he’ll never be able to figure out. He’s been so damn blind.

“I’m right where I want to be, okay?”

“Okay.”

Buck gives Eddie’s knee a quick squeeze then puts the jeep back into drive to pull out of the parking lot and get them back on their way.

This is going to be a long three days if this is how it’s starting. Buck’s already said too much, he’s never been able to keep anything secret, he’s not going to get through the trip without letting something slip.

He’s just going to have to hope for the best.

Buck drives them to a cabin he booked last minute, on a whim. It’s old, with furnishings from the sixties, but it’s clean, and it’s isolated. It has its own dock and the lake looks serene and peaceful.

He decided when he booked the place that he was going to make Eddie fish with him. He’d fished a lot in Montana and found it calming, and a way to quiet his always buzzing mind. He also found out that you can indeed rent fishing equipment, so here they are.

Eddie teases him about the green formica countertops in the small kitchen, and the worn brown plaid couch, but Buck sees him smile to himself when he sets his duffel on the old wrought iron bed in the corner, and the tension leaves his shoulders.

“Supposedly the couch pulls out, I can take it,” Buck says, even though he’s not so sure about the state of it. The couch dips in the middle and he’s pretty sure the bed inside is merely an idea of a mattress on a springy old frame instead of an actual, comfortable mattress.

Eddie makes a noise as he looks over at the couch.

“We can share. We’ve shared before.”

“Whatever, we’ll figure it out later.”

“It’s figured out now,” Eddie says as he grabs Buck’s bag out of his hands and plops it down on the bed next to his own. “You’re sleeping here.”

Buck’s pretty sure he’s not going to make it through two nights of this.

He spends a few minutes bringing in the cooler of food he brought with, and the fishing poles he had stashed in the back of the jeep. Eddie’s walked down to the end of the dock and he’s just standing there looking out onto the water. Buck wants to walk up behind him and wrap his arms around him, hold him against his beating heart so Eddie could feel the way it beats for him. For him and Christopher. Instead, Buck just walks down to stand next to him.

“It’s really beautiful, Buck.”

“Despite the cabin from a time warp?”

Eddie laughs quietly.

“I think I might be a little fond of our time warp cabin.”

“Good, cos we’re here until Friday so you’re stuck.”

Eddie turns to look at Buck, his gaze intense enough to make Buck shift a bit on his feet, suddenly prickly hot.

“As long as I’m stuck with you,” Eddie says softly before turning around to head back to the cabin.

Buck has to take a few minutes before following.

~

Eddie gets a bonfire started while Buck gathers up what they need for dinner, he’d just figured on some hot dogs and ears of corn for their first night there, nothing fancy, but he made sure to get stuff for s’mores too. He knows it might make Eddie a bit melancholy, but Buck wants to bring Chris with them in some way. When Buck pulls out the marshmallows after they’ve finished eating Eddie’s eyes go soft and a little sad, but he smiles at Buck as he reaches out for the bag.

It’s a good night.

He wakes up to a good morning as well. He can tell it’s early when he opens his eyes, Eddie’s still snoring lightly beside him, but his hand is resting on Buck’s chest, over his heart. It’s heavy and warm and Buck doesn’t want to move. They’re in this perfect, quiet bubble right now, just the two of them, and he wants to hold onto it for the little time he has.

He lays in bed and stares up at the ceiling until he feels Eddie start to wake up. His hand twitches on Buck’s chest before squeezing into a fist then stretching out as Eddie wakes up fully and starts to stretch his whole body. Buck loves watching Eddie wake up, he always makes such a production out of it, always stretches with his full body and yawns loudly, shakes himself awake like a big, goofy dog.

“Is the morning show over?” Buck asks.

“Shut up.”

Buck just grins and slips out of bed to take a pee and make some breakfast for them. He plans on making Eddie fish today so he quickly fries up some bacon and scrambles some eggs so they can get going. Eddie grumbles a bit about the early hour as he eats his breakfast all sleep rumpled and groggy, but he gets dressed and seems just the littlest bit excited about it when they get settled at the end of the dock.

Buck’s dragged the two old deck chairs that were sitting on the front porch of the cabin down to the end of the dock so they can sit and relax as they fish. When Eddie joins him he feels something plonk down on his head. He looks up to find Eddie grinning at him.

“Don’t want you to burn,” he says as he taps Buck’s nose with his finger. “You burn worse than Chris.”

