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Muichiro flops down into his bed after a long day of training, his eyes blankly staring at his ceiling. Something had gotten to him today, something had pierced his heart more than a blade could have- hurt more than words should have ever been able to. The words circulated in his brain, repeating and pounding against his head in a way he couldn't forget, even if he wanted to.
He was training, doing his usual routine with a demon slayer, fixing their forms, roughening them up, the usual. Until someone had stepped up. Someone had spoken to him- words so fierce, so cutting that he had cut the training session short for the day and sent everyone home. His breath hitches as he recalls the words.
" Are you even human!? "
The demon slayer snaps, tossing their wooden sword to the side. Muichiro would blink at them, a little off guard, but blank, nonetheless. The reaction seemed to piss them off further, and the next harsh words had hit too deep.
" You're a sick freak! You take enjoyment in seeing us hurt! You- you emotionless asshole! Do you not see the pain you cause us? I hope maggots eat your hands off so you can never train us again! "
He shakes the memory from his head. Usually, words didn't hurt him. Usually- he didn't care. But maggots. He shuddered just at the idea, blank eyes flashing with recognition, and mild fear at the idea of coming in contact with those- things ever again.
He sucks in a shuddering breath, was he really emotionless? He raises a hand, pressing it over his beating heart. The rate is picking up, but he can't help the blank feelings that keep roaring in his throat. He can't feel anything, mostly. Besides the budding feeling of raw- isolation? Solitude? Something he can't quite name. Something he doesn't quite want.
He runs a hand through his hair, maybe he was emotionless. Maybe he did deserve for- those things to eat his hands off. Was he really heartless? A sick freak?
The idea makes his gut wrench, the feeling of disgust and self-loathing rearing it's head and biting down where it hurt the most. Muichiro's face scrunched, and he closed his eyes. Trying to ignore the words swirling around in his head.
Maybe he should be nicer to his students- try interacting. Being friendlier? Would that make them happy? Would it make him less of a freak, or feel more emotion? The thought sends him crashing through another memory, a harsh gasp ripping up from his throat- followed by the sound of a barely bit back cry.
His brother. Maggots- blood, it was everywhere. Including on him- he could remember the feeling, he could practically taste the blood in his mouth.
He violently shudders. He should be stronger than this- better than this. But Muichiro forgets he's only 14. He has his own limits- his own boundaries, and lately, he supposes he has been pressing and prodding at them a bit too much.
His eyes open, and he flinches at the raw realization that he's there. Infront of him lay his brother, the color seeping out of his eyes, his arm missing as more and more maggots seem to crawl to him with each passing second. Muichiro can't understand- this wasn't right. He shouldn't be here. Not again.
He panics internally- struggling to reach for his brother- to hold him, to try comforting him in his last moments, but it's far too late. Yuichiro died infront of him, and he was useless to stop it. Tears well up in his eyes, and for a moment, he simply stares.
He's never felt so hopeless- so utterly confused, heartbroken. A empty feeling pools in his gut, and when he blinks open teary eyes again, he's back in his bed.
He chokes out a sob, a hand raising to cover his mouth as he borderline chokes on his own tears. He wasn't emotionless- he wasn't a freak. He wasn't sick.
Was he?
.
A few days later, and Muichiro had visited Giyu before turning to the hotsprings to clear his mind.
Muichiro lazily sunk into the hotsprings, uniform folded neatly off to the side. His hair splayed out beneath the water, shoulders untensing slightly as he got comfortable in the warm waters.
He yawned, quickly sinking further and further until his whole body was practically submerged. He folded his legs under the water, sitting criss cross as he lightly floated. There, he decided he could try unfolding his thoughts. His brain decides to bring up the thoughts related to the questions he had conjured up from his talk with Giyu.
Okay so, to start off. Being in love. Apparently, it felt like being yourself. Did he mean like- opening up? Or just being himself in general? His face scrunched. That was debatable. Something he realized he could dwell on for hours. That being said, he decided he could come back to that later, and moved onto the next thing. It took him a little, considering his low quality memory, but he eventually found his thoughts.
Friends love, Family love, and Romantic love. That stirred a lot of questions up. The difference between family love and the other ones was clear to him, but he was more conflicted on romantic and friend. How did they feel different? What did they do ?
He was curious. What did romantic love feel like? He had experienced first hand how quickly it could make someone react, especially with how Tomioka had just scrambled to get to Sanemi, but he couldn't help but wonder how it would feel if he was in that kind of situation.
His head tilted to the side, hands idly running through his own hair while he treaded through his thoughts. Expression blank despite his inner turmoil of emotions. Romantic love. It sounded nice- but it also sounded tiring. What would happen if the other didn't feel the same? Or if something broke them apart?
What would happen to the romantic love if someone fell out of feelings with the other, or if someone died, or if- he paused. Why was he digging so deeply into this?
Muichiro's hands went from his scalp, down to gently combing hands through his thoroughly soaked hair. Eyebrows furrowing as his eyes squinted, still deep in thought.
Love wasn't something he needed to worry about. To be honest, he wasn't sure it was something he'd ever feel. He was also sure it wasn't something anyone would feel towards him. Not anyone in the demon slayer corp, anyway. He blinked slowly, hands combing across a few knots.
He found it ironic, how he was so stuck on the situation, and how he was equally stuck on the knots in his hair. What perfect timing. Maybe this was a symbol? Combing through love was like combing through knots in hair, picking it out with skillful fingers and combing it back to perfection.
Then again, Muichiro assumed that love wasn't perfect. So maybe it wasn't that simple? He dug deeper into the topic, zoning out further as he grew distant to his surroundings.
Back to Romantic and Friend love. He assumed friend love was something more platonic. But how could he tell the difference between platonic or romantic? He frowned. Was the feeling that different? Was it that strong? He moved one hand from his hair to gently rub his eyes, seemingly a little annoyed with mot being able to quickly solve this as he would anything else.
He'd let it go, forget about it as he usually did, but the words of that other student flashed into his mind. About how heartless and cold he was, about if he was even a human. He was determined to figure things out, to learn about love- to learn about feelings. Maybe that would make him seem more humane?
Muichiro shifts, lowering himself further into the water. He'd feel overwhelmed if it weren't for the warmth against him, and he mentally sighs at how silly he feels for even thinking of this. For some reason, his curiosity won't allow him to drop it. With an annoyed outward sigh, he takes a big gust of air, before lowering himself into the water.
Muichiro had always been able to hold his breath- and since he was conscious, he didn't worry about drowning. The water around him felt calming, lapping at his skin and dragging him under. Some of the tips of his hair floated up, signifying his place under the water. But besides that, he was just kind of- gone.
Lazily floating about beneath the waves of the water hitting against the rocks around the edge of the hotsprings, Muichiro drifted away into his thoughts again. Lightly breathing out some of his puffed up air to be able to hold his position longer.
He tried thinking to what would happen if he was in love with someone, or vice versa. Maybe then he'd have a heart- or maybe then it'd grow to be as big as Tanjiro's? His head turned slightly under the water. His breath was beginning to run out, and his body was beginning to grow sluggish. He assumed it was between him being tired from the soak, and his lack of oxygen.
That being said, he poked his head up, before raising his entire body out of the water. He gently dried himself off, before twisting his hair to drain out the water. He puffed, deeming it dry enough. He put clothes on- a different pair from earlier, keen on washing the old one before re-wearing it.
Draping the old clothes over his shoulder, Muichiro stretched for a moment, before beelining to make his way home.