Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

SOMEBODY CALL 9/11

catnip: ashe lost her fucking phone

catnip: she keeps messaging me on discord about it

DC!!!: Wait how do you know

DC!!!: Oh

catnip: learn to type faster lmao

DC!!!: >:(

Shawty: i can check defenders hall

Shawty: i forgot that this was my name in this group chat and remembered why i'm going to kill all of you

dig dug: not very heroic of you dude

Shawty: im going to throw a recharge at your head

dig dug: anyway it's not here summer just checked

Someone think of a funny na…: Tell her to check her desk.

Closet case: oh holy shit vyncent actually in the group chat for once

Loser got possessed: IT WAS IN MY DESK…………..

dig dug: lmao

Shawty: this is getting thrown at doug if no one fesses up

[Image attachment: An image of William’s hand holding a Recharge energy. He has black chipped nail polish and is wearing black and light blue striped fingerless gloves. ]

catnip: get summer to record i wanna see this

Sunshine: I will not be doing that!

catnip: shame

dig dug: wait wtf he actually showed up

Closet case: WAIT ACTUALLY??

DC!!!: Will is a guy of his word

Sunshine: Well!

[Image attachment: A blurry photo of William with his hands on his head, looking stressed down at an exploded can in a puddle of liquid, presumably the drink that was in it. Doug is slightly in frame, and visibly laughing.]

catnip: and this, kids, is why you don't throw soda cans

Closet case: Oh thats gonna be a bitch to clean up LMAO

Shawty: the bit went too fucking far

catnip: the bit can never go too far

catnip: next time you should kill each other ♥️

Shawty: haha bet

Shawty: this is taking so fucking long to clean up a dead body would be so much easier

catnip: that can be arranged.

dig dug: like my dead body or a random dead body

dig dug: i’d prefer it wasn't my dead body

Shawty: have you considered just getting silly

dig dug: @DC!!! GET YOUR FUCKING DOG

dig dug: WHO GAVE HIM A FUCKING KNIFE

Someone think of a funny na…: 👋

catnip: homosexual behavior tbh,,,

dig dug: BEING STABBED??????????????

catnip: yeah ♥️

DC!!!: me personally i just wouldn't y’know

dig dug: ???aS.,DFg?.HGT

Sunshine: William, if you actually stabbed him you’re cleaning that up too :( 

Shawty: its only a little stab…. hes not even bleeding that much…

dig dug: KYS

Shawty: been there done that 

Shawty: got the fuckin tshirt

Closet case: you people are insane tbh

catnip: we were part of an illegal fighting ring for months and this is where you draw the line

Closet case: yeah

Loser got possessed: Booooo tomato tomato

Loser got possessed: We deserve a little stabbing . as a treat

Someone think of a funny na…: Upvote.

Sunshine: Is Doug actually okay, though?

Shawty: yeah probably

dig dug: hopital

Shawty: stop being dramatic i barely stabbed you

dig dug: [Image attachment: A photo of William’s old ass earbuds in a sink. The water’s about to fall on them as the photos being taken. ]

dig dug: you left your earbuds lmao

Shawty: WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK

catnip: LMAO FINALLY

Shawty: MY FUCKING HEADPHONES DUDE

Loser got possessed: The girls are fightingggggg

Loser got possessed: Those things were on their last legs anyways so shrug emoji

Loser got possessed: We can just buy you new ones will

Shawty: no this means war

Loser got possessed: Literally what does that mean

Shawty: you’ll see

Chapter Text

Homophobic chat

og: im going to kill myself

#2: what did they do

og is typing…

#4: hes been typing for five minutes

#4 : im scared

og: sorry got distracted. 

og: i just saw them watching the

og: bee movie
og: again. for the fourth time this week

#2 : sighs 

#2: with homoerotic cuddling?

og: WITH HOMOEROTIC CUDDLING.

#5: What’s so bad about the bee movie

og: IFOEFbOEIFNOUHFEIUH

og: EVERY THING

#5: It’s the bee movie

#2 : and its william and vyncent’s favorite movie

#5: ??

og: pjojnt is rhey were watchint the bee movie again but none of them said ANYTHIFN adn just SAT THRE

#2: dakota your grammar

og: [ Image Attachment: A photo of the defender’s hall couch with William and Vyncent on it. It’s kind of blurry]

#5: ???????????????

og: piont is. they were watching the bee movie again

og: and i am gonna do something Drastic

#4: at this point we might have to step in tbh

og: yu dont undersnatd theyre so stdupid

og: you coudl walk up to vyncee and go “hey wills in love w you in a gay away” and hed go “yeah were bestfriedns”

#2: theyre both so fucking stupid

#2: listen i love them dearly

#2: but they are the dumbest motherfuckers on planet earth <3

#4: i will personally give 4 whole dollar to whoever can get them to go on a date

#4: nay, a whole 20 dollar bill

#2: id do it for a cornchip if they werent so fucking stupid

#3: We should lock them in a room together :) 

#4: WATTPAD STYLE????

#3: Yeah :) 

#5: I think that's the most threatening thing I've ever heard summer say

#5: Type?

#5: Hold on, homosexuality aside, what's the right terminology here.

#3: Text!

og: swhats the smlalest room in tehis house w a lcoing dor

#2: dakota

#2: darling

#2: honey

#2: light of my life

#5: Okay getting kind of gay

#2: please learn to type <3

og: NO I sm a man'\s on anmitsoo 

og: mdoisn

og: fuck

#4: mdoisn

og: SHUT UPPPP

#3: …mdosin???????

og: SUMMER NOT YOU TOIO

#3: What were you even trying to type there?

#2: mission

#3: Oh! That makes sense.

og: we r gatting ofd topic

og: smallest room sin house w lcoking door WHER

#2: maybe one of the bathrooms?

#2: do any of the closets lock? that'd be fitting 

og: I THINK THE OEN IN WILRS RROM DOES. BUT DIK HWO TO GET THEM INE TEHR

#5: Aren't you stronger than both of them. just like. shove them

og: but thats mena :(((((( 

#5: You are trying to shove them into a closet together. 

og: for their eown giod

#5: Isn’t the goal to get them out of the closet

#4: you'd know nothing about getting out of closets huh

#5: Absolutely irrelevant to the conversation why did you have to bring that up 

#2: straight man in a polycule is crazy

#5: I don't know how I got here

#2: its cause you like boys king. hope this helps

#5: I don't :( I don't think about kissing boys ever :(

#4: sounds like smth a boy kisser would say tbh

#5: Cow looking at sea image. man

#4: you didn't even add the fucking image

#5: man……

og: ANWYAY. are we dount this or are we doubg this

#4: kota you have to do it

og: O SHIT U RITE

#2: he forgor </3

#4: it's been like 5 minutes did he unforgor or

og: [Image Attachment: a shaky photo of a locked closet door. ]

og: MISSION SUCESS

#2: somehow im surprised you actually did it

og: it’s been three years, ashe. 

og: i’m so fucking tired.

#4: why are you grammar

og: hoemophebia

#5: Yeah I'm scared of emos too

og: whjat

#5: Yknow cause you wrote

#5: it's hoEMOphobia

og: dude sgut up 

#5: That's fair

SOMEBODY CALL 911

Shawty: someone please tell dakota to unlock the door he locked us Ina fucking closet

DC!!!: NHOT UTNHL YOU GUSY STOP BEING GAY

dig dug: dakota homophobia arc

Sunshine: Doug, I've been trying to text you all day.

dig dug: oh fuck

catnip: ??lmao

Shawty: dakota

Shawty: dakota please I can't do this

Loser got possessed: have you tried getting good

Shawty: ashe I thought you were on my side :(

Loser got possessed: youre too gay and annoying <3 please confess before we all explode

DC!!!: alsod cantrieps gonnad give me 20 bcusks

Loser got possessed: yeah that too

Shawty: ???? DID YOU GSY FUCKING PLAN THIS

Shawty: WHAT THE HELL :(

Homophobic chat

#2: do we tell him abt this chat

#4: what would be funnier

#4: also we don't necessarily have to mention the chat itself

#4: just the concepts of a plan

#2: yeah but im also really tempted to dm him a ss of “homophobic chat” and some of dakotas rant texts

og: ID FDEL KIDNA BAD THO…. THOSE R A LITTLE MEAN

og: wajt thgns r hapening 

#4: are they making out

og: no

SOMEBODY CALL 911

Shawty: vyncent is trying to pick the lock

catnip: dude that defeats the whole purpose of locking you in a closet together

Shawty: im going to die again if he checks the chat actually

Loser got possessed: once every thousand years he checks the chat and he literally just did two days ago. youre fine

Shawty: >:(

Shawty: HE FUCKING GOT IT OH MY GOD that was kinda hot

catnip: i fucking hate gay people

catnip: also something something fingering joke idk

DC!!!: I am going to kill both of you this is why we lockd yuo ib the floset

dig dug: hey will did you like just forget about your powers or

Shawty: ……………. NO COMMENT. also what was that about the forest 

Shawty: oh closet

DC!!!: death.

DC!!!: for gsy crime and also for making fun if my ypos 

catnip: ypos

DC!!!: execution.

DC!!!: ashe kill this woman

Loser got possessed: i cant sorry that would be sexist + i am a girl who supports girls 

DC!!!: LOUD ISGH

DC!!!: why cant i b a girl u supprpt:(

catnip: youre too genderfreak <3

DC!!!: TRUE!11!!!1

DC!!!: can yoeu atleast kill willaism

Loser got possesed: oh yeah absoultely <3

Loser got possesed: i mean he’ll just come back so

Shawty: I ALWAYS COME BACK

catnip: woah why are you coming on dude’s backs 

Shawty left the chat

William was added to the chat

dig dug changed William's nickname to Shawty

Shawty: i crave death

Shawty: DOUG????????

dig dug: what

dig dug: it was your old name

dig dug: im just changing it back

catnip: eyebrow raise

Sunshine: They just need to get it out of their systems, dw.

Closet case: What. being gay ??

Sunshine: You are one to talk!

Sunshine: But yes!

Closet case: I did not wake up this morning expecting to be called a homosexual by Summer Dileo but y'know.

Sunshine: [IMAGE ATTACHED: no one ever expects the spanish inquisition meme]

Someone think of a funny na…: Oh I love that meme.

catnip: oh hey vynecnt.

Closet case: HES LEANRING TECHNOLOGY…

catnip: you should scroll up we did a lot of funny memes!!!!

Shawty: DO NHTO SHES A LIAR

catnip: DO IT

Shawty: DONT

catnip: DO IT

DC!!!: he turned his phone of…

catnip: FUCK.

catnip: you win this time, wisp. 

Shawty: ill kill you one day :3

catnip: bet meet me at the park we can fistfight yuristyle

Shawty: only if its yuristyle

catnip: duh,,,,

Shawty: ok omw ^-^

Closet case: Please tell me you're not actually gonna fist fight at the park it is like 3 in the afternoon there will be people there

catnip: its the power of yuri xavier dont be homophobic

Shawty: it’s not like we can be arrested for it

Closet case: So fun fact you actually can ??

Shawty: they dont gaf if you break the law as a hero free pass for government job +power of yuri

Loser got possessed: wait are you gonna fight IN COSTUME?

Shawty: no the police just know me

catnip: ofc they do 

Chapter Text

SOMEBODY CALL 911

Loser got possessed: they did get arrested btw

Shawty: >:(

Closet case: I fucking called it.

Shawty: [Image Attached: An upwards POV shot of William. He's sitting inside a car that looks suspiciously like Tide’s. He’s frowning, and glaring at the camera. ]

DC!!: this is why u shouldnt be gay will 

Shawty: HYUGH

Closet case: Yeah they arrest you for it now

Closet case: Thank god I'm in the clear

Shawty: didn't we makeout like yesterday

Closet case: WILL WHJAT THE FUCK DONT TELL EVEYRONE

Shawty: i mean we were wearing socks so

catnip: ?????

Closet case: Yeah it wasn't gay guys dw

dig dug: can confirm not gay

Shawty: you know what is gay though

Shawty: whatever the FUCK tide and mark have going on

Shawty: i can see his phone marks name is saved with a heart next to it

catnip: if i say old man yaoi

Loser got possessed: ill kill you

Loser got possessed: non-yuristyle

catnip: NOOOO

catnip: ill shut up then

dig dug: youre going to be killed yaoistyle

catnip: GOD FORBID.

Shawty: fucked up and horrible concept what if we mixed yaoi and yuri and made a weird and bad thing where men and women kiss

catnip: the horrors

Closet case: Hey guys

Shawty: xavier please dont pretend to be straight again <3

Closet case: Bye guys

dig dug: love that i cant actually tell if xavier being straight is a bit or not

Closet case: It’s not a bit i AM straight

catnip: YOU KISS BOYS????

Closet case: Yeah, homiestyle

Shawty: this is cultural appropriation from yuristyle and yaoistyle tbh,,,

DC!!!: ??? THIS IS BLANATANT PALRAGRISM FROM ME

catnip: dont be homophobic again kota

DC!!!: im alwasy homephobic

DC!!!: wajt no one take that out of context

catnip: @Loser got possessed please come get ur manthing <3

Loser got possessed: KOTA,,,,,,

dig dug: making a callout tweet rn

Loser got possessed: making a callout post on my twitter dot com ive come to make an announcement

Someone think of a funny na…: Shadow the Hedgehog is a bitch ass motherfucker

Closet case: DASKOTA “DC” COLE IS A BITCH ASS MOTHERFUCKER HE PISSED ON MY WIFE HE PISSED ON MY FUCKING WIFE

catnip: why does vyncent know that 

Someone think of a funny na…: William

catnip: god i fucking hate gay people

DC!!!: HANSHAKE EMOIJIJIIII

Closet case: YknoI i was gonnna continue the bit but im not sure that would be a good idea.

dig dug: when do we let him say faggot

Shawty: daokta or x because im pretty sure ive hear x say it

dig dug: isnt he “straight”

Closet case: On my life i have never said a slur

DC!!!: faggotstyle

catnip: ^^^ what dakota says before kissing ashe on the mouth mid battle

Loser got possessed: yeah accurate

Sunshine: This is so mecore!

Shawty: wjho taught u that

Sunshine: William, I am pansexual.

Sunshine: I can say faggot.

catnip: we are fagging it up in the 911 chat today

Shawty: ofc u can say faggot summer i know but who taught you the term mecore its so weird seeing you type that hello. ive been cuaghjt off guard

Sunshine: I am on the internet?

Shawty: my immerssion has been borken i have to go be gay 

catnip: @Somebody think of a funny name

DC!!!: please dont

Shawty: DONT FUCKING PING HIM??????

Somebody think of a funny na…: ?

catnip: will said he needed to be gay

Somebody think of a funny na…: Oh, okay.

DC!!!: why would u do this 2 me.

catnip: dude if they wont confess the least i can do is encourage their weird situationship <3

Closet case: Betrayalstyle 

Shawty: im gonna go die in a hole now

DC!!!: vyncent licherally just kissed you and then walked away shut up man

catnip: wait he what

Shawty: YEAH AND THEN HE JUST?? WALKED AWAY????

dig dug: situationship in the polycule is crazyyyyyyyy

dig dug: honestly i think we need a fuckin chart

Loser got possessed: bet

Shawty: please dont then i would have to confront this

Loser got possessed: lmao

Shawty: ashe??

Shawty: ashe??????????

Shawty: ASHE COME BAKC?????

catnip: well. anyways moving on from william

Shawty: we should never move on from me ever

DC!!!: moving on from william

Shawty: okay :(

dig dug: guys you can't just say “moving on” and then not say anything for like 5 minutes

catnip: it was only three and fuck you yes we can

dig dug: do you wanna beat eachother up

catnip: yuristyle?

dig dug: nah non homoerotically

catnip: what's even the point then

Shawty: handshake emoji

dig dug: we fight all the time???????

Sunshine: You’re also in a polycule! Let’s play the context clues game!

dig dug: was abt to say not everything i do with william is homoerotic but then i realized and i will now be making no statement on the matter

catnip: at least ur self aware. better than some people in this chat

Shawty: this could be directed at two people

catnip: both of them heart emoji

Closet case: I’d like to plead the fifth

catnip: you WOULD like to wouldnt you

Closet case: I’m literasl;ly  the most heterosexual guy on prime

catnip: source??

