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Jasper was not feeling good.
He was curled on the bed he shared with Alice, with fingers digging into his ribs, jaw clenched so tight it felt like his teeth would shatter, he had stopped breathing long ago, eyes fixated on the trees outside in a failed attempt to focus on something, anything, that wasn't the razorblades slicing his insides open.
Because as if Bella giving birth hadn't been enough to put a dent in his comfort zone this sure as hell had ripped it open and left a bleeding wound behind that just got bigger and bigger with each passing second, festering .
He could feel Bella's transformation.
And Christ, after leaving the South he never thought he would ever have to feel that kind of torture again, he couldn't even move a single inch without feeling like his skin would fall off his bones.
It felt like he was being skinned alive, like razors writhing around his brain, rushing through his veins, filling his long dead organs, pinning his articulations, stabbing through his muscles and nerves.
A sound stuck at the back of his throat as a particular wave seized his insides with blazing fire, talons of acid that dug inside him and tore him open from the inside out, he saw white, heard a crack somewhere downstairs, right, she did have broken bones , he flinched, curling even more, face against the pillow as he fought back the urge to scream.
He wouldn't do something as humiliating as that, he refused to let other people's emotions control him to such a level, this wasn't his pain, he wasn't on fire, he wasn't burning, nothing was wrong with him, he was fine.
He was fine.
But that was easier said than done, it didn't matter how much he claimed to be fine, knowing that he wasn't on fire, he still could do nothing but shake and beg for it all to be over.
And he wished he had left when he still had the chance, but he hadn't fed in weeks, and Bella's pain from delivering had disoriented him enough as it was, it was a miracle in itself that he even managed to keep it together enough to fight the wolves and not get killed.
He had hoped to not feel a thing, I mean, Bella was under a lot of morphine.
He was wrong.
She didn't seem to feel a thing considering she was as quiet as death, but he did, somehow.
God did he feel it.
He couldn't get up even if he wanted to, he felt much safer here than having to sit in the forest on his own while he fought to put his emotions back in order.
He could ask Alice, but he didn't want to take her from the house at such a moment, he knew she was worried about Bella and was excited to see her as a vampire, he didn't want to bother her.
So, suffering in silence was it.
He didn't know for how long he laid there, feeling miserable and wishing for death to come, but at some point he heard the door open, felt the bed sink beside him, a hand resting on his head as the concern sizzled across the air, joining the cocktail of torture.
He cursed the pathetic moan that caught at the back of his throat, he's always been proud of his resistance to pain, but right now? Right now he can't stop shaking, can't stop flinching with each burst of deafening pain, he wants to rip his skin off and bury himself alive , in the past he was able to stand a vampire's transformation, somewhat, but yesterday and today had been absolutely taxing, the entire friggin month has been so.
With Bella's constant pain and hunger, the whole house's thirst and turmoil of mixed feelings due the situation, the wolves' rage and murder intent outside, the lingering stench of human blood in the air when he was starving, the constant reek of dog, Bella delivering, the fight with the wolves, and now this?
Not even soothing Bella's discomforts for a while a few days ago had made the growing ill feeling fade.
It felt like the world had become nothing but a giant ball of screams, fire and weights that sat in his chest, growing, festering . He doesn't ever remember feeling as overwhelmed as he did right now, not even while he was in the South. And he had no idea how to stop it, it felt like his chest would explode. Was that even possible?
“Jazz?” Alice's voice was soft, but it felt like a speaker hammering into his eardrums. It made him bite down on his bottom lip until he tasted venom, a whimper caught at the back of his throat, a sound that would have horrified him had he not been in so much pain. He needed to get out of here, he wanted to get out of here.
“Please, help me outside.” His voice came out like a foreign faraway broken echo that he couldn't quite process or even recognize as his own, fingers clutching his ribs even harder, there's a knot in his chest, so tight, it grows and grows with each passing second.
And still.
