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Patton is stupid.
That’s what everyone thinks.
The fans.
The sides.
Thomas.
Patton is stupid.
But that’s not true.
Oh, no.
Patton wasn’t stupid.
He knows exactly what he’s doing.
Keeping up his Happy Pappy Patton act so the others know nothing.
They don’t know how much he struggles.
They don’t know how truly unhappy he is.
They don’t know how much he just wants to not exist anymore.
But he toughs it out.
For them.
Because god, does he love them.
They’re the only thing that’s kept him from destroying himself.
Because god, does he want to.
There was a time when he didn’t. When he stopped wishing his worthless self dead. When he thought he was getting better. When he was… happy.
But that point has long passed.
Everything is a mess now.
Everything has changed.
He has never wanted to be dead so badly.
And this time, he doesn’t have his famILY’s support.
Nothing is stopping him.
No holding back.
Let’s see how stupid the other sides are.
O.O.O.O.O.O.O
It started early in the morning after another sleepless night.
Patton cracked open his eyes, inhaling deeply.
Here we go.
He forced himself out of bed and to the bathroom, turning on the shower and undressing. He stands under the hot water, his skin burning and tinged red, but he can’t feel it.
He doesn’t feel anything.
By the time he was finally done with his shower, two hours had passed. He didn’t dare look in the mirror, afraid to see the disgusting mess staring back at him.
Maybe breakfast will be better.
Breakfast was a disaster.
Everyone was screaming at each other. Berating, accusing, shouting, pushing, shoving, cussing–
It was just so loud.
And Patton just can’t–
He eventually sunk out into his room after getting yelled at by every one of the sides. He didn’t bother defending himself, he knew it was no use.
They finally see how pathetic and worthless he is.
That’s it.
He has no reason to live anymore.
No reason to exist.
The sides hate him.
What does Thomas need a broken Morality for?
Now is finally the time.
He has to be discrete if he wants to pull this off. If he got caught, he needed to make it look like a mistake.
A silly, stupid, mistake.
Something that the other sides would think Patton did on accident.
And Patton has the perfect solution.
O0O
“Virgil?” Patton knocked on his door, hoping to get an answer just this once.
After a few moments of silence, Patton speaks again, “Virgil, please. I need your help.”
Finally, the door opens to reveal his dark stra– Virgil.
“What do you want?” He says with a scowl on his pale face.
Patton almost loses his composure. Thinking, maybe it’s not worth it… But once he glances up at Virgil again, he remembers it’ll be better this way.
For everyone.
“I just need some Melatonin, that’s all!” He sounded cheery, attempting to hide the fact he was the complete opposite right now.
Virgil narrowed his dark eyes, “And what do you need that for?”
“Can’t sleep. Just too energetic! It just happens sometimes.” Which wasn’t a complete lie, though, he felt as though he could sleep for 3 days. “I haven’t been able to sleep for the past few nights and I’m getting really tired.”
Fuck, too much information.
Virgil’s expression softened slightly, to Patton’s surprise. “Oh. Well then yeah, I’ll get you some. How much do you want?” He asked, already retreating into his room to grab said medication.
Patton pauses, before he asks, “Do you– Can I have the whole bottle?”
Virgil freezes, then he turns around to give Patton a questioning look. “The whole bottle?”
“Y–yeah. I–I want to have it when this happens again, y’know?” He tries for a smile. God, I hope I don’t sound too desperate.
Virgil seems to have bought it though. He opens his nightstand drawer and pulls out a full bottle of Melatonin.
He hands it off to Patton. “Be responsible or whatever.”
“Don’t worry!” Patton can’t bring himself to say ‘I will’ so he just smiles brightly at Virgil and heads back into his room.
Once his door is closed and locked, he opens the bottle of Melatonin, reaches his hand in, and pulls one out.
Ooooo they’re gummies!!
Patton smiles slightly. Who says this can’t be fun?
He eats the gummies one by one, begging that when he falls asleep he’ll never wake up again.
About halfway through the bottle, he starts to feel drowsy, and distorted, like the world is on its side.
Good.
Another one.
Pathetic.
Another.
Hypocrite.
One more.
Overbearing.
Just one more.
Worthless.
Last one.
Stupid.
Just one last one.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
The bottle is empty.
This is it.
He can finally leave.
His vision is so blurry, and his limbs are so numb that he drops the empty bottle, slumping against his bed from where he is sitting on the floor.
His thoughts and senses slow as he gives in to the darkness.
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
Virgil lays on his back in his bed, trying to fall asleep, but he can’t stop thinking about his earlier interaction with Patton.