Closet case: My source is that I made it the fuck up

Loser got possessed: I HAVE RETURNED

Shawty: oh god

Loser got possessed: [Image Attachment: grp chart heart emoji.png ]

dig dug: there are a few of these i didnt actually know aboutwait how do you know about some of these wtf dude

Loser got possessed: i know everything dude

catnip: this chart is insanely funny to me hold on

catnip changed the chat profile picture!

Shawty: dude

DC!!!: I left for like??? 10 minutes???

Closet case: I actually actively resent this

Shawty: i. can refute nothing tbh

catnip: “secret fourth thing” do you mean YURI???

Loser got possessed: and also “coworkers gaystyle” and “vyncent and dakota”

catnip: vyncent and dakota can be yuri if you believe in them

catnip: wait.

catnip: @DC!!! Are you and william actually not dating

Shawty: ????

DC!!!: did you think we were????

dig dug: actually good point. i thought you two were too.

Shawty: dakota are we dating

DC!!!: are we??????

catnip: it’s been ten minutes. are they

Shawty: shit man idfk we got distracted

catnip: got too gay

Shawty: didnt get gay enough we started watching youtube videos

catnip: sounds pretty gay

Loser got possessed: its skibidi toilet

catnip: sounds pretty straight

Shawty: smh

Shawty: actually no i cant defend this one. yeah. straightest thing ive ever done and ive nearly killed a man before

Sunshine: This implies murder is inherently heterosexual.

Shawty: sumemr cmon it wasnt a refrence :( havent you seen that. fuck wait i dont actually know what it's from

Sunshine: Oh, okay, I was worried I did a heterosexual thing, lmao.

Closet case: ??? ARENT YOU A HERO

Sunshine: Are you a narc?

Closet case : HJELLO?

Sunshine: Anyway ^-^

catnip: i think i hauve couvid

Shawty: you are so real for this one

catnip: summer doe yu wanna .y uri style

Sunshine: Just… generally?

catnip: yea

Sunshine: Sure.

catnip: haha yay !

Closet case: I’m feeling weirdly homophobic right now 

Closet case: [Image Attachment: A mildly blurry image of Cantrip lounging on a couch with her legs hanging off of the arm, grinning at her phone. ]

Closet case: In case anyone was wondering Cantrip just got a text, smiled really wide, and then ran out of the base. What the fuck

Sunshine: [Image Attachment: A selfie of Summer and Cantrip, both smiling at the camera. They’re both covered in blood. Cantrip’s lipstick is smudged. ]

dig dug: well that happened quick

Shawty: uhaul joke

Closet case: IIRS BEEN 30 MONITESvv. ?????

Shawty: safe sex chat safe sex

DC!!!: dude gross >:(

catnip: no hes. hes right. i think i hauve couvid

Shawty: girl the blood loss ?

catnip: hopital

Shawty: girl.

Closet case: ??? IS THAT YOUR BLOOD

catnip: no loser it’s 

catnip: mystery blood

Somebody think of a funny na…: Oh I hate when that happens

Shawty: ??????????????????????????????????????????

catnip <--> Shawty

catnip: bet you wish that was you

Shawty: IM KILLING MHSELF

SOMEBODY CALL 911

Shawty: somebody BETTER call 911 im abt to kill cantrip

catnip: you cant silence me i speak the truth

Shawty: I can. easily. with a knife.

Somebody think of a funny na…: Brand stealing to be honest

Shawty: then i’ll. uh. fuckin poison you or somehthing idk

dig dug: sounds a bit far fetched

Shawty: i’ll. isekai you

Somebody think of a funny na…: Once again my brand

Shawty: ???? MEDICAL MALPRACTICE ???? DOES THAT WORK FOR YOU GUYS

catnip: lmao where would you even get the type of medical supplies to kill me

Shawty: you ever met my brother

Shawty: wait. no. not worth it tbh

Shawty: i'll just stick to hitting you with a car

catnip: many such cases

Closet case: You can’t just say many such cases.

catnip: you cant just say perchance

Shawty: not anymore at least. because of woke

catnip: @Sunshine answer for yr crkmws rq 

Shawty: blood loss is kicking in wow

Shawty: i have a hunch they r kissing again

catnip: youyre jsut jealsou

Shawty: girl

Shawty: blood loss

Closet case: is anyone going to answer me on WHY cantrip is losing blood

catnip: nio

catnip: gyus i want her to nsdure me baxck 2 health like a bab sy bir is that gay

Shawty: queen what does this mean

Loser got possessed: arguably more gay than kissing a woman

catnip: woag

Sunshine: We may or may not be on our way to a hospital because Cantrip passed out.

Closet case: HUHHH

Loser got possessed: love loses </3

Closet case: which one of you have insurance pay up

Shawty: ??????

Loser got possessed: i thought u were in charge of insurance xavier

Closet case: Why would I be in charge?????? Aren't the pd fully covered insurance wise just like. Wait how do hospitals work

Loser got possessed: no they hate us 

Loser got possessed: also we kept going in to get free food

DC!!!: actyally 🤓 ☝️

DC!!!: they legally have to cover battle related injuries but most of the time we just get sent to watch hq and get healed by someone powered

Closet case: this??? is not a battle???

Sunshine: Not with that attitude it’s not!

Sunshine: It is not.

DC!!!: yeah so good luck to cantrip ig

Closet case: hey will does ur weird brother have insurance we can use

Shawty: fuckin. probably. but then i’d have to talk to him

Loser got possessed: you guys are hopeless

Loser got possessed: hold on I’ll talk to mark

Sunshine: Okay, thank god, I was starting to get worried.

Loser got possessed: mark response verbatim “jesus fucking christ she *what*?” anyway we’re on our way to the hospital  👍

Closet case: Guys. What the fuck

Shawty: average day in polycule tbh

dig dug: oh glad to see i didnt miss anything important in the what 13 minutes i looked away from the chat

Shawty: it was an hour and a half calm down drama queen

dig dug: why did you even take cantrip to the hospital. she probably would’ve been fine if you just bandaged her up and gave her ibuprofen.

Shawty: i mean that looks like a lot of blood man idk i wouldn’t know abt that

dig dug: my statement stands

Shawty: ACCIDENTQALLY LET IT SLIP TO TIDE THAT CANTRIP IS IN THE HOSPITAL. BACK IN THE CAR CHAT

DC!!!: me + vynce are getting froyo if anyone cares

dig dug: 20 bucks you manage to burn the place down

DC!!!: easy money thers no way were gonna find a way to burn the fucking froyo shop down dude

Loser got possessed: so i just watched mark turn around and him and ttide made. kind of weirdly long eye contact. 🏳️‍🌈?

Shawty: DUDE I TOLD YOU THEYRE GAY

Closet case: can we stop worrying about wether or not your dads are fucking. Is cantrip okay

Shawty: yeah she's fine dw

Closet case: GOOD. If she was dead I'd have to go on a like revenge arc or something stupid like that

Shawty: lmao that IS stupid

DC!!!: so. bsd news

DC!!!: [Image Attachment: A photo of a building which has a neon sign hanging above the door saying “Frosty Froyo” with a stylized drawing of a bowl of froyo next to it. It’s a bit hard to make out any other details of the building, as it is completely on fire. There is a fire truck and firemen putting out the fire, and the photo is taken from across the street.]

Chapter Text

catnip: I lived bitches

Closet case: shame

Closet case: well, third times that charm i guess

catnip: you fuckung wish you'll never kill me i'm like unkillable dude

Closet case: Literally what

dig dug: i can confirm she is, in fact, unkillable

Sunshine: Cantrip! I'm glad you're feeling better :) Did they let you go home?

catnip: yeppp chilling out rn

catnip: might go to the store in a little 

dig dug: get me a mountain dew

catnip: yknow what sure

Closet case: I'm sure there's nothing wrong with this idea at all in any way.

catnip: ofc not

Closet case: how are any of you still alive

dig dug: spite and sheer luck

Sunshine: Positive vibes and lesbianism

dig dug: i mean not all of us are even alive

Closet case: you can just say william it's okay

Sunshine: Well, he's kind of alive, isn't he?

Closet case: He's been pronounced dead like 3 separate times I think

Sunshine: He got better!

Sunshine: Plus he's not legally dead, WATCH took care of that.

dig dug: when will my husband (cantrip) return from the war (the gas station)

catnip: first off you live like half a mile away and second off dude they have fucking orea coke

dig dug: wait what

catnip: i need to know what it taste like actually

Sunshine: If you're at the store and you're going to be coming back, could you bring me an iced tea? I'll pay you back :)

catnip: dw i got it

Closet case: Weirdly normal conversation we've been having. when is everything gonna go wrong

dig dug: lmao

dig dug: actually the pd have been pretty quiet today

dig dug: @Shawty hey did you die again

Shawty: FIRST OF ALL. DIE.

Closet case: Well there goes our pleasant conversation 

Shawty: second of all FOR YIUR INFORMATION

Shawty: i am being wracked with an indescribable exhaustion and the others are asleep

Shawty: except ashe she's doing homework rn i think

Shawty: were on call

Shawty: [Image Attachment: A zoomed in photos of William's laptop, which is displaying a discord call. Ashe has her camera on, and headphones around her ears. She's wearing a black hoodie that looks suspiciously like William's. Dakota's hair can be barely seen in the frame of the photo.]

dig dug: weirdly domestic considering the shit you guys get up to

Loser got possessed: we are frequently domestic

Shawty: ASHE :D

Loser got possessed: will :)

Closet case: @catnip Why aren't we like that :(

cantip: because I hate you

Closet case: </3 

catnip: @dig dug @Sunshine can one of you please get the door

Sunshine: Oh, sorry! Give me a second, I'll be there :)

Closet case: Seriously, it’s far too normal right now.

Someone think of a funny na…: What the fuck is a french crueller

dig dug: goddamnit x

Shawty: ITS LITERALLY JUST A DONUT VYNCE

Someone think of a funny na…: Why would it be named like that?!?!??!?

catnip: no actually hold on let him cook he has a point

Someone think of a funny na…: Why would it be named with the world ‘cruel’ if nothing was wrong with it??

Someone think of a funny na…: I think they are made with human meat. 

Loser got possessed: im leaving the call

Loser got possessed: theyre yelling abt this

Loser got possessed: dakotas siding with vynce. for some reason

Loser got possessed: why must my type be chronic himbos 💔

Closet case: God same

Loser got possessed: arent you supposed to be straight

Closet case: I have eyes

catnip: YOURE SO REAL FOR THAT /yuri

Shawty: ok guess i will Perish

dig dug: wouldnt be the first time

catnip: good ❤️

Shawty: Im Leaving This Fucking Polycule

Someone think of a funny na…: :(

Shawty: Post Canceled

Loser got possessed: okay kanaya maryam

Shawty: DIE 

catnip: will you are just taking L after L

Shawty: thats why theres two in my name !

dig dug: …

catnip: …

Loser got possessed: …

DC!!!: whjat are we dot dot doting

Loser got possessed: will made a bad pun

DC!!!: oh. william you should be ashamed

Shawty: i CANNOIT stop loosing

catnip: it's part of the failboy charm

Shawty: stop

Loser got possessed: the loserguy swag?

catnip: i think thats an oxymoron

Loser got possessed: youre an oxymoron

Closet case: i miss the normal conversation

Someone think of a funny na…: Don’t call people morons :(

catnip: you kill people

Someone think of a funny na…: And?

DC!!!: YOU call people morons????

Someone think of a funny na…: ………And?

Shawty: cmon guys we all know that laws dont apply to vyncent

Someone think of a funny na…: Exactly. See William always gets what I mean

Homophobic chat

og: IM FHOGING TO KRILL MY SELF

#4: why do you wish that was you

#4: [Image Attachment: I know what you are dog]

og: i can eb gay ein peace 

og: they amerk it My Pereoblem

og: os. Kieslling myself today tori ro wtvq eth meme was

#3: Dakota, I love you, but thats hard for even me to read.

#2: “so. killing myself today tori or wtv the meme was”

#4 changed #2’s name to Typo translator

#4: I KNOW that it throws off the count but it's FUNNY

og changed Typo translator’s name to #2

og: not fuenny enough <3

#4: this is a dictatorship were going to unionize

#5: No were not

#4: thjs is why i never back you up on anything.

#5: ok 👍

Somebody call 911

Shawty: you guys all went like weirdly quiet what happened

catnip: busy being homophobic

DC!!!: njo werer not

DC!!!: i dont even belidve in hujompohioba

DC!!!: yur i yaoi i se no diffnernce

dig dug: what about that weird and fucked up mix of yuri and yaoi where a man and woman date

DC!!!: tjat oen we need to Kil;

Loser got possessed: shit man will we gotta pack it up

catnip: i dont think theres one fully straight relationship in this polycule . its too gender fucked 4 that

Shawty: (in the look at all these chickens voice) look at alll theseeeeee trannies

Closet case: hey @Loser got possessed do you wanna go on a heterosexual date as a bit

Loser got possessed: why me 

Closet case: summer scares me and i'm pretty sure cantrip is a lesbian

Loser got possessed: Honestly. fair

Loser got possessed: bet

DC!!!: wait no

DC!!!: sotp

catnip: love… loses?

DC!!!: loev lsoes eveey da y i m forcedx ot live width these dumabsses !!!

Shawty: love wins ? wrong! three shot rang out from the shadows of the doorway

catnip: will what does that mean

Shawty: oh my god i have an album i need you to lsiten to

Shawty: hold on ill dm you

Closet case: Okay. Moving on from that

Loser got possessed: yknow id ask if you like froyo but SOMEONE burned the building down

DC!!!: AND THANJK GOD

Closet case: Is doug going to kill us if we go to lickity split

DC!!: *IM* GOING 2 KILL YOU

dig dug: nah

Closet case: Oh bet

catnip: sex joke

Loser got possessed: which thing is being sex joked

catnip: originally was supposed to be the words lickety split but actually theres other homosexuality up there so interpret as u will

Loser got possessed: lickity split is a. normal phrase?? that people use ????

catnip: anything can be a sex joke if u believe ashe

Closet case: okay but like when are you free

Loser got possessed: uhhh like saturday ? i think

Closet case: Oh same you good around like 1?

Loser got possessed: yeah :D

DC!!!: i resent everything about this

catnip: x mr steal yo girl avier

DC!!!: im going to burn th. wait fuck that was tactical i cant burn lickity pslitn down

catnip: oh my god first heterosexual polycule date

Chapter Text

catnip: who the fuck replaced my shampoo with hair dye 

DC!!: ????? ur hairs already died it’s fine

catnip: [Image Attachment: a photo or a disgruntled cantrip. her hair is weirdly red?]

DC!!: o hey we’re matching 

catnip: dakota if you did this my hair is not going to be the only thing that’s died today 

Shawty: that doesn’t make sense????

Closet case: Her fucking LOOK is dead LMAO

catnip: STFU STFU ITS FINE

catnip: i acn fix this

Closet case: Idk if you can I'll be honest with you trip your whole thing was being purple

Shawty: go green. live up to ur name

catnip: you sound like a recycling company rn 

catnip: also that would fry my hair

Closet case: You when you have to recycle the same five outfits because most of your clothes are purple

catnip: if anorher one hour shower can’t fix this someones dying okay

Closet case: Just like your hair omg

Closet case: Okay it’s been thirty minutes I don’t think she was joking

Loser got possessed: the water bill is about to be insane 

Loser got possessed: just steal some of wills blue dye girly it will mix back 2 ourple

Closet case: Maybe don’t 

Closet case: Steal?

Loser got possessed: I forgot that you, as a heterosexual, are not allowed to do crime

Closet case: I dont think anyones allowed to commit crime

Loser got possessed: you clearly dont know about the secret gay laws

Closet case: Definitely not

Loser got possessed: huh wuh hey 

Shawty: so we’ve reached the 45 minute mark is cantrip back yet

Shawty: wait what was that about stealing my blue

Loser got possessed: nothing literally ntohing ever. xavier can tou elaborate 

catnip: i am going to kill whoever messed with my shampoo

Shawty: YAAAYYY SHES BACK

Closet case: yknow what isnt back? 