He was glad when Alice nodded at him, that was one of the things he loved most about her, same as he never questioned her odd requests, she didn't question his.
She helped him sit up, and sitting up did not help with his growing headache or nausea.
“Come on.” Getting up was a feat he never thought would feel so near impossible.
But he got up.
Alice wrapped her arm around his waist, leading him out of the room, the walls were spinning, vision zooming in and out as he stumbled, he had to stop for a moment, clutching his stomach as the nausea became almost unbearable, his eyes squeezing shut.
And for a moment, he had the horrifying feeling that he might end up throwing up in the middle of the hall.
“It's alright, come on, the sooner we get you out the sooner you will feel better.” Alice told softly, beckoning him to keep on walking, she made sure to keep a tighter grip on him as they climbed down the stairs, keeping him close to the safety bars so he could support himself through them too.
A fall wouldn't hurt him, didn't mean she was about to let him fall.
“Alice?” Carlisle's sudden voice caught her attention, pulling her to an abrupt stop, she turned to look at him over her shoulder. She could see the question on his face, understandable, Jasper never told the Cullens that other people's emotions sometimes could affect him to this extent.
That that side effect was the reason he even used his gift on Bella a few days ago, not to relieve her solely, but to also relieve himself.
“He's fine, he just needs to go out for a while.” Was the answer she gave before hurrying Jasper out of the backdoor, better not dwell much on questions or answers, right now he needed to be out, she's never seen it get this bad before, but she wouldn't just stand and watch as he suffers.
Meanwhile, Jasper felt like he was being suffocated, by razor blades , his vision swimming, world spinning around, chest so tight he had to stop breathing altogether for it did nothing but worsen it.
He feels the turmoil of emotions grow further and further, the pain, but it does nothing to rid him of the bomb inside his chest, the razorblades, the heat, he wants to scream.
But he doesn't.
Jasper has always been amazing at keeping his emotions in check, it was something he knew Alice hated.
But he wasn't her, he wasn't normal, he couldn't just let go.
Not with his kind of gift, he needed to be in control at all times or people would be hurt, like how his anger had made the newborns twice as volatile while he was in the South, his depression leading to their deaths in the battlefield, the depression that had been affecting Peter and Charlotte even after he left the South, reason he had decided to go on on his own.
When he met Alice, he had decided to never let his emotions get the best of him, he's trained his gift, and he had an outstanding control over it, but sometimes, if his emotions got the best of him, be it positive or negative, he found himself projecting.
An habit he had learnt to get rid off during his first two years with Alice, she hadn't been bothered, but he had, he had been bothered over his own weakness and lack of control.
But this past month destroyed everything he's ever worked for.
He was at the end of his rope.
It was all too much.
Something he hasn't heard from himself since he was human breaks out as his vision blurs.
A sob.
The sound itself horrifies him, but there's nothing he can do as the tears overflow and fall down his cheeks, venomous tears streaming down his face against his will.
And God, it's so humiliating, but he can't stop them .
Sobs coming out without him being able to stop them at all, he brought his hand up against his mouth as he came to an abrupt halt, fighting to stop the sounds, begging for this to stop, but it wouldn't, the tears kept coming, sobs wrecking through his whole body as he shook with the force of his sobs, why wouldn't it stop? Why wouldn't it stop? God, how could he be so pathetic?
He grabbed onto a tree, fingers digging through the wood in frustration as he crouched down in a failed attempt to hide from sight, his other hand pressing against his mouth as more sobs came out, tears refusing to stop as he cried, and it wouldn't stop, the knot in his chest had snapped.
Like a dam crumbling down after holding weight past its limit for much too long, and it was now spilling out in the form of these traitorous tears that wouldn't stop no matter how hard he tried to.
And he hates it.
Hates it even more when Alice appears before him, her arms wrapping around him, hates it because her hug just makes more tears burst out.
And he feels pathetic.
Because he's supposed to be the strong one, he's supposed to be the one who comforts her, the one who protects her, not the other way around.
