Work Text:
The following is a series of transcripts relating to the suspects of a bank robbery that occurred on the 12th of June, 20XX.
These files are to be used for training or research purposes only.
Please return to the archives when done.
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[June 13th 20XX, 12:49 AM]
[TRANSCRIPT BEGINS]
PAUL: Tommy Innit?
TOMMY: No.
PAUL: ... no what?
TOMMY: I won't talk.
PAUL: [A sigh.] I just wanted to make sure that was your name. That wasn't even one of the questions I'm supposed to ask.
TOMMY: Yeah, sure. Sounds like a trick to me.
PAUL: [quietly] I swear to- [louder] Look, I just have a few routine questions to ask. The sooner I get through these, the sooner we can both be done. Does that sound good to you?
TOMMY: ... fine.
PAUL: Alright then. Is your name Tommy Innit?
TOMMY: No. [A pause.] Yes.
PAUL: Thank you. Now... you were outside the downtown Central Bank at approximately 11:30 PM this evening, correct?
TOMMY: I dunno.
PAUL: What do you mean, 'you don't know'?
TOMMY: What, you think I know time? Am I supposed to carry around a f****** cuckoo clock with me? Or a f******- I dunno, a sundial? Look up at the f****** stars? 'Ah, yes, I see that it's once again cloudy. What a surprise. I guess time just doesn't exist anymore.' And like- I mean, time's kind of a construct anyway, you know?
PAUL: There's- there's this wonderful invention called a watch, actually.
TOMMY: Are you being sarcastic? You do know that's highly unprofessional of you, Paul.
PAUL: [A sigh.] It's Detective Paul, if you don't mind.
TOMMY: You're correcting me? The witness? Isn't there- you know what, objection, leading the witness!
PAUL: First off, I'm pretty sure that's not the right objection. And second, this isn't a courtroom, you can't- okay. Fine. Were you at the bank tonight?
TOMMY: What's that supposed to prove?
PAUL: It's- I'm just asking these questions to get a baseline on how you react. So I can tell if you're telling the truth when we get to later questions.
TOMMY: What if I just lied about literally everything?
PAUL: Then... I'd know you were lying about literally everything.
TOMMY: Oh.
PAUL: So you were at the bank?
TOMMY: Well- yeah.
PAUL: And you were there with some friends, correct?
TOMMY: No.
PAUL: I swear to- look. Kid. We have a picture of you and your friends from surveillance footage. I already know this stuff.
TOMMY: But... I wasn't there with them.
PAUL: I already told you, lying about everything doesn't work. Can you explain to me, in your own words, what you were doing there?
TOMMY: Why?
PAUL: This is your chance to tell me why I should believe you didn't rob the bank.
TOMMY: Oh! Alright then. So basically, I was just walking about the streets, as one does at various hours of the night. And I see some people standing in front of the bank. 'That's strange,' I think to myself, and I go over to see what's happening. And it's my friends. And we just kinda stood there and did not rob a bank or do any other illegal things.
PAUL: Mhm... sure. A bunch of people with bags, wearing face masks, standing in front of a bank in the middle of the night, at right about the same time as a robbery occurred, and not causing trouble. Not that I'm accusing you guys of robbing the bank, but you'll have to give a better answer than that. You've told me what you didn't do, so what did you do?
TOMMY: Drugs.
PAUL: Really? You were doing drugs?
TOMMY: Wait, no, that was a joke. I didn't mean that-
PAUL: [A sigh.] Just... just tell the truth, alright? Then we can both be on our way.
TOMMY: Fine.
[A pause.]
TOMMY: So picture this, right. It's the middle of the night. No cars anywhere. What's the most fun thing you could possibly do in that situation?
PAUL: I'm sure I don't know.
TOMMY: Stand in the middle of the street, because you're not going to get hit by a car if it's the middle of the night.
PAUL: That's... not how that works. But say I believe you on this. You're just standing in the street for no reason whatsoever. What's with the bags?
TOMMY: I mean, you're gonna get hungry eventually, and then you'll wish you thought to bring snacks. B****.