Closet case: her hair color

catnip: [Image Attachment: The same photo. She’s a bit less red? ]

Loser got possessed: welcome to the red-purple club ig

Someone think of a funny na…: Never let me get talked into letting William drive ever again.

Loser got possessed: horrible message to receive after 20 minutes of silence in the group chat

Shawty: crashed the car :( 

dig dug: where did you even get a car lmao

Someone think of a funny na…: We stole it.

catnip: yeah that sounds about right

DC!!!: I left you gusy alone for like three seconds 

Shawty: yeah and in that time we stole, hotwired, then crashed a car

Someone think of a funny na…: William stole, hotwired, and crashed a car. I just watched.

DC!!!: I think thays worse cause you LET him

catnip: vyncent standing watching the train hit 5 people

Someone think of a funny na…: What?

catnip: yknow like the trolley problem

catnip: wait do you not know about the trolley problem

Someone think of a funny na…: Not from around here.

catnip: oh shit yea

catnip: basically the idea is there's a train headed for 5 people and you're next to a lever which will switch the track to just being one person 

Someone think of a funny na…: Why can't they just move?

catnip: theyre tied down 

Someone think of a funny na…: Who tied them down?

catnip: dunno you're not really supposed to ask questions, it's a thought experiment

Someone think of a funny na…: Oh. Why would anyone not switch the track?

catnip: accountability mostly

catnip: if you switch the track you're taking an active role in what's happening 

Someone think of a funny na…: Oh okay. 

Someone think of a funny na…: The car just caught on fire.

catnip: does vyncent still have a tracker on him it’s been like 20 minutes

catnip: i think theyre fucking dead chatters

Someone think of a funny na…: [ Image Attachment: a shaky photo of william and vyncent giving peace signs. they’re sitting down on the pavement and vaguely bruised up.]

catnip: not again

cantip: atleast it wasn’t our car

DC!!: we font have. a car????????????

Someone thing of a funny na…: Yes, that’s why we stole one. We’ve been over this.

DC!!: vynce r yuo good

Someone think of a funny na…: Physically, I am fine.

Loser got possessed: what about mentally

Someone think of a funny na…: Physically, I am fine.

catnip: LMAO?

catnip: ur so real for that vyncent

Shawty: ok the burning car is NO LONGER OUR PROBLEM!!!

Shawty: time for icecream

DC!!!: what did you do with the car.

Shawty: Not Our Problem Anymore!

dig dug: average day in the polycule

DC!!!: WER GONAN GT ARESTED 

DC!!!: AGIAN

Shawty: don't worry there were no witnesses 

Someone think of a funny na…: Have some faith in us, Dakota :(

catnip: look what you did hes frowny facing

DC!!!: yoy people r isnane

Loser got possessed: yeah but you love us

DC!!!: TRUE! <3

dig dug: oh hell yeah we got the good ending

dig dug: great job gamers

Shawty: the fuck does that mean ??

dig dug: not a gamer . we must kick him from the polycule

dig dug: all in favor say aye

catnip: aye

Loser got possessed: aye

Shawty: ASHE ????

Loser got possessed: sorry will you revealed youre not a gamer… i must kick you…

Shawty: why am i beign fucking among us ejected

Sunshine: I think he was faking wires….

Shawty: HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ABOUT AMONG US?????????????

Sunshine: You seem to underestimate my knowledge of everything ever, William. I'm on the internet? I was in highschool?? 

catnip: to be fair you did ask what a sigma was

Sunshine: Still confused on that! Does not make sense!

DC!!!: whjat is a simga 

Shawty: if any of you tell him i am going to dakota kill myself. 

catnip: INSANE SENTENCE ???

dig dug: just another day in the somebody call 911 chat i fuckin guess

catnip: youve made some variation of that joke twice in the past 20 minutes

dig dug: literally shut up. dakota kill yourself

catnip: misogyny???/???? you hate women ????????

dig dug: homophobia, actually

dig dug: cant stand the gays

Sunshine: [Video Attachment: It’s thirty seconds of an either sleep deprived or drunk Doug rambling about Andrew Garfield. ]

dig dug: WHY DO YOU HVA E A VIDEO OF TAHT???????

catnip: LMAO CALLOUT POST 

dig dug: SUMMER WHAT THE FUCK

dig dug: I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS

Sunshine: We are friends!

Shawty: CONTEXT????

Sunshine: I feel like it is pretty obvious!

catnip: it is just really not

Sunshine: 🤷‍♀️

catnip: loud sigh. at least we have gay-blackmail-yay.mp4 

Shawty: if nothing else we have gay-blackmail-yay.mp4

Loser got possessed: and yuri

Shawty: AND YURI AMEN

catnip: god bless prime

catnip: okay so william has had me listening to this band recently and there is just fucking eldritch chanting in my ears what the fuck will

Shawty: RED SIGNAL !! fucking banger

Closet case: What the FUCK are you two talking about

catnip:   https://themechanisms.com/welcome-to-the-aurora/ required reading

Closet case: I ain’t reading allat

catnip: then die by my blade 

Closet case: Take a gal to dinner first

catnip: ???

Shawty: congrats on the transition x 

Closet case: wait no

Closet case: I was trying to be funny

Shawty: its ok prolonged interaction with ashe winters will make anyone trans

Loser got possessed: Factually true statement !

Loser got possessed: theres like. Spores. In the air around me

DC!!!: thsi is wh y ism so generfrak 

Someone think of a funny na…: There actually were spores on Fauna that did that.

Loser got possessed: ROAD TRIP . 

catnip: FORCEFEM MUSHROOMS ON FAUNA ?

Shawty: hold on i NEED to ask him wtf he means by that

catnip: you can just say youre going to be gay man its not hard

Shawty: die

Shawty: also apparently??? yeah???? forecfem mushroms???? or more they sort of intgrate you into a greater hivemind. which is apparently entirely female

DC!!!: wjld fukcing shit

catnip: everything i hear about vyncents world makes it sound less and less real

Someone think of a  funny na…: It’s very real.

DC!!!: ium ogiujnfg to do somethign drastic nthweyre cuddling int the klving room asgain

Catnip: keep it in homophobic chat kota we have it for a reason

DC!!!: myu homophobia cannotf bbew canontained

DC!!: contained

Loser got possessed: hey, first try

DC!!!: :D!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!

Closet case: How did that 1 get there you’re on your phone

DC!!!: ashut up gvayboy

Closet case: :( 

Shawty: gay ass frown

catnip: no no kota youre looking for cool it gay GIRL . transitioning remember

Closet case: Am I being forcefemed ? 

Loser got possessed: yeag

Loser got possessed: The Spores remember

Closet case: I feel like I should be upset about this !

catnip: are you not. kinda egg behavior x

Closet case: Moving On.

Shawty: I feel like we unlocked osmehting 

Closet case: Moving On!

catnip: nah we moving off lets talk about your gender identity . would you like boobs

Sunshine: In my mouth!

Shawty: WHAT

Chapter Text

hey gang. noc here

ten characters for the thing idfk . i ghope this works

Chapter Text

SOMEBODY CALL 911

Loser got possessed: dakota cole crime of the day: turned off autocorrect on vyncs phone

Someone think of a funny na…: yypifng us so gafr

Someone think of a funny na…: hsrd

Someone think of a funny na…: :(

catnip: lmao????? why

DC!!!: gay crimes 

Someone think of a funny na…: hws doui iturn ist bak omn

Sunshine: Oh dear.

Someone think of a funny na…: koatwonts tel me

Someone think of a funny na…: ehlp

catnip: just ask will???

Loser got possesed: he’s not here

Someone think of a funny na…: nro hetre

Loser got possessed: yeah that

Loser got possessed: had to do smth with the spirits in deadwood

Loser got possessed: the aforementioned gay crime was vyncent attempting to figure out how to get different colored heart emojis so he could send william the blue ones bc thats his favorite color

Closet case: so are gay crimes when you break gay laws

Loser got possessed: well in this case the crime was being too gay

Loser got possessed: but as we all know gay people are above the law so they can only be punished by other gay people

Loser got possessed: and gay people would never be cops

Closet case: yes but the aforementioned gay law mentioned last chapter

Closet case: i mean yesterday

catnip: why does x get to be deadpool i wanna be deadpool

Shawty: looks at camera

Sunshine: Wait, I thought I was Deadpool in this one?

Loser got possessed: we’re all deadpool in our hearts

Shawty: i wish i had deadpool in me or touching my heart

DC!!!: whjat the fucka re you guys talking abt

Closet case: Literally nothing ever

catnip: william wants to fuck ryan reynolds

dig dug: who doesnt

Loser got possessed: pretty sure he wants ryan reynolds to fuck him

catnip: semantics

Shawty: LETS MOVE ON.

Closet case: No, actually. Let’s not. Let’s dwell on this one.

Shawty: xavier go back to having a gender crisis

Closet case: No, if I’m not allowed to change the topic when it gets weird you’re not allowed to. Please, elaborate on ryan reynolds

Shawty: ryan reynolds doesn't need to be defended id just prefer we didnt debate whos giving what to who

catnip: prude

Shawty: cantrip you said you wanted summer to nurse you back to health like a baby bird and then asked if that was weird i dont need to take shit from you

catnip: AND I STAND BEHIND THAT STATEMENT OKAY

dig dug: are we all just ignoring the gore statement

catnip: guy who can come back to life is into gore? fork found in kitchen?

Shawty: have you guys ever seen vyncent gut an animal its kinda hot

Closet case: Okay, we’re moving on now

Shawty: nah you wanted to stay on the topic man. 

Sunshine: Why are we staying on men?

catnip: GOOD QUESTION! lets talk abt women

dig dug: i’m good y’all have fun

Shawty: worlds worst bisexual man

dig dug: that is bold coming from someone who has been described as “failboy” on more than one occasion by several different people

Shawty: being failboy is the most bisexual thing you can do

dig dug: i would argue being sexually attracted to both men and women is

Shawty: youd argue wrong

dig dug: damn, can't argue with that

Shawty: exactylyyyyyyyy

Closet case: Late to the discussion but I’m ruling in favor of women 👍

Shawty: is the gender crisis back yet

Closet case: What no. I just like women

Shawty: someone get this egg spinny dresses and a blahaj stat

Loser got possessed: i actually do have a blahaj

Loser got possessed: x come hold this shark and then tell me how you feel

Shawty: i miss spinny dresses. unfortunately the Emotions

DC!!!: okasy you klnow how women pant dont have pockets. Do you think the emoeiton would go aweay if we just sewed a bunch of pockerts onto a skirt

Shawty: dakota im in love with you

Shawty: absolutely not, no

DC!!!: Aw :(

Loser got possessed: but will think of how much cargo you could carry. pocket skirt.

Shawty: if i carry cargo it wont go spinny tho. only reason for skirts is spinny

DC!!!: UNTRUE! comfy

Shawty: correction. for a trans dude only reason for skirts is spinny

DC!!!: we dont have a lrge enough sample sized to confirm oir dney

Shawty: guess youll just have to take my word for it then

DC!!!: wait hold on

DC!!: is orgisami cis

DC!!!: @Somebody think of a funny name for this guy

Somebody think of a funny na…: hselop me turndsmy autroorecct bcka on and iell yotru

DC!!!: yoyve suffered enougfh for gay cirmes. cmerse adn ill do it

Somebody think of a funny na…: ysaay

DC!!!: WE HAVE EXPANDED OUR SAMPLE SIZE TO TWO ☝️

DC!!!: however origami has stated that he did not ever wear skirts. even as a kid

DC!!!: to quote “you fuckers ask weird fuckn quiestions. No? Nnot that I rmmeber at least.”

DC!!!: so many yypos

DC!!!: whjy is typoing so hard

Somebody think of a funny na…: Good question.

Somebody think of a funny na…: Oh this sucks. Why does he have everything on auto? Jesus. 

catnip: ????????????????

Somebody think of a funny na…: Why does my head hurt so much? Where the fuck do you people keep the ibuprofen. 

Shawty: bathroom. duh.

Shawty: why did you have to ask him :/

Closet case: Hi. I’m confused

Somebody think of a funny na…: Damn that sucks.

Somebody think of a funny na…: Anyway.

Shawty: die. badly. again.

Someone think of a funny na…: Oh not this guy. 

Someone think of a funny na…: Makes this fucker go all stupid. Annoying as hell.

catnip: even dead hero origami who is for some reason on vyncents phone now is sick of their shit

Somebody think of a funny na…: Possession.

catnip: wanna elaborate at all on that?

Somebody think of a funny na…: Nah. 

catnip: cool

catnip: so like.do we add him to the homophobic chat orrr

DC!!!: no. becvause vyncent ngonna get hsi bodys back everntually

catnip: MAIN CHAT HOMOPHOBIA!!!!! CHEERS

dig dug: whooooooo

Somebody think of a funny na…: Least enthusiastic whoo ever.

catnip: cmon inf cheer for homophobia

dig dug: i did.

dig dug: whoo yeah lets go homophobia

Loser gets possessed: doug i'm beginning to think youre not actually homophobic

dig dug: you caught me. i love men.

dig dug: can't get enough of em

Shawty: your tone over text is atrocious

dig dug: it’s part of the charm.

catnip: and is this ‘charm’ in the room with us?

dig dug: i don’t have to take this from a woman who texted me for a rough hour trying to figure out what to wear to a casual hangout only to go with the same outfit she always does.

catnip: i dont have to take this from the man who called me at two in the morning crying because he thought he wasnt loveable

dig dug: you have done the same thing on more than one occasion, trip.

catnip: yeah but i show my emotions more than you do

catnip: also im not attracted to ryan reynolds which makes me stronger than you

dig dug: “bitch” isn't an emotion and at least i don’t break down when i hear the first notes of casual by chappel roan.

catnip: at least i dont break down when i hear a marching band

dig dug: we both know thats not true ruby was in marching band for two years you can’t handle hearing a trombone.

catnip: ok line crossed <3

Shawty: what the fuck are we watching

Loser got possessed: nothing healthy

dig dug: nah this is normal 

Shawty: I Guarantee You It Is Not

dig dug: you wouldn’t know normal if it burned your house down

Shawty: i mean if youre the aforementioned normal in this scenario

Shawty: i am fully aware you burned our house down

dig dug: yes. that is the joke, william.

Shawty: Autism 👍

catnip: we know

catnip: nobody in this chat is neurotypical

Closet case: ?

catnip: dude you don’t even get to try and argue that you're neurotypical

catnip: like. im shutting that one down before it even starts

catnip: youve eaten the same thing for breakfast for five years

catnip: when you get excited you start snapping repeatedly

catnip: do you remember that villain we fought who had the shoddy humming tech?

Closet case: YOU POINTED IT OUT TOO.

catnip: YEAH. BECAUSE I'M NEURODIVERGENT.

Closet case: :( 

Closet case: This is a form of bullying i think.

Shawty: stating stuff about you that’s true?

Closet case: Yeah.

Shawty: would you rather we go back to talking about your gender?

Closet case: Cantrip, go back to listing my symptoms

catnip: you have holes in the backs of your shirts bc you hate the tags so much you can’t even stand the leftover bit

catnip: also you’re transgender. not a symptom just a statement

Closet case: God dammit.

