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On the trip over Adam was conscious that Harlan was doing his best to be supportive. “A real professional, Adam, that’s what you need. With experience. That’s better than I can do. You want someone patient. Calm. This guy sounds laid back, you said, right?”
Adam stared out of the window of the key-cutting van, dread mounting up with each mile they travelled. How was he ever going to handle driving like all these grown ups? It seemed an impossible feat.
“He was very quietly spoken on the phone.”
Harlan slapped the steering wheel enthusiastically. “That’s what I’m saying. A nice quiet guy who will take it at your speed.”
After multiple failed lesson attempts, Adam had bitten the bullet and sought out a driving instructor who advertised themself as specialising in nervous drivers. The venue the instructor had suggested, the barren parking lot of a disused shopping mall in the sticks, to ensure they had a private area to practise in, was pretty depressing but at least it should be free of challenging obstacles such as other traffic, pedestrians and the like. Harlan was available to drop Adam off before his first lesson but then had to head out to a job so he would have to make his way home under his own steam. It would involve a trek to the bus station but since his transfer to an observatory closer to said home, Adam needed his driver’s licence. So he was going to have to make this work.
The instructor got out of his car as they pulled up and Adam was relieved to see he had a kind face. He looked as if life had clobbered him at points but it was a kind face nonetheless. The car was also exactly as he’d described it. Compact and manageable.
Harlan climbed out of his van to shake the man’s hand and do introductions. He squeezed Adam’s shoulder and told him, “You can do this, okay. I believe in you, hear me. And no talking about space. Or actors. Now it's time to drive.” He winked at the instructor.
As Harlan sped off through the empty lot he wound down his window and gave them a wave. Adam stared at the back of his retreating hand, wishing against everything that he was beside him in the passenger seat again.
Overgård took a deep breath. “So no other ones around. Only us.” He indicated the surrounding desolate asphalt. The paint marking off the individual bays was scuffed and faded, entirely worn away in some sections and tufts of weeds grew in unexpected lumps along the exterior crumbling walls.
When Adam remained silent, Overgård continued, “How does that feel?”
Adam found he couldn’t speak. He felt sick, the same as his previous attempts at a lesson. Luckily, he’d already disclosed on the phone that this might happen. All he could manage was a shrug of his shoulders as he looked at a dirty grey puddle by his feet.
“Here’s what we are going to do. You can sit in the driver’s seat, yes? That’s all I ask. We won’t start the engine yet. We just sit. Okay?”
He turned and opened the driver’s side door for Adam. After a second’s hesitation, Adam uprooted himself and was able to sit, his pulse thudding in his ears as he reminded himself it was only sitting. He didn’t have to do anything else. Overgård closed the door as gently as possible behind him, which Adam appreciated, before making his way calmly around to the passenger side, with just the suggestion of a limp to his gait. The car interior was warm and smelt of butterscotch. Adam spied a handful of candies in the cup holder.
Smoothing down his beard as he sat, Overgård said, “How are you doing?”
Adam made the sort of shrug that meant, “Okay, I guess.” It didn’t feel okay in actual fact but he also wasn’t able to be entirely honest with a stranger. Masking was hard to drop even when you wanted to.
Worrying that he would be sick in here, he fumbled trying to open the car window to get a little air.
“Allow me, please.” Overgård leaned across him and hit the appropriate button on the car door. He then lowered his own window to let a breeze through the car.
A few idle moments later he asked, “Better?” to which Adam managed a nod.
“Good. So we can start. First thing. What do we always do when we get in the car? This is about the law and safety.” He held up two fingers.
Adam was staring at the ridges of the curved stitched leather around the steering wheel in front of him. His internal panic began to grow. He didn’t know. He couldn’t think.
“Sometimes when we get worried we forget things. That’s okay. But with repetition, we remember. The more we practise, the more your muscles hold on to what to do, even when you are under pressure.”
