Chapter Text
Eddie is ten feet above the ground, barely holding on to a bouldering wall with his fingertips, when Tommy brings it up.
Eddie doesn’t know how he got here. Not here as in bouldering at Pat’s Cali-Climb-O-Mania. Tommy had invited him to the grand opening of his buddy’s climbing gym, and now here they are, traversing the brightly coloured climbing holds across one of the bigger bouldering walls.
Here as in, having this conversation. With Tommy of all people. The should-I-break-up-with-him conversation.
Before they started the climb, Eddie asked, “Buck didn’t want to come?” Eddie had been wondering since he pulled into Pat’s parking lot and saw Tommy get out of his car alone.
Tommy chalked his hands. “Nah. He said it’s too much like work.”
Eddie guessed he could understand that. Buck was their go-to on A-shift for rope rescues. But that was because Buck loved climbing. Eddie would have predicted immediate enthusiasm from him about a chance to try out a new bouldering gym. Hell, if Eddie found a nice roadside cliff and asked Buck if he wanted to do a casual abseil, Buck would probably already be getting his climbing gear from his trunk.
Weird.
“Actually,” Tommy says now as he reaches the overhang, “I was wondering if I could run something past you. About Evan.”
“Okay,” Eddie says, focusing on not falling.
“I just — Evan … Buck is a great guy. He’s a ton of fun. Really … intense. But I’m not sure we’re in it for the long run, you know?”
Oh. Eddie is. Eddie is relieved.
He likes hanging out with Tommy. They still do the same pickup basketball game once a month, and they hang out with Buck, and apart from him.
It’s been nice to have a friend who isn’t so inextricably tied up with Eddie’s life with Christopher. Who doesn’t quite understand the extent of Eddie’s devastation. It’s … relaxing. A break from Buck’s concentrated sympathy and shared heartbreak.
Tommy is easy-going and funny in a sneaky way. Eddie likes him. He does.
He’s just not sure he likes him for Buck.
Tommy has this tendency to cut Buck off, just as he’s getting into a hyperfixation monologue.
One time, when Eddie was still in the can’t-get-off-the-couch phase of depression, Buck and Tommy invited themselves over to watch The Bear with Eddie’s Hulu subscription. They were queuing up the episode, Buck dropping statistics he’d read about job burnout in restaurant kitchens, and Tommy had leaned over and kissed him.
It had startled Eddie. Obviously Tommy was allowed to kiss his boyfriend! But it was the timing of the thing. Tommy completely cut Buck off. Maybe it was romantic or something, but it just seemed rude to Eddie. And then, while Buck was still smiling about the kiss, Tommy pressed Play, ending the conversation.
Eddie noticed it again just last week, when he met Buck and Tommy for drinks at a goldrush-themed bar. Buck started talking about the famous Sourtoe cocktail of Dawson City — a shot of whiskey with a mummified toe in it.
“You’re supposed to drink until the toe touches —"
And Tommy cut in with, “I think I actually want something rum-based.”
Eddie looked between Buck and Tommy, and thought, okay, maybe Tommy is squeamish about mummified human toes. Fair.
But Eddie still made a point to bring it up again later on, when Tommy was in the bathroom.
“Okay.” He smiled across the table at Buck. “I know you’re dying to tell me more about this toe cocktail thing. Lay it on me.”
And Buck beamed.
The story was gross, and Eddie definitely isn’t going to order a Sourtoe cocktail if he ever gets up to Dawson City, but it was also interesting. Eddie kind of loves Buck’s fun facts, actually. At the very least, he learns something new. But sometimes Buck just drops a mention of something about cat paws that he read about in a library book one time, and it’ll change Eddie’s whole perspective on life. The Sourtoe story wasn’t one of those cases. But it could have been!
And then Tommy came back from the bathroom and ran his fingers through Buck’s curls as he sat down, and Eddie felt — annoyed. Hair-touching rights should come with the basic decency to listen to your boyfriend when he wants to tell you about something.
Now, Eddie pulls himself to the top of the wall and sits there for a minute until Tommy joins him. They find the climbdown ladder.
“Are you going to break up with him?” Eddie asks.
“Yeah, I don’t know,” Tommy says. “Sorry, is this weird to talk about? I know how close you two are. Bros before boyfriends, and all that.”
“Ha,” Eddie laughs. “No, it’s fine. Not sure I should be giving out relationship advice, but — well, I’ve been the person who holds on in a doomed relationship, and it’s not a good time for anyone.”
Everything is fine and good. Tommy will break up with Buck. Buck will probably be sad, but Eddie will make sure to reassure the hell out of him — that he’ll find the right person. That Tommy is not the right person.
But —
Right before they reach the ground, Tommy says something that hits Eddie like heartburn.
“I mean, he is a great guy. Kind of just — a lot, sometimes. You know?”
