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Fear of breezes. Fear of quarrels at night time. Fear of wreckage. Fear of one’s reflection in spoons. Fear of promises. Fear of alienation brought on by hospitality. Fear of unexplained light. Fear of comprehensive write-off. Fear of fear.
Fear of help. Fear of asking for, receiving, refusing, giving, or being denied help.
- from “Some Fears,” Emily Berry
It’s been a long afternoon of running through mud yet again, this time chasing after a seven year old, who, thinking he had seen a rabbit, had managed to escape from his frazzled mother and taken off into the nearby forest. Now, six months after his transfer to Munju, Joowon owned more practical shoes than the ones he’d first come to Manyang with, but he’d still spent at least fifteen minutes in the station bathroom trying to scrub them of mud with tissue paper before he’d been willing to step foot in his car. They’d been at the end of their shift, so Sergeant Choi had waved him off and said he’d start the paperwork back at the precinct and Joowon should just go home and clean up.
He’s been renting a little apartment in one of the newer buildings in Munju City, so it doesn’t take long to get home from the station. He’s already messaged Dongsik that he’s off a bit early and he can join the group at Jaeyi’s this evening. He’s so relieved to be back in his own space, ready to properly clean both himself and his shoes, that he doesn’t notice the slight dampness of the mat outside his door. But it’s impossible not to notice the water that comes pouring out of his flat as soon as the door cracks open.
Fuck.
It appears that a pipe has burst in the flat just above his. The neighbors in question, a young couple with a toddler, arrive just after Joowon, and they all end up waiting in the building lobby for an emergency plumber while the maintenance staff try to mitigate the damage. The couple are hugely embarrassed and apologetic, although Joowon can’t tell if it’s because they’re actually at fault somehow or if they just feel bad for him. He finally manages to get away from the husband’s repeated promises to pay for any damages long enough to call Dongsik.
“Inspector Han! On your way yet? Don’t bring anything, Kang Dosoo said he’s treating us to soju tonight, though he won’t say why.”
“I'm sorry. I’m not going to be able to make it tonight after all.”
“What? Why? Don’t say work, even an upstanding officer like you has got to take a break now and again.”
“My apartment flooded. I’m waiting for the plumber to come.”
“Oh, shit!” There’s rustling like Dongsik has gotten up and moved outside. “Is it bad?”
“I don’t know.” He hasn’t had much chance to think about it yet, and he’s not sure he wants to. “It seemed like maybe six or seven centimeters of water. Something happened in the apartment above mine. I haven’t been in to look at anything yet.”
“Okay, hold on. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“Dongsik-ssi - you don’t need to come here. I can take care of it-“
“Don’t be silly, Joowon-ah, I’ll see you soon.” And then he hangs up.
Dongsik shows up just after the plumber does, and pretty much immediately takes over the discussions of timeline and repairs. It faintly feels like Joowon should be indignant - this is his apartment, Dongsik’s only ever visited twice before - but the exhaustion from the whole day and all the implications of the flood are hitting him, and he’s just grateful for the reprieve. The man is explaining that even though the damage was found fairly quickly, they’ll need to wait for everything to dry out, replace the flooring and some of the drywall, check the electrics, replace some wiring, and possibly perform other repairs once they’ve had a chance to inspect more fully.
It’s becoming clear that Joowon has nowhere to live for the next month, maybe two. He’s renting out his old flat in Seoul, and even from jail his father has made it known that he’s not welcome in the house.
Dongsik goes back to his car and produces a number of plastic and canvas bags and they stuff in as much of his things as seem salvageable, segregating the dry and wet items. His shoes are all in a bad state, but most of the stuff on hangers seems relatively unscathed. They have to throw out his floor lamp and several other chargers and small electronics. Quite a few books and binders full of notes look damaged beyond repair, but he stubbornly bags them up anyway.
He searches Naver as they pause near Dongsik’s car. Munju - not to mention Manyang - isn’t exactly overrun with hotels. There’s a small place near the train station which looks… acceptable, but a couple of the weekends over the next month are already sold out. The next few options look like they might have about as much mildew as the apartment he’s just vacated. “Can you drive and meet me here?” he says, showing Dongsik the place on his phone screen, but Dongsik just looks at him and laughs.
“For what? Got plans with someone?”
“What?” He always feels his awkwardness acutely when Dongsik teases him, but now it feels especially unfair. “They’ve got some vacancies until next Thursday at least. That will give me some time to sort something out.”