PAUL: Yours was entirely empty, except for an annoying amount of glitter. Which brings up a different point, actually- what was with the glitter?
TOMMY: What does that have to do with anything?
PAUL: I'm genuinely curious. Also, the bag had a... bagel, I think, painted on. Why would you put a bagel-
TOMMY: Bagels? I love bagels! Bagels are round.
PAUL: I'm... I'm aware of that, yes.
TOMMY: The sun is round! The sun is yellow. Bananas are yellow. Bananas have spots. Spots live a long life.
PAUL: What the f*** does that mean.
TOMMY: Life? That's the name of my favorite cereal!
PAUL: Right, forget I asked-
TOMMY: One time I went to the store and Life was ten dollars
[A pause.]
TOMMY: [slowly] Ten. Dollars.
PAUL: Look, I don't know what you're doing with this whole-
TOMMY: Ten dollars? That's crazy! So crazy that I went crazy. My mom locked me in my closet for two weeks straight-
PAUL: Hold on, what?
TOMMY: -and fed me nothing but bagels. Bagels? I love bagels!
PAUL: I swear to all that is holy, if you actually-
TOMMY: Bagels are round.
PAUL: Alright, we're done here. I'm done here.
[A chair screeches.]
PAUL: [mumbled] How long 'til retirement, again?
[TRANSCRIPT ENDS]
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[June 13th 20XX, 1:17 AM]
[TRANSCRIPT BEGINS]
PAUL: Alright... Ranboo Beloved, correct?
RANBOO: Yep! Yeah, that's me.
PAUL: Can you look over this information for me really quick and tell me if it's correct?
[A pause.]
RANBOO: Looks right, yeah.
PAUL: Thank goodness.
RANBOO: What do you mean? Is it usually wrong?
PAUL: No, I'm just happy to get a straightforward answer for once. One of your friends insisted on this whole thing about bagels- he wouldn't stop repeating the same thing over and over. All I got from him was a headache.
RANBOO: Aww, I'm sorry about that.
PAUL: It's alright. I'm pretty sure he was just trying to drive me crazy.
RANBOO: Crazy? You know, I was crazy once.
PAUL: Really?
RANBOO: Mhm. They locked me in a room. A rubber room.
PAUL: Who did? That sounds illegal-
RANBOO: A rubber room with rats. And rats make me crazy... crazy? I was crazy once-
PAUL: F****** d*** it, not again.
[TRANSCRIPT ENDS]
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[June 13th 20XX, 1:31 AM]
[TRANSCRIPT BEGINS]
TECHNO: Ah, Detective Paul. Nice to see you again.
PAUL: How do you- have we met before?
TECHNO: Uhh... not that I can recall, no
PAUL: Then how-?
TECHNO: There's only, like, six detectives here, and I saw five of them on the way in.
PAUL: Oh.
[A pause.]
TECHNO: So... is this an interrogation?
PAUL: S***, right. You- look, I'm supposed to be asking the questions, alright?
TECHNO: Sorry, I just saw you weren't askin' any questions and kinda assumed I was supposed to be doin' something.
PAUL: Right- okay. I'm just going to start from the top. You're Techno Blade, right?
TECHNO: Yeah.
PAUL: Alright. Okay. That's a good start.
TECHNO: Did you already talk to Tommy?
PAUL: How did you-?
TECHNO: You look dead inside, it's an easy guess. Did he do that thing about bagels?
PAUL: For the love of everything holy, don't remind me about the bagels. Now... the robbery. Right. You and your friends were outside the bank at approximately 11:30 PM this evening, correct?
TECHNO: Uhh... yeah, sounds about right.
PAUL: Okay. Good, good... what can you tell me about what you were doing there?
TECHNO: We were... not robbin' the bank.
PAUL: I swear-
TECHNO: Dude, I don't know what you want from me! We weren't robbin' the bank! What else am I supposed to say?
PAUL: You got the bags, the masks- what were you doing?
TECHNO: Trick-or-treatin'. Obviously.
[A pause.]
TECHNO: It's that thing where you go door-to-door and ask for candy from strangers, because that's a very normal and safe activity to do.
