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Leone's couch, by all objective opinions, was hideous. A soft pink floral pattern printed over a beige, quilted fabric and braided white silk framing the stitched edges. The cushions were comfortable, no doubt, but the design was atrocious. It looked like it would belong in a grandma's home instead of a twenty-two years old man's house who had a refined taste for every possible shade of black. It was ugly, as was most things decorating his home, giving off the feeling of visiting your grandma on a cold weekend. But Leone loved that couch.
Every morning he would pour himself a cup of coffee, cook up a miniscule breakfast, and sit in silence on his couch for a while, drinking and force feeding himself eggs until the morning passed. Silence and breakfast was a combination that set his mornings right.
He loved his home, even if it looked like a granny decorated it. He had really come to appreciate ugly things since, as he had called it, his resurrection. An ugly house felt easier to live in, easier to call home.
He had already finished his measly breakfast, stomach churning from the few bites of eggs he had managed to gag down, and now he simply sipped his coffee, staring out his window and watching gray clouds pass by slowly.
He took a deep breath, feeling his lungs expand against his ribs painfully, and released a series of coughs that made his chest ache and lungs burn.
"Fuck," He stuttered in between a cough, and hacked a few more times before he settled, taking another painful deep breath.
He sat for a few moments longer, simply catching his breath and enjoying his morning for just one more minute. Once it was somewhat easier to breath, he stood, leaving his coffee mug on the table, and cracked his neck.
"Okay," He said to himself, "What the fuck is he doing".
When he had bought his house, he had made the hesitant offer to Bruno to move in, offering a place to finally stand still for a moment. No more running around, chasing after people, hiding in different dingy apartment every week, just silence and stillness, calm mornings and late night, home cooked dinners.
Bruno had accepted his offer, and they had lived together for over half a year now.
Of the three, Bruno dealt with the most repercussions of being resurrected. He had a tendency to space off, as he called it, sitting completely still in one place for long periods of time, eyes glazed and unfocused, body still and unmoving. It was nerve wracking at times, seeing his boss who at one point been diligent and sharp as a knife become an avid visitor to the realm his own head. He had become easier to catch off guard, sudden noises making him jump and yelp when he had once bravely fought with Diavlo single handedly. He would sit in one place for up to two hours at times, sitting and staring.
It was scary to think the repercussions of the fight had affected more than just their bodies.
Leone woke that morning to an empty bed, which was unusual for him. Bruno's sleeping pills normally kept him knocked out well past Leone's morning routine, but this morning he decided to give him his time in space, just enough to drink some coffee.
He walked down the steps that lead to the finished basement, taking his time to avoid losing his breath again. He opened to the door that led to the back patio, and stepped onto the deck.
The air outside was cool, gray clouds painting the sky and covering the sun, which added just a touch of warmth to the chilly air. Fall was starting, and the leaves that lined the hills surrounding the house were blushed with reds and oranges. His black sweater kept the cool breeze off, and he could feel the soft warmth of the barely visible sun beat on his face.
The patio was, arguably, his favorite part of the house. It was a dark stained wooden deck, with seats on either side of it facing the gorgeous view in front of the patio. Potted plants were scattered everywhere on the deck, along with some trees in the grass of the backyard that crept up from the hills. In one of the seats sat Bruno, who faced said view, but his eyes were glazed over, not exactly taking in the scenery. He was still as a statue, hands folded in his lap as he stared off, thinking of everything and nothing at all.
Leone sat next to him, sitting to Bruno's left, but he remained still. Bruno's gaze stayed transfixed ahead of him, eyes glossy and unfocused, and Leone allowed him a few more moments in space as he stared at the view. He didn't exactly know how to help him at times. It was sometimes a struggle to reel him out of his transfixed state without grabbing his shoulders and shaking him, which was a tactic used once by Narancia, making Bruno jump and Look at Narancia with eyes filled with fear. Narancia still feels guilty about it. Their once fearless and focused capo was now constantly spacey and easy to scare.
Leone reached his hand out towards Bruno's hand, squeezing it gently, and began tracing soft circles over the smooth skin, but Bruno's gaze remained forward. Leone brought his hand up to his lips and placed a soft kiss on his knuckles, kissing the scar that traced over them.
"Bruno," He said softly, continuing to trace the hills and valleys of his knuckles, but Bruno's eyes remained fixed still.
"Bruno," He said again, now reaching over and using his free hand to rest on his thigh and squeezing. Now he blinked a few times, eyes most likely dry and irritated from not blinking enough.