And still, he latches onto her embrace, desperate for her comfort, for her touch, he drinks into her calming emotions like a hysterical person, desperately aiming to ground himself, to stop this overwhelming and terribly humiliating situation.
He doesn't know for how long he cries, all he knows is that everytime he thinks it will stop it only comes back with a raging force, he's crying over every single thing he hasn't cried over through his whole life, old memories, old voices, everything is so overwhelming, and he can't make it stop.
All he can do is cry and sob and bite his tongue in frustration, because this is not the way his body should act , he shouldn't cry.
“‘m sorry.” Is all he manages to whisper, a voice he can barely recognize as his own, broken, pathetic . A hand rests at the back of his head, so gentle it makes his chest burn even worse.
“Don't be, it's okay.” Alice's voice is soft as she speaks, honest, there's no judgment, not in her voice, not in her emotions.
Just warmth.
Comfort.
Calm.
Sadness.
Love .
“Why didn't you tell me earlier that it was that bad? We could have left before it got to this.” Alice said, still stroking his hair.
“... I thought I could handle it, I've done it in the past… guess I was wrong.” Jasper muttered, cursing at his shaky voice, at the stupid tears, at the fire in his chest, at everything that's keeping him from ending this pathetic display.
Christ, the house wasn't even that far, he didn't need the Cullens hearing such humiliating things as that of him breaking down, he didn't want to deal with questions nor worried looks nor whatever the hell would they feel the need to regard him with.
It was bad enough his stupid display might have been heard, the kind of things it could expose, he didn't want them nor anyone at all to know.
No one needed to know about his gift's double edge, they would just seize the knowledge and use it against him.
“Why didn't you leave?” Alice's question was laced with confusion, Jasper bit his tongue.
“I didn't wanna be outside alone.” He ended up confessing, one thing was having to deal with the Cullens, but this was Alice , while he's never cried infront of her she's seen worse and much more humiliating sides of him.
Doesn't make it any less humiliating though.
“I could have come with you.” Alice said, her voice soft. Jasper shook his head against her shoulder.
“Bella's yet to wake up, I know how much you've waited for this, I couldn't possibly take you away from that.” His words got an unexpected bout of shock in Alice's emotions, he didn't think he liked her pushing him back from her, because facing her meant having her seeing how terribly pathetic he looked right now.
And still, she grabbed his face between her hands in quite the strong grip.
“You can't possibly be insinuating that I would rather stay to wait for her to wake up when it's clear she's perfectly fine than to help you, you who is actually not fine. She needs to go straight out to hunt when she wakes up anyways, so none of us but Edward will be seeing her the moment she wakes up, I would've still had a lot of time to keep you company and help you. You didn't need to stay up there and torture yourself needlessly.”
And even so, Alice would have still chosen to be with Jasper, Bella was fine and she would wake up , she had Edward on top of it all, Jasper had needed her, he was more important, how could he just keep quiet and force himself to endure things he didn't had to endure in the first place?
All so as to not "inconvenience" her? Was he dumb? He could never inconvenience her, didn't he know by now that she would always drop everything and anything for him if he so much as asked her to?
She should have paid better attention, he had been hurting this past month, had gone as far as using his gift to soothe Bella in an attempt to relieve himself, but she guessed not even that had done much, and that adding the starvation, the pain from Bella delivering, the fight with the wolves…
God, now that she thought about it… no wonder he had ended up breaking down like this, how had he been able to bear it all for so long? Alice didn't think she would have been able to hold out for as long as he did.
He truly was amazing.
“... I didn't think it would matter, she's quiet, I thought the morphine would keep it all as quiet as she is. But the pain's still there, 'm not sure how she ain't screamin', nor even makin' a single sound, but the pain's still there, the morphine's done nothin' to diminish a single little pinch of it. It's as intense and terrible as always.” Jasper told as a statement of fact, not sure what to do with Alice's emotions.