Eddie freezes. Just for a second, and then he focuses on getting out of the way so another climber can access the ladder. All of sudden, he wants to go. He grabs his free bottle of branded Cali-Climb-O-Mania liquid chalk and a blue Gatorade, then nods over at the door. Tommy follows him outside, and they lean against the front window.
Maybe Eddie should have taken Tommy up on his “bros before boyfriends” offer and asked him to leave Eddie out of it — because now there’s this feeling like an itch in his throat. He knows he could just nod and stay quiet and let Tommy think what he thinks. It’s not really Eddie’s business. It’s not. But the base injustice of him calling Buck a lot is unignorable. And yeah, Eddie knows Buck’s history more than Tommy probably does, and he’s never dealt with boyfriend Buck first-hand, but the idea that Tommy could look at Buck and think too much just won’t leave him alone.
Eddie turns to Tommy. “Listen, the thing about Buck is — yeah, he can be annoying. He’s impulsive and self-absorbed and deeply insecure …” Tommy is nodding, and Eddie realizes he isn’t getting his message across. “But, he’s … he’s just. Good.”
It’s so inadequate. It’s not even what Eddie means. He means, maybe, that Buck is so important to him. That Buck always shows up for him. That Buck is his favourite person to spend time with, besides Chris. That a day with Buck is always better than a day without him, by several degrees of magnitude.
“I mean,” Eddie tries again. “He’s one of the most reliable, loyal people I know. If you’re someone who needs help, he’ll find a way to help you. And I don’t just mean if you need his help as a firefighter. Friend or family member or random acquaintance — if he can help, he will.”
Tommy is really focusing in on Eddie now. Eddie thinks about what Tommy said that started this outpouring of defence.
“I know he tends to hyperfocus on random things, but — he’s so interested, you know? If he’s intrigued by something, he’ll learn everything he can about it. Reminds me of Chris, actually. And do you know how helpful he can be? If I come to him with a question or a problem, he’ll have done all the background research and come up with six possible solutions by lunchtime.”
Eddie unscrews his Gatorade for something to do with his hands. The blue flavour is actually Buck’s favourite, but Eddie is in the habit of grabbing one for him because — actually, he’s not sure why. It’s not like there’s a national shortage of blue sports drinks.
“I guess I never thought of it like that,” Tommy says. “Huh.”
“Yeah! Or — a few years ago, Christopher really wanted to try skateboarding. But it just didn’t seem like something he’d be able to do with his CP. It was a whole thing. I just felt so defeated. Like I’d failed my kid. Next thing I know, Buck is Facetiming me from Home Depot. He found plans for building an accessible skateboard and wanted to double-check Chris’s height before he bought the PVC pipe. We built that skateboard in a weekend.”
“That’s … pretty impressive,” Tommy admits.
“And he’s a lot of fun. I mean — obviously you know that. Duh, that’s what you said.” He’s a ton of fun … but. “You didn’t really get to experience his bachelor party for Chimney, though. Best time I can barely remember having.”
Tommy is laughing now. “Okay, okay, I get it. Buck is a great guy. I don’t disagree!”
“Ah.” Eddie closes his eyes and exhales. He knows he got carried away, but the thing is, he’s barely scratched the surface. He didn’t realize he had such an embarrassing wellspring of things to say about Buck.
This summer was a time for Eddie. A perfectly awful time. It passed in a blur of intense therapy sessions and outright exhaustion (he cancelled his summer vacation time and picked up every extra shift he could, just to minimize the free time to think about how hard he had fucked up his relationship with Chris). Somehow, though, there were bright spots all over the past three months — of Buck basically refusing to leave Eddie alone, even when Eddie tried his damnedest to push Buck away. Buck showed up to cook breakfast, bullied Eddie out on hikes. Took him to see movies. (They went to see Inside Out 2 together, then regretted it intensely since they were both so raw about adolescent emotions that they both sobbed in Buck’s jeep the whole way home from the theatre.) He dragged Eddie to the grocery store, loading him up on smoothie ingredients, hurrying them past all of Chris’s favourite snack foods. He willingly watched whatever classic action movie Eddie wanted to put on after dinner, even though Buck had once said that his tolerance for that sort of movie was once a month tops. He told Eddie every time Chris texted Buck — even if it was just heart-reacting to something Buck said, or sending him stupid memes.
And — most of all — Eddie remembers Buck making triple sure to never take Eddie anywhere where he wouldn’t have cell service. Eddie had become a paranoid wreck about the possibility of missing Chris’s call or text. It took four weeks in Texas before Chris started talking to Eddie again. And the whole time, Buck made sure they were reachable. He kept three portable chargers in his glove compartment. Made sure not to take them so high into the mountains on a day trip that Eddie would lose all his bars.
