Work Text:
-“There you are!”
A tap on his shoulder made Clef almost choke on the sandwich he stole from the breakroom fridge as he turned in his seat. Before him stood Kondraki, looking like shit, as always. He was holding a mug with some coffee in one, and a stack of paper in the other hand. “Oh, look who decided to show their face!”, Clef said half enthusiastically. “Can't say good morning to me, but can bother me on my lunch break”
Kondraki raised an eyebrow. “I did say hello to you”
-"That's not good morning, is it?” Clef took another bite from the cheese sandwich his lactose intolerant body would soon punish him for. “What do you need?”
His colleague rolled his eyes. “I'm gonna have to bother you today”, he explained. “I know you don't like it when we switch roles, but I seriously need to get work done”
-”Are you trying to make it sound dirty? Cuz that's what it sounds like”
Kondraki let out a deep sigh. “I thought you'd appreciate some humour.. regardless. There's renovations being done nearby and I can't stand the noise. I will have to borrow your computer today”
-”Just put in some headphones”
-”And miss out on a breach alarm? No thanks”
Clef stopped mid bite to look at the man up and down. “You want to die anyways”
-"I'm not dying in a breach like some pussy”, Kondraki countered. “Death can have me when she has earned it”
-”Sure”, Clef snorted. “Whatever you say. Let me finish up my lunch, I'll be with you in like, five minutes”
-”Alright” Kondraki turned around, but not without hitting the hat off of Clef's head. It landed on the nasty cafeteria tiles, and Clef didn't even bother picking it up. The lice inside were surely delighted about having a chance to escape.
Normally it was Clef finishing up work in Kondraki's office after lunch. It was like a little ritual they've unofficially agreed on. It all started when they first shared that beer on the moon. If anybody had told Clef that that would start a real connection between them, he would've laughed in their face.
Clef had built a reputation since he was first hired. A lot of not-so-nice things have been said about him, comparing him to the devil, and the plague, and otherwise claiming he was “rude” or “sexist”. They were true for the most part however, so who could blame them really?
But Kondraki? He could be so much worse when he wanted to be.
Clef was rude, sure. But Kondraki was a menace. Difficult to work with, mean, didn't even tip waiters at restaurants, claiming that it wasn't usual in Europe so why should he care?
Admittedly, and to nobody's surprise, they didn't get along. And the whole SCP 239 fiasco had definitely left a bad impression in both their minds. Yet somehow, when Clef asked for help neutralising that reality bender, Kondraki didn't immediately tell him to fuck off.
One might even say they became inseparable. Every moment was spent together, and when they weren't in the same room, they were thinking about it. At least, Clef was. Somehow that bastard never left his mind. Maybe Kondraki was a reality bender, invading his mind without anybody knowing it. Perhaps not even himself.
He snickered, finishing Cimmerian's his lunch. Clef kicked his hat so it would fly into the air before catching it again. Making his way back to his office, he couldn't help but wonder if there was something he had forgotten.
The day had been dull and uneventful. One might say that was a good thing, but to Clef it was boring. Things weren't the same as they once were. Security was much more stable these days, and the wing he had been assigned to was mostly a safe zone. Without the constant anxiety of the day being his last, he became fidgety, looking for ways to distract himself. For a little while, teaching himself to solve a rubik's cube was enough, but soon he mastered that too and went back to boredom and constant anxiety.
Eventually, he found a new distraction - and as he walked back to his office, he finally remembered what he had forgotten.
Overtaken by a sudden rush of energy, he sprinted to his office. “Shit”, he muttered under his breath. “Shit, shit, shit-”
-”Actually I'm gonna need my computer like, right now”, he bursted out as he ripped the door to his office open, but it was too late.
Kondraki froze at the sudden noise, almost dropping the “#1 fag” mug he had borrowed from Clef. “Jeez, no need for all that noise”, he stammered, looking flustered as he tried to close something on the computer.