“Joowon-ah, don’t waste your money when I’ve got a whole house. Jihwa and Jihoon are over there right now setting up a room for you.”
He tries to protest a bit more, but Dongsik is already getting into his car and driving away. What else can Joowon do but follow him? When they arrive Jihwa and Jihoon are both still there, and together, they all unload Joowon’s things, start some laundry, and spread out the wet items to dry on tarps on Dongsik’s basement floor. They’re surprisingly efficient, and it’s not very long until Jihwa and Jihoon are saying goodnight, patting Joowon’s shoulder and telling him to call either of them if he needs anything.
They’ve put Joowon in Dongsik’s usual bedroom. He doesn’t need to ask why he’s not in one of the other two rooms. It looks like the Oh siblings have been busy while Dongsik was gone. The room has been carefully cleaned, and cleared of most of Dongsik’s things, save a few boxes in the closet and one or two drawers in the dresser. The sheets, and upon closer inspection, the mattress itself, are obviously brand new. He feels a hot stab of embarrassment at being the cause of so much fuss, not least because he actually had been a little worried about sleeping on ancient bedding. The desk on the other hand is not at all new, but it’s been cleared of the papers and books Joowon remembers being here before. He stands there in the middle of the room and looks at it, all this effort and care on his behalf. When he’d seen that water pouring out, it hadn’t at all occurred to him that he wouldn’t be dealing with this alone.
When he comes back out after unpacking a few of his things, Dongsik is pulling out a small stack of clean towels. “I’m sorry. You didn’t have to go through all this trouble. I’ll pay you back for the mattress.”
Dongsik just waves him off and keeps walking down the hall. “Nothing happened that didn’t need to be done anyway. I should be thanking you for finally getting me in gear to sort this place out a little. You can help me with some things around the house while you're here and maybe treat us all next week at Jaeyi’s if you really feel sorry.”
————————-
It’s a little scary to have all his habits and patterns presented for Dongsik’s observation and, Joowon can only assume, judgment. He can feel Dongsik’s amused gaze on him as he wrangles with a very old ironing board, and it only intensifies as he goes over every item of his freshly laundered clothes. But Dongsik doesn’t say anything to that, or when Joowon organizes all his old case notes and meticulously recopies the ones that were damaged in the flood, or when he spends almost three hours carefully cleaning Dongsik’s kitchen. Although he very much does not want Dongsik to comment on his idiosyncrasies, he’s not sure what to feel about the kindness of Dongsik’s restraint. He’s already an imposition. At least if he were being teased, he could feel like he was providing some entertainment in exchange. Despite what he’d said, Dongsik hasn’t actually put him to work yet fixing up the house. He’s barely even let Joowon cook so far.
On Friday they manage to have the first group dinner at Jaeyi’s since the flooding, and everyone is full of concern and commiserations for him.
“How is it staying with hyung?” Jihoon asks.
“Hope he’s not driving you too crazy yet,” Jiwha says.
Joowon blinks. “No, of course not. Dongsik-ssi has been a very generous host. I’m very grateful.” At his sincere statement the table breaks out in laughter.
“Our inspector Han is too polite to say, of course!”
“Yah, Dongsik, what are you paying him to get him to say such nice things?”
“Inspector Han would never take bribes!”
It’s a moment he knows all too well - when there’s a door open for him to joke along that he can’t quite manage to walk through. But Dongsik catches his eye to smile at him, and lightly rubs his arm as the conversation moves on around them. Maybe his flaws aren’t all so fatal.
Before they leave, Joowon walks over to Jaeyi standing behind the counter. “Jaeyi-ssi?” She doesn’t look up from the dishes, but nods, so he can tell that she’s listening. “I wanted to ask if you would teach me your doenjang jjigae recipe.”
She’d made it for a group dinner a couple months ago, nothing non-traditional about it, but simply perfectly balanced and flavorful. Dongsik had been full of praises for it. Joowon doesn’t cook much Korean food for himself, but he wants to try for Dongsik.
“It’s not mine. I’ve been trying to recreate my mother’s recipe.”
“Ah.” Well then. He feels ashamed to have asked. “Sorry. I wanted to make it for Dongsik. I’ll find one online.”
She gives him an assessing look. “Just wait there, I’ll write it down for you.” She dries her hands and disappears for a few minutes, and comes back with a couple of torn-out notebook pages scrawled with instructions.
“I try to make sure he’s eating. Now that you’re here, you can help too,” she says as she hands him the recipe. “I don’t like him being in that house by himself all the time.”