There was just something… off about Patton wanting an entire bottle of Melatonin. His reason for it was believable enough, but the way he acted… and even his mannerisms at breakfast were weird.
Patton didn’t even bother to show up to lunch or dinner, though Virgil can understand why. Breakfast was… a lot.
Okay, that’s it. He’ll just go check on Patton! That’ll make his brain shut up. Because Patton is fine! He’s just overreacting. Patton is always fine!
Right?
He rolls out of bed and walks across the room, opening his door into the hallway. He slowly makes his way down the corridor. Why is he so anxious?? Well, more than normal.
He’d had a feeling of dread heavy in his stomach all day, but he hadn’t been able to place it.
Please don’t be Patton, please don’t be Patton, please don’t be Patton.
Virgil eventually makes it up to Patton’s door. He takes a deep breath before knocking. “Patton?”
No answer.
Which is fine! Patton is probably asleep! That’s why he asked for the Melatonin after all.
“Patton? Are you awake? I just… I just want to make sure you’re okay.” Virgil tries one more time.
He carefully tries the door, only to find it locked.
Well, fuck.
He desperately turns the handle, only managing to jiggle it. “Patton? Hey Pat, open up, you’re scaring me.”
Still no response.
No no no no no!
He steps back from the door, eyes wide. He’s hyperventilating.
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
He can’t do this.
He can’t.
He needs help.
After a few rounds of breathing exercises, Virgil runs back down the hallway, pounding on each of the sides’ doors. “HEY! WAKE UP! SOMETHING’S WRONG WITH PATTON!”
They quickly stumbled out of their rooms, rubbing their eyes and groaning in protest.
“What is the meaning of this?”
“This isn’t annoying at all.”
“Bitch!”
“Ugh, did you have to wake us up so aggressively, Scare-amore?”
Virgil whips around to face them fury painting an ugly picture on his face. “Did you not hear what I just said?! Something is wrong with Patton!”
Roman scoffs. “Are you sure that isn’t just your anxiety making things seem like a bigger deal than they are?”
Okay, that’s it.
Virgil’s spider limbs shoot out of his back. He hisses at Roman, multiple pairs of eyes popping up on his face.
“Woah! Okay, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it! I’m just… upset…” Roman holds his hands out in a placating gesture.
“Hey, hey, hey! No need to go Spider-Man on us.” Although attempting to make a joke, Remus did look slightly scared.
“Virgil, please calm down.” Janus’ voice was both sarcastic and soft somehow, like he was trying to comfort Virgil while still putting on the ‘I don’t care’ act.
“There is no need for this.” Logan was aiming to use logic to solve the problem, unfortunately, that is not what they needed at the moment.
Virgil ignored their meaningless attempts to calm him down. Instead, he turned to Patton’s door, breaking it with one of his spider legs.
“Holy shit!”
“Virgil—”
“What the hell?!”
“Okay, wow.”
The other sides stared at him in disbelief. He didn’t care. He walked through the threshold of the door and his spider limbs immediately hid themselves again.
His hands go to his mouth, tears welling up in his eyes.
Patton’s room is somehow messier than usual, with objects from Thomas’ past scattered around the floor, shelves, and the desk that Patton never uses.
The usually comforting atmosphere of the room is gone, now replaced with a heavy feeling of despair, darkness lazily coating the far edges of the room.
Patton is slumped against his bed, an empty bottle of Melatonin beside him. His eyes were closed.
Fuck.
Virgil rushed to his side. “Patton. Patton! Hey, please wake up. Please…”
The others were quick to come into the room.
“What… what happened?” Logan asked, staring wide-eyed at the sleeping side.
Janus kneels next to Patton, putting two fingers to his neck. “He has a pulse. It’s slow, but it’s there.”
“Thank fucking god…” Roman says quietly, steadying himself on the wall.
Remus grabs the bottle from the floor. “Melatonin? Why does he have this?”
Virgil looked up from his kneeled position, tears streaming down his face. “He–he came to m–me asking for some cause he s–said he couldn’t sleep. H–he said he was too hyper and hadn’t slept in–in d–days…” He stuttered out, choking on poorly hidden sobs.
“You gave him the entire fucking bottle?!”
“I wasn’t thinking, okay!?!”
“The arguing is not helping.” Logan laid his hand on Virgil’s shoulder, squeezing it comfortingly.
Janus surveyed Patton for a few moments longer before saying, “Let’s bring him to the couch. When he wakes up, we’ll be there.”
“His room also does not seem to be helping…” Logan adds, gesturing to the mess, as well as the darkness creeping at the corners.
“Roman, if you could please,” Janus motioned to Patton.
