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Seven months ago, Blue would have never believed that she would find herself in an Aglionby boys’ party, and yet here she was. Her dress made her stand out, not because she was the only girl there, there were enough of them around, but because it was mostly homemade. She bit the inside of her cheek, and with it any embarrassment that was trying to rise up. Lifting her head, she looked around. Girlfriends from schools as expensive as Aglionby, for sure. Some girls from her school, most looking very happy to be where they were – of course. Every girl that disliked the boys from this school as much as she did was smarter than her and hadn’t come. It had taken a lot of convincing from both Gansey and Adam for her to give them the pleasure of her company. Ronan, honestly, didn’t seem to care all that much, and was now busy sneaking in a bit of his vodka into his cup of soda.
Blue sighed, loudly, attracting Gansey’s attention. He was, as it was expected, wearing a polo shirt, and had a glass on his hand. A confident smile spread through his face while he slapped Ronan’s hand away from his glass, refusing the alcohol he was trying to give him. She couldn’t help but smile back, her own hand covering the top of her glass, the same way Calla had taught her to. She could trust her raven boys, but she definitely didn’t trust the other ones.
“Are you alright?” He asked, his voice still smooth from the conversation he had with some other Aglionby boy.
“Yeah.” She replied, stretching her neck to try to see above all the heads without standing on the tip of her feet – God knew Ronan wouldn’t let her hear the end of it. “What the hell are they doing?”
A group of people was gathering around a circle, sitting on the floor, the girls careful so they wouldn’t step on their dresses.
“They’re gonna play something!” Noah’s voice came out of nowhere, startling Blue. She twisted around to look at him, and he had a big grin on his face. Blue wasn’t about to ruin it by saying that he had appeared like a ghost.
“Fuck man, can’t you give us some kind of warning before you do that?” Ronan asked, his voice sharp where Gansey’s was smooth, but Noah didn’t seem to be bothered, too busy trying to figure out which game they were playing. She could see the circle more clearly now that people had either joined it or moved away.
“It’s spin the bottle.” Adam said, getting in response a confused look from Gansey. “You know, the one with the kisses?” he went on, but Gansey’s frown just became deeper. Ronan and Noah chuckled, trading looks of mischief together, while Blue rolled her eyes. “You spin the bottle, and then you kiss the person it stops on.”
“So, Parrish, enlighten me.” Ronan’s lips were twisted in a crooked smile. “If I spin the bottle and it points at you, you’d have to kiss me?”
“Y-yes, but-“
“We should play it.” He replied, starting to move towards the game, but stopped when he heard Blue’s voice.
“If they are just kissing, why are they going to that closet?” She asked, while a girl and a boy walked to the closet. That girl was in her Algebra class – Emily, or maybe Emma, she wasn’t completely sure. She wore red lipstick that Blue sensed wouldn’t stay there for too long and the smile she gave the boy was a mix between sweet and dirty.
“It’s seven minutes in Heaven!” Noah exclaimed. “You have to go play.”
“That doesn’t seem very smart.” Gansey chimed in, his eyebrows going up further when the closet door behind the couple.
“C’mon, man, live a little.” Ronan insisted, already pulling Adam with him. If she asked him later, he would say that it was because he was closer to him, but Blue didn’t think Ronan would want to play at all if Adam wasn’t playing as well.
Noah looked at Blue, his eyes pleading.
“What?” She asked defensively.
“I can’t play. Do it for me.” She opened her mouth to protest, but closed it afterwards, crossing her arms.
“I rather end up with a girl on that closet than with an Aglionby boy.” Blue said, resisting the urge of pointing a finger at Noah’s chest since she knew that they were the only ones who was seeing him. She marched on to the game, and, as if that was the cue, both Gansey and Adam followed, a smirk spreading through Ronan’s face as Noah smiled.
She sat beside a girl from her school and Gansey sat right beside her, his knee poking at her thigh. Noah found a spot right behind her, not entering the circle, and the rest of the boys found themselves a spot across from them. Some people nodded at them, but she knew that most of them were saying hi to Gansey, not her.
Her stomach twisted around herself. She liked to think her true love wasn’t anywhere near this circle, but –
Her eyes shifted to Gansey, who gave her a reassuring smile.
But she wasn’t going to risk it.
The couple left the closet, and Blue predicament proved itself right when she spotted lipstick stains around the boy’s jaw, and she tried to fix her bun, a few strands of hair escaping from its hold.
“I think-“ She didn’t recognize the voice at first, and looked around to find its owner, which didn’t take long. Henry Cheng smiled at her, and she bit back the urge to roll her eyes. “Our newest friend should spin it right now.”
“Me?” She asked, not reaching for the bottle. She was, until now, half expecting she would be ignored.
“Gansey isn’t exactly new.”
Noah poked her on the side slightly, urging her forward, and she could see the daring look in Ronan’s eyes across the circle. She put her eyebrow into a perfect arch at him and spun the bottle, her eyes on it while it turned again and again, expectation making it look like it would never stop spinning. Until it did. Pointing at her.
“Uh-“ She began, hesitantly, hoping to God that no one dropped a masturbation joke.
“Gansey boy!” Some other boy claimed and the other ones cheered on. Looking down at the bottle again, she noticed that while it was pointed at her, it certainly wasn’t completely pointed at her. Gansey gave her a small smile, shrugging, while he slowly propped himself up, offering his hand for her to hold. She accepted it, appreciating the support and feeling her cheeks burn.