“Thank you. I’ll do my best.”
“I’ll come by in a few days and bring some meat. We can make enough food to freeze, so you don’t have to cook every day.”
He feels a brief flare of defensiveness - he’s perfectly capable of cooking for himself and Dongsik without anyone’s intervention - but he lets it pass. It’s good to have an ally. In the matter of Dongsik’s welfare, their interests are definitely aligned.
“That would be good. Thank you.” It feels like he should say more, but he doesn’t really know what, so he just bows to her and goes back to where Dongsik is gathering his jacket.
————————-
Since the end of his probation, Dongsik has become something of a town ombudsman in between picking up some part-time shifts as a security guard. Joowon had heard his stories before of solving various little problems, mostly sorting things out for senior citizens who still had his number from his policing days. He hadn’t realized quite how much Dongsik was really doing before moving in, nor had he expected to be dragged in himself, but knowing Dongsik, he shouldn’t have been surprised on either count.
Dongsik comes in while Joowon is organizing some notes from his recent cases. “Joowon-ah. You speak Japanese, don’t you?”
“Yes…”
“How do you feel about radish kimchi?”
It seems that an old woman who knows Dongsik has a sister who took a fall while visiting Kyoto. Joowon is on the phone translating between the sister and a doctor for a good hour, and the woman is hugely grateful. She calls Joowon a very nice young man, grips both Dongsik’s hands in hers and tells him she’s praying for his mother, and, indeed, loads them down with several containers of radish kimchi as they leave.
Dongsik nudges him with his shoulder as they walk home. “Thanks. It was good of you to do that.”
“I didn’t mind.” He liked that the woman had been so appreciative and kind to Dongsik. It’s good to see people recognize Dongsik’s value.
He makes the doenjang jjigae the very next night and sets out some of the radish kimchi on the table beside it. It’s not as accomplished as the one Jaeyi had made, but Dongsik eats two servings and squeezes Joowon’s arm on his way to the sink. Joowon looks after him until he forces his own gaze back to the table. He’s grateful that Dongsik had asked him to help, that Dongsik is letting him cook. At some point in the last year, he’d realized it - he can try as hard as he wants, but there’s nothing he can say, no action he can take, that would ever clear the debt and the penance he owes to Dongsik. Letting Joowon stay with him is just the latest entry in an unending ledger. Somehow Dongsik has forgiven and accepted him anyway. But Joowon’s determination to do anything, make any sacrifice, for Dongsik’s sake hasn’t waned at all. It’s just that Dongsik deserves every good thing, any bit of relief the world can offer, and if Joowon can be the agent of any of that, well. All the better.
————————-
A week or so later, he’s lying in bed while his mind insists on once again going through a checklist of everyone who might have seen or talked to their latest missing person, a seventeen year old girl named Park Dahye, and categorizing them according to who should be spoken to first and in what way, before he gives up on sleeping anytime soon and goes to get a glass of water. When he emerges from the kitchen, he's confronted with the sight of Dongsik carrying a pillow and a thin blanket in his arms.
“Joowon-ah? Everything okay?” It may be his exhaustion, but he thinks Dongsik looks faintly embarrassed.
He holds up his cup in explanation. “Just getting some water.”
They both hesitate, before Joowon starts to move back to the bedroom, and he sees Dongsik put down the pillow and the blanket on the sofa.
“What are you doing?”
Dongsik doesn’t look at him as he settles his things. “Gonna sleep out here.”
“Did something happen?”
No answer.
“You can have your room back,” Joowon says, unable to stop pressing. “I’ll take the couch.” He doesn't even touch the question of sleeping in Yuyeon’s room himself. He knows, from context clues more than actual discussion, that Dongsik used to sleep on the couch almost all the time, for years. But it feels important, desperately important, that he not do so now, while Joowon is here to do something about it.
“Don’t be stupid. Just go back to sleep.”
“You should sleep in your room, any room. Don’t sleep on the couch. It’s not good for your back.”
“Are you a chiropractor now?”
“Dongsik-ssi - please. I can move the mattress -“
“Drop it, Joowon.” There’s an edge to his voice now.
“We can share it, then.” It’s out before he really thinks about it. Dongsik looks at him like he’s insane. He gestures with his water cup to the room he’s been sleeping in. “Share the bed in there.”
“You’re saying that you’ll willingly sleep in the same bed? With me?”
“Yes.” Joowon is out of tactics. “Dongsik-ssi. Please.”