But Roman doesn’t move. He’s still staring at Patton, with wide, terrified eyes.
Janus turned to face him. “Roman..?” He approached Roman cautiously.
Janus put a hand on his shoulder, fixing his gaze with a soft, concerned look. “Hey, I know this is scary, but I need you to focus. We can still help Patton, but we need you.”
Roman stared at him for a few seconds before shaking his head.
Virgil’s heart broke a bit at seeing Roman so… lost. So scared. So hurt.
So guilty.
That’s what they were all feeling now.
Guilt.
They caused this, how could they not have?
They’ve been horrible to, not just Patton, but each other too.
Patton was just the first one to break.
They’ve most likely been the harshest on him, though. Virgil doesn’t even know why anymore. It doesn’t matter. What matters now is whether Patton is going to be okay.
How long has Patton been feeling like this?
They’ll find out when Patton wakes up.
If…
If he wakes up…
Virgil was startled out of his thoughts by Remus. “I can take him to the couch..”
There was no joking underlying tone to his words.
“Yes, thank you, Remus.” No sarcasm in Janus’ voice.
Remus swiftly, but carefully, picks up Patton and disappears into the hallway.
Janus follows shortly after, leaving Virgil, Logan, and Roman staring at the doorway, attempting to work up the courage to go through it.
Virgil made eye contact with Logan.
He was pale, deep blue eyes blown wide.
This was the first time Virgil had seen the logical side truly scared.
And he did not like seeing that look on Logan’s face.
Roman eventually strode out, attempting to seem confident, but ultimately failing.
The other two followed soon after.
:3:3:3:3:3:3:3:3:3:3:3:3:3
Patton heard voices.
He slowly came into consciousness, wracking his brain on what happened, and where he was.
The voices were murmuring something, though they were too quiet for Patton to hear.
He felt something soft covering him, but he vaguely remembered sitting upright leaning against his bed frame.
Am I dead?
He forces his eyes open, only to be met with bright light. He groaned and rolled over, hiding his face in the pillow.
“Patton?” He heard what sounded like Virgil say.
Oh. I’m not dead.
Patton didn’t respond, hoping that maybe Virgil would think he’d gone back to sleep.
“Hey, Pat, I know you’re awake.”
Tears stung Patton’s eyes.
But I don’t want to be.
He felt someone sit next to him. They started running their hands through his hair. “It’s okay. You don’t have to hide from us. We’re here for you Patton, always have been, and forever will be.”
Patton couldn’t help the small smile that crept onto his face. “Necktie.”
He finally turned his head away from the pillow to look at the other sides here with him.
Roman was the one sitting next to him, still carding a hand through his tangled curls, and Virgil was leaning forward in a chair next to the couch, eyes fixed on Patton with concern.
“There he is!” Roman said softly, but still loud enough for Logan to hear him.
“Is Patton awake?” He walked into Patton’s view, standing beside Virgil. His eyes searched Patton’s as if they were looking for something within them.
“Yeah, yeah. He’s awake.” Virgil said, relief evident in his voice.
Oh right. He’s awake.
But he doesn’t want to be.
He was supposed to die! To never wake up again! Because he was tired of waking up.
He was tired of waking up and just being lonely all day. Being yelled at, berated, and reminded of all his mistakes that he already felt horrible about.
The tears he had been trying to hold back came in full force.
The others sat in silent shock, unsure of the implications of why he was crying.
They just didn’t understand.
“Hey! We heard Patty was awa–” Remus stopped and cut himself off after appearing in the living room. “Woah, woah, hey! Why’re ya crying?” He said surprisingly gently, cupping Patton’s cheek.
Janus–who had popped up along with Remus–gave the light sides a questioning look. They held up their hands, just as confused as the rest of them.
“Y–you guys really don’t get it, do you?” Patton asked in between sobs.
They all shook their heads.
Oh, well that’s just the best part now, isn’t it?
Patton laughed hysterically, sitting up and pushing himself off of the couch into a standing position. “You guys are complete idiots sometimes, you know that?”
Oh, and the looks on their faces! Patton had been waiting a long time to say that.
“What– Patton..?” Roman looked almost scared. Scared of what would come next.
He should be.
Because Patton is done holding back.
