Archive of Our Own

Maki honestly didn’t know how she would feel if her sister died. She didn’t miss her right now. Hadn’t missed her when they separated.

She wouldn't cry, that's for sure. Other than that, no idea.

Obviously, Maki loved Mai. There was something about sisters, like that. Maki hardly thought about Mai as a person. Mai and the Zen’in Clan were immutable in Maki’s mind. But whenever Maki passed by a mirror, she automatically shifted closer before she remembered that Mai had shorter hair, that a reflection wasn’t her younger sister.

They were only sisters by experience to Maki. Mai Zen’in and Maki Don’t-call-me-Zen’in. They were not similar, like twins should be. They didn’t help each other. Like two crabs chained together, pushing each other down as they tried to escape boiling water.

Maki protected her sister. She had always protected her sister. Protection was woven into every muscle by now. Even though she was hardly even an older sister, she always became one. She swore she wasn’t trying to replace Mai. She swore . But still.

A scream was always building up inside of Maki. Perhaps half the time it was her own, and half the time Mai’s. That would be nice, to take her sister’s anger onto herself. Or maybe it was just heartbreaking.

Would Maki miss Mai? It had been so long without seeing her sister’s smile. If Mai died right now, would Maki be able to notice? Tokyo was so loud, the absence of one person was never noticed. Kyoto to Tokyo. Much too far to notice anything. If they were still real sisters, then Maki was sure she would be able to tell if her sister died. But they were no longer home to each other. Maki had severed that long ago. Out of protection? Selfishness? Anger? She couldn’t tell. Probably a twisted version of all of them.

Honestly, Maki would probably die first. She had always thought so. Before she left, she thought it would be a terrible death. Diving in front of a curse she couldn’t even see, just in case it was headed for Mai. Her family would laugh. Say something like, well, it was only to be expected . Hopefully Mai would think the same. Maki didn’t want her to be sad. Maybe even Mai would be better off if Maki died. Free of Maki’s burden. 

Now that Maki had left, she wasn’t sure who would die first. Somewhere deep inside, she still thought that she would die first. Born first, Dead first. Mai would live on.

If she spoke her theory aloud, Panda would probably say something like, there’s no way to tell, though, so just don’t worry about it! He didn’t understand. His siblings were fucking inside of him. 

No one fucking understood. How could they? Maki didn’t tell them shit. She had vowed to hold onto her anger with a fucking steel chain. 

Maki was made of spite, memories, blood, and a few fucking feelings she didn't pay attention to. 

There wasn't any love in Maki. No—that was a lie. But… she wasn't weak for it. That was for sure.

The love in her life was nice. It could never keep her going like hate could—though it certainly created hate. But. Love was nice when she felt it.

Sometimes, Maki danced in her dorm room. Stale air whipping her hair around, her bare feet hitting the floor. She had a song stuck in her head. She had hazel rose memories of it. Holding hands, smiles and laughing. A room of light. Maki had imagined that room to be her own Domain when she was younger. She’d never get a real one, but that room was as good as one. Safe.

With her sister. 

—

Maki hated Mai. Hated her so fucking bad. A byproduct of how much she loved her, probably. Because god if Mai was in Tokyo for one more fucking second Maki was going to explode . Or cry. Probably both. Stupid-ass school competitions.

Maki hated that Mai hated her. Maki hated Maki for making her. Maki hated, and hated, and hated until all she had left was spite. Her sister was so annoying. They would be better off as strangers. They would be better off as children forever dancing. They would be better off without— without everything. Her head hurt.

Maki spit some words at her sister, and her sister fired them right back. Dusty versions of old bickering. 

Mai hated Maki. As a fact. Obviously, of course. Maki had left her. Maki left her little sister alone in a house of demons. And yes, her sister had seemed fine there. But she was alone . 

If I didn't leave, I would have hated myself . 

So much hatred. Such a caustic emotion. Maki liked laughing with her friends much more. But this was life. Hate, death, and a little love on the side, if you can pay for it. 

Maki had surely paid for it. And she did love her friends. And she remembered what it was like to fully love her sister. And sometimes she loved her sister without any hate.

Love and Hate. It seemed all Jujutsu sorcerers had problems with it. It wasn’t like normal people's problems—Greed and Selfishness. Ugh. It made Maki tired. Everything was weighing her down.

She wanted to be like the birds in her childhood. Birds had flown overhead when she left that house. Birds stared at her whenever she went to the park. She liked them. 

They were beautiful in their freedom and destiny. 

—

Yuuta was a strange boy. He was trapped to be with his friend— lover?— forever. He should hate. To be trapped with a curse. The manifestation of a child’s pain. But somehow, he seemed to overflow with love. 

Maki didn’t understand Yuuta, at first. How somehow with such a horrible life, with so many chains, could be so happy. So carefree. Not to say Yuuta didn’t worry, but it was strange how unrestrained his smiles were. His love, spilling over with every laugh.

The love was nice. It made Maki happy. It made the rest of their grade happy, too. Panda smiled more when Yuuta was around. Inumaki seemed to be almost a different person with Yuuta. Words spilled past his lips until his throat hurt without any hint of cursed energy.

Yuuta was free, under all the chains. But Maki had swallowed the chains and wrapped them around herself and had made them her weapons and her rosary. She could not be free. Hatred pushed her forward towards the curses and pulled her under the water at night.

Silent screams poured from Makis' lips every night. She would toss and turn, twisting her sheets until a whispered wail would burst from her chest, consuming her being for every second it would tumble from her. 

Afterwards, she would be terribly alone, in the silence.

— 

“Destroy Everything.” Mai stared at Maki with a soft expression. Maki felt her soul rattle, her mind spinning in a circle. She did not want this. She did not want it like this. But what else could she do? She had already chosen long ago. 

Birds flew overhead. Maki stared blankly. She could not summon a single emotion for a long while. Her body was completely still, her eyes unmoving. It was as if her mind was covered by a heavy shroud. Like she has become one with the stone beneath her body. She felt nothing. Would she feel this forever? Is this how to act when your sister dies? No--she must feel something. She must react.

I will revenge us. Yes, v engeance would be her reaction. Fulfilling a promise. 

Maki was not to be hated for leaving an angel in a house of demons. The demons were to be hated, for killing such a good person. And God, did Maki hate. 

The feelings of hatred Maki used to fuel herself were no more. They had not been hatred. 

This was true hate. And it was exhilarating. Like turbulence in an airplane, her stomach floating and her eyes unblinking. Her blood was burning. She felt free now. Like a bird coming home, a salmon flying through the air on its way to the graveyard. Destruction and creation mingling together in its blood.

An old song was stuck in her head. She hoped it stayed. She would have to remember for two.

Maki had always known she would die first, one way or another.