Chapter Text
Elsa was just following her, feeling dreamy and warm despite the autumn growing every minute. Honeymaren was talking about these four years of study abroad. It was all non-sense, sentences broken into irregular pieces. She was doing that on purpose too make her mind feel foggier, Honeymaren hadn’t drank more than two glasses.
Elsa knew that because she had spent the evening glancing at her. She knew because when Honeymaren started describing the girls she had pulled, her words were suddenly clear. Elsa must admit to herself jealousy was playing with her guts.
She thought they were going to ignore each other, outside of the theater club, as they should. They were living in the same place now, but the city was so big. It should be easy to forget about Honeymaren, after all the years.
Elsa walked faster, heading next to the brunette. The other woman gave her the smirk, perfect and seductive from the teethes to the eyes, that had always made her heart went on a roller coaster.
“How is your photographer study going?”
“Pretty good, actually. It would have been nice if I’d brought my camera tonight. A lesbian bar with no cisgender straight men in sight, could be a historical moment memorized.”
“That’s why I love this place so much,” Elsa whispered. “Tuva always makes sure her bar is the safe place it’s supposed to be.”
“You do? I remember you having a thing for men.”
The brunette laughed, sarcastic. The attacks were coming back. Elsa wasn’t offended, she deserved it. The blonde felt shame and remorse about how bad she had been for Honeymaren to still me mad her.
She thought about the sentence again. Men. Elsa didn’t have a thing for them, she never had. She had once believed she was that way, then she had forced herself to hold on that belief. Elsa still wasn’t comfortable to confess it with someone else than herself nor was she able the say out loud the ‘l-word’.
“I should have listened to you back then” Honeymaren said, “instead of suffering for that shit during the past four years.”
Honeymaren was meant to photography. Her pieces were the greatest Elsa had ever seen, and she worked with so many artists. Honeymaren’s were…soul-tormenting, disturbing, magnificent. She had this ability of finding the soul of everything and highlight it so well to almost manipulate the watcher’s deepest feelings.
“You’re not the kind to force themselves too long into something they hate. I told you you were gifted.”
Elsa had wanted Honeymaren’s heart to belong to freedom before wishing it belonged to her.
“You did. It was the first and only time I ever heard the truth from your month.”
“You’re not wrong. I was professional liar at the time.”
“Cause you want me to believe you’re not anymore?”
They stopped walking. Elsa stayed quiet. The streets were calm this night, with only some car noises and a few footsteps sounds here and there. They were almost alone as they used to be, hidden in Elsa’s rooms or dark corners at teenage parties.
Honeymaren wasn’t fully wrong. Lies were Elsa’s cursed soulmate. When you’ve known only one thing since birth, considering another path felt impossible.
Honeymaren nodded as she saw Elsa wouldn’t give her answer. Her shoes continued forward. She switched her skateboard from her right arm to the left
“Of course, you ain’t that different.”
She had mumbled, yet Elsa had heard. This was a lie; she had changed a lot. Meeting again in such a place was a proof of that. Introducing her to Disa was another one.
However, she was also aware of what Honeymaren actually meant. Honeymaren had been expecting that way she had been dangling in front of her since their first kiss. The brunette kept walking.
“I’ve always wanted to test your skate.”
Honeymaren looked at her from over her shoulder. She raised an eyebrow. She put the board on the ground and invited Elsa to use it.
“Bold of you to assume I know how it works.” The blonde laughed.
“It’s not that hard. Come here.”
Honeymaren gave her a hand. Elsa’s back shivered at the contact.
“Put your foot right here.” Elsa obeyed.
Honeymaren brought her hand back to herself. The skateboard almost didn’t move but Elsa’s legs were already shaking.
“You push with your other foot, then you bring it behind on the skate.” The other woman showed the movements from the ground as she spoke.
Elsa wanted to try but she couldn’t get herself to move.
“I’m too scared,” she sighed, “this is so embarrassing.”
Honeymaren rolled her eyes. Shortly after, she came to place her hands on Elsa’s waist.
Elsa swallowed, feeling all warm. She missed these fingers on her body.
“You can do it. I’m holding you.”
She breathed hard. Honeymaren had told the exact same thing years ago. At one of the worst times of her life, she had been the only one holding her. Honeymaren used to always be on her side back then, always cheering her and being the supportive shoulder to her weakness, or simply loving her. Elsa hadn’t been able to handle that, to give her what she deserved, to be as present. She just felt more like crap as the memories hit her.
“Elsa…Your foot.”
The blonde nodded. She pushed the ground. Honeymaren’s grip on her body hardened, Elsa gasped. She was walking behind her, not letting her go. Elsa pushed twice before letting the board slowed down and stopped.
Elsa jumped, helping herself with a tree nearby, a hand on her heart. Honeymaren smiled, no trace of resentment in her eyes. Elsa wished she could have that sight again. But for that she would have to erase the past.
“See? Wasn’t that hard.”