PAUL: No, I know what trick-or-treating is-
TECHNO: Oh. Well, you were kinda looking at me like you didn't, so I just assumed-
PAUL: I'm looking at you like that because why the hell would you think that's a reasonable alibi?
TECHNO: What, are you sayin' adults can't dress up in cool costumes and go trick-or-treatin' with friends?
PAUL: Wh- no, of course that's not what I'm saying. What even is your costume, though?
TECHNO: College student.
PAUL: That's not a costume.
TECHNO: It is if I'm not a college student.
[A pause.]
PAUL: That really just doesn't count.
TECHNO: Yeah it does. I dropped out of college, which means I'm not a college student. And a costume is meant to be something you're not. Therefore, it's perfectly valid for me to go trick-or-treatin' as a college student.
PAUL: Right. Look, I don't care if you think your costume is valid, the point is it's a s***** excuse for why you're outside a bank in the middle of the night-
TECHNO: Sounds to me like you don't appreciate creativity.
PAUL: It's not creativity! That's like- the exact opposite of creativity.
TECHNO: You know, I've always found it interestin' that some of us decide to die on hills that weren't made for graves.
[Several seconds' pause.]
PAUL: Mr. Blade-
TECHNO: Just Techno's alright.
PAUL: Fine then. Techno. Are you saying I'm choosing a dumb hill to die on when I say a hoodie and sweatpants isn't a good costume?
TECHNO: Uhh... pretty much, yeah.
PAUL: Right. Okay. [A laugh.] You literally just tried to tell me that your alibi was going trick-or-treating.
TECHNO: ... and?
PAUL: And, it's the middle of f****** June. You want to talk about hills that weren't made for graves?
TECHNO: Bruhhh- what's wrong with gettin' a head start on the free candy? Although if you want to talk about deep philosophical questions, I will gladly do that. I have some thoughts.
PAUL: F*** my life. I'm done with this s***.
[TRANSCRIPT ENDS]
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[June 13th 20XX, 2:03 AM]
[TRANSCRIPT BEGINS]
PAUL: And you are... [A pause.] Phil Minecraft. Is that even an actual name-? [A long sigh.] Right. Okay. You know what, I'm not even gonna bother. I'm so done with this case.
PHIL: Aww, sorry to hear that, mate. Long day?
PAUL: Well... yeah, actually. I only got in about an hour and a half ago and I've spent almost that whole time questioning you guys.
PHIL: Really? What happened? I'd have thought this would be pretty straightforward.
PAUL: Yeah, you'd think so. Everyone else kept insisting on these ridiculously complicated alibis that didn't even make sense. And get this- we have video footage of the four of you together outside the bank. There's no denying it. But they sure as h*** tried. And that's not to mention the amount of s*** they tried to pull besides the alibis.
[A pause.]
PHIL: I am... so, so sorry, mate.
PAUL: What do you mean?
PHIL: It was book club.
[A pause.]
PAUL: Explain.
PHIL: So we started a book club the other day, right? I had the idea for it, but Techno - have you talked to him yet?
PAUL: Unfortunately, yes. He said you guys were trick-or-treating.
PHIL: That... sounds about right. Basically, the premise of the book club was that we pretended it was a secret society. Called it the Syndicate. Meetings are formatted like a secret society, so we try not to pick the same spot twice. Which is why we met up outside the bank tonight. Someone, I think it was Techno, had an idea about a team bonding exercise related to that. Not sure what it was.
PAUL: Why all the lying, then? Literally no one else mentioned this book club thing.
PHIL: That's the other part of it, actually. Because it's a secret society, there's one rule to being in the Syndicate: if anyone asks, the Syndicate doesn't exist. There's no such thing. You make up something to cover for it, even if it's the most f****** bulls*** excuse you've ever heard.
PAUL: Does the lying thing apply to law enforcement?
PHIL: No, but we didn't actually specify that, so I'm not all that surprised they followed through on the bit.
PAUL: [A sigh.] Right. Okay. Thank you for explaining that. I do have a few more questions to go through, just as a formality-
[A pause; there is an indecipherable noise in the background.]
PAUL: Hold on, someone's slid something under the door.
PHIL: What is it?