“What is this?” Buck asks as he grabs the hat off his head to look at it. It’s an old, floppy fishing hat complete with lures and everything.

“Found it in the closet.”

“Oh god, something probably died in it.”

“Just wear it,” Eddie says as he grabs it out of Buck’s hands and plops it back on his head. He settles down in his chair and looks over at him. “Besides, it’s cute.”

Buck snorts, but he can feel his face heating up - and not from the sun.

“I’m cute in everything.”

Eddie’s busy picking up his fishing rod and examining it, but he says quietly, “Yeah, you are.”

Buck wants to grab the front of his t-shirt and pull him in for a kiss.

God. This being in love with Eddie Diaz bullshit is going to be a real problem.

He tries to focus instead on showing Eddie how to use his fishing rod, how to cast off and reel a fish back in. They’re perfectly paired for casting off side-by-side since Eddie’s left-handed and Buck right-handed they won’t get in each other’s way. Eddie practices a few times and is doing okay but after his fifth cast he stands up and turns to Buck.

“Show me?” he asks. “I’m not sending my lure out as far as yours.”

“Your timing is just a little off, you’ll get it.”

“Show me anyway.”

Buck stands up and shows Eddie again how to cast off, but he just frowns and reaches out for Buck’s wrist to pull him closer to his side.

“Show me like this,” he says as he lets go of Buck’s wrist and stands in front of him. “Guide my hand, I can’t get the release point right.”

Eddie’s standing with his back to Buck’s chest and Buck just stands there for a second or two like an idiot until his brain starts to function again and he moves to set his fishing rod down.

“Hold on, let me just–”

Buck maneuvers himself away just enough to make sure his rod doesn’t fall into the lake and then he steps back behind Eddie and flails around a bit until Eddie twists around to look at him. He shoves his hand and fishing rod back towards Buck.

“Grab my wrist.”

“I’m not left-handed, I’m not gonna be very helpful here.”

“Just try,” Eddie huffs.

So Buck presses closer, wraps his right arm around Eddie’s waist and lets his left hand slide down Eddie’s forearm until he can take Eddie’s hand in his, their fingers curling together around the base of the fishing rod. Buck feels Eddie still a bit in his arms before he relaxes back into Buck’s chest.

“Guide me,” Eddie says, his face still turned back towards Buck and his mouth way too close to him.

Buck flattens his hand against Eddie’s stomach, pulls him just a little closer so he can reach the fishing rod with his right hand too.

“Remember to let your line out a little,” he says, his mouth close to Eddie’s ear as Eddie dutifully lets the line out. “Okay, good, now hook your index finger over the line to hold it against the rod, then it’s just drawing it back over to our two o’clock if someone were looking at us from the side, and releasing at our ten o’clock.”

Eddie doesn’t say anything, just nods, his hair brushing against Buck’s cheek.

“Ready, pull back,” Buck whispers as he lets go with his right hand and keeps his left over the top of Eddie’s hand as they draw the rod back over their heads and then forward. “Now release.”

The line goes flying straight out, a good distance from the dock.

“Perfect,” Buck says. “Now you do it.”

“Don’t let go yet,” Eddie says, his voice low.

“I won’t. I promise.”

Buck keeps his hands on Eddie’s hips as he whispers the steps to him and Eddie follows through. He ends up doing it perfectly fine on his own.

“There. Easy, yeah?”

Eddie doesn’t say anything right away and Buck keeps his hands on Eddie’s hips waiting for his voice to cut into the moment, to make him able to let go of him. Finally Eddie nods.

“Yea–” Eddie clears his throat. “Yeah. I think I’m good now.”

Buck’s fingers can finally let go, but his fingertips tingle with the lingering warmth of Eddie.

“Good. Good.” Buck moves away and picks up his rod. “Because if you don’t catch a fish you’ll go hungry tonight. I didn’t bring any more food.”

“Liar.” Eddie chuckles softly.

“I’m not. No fish, no eat.”

Buck watches as Eddie casts off perfectly and sits back down in his chair.

“Is this going to turn into a Lord of the Flies situation?”

“You ate twenty minutes ago and you’re already threatening cannibalism?”

“You know how grumpy I get when I’m hungry.”

Buck just rolls his eyes and waves his hand at Eddie.

“Just fish.”