-"Don't close it just like that, I haven't saved!” Clef stepped behind the desk, pushing Kondraki away - he was a big man, but the fact that he sat on a swivel chair helped.
-”Clef, is that-”, Kondraki tried to not give away his embarrassment. “Did you make us in the fucking Sims?”
-”Kon, I can explain”, Clef tried to defend himself, but was promptly cut off.
-”Why am I pregnant?! And why do we have a full romance bar?!”
Clef could no longer explain. He stood before the computer, looking back and forth between the game and Kondraki. His face was flushed, but Clef couldn't tell if it was anger or shame.
-”Listen, I, uh.. you know how when male sims get abducted by aliens..”
-"That is not an alien pregnancy! Show me your gender settings, now!”
-”Kon, I-”
-”You don't have a telescope on the lot. That is not an alien pregnancy!”
Shit. Clef felt completely and utterly defeated. He hesitantly shift clicked his sim, opening CAS as fast as he could to avoid even more embarrassment, but clearly he was not quick enough.
-”Don't tell me that’s the wicked whims logo that I just saw”
-”No”
Kondraki crossed his arms. “Clef”, he said carefully as the game went through a loading screen. “If you take off my pants, will I see a cock?”
Clef was quiet for a moment. “I..”
-”If you take off my pants”, he repeated, this time louder. “will I see a cock?”
-”..maybe” Clef couldn't help but admire his choice of words. Last time he had removed his pants, he didn't just see a cock - he saw a magnum that dislocated his jaw more times than he'd like to admit - but that was not in the Sims.
-”I can't fucking believe you”, Kondraki sighed, disappointed, but not surprised.
As instructed, Clef showed him the gender settings of their sims. Sure enough, Kondraki's box was ticked for “can get pregnant”.
-"How on God's green earth did you replicate my face so well?” Kondraki spinned his simself around, looking at his outfits and traits. Clef had a fine eye for details. From an almost seamless copy of his exact wardrobe, to the structure of his face.
-”I’ve used some reference photos”, he admitted. “That, and a lot of custom content”
-”I want to be impressed but.. Christ. This is weird as hell”
-”Look”, Clef pointed at the left bottom of the screen. “Those are our cats. This one's Spoinkles, this one's Harvey..”
-”Didn't take you for a cat person”
Clef looked him dead in the eye. “You were wrong”
-”So, how long has this been going on?”, Kondraki finally asked.
-”Not long. Maybe a couple of weeks? I've spent most of the time trying to replicate us to the best of my abilities. The height difference is very immersion breaking though, I'll admit” He muttered the last part, noticing how Kondraki, sitting in the chair, was almost his height while he was still standing. “Besides, I was only playing whenever I had nothing better to do”
-”That I agree with” He continued looking through Clef’s own simself. It was less accurate, missing the third eye and toothy grin. Even his hair colour looked off, as the game offered only a few blonde swatches, and not a single good looking one.
-"As for the pregnancy”, Clef continued. “It was an accident. I was gonna get you a simbortion”
-”Why? You don't wanna step up?”, Kondraki laughed.
-”The last thing I want right now is children”, Clef snorted. “Can't have them interfere with my gameplay”
-”That sounds wrong when you say it like that”
-”So does you asking about your cock”
Kondraki shrugged. ”That's fair enough”
-”So you're not mad?”
-”Maybe a little. It's.. certainly something” He chuckled a little. “Not the weirdest thing you've done, unfortunately”
-"Okay, good. Good” Clef saved and closed the game. He plumped down onto a nearby armchair, letting his colleague finally start his work.
-”By the way”, Kondraki added after a few moments of silence. “Why am I the pregnant one? I'm not even the woman in this relationship”
Clef bit his lip. “Kon”, he said. “We're both grown ass men”
-”That's not my question. If anybody between us was pregnant, it would have to be you”
-”Nuh-uh” Clef threw a paper plane at him. “Absolutely not”
-"Yuh-uh”, Kondraki threw it back, hitting Clef in the temple. “You'll see when I'm done with you”
-”What?”
-”What?”