“Yeah, I was wrong. But I think I’m gonna stick to my car. That thing is too dangerous.”
“There are more mortal car accidents than skateboards’!” Honeymaren stated, half giggling.
“Okay, let’s create a skateboards highway and see what happens.”
Elsa raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms on her chest. Honeymaren burst out laughing. The blonde was sure she saw someone glaring at them from their balcony.
“It’s pretty ironic of you to complain about skate’s dangers when you were driving without a license.”
Elsa blushed. “How many times do I have to tell you it’s legal? Nokk was a car that didn’t require a license, just to be sixteen!”
“I still can’t believe you gave a name to a vehicle…”
“I didn’t, Honeymaren! That’s how the company named their car.” Elsa joined her in her laughing.
“Yeah sure, nepo-babe.”
The heat on Elsa’s face got bigger. Somehow, she felt hopeful. Honeymaren used to call her by this nickname to make fun of her. Thoughts immerged on her mind. Maybe if she try harder, maybe if she could show Honeymaren how much she changed, how much she had cared, how much she cared, then they could be something again.
Elsa knew that, deep down, she never stopped liking Honeymaren and Honeymaren would never stop to matter.
Their laughs faded slowly, lightly. Elsa spotted a certain light in the brunette’s eyes. Giving up to the blood that was pulsing in her entire body, Elsa took a step forward. Honeymaren was so short compared to her. She smelled like tobacco. Elsa's addiction teased her, but she resisted the urge to reach for her electronic cigarette.
Before Elsa could do any thing more, Honeymaren grabbed her neck and pressed their lips together. Elsa kissed her back in the second. Their kiss was hot, needy, even nostalgic. Their lips and tongues were moving from hunger.
Honeymaren forced her to walk back without breaking contact. Elsa moaned when she felt her back hitting the tree. She fell a bit on her knees, letting the darker woman deepen their kiss if it was even possible.
They separated a few seconds, breaths hot and heavy. Honeymaren’s pupils were dilated. Elsa mustn’t be in a better state. She grabbed her long braid, therefore their mouths met once more. Honeymaren’s thigh was pressed between hers. Elsa pulled her closer by the hip.
Honeymaren lips moved to attack her neck, leaving a great amount of burning kiss behind them. Elsa freed the brown braid to cover her mouth. Lips moved across her jaw, landing very close her ear.
“Elsa,” Honeymaren whispered, “you’re aware it’s not going to happen, aren’t you?”
The woman backed off, leaving Elsa confused. She wasn’t touching at all now. It took a short moment before the question hit Elsa’s brain. She stood on her feet.
“Why not?”
“Why not…?” Honeymaren repeated. The bitter tone was back. “Why not? Why not, Elsa? You broke my trust, you broke me and you almost broke my life. I warned you the last time it happened that you won’t get another chance.”
“You did. But you also told me I was never going to see you again and look, here we are.”
Honeymaren picked up her skateboard. Then, she turned back. Elsa rushed to grab her wrist. Unexpectedly, she didn’t pull away. However, she didn’t look at Elsa.
“It didn’t pass one single day without me regretting you. I feel like shit for what happened to you that day, for everything I put you through actually. I miss you. You were…everything, may I say. I fucked up, I’m ashamed of myself. I know apologies, or even any words won’t fix this up. But I still wish you all the happiness. I still want you. It might be hard to believe but I can be better person for you. I’ve changed, I promise.”
Honeymaren sighed, quickly glancing at her before staring at the road.
“We both know your promises are bullshit.”
She released her wrist from Elsa's grip and continued on her way.
“You’re still attracted to me.” She shouted, as if it would change Honeymaren’s opinion.
The brunette stopped, the tension in her shoulders released slightly. “So what?”
“This means I’ve still got hope.”
“Just because my body wants you doesn’t mean I can magically forgive you and come back in your arms, Elsa.” Honeymaren turned back, keeping the distance between them.
“What should I do to make you change your mind?”
“You can’t bear not getting what you want, huh?
“Please, give me one last chance. If I fail, I’ll disappear from your life. Forever.”
Honeymaren stayed silent for what seemed like eternity. She took a step, then changed her mind, bringing it back with the rest of her body. She didn't move for a minute or two. Eventually, she returned to her. She kept a few inches of distance between their bodies. Her finger rested on Elsa’s collarbone.
“I won’t wait for you. I’ll keep living my life, doing whatever I want with whoever I want. I won’t care about how it affects your feelings.”
Elsa didn’t dare to say a word. She blinked as she was realizing what she heard both from Honeymaren’s mouth and her own.
“Fine,” she murmured.
Honeymaren smirked. She climbed on her skateboard. She rolled until the street corner, not to far away. Once there, she stopped and said: “You better prove me wrong, Elsa Oldenburg.”
And she disappeared from Elsa’s sight. This time, Elsa couldn’t guess what her voice was hiding. The blonde woman dropped to the pavement. Her body was shaking as a dumb smile grew on her face.
“I will, Honeymaren Nattura. I will…”