"Hey," He smiled, and tucked pieces of Bruno's hairs behind his ear.
"Hey," Bruno said meekly. These zone out session were always met with lots of embarrassment on Bruno's part, ashamed he sat and did nothing for sometimes more than two or three hours. Leone knew "zoning out" and "spacing out" were just watered down terms used by Bruno to avoid the heaviness of the word "dissociating".
Leone touched the sides of Bruno's coffee cup, now long gone cold. He must've been out here for at least an hour, maybe two.
He cupped Bruno's face and placed a kiss on his cheek, and rested his forehead to his.
"I hate when this happens," Bruno mumbled, voice hoarse.
"I know, but beating yourself up about it won't make it any better," He told him, squeezing his hand again.
"I didn't get to drink my coffee," Bruno said, sadly glancing at his neglected mug.
"Want to go inside and get a new cup?," Leone asked, removing his forehead and cupping his face gently.
"Yeah," Bruno nodded slowly, and Leone stood, helping Bruno to his feet, groaning as he did. Leone placed another kiss on the opposite cheek and smoothed his hair down.
Bruno kept his eyes to their feet, and Leone could feel the shame radiate off of him.
Leone felt helpless, and the feeling of helplessness led to shame. Therapy wasn't an option, having to explain to a therapist that they had died and come back to life sounded like misery and disbelief. They did what they could on their own, but having Bruno open up is like opening a geode with a toothpick. Leone just wished he could step inside his mind and see for himself what was going on with him, but the answer to that was obvious in some ways.
He died twice and came back to life twice, of course he's fucked up about it. The part that wasn't obvious was how to fix it.
They made their way back up the steps, Bruno trailing behind as they traversed their home back to the kitchen.
Pulling the kitchen chair out for him, Bruno took his seat with a small "Thank you", and Leone started making a small pot of fresh coffee.
"Have you eaten yet?," He asked.
"I... don't think so, no," Bruno said, trying to back track his morning to pinpoint if he did or not.
"How about something small to eat? Want some toast? Or eggs?," He offered, pressing the start button on the machine.
"Some toast for now, please".
"Of course," Leone grabbed the bread off the counter and placed two slices in the toaster for them.
"It's weird, huh?," Bruno said, huffing slightly in a fake laugh. Leone turned and looked at him, signaling for him to continue.
"It's weird how the three of us did technically die, but we all kind of moved on from it. I wouldn't say that we pretend it didn't happen, but I think we all dance around the subject a lot".
Leone ran his tongue over his teeth, and nodded slowly.
"I know what you mean. It's not easy to talk about, for us or for them. I think Mista and Fugo have bad survivor's guilt, and Trish definitely internalizes it and blames herself. Giorno's good at hiding how he feels, but I sometimes I think he wonders if he did the right thing," Leone placed his finger on the lever of the toaster to stifle the "pop" of it finishing. That was among the very simple things that made Bruno jump now. He pulled the toast out and placed each on a plate.
"Jam or butter?," He asked, pulling the butter closer to him for his toast.
"Jam, please".
He opened the fridge and pulled out the jam, and began spreading it on the toast.
"It's not easy, dealing with what happened, but I think we're not doing too bad considering the circumsta-," He turned his head away from the food and covered his mouth to cough, deep and painful. It knocked the wind out of him, and he gasped for breath to release a new series of coughs.
Bruno began to stand up, but Leone put his hand up to still him. He took a deep breath, placing a hand on his aching chest. He turned to look at Bruno, his eyes filled with concern.
"As I was saying," He mumbled, washing his hands quickly and drying them to continue making their food.
"I think we do well considering the circumstances, despite my apparent smokers cough and your back pains and zone out sessions," He finished the food, and then poured two cups of coffee, and brought Bruno his toast and cup first before getting his own to sit at the table alongside him, "We all deal with it differently. You know, apparently Narancia has really gotten into art. He was showing me some of his stuff the other day, he's really good. I think stuff like that is helpful. I've... I've kind of been writing again".
"Have you?," Bruno smiled and took a small bite of his toast, chewing slowly.
"Yeah. Nothing... crazy, just some short stories... some poetry here and there. It's nice to focus on something else and forget about things".
"I'd love to read some of it," Bruno said. Leone hated sharing his writing, preferring to leave his words rotting in a notebook somewhere, but when Bruno looked at him like that, blue eyes glittering in the gray toned light that poured in from outside, of course he'd say yes.
"Of course you can".
"Maybe I'll get back into painting...," Bruno wondered aloud.