Eddie’s stupid grin is stupidly adorable and Buck wants to shove him in the lake.

~

They spend the morning fishing, they even catch some - Buck catches two, and Eddie one. Buck will never forget how excited Eddie got when he felt the tug on his line and reeled in an actual fish. He was beaming and looked so much like Christopher that Buck’s heart nearly gave out on him. He was pure joy for one beautiful moment and it was all Buck could do not to say, I love you out loud.

In the afternoon, after Buck made them sandwiches for lunch and Eddie grinned knowingly at him, they went swimming for a while to cool off from the heat of the day. When the evening rolls around they’re sitting by the bonfire relaxed and sun-tired and Buck thinks maybe it’s okay to start being nosy about Eddie’s therapy. If he can ask in the warm quiet of the night maybe it’ll be easier for Eddie to talk.

“How’s therapy going?”

Eddie smiles softly to himself and laughs a little.

“That great, huh?”

“No, I wasn’t laughing about that.” Eddie stops and looks over at Buck, elbow on the arm of his chair, chin in his hand, and his face so fond Buck can barely stand it. “You. It’s you.”

“Me? I’m making you laugh?”

“Just the way you think you so casually dropped that into our conversation, and how proud I am of you that it’s taken you this long to actually ask it. I know you’ve been dying to know all summer long.”

Buck has to laugh a little bit at that too because he’s right, he’s been going crazy not asking Eddie to tell him everything.

“Yeah, well, you caught me.”

Eddie keeps looking at him and smiling softly. He looks so beautiful in the firelight and Buck can’t stop looking at him. And he wants to keep looking at him for the rest of his life, even if it’s only ever going to be as friends, he’s going to keep looking and storing every single detail of Eddie in his heart.

“It’s been going good, I think,” Eddie finally says. “I’ve figured out a lot of things, but I’m still terrified of what my relationship with Chris is going to be like. I want him to trust me again and I’m scared he never will, at least not like he used to. I think those days are long gone, I think I’ve lost them.”

“I don’t.”

“You believe in me way too much. You have too much faith in me.”

“I know what I’m doing.”

“You say that with such conviction. How do you do that?”

“Because I know you.”

“You didn’t know about Kim until she showed up at the station.”

“I may not know all the details, but I know the core of you and that’s all I need,” Buck says. “Besides, I eventually wheedle all the details out of you anyway.”

Eddie ducks his head and smiles.

“Yeah, you do.”

“I’m a wheedler, Eddie. You know this.”

I love you, that’s why. I want every single goddamn piece of you. I want to hoard you.

“Tell me about the stuff you figured out,” Buck continues.

“I don’t know, I just feel like I can finally put Shannon in the past. I think I was holding onto her because I didn’t want to move forward, because I was scared of what I wanted. Being mad at her, blaming her for feeling broken and unable to get to what I wanted, was just an excuse I clung to stay safe, to not have to reach out towards that fear. Deep down I’ve known what I want for years, this bright, beautiful thing that terrifies me and makes me happier than I’ve ever been at the same time. That fear and happiness was the worst combination for me. The fear’s self-explanatory, but the happiness, god, I’ve always been afraid of being happy.”

“Me too. It’s so goddamn scary because it can be taken away from you so quickly.”

Eddie looks at him in a way that churns something up inside of him.

“In a flash,” he whispers, voice cracking.

“Yeah, exactly.”

Buck manages to get out the words, he feels like he’s agreeing to something much bigger and he doesn’t know what way to go.

“And for so long,” Eddie says. “I thought I couldn’t have that happiness, but recently something happened and I thought– maybe. Maybe if I just say something, but I didn’t, I let the chance slip through my fingers and I can’t say I lost it, because I never had it, but it was gone again. And then there was Kim, my excuse come back from the dead.”

Eddie just stops for a second, takes a couple of deep breaths, and Buck waits him out because now he’s thinking maybe, too. Maybe–.

“And then I ruined everything, just like I’ve always done,” Eddie says. “But now I know. I know why and I can make it better - at least part of it. I might still be too late, but I’ve got to try.

Buck sits up in his chair. He can feel the moment buzzing through his veins, hot like that flash of lightning, electric and crackling. Tears are prickling in his eyes and his hands curl into fists on the arms of his chair.

This is a moment.

Pay attention.

Pay attention.

“I miss us,” Eddie says. “The three of us.”