Dongsik is still looking at him like he’s gone completely mad, but slowly, he nods. Joowon lets out a breath of relief. He moves into the bedroom trying to affect an air of nonchalance, like this is a totally normal and unremarkable sort of occurrence, and after a beat Dongsik follows him as if to call his bluff. Joowon himself doesn’t know where this boldness came from, but he can’t find it in himself to regret it. So then he’s lying down pressed in politely as far to the wall as he can be, as Dongsik slowly situates himself on the other side and turns off the light.
He hadn’t had time to consider the realities of falling asleep right next to another person. He hasn’t even slept in the same room as someone else since boarding school. Dongsik isn’t loud or anything, but the sound of his breath and the warmth of his body is an undeniable presence filling up the quiet in the room. Joowon lies awake for a long time, long after Dongsik is asleep. He wants to ask why Dongsik keeps living here when it so obviously hurts him. He wants to know if his presence is making things better or worse.
He wakes up early the next morning, but Dongsik is already out of bed. Joowon finds him in the kitchen, making juk. It would be easy to act like it never happened. But he has to know. “Did it help?”
Dongsik pauses but doesn’t turn, keeping his back to Joowon. But as he scoops out rice for the rice cooker, he says, “Yes.”
When Joowon comes back from his shift the next afternoon, Dongsik is standing outside the house, attacking the dirt. At least that’s how it appears to Joowon, taking in Dongsik’s aggressive shoveling and the pile of leaves and clippings.
“Joowon-ah! What do you think? I’m finally making some progress out here. I thought I’d have to pull up everything, but I think the myrtle is actually salvageable!”
“You’re working on the garden?”
“If you go get some gloves and a shovel from the basement, you can help me.”
Joowon sighs and does as he’s told. Digging around in the dirt isn’t his idea of a good time, but Dongsik had asked, so. Once Joowon’s changed and returned, Dongsik busies himself with directing Joowon around the garden, mostly digging up plants that he determines can’t be saved.
Dongsik is leaning against his own shovel, no longer even making a show of helping, while Joowon tries to get up some particularly stubborn roots. Joowon, sweating, pauses for a moment to dab at his face when Dongsik says, “Those were my mother’s favorite.”
Joowon doesn’t really know what to say. This type of conversation is not his strong suit. He rests the tip of the shovel on the ground. “You can plant them again when you fix up the garden,” he tries.
“Am I fixing it? Or just making everything worse?” There’s something like a smile on Dongsik’s face, but it’s too stiff to be genuine. “Never mind.”
“What are you planning to do with the house?”
Dongsik sighs, looking down. “That’s the question, isn’t it?”
They look at the pile of dead plants for a minute before Joowon says, “I don’t think you’re making it worse, Dongsik-ssi.”
Dongsik turns away and pulls ineffectively at another weed. “Don’t you think you should call me hyung, if you’re living at my place?”
It’s obviously a deflection, but he can’t tell if Dongsik is being serious about the suggestion. It’s not like Joowon hasn’t thought about it. They’ve become even closer since Dongsik got off probation, especially since Joowon moved to Munju.
Dongsik must take his silence for disagreement, because he says, “It’s okay, take your time,” and pokes him in the side. Joowon startles, affronted, and Dongsik laughs for real. “Come on. The weeds aren’t going to pull themselves.”
———————-
“I bet she’s got a boyfriend somewhere,” Dongsik says, looking over the Park Dahye files while Joowon types. “She’s probably with him.” She had called a friend for a few minutes this morning, so they know she’s alive, and that she doesn’t seem to be in immediate danger. Other than that it’s been a bad day. He just wants to finish this report and then… he doesn’t have the energy to even think about what comes after, but at least this part will be done. He’s trying to figure how to write “our most promising lead on the Park Dahye case got spooked and ran away because of the incompetence and inability to follow protocol of my fellow officer” in a way that won’t get him demoted. He hadn’t realized he was slumped toward Dongsik, sitting next to him on the couch, until he starts to actually tip slightly to the side. Dongsik’s hand finds a grip along his arm, but rather than help steady Joowon upright, he’s destabilizing him further. Dongsik laughs once he’s fully horizontal, and nudges Joowon’s head into his lap. Joowon stiffens, shocked.
“Is this a joke? Are you making fun of me?”
“Of course not,” Dongsik says, still laughing a bit, but it really isn’t mocking. “Aigoo, our hardworking inspector. You need to get some rest. The report can wait a bit, can’t it?” His smile softens. “Are you uncomfortable?”