Closet case: I'm just gonna leave. this is my last straw

Shawty: the auto capitalization is gone… the queerness is taking over

Closet case: First off it WAS autocapped the I was capitalized. Also I don't think that's a symptom of gay. Case and point. Dakota

Shawty: the word “this” wasnt capitalized, and dakota has typing issues so bad auto correct cant even help most of the time hes got caps for the same reason vyncent does

Closet case: Yeah not all of us can spell or want to mess with our setting, Will. I just can't be fucked to turn em off

Shawty: dude i dont . care i just thought it was funny you did the stereotypical gay all lowercase as you were being accused of transgenderism

Closet case: Fuckin. Nevermind man

catnip: i think he's pouting

catnip: [IMAGE ATTACHMENT: a picture, slightly blurry from movement, of xavier staring up at the ceiling, laying on a couch, frowning. His phone is turned off next to him. ]

Loser got possessed: tfw youre getting forcefemmed in the polycule

Shawty: genuinely cannot tell if this forcefem thing is a bit or if x is just an egg

dig dug: tune in next time to find out on total drama polycule

Shawty: (chris mclean voice) alright campers for this next challenge you’re going to figure out if xavier gonzales is actually transgender or if it’s just an ongoing bit

catnip: further research must be conducted. im gonna do his makeup

Shawty: the most yuri activity….

catnip: we must see if he can resist the call of yuri and gender euphoria

catnip <--> Shawty

Shawty: so has summer done your makeup orr

catnip: i hope you fall off those fucking cliffs again and you dont get back up this time

Shawty: shes really good at those little eyeliner hearts people put on their cheeks you should ask her to give you some

catnip: please kill yourself

Shawty: also blending lipliners and lipstick ! she makes it look like an ombre its so cool. you should ask her to do it for you sometime

catnip: im going to strangle you and then chop up your body into little pieces and then im going to feed those pieces to street dogs except for your left eyeball which i will mail to you mother

SOMEBODY CALL 911

Closet case: You guys know I’m right here right

catnip: shut up no one asked you

Closet case: ???? You’re literally talking about me ???

Shawty: thats what you think

Closet case: Because you are??????

Shawty: nuh uh

catnip: unrelated xavier have you ever had your eyeliner done before

Closet case: Contrary to popular belief, apparently, yes

Loser got possessed: pics or it didnt happen. 

Shawty: that was a fast response

Loser got possessed: 1. everyone looks hotter in eyeliner leave me alone 2. shut up gay boy

Somebody think of a funny na…: 🏳️‍🌈

Loser got possessed: im gonna teach vyncent how to do eyeliner and see how you react then

Shawty: HIAUGDOJDW OIem.s

Someone think of a funny na…: Oh that would be fun!

Loser got possessed: hold on asking mark if i can come over

catnip: what number funeral are we on for will

catnip: is this going to be 3 or 4

DC!!!: I think like three ?

Shawty: 2.

catnip: did they just not give you a funeral the first time

Shawty: i woke up on the autopsy table bro

Shawty: no point

catnip: ohhhh ok

catnip: anyways second funeral time <3 vyncent have fun learning eyeliner

DC!!!: Why stop there. keep going. kill him few more rimes

dig dug: third time’s the charm, as they say

Shawty: ONLY if its homosexual in some way

Shawty: only allowed to kill me if there’s severe homosexual subtext

Loser got possessed: and homoerotic gore?

Shawty: duh

dig dug: is it even possible to kill you straightstyle

Shawty: falling off a cliff was pretty heterosexual tbh

DC!!!: idk falling is kidna gay

DC!!!: rmeber when you and vybcent fell off a bsullding

Shawty: We Dont Need To Talk About That

catnip: oh yeah we made bets on if you would kiss or not

catnip: i made like 100 dollars that day

catnip: x and alan had too much faith. Sad !

Shawty: You What

DC!!!: webet on if eyou wuold ksis or not. ad you didnt. Saf !

Shawty: and you bet against me???

DC!!!: Well yoy Dudnt

Shawty: IRRELEVANT.

Closet case: Relevant to my 50 dollars :/

Shawty: relevant to deez nuts lmaooooooo

catnip: oh honey.. it cannot be this bad

Shawty: let me fucking have this

catnip: you’re making a deez nuts joke to change the subject. in the year of our lord 2145.

Shawty: let me. have thsi

Chapter Text

SOMEBODY CALL 911 

Loser got possessed: i've been playing stardew valley for the past like. 9 hours

Closet case: W

Closet case: Why.

Loser got possessed: the grind doesn't stop

Closet case: ???

Loser got possessed: my farm will thrive. i have fish to catch

Shawty: honestly so real

Closet case: I didn't even realize there was that much to do in Stardew Valley

Loser got possessed: there is. so much. to do. and not enough time

Loser got possessed: xavier. buy stardew valley. join me on my farm

Closet case: Top ten sentences that fill me with insurmountable dread.

Closet case: I don't have the money to, tho

Loser got possessed: send me your steam, Ill buy it for you

Loser got possessed: youre not getting out of this.

Shawty: what 4 am does to the polycule chat

catnip: why is ashe being xaviers sugar mommy hello

Loser got possessed: i need you to never phrase it like that again

catnip: stop being a sugar mommy then

Loser got possessed: cantrip i WILL put you on blast in the polycule chat do not test me

catnip: SIGHS LOUDLY. youre no fun

Loser got possessed: anyways x dm me your steam ill buy stardew foer you. we r getting cottagecore up in this bitch !!

Closet case: yes ma’am

catnip: i would thrive in a vampire world

Shawty: yeah real

dig dug: do i want you guys to elaborate

catnip: if a pretty woman pinned me down and drank my blood id just go with it

Shawty: i think youd do more than go with it

Shawty: like. knowing you and summer

catnip: ?? NAME DROPPING ??

Shawty: youd be seeking it out

Shawty: literally who the hell else would i be talking about

catnip: ohhh but when i @ vyncent telling him you need to be gay IM the bad guy huh

Shawty: THERES A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN @ING SOMEONE AND SAYING THEIR NAME

catnip: HE LITERALLY WENT AND KISSED YOU ON THE MOUTH AFTERWARDS SHUT UPPPPPP GAY BOY

Shawty: YOU AND SUMMER LICHERALLY MADE OUT COVERED IN BLOOD AND STILL HAVENT TALKED ABT IT HUSH

Loser got possessed: oh yeah while youre here will i taught vyncent eyeliner and hes p good at it. prepare yourself emotionally for that

Shawty: im gieng to dei agan

DC!!!: atwhat piont dso the furneralssjut become get togethesr

dig dug: parties, even?

Shawty: yuo mock me. you mock me in my time of pain.

Shawty: i am NOT eating another bag of stale cool ranch doritos

catnip: what

Shawty: DONT AZK.

Shawty: also dakota why are you up

DC!!!: Ist fiev in the nmorning

DC!!!: gioing foer a riun

catnip: dakota why do you hate yourself

DC!!!: mianly guilt ovre the apst

DC!!!: i amean wheat

catnip: ????

Shawty: its ok we have court mandated therapy tomorrow

catnip: and thank god for that

catnip: the one good thing our justice system has ever done: get the prime defenders some fucking therapy

Loser got possessed: hey guys why is tide in our house

Loser got possessed: like . i went downstairs to get a snack and hes just. there. hello

Loser got possessed: the tide and mark in love joke was funny guys but i dont think its a joke anymore why is he in my house its five in the morning

Shawty: what the Fuck

Closet case: Having no basis for who Mark and Tide are other than “the professional WATCH hero Tide” and “the fucking terrifying supervillain Wavelngth” makes this so weird

Shawty: see you must understand x. its even weirder for us. because those are our dads

Shawty: did you know their favorite colors are eachother’s signature colors

Loser got possessed: WHAT

Shawty: i asked for christmas last year

Shawty: mark said blue tide said green

Loser got possessed: oh my god they’re fucking

Somebody think of a funny na…: Who’s fucking????

Shawty: are you so sure you want to know vynce

Shawty: you cannot go back after this

Somebody think of a funny na…: If it’s Mark and Tide, I knew already.

Loser got possessed: LMAO

Loser got possesed: relationship so obvious even VYNCENT caught on

catnip: wow. impressive

catnip: cant figure out his own relationship. but the old man yaoi is so obvious he cannot remain blind

Somebody think of a funny na…: ???

Somebody think of a funny na…: I’m aware of my relationship????

Somebody think of a funny na…: How do you think I got into the polycule???

catnip: EXCUSE ME????

Shawty: wgat. ?

Somebody think of a funny na…: Will are we not dating???????????

Loser got possessed: WHATTTTTTT

DC!!!: im going to kill a man.

catnip: worlds biggest plot twist ever: william was secretly the oblivious one

Somebody think of a funny na…: I walked up to you and kissed you when Cantrip made a joke about you ‘needing to get gay’??? Was this not extremely obvious????????? Did we not all know this???

Loser got possessed: sorry vynce i think you killed him

Somebody think of a funny na…: Not again :(

catnip: i feel as if. you should maybe go find william

catnip: before he has a heart attack and/or convinces himself he’s dreaming or something

Somebody think of a funny na…: 👍

Loser got possessed: guys

Loser got possessed: i finally thought of a funny name

Loser got possessed changed Somebody think of a funny name for this guy ’s name to Secretly the most competent

catnip: im in shock i think. what do you mean vyncent thought they were already dating

DC!!!: I may actually lose it

catnip: dakota cole grammar oh shit that's how you know the situation is serious 

dig dug: it is like. 7 in the morning.

dig dug: great job guys

Loser got possessed: see you jest but we just fixed one of the biggest running issues in the polycule

Loser got possessed: william “would rather die again than risk losing his situationship/friendship with vynce” wisp and vyncent “gets his powers from uber autism” sol are actually officially dating probably

Loser got possessed: we have done a great deed today

Closet case: Quick someone else get into a situationship and be really annoying about it

catnip: you can NOT be talking

Closet case: NIETHER CAN YOU

Loser got possessed: x youre in a situationship with your gender

catnip: AND SEXUALITY

Loser got possessed: cantrip. i dont have all the words to encompass what you and summer are doing

Sunshine: Yuri!

Sunshine: The word you're looking for is yuri.

Loser got possessed: so you’re dating?

Sunshine: .

catnip: .

Loser got possessed: man i am on a ROLL today

DC!!!: ssomething jsut hit the floor abodvew me relay loud

Sunshine: 😳

DC!!!: oh dgohs i dont think ia wanna be here antmore

DC!!!: tghsi is liek. fiev years of unresl9oved tensiosn. ahse im coming tyo your house

catnip: sex joke

Closet case: Bro I don't think it's a joke anymore…

catnip: the sex joke was about coming but yeah. good 4 them ig

Closet case: I think I need to become homophobic actually

dig dug: stealing my job

DC!!!: MMMYYYY job

dig dug: fair

dig dug: i can only aspire to be as homophobic as dakota cole

catnip: homophobic dog image

Closet case: Something something live long enough to see yourself become the thing you seek to destroy

catnip: lol that would never happen to us

Closet case: . I’ve had a realization.

catnip: thats a first

Closet case: We all owe Alan twenty dollars

Closet case: His bet in the ghost knife pool is two weeks from today. He won.

Closet case: Fuck off cantrip

DC!!!: catnrip yuo have to teach me how to yuri so we can kill ecahother

catnip: one youre already genderfreak enough to yuri two its twenty dollars bro its not that deep

catnip: are you going to kill yourself over twenty dollars

DC!!!: msybe

catnip: calm down william

DC!!!: we can fix thsi. we have to kill will

Loser got possessed: honest to god there’s a 60% chance one of them is injured when you go back to base

Loser got possessed: guy who’s brand is knife and guy who can die and come back are currently alone in a house with a lot of emotions. 

DC!!!: YROUR MAKING IT WORSE. IM GONNA GET BAVK AND THEIYR GOJNA BE BFUCKING HOMOWEORTICALLU PATCHING EACHOTHER UP OR SOEMTHING

catnip: at least now theyre both aware its homoerotic?

catnip: that might make it worse actually

DC!!!: bsnghing my eha djnto a wall

dig dug: yknow what else is banging

DC!!!: imgoing to push you off. a buidlifg

dig dug: what else is new

catnip: what are the chances they're just not fucking and like william just tripped and fell or something stupid

Loser got possessed: in any other circumstance with any other people very high. however. i turn your attention to the fact that this has been going on for five years and theyre both fucking freaks in multipule meanings of the word

dig dug: five years feels like pushing it. like maybe two.

Loser got possessed: a few months pre-trickster, like a year while i was possessed, and two years post now

Loser got possessed: so like. three ish i guess. but still a long time

catnip: yeah but this is william “catholic guilt” wisp were talking about

Loser got possessed: didnt william “catholic guilt” wisp say he thought it was hot when vyncent gutted animals like a week ago

Closet case: William “catholic guilt” Wisp is playing both ends of the spectrum so hard. He gets flustered holding hands with a guy

catnip: speaking from experience?

Closet case: Yeah.

catnip: but youre not gay

Closet case: Correct.

catnip: ……

Loser got possessed: ………

DC!!!: …………………………..

Closet case: Every time I send a message in this chat I regret it

dig dug: eyyy

dig dug: i regret opening this chat every time i do

catnip: we can tell.

catnip: ignoring them

catnip: ashe

catnip: are you the betting type

Loser got possessed: $20 they're fucking

catnip: BET

DC!!!: im betting agsint not because thags what i think is hagappening. but because in times of crsiis you have to hpld onto hope

Closet case: Yeah, they're fucking

dig dug: i think will's too much of a coward 

Loser got possessed: yeah but vyncent isnt. and he thought they were dating for god knows how long

Loser got possessed: hes at least gonna make them talk. and most likely. theyre fucking

Loser got possessed: vyncent “i am better than him i killed him” sol and william “i physically cannot die” wisp are alone in a house with lots of uncorked feelings i see no other solutions tbh

Sunshine: Have to agree with Ashe here! Sorry :(

catnip: its ok summer you can do no wrong

Sunshine: Sure :)

catnip: :))))))

DC!!!: >:(

Closet case: ???

Loser got possessed: just let them do this

Loser got possessed: it’s some lost form of communication

Closet case: So we're officially getting to “concerning amount of time that Vyncent and William have been radio silent”

DC!!!: who the fuck says radio silent

Closet case: Me??

DC!!!: lpser. yuore not een in radiso sielndce

Closet case: What?

DC!!!: wjat

DC!!!: inm noet chaekcin on thekm

catnip: dakota. you may have to check on them

DC!!!: oen of yuo do it

catnip: dakota you live with them

DC!!!: ime at ashes hosue

DC!!!: yuo konw our aderss

catnip: ashes house is like a ten minute walk its so much closer than our base

DC!!!: MYABE ID DOTN WATB TO WLAK ISN ON EMY BEST FIRNENDS AHVEUBNG BLODY SEX OK CANTRIRP

cantrip: IT'S SCHRODINGER'S SEX, DAKOTA, WE HAVE TO OPEN THE BOX

catnip: IT HAS TO BE YOU

DC!!!: NO

DC!!!: I REFSUE

Loser got possessed: im going to check on them

catnip: aww but i was having fun bullying kota

Loser got possessed: sad!

catnip: alright its been like

catnip: four minutes

catnip: whats the verdict

Loser got possessed: you owe me 20 dollars

catnip: FUCK

catnip: CURSE YOU YOU FREAKY ASS GAYS

catnip: COST ME 20 DOLLARS

Closet case: “curse you you freaky ass gays” Okay Cantrip.

DC!!!: ahse come bcak. leave fhem tot heir shame

Loser got possessed: do you think this will make it better or worse?

DC!!!: WORSE. so mfuch wprse

catnip: ashe on a scale of one to ten how much blood was there

Loser got possessed: like a three but vyncent had a knife when i opened the door so

DC!!!: ime. maknig tehm claen up

Loser got possessed: i cant think of a single thing i learned from this experience, actually

Loser got possessed: cant put a positive spin on this one gang

Sunshine: Do we execute them now?

Loser got possessed: i think so. sounds about right

Loser got possessed: death 2 the gays

catnip: GODBLESS !

Chapter Text

SOMEBODY CALL 911

Closet case: Never let Ashe show me music . ever again. 

Loser got possessed: x that was like entry level shit

Loser got possessed: hold on wait ive got a better song

Closet case: I’m going to get a restraining order.

catnip: ?

Loser got possessed: I had him listen to I/me/myself

catnip: ohh yeah that makes sense

Loser got possessed: x come listen to blue foster with me

Loser got possessed: it won't cause any emotions. I promise

Closet case: I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

Loser got possessed: you shouldn't.

catnip: it’s been 5 minutes so?

Closet case: gh

catnip: yeah i expected that

catnip: just remember whatever youre going through, dakota cole has it worse

Closet case: Y’know what. You're right.