[A pause.]
PAUL: Looks like... a release order. You and your friends are free to go, apparently. It's signed by Chief Scorpius himself- didn't even know he was here this early. S***... he's gonna have some strong words about this whole mess later. [A sigh.] Talk about a long day.
PHIL: Again, I'm so sorry about all the trouble, mate. Is there anything my friends and I need to do before heading out?
PAUL: Just get your stuff from evidence, I guess. Oh, speaking of which, actually- what was the birdseed about?
PHIL: Hmm?
PAUL: You had a bag of birdseed with you. I'm just curious as to why, there's no official reason.
PHIL: Oh, you know. Feeding the birds. It's just fun.
PAUL: Fair enough. Well, enjoy the rest of your night, and here- here's a copy of the release form. Feel free to get your friends out, too, and just show that to anyone if they ask what you're doing.
PHIL: Oh! Thanks, mate!
PAUL: No problem. I'm... I'm just gonna sit here for a while.
[A door opens and closes.]
[Several minutes' pause.]
[A door opens.]
SCORPIUS: Detective Paul? What the f*** is going on? Are you asleep?
PAUL: Wh- no, no I'm not. Just taking a break for now. Had a few tough interrogations earlier.
SCORPIUS: Right. What's all this I'm hearing about suspects getting let out early?
PAUL: What?
SCORPIUS: The bank robbery suspects that were here earlier. They just walked out, no one even bothered to stop them.
PAUL: Oh, that? That wasn't- you signed an official release, remember?
SCORPIUS: I did f****** what? I've been here for literally five minutes, and I sure as h*** don't remember signing a form. [A sigh.] I don't have the patience for this s*** right now.
PAUL: I'm not joking! Here, look.
[A pause.]
SCORPIUS: That... that does appear to be my signature. I didn't sign this, though, what the h***-?
PAUL: I'm honestly half convinced this was all a fever dream. I'm gonna wake up in about five minutes and find out I've been asleep this whole time.
SCORPIUS: If only. Oh- and I hate to bring more bad news, but there's been a bit of a crow invasion up front. They're not bothering anyone - they're quite calm, actually - but we do need to get them out, so...
PAUL: Right. I'm on it.
[TRANSCRIPT ENDS]
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"... so I told them it was a book club. It's called the Syndicate, and the only rule is that as far as anyone else knows, it doesn't exist. It's also kinda like a secret society, which is why we were meeting up outside of a bank in the middle of the night. Team bonding, I think is what I said that was. Then there was the release form thing and that was all. You can thank Chat for that, by the way- I told you guys crows could forge signatures."
"Wait, can we start a book club?" Techno asked when Phil paused.
Ranboo nodded agreement. "That sounds fun!"
"As long as I can bring the snacks!"
"No bagels, Tommy."
"Aww."
"Did we ever find out who actually robbed the bank?" Phil wondered aloud. "I'm pretty sure it wasn't any of you guys, and I was just out to say hi to the crows."
Tommy shrugged. "I dunno. I was seeing how many people I could get with the bagel thing."
"What bagel thing?" Ranboo asked, blissfully unaware of the horrors.
Tommy grinned like a maniac, and Techno swung a light punch at his shoulder to interrupt him before he could start. "No, we're not doin' that. And I don't know who did the whole bank robbery. I was headin' over to the park to practice knife throwin'. Kinda surprised they didn't bring up the knives in the interrogation, actually."
"Oh! There's Niki!" Ranboo waved at a figure walking towards them. "Hi Niki!"
"Hi Ranboo! Hi guys," Niki greeted. "How's it going?"
"Great! We got arrested," Tommy said, completely casually.
Ranboo nodded. "We also started a book club, if you want to join that. It's called the Syndicate! I don't know what we're doing with that yet, but Tommy's bringing snacks, I think."
"It's supposed to be a secret society," Techno added with a lighthearted sigh. "You can join if you want to, though."
"So what have you been up to?" Phil asked.
Niki shrugged casually, seeming to think for a moment. "Not too much, honestly. Tonight's been a little busier than usual though. I pulled off a bank heist a few hours ago, that was fun!"