In one sense he is, but unfortunately, especially given his current state, Dongsik’s sincerity is sufficient to overpower any objections he might raise. Despite himself, he starts to find that it’s actually… relaxing. The tension from earlier is slowly draining away. After a little while Dongsik absently puts a hand in Joowon’s hair and brushes slowly against Joowon's scalp. He’s laughing along with whatever variety show is playing, but Joowon’s mind is completely quiet as he lies there with his head against Dongsik's warm thigh. He drifts off a little, not quite sleeping, but as he slowly comes back to full awareness he finds the TV volume turned way down and Dongsik’s hand still resting in his hair.
Absurdly, it might be one of the nicest experiences of Joowon’s entire life.
“Hyung,” he says eventually, just to test it out. He hasn’t moved his head so he can’t really see, but he can sense Dongsik look down at him, surprised. “Thank you for taking me in.”
The hand in his hair presses, just slightly, against his skin.
“Joowon-ah,” Dongsik says softly, “you’re welcome,” and nothing more.
———————-
Between their three schedules it’s taken almost two weeks to find a time for it, but as promised, Jaeyi comes by one night to help Joowon cook.
“Do I need to go out and get anything? Make me a list and I’ll go to the grocery store right now.” Dongsik’s been hovering almost anxiously since they got here, but Joowon and Jaeyi have already been texting all day.
“No need, ahjussi,” she says. She picks up a beer - Joowon had bought those - and sends him off towards the living room. “We’ve got it all under control.”
“I’m a grown man who’s capable of cooking for myself, you know.”
“Yes, yes,” Jaeyi says.
They’re a pretty good team. Since they’re cooking Korean food, he lets Jaeyi take the lead. He’s cutting mushrooms and onions as Jaeyi prepares the meat.
“Did you make the doenjang jjigae?” she asks him as they work.
“I did.”
“And?”
“It was very good, thank you, though not as good as yours. Dongsik asked me to tell you how much he enjoyed it.”
She puts down the knife she was holding and just leans against the kitchen counter. “Are you going to be okay, after this?”
He stiffens. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“You’re really going to be fine just moving back to your place alone?”
It’s a bit like having his insides scraped out on a plate for someone else’s examination. Not that there’s anything there for her to see. “I’m grateful to him. But it's not like I can stay here forever.”
“Hmm.” She doesn’t say anything more on the subject as they finish cooking, but there is a sense that the matter hasn’t really been dropped.
Jaeyi stays for dinner, and they all pull out beers and sit down to the meal. Dongsik eats with gusto. Joowon’s more satisfied to see him enjoy the food than he is to eat the meal himself, though he’s not shy to admit he and Jaeyi did a good job.
“This is delicious. I should be the one cooking for you two hardworking young people, though I don’t think I could manage anything like this.”
“It seems like you keep perfectly busy on your own,” Jaeyi says. “What have you been up to lately?”
“Oh, you know. This and that.”
“You said you were going to help at the community center on Thursday,” Joowon offers, and doesn’t understand why Dongsik winces until Jaeyi looks up sharply.
“Why are you still going over there, ahjussi? That woman is a nightmare.”
“It’s not the kids’ fault that she’s a bit difficult.”
“She’s horrible,” this is addressed to Joowon, “to everyone, but she really has it out for Dongsik, for some reason.”
“She’s exaggerating,” Dongsik protests. “She’s not the friendliest person, but it’s nothing I can’t handle.”
Jaeyi pulls Joowon aside before she leaves. “See if you can find an excuse to go there with him,” she says. “She might not be as bad if there’s a buffer.”
Dongsik insists on washing up, but Joowon stands in the kitchen as he works. “I’m not busy on Thursday afternoon,” he says. “Maybe I can come with you to help.”
The look he gets over Dongsik’s shoulder makes it clear that he’s not fooling anyone, but Dongsik says, “Sure, if you like. It’s always good to have you along.”