DC!!!: i sufer mjore tahn jsesus

Shawty: youre being dramatic

DC!!!: i hjate gay people

Shawty: sighs

Shawty: ik cavetown is transmasc music but i think ☝️you should listen to boys will be bugs x

Shawty: and boys dont cry.

Shawty: hold on let me pull up spotify

Closet case: Lalalalalalala I can’t hear you

Shawty: some of these songs would call out the rest of you so hard tbh

Loser got possessed: making a playlist as we speak

Shawty: doug i know youre incapable of feeling emotion but i do think you would have a fun time listening to tongues and teeth by the crane wives

dig dug: 👍

Shawty: absolutely nothingburger response . what does that mean. 

dig dug: yknow.

Shawty: i dont.  great work as always

Sunshine: His door is locked so most likely he’s crying!

dig dug: no

Sunshine: Sure, Jan!

Loser got possessed: too much chappel roan on here already get me more songs guys

Loser got possessed: we are in fact going to all pile into a car and go on a roadtrip listening on shuffle. By The Way

Shawty: suddenly much scarier

Loser got possessed: I’m going to put a random rickroll in here actually

DC!!!: i just walked into the kitchen and saw vyncent cooking while will was sitting ont he coiunter . i m ogoinf to kll them

catnip: you either die bothered by the situationship or live long enough to be annoyed by the sappy faggotry

catnip: dakota if you want to cry over something else you can listen to i will by mitski

DC!!!: i djont tfink im gonna do taht

Closet case: So is Dakota on his homophobic arc (continued) or on his jealousy arc btw I can’t tell

catnip: interesting topic shift ??

catnip: dakota are you will n vynce dating or no

DC!!!: pborbaly

catnip: probably what

DC!!!: ywah <3

Loser got possessed: yeah <3

DC!!!: hshstag jsut pride defnders things <3

Closet case: Didn’t you know? In order to be a Prime Defender you have to sign a waiver saying you’ll never talk about your emotions ever!

Loser got possessed: untrue actually you just have to be deeply weird about it

Loser got possessed: one of the first few conversation I had with dakota was him being deeply weird about his emotions actually

Loser got possessed: fond memories

catnip: and the you got possessed

Loser got possessed: and then I got possessed.

Shawty: oh yeah we lowk just showed up at your house

Shawty: dakota just like entered your room and started saying shit while me and vyncent tortured doug and cantrip in the basement

Shawty: wow first polycule meetup was in the winters house

dig dug: fond memories

Shawty: ……………so is that sarcasm or

dig dug: fond memories.

catnip: taking that to mean he was into it

dig dug: wild statement

catnip: note the lack of denial

Sunshine: ?

Sunshine: I have several questions?

catnip: william tortured us in a basement with energy drinks we’re moving on

catnip: doug was into it. this is the current line of questioning

Shawty: not really a question

catnip: shut up gay boy. go back to making out with your boyfriend

Shawty: ok <3 yay <3

dig dug: i have several things to say

dig dug: 1. cantrip im going to be honest i barely remember that day because first off, a lot happened, and second off i think i genuinely have some sort of brain damage from all that?

dig dug: 2. i was far too distracted by william’s shitty poetry

catnip: oh yeah i forgot about that

dig dug: how on earth anyone could forget that

dig dug: jade it was the worst thing ive ever heard

Shawty: hey :( 

dig dug: shut up gay boy

Shawty: no :( i will keep talking

Catnip: its been five minutes youve been pretty unsuccesful in talking

Shawty: ive been explaining the lore of homestuck in dougs dms

Loser got possessed: oh my god why would you do that to a man

Shawty: spite mainly

Shawty: he seems semi interested he keeps critiquing the inventory system

dig dug: its a stupid system

catnip: it gets worse dw

Loser got possessed: doug getting the plot of homestuck via oral storytelling all as it should be

catnip: oral joke

Loser got possessed: yeahh but i cant say sex and homestuck in the same sentence they cancel eachother out

Shawty: uhhh something something dirk strider oral head joke

catnip: weak. try again

Shawty: no

catnip: pussy

Shawty: yeah thats where the oral happens

DC!!!: tjhs ocnversation is bad

Shawty: homestuck infection sorry

catnip: you should be

Loser got possessed: fauna forcefem mushrooms except they make you a homestuck

dig dug: i just did a fucking spit take hello

Secretly the most competent: None of those words are in the Bible.

Loser got possessed: on the contrary at least a few of them had to be, statistically

Shawty: not anymore

Shawty: never speak or type again btw

Loser got possessed: everyones a critic 🙄

catnip: y’know if you think about it william is kinda vriska coded

Shawty: you either! neither of you! no more words <3

Dig dug: mad because you have to hide your six magic eight balls arent you

Shawty: die

catnip: this just in william hates women </3 vriska did nothing wrong

Loser got possessed: vriska did nothing

Shawty: She Killed People?

catnip: IRRELEVANT!

Loser got possessed: will kanaya quirk moment

Shawty: actually y’know what maybe this IS a bad conversation

Shawty: what is literally anyone else doing

dig dug: summer's dying her hair

catnip: o shit fr?

dig dug: she'd have fried the shit out of it forever ago if she wasn't rubber lol

dig dug: goin back to blonde apparently

Closet case: I have a lot of questions but I feel like I won't get any answers if I ask

dig dug: you won't 

Closet case: I'm learning……

catnip: didn't think that was possible

Closet case: Hey >:(

dig dug: hey @Loser got possessed do you want one of these

dig dug: [Image Attachment: A picture of a white t-shirt laying on what looks like a bed. The t-shirt has black text on it in Arial, reading “I got my life ruined by Wavelength and all I got was this lousy shirt”. ]

Loser got possessed: oh my god?

catnip: I FORGOT ABOUT THOSE

dig dug: we made them because trip got one of those tshirt press things fucking forever ago

Loser got possessed: i actually need one

dig dug: o7

Shawty: i want one….

dig dug: have your life ruined by wavelength and maybe 

Shawty: :(

Closet case: Damn, we cannot stay on one topic

catnip: youre just jealous you don't get a shirt 

Closet case: I am just. So very not

DC!!!: Cna you mske me one that says I ruined wvalengths life

catnip: yknow what

catnip: sure

catnip: inferno you should come over and make shirts with me

catnip: like good ole times.

dig dug: you just don't want to spend money in tshirts

catnip: yep 

dig dug: fuck it sure

DC!!!: sosmfhing jsut happened

Shawty: is this yuri?

catnip: no it's wlw mlm hostility 

Shawty: of course how could I make that mistake

Closet case: Literally what are any of you saying

Loser got possessed: honestly at this point I've learned to just go along with it

Shawty: calm down grandpa we’re just using lgbtabcdefg terminology

Closet case: I wouldn't know

Loser got possessed: do we need to return to the blue foster songs

Closet case: NO.

Loser got possessed: answer my call xavier we’re gonna listen to music.

Closet case: LEAVE ME ALONE

Closet case: IM BLOCKING YOUR NUMBER

Loser got possessed: :(

catnip: homophobic. you hate gay music

Closet case: I can’t stand literally any of you

Closet case: WHAT THE FUCK DOUG

catnip: what did he do

Closet case: [Image Attachment: a screenshot of Doug and Xavier’s dms. Doug’s linked a song called I Wanna Be Your Girlfriend by Ezra Furman. Below it is a text simply reading ‘go here’. ]

dig dug: callout post on my twitter dot com

Loser got possessed: straight for the throat jesus christ

Closet case: Ashe I changed my mind you're at least nice about emotionally devastating me

Loser got possessed: if it’s any consolation i don’t think doug is. physically capable of showing any emotion ? he’s too constipated it’ll kill him

dig dug: i’m a man

dig dug: only thing i feel is rage

catnip: for the record, to destroy his credit, doug snorted when you sent that message

dig dug: die

catnip: we are in the same room. you could have said that outloud 

catnip: idiot

dig dug: needed everyone to know my official response

Loser got possessed: did your pr team help you workshop it

dig dug: yeah they told me to remove the slurs

Loser got possessed: let the record show x did pick up my call

Closet case: Let the record show I regret it.

Loser got possessed: let the record show you havent hung up yet

Closet case: Yeah.

Closet case: Well.

catnip: faggots

catnip: can someone get her some estrogen

Loser got possessed: waiter! waiter! two estrogen please

Loser got possessed: THAT GOT A LAUGH??

Closet case: IM HANGING UP

Loser got possessed: xavier proceeded to not hang up and instead hide his face in a pillow like a schoolgirl

Closet case: This is bullying.

DC!!!: hvae u ben here ever  

DC!!!: bullyin is liek

DC!!!: msot normal thing sthat happens here

catnip: oh hey kota where have you been

DC!!!: geuss

Shawty: in my defense 

DC!!!: YUO DONET GET A DEFNSE

Secretly the most competent: Do I get a defense?

DC!!!: NO

DC!!!: NEITEHR OF YUOU

catnip: ah

catnip: average ghostknife moment

Loser got possessed: it’s okay vyncent i'll be your defense lawyer

Secretly the most competent: :D 

DC!!!: no degfense wll be had

DC!!!: staright to the dungeon 

DC!!!: 7 years

DC!!!: no trail

dig dug: damn dude, no trail

DC!!!: doug dp noy test me rjghht now. i kmow shit abuot you

DC!!!: we dudnt go to tge same school for like 5 year fdor nothing

dig dug: ok

DC!!!: djd yuo gsuy know me ans doug are exes

Shawty: what

dig dug: i didnt think youd fucking go there jesus

catnip: i need you to elaborate like right now

DC!!!: in th etenth grade me and doufg kissed as a bit . and thwn it stoppe being a bit 

DC!!!: we dated for lik . 3 mronhs

catnip: new lore

Closet case: You all confuse me.

catnip: most things confuse you

Closet case: Friendship ended with Cantrip, Ashe is my new best friend

catnip: i was your best friend?????????

Loser got possessed: your gender confuses you

Closet case: All friendships ended.

Shawty: man what did i do

Closet case: :/ 

Shawty: fair point nevermind

DC!!!: ?

Closet case: …………………….Thin ice

DC!!!: YIUPPIE

Loser got possessed: dakota cole most autistic person on earth you cannot hate him its against the law

dig dug: well.

DC!!!: i rize em iwnt th etism

Loser got possessed: if he says rizz again you can hate him 

Shawty: yeah that might be my fault my b

Shawty: listen i kept him away from the s word ok

DC!!!: whats the s word

DC!!!: shit?

catnip: s*gma

dig dug: sigma balls

Shawty: can we go back to bullying xavier that was better than this

Closet case: I might actually agree on this one

Closet case: Hey Cantrip you get one court sanctioned gender joke

catnip: bet hold on let me think of a good one

Shawty: it’s been a few minutes have you thought of a good one yet?

dig dug: she got distracted by tshirt making

dig dug: oh wait

dig dug: no she thought of a good one

Closet case: ???

catnip: [Image Attachment: a picture of a white t-shirt like from earlier with the same black text, this time reading “probably a girl but i got a job.”]

Closet case: Fuck it. Sure. I’ll wear it

Shawty: you have a job?????

Closet case: No. I’m also not a girl

catnip: we have a job sometimes

Closet case: Yeah underground power fighting sorta means we’re kinda fine. Pays really well

Shawty: are you guys. still doing that????

Shawty: you dont live in freedom city anymore How

catnip: car

catnip: also did you think that was the. only ring?

Shawty: maybe i dont like thinking about the fact that our capitalistic society has driven people to invent multiple underground fighting rings just to keep themselves fed

Loser got possessed: will read marx

catnip: yeah you wouldn’t. government paycheck

Shawty: ah yes our government paycheck of ‘you get housed’

Shawty: and ashe and vynce’s tuition which is p cool ngl

catnip: you don’t have to pay for groceries your fish dad buys them for you

Shawty: true! I love tide <3

catnip: so does mark

Shawty: also true

Chapter Text

SOMEBODY CALL 911

Closet case: Actually, looking back, we moved on from the Doug and Dakota thing really quickly

Closet case: Let’s go back to that.

dig dug: inherent eroticism of soccer

catnip: italian manwhore summer?

Shawty: i think sports in general tend to be pretty gay

dig dug: can confirm.

Sunshine: I can also confirm!

Shawty: wait summer were you in sports ?

Sunshine: I was on the volleyball team for a very long time :)

catnip: holy shit

Sunshine: Hold on, let me see if I can find the yearbook photo!

Closet case: Always forget that you guys were like… normal people

dig dug: love the past tense

DC!!!: duog was nevrr nromal

dig dug: okay.

DC!!!: he screame dlike a bithc in hororr mvoies

dig dug: 😐  

dig dug: dakota cole is a lying liar who lies.

Sunshine: As someone who has watched Doug play FNAF, I can confirm!

dig dug: is this what karma feels like

Shawty: idk what it feels like but ill tell u what it tastes like

dig dug: blue raspberry recharge?

Shawty: blue raspberry recharge <3

Closet case: Record scratch. Were you going to a horror movie on a date?

DC!!!: yeah. it was kidna shit

Closet case: The date or the movie?

DC!!!: yea

dig dug: thats cause you dont know how to fucking plan dates

DC!!!: I LSDITERLALY DO ASHE TELL HIM I DP

Loser got possessed: eh

DC!!!:  WGHAT THE FUCK

DC!!!: OKAY. DOGU. YOU. ME. ARCADE FRIDAY

dig dug: wait what

DC!!!: CAUSE APAOINTELY I SHVE TO PROVE MYDELF

dig dug: uh

dig dug: okay

Closet case: ??????

Shawty: this is what it was like when you asked ashe out in the middle of the gc

Closet case: No, I think that was distinctly different

catnip <--> Shawty

catnip: [Image Attachment: A photo of Doug with his head fully in his hand, laying on presumably Jade’s bed.]

catnip: this is a deeply repressed man having to confront his emotions

Shawty: LMAO

Shawty: [Image Attachment: a screenshot of some text messages, presumably from Dakota. They read “WHJAT THE FUCK” “WHY DID I DO THAT” “WILL WHY DINDT U SOTP ME” “OH MY GOD” ]

catnip: im fucking crying

Shawty: why are you hanging out with doug . again

catnip: weve started hanging out again recently

catnip: its

catnip: kinda nice

Shawty: tf that was actually sweet

catnip: shut up gay boy

Shawty: [Image Attachment: a selfie of William, laying against Vyncent, who seems distracted by a handheld console. The end of Vyncent’s tail, presumably wrapped around William’s waist, is just barely visible. ]

Shawty: you wish you were me

catnip: eat shit and die

SOMEBODY CALL 911

Sunshine: Barely!

Closet case: I’ll take it

catnip: you and ashe did it for the bit (heterosexual polycule date). infern and dakota are doing it for spite (dakota needs to prove himself).

catnip: distinctly different but not necessarily better. depends on opinion

catnip: like comparing a tiger and a lion

Shawty: are you comparing the different types of dates to big cats

catnip: movie dates are roadrunners

catnip: the dates -> animal comparisons are not limited to big cats william have some fucking whimsy

Shawty: IT WAS BASED ON THE SAMPLE SIZE I HAD OKAY

Shawty: YOU HAD ONLY SAID BIG CATS

catnip: look at this man. no joy. no whimsy.

Shawty: i am going to murder you.

Loser got possessed: 0 joy 0 whimsy 0 rizz 0 gender

Sunshine: Interesting thing to come back to?

Sunshine: I found that yearbook photo, though! :D

Shawty: thats infinitely more interesting than me being bullied please show us

Sunshine: [Image Attachment: A sort of poorly taken photo of a page in a yearbook, zoomed in to just show Summer. She’s wearing some sort of uniform, and smiling at the camera. In the photo, her hair is blonde. All of the people around her are scribbled out in editing with black lines, except for the person right next to her, whose face is all that’s scribbled out, with a purple ‘:D’ drawn over. The person’s hair, black and white, is just barely visible through the obscuring. ]

catnip: oh hell yeah

catnip: how tf did i never know this actually

Sunshine: No clue, actually! It wasn’t exactly a secret :) 

Closet case: Another thing that’s weird to remember: you guys all went to the same highschool

catnip: freedom city freak

Closet case: Well okay.

dig dug: barely tho

dig dug: william and vyncent were there for like a week

Sunshine: Less, I think!