Switching his gaze into the distance, Adam realised he was starting to disassociate. He tried squeezing his eyes shut tightly and blinking them open.
“Would it help if I say you don’t need to drive today at all? We can agree the goal for this afternoon is to get comfortable in the car. We aim that by the end of the lesson you can find your way around this.” He waved to the interior of the car and all the controls.
Adam ran a tongue along the roof of his dry mouth. It did sit better to know that he wouldn’t have to drive the car today.
“And if you feel up to it, we turn the engine on but keep her in Park. But no pressure. Okay?”
Adam managed a nod.
Overgård gave him a small and genuine smile. “Good.” He left a pause that seemed deliberate before reaching over his shoulder for his seat belt. “So what do we do when we first get in the car? Every time.” The buckle clunked into place.
Now that he was on the spot, Adam had no idea the order you did any of these steps. He’d watched countless videos online but all the information swam and lurched in his brain once he was actually in the hot seat of a vehicle.
Overgård stroked a thumb at the strap that nestled across his ample belly.
And then Adam got it. The seat belt. He hadn’t put his on. He reached for it, his jelly fingers struggling to push the buckle into the holder. Overgård said nothing, simply sat silently until there was a click and Adam was able to let go.
“Perfect. So every time. Sit. Seat belt. Because if you are parked you can still get hit. So the seat belts keep us safe.”
Adam did feel more secure with the snug belt holding him.
After that, Overgård demonstrated all the controls, the lights, turn signal, windshield wipers, mirrors, how to pop the hood and the fuel cap, everything.
“We are doing great. How about a quiz?”
“Okay,” Adam replied croakily. At some point he’d begun to be able to speak again.
“So, remember the car is your friend. She is not scary. Other drivers can be but not her. If you handle her correctly, she will do what you ask her to. Nine times out of ten. If you don’t look after your car, well, then she can get a little…” He rocked his hand back and forth. “But I can tell you are going to look after your car.”
That Adam could do. Or pay somebody else to do, at least. Harlan had already recommended him a reliable mechanic.
“Now for the quiz. Okay. Where is your turn signal?”
Adam’s heart was pounding while the hair on the nape of his neck prickled. Why couldn’t he retain any of it? The inside of his head buzzed as he tried to separate all the strands of what he had learned.
Softly Overgård guided him as his hand hovered. “Left. Left. Other left.”
Shame crept up Adam’s collar as he realised he was doing so badly. Being observed doing anything practical always wrecked his nerves but this was a really poor performance.
“No disasters here. We are learning.”
There was a threatening tear clinging to his lashes. He rubbed it away as subtly as he could manage. Overgård noticed all the same.
“Enough for today?”
Adam considered it. Yes, honestly he probably had had enough. But by leaving now he’d be dogged by a feeling of failure and would likely never return, the same as all the other times. So he shook his head, determined to continue for the full session. With some repetition he started to get the answers correct.
“I’m going to make a suggestion. You want to try starting her?”
He held the keys up. A small metal globe keyring hung from the bulky dark plastic car key.
“What if I…” Adam struggled to say it.
“Crash? Into what? Even if you floor it, it will take us five minutes to get near anything. And I’m right here to help you.”
Trying again, Adam asked, “What if I do something wrong?” His voice sounded pitiful to his own ears.
“Then we start over. You cannot hurt either of us in here.” Overgård gestured to the empty parking lot.
He presented the key once more. “You know how this works? Press and ping, key appears. This button is unlocked and this locked. Try it.”
The internal locking thunked all around them as Adam obediently played with the buttons. He had to admit this was quite satisfying. He felt in control all of a sudden. Next, Overgård explained what he was going to do with his hands and feet. They rehearsed without actually turning the engine over, Overgård talking him through each step, again and again until he had some muscle memory of the sequence.