He hadn't expected her to be so upset over him not telling her, though he guessed he should have seen it coming, she never liked it when he hid his pain or discomfort.
“You were feeling the pain of her transformation?” Alice asked, horror filling her over such thought, she didn't remember her transformation, but Jasper told her once in quite the graphic detail how it felt.
Like fire rushing through your veins, burning everything in its path, organs, nerves, bones, muscles, flesh, every single inch of your body was being eaten by fire, even your very eyes.
The idea that he had been feeling that, or something much worse considering it wasn't happening to him but to someone else … how the hell had he been so willing to not leave the house? To just take it?
“Sort of.”
“What's that supposed to mean?”
“... She delivered last night, that… was much more intense than I expected, I didn't have much time to get it together with that of the wolves arrivin'. So I guess it was a bit amplified 'cause I was still runnin' with the previous overstimulation.”
That… didn't sound good.
“Are you feeling better now?” Alice questioned, stroking his cheeks with her thumbs, wiping away the remaining tears. To be honest? Seeing him cry was possibly the most frightening thing she's ever seen him do.
Because this was Jasper, he never cried , Alice had a hard time getting it out of him whenever he felt upset as it was, so to see him losing it like that… it felt as if something in the world was horribly wrong, it had made her want to grab him and hide him away, hide him away so no one could ever harm him again.
“Have had better days.” His words didn't appease her much.
“That doesn't answer the question.”
Silence.
“Jazz?”
More silence.
“Hey, talk to me.” Alice requested, tracing one of the scars on his cheek.
“... I would like to leave for a few days. 'm… everythin's too loud now, and 'm just so tired of it all.” Jasper confessed, because it was true, he was tired, so tired of the many emotions all over the place, usually, he could just focus on Alice and ignore the others.
But after last night… he had reached his limit, and if he didn't leave the next thing breaking out won't be his tears.
It will be his gift.
And that won't end well, not for him, and certainly not for others, last time it happened newborns ended up killing each other .
María had not been happy about that.
“Alright, wanna go alone or do you want me to go with you?” Alice asked softly, Jasper leaned forward, burying his face into the crook of her neck.
“You should stay here.” Came the muffled answer, Alice narrowed her eyes.
“Because you don't want me to go with you or because you think it's a better idea?” She questioned, because she had the feeling he was doing so more out of not wanting her to leave the Cullens, and what the hell was it with him now?
Since when did he start pushing her away like that?
Why would she choose to be with the Cullens over being with him when he needed her most? In what universe did he think she would rather hang around and have fun while he is left alone to suffer? That's not how this worked. They were supposed to be a team, that's how marriage worked.
But silence was her answer.
All he did was grip her shirt and stay quiet.
And Alice had no idea what else to do, this has never happened before, she had no idea what to do aside from holding him and focusing on all the positive emotions she could, he's never been this unresponsive, this… hesitant? She didn't even know what to call it.
What was she supposed to do when he was refusing to even talk to her?
“Are you still in pain? Do you feel uncomfortable? Do you want something?”
A shake of the head was his answer, Alice still didn't feel much convinced, but she let him be, he was sitting on the ground, so she took it to sit on his lap, fingers carding through his hair.
She wondered if this was what Peter had meant, about the negative effects Jasper's gift could have on Jasper himself.
Meanwhile, Jasper fought to put himself back together , but he was failing, miserably , because all he could focus on was on how hollow his chest felt, how strong the need to cry again was becoming, God, he had almost forgotten how terribly overwhelming it was when his gift overloaded, but again, it's never been this bad.
He just wanted to bury himself, shut everything out and act like the world was mute.
But he couldn't do that because shutting it all out made him feel claustrophobic, like he had gone blind.
He wanted to leave, and he wanted Alice to come with him, but he also knew he couldn't leave, not when Bella was a newborn, what if the Cullens couldn't handle her? He needed to make sure she wouldn't do something stupid, Alice would be sad if something happened to her or one of the Cullens.
But God, the world was so loud right now.