Shawty: AND WHOSE FAULT WAS THAT, DOUG>?

catnip: hey wait i wanna be blamed too

Shawty: o sorry

Shawty: AND WHOSE FAULT IS THAT, DOUG? JADE?

catnip: :3

dig dug: im not gonna do it.

catnip: fucking do it

dig dug: imnsdnbnOY1>?:1

dig dug: :3

Shawty: that was definitely cantrip stealing his phone

catnip: yeah <3

dig dug: id say my reputation has been forever sullied but then you mfs would reply with “reputation? what reputation” “who tf says sullied” “sullied lmao” 

Shawty: bro is experiencing conversations without us saying shit

Closet case: Man is on a different level of obsessed

dig dig: you fucking wish x

Closet case: OKAY. WILLIAM SAID SOMETHING TOO

dig dug: yeah but hes like kind of allowed

dig dug: i did burn his house down

catnip: crying

dig dug: and like he did torture me n all but tbf i spent the entire time making fun of his weird ass fish dad

Shawty: hey so you can stop talking now

dig dug: and it was like barley torture. i mean the energy drink in the eyes was not fun but dakota for 0.5 seconds was scarier than william and vyncent combined

Closet case: You’re just saying a whole lot of stuff

dig dug: i’m still in shock from being asked (?) on a date

Closet case: More like demanded on a date

catnip: re: you wish that was you

Closet case: WHY AM I BEING GANGED UP ON

dig dug: honestly youre just laying the jokes out for us

Closet case: We have had like 2 whole conversations before, are we really making this what #3 is?

dig dug: yeah lol

Shawty: THATS HOW IT IS WITH HIM YOU HAVE TWO PLEASANT CONEVRSATION AND THEN BOOM HOUSE BURNT DOWN AND HES MOCKING YOUR DAD

Sunshine: I think that’s an experience unique solely to you, Will!

Shawty: :(

Loser got possessed: OH MY GOD MCR

Shawty: huh

Shawty: i mean hell yeah but what's the context

Loser got possessed: NONE OF US THOUGHT TO MAKE XAVIER LISTEN TO MAMA. BREAKTHROUGH SOON I CAN FEEL IT

Closet case: You people are scarily determined 

Loser got possessed: call me. I'm going to forever change you

Closet case: Ominous! But okay

catnip: actually cannot wait to see how that one plays out

Shawty: most likely badly

Shawty: we r like the milo murphy of polycules

catnip: if this works im going to be saying ‘nice gender loser did gerard way pick it out for you’ until the end of time

Shawty: duct tape scars on my honey!!!!!!

dig dug: absolutely no clue what you nerds are talking about

Shawty: destroya bro

Shawty: its the transmasc line 

dig dug: i hope you know that clears nothing up.

dig dug: and it won't clear up any time soon, i’ve narrowly avoided being forced to listen to mcr for several years now you freaks aren't gonna get me

Closet case: The freaks got me .

catnip: how do you feel 

Closet case: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

catnip: sounds about right

Shawty: jade we need to team up and make doug listen to mcr

catnip: it will fix him inshallah

dig dug: i'm actually so good no thank you cantrip and william i'm leaving the state actually 

Shawty: …did we just intimidate doug?????

Shawty: THE ‘im a man only thing i feel is rage’ doug lastname??

catnip: the power of gerard way…

catnip: also it's really not that hard hes a fucking coward

dig dug: what the fuck trip no i’m not

catnip: you are <3

catnip: didnt we already establish you cant fucking take horror

dig dug: first off. kys.

catnip: second off?

dig dug: second off you’re an orphan

catnip: grasping at straws here brother

dig dug: eat shit and die

Closet case: Do you guys need like couples counseling or

Shawty: shhhhh x shut up this is funny 

Secretly the most competent: Yuri?

Shawty: HES LEARNING

Shawty: but no babe theyre just toxic ex coworkers

dig dug: “babe”

catnip: babe 💀

Shawty: die ????

dig dug: not ex coworkers for long im gonna start fighting at that fucking underground ring for the express purpose of beating your ass cantrip

dig dug: which btw is insanely dangerous and you should *not* be doing 

catnip: awww you care

dig dug: you buy me soda, i need you alive

catnip: hell yeah sugar mommy privileges

dig dug: never mind i hope you get stabbed several times in the body

Shawty: IN THE BODY…

Closet case: As opposed to…?

catnip: my spirit self duh

Shawty: my brand…

catnip: my spirit self would beat the shit out of your spirit self

Shawty: well u gotta die first

catnip: no <3

catnip: im cool like that

Shawty: too cool to die?

catnip: yea

catnip: im actually immortal

Closet case: Proof?

catnip: havent died yet

Closet case: Shit. Can't argue with that 

Shawty: I can change that <3

catnip: yeah yeah keep talking gayboy

Shawty: being called gayboy was only funny like the first 2 times

catnip: your death was only funny the first two times.

DC!!!: it acrually rsally wasnt 

DC!!!: soruve I was there

Shawty: damn they got dakota cole at the cliffs?? property value is gonna go up like crazy

catnip: what does that even mean

Shawty: i havent slept in two days it was funny in my head

DC!!!: YOU WJAGT

DC!!!: WILL.

Shawty: I mean. I have a Normal and Respectable Sleep schedule

DC!!!: yore abt to get snyg as a bg in a rug bro

DC!!!: adn u catn stop idt

Secretly the most competent: Homophobic dog?

catnip: accurate application however that IS *your* boyfriend

Secretly the most competent: Yeah I’m helping. I just thought it was fitting.

catnip: im curious as to what helping implies

Secretly the most competent: [ IMAGE ID: Vyncent, Dakota, and William are all sitting on a bed. William has been bundled into blankets like an emo burrito. Dakota is sitting on top of him. Vyncent is giving the camera a thumbs up. End id. ]

Secretly the most competent: I got the blankets. Helping.

catnip: oh helping with the. sleep.

Loser got possessed: vyncent i know you have a law class right now

Secretly the most competent: Nuh uh.

Loser got possessed: fym nuh uh

Secretly the most competent: Nuh uh. 💙

DC!!!: ahse come jsin teh praty

Loser got possessed: i have a class???

DC!!!: PKEASEEE ASHEEEE DNET LEAV ME WITHA HETHM

dig dug: dakota “just skip dude” cole

Loser got possessed: theres literally fifteen minutes left and then i will be there

DC!!!: ok <3 yeay <3

catnip: another appropriate place for the homophobic dog

Closet case: Perhaps more appropriate

Secretly the most competent: No.

Closet case: Okay then

catnip: great try bud

Closet case: I know where you live.

catnip: you and everyone else here

Closet case: Smh my head

catnip: why do you do that

Closet case: It annoys people and I find that kind of funny.

catnip: u know what i find funny

catnip: the song idk if im a boy by blue foster

Closet case: I fucking hate it here.

Closet case: All of you suck. Except like. Ashe. And maybe Summer.

catnip: youre not legally allowed to hate summer dileo. its a law. they put it in the law books.

Secretly the most competent: Can confirm. 

Closet case: Homophobic dog!

catnip: old joke tbh…

dig dug: who the fuck is they

catnip: the secret police.

Shawty: the *sheriff's* secret police?

Loser got possessed: and the old woman who secretly lives in your house?

catnip: FUCK I FUCKED UP THE REFERENCE…

Shawty: cecil baldwins gonna break into your house and kill you now

catnip: arent you supposed to be sleeping

Shawty: no…

Shawty: tihs is daksd ot a it ook his fone nhow !!!! w ear going 2 be d :) 

catnip: tell william he sucks

Shawty: he sys u dobel suck

dig dug: are they third graders perhaps

catnip: you’re just mad you’re a poopy butt 

dig dug: you take that the fuck back

Chapter Text

SOMEBODY CALL 911

catnip: does anybody know if we got torture labryinth today

Closet case: Every day with you people is a day in the torture labyrinth

Secretly the most competent: Torture labyrinth?

catnip: its a meme ill dm u

Sunshine: Vyncent! We've been seeing a lot more of you recently :)

Secretly the most competent: Figuring out how to text. 

Secretly the most competent: Jason is “helping.”

catnip: lmaoo

catnip: still very confused about that but atp I'm not gonna ask

Sunshine: Never ask what PD is up to :,)

Loser got possessed: we dont know either

Closet case: So Vyn while we got you here how's the relationship 👀

catnip: lmaaooo

Secretly the most competent: ?

Secretly the most competent: Good?

Closet case: Idk man any juicy details hot gos

Secretly the most competent: Learning more about Prime relationships? It's a bit different back home.

Secretly the most competent: Calling Will my Boyfriend is nice. :)

catnip: gay people…

Closet case: I dont think they're real

catnip: yeah you wouldn't would you

Closet case: You just say shit sometimes.

dig dug: literally all of us do

dig dug: this is not a new thing

dig dug: x

dig dug: i am at my limit

Closet case: Are you good

dig dug: no

catnip: did the date go bad or like

dig dug: i think we should make emotions illegal. i shouldn’t have to do that.

catnip: bro unrepressed one thing and itt all fell apart

dig dug: somebody shoot me like a sick dog

catnip: calm down william

Shawty: FUCKING SLANDER???

Shawty: OKAY

catnip: youre literally so sick dog coded anyways doug have you tried talking about anything ever

dig dug: now why would i do that

catnip: .

dig dug: look are you gonna shoot me or not

DC!!!: npone is shooting snyone

dig dug: what if it’s a mercy kill

DC!!!: nuh uh

DC!!!: no dyiung <3

dig dug: hm.

dig dug: okay.

dig dug: yeah.

dig dug: sure.

cantip: @Secretly the most competent 

Secretly the most competent: Homophobic dog image.

Shawty: great job babe

Secretly the most competent: :D

catnip: awwwwww I'm throwing up

Shawty: literally shut up

catnip: nah <3

Shawty: im actually gonna kill you

catnip: you'd miss me too much

Shawty: shut uppppp let me be gay in peace

catnip: lol

catnip: no ❤️

Shawty: youre hurting my fefes jade </3

catnip: want your boyfriend to kiss it better?

Shawty: rolling my eyes at you so hard right now 

Shawty: i would not complain tho 

DC!!!: gfd fucdjfn damnaut naow gheyr ksisjng sgsibn…

catnip: dakota whats your opinion on gay people

DC!!!: I FCKFKNG HATE GASY PEKPLR

dig dug: 100% unbiased opinion ^^

DC!!!: OBEJVTIVE FSCY

catnip: confirmed by real american patriots ‼️‼️

Closet case: Thank god gay people aren’t real

catnip: thank fucking god

catnip: actually bits over i was gonna make a joke about kissing men and then i thought about kissing men. bad 

Closet case: I mean to each their own

catnip: how the fuck do you still claim to be straight. like i’m honestly asking is this internalized homophobia or a bit or are you genuinely this dumb because if so how do you even brush your teeth in the morning

Closet case: Getting real for five fucking seconds. I do not have the time to self reflect cantrip. I do not have the time or emotional competence for that. 

catnip: here ill do it for you. you like boys

Shawty: congrats!

Shawty: your certificate should come in the mail in 3-5 business days

Closet case: Fantastic. I’m going to keep saying I’m straight

catnip: FOR WHY

Closet case: HWAT THE FUCK ELSE AM I GONNA SAY

catnip: NOT MANY PEOPLE ARE ASKING FOR YOUR SEXUALITY KING ALL IM ASKING IS THAT YOU STOP BEING LIKE ‘nahhhh i’m straight i kiss guys but its like homiesexual not homosexual. socks on and all that’

Closet case: SOMETIMES DENIAL IS ALL WE HAVE JADE.

catnip: WHAT IS THE DENIAL HELPING?????

catnip: YOURE LITERALLY IN A POLYCULE. YOU’RE SURROUNDED BY FAGGOTS AT ALL TIMES

catnip: THIS IS FUCKING FAGGOTOPIA

Shawty: faggotopia

Loser got possessed: my homeland

Shawty: OUR homeland

Shawty: we can share

Shawty: thats what jo said

Loser got possessed: are you honest to god mangoball referencing in the year of our lord 2145

Shawty: its a work of art and i will hear no slander of it 

catnip: you guys are NOT helping

Shawty: wasn’t trying to <3

catnip: meet me in the arbys parking lot

Shawty: awww are we gonna watch the lights together ? <3

catnip: i’m going to break something

Sunshine: Go for the ribs!

DC!!!: yu can get spre onesf rom arbuys

DC!!!: tehy saal rubs tehre

Shawty: you’ve heard of bbq sauce on my titties now get ready for

Loser got possessed: bbq ribs in my chest cavity

Shawty: BBQ RIBS IN MY CHEST CAVITY!!!

catnip: pop open the vivisection scar we have to see how many ribs we can fit in there

Shawty: this is like the wonderbread guy but cooler

catnip: but worse

Shawty: nah bc wonderbread guy wasn’t getting faggy and gorestyle with it

Shawty: everythings cooler when its faggy and gorestyle

Loser got possessed: and when there’s bbq ribs

Shawty: and when there’s bbq ribs

Closet case: So when you guys inevitably get arrested I’m going to laugh at you

catnip: aw shit yeah we gotta buy the ribs and then go to a waffle house so nobody bothers us

Closet case: Do you think people would ignore opening up a guy's chest while he’s conscious and putting bbq ribs in there if you’re at a Waffle House rather than an Arbys???

catnip: have you ever been to a waffle house

Closet case: ?????

Shawty: yuristyle science experiment meetup at the waffle house

Sunshine: What exactly is the experiment?

catnip: how long does it take for will’s brains to leak out his ears from a ton of attractive people holding him down and touching his organs

Shawty: HEY

Loser got possessed: like 5 minutes at best

catnip: look me dead in the eyes and tell me you would not enjoy this

Shawty: well

Shawty: . if this is the vibe i would rather not have the bbq ribs and also bring vyncent

catnip: oh yeah i dm’d him like five minutes ago 

Shawty: ?!?!/1/?1??

Loser got possessed: changing my answer

Loser got possessed: 2

catnip: 2 what

Loser got possessed: seconds

Closet case: Can I place my bet at -10

Shawty: YOU ALL SUCK

dig dug: yeah my bet is five minutes ago when the topic was first even brought up

Shawty: can we move on now

catnip: so like do you need a ride to the waffle house or

Shawty: MOVING ON NOW

Loser got possessed: @Secretly the most competent hey hows will doing

Secretly the most competent: [Image Attachment: William laying face down on his bed, phone thrown away from him. ]

Secretly the most competent: I think five minutes ago is pretty accurate.

catnip: literally had to put the phone down oh my god

Closet case: We literally cannot salvage this vibe guys what the fuck

Loser got possessed: pack it up everyone 

Loser got possessed: go home

Loser got possessed: or don't because tide is over and you dont want to know what the fuck is going on there and its frankly easier to just stay at pd hall

catnip: what

Loser got possessed: what?

Shawty: our dads are in love cantrip keep up

DC!!!: ife i clud eb anfy fictyuinal charcater id be eth grinche becas he cna ate galass ad i wana try taht

DC!!!: ifhink it wskld tase liek sand

catnip: do you. know what sand tastes like

DC!!!: rckoks

Closet case: It doesn’t taste good

Closet case: Sand or glass

Closet case: They both taste actually really bad

catnip: Hey X.

Closet case: Hi!

Loser got possessed: so like

Loser got possessed: why?

Closet case: Hank Green said not to.

Loser got possessed: horrible reason

Closet case: I didn’t claim it was a good one.

catnip: most of your reasons for stuff are horrible

Closet case: There’s something grammatically off in that sentence hold on

Closet case: It reads weird

Closet case: Most of my reasons for doing things are horrible. Missing the verb and also the word things just. Feels better.

catnip: okay so maybe xavier IS straight

Closet case: Literally what I’ve been saying.

Chapter Text

SOMEBODY CALL 911

Loser got possessed: trauma is so stupid what do you mean im having flashbacks while playing fucking cult of the lamb

Loser got possessed: its fucking cotl we cant be doing this

catnip: the furry religious genocide game??