And just like that Buck’s heart withers. Eddie hasn’t really mentioned Marisol since that night her and Chris walked in on Kim and Eddie. He knows they broke up, but in the chaos and heartbreak of losing Chris, Buck didn’t realize how much Eddie missed her too, that she’s the thing he’s lost, the happiness he let slip through his fingers.

Her.

Marisol.

Not Buck.

Of course not Buck.

“I’m sorry you’re missing her too,” Buck says, voice wavering on the edge, barely audible. He’s not sure how he was even able to push sounds past his lips. How is it possible to speak when your heart, when everything, just dies with a handful of words?

“Missing who?”

Buck’s confused, why is Eddie asking who? Why is he making him say it, say her name?

“Mari– Marisol,” Buck answers. “You said you missed the three of you. You miss her–”

“No, the three of us. You, me, and Christopher. Our family. Us, Buck. Us. Always us.”

Eddie is on the edge of his seat, and Buck can’t breathe.

“It’s you, Buck. You’re my fear and my happiness, you’re what I’ve wanted all these years, and I know you’re with Tommy and I’ve missed my chance, but I need to finally say it out loud. I need you to know I love you because even though you can’t love me back you should know. You should know what you being in our lives has done for Chris and me, how we adore you, how much we’ve thrived loving you. God Buck, I–”

“Who says I can’t?” Buck interrupts.

“What?”

“Who says I can’t love you back?”

“Tommy, I–” Eddie’s stumbling over his words. “You’re with Tommy.”

“I’m not,” Buck says. “Not anymore.”

“What? Why?”

Everything settles inside of Buck, all the love, all the want, it’s there, and he can have it. He can have Eddie. And Christopher. They can be his.

They’re his.

He closes his eyes against the happiness bubbling up in him, and takes a deep breath before opening his eyes back up and looking at Eddie.

“Because it’s you too, Eddie. It’s you.”

“Buck.”

“I was sitting on the couch with him watching that stupid Mormon documentary you wanted to watch and all I could think was; I’m sitting on the wrong couch, I’m holding the wrong hand, and I’ve been so stupid.”

Eddie gets up from his chair to drop down on his knees in front of Buck. He reaches out to take his hands and Buck reaches back, wraps his hands around Eddie’s so tightly it makes Eddie gasp out a laugh and squeeze back just as tightly.

“Buck, when you said it was a date, with Tommy, I– god, my heart stopped. I thought for one perfect second, I can have him, I can have him, but then I realized I couldn’t, that it was Tommy who got to kiss you, and I just– I spiraled.”

“You’ve got me now, Eddie,” Buck says as he leans forward and lets his forehead rest against Eddie’s. “But then you’ve always had me.”

“God I love you, Buck.”

“I love you too.”

Eddie rises up on his knees just enough to press his lips against Buck’s. It’s soft, and brief, and Buck’s not going to let him go without getting more so he lets go of Eddie’s hands and grabs onto him, holds Eddie’s face in his hands and kisses him until he opens up to Buck, until he can drown in the taste of him.

“So I guess therapy’s working,” Buck says breathlessly after pulling back from Eddie’s lips.

“I guess so,” Eddie laughs, his breath warm against Buck’s skin.

Buck strokes Eddie’s face with his thumbs, keeping him held securely in his hands as he looks at him. He can’t pull his eyes away from the brightness of Eddie’s eyes, the pink of his cheeks. He looks so fucking happy he glows, and loving Buck made him look that way.

Buck never wants him to stop looking exactly like he does right now.

“We’re getting there.”

“We are,” Eddie agrees.

“We’re gonna go home tomorrow and call Chris–”

“And get our boy back.”

Buck instantly feels the back of his throat clog with tears, the intensity of his love for Eddie - for Eddie and Christopher - overwhelming him.

“I want him to be mine,” Buck says, voice thick.

Eddie presses a kiss to Buck’s lips.

“He is yours- has been for a long, long time.”

Buck has to kiss him again. And keep kissing him until Eddie laughs against his mouth because his knees are killing him and Buck calls him an old man as he paws and grabs at him until he’s pulled him up onto his lap so they can keep kissing some more.

He’s finally kissing Eddie Diaz and he’s never going to stop.

Unless the Eddie Diaz Senior Squad comes after him, then all bets are off.

He’s going to take his chances, though. He’s Eddie’s fella, after all.