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When Mizi arrived aboard their communal home, with her tousled and choppy short hair, and her fierce but exhausted expression, Till was shocked. Mostly because he was seeing his childhood obsession in the flesh after so long. Partly because any human who escaped containment had a shared empathy for each others' hardships, regardless of how big or small. But his very first thought was,
“Where’s Sua?”
It was well known throughout Anakt that Mizi and Sua were inseparable. Both being incredibly talented, they always passed exams together and spent all the time possible together. It wasn’t Till’s jealousy or his friendship with Sua that triggered this response, but the fact it was plainly illogical for them to be separated, especially if Mizi was out here , where freedom was the first and foremost principle.
Despite his best efforts, Till was utterly useless in Alien Stage rescue missions. Sure, he participated in city raids, led teams of rebels, caused general chaos whenever in segyein territory. But he couldn’t go back to those pristine white walls and simulated sky domes, dirtied with the stench of sterile murder. Those years haunted his mind. They were what kept him up at night, reeling from images of his childhood. Every time he attempted a mission, he would go in, guns blazing, fueled by his need for revenge and soul-sewn malice. But the sight of the compound was enough to paralyze him in fear, to the point that it was well known Till would not join those missions.
Of course, every human would feel uneasy near a place that stood for exploiting them. Especially past participants. Despite– or the reason for– his aggressive nature, Till had been subject to the kinds of horrors other children would only witness a few times during their stay on a daily basis.
He hated how the others would avoid the topic around him, specifically. (Sua was a quiet but blunt girl who always laid the facts bare.) But trying to dispute their kindness and prove himself as a new person instead of some scared victim would always lead to failure, to him clutching himself and shaking in some corner, drenched in sweat. It annoyed him to no end that his body would react so idiotically when, after years of endured torture, he should have been stronger. (Ivan would come and bring him back to reality, a care so humbling that it enraged Till once he was fully lucid again.)
On the rooftop of their apartment block, watching Mizi and Ivan enthusiastically exchange stories over plastic wrapped sandwiches and artificial-tasting soda, Till could see how many similarities they shared. They both spoke fondly with a huge smile, occasionally jabbing each other with the embarrassing memory. They narrowly avoided all the terrible parts of their childhood to keep the mood light, but when they neared those events too closely, he could just spot their smiles falter or their eyes become distant. Till wondered if they would ever seriously discuss those moments, and ended up deciding it was inevitable due to how often they happened. He hoped he wouldn’t be there when it did though. For now, he sheepishly chewed on stale bread and watched the devil and the angel on his shoulders laugh together.
“Till.” Ivan poked his shoulder. “Join in.” Almost immediately, cynical replies sprung to the front of his mind. “I don’t know how you people fucking do it. Why do you talk so much, and so quickly, and so easily? Besides, anything I say about her will either make me seem like creepy, rude, or pathetic.”
Instead, he tried for something a little more tactful. “I guess I’m just surprised. We, uh, haven’t seen each other for so long it’s hard to talk about that stuff.”
A sudden and thick silence settled on the three. Till was immediately pissed at both his wording and their reactions. He expected Mizi to pick up with something optimistic and polite, but she just sat there, dumbfounded.
Ivan shrugged. “Can’t be helped. Still, it’s good you’re here now.” And the two were lulled back into conversation.
It felt odd to watch them two talk. He felt it should be Sua instead of Ivan. They were also somewhat alike: quiet, mysteriously attractive, talented. Not to mention they both looked similar– most of their classmates mistook them for twins.
He found out a few days before the rescue, after a broadcast of Round 1 he hadn’t watched but knew virtually everything about through word of mouth. He found out that Sua had died. Something about that fact seemed very fundamentally wrong to Till. Sua, who was so close with Mizi and was a “pampered” yet brave and talented girl. It seemed very, very wrong that she had been killed. Mentally, Till scolded himself for brooding over what should and shouldn’t be.
An alert on Ivan’s watch interrupted the conversation in real life and in Till’s mind. Ivan apologized for it and said he would be back as soon as possible.
Till straightened his back and tucked his hands between his knees. Despite feeling slightly flustered, he couldn’t help but notice that the fog that used to overwhelm his senses when Mizi was nearby was now almost entirely non-existent. He wasn’t sure if he should be disappointed or proud.
“What did you mean, talk about that stuff ?” Mizi asked out of the blue, cocking her head curiously.
“Oh… I mean, stories from when we were little.”
“You don’t talk about them with Ivan?”
“Not often. Who wants to remember that anyway?”
“I mean…” Mizi bowed her head a little, used to using her previously long lengths of hair to curtain her when she blushed or made a worried face. “I know there’s not a lot of good things to talk about, and now everything seems way more… sad…” her voice wavered. “B-but, I remember you being around a lot. Either super shy or super aggressive. That was fun.” At the end of that last sentence, she let out a half-hearted giggle.
“It wasn’t. I was pretty annoying as a kid.”
“I don’t remember you as annoying.”
“Really? I thought you most of all would have thought that.” Till wasn’t sure if Mizi was just being polite but could feel his filter slipping away at the seams. “Seeing as I was so obsessed with you…” He also wasn’t sure about whether he should clarify his feelings for her now. She’d only been here less than a day and her presence was so much less of a rush than before. Yet, at the sametime, seeing her so free made him both relaxed and uneasy.
“Whaaaat?” She drawled out that syllable, jaw dropping in exaggerated surprise. “Are you serious ?!? I never knew!”
Till snickered. “Old news.”
Just then, Ivan arrived and sat back down at their table. “Huh? What are we talking about?”
“Ivan, did you know Till liked me?!?” Till felt an embarrassed blush creep up his neck and turned to look away.
Ivan raised an eyebrow. “Didn’t everyone know?”
“Seriously…” Mizi put her face in her hands and leant back. “I’m so dense.”
They both thought in unison, “You were always pinhole–focused on her .”
That night, as Till and Ivan lay awake in their room pretending to be asleep, Ivan made the first move.
“Till? You awake?”
“...Yeah.”
“With Mizi… do you still like–”
“For fuck’s sake, man.” Till tutted and rolled over to face him. Considered lying to the person that always saw through him. “I dunno. I guess not. I think I’m just happy she’s safe."
“Oh, ok.” His tone shifted to a languid one.
“Why’re you asking, anyway?”
“You know why.”
He did know why. Years ago, they had the odd ritual of sleeping in separate beds, but one would always crawl into the other at some point in the quiet night. Nowadays, they skipped it all together and slept in the same bed, “for convenience.”
Till blushed, frowned, and moved in closer. Ivan thread his sleepy hand through Till’s hair and traced his scalp affectionately.