Loser got possessed: the very one

Closet case: O shit are you okay?

Closet case: I feel kinda bad now I was just gonna come have a breakdown in the middle of the gc

Loser got possessed: its stupid and I'll be fine

Loser got possessed: I need a distraction anyway. what are we breaking down over?

Closet case: You sure?

Loser got possessed: yes. now what's up

Closet case: Right. Breakdown

Closet case: Okay, “breakdown” is a bit dramatic 

Closet case: More like dipping my toes into self reflection

catnip: oh holy shit

Loser got possessed: fucking finally oh my god 

Loser got possessed: im putting this day in my calendar to celebrate next year

Loser got possessed: anyways. you were saying??

Closet case: Have I been that bad .

Loser got possessed: just a little <3

Closet case: Damn.

Closet case: Anyway. Was thinking about what Cantrip said the other day and I

Closet case: SUPPOSE

Closet case: She’s right.

catnip: which thing do u mean i’m right about a lot of stuff

Closet case: The whole being not straight thing

Closet case: Idk I just never really cared enough to think about it. And it’s also kind stressful

Closet case: Do not take this as me thinking about like. Labeling myself. Or even really thinking about it beyond surface level.

Closet case: But you guys are kinda right I’ve kissed too many guys to still call myself straight I think

catnip: holy shit

catnip: a moment to be remembered……………

Loser got possessed: ok and hear me out here baby

Loser got possessed: there’s a way you can still be straight

Closet case: Love women too much for that

Closet case: This is my curse

Shawty: #mycurse

Closet case: What

Shawty: idk dude

Shawty: congrats on coming out tho

Closet case: I don’t think it’s new to anyone

dig dug: it's not.

Sunshine: Do you want us to pretend to be surprised :D? 

Closet case: That's really nice of you to offer but no it’s good

Closet case: I’ve met my court mandated like 5 minutes of thinking about my identity

Loser got possessed: do you wanna play stardew valley

Loser got possessed: the game in which you’re in yuri with haley

Closet case: Yes actually. I do

catnip: loser we all know abigail is the best

Secretly the most competent: I like Sebastian. 

Loser got possessed: we know. but also I do too.

Shawty: you’re all stereotypes

catnip: don’t you romance sam

Shawty: fuck off and die?

Closet case: We're all stereotypes okay.

Shawty: you most of all

Closet case: Sigh.

Closet case: I mean yeah but.

Loser got possessed: you suffer so much

Closet case: I do :(

Loser got possessed: skill issue.

Closet case: HEY.

Loser got possessed: is for horses

Loser got possessed: somebody shoot me.

Shawty: may i ask why the vibe shift

Loser got possessed: i sound like mark

Shawty: yeah reasonable reaction

Shawty: shotgun or glock

Loser got possessed: Missile Launcher

Dig dug: your kids will be scraping you off the ground

Loser got possessed: Pardon

dig dug: nevermind

catnip: was that a fucking starkid reference

catnip: from doug “i dont have interests im allergic” inferno

dig dug: die in a car crash. with no yuri.

catnip: FUCK YOU????

Shawty: i love when we all just shut up and let them do their thing

Loser got possessed: will shut up my show is on

dig dug: i’d rather not

catnip: i bet you have emotions about the spankoffski bros

dig dug: i literally don't know what you’re talking about

catnip: sure you dont bud

dig dug: don’t you fucking ‘bud’ me i know your social security number.

Loser got possessed: hello?

dig dug: she didn’t want to go to the bank alone

catnip: what the fuck would you rather me call you

catnip: sure you dont sweetcheeks

dig dug: every day i regret taking that job more and more.

dig dug: not even like

dig dug: for the guilt trauma anymore.

dig dug: knowing you is enough of a curse on my life.

Shawty: glad to know ur regrets are getting to the point where cantrip can call u sweetcheeks and not burning down our house 

dig dug: with the power of repression, i don’t have to acknowledge that most of the time.

Shawty: ^^ guy who refuses to even look at tide whenever he comes by the house

Shawty: he is trying so hard to feed u bro he thinks ur like a stray cat or smth

dig dug: i am perfectly fed on my own.

Sunshine: Eh!

dig dug: what the fuck. i am.

Sunshine: Your last meal was a can of monster energy!

Sunshine: Yesterday!

DC!!!: hmg.

dig dug: why would you say that publically in this groupchat what the fuck. i’m going to have to deal with that now summer

Loser got possessed: yeah do you like beef stroganoff cause you’re about to get like ten pounds of it 

Loser got possessed: and also probably a hug 

dig dug: i’m good. i’m literally so fine

Shawty: its fish dad man

Shawty: you cant stop him and you will end up crying

Shawty: hes just like that

dig dug: there’s a joke i could make. but i’m a better person than that

catnip: so ur gonna dm it to me?

dig dug: yeah

Loser got possessed: fascinated by the two of you

catnip: the trauma bond

Loser got possessed: but you cant just chalk it up to that

Loser got possessed: pd has trauma bond and theyre like freaks about it you guys are like

Loser got possessed: bugs or perhaps some kind of insect

Sunshine: As someone who has to watch them interact on the daily, I can confirm they’re freaks about it! Just in a slightly different way.

Sunshine: I think.

Sunshine: You’re more of a PD expert than me?

Loser got possessed: ive seen dakota kiss william and call him bro in the same breath

catnip: most normal pd interaction

dig dug: most normal interaction in general. i’ve done that before?

Homophobic chat

#4: alright dakota was it you be honest.

#2: it probably was

Og: hjh

#4: did you and doug make out and call eachother bro afterwards

Og: is wssny maknoat it ws jus lke

Og: kisng

#4: i hate gay people

#2: hey on the bright side

#2: new situationship acquired

Og: i ma rihgt here?????

#2 : i know <3

Og: dos it rven liek . qwalify as a situatipnsdhip???

#4: you kissed and called eachother bro afterwards, have been on at least one date, and are generally weird about it. this is like textbook situationship

Og: we. dayed???? Obvipsly weve kjssed

#4: i meant recently

#4: sorry. were you kissing and calling eachother bro while you were in a Romantic Relationship Officialstyle?

Og: yea ?

#4 has gone offline.

Og: ??????

Og: js that . not noraml

#2: dakota

#2: honey

#2: dearest

#2: light of my life

#2: not at fucking all no

Og: o

Og: huh

Og: no we jsrt . called eachpther bro ebforehsnd and just

Og: kept whikle we werr dating?

#2: i am so inlove with you please stop talking

Og: :(

#2: i prefaced with how in love with you i am on purpose <3

#2: what is happening in main chat

SOMEBODY CALL 911

Shawty: i think if its a whole baguette thats not even like a gay deepthroat thing anymore thats just concerning

dig dug: how can it not be a gay thing its a whole ass baguette in your mouth

Closet case: baguette more like

Closet case: i don’t feel comfortable finishing this joke someone else do it for me

Shawty: FAGGOT

Closet case: thanks

Loser got possessed: [IMAGE ATTACHMENT: The Snapcube fandub “What are you two FUCKING talking about?” reaction image. ]

Chapter Text

SOMEBODY CALL 911

Sunshine: Does anyone here know how to remove two very loud teenage boys from your base? Asking for a friend.

Sunshine: They're playing Mario Kart, if that changes anything.

Shawty: lmao????

Sunshine: [Image Attachment: A blurry photo, taken from around a corner, of Dakota and Doug laying against each other on a couch, seemingly arguing. Doug is grinning. ]

catnip: homophobic dog.

Closet case: Glad we have a new situationship to make fun of so soon

dig dug: literally just two bros playing mario kart what's the issue here

catnip: not too fond of gay people

Closet case: 2 bros chilling on a couch 0 feet away cause they're incredibly gay ?

dig dug: fellas is it gay to play mario kart

Shawty: the mario kart is not the issue here.

Sunshine: Faggots!

Sunshine: Off my couch!

dig dug: it's my couch too???

Sunshine: Not legally!

dig dug: not yours either??

dig dug: actually wait

dig dug: no it is.

dig dug: my b

Sunshine: Please go be gay somewhere else <3 

catnip: i love the part where doug hasnt denied anything

dig dug: you say. as if summer isn't shooing us out so you can come over and you guys can do your blood thing

Shawty: you know you can say sex right

Closet case: Hey guys. How's it going

DC!!!: peoeple in reel life b liek hey mam hows it giong

Shawty: love that the typo gendered x correctly

Shawty: hey ma’am hows it going

Closet case: Great before I opened this chat

dig dug: boohoo. anyway summer you'll be happy to know we're on our way out

Sunshine: Great! :)

catnip: omw

DC!!!: homeofphobic dog

Closet case: Prime defenders base call that home of phobic

catnip: bad joke.

Closet case: Lesbian situationship

Shawty: 105 Hilltop road call that home of phobia

DC!!!: horrbible

Shawty: just like the fears

Shawty: ex altiora call that horror bible 

DC!!!: werr executing you

Shawty: ON WHAT GROUNDS??

Shawty: LIKING PODCAST??

Shawty: WE ARE PODCAST DUDE

Closet case: What

Shawty: what

dig dug: we're hemorrhaging money on the groundskeeper.

Shawty: theres no grounds

catnip: doug with the steel chair of a fantasy high reference

dig dug: i have no idea what you're talking about 

DC!!!: 🤨🤨

dig dug: don't you 🤨🤨 at me

Shawty: this guy^^ likes as much nerd shit as the rest of us

Shawty: hes just a coward about it which makes him a double nerd

dig dug: nuh uh

dig dug: i have no idea what you fucking nerds are talking about

dig dug: you guys are all lame and shit. or whatever

DC!!!: clam down jimmy 

dig dug: jesus god nevermind

dig dug: my character development.

Shawty: please god do not become jimmy jackson 

Shawty: i knew him for like three days and if i knew him any longer i would have been in so many lockers

DC!!!: yoy say that liek you didn't bully him backjist as hard 

DC!!!: wililam “ur faec looks like a stopsign” wisp

Shawty: okay . well .

Shawty: kills myself

Shawty: cutely

Loser got possessed: everything you do is cute babe xoxo

dig dug: hello ?

DC!!!: HJELO?

Shawty: hi ashe .

Loser got possessed: hi everyone omggg

dig dug: are you possessed by like

dig dug: a valley girl chaos demon

Shawty: THE GHOST OF PARTY CITY……..

DC!!!: wjats praty city

Shawty: Hell.

Secretly the most competent: Emily?

Loser got possessed: who ?

Secretly the most competent: Nvm.

Shawty: hi jason

Severely the most competent: Eat shit and die👍

Shawty: bye jason

catnip: ????

DC!!!: itsnot soembody cal 911 chat if there sany cintext. 

Shawty: trueeee

Shawty: the truer

Loser got possessed: the truer

DC!!!: teh truer

Secretly the most competent: The truer

catnip: pd hivemind strikes again

catnip: anyways im gonna go have crazy bloody lesbian sex see you guys in a few hours

dig dug: have fun don't die use protection 

dig dug: don't get blood in any of my shit.

Catnip: we arent going to be anywhere near your stuff doug

Sunshine: Unless… 👀?

dig dug: summer dear god what is the implication here

DC!!!: CRYJNG?

Sunshine: Well! If you're so concerned with what we're getting up to, no one ever said you had to leave!

dig dug: you literally did.

Sunshine: Shhhhhhh.

dig dug: summer.

Sunshine: Doug!

dig dug: you explicitly told us to leave so you could have crazy bloody lesbian sex.

Sunshine: Bye!

dig dug: ?????

dig dug: i love summer but i have no fucking clue what the fuck just happened

Shawty: i think shes on something

Loser got possessed: the autism spectrum

DC!!!: she just liek me fr…….

Closet case: Including the crazy bloody lesbian sex?

Shawty: I feel like we're all saying crazy bloody lesbian sex a lot.

DC!!!: uts imrpotant

Loser got possessed: crazy bloody lesbian sex…

dig dug: william just jealous he isn't having crazy bloody lesbian sex.

DC!!!: no itshis cshriatin guilt

DC!!!: chr .

DC!!!: catholic

Shawty: why was that one easier for you.

DC!!!: shurg 

dig dug: who up shurging 

DC!!!: . okay

dig dug: i just got the most fucking deadpan expression from him jesus

Shawty: I hate gay people. 

dig dug: i hear self hate isn't a good thing

DC!!!: hyprocote

dig dug: well

dig dug: .

dig dug: anyways

Closet case: Damn y'all are a mess

Loser got possessed: says the kettle to the pot

Closet case: Says the mimimimimimi to the mimimimimimimi

DC!!!: ^^me wehn I am sleeping

Closet case: Are we about to kiss

Loser got possessed: theres something wrong with you. with all of you

Closet case: And yet you want to kiss all of us so bad

Loser got possessed: unfortunately.

Secretly the most competent: My favorite hobby is to say something incredibly stupid and watch the horror on Will’s face as he realizes he still wants to kiss me.

Shawty: i live in hell

Secretly the most competent: No 💙

Shawty: sigh

DC!!!: the shut i haev to put up wtih on the daily

catnip: no one suffers more than dakota cole

Closet case: 🖐

Loser got possessed: put that hand down.

Closet case: ☹️

dig dug: great job everyone.

Shawty: so are you guys just like walking down the road or

dig dug: nah

DC!!!: WE FOIND A DINER :)

DC!!!: teh food is so gopd 

dig dug: [IMAGE ATTACHMENT: A photo of Dakota, sitting in a diner booth. He's grinning, looking down at his phone. There are several plates pushed to the side, few scraps of food on them.]

Loser got possessed: I don't even think we have to say it this time

Closet case: Oh man that actually looks really fun

Loser got possessed: we can? find a diner to go on a date in if you want dude

Closet case: HELL YEAH

Closet case: I don't think I've ever been to a diner

Loser got possessed: me either. first time for everything

Closet case: O right

Closet case: Hell yeah. We can experience diners for the first time together

Secretly the most competent: What's a diner?

Loser got possessed: so basically

Loser got possessed: actually hold on let me dm you

Secretly the most competent: Okay 🙂

Shawty: do NOT eat a 12 pc chicken nugget meal and then down a monster energy that is the menstruation demons talking. i am lowk nasouce

dig dug: nasouce

Shawty: im going to boil you like a lobster and flay you like a fish

dig dug: bet

catnip: does anyone in this thread smoke weed

Shawty: arent you supposed to be having bloody lesbian sex

catnip: summer’s grabbing stuff

Shawty: do i want to know what Stuff is

catnip: nothing u havent seen before tbh

Shawty: do you have any idea how little that narrows it down.

catnip: lmao

catnip: freak

catnip: gtg

dig dug: i have questions, but i don’t want answers.

Shawty: bro would not be caught dead in the panopticon

Loser got possessed: he is the most obvious desolation avatar ever what the fuck are u on

Shawty: thats why i said he wouldnt be in the panopticon

Shawty: me on the other hand

Shawty: call me tim stoker the way im doing a dj set in the panopticon. #Eye

Loser got possessed: this is why you’d make a horrible archivist.

dig dug: what the fuck do any of those words mean

Shawty: do you not know what eyes are doug

Shawty: answer quickly

dig dug: i think i have a 50% chance of getting this wrong

Shawty: wghat

dig dug: cause y’know

dig dug: i lost an eye

dig dug: in the giant fucking explosion

dig dug: y’know the one where summer got her powers from

dig dug: the one that disabled me

dig dug: y'know that one.

Shawty: Social blunder boys pack it up

dig dug: isnt the whole bit supposed to be that you Know everything

dig dug: worlds worst avatar

Shawty: WAGHAT

dig dug: what

dig dug: anyways im gonna go back to my meal

Shawty: YOU.

Shawty: YOU KNOOWWWWWW

Loser got possessed: isnt that ur job

Shawty: Hush Spiral Freak I Have To Harass This Guy

Loser got possessed: damn.

Loser got possessed: man cantrip would love this conversation

Loser got possessed: too bad they killed her.

Secretly the most competent: Not this time.