———————-
He has an unavoidable shift on Thursday morning, but for once he finishes on time, which means he arrives at the community center about two and a half hours after Dongsik had. He pulls his car into the small parking lot and makes his way inside. Judging by its outside, it has seen better days, but indoors it’s surprisingly decent. The walls are freshly painted - Joowon has a suspicion that Dongsik is responsible for that - and the floors are a bit worn, but clean. He looks inside an empty classroom, then a room that looks like a space to serve meals, and finally finds Dongsik in a second classroom, or maybe some kind of multi-use space. It’s a bit hard to tell because all the furniture in the room has been piled into a corner, which itself is almost covered by a bunch of miscellaneous items - reams of paper, packets of pens, and so on. Next to that is a pile of disassembled worn-out boards, which are evidently the remains of a large shelving unit. Dongsik is sitting in front of a flat-pack box and studying the instructions. He smiles when he sees Joowon come in. “Joowon-ah, perfect timing. You can help me figure all this out.”
Joowon comes to sit down beside him on the ground and together they spread out the different sets of connectors, organize the boards by type and start to work on one side of the frame.
“I bet you’ve never had occasion to put together this cheap stuff,” Dongsik teases him as they align a corner. He hasn’t, of course. All his furniture was purchased pre-assembled or fixed up by workers.
“It’s not so hard.” It’s even a little fun, like a puzzle, though less so when they realize they’ve put in one of the pieces upside down and have to redo it. Once they get the shelves together inside the frame, they need to flip the whole thing to attach the back panel. It hadn’t been evident earlier because they’d mostly been sitting or standing still, but when they get up to reposition the cabinet, it’s impossible for Dongsik to hide the fact that he’s limping.
“Hyung!” Joowon says, shocked into informality.
“It’s fine, Joowon. It was already bothering me a little this morning. It just got a bit aggravated because I had to move the tables and chairs around.”
“You came here knowing that you were already in pain?”
Dongsik grimaces. “Well, when you put it like that.”
“Let’s go,” Joowon says firmly. “I’ll drive. Jaeyi and I can come back for your car. Do you need to see a doctor?”
“Goodness, what a fuss you’re making. My leg hurts sometimes, it’s not a big deal.”
“Can you walk? Or should I help you to the car?”
He sighs. “Fine, fine. I can walk.”
On their way to the parking lot - Joowon had not pressed the issue of Dongsik walking unassisted, but he is keeping a close eye out for any expressions of pain or discomfort - a woman around Dongsik’s age emerges from a different part of the building. It’s not hard to guess from her expression that this is the person Jaeyi warned him about.
“Oh, are you leaving already? Are the shelves already done?” she says, outwardly saccharine but with an obvious undertone of displeasure.
“As you can see, Dongsik-ssi is injured,” Joowon interjects coolly before Dongsik can say anything. “I’m afraid we won’t be able to finish today.”
She raises an eyebrow. “I wasn’t informed there would be an additional… helper. Have we met before?”
“No. I’m Han Joowon.” He pointedly doesn’t offer any other information or a bow.
“I’m the assistant director here, Kim Heeyoung. I’m in charge of monitoring the work in the building.”
“We’ll come back to finish it next week. Inspector Han is a bit overprotective.” Dongsik’s interjection doesn’t succeed in breaking through the tension.
“Oh?” She makes a show of pressing her hand to her cheek. “So you’ve just left everything lying around? Oh dear. There are supposed to be groups using that room tomorrow morning, you know.”
“I’m sure you’re not suggesting that he aggravate his injuries further. Perhaps if Lee Dongsik-ssi had had any assistance moving things in the first place, the whole job would be finished by now.” He glares at her pointedly.
The woman’s smile is patronizingly calm, as if Joowon is a child throwing a tantrum. “I must stay at work in the office, I’m afraid.” She lowers her voice. Dongsik is pretending not to hear, but he’s not even standing that far away. “We do keep money in there, which can’t be left unattended. I understand he has a… legal history.”
Joowon feels so incandescently angry that for a moment he almost can’t see. A whole spectrum of wild, white hot impulses race through him, which he only barely manages to restrain. “I trust you’ll be able to find someone to sort it out who doesn’t have quite so much history, then,” he says in his iciest tone, and without any further word, walks away.
Through a great effort of will, Joowon doesn’t say anything until they get back into the house. Once Dongsik is settled on the couch with a bag of frozen vegetables in a towel pressed against his leg, Joowon rounds on him.
“I really don’t understand what you were thinking.”
“Joowon-ah, let’s not start this again. We’re back home, right?”
“She was awful! Why would you help them and get yourself hurt?”
“Adults can say what they want. The kids will benefit from that place whether their parents like me or not. You just met the worst of the bunch; they do actually do some good work, you know.”
“But why now, when your leg is in pain?”
“Come on, it’s nothing. I’m not a child. I said that I would do it, didn’t I?”