"I think that would be good for you, something relaxing would be helpful," Leone agreed, already making a list in his head of things to buy for him. He most likely needs new paints...
"Not that I'm necessarily happy you and Narancia died, but I guess a part of me is grateful we can all relate to each other. I mean, I feel like if we went through this alone it'd be much more difficult," Bruno added, taking a small sip of his coffee.
"I get what you're saying. I couldn't imagine dealing with this on my own, I couldn't imagine you dealing with this on your own," Leone took a bite of his toast.
"How's Narancia been doing, besides the art stuff?," Bruno asked, deflecting the conversation away from himself.
"He's doing okay. He's worried about you, but everyone is, but he's doing well. The new medication he's on really helps his migraines, and he doesn't vomit as much from the pain, so I feel like that's good progress".
"Good, I'm glad," Bruno smiled softly, and looked at his barely eaten food. Eating has been a struggle for both of them. Having a hole punched through your stomach doesn't make it easy to eat until full, or listen to hunger cues correctly. Remembering to eat is difficult for them, and the weight loss has been noticeable on both of them.
"Try to just eat half, we can always eat more later," Leone told him, and took another small bite of his toast. Force feeding was his way of combating complete malnutrition, but even still, he's needed to buy new clothes a few times from how much weight he's lost.
Bruno sighed.
"It's still just so hard, and the difficult part is I don't even know what's hard about it. I don't mean the physical stuff, that is almost the easier part in some weird way, it's just trying to come to terms with the fact that I died, came back to life, then died again, then came back to life again. I am grateful I have a second chance at life, I see so many things differently. Things that I used to think were extremely important are so minuscule now, things that seemed insignificant mean everything to me now. I truly don't think it's right for the dead to come back, my religion really gets in the way of that, but how can I not accept this gift from God? From Giorno?".
"Hey," Leone said, pointing his finger at Bruno, "Don't ever put that brat's name in the same sentence as God's name".
Bruno smiled and rolled his eyes, laughing lightly.
"Fine, this gift solely from God, then," Bruno scoffed.
Leone smiled too, happy he lightened the mood a bit. He knew the conversation was heavy, but he was never one to miss an opportunity to make Bruno smile, or pick on Giorno.
"It is kind of funny to me. I was never very religious growing up. I was always the type to not care about higher powers and things like that, but ever since last year it's been something I've thought about a lot. I don't think I'd ever be a devout Catholic like you, but I have started thinking about things like that more," Leone shrugged and sipped his coffee.
"Calling me a devout Catholic is a bit of a stretch, I am gay," Bruno laughed.
"Okay, true, but you're more devote compared to me," Leone smiled and laughed along with him, "Hey, in my opinion God isn't as homophobic as people say he is if he brought us back, right?".
Bruno rolled his eyes.
"I never understood that. God loves his children, even fags like us," Leone almost choked on his coffee at use of the slur. Bruno was never one to be against reclaiming slurs, but he never said it much, so it was always funny when he did.
"You can't say shit like that when I'm drinking," He laughed after a hard swallow of his coffee, clutching his chest as he laughed. The rapid movement of his diaphragm always hurt when he laughed, but the pain was easier to ignore in this circumstance.
"I mean, I'm not lying though, right? He can't be as hateful towards gay people if he let us come back, right?".
"Pfft," Leone rolled his eyes, "People just use God as an excuse to a bigot. I'm on your side, if the Catholic version of God exists, he loves all his children, except Giorno, no one likes him".
"Leone, that's mean," Bruno scolded, but tried to stifle his own laugh at the joke. They both laughed for a moment, enjoying their moment of peace together before continuing the hard conversation at hand.
"To get back on topic though," Leone sipped his coffee again, "Besides God and stuff like that, I get what you mean about some stuff being really important and some stuff being really stupid. I feel like I appreciate stupid shit more, like home decoration and sunny days more, and stuff that used to piss me off doesn't anymore, like Narancia and Fugo arguing, and honestly I have to admit, Giorno has been more enjoyable since coming back. Never thought I'd say that, but everything I used to worry about seems so... light now".
"Same for me. Even simple things like dinner in the evening or getting up early to see the sun rise is so much more enjoyable. It's probably just the things we used to take for granted that seem more monumental now".
"Yeah, I was never one to care about seemingly trivial things like sunrises and shit like that, but it all feels more vibrant. Again, it probably is the whole second chance at life thing," Leone took another bite of his toast, trying not to grimace at the taste. Food was definitely something he wished he got to enjoy more since coming back.