With his right foot planted down hard, pain shot up Adam’s leg and his hand trembled as he put the key to the ignition for real. There were numerous scratches where someone, other learners presumably, had missed the keyhole slot repeatedly. Finally, it slid satisfyingly into the space designed for it. He clutched the handle of the key, not twisting it, until he found the courage to rotate his wrist as Overgård prompted him. The engine was faint but the lights on the dash all came on like a Christmas tree so he’d definitely done it. Releasing the key, he tried to remind his body to breathe.
“Perfect. Now into Drive.” Overgård’s tone was calm and gentle.
The car felt as if it had awoken as Adam gripped the gear shift.
“Parking brake.” It was stiff but he managed it.
“Foot.”
The car jumped jerkily as Adam moved his straining muscles.
“You are doing it. Now squeeze the brake. Soft and easy. Squeeze. Just like that. And up again.”
The car slowed and accelerated as he switched between the pedals.
After a bit more practice, Adam shifted into Park and turned the key back towards him. He was so overcome that Overgård applied the parking brake for him as Adam tapped his linked fingers against his chin. Surging relief travelled through him from head to toe. Nothing bad had happened. He’d driven a car and nothing bad had happened.
They had gone several yards forward. He decided he wasn’t ready for reverse yet.
Overgård twisted in his seat. His eyes were bright. “You did very well. I’m proud of you. And now we are almost finished our lesson.”
There was a fluttering inside Adam’s chest at the praise. For him, today was an achievement, even if it was something that was simple for other people.
“But before we finish I want to ask you. Tell me how I did. Did I talk too much? Too little? What can I do next time to make this easier for you?”
Adam willed himself to concentrate, taking his words at face value. He had been patient, precisely as Adam required. Had let him take it slow and offered him an out. And it had worked, he had made some progress. More than he ever had before. He still couldn’t quite believe it. Adam Raki had driven a car.
Rubbing a thumb around the looping logo on the steering wheel, he said, “You did fine. It’s just me.”
“We are going to do this. One step at a time.” Overgård sunk his fist into his palm.
Today was enough. Adam didn’t want to focus on the next steps. Meeting a new person and spending an hour with them in a confined space was exhausting for him, never mind attempting to get a grip on his fear of making the car move.
He attempted to explain. “It’s terrifying. Driving is so dangerous. I don’t trust myself to be in charge of something this deadly. I could kill someone, several someones.”
Overgård looked out of the window. “It is dangerous, you are correct.”
Feeling appalled, Adam spluttered, “Aren’t you going to reassure me?”
Sticking out his bottom lip a fraction, Overgård shook his head. “Good drivers understand how dangerous it is. That makes them careful. You will be a careful driver because you are going to pay attention. I can tell.”
A lump raised itself in Adam’s throat. “I don’t think I’ll be able to do it.”
Pivoting towards him, Overgård’s firm voice was full of conviction. “It doesn’t matter how long it takes, we will get you there.”
“Have you had people give up, who just can’t do it?”
“Yes, but that won’t be you. It’s going to go fine. Trust me, I know what I’m doing.” He patted his own knee for emphasis.
For the first time, Adam noticed his missing fingertips. How had he not picked up on that yet? Too distracted by his fears, probably. It appeared he’d been correct about life not treating him kindly. And if this man could get through whatever caused him to lose his them, well, couldn’t Adam get through learning what millions of other human beings managed to do?
Overgård noticed him noticing his fingers. He didn’t make a move to relocate his hand, simply asking him, “Is your friend coming to get you?”
Realising their time was up, Adam unbuckled himself. “No. I’m walking to the bus terminal.”
Overgård whistled through his teeth, before saying, “Let me give you a ride. You are my last lesson for the day and I’m heading that way. Now you’ll see how good a driver I am, huh. Inspire you. Or maybe you want your money back.” He chuckled.
In response, Adam did his seat belt up until Overgård nudged him, patiently indicating that they had to switch places. By now Adam was resigned to embarrassing himself in front of this nice man continuously so he tried not to let another mistake get to him. There would undoubtedly be a whole host more until he got that damn licence.