“It doesn’t have to be you, especially if you’re hurt! They don’t even respect you!”
“Are you actually angry with me?” Dongsik says, half-laughing.
“Does it hurt you to have me here?” He hadn’t known he was going to say that. The smile drops off Dongsik’s face. “I know you aren’t sleeping well. But you never complain, or ask me to leave. You should.”
“Joowon-ah.”
“I’m not actually that pathetic, you know. I could have found somewhere else.”
“Joowon-ah,” Dongsik says again, and then just stops, looks down. “I guess I’ll have to take better care of myself.” He kind of smiles, and there’s a hard, painful edge in it.
“Sleep in there tonight,” Joowon says, gesturing to the bedroom that he’s been staying in.
“Oh? Are you so eager to share again?” Joowon had been intending to sleep on the couch this time, but a hot flush rises in him at the thought of it.
Dongsik is looking at Joowon with a faint challenge on his face, as if he’s just waiting for Joowon to sputter and object, even though Joowon was the one to suggest it first. If he thinks Joowon would say no to anything that might remotely help or please him, he really is crazy.
So that night he finds himself once again trying to occupy as narrow a space as possible as Dongsik settles in next to him, overthinking everything. Was it too strange to suggest this? Is Dongsik just going along with this to indulge Joowon’s whims, against his own wishes?
It’s harder to fall asleep with all these thoughts circling, but he manages eventually. He wakes up in the early morning to find that they’ve shifted closer to each other in the night; Dongsik’s back is pressed along the line of Joowon’s arm. Despite all of his anxieties, it’s so nice to lie here at Dongsik’s side. His stomach swoops, thinking of his abortive conversation with Jaeyi. He doesn’t want to go back to his apartment. He’ll miss this, being so close to Dongsik all the time. Though he told everyone it was because he’d gotten a taste for the countryside, he’d moved to Munju for Dongsik. Just to be in his orbit, like an asteroid circling around a star.
Sometimes celestial forces can knock an asteroid towards its center of gravity. Usually they burn up on contact. Maybe that’s what’s happening to him.
Dongsik stirs and turns over, opens his eyes. It only occurs to Joowon that it might seem creepy to be watching him while he sleeps once it’s too late and they’ve already made eye contact. But Dongsik just gives him a tired smile. “Sleep well, Joowon-ah?”
“I did. Did you?”
“Yeah.” He stretches his arms a bit. “Yeah. I slept really well.”
“Then you should sleep here again tonight.” Fuck it. He’ll burn if he has to.
Dongsik looks at him for a still, searching moment longer. “All right. If you insist.” He sits up, runs a hand through Joowon’s hair, and smiles as Joowon stares back at him, throat tight. “Get up, young master. I’ll make breakfast today.”
“You mean you’ll heat up what I made yesterday,” Joowon says, but there’s not any real annoyance behind it.
Dongsik laughs. “Exactly!”
———————-
After his next morning shift, Joowon stops by the grocery store on his way back to the house. When he arrives, Dongsik is nowhere in sight. He finishes putting the food away and then goes to search. He’s not in the living room or the basement. He wasn’t in the garden. His car is still parked outside, and it doesn’t seem likely he went far on foot given the state of his leg.
Slowly Joowon opens the door to Yuyeon’s room, and Dongsik is standing there, silent. Joowon comes in and stands beside him, and they just look at the room together. He wonders what she was like. What it’s like for Dongsik to still be living within all the artifacts of her life.
“I don’t know what I should do with this house,” Dongsik says in a low voice. “Jihwa thinks I should fix it up and sell it. Move someplace newer, smaller. I bet you do too.”
“Dongsik-ssi, I wouldn’t presume to-“ At Dongsik’s wave his mouth clicks shut.
“It’s not doing anyone any good to leave it like this. I know that. But I just -” He huffs. “Every time I come in here and think about moving things around, changing it all, I just -“
Joowon tentatively puts his hand on Dongsik’s back. “I think you should do what you want.”
“You don’t think I should sell it?”
“That’s not what I mean. I think - you can’t choose the wrong choice. I mean, whatever you choose will be the right choice.”
Dongsik is quiet again for a while. “What if I do choose wrong?”
“You won’t. You couldn’t.”
“I’m not so sure.”
“You don’t have to decide today.”
“I’ve put it off for twenty years.”
“Still.”
The next day, he calls Dongsik from his car, parked outside a small apartment building on the outskirts of Munju. “We found Park Dahye.”
“She okay?”