The other side of these memories, though, is that they always ended with Buck going back to Tommy. Eddie was barely coping, leaning hard on Buck’s optimistic presence and sincere support. He knew it was a sort of crutch, but he felt — utterly bereft every time Buck left. Every time Buck got in his Jeep at the end of a shift, and Eddie got in his truck, and they drove to separate addresses.
So, sue Eddie for feeling sentimental and warm about his best friend, who kept him from drowning this summer.
“Sorry, Tommy,” Eddie says, laughing at himself a bit. “I meant to say — of course if you’re not feeling it, you should end things. You both deserve better.”
Tommy is nodding, but there’s an oddly thoughtful look on his face.
Just then, Eddie’s phone starts ringing. He pulls it out of his shorts pocket and sees Chris’s contact photo (a close-up of him from last year rolling his eyes at Eddie, what else). “I gotta take this,” he tells Tommy and walks a little ways away.
“Hey, bud,” Eddie says softly. It’s not the first time he and Chris have talked on the phone, but it is the first time Chris has called him.
“Dad.”
That’s it. Flat. Just the one word.
“Yeah, are you okay?”
“Yes.”
“Okay … well, what’s up?”
“I think.” Over the phone, Eddie hears the crackly sound of Chris taking a deep breath. “I think I just really want to come home now.”
Eddie’s soul turns into a hot-air balloon and floats him all the way into space. Which — weird metaphor, subconscious mind, but it’s how he feels.
He keeps his tone even when he asks, “Did something happen? Something bad, I mean?”
“No.” Pause. “Not really. I just — want to be home.”
Something’s going on there, but Eddie is done playing it cool, done trying to problem solve when — obviously — the very best solution is just to get on a plane as soon as humanly possible.
“Yes,” Eddie says. “Yes! Chris, I’m — I’m out right now, but I’m going to go home and book a plane ticket. I’ve got to get in the car, so I’m going to get off, but I’ll call you back as soon as I’m home, okay?”
“Okay, Dad.”
“Okay, mijo. Okay, I love you.”
“Bye, Dad.”
Eddie hangs up and sprints back to Tommy. “Hey!” he calls, startling Tommy, who is typing something on his phone. “I’ve got to go! I’ll talk to you later.”
“Everything okay?” Tommy asks.
“Yes. Yes!” Eddie hurls himself at his truck without elaborating.
It’s only later, after Eddie has sped home, spent an unreasonable amount on a next-day plane ticket for El Paso, talked to Chris on the phone for more than an hour, called Buck in happy tears to tell him the good news, remembered to call the interim fire captain to request emergency family leave, and finally downed the lukewarm blue Gatorade, that Eddie’s mind turns back to his earlier conversation with Tommy.
Jeez, Eddie is embarrassed by himself. Buck doesn’t need him to be his hype man. He throws the plastic bottle in the recycling and goes into his room to pack an overnight bag.
Right before he gets into bed to sleep, Eddie gets two text messages from Buck:
Give Chris the biggest hug from me tomorrow. Stay in touch!
Eddie hearts the message.
Unimportant weird thing. Super thought Tommy was going to break up with me tonight, but then he just … complimented me? Like, he said all this nice stuff about how great I am, then asked if I wanted to go on a weekend trip with him.
Eddie sits back up in bed. What?
He starts with the obvious question: Why did you think he was going to break up with you?
Typing dots. No typing dots. Typing dots. Then: Just seemed like he was getting sick of me
And he said he wanted to talk tonight 🚩
And lots of other stuff. Idk, just seemed like maybe this had run its course.
But then he said all this like glowing stuff about me. About me being loyal and brave and how my research spirals are actually really helpful 🤔
Eddie’s first instinct is to block Tommy’s number on his phone. His second instinct is to call him and friend-break-up with him. His third instinct is to — push it all down. Aside. Tomorrow, he will see Chris. Tomorrow, he will hold his kid in his arms. Tomorrow, he will bring him home to LA. There isn’t room for anything else.
He sends one last text to Buck.
Gotta go to bed so I can get to the airport on time tomorrow morning. But one question for you while I sleep: do you want to stay with Tommy?
He hears the vibrations of Buck’s answering texts coming in — of course he does. It’s going to take Eddie a while to break the habit of keeping his phone on all the time. He creeps across the room, to where his phone is plugged in on his dresser, to check that the messages are from Buck, and not Chris. He keeps his face far enough away that his screen won’t unlock. He really does have to get to sleep. He slips back into bed.
And he lets himself think and feel it. Just for a minute.
Tommy was going to break up with Buck. Eddie told Tommy how great Buck is. Tommy didn’t break up with Buck.
Eddie talked Tommy out of breaking up with Buck.
He doesn’t know who he’s angrier at: Tommy for stealing his lines, or himself for accidentally changing Tommy’s mind.