Loser got possessed: I Beg Your Finest Fucking Pardon

Secretly the most competent has gone offline.

Loser got possessed: we cannot keep doing this

Shawty: it keeps happening.

dig dug: didn't we establish we’re all deadpool

Shawty: aren’t we supposed to move on in the conversation when it happens

dig dug: aren't you supposed to be dead (x3)

Shawty: I GOT BETTER

Loser got possessed: im 90% sure its more than 3 at this point

dig dug: what happened

Loser got possessed: Do You Remember The BBQ Ribs Conversation

dig dug: i don’t think i want to

Shawty: speak for yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shawty: [Image Attachment: A photo of a large fan.]

dig dug: haha. very funny.

Shawty: im gonna flip a coin, heads is not sarcasm, tails is sarcasm

dig dug: why would you format it like that.

Shawty: cause its always heads

dig dug: i just dont think thats true

Shawty: flipping another coin to see if you actually dont get the reference or are just fucking with me

dig dug: heads i get the reference tails im just fucking with you

Shawty: hey bro. Come on this boat with me

Shawty: hold onto this Letter for me.

dig dug: i just don’t think that’s in my best interest.

catnip: when haev u ever done stuff in ur best interest

dig dug: hows the sex going

catnip: 👍

catnip: agagrgrggagr water

catnip: okbye

Shawty : ????

dig dug: that’s normal. don’t ask

Shawty: this dynamic fascinates me

dig dug: bro is about to start saying shit like vis-a-vis and loquacious. 

Shawty: WHATS WRONG WITH FASCINATES???

Shawty: DIE

dig dug: pretty sure that’s your job.

Shawty: Every day I wake up.

dig dug: that’s how days work

Shawty: @DC!!! Can you like leash him he’s being mean

DC!!!: i do npt conrtol the doug

Loser got possessed: out of all of us you’re most likely to be able to

DC!!!: UNTURE ☝️ summer

dig dug: she kinda scares me sometimes ngl

Shawty: ??????

dig dug: are you saying you’re not

Shawty: no?? why would i be

Loser got possessed: I don’t think i’ve hung out with summer enough to have an opinion but i can see it from here

Loser got possessed: didn’t she like

Loser got possessed: track down ur civilian identities. And then confront you with them

Loser got possessed: idk i was Inside

Shawty: we were pretty obvious to be fair

Loser got possessed: right. and you weren’t at all intimidated by this

Shawty: i mean like in the moment

Shawty: but like. objectively not super scary

Shawty: actually scratch that i just remembered the time she saw a dead possum on the side of the road and just. pulled over and took its bones. Ignore everything previously stated

dig dug: i usually do. ignore everything you say that is

dig dug: also her car has an empty cooler and lots of plastic bags for a reason

Shawty: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqGKZ3fzN1M  

Shawty: ^^ I Hope You Die. I Hope We Both Die

Closet case: kinda gay dude

Chapter Text

SOMEBODY CALL 911

catnip: someone please save me.

Closet case: What's the matter Jade? Don't you like copacabana ?

catnip: NOT AN HOUR STDAUGHF OF IT

catnip: DO NOT GIVE X THE AUX. YOU WILL LISTEN TO AN HOUR AND NINTEEN MINUTES OF EXCLUSIVELY DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF COPACOBANA

Loser got possessed: PLEASE send me that playlist omg

Shawty: horrifying!

DC!!!: why doeshe have aux ?

catnip: going back to freedom city for smthn

catnip: because SOMEONE won't just move in with me

Closet case: You live in a one bedroom apartment. I'm not taking the couch

dig dug: in the copa

dig dug: copacabana

dig dug: hottest spot north of havana

Loser got possessed: (here!)

catnip: im killing both of you

catnip: my couch is fine you just hate me x

Closet case: No??

Closet case: I would just rather not have back issues when I’m 23.

catnip: you hate me so much

catnip: you literally want me dead

catnip: why do you want me to die xavier

catnip: damnit she put her phone down

Shawty: can’t you just. do it in person

catnip: nah

Shawty: Why

catnip: cause fuck you thats why

Loser got possessed: I have back issues and I'm not even 23

Secretly the most competent: On account of the possession?

Loser got possessed: on account of the possession.

Loser got possessed: and also. Mark

Loser got possessed: and his stupid fucking genes

catnip: genetic loss

Shawty: hold on I have to go make an image

catnip: dont you fucking dare wisp.

Shawty: literally like 5 seconds

catnip: WILL.

Loser got possessed: ……..anyways

Loser got possessed: where did x go?

catnip: we switched off driving

Loser got possessed: ah

catnip: unrelated. please send me egg ass songs. for no reason

Loser got possessed: hold on I have a playlist

dig dug: do you just keep that on hand

Loser got possessed: hush now cis boy

Loser got possessed: you’re next

dig dug: pardon

Loser got possessed: [LINK ATTACHMENT]

Loser got possessed: @catnip playlist

catnip: GODBLESS

Shawty: so you two just psychologically torture eachother?

catnip: yes obviously keep up

dig dug: it's like you don't know anything will

Shawty: WHAT THE FUCK okay. whatever 

Shawty: @Loser got possessed can you put copacabana on the playlist

Loser got possessed: whats in it for me

Shawty: Funny

Loser got possessed: yeah alright

catnip: what the fuck ashe. does our yuri mean nothing to you

Loser got possessed: we can have yuri in the hottest spot north of havana

dig dug: at the copa

dig dug: copacabana 

Loser got possessed: music and passion are always in fashion at the coooooopaaaaaaaaaa

catnip: i hope you all fucking die

dig dug: don’t fall in love

Sunshine: I love when everyone gets attached to a deeply unfunny bit <3

Loser got possessed: UADGOIUFVBOEB

dig dug: did you just get fucking electrocuted

Loser got possessed: in a way. that shocked me ok. summer with the steel chair

Loser got possessed: its a good bit :( copacabana :(

catnip: bad bit. horrible bit

dig dug: cope-acabana

Secretly the most competent: ^ The first good joke Doug's ever made.

dig dug: 👍

catnip: two spiteful autistic bitches in a standoff

Shawty: what else is new…

dig dug: unlike all of the rest of you im not autistic?

catnip: LOL

Loser got possessed: oh buddy.

catnip: oh ur for serious

Sunshine: Reaching levels of denial previously only thought possible in Xavier Gonzales!

dig dug: ???

catnip: hold on we'll talk abt this when I'm not in a car torturing x

dig dug: i think i’d rather not actually 

Secretly the most competent: I’d rather not have my house burnt down.

catnip: I'd rather not have to deal with either of you yet here we are now every chill out

Loser got possessed: dakota says both of you have to be nice to eachother

Loser got possessed: also says that doug’s autistic

catnip: assuming you two are fagging it up rn

Loser got possessed: tried to read over my shoulder but couldn’t so now i’m narrating to him

catnip: i fucking hate gay people

Loser got possessed: what a coincidence. so does kota

Loser got possessed: you guys should hang out sometime

catnip: actually

dig dug: i do not support this message. 

catnip: me and dakota don't hang out very often

dig dug: no. stop.

catnip: i'll think on this

Loser got possessed: i think this is the only way to threaten doug

dig dug: stop this.

Sunshine: Dakota should come over for lunch sometime… I haven’t seen him in so long.

Sunshine: We could make a day of it :)!

dig dug: this is bad. 

catnip: with our powers combined we can make him eat a normal meal at a normal time

Sunshine: I’m starting to think not even God could manage that…

Shawty: i’d like to point you all toward the man who got me to stop drinking energy drinks for like two weeks

Shawty: everyone’s favorite fish dad

dig dug: god no.

Shawty: tiiiiide lambert

dig dug: can we stop trying to fix me .

Shawty: eat one (1) full meal at an hour between 7am-8pm that does not need to be microwaved

dig dug: 🖕

DC!!!: will. yuor correct. howevre. hypocrite

Shawty: hey i ate an apple and a protein bar today thats basically a full meal

DC!!!: ime going 2 screnshot that messagea nd send it to tide

Shawty: NO

Shawty: KOTA

Shawty: KOTA WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS

DC!!!: its to late.

catnip: i think i can feel the im not mad im just disappointed from here

Shawty: FUCK YOU 

Shawty: HES NOT EVEN DISAPPOINTED HE JUST GETS SAD IT SUCKS. NOBODY SHOULD EVER MAKE TIDE SAD THEY SHOULD PUT ME IN JAIL FOR THIS

Loser got possessed: maybe you just need to make choices that won’t make tide sad then

Shawty: you don’t get to talk about healthy eating habits

Loser got possessed: listen it runs in my genes or something. like the back issues

Loser got possessed: mark fluctuates between not eating for several days and eating the same meal for months on end

Shawty: there is no neurotypical explanation for the way your father behaves

Loser got possessed: filthy capitalist disease

catnip: i think it’s in the fucking contract we signed or something. villain thing

catnip: and william’s just fucked up or smth idfk

catnip: will have you signed any human experimentation contracts

Shawty: ????not that i know of

catnip: so there might be one you don’t know about. got it.

Shawty: i dont think thats how it works but tide is calling me so i need to go ecplode. goodbye forever

Loser got possessed: really rips you apart doesn't it

Shawty: sotp. Bad joke

Loser got possessed: you made Five in the first week after it happened you don’t get to call it a bad joke now

Shawty has gone offline

catnip: this is why i just don’t have a dad. saves me from all of this

DC!!!: ^^^^^^

DC!!!: werr smarter then them

Shawty is now online

Shawty: im showing that to tide

Shawty has gone offline

DC!!!: DJOT UOU FSRE

Closet case: Horrible number of messages to open my phone to.

dig dug: was it 69

Closet case: 122 actually

dig dug: damn

dig dug: put your phone down i can get it to 420

Closet case: Hm. No

Dig dug: damn. where the fuck did everyone else go

Closet case: i don't know that we’ve had a 1 on 1 conversation. This is weird

Loser got possessed: Hi

Loser got possessed: dakota’s texting tide because he feels bad, will’s getting yelled at for not eating, i presume cantrip is driving again, vyncent’s playing an mmo that i don’t remember the name of, and summer’s doing something idk

Closet case: Jade’s trying to figure out how maps work lmao

Closet case: weird when a lot of us are busy. But not everyone

Loser got possessed: do you not have gps

Loser got possessed: it’s 2148 how do you not have gps

Closet case: Google maps. She hasn’t thought to just ask me yet so I’m just waiting

dig dug: lmao sure

Closet case: ?

dig dug: ask for help. lmao

Loser got possessed: they told me jade cantrip isnt asking for help i say oh i'm sure

Sunshine: Fork found in kitchen, unfortunately!

catnip: first of all fuck all of you except summer i love you 

catnip: second of all i figured it out so suck my massive fucking dong

Sunshine: I don’t think that’s normally how it goes.

catnip has gone offline.

dig dug: okay. moving swiftly on

Sunshine: Damn :( 

Loser got possessed: doug why do you hate lesbians

dig dug: because i have to live with them

Sunshine: You really don’t have to! You stay here by choice!

dig dug: yeah but that makes the joke less funny.

Sunshine: Get better jokes, then!

dig dug: no. i’m funny as fuck. 

Sunshine: Sure.

dig dug: i literally am idk what to tell you

DC!!!: me whhen i am a lying liar woh lies

dig dug: okay. rude.

DC!!!: nit rude. the turth

DC!!!: ive neber been rud eb4 in my life and espiacelly never on acciendt

catnip: your tism swag

DC!!!: yeag

DC!!!: tghey shold let me hav ea diagnoses

dig dug: i have been telling you for the past like week to bring it up with the literal government organization who employs you

catnip: will watch get you a diagnosis

Shawty: considering tide isn’t diagnosed i’m going to guess No

DC!!!: yea but tahts tide. i dpn't thuink he Knows

catnip: How

Loser got possessed: i mean they got me mobility aids post trickster? which is something

Shawty: dakota diagnosis when……

DC!!!: itll go sway if I dint pay attention to it im sure

dig dug: dude.

DC!!!: smiles so wids at yyou

catnip: @Secretly the most competent 

Secretly the most competent: Homophobic dog. Begrudgingly.

catnip: thanks xoxo

dig dug: ok.

Loser got possessed: wait go back. tide isn’t diagnosed???

Shawty: nope

Loser got possessed: hold on

Shawty: ???why

Loser got possessed: telling mark to make him get a diagnosis

Shawty: LMAO???

Shawty: please record this

Loser got possessed: [VIDEO ATTACHED: Ashe holds the phone shakily below her in an awkward upward angle. She seems to be in the hallway right outside her room. She shouts “MARK!”. There’s a beat of silence, before a muffled response, presumably from the next room over. “What?” “TELL TIDE HE NEEDS A DIAGNOSIS!” Another beat. “Huh???” “TELL TIDE HE NEEDS AN AUTISM DIAGNOSIS! HE’S OVER ENOUGH YOU MUST’VE NOTICED!” A long, awkward silence. Ashe is holding back laughter. “…I’m unpausing my show.” Ashe starts cackling.]

DC!!!: both of tehm need it tbh

Shawty: LMAO??

DC!!!: ashe gets it form someweher

Loser got possessed: yeah, the demonic possession

catnip: this just in the trickster gives you autism

Loser got possessed: literally. I used to be a normal cisgendered heterosexual neurotypical kid and then I got possessed

DC!!!: what autis mspaeks thinks vacines do to ur kids

dig dug: didn't you literally have super autism injected into you

catnip: LMAO?

DC!!!: i maen. yea

Shawty: what is this autistics anonymous

catnip: did that one take you long to think of?

Shawty: yeah i'm really proud of it

catnip: that’s sad 

Shawty: okay. fucking kills myself

catnip: booo get a new bit

Shawty: fucking . kills you???

catnip: i said new

Shawty: kills. the president???????

dig dug: ok frank iero

catnip: equally smokeable

Shawty: What does this mean.

catnip: @Secretly the most competent sorry we dropped ur bf in the bong and smoked him

Secretly the most competent: Aw :( Damn

Shawty: ?????

dig dug: i wouldn’t want to get high with any of you.

Loser got possessed: will can you use the smoke powers from the samurai guy to make like animal shapes if we smoke

Shawty: theoretically???? im still reeling from the fact im being put in a bong

catnip: we’ll let you out of the bong if you do smoke tricks

dig dug: none of you should have access to any substances

Secretly the most competent: I’d never abuse substances. I love substances.

Chapter Text

SOMEBODY CALL 911

Closet case: NEARLY HOME!

Loser got possessed: oh hell yeah

Closet case: Got the goods too.

Closet case: “The goods” being my personal belongings, but

Shawty: jade driving again?

Closet case: Yerp 

Closet case: We're listening to Chappel Roan rn in case anyone was invested

Shawty: oh FUCK yes

dig dug: oi losve chaepp lroan

Shawty: ????

DC!!!: aaand weve msde it out of dms

dig dug: sprru 

dig dug: sooty 

dig dug: fuck

DC!!!: it's okay dude but ypu should probably set your phone down

dig dug: im lirfxwrally fime 

dig dug: w8ting for catnipr

dig dug: I mjss ger

Shawty: what the fuck is going on 

Shawty: is he like

Shawty: drunk. 

DC!!!: yea, actually

dig dug: WKLL

dig dug: wukl ofhmy god hi im ssory I'm such a duxk tk you yorue aomxuh cooler thsn me

dig dug: also syour pworrty wasntthay bad

dig dug: also ur hot

dig dug: aslo also two (2l maixed drinks deep

dig dug: I maightve gone hebagy on the adlochol thk

DC!!!: your also a shit teen with a shitter tolerance

dig dug: FUCK ur right jr alswys rught 

Shawty: oh this is Bad Bad

dig dug: hejy inm tyrign oaky

dig dug: hwo do yuo maake tehtaext frwonies

dig dug: :9( :*((( 

DC!!!: thats graet dude are we drinking water

dig dug: YAES i am

dig dug: hedaache alerady

dig dug: tequalia has abtrayed me

dig dug: wsait thats jsut like me omg

dig dug: msn

dig dug: that aws bad . ismsorry

DC!!!: you’ve said that already

dig dug: o

dig dug: wrll