“You were right. There’s an older boyfriend. She was keeping it from her parents, and then she went to stay with him.”
She’s back with her family now, and she hadn’t been happy to be found, but that’s how it is sometimes. The purpose of this job is not to gain praise or accolades. Still, when Dongsik says, “Good work, Inspector,” he feels it right down to the bone.
———————-
His stay at Dongsik’s is winding down. The workers at his place have been assuring him every day that they’ll be done within a week. He almost hates them for their assiduousness. Couldn’t they be a bit lazier?
Since the day at the community center, they’ve been sleeping in the same bed every night. As he packs up his things from where they’ve migrated to various corners of the house, he thinks a lot about Jaeyi’s question.
And finally it’s finished. The contractor says they’ll leave his keys with the building’s security, and he can move back in the very next day. That last night, he makes Dongsik doenjang jjigae again. Dongsik had suggested a dinner with everyone, but secretly Joowon was pleased when Jaeyi claimed a conflict and it had to be rescheduled - he wants this evening to be just the two of them.
As they eat Dongsik updates him a bit about the woman who’d given them the radish kimchi, whose sister has evidently returned safely to Korea, and some changes that are happening at his job, but mostly they’re quiet. It’s not uncomfortable. After dinner they sit on the couch and drink a little more with the TV on. And then they go to bed.
As usual, Dongsik has moved close enough to the edge to leave a wide berth, but Joowon doesn’t follow his lead. He can feel the sharp intake of breath as Joowon pulls close along his back, and fits his arm around Dongsik’s waist.
“Han Joowon.”
Joowon’s heart is beating so hard, but he doesn’t respond. He just presses his forehead against Dongsik’s shoulder blade and pulls their bodies closer together.
“Joowon-ah,” but evidently Dongsik doesn’t know where to go from there. He fits his hand around Joowon’s but doesn’t make any attempt to dislodge Joowon’s arm. And then their hands are tangling against each other, Dongsik’s thumb rubbing across his knuckles.
“I love you,” Joowon says, for the first time in his life, into Dongsik’s shoulder. He had imagined it might be difficult to actually say the words, but it’s not. Once he let himself fully form the thought, it would burn him to keep it in. “Dongsik-ssi, hyung, I’m in love with you.”
Dongsik doesn’t visibly react right away. Eventually, very slowly, he moves their joined hands and just presses Joowon’s fingers against his mouth. Joowon can’t say anything else; the confession’s swept through him like a fire. Just as slowly, he turns over so they’re face to face and his thumb rests against Joowon’s jaw.
“You’re sure?”
“Yes. I’m sure.”
“You’re going to tie yourself down? To me?”
Joowon shakes his head. “It’s not tying down. I just love you.”
Keeping his hand on Joowon’s cheek, he moves in close - barely a kiss, just their mouths brushing. He does it again, and Joowon gasps, his lips parting.
And then they’re really kissing. It breaks like thunder. It feels like he might really die if they aren’t touching in as many places as possible. When they finally break apart for a moment they don’t even move far enough away to properly look at each other; Joowon’s nose is still resting against Dongsik’s cheek. They breathe into each other’s mouths, clutching at each other. Then Dongsik starts laughing like he can’t believe it. “Joowon-ah. I love you.” His laughter hitches until it’s almost a sob. “Shit. I really love you.”
That sets them off again. They keep going for a long time, til Joowon’s lips feel tender and bruised with it. Don’t be apart from me, he thinks as they kiss and kiss again. I want to stay by your side for the rest of my life.
The next morning they get out of bed slowly. They both look at Joowon’s bags neatly lined up in the front hallway, neither of them speaking. Finally Dongsik scuffs his slipper against the floor. “Jihwa said she knows a good realtor in Munju.” It lingers on the air, but Joowon doesn’t dare, can’t, reply. His throat is sealed with wax. “I was thinking that I’ll need somewhere to stay while I do some real renovations on this place, maybe move some walls around, redo the bathrooms. And you know, once a place has flooded, even if they fix it up, it might get mold in it again. I don’t think we can have our fine Inspector Han living somewhere like that. We could look for something -“
He doesn’t get to finish his sentence because Joowon has crossed to him and kissed him, pulling their bodies together, and Dongsik’s pulling him even closer, smiling so much they almost can’t keep kissing, but they do. Joowon’s hands are in his hair, and Dongsik’s are around his waist, and when they finally stop they just sway there for a moment, still entwined, like a reed in the wind. “Yes,” Joowon says.