Her heart beat fast against her chest, trying to rip her ribcage open and flee. They couldn’t kiss. He knew that. She knew that. She tried to look at the boy in front of her and imagine the first time he saw him, wet clothes, there but not quite. She tried to make herself understand that it would be – that it was her fault. She tried, again and again, to be sensible about it. To do the right thing, and not let herself be carried away for something so unimportant as lips that looked so soft and a boy that smelled like mint and memories.
He opened the door of the closet and they entered, and when it closed around them, it was all dark, even the sounds of the party were now muffled. Blue took a deep breath and Gansey did the same. They were close – they couldn’t not be close, The space was too small and Blue rather feel his body against her instead of the contents of the closet, which wasn’t very sensible at all.
“We don’t have to- If you don’t-“ He began, awkwardly talking, nothing like the boy who was outside just a few seconds ago.
“I want to.” She cut him off before the words were swallowed with the bitter taste of fear. She started to see his features in the darkness, her eyes adjusting. He sighed as if he was a soldier tired from the battle. Maybe he was. God knew she was.
Gansey pressed his forehead against hers, and she closed her eyes at the touch, not pulling away, not even thinking about pulling away.
“I wish you could be kissed, Jane.”He whispered, playing with her hair, playing a rebellious strand behind her ear before it slipped again to freedom. That night seemed so long ago, before all the mess went down. Did they have it easier then? Would they ever have it easy? She could still remember all of it. The stars expanding above them, the only ones watching their almost kiss.
“We can pretend. Just once.” She replied, her nose touching his.
Blue felt his eyes piercing her, and then his mouth was there. On her jaw, kissing so softly she could barely feel it, but it was enough to send a chill down her spine and she got a grab of his hair, caressing it while she pulled him closer. She shifted her head as well kissing the place where his shoulder met his neck, the collar of his polo shirt brushing against her nose. This time, there was no Adam hovering in the corner of their minds. There wasn’t even stars. Just them. No one watching.
She placed her hand on the back of his neck, standing on the tip of her toes to kiss his neck, feeling his apple shift against her lips, his breath raggedy for a second. He placed a hand around her waist, pulling her closer, and she could feel his rowing muscles against her fingers, while he brushed his lips against her cheek, almost too close to her mouth, and it took all the strength she had in her to not shift her head and kiss him, mouth against mouth, tongue smashing against tongue, teeth clanking. She kissed his lobe, biting it and pulling at it, teasing him, as if there wasn’t teasing enough already. He let a hoarse, low moan escape from his mouth and she felt it against her skin.
Gansey’s hands pulled her closer again, but this time, she lifted her up. Her legs searched him for support, and his hands moved to her thighs, her back pressed against the coats and a chuckle escaped her mouth when he pushed them away so they could find the wall. He smiled back at her, and she could still feel it when he pressed his lips against her skin again. She rolled her head back almost in instinct while he placed kiss after kiss on her neck, his hands grabbing her thigh, and while he tried to keep it over her dress, she could still feel a part of the palm of his warm hand against her skin.
Her hands travelled from his shoulder, finally getting enough courage that she wouldn’t fall to the ground if she let go, and she felt his muscles again, going for his collar bone, tracing it, moving to his belly. He sighed at every touch she made, as if just the feel of her fingers against his skin was enough for him. She moved closer, making herself taller, embracing his neck before kissing his jaw, feeling the stumble of a beard that he hadn’t shaved for two days beginning to show up.
Her whole body felt when he kissed her behind her ear, the shiver going all through her spine and a small oh escaped her lips. She didn’t see his grin, but she felt it, his lips curving against her skin because of the reaction he had gotten. She put her hand inside his shirt, feeling his back as she leaned to kiss the end of his neck again.
They were growing more desperate as the minute passed, growing braver, his hand squeezing on her thigh, her hand pressing against his abs under the shirt, and the only thought on her mind was don’t kiss him, don’t kiss him, don’t kiss him . But her mouth was begging for it, and Gansey was beginning to think that he would die if she didn’t kiss him, not the other way around. All she wanted was his lips against hers. To feel them, bite them, suck them, make them red. To feel how the inside of his mouth tasted, to feel his tongue exploring hers. Her lips hovered above his, almost touching, but not quite.
“We can’t.” His voice came out small, shaken, his short breath escaping through the words. She knew what he wanted to say. She knew what he wanted it to be.
“I know.” She closed her eyes, pressed the side of her face against his, feeling his cheek and his breath against his. In a matter of seconds, she was burying her face on his neck, and he placed a hand on her hair. “I know.” She repeated, as if that would make it better. He dragged his fingers through her hair, moving her bangs from her face, only for them to fall again, but now she was already looking at him.
“We have this.” He murmured, and kissed the beginning of her jaw line. “And this.” He moved to her ear, hitting the spot behind it again and she shuddered against him, holding onto him with renewed strength.
And he repeated it, kissing her wherever he could reach, saying it each time. He kissed on the cheek, on the place between her nose and mouth, her forehead, the bridge of her nose, while she was looking at him, her heart hurting from all the love she had for this boy, this rich, enchanted by the world and its mysteries, caring, golden boy. He kissed her neck, cupping her face with his hand, kissed her shoulder, partly feeling the bra strap, and she realized she could give him anything, unafraid. His mouth stayed there for a moment, breathing against her skin before he looked at her. She smiled at him while he moved his thumb across her cheek. His finger touched her lips and she shifted her head a little to the side to kiss it, pressing her lips on his fingerprint. And he smiled that loving smile, the kind of smile she never thought someone you give her.
Someone knocked on the door to let them know time was over. She closed her eyes.
“And now we never speak of it again.” He said, but the smile was still there, a promise that it wasn’t the last time.
“And now we never speak of it again.” She echoed.