“Y’know? I could just use the excuse I was planning: ‘Oh, the gummies just looked so good! I couldn’t help myself! I had no idea it would make me almost die!’ It’s just silly, stupid Morality overdosing on accident! Not because he has wanted to die for so long now, and has finally been given an excuse to do it. No! He’s just an idiot who likes gummies! The gummy part is true, I’ll give you that, but I am not as much of an idiot as I’ve made myself out to be. And yeah! I’ll admit that it is my fault, I’ve put on this persona of an idiot who doesn’t know what he’s doing for so long that even I’m starting to believe it! But that’s not who I am. Yes, I am still silly, and yes, I love dad jokes, and taking care of you guys, because I love you guys! So fucking much. But I can’t do this anymore. I keep making mistakes over and over and over again, and I can’t seem to be able to fix them! I am trying so hard to make things right, but– but you guys won’t listen! And maybe it’s selfish to want the easy way out, but one of the things I have learned recently is that you have to be selfish sometimes. But apparently the mindscape has some other plans for me because I’m still here! Still here in this hellish nightmare I can’t seem to get myself out of.”
The silence that followed Patton’s words was deafening.
The others’ eyes were wide as saucers, mouths hanging open slightly.
Patton just stood there, panting, not making eye contact with any of the sides, with tears still dripping from his eyes.
Realization flashed across his face.
Oh, no, did I really just say all that?
“I–I–I’m so sorry. That– I– I don’t know what came over me. Just– forget I ever said anything.” Patton sunk to the ground, guilt now replacing his features.
After a few more minutes of silence, Patton decided to ask the question that had been burning in his mind since he woke up.
He hesitantly spoke. “How— how long was I out for?”
Logan was the one who answered. “3 days.”
Patton sucks in a sharp breath.
3 days is a long time to be asleep…
“O—oh…”
“Patton..” Virgil finally speaks from where he is still seated. He stands up and approaches Patton, kneeling down to pull him into a hug. “I am so fucking sorry you have been going through all of this. I knew it was a bad idea to give you that Melatonin… the signs were all there! I just… somehow didn’t see them…”
Patton fully melts into the hug, burying his face in Virgil’s shoulder. “S okay. I was trying to hide it.” He mumbled.
“But you shouldn’t have to.” Roman joins Virgil in hugging him, wrapping his arms around Patton’s waist from the back. “You shouldn’t have to go through these things alone. But we made you feel like you have to… I am truly sorry my dear Padre, we weren’t always there for you, but now we will be. And we want you here. Please don’t leave…”
Patton’s breath stuttered. He… he didn’t know what to say.
Logan sat next to him, leaning against his shoulder. He softly whispered in Patton’s ear, “We will attempt to make your quality of life better, Patton, to ensure you don’t feel the need to do this again. I especially will make more of an effort to assist you in any way you may require.” He pressed a gentle kiss to Patton’s temple. Patton didn’t have time to deduce whether it was strictly platonic or not before Remus launched himself into Patton’s lap, making the moral side squeak.
“I love you Patton-cake, and I think the mindscape would be a lot more boring without you scolding us all the time!” That prompted a surprised little giggle from Patton. Remus beamed. “And.. if you ever need help with those unwanted icky thoughts, I can help you evict those fuckers.”
That made Patton laugh just a little bit louder, a small smile making an appearance on his face. “Thank you, Remus.”
Finally, Janus bent down, wiping some of the leftover tears from Patton’s face with his glove. “Thomas needs you, Patton. And, well, we need you too. You are the only thing keeping this family together. Without you, things would turn to chaos. I know it’s hard always being the mediator, always being the one to break up the fights and force us to make up, but you are doing a wonderful job. And we will all make an effort to switch off that role, because it seems you are finally at your breaking point. You are not alone, Patton and we will be here for you whenever you need it.”
Patton stared at him, wide-eyed, taking a few seconds to process everything.
They do care.
They do understand.
Maybe not fully, but they will.
Because Patton’s not going to hide from them anymore.
A smile breaks out on Patton’s face. “I love you all so much.”
Virgil laughs. “We love you too, Pat. So goddamn much.”
“We were scared shitless about you, ya know.” Remus glanced up at Patton with bright shiny eyes.
“Yeah,” Roman hugged him a little tighter. “3 days without you is a long time.”
“Wooowww just tell him we completely fell apart without him when it was only 3 days, why don’t you?” Janus rolled his eyes, but his smile got rid of any real annoyance.
“Hey, I thought we were supposed to be convincing him to stay!”
“This is true.” Logan joins in. “But what if he ever needs a break?”
“Well, hopefully, next time he won’t be passed out from overdosing next time!”
“Hey, no joking about that.”
“I’m not trying to!”
“Mmmm, you kind of are.”
“YOU ALL ARE MAKING ME THE VICTIM HERE!”
“Uh huh, whatever you say, Princey.”
Patton giggles, listening to his family banter.
And maybe.
Just maybe.
He didn’t want to die anymore.