"Can I ask," Bruno trailed off, sipping his coffee, "Do you... remember anything? From being gone?".
Leone finished his coffee and set his cup side, then thought for a moment.
"Honestly, not entirely. I remember being sad, and scared, more scared than I have ever been. I remember talking to my partner, but I don't remember what we talked about. It's all very vague and fuzzy, I remember being there, just not everything that happened there. I mostly remember how I felt".
"Same here. It was weird for me. I think... when I space out, I think I am thinking about it, just not... thinking about it in the way you recall a normal memory. It's like I'm actually there... in the afterlife...," Bruno trailed off, eyes narrowing as he tried to align his thoughts.
"I don't know, it's all so weird. I have such a renewed look on life, but at the same time it feels so off. I used to love food, now I can't stand it, sleep is impossible, and my back kills me. Most times day blur past me and I struggle remembering everything because I'm so zoned out. I feel so much more vulnerable now, and technically I am. I'm not as strong as I used to be, I'm not as diligent, and the pain is unbearable most days. It's hard accepting the changes in myself".
Leone stayed silent for a moment, digesting what Bruno had told him. Out of all of them, it was hard for Bruno to talk about these things the most, especially the after affects of coming back. Narancia dealt with head splitting migraines that used to have him bent over the toilet for hours puking from pain, Leone has coughed so hard he hacked up blood on multiple occasions, Bruno dealt with debilitating back pain and his eyesight isn't as clear as before. Narancia and him had spent hours talking about it before, the pain, dying, all of it, and they had worked through a lot of it together, but Bruno never opened up. He never wanted to talk about his pain or his resurrection. This was an incredibly rare moment for him.
"When I had first came back, everything felt very surreal. I remember being outside my body, then being back in it, and just moving forward from there. I...," He trailed off, gnawing on his lip in thought, "I could feel my body rotting. I felt my organs failing, my skin rotting, my eyesight going... that's something no one will ever experience. Being alive yet physically decaying. I had accepted that eventually I would fully die, but how much can someone actually fully accept their own death?".
Leone listened, nodding in acknowledgment to what he was saying.
"Back then, I felt like I had the strength to keep pushing forward, push past the pain and defeat the boss, and I did. We won, and then I died. I remember feeling happy, I was so glad the boss was defeated and everyone else survived, but I was also so sad, so heartbroken. I felt like I got to barely live my life, and it had ended. Narancia and you barely got to live life, and I couldn't stop thinking about you two. I was so happy to have come back, but was it worth it? I'm in so much pain, I'm so tired, I'm so weak. I've lost almost twenty pounds, my eyesight is terrible... I can't focus on shit. Was it worth it?," He finished and looked to Leone, his question lingering in the air like smoke.
All the pain and misery had been a plague they had dealt with for a full year now. Simply moving around and doing house chores was excruciating, burning lungs and searing back pain made the simplest tasks into a whole ordeal of coughing and hissing in pain. Sleep was a fight, both of them needing pills to just get some rest, and even then exhaustion persisted well into the day. They both could barely eat, with sour stomachs and low appetites leading to rapid weight loss and muscle decrease.
Through all of it, all the pain and misery, it was easy to look past it all when Leone had so many people in his life. Looking back, Leone never considered himself a people person. He preferred being alone, thinking it was easier to carrying grief by himself than to be burdened with other people. Even after joining Bruno's team, he kept distance between him and the others in a way of self preservation. Losing people was painful, a type of pain that doesn't begin to compare to physical pain, so he preferred isolation. Dying is what made him finally realize how stupid that type of thinking was.
Dying made him realize how lonely and bitter he really was. Dying made him realize just how important the people in his life were.
"It's very hard, all of it is. Even though I appreciate things a lot more now, some days I just feel miserable, mentally and physically," He reached out for Bruno's hand and laced their fingers together, "But you make it all worth it. Being here with you makes it all worth it".
"You make it so worth it," Bruno muttered, tightening his grip on Leone's hand, lip curling slightly and eyes watering.
Bruno was never one to be open about his emotions. He had built firm walls around himself, not allowing anyone past them. He had always been a solid force within the team, making quick decisions in the midst of panic and remaining calm in the face of danger. Bruno was the backbone in a group of kids barely his age. Even while his body was rotting from the inside out, he remained in control of everything around him.
So watching Bruno's walls crumble and finally lose control was heart wrenching.
Bruno let a whimper escape his throat, tears finally spilling down over his cheeks, and Leone stood up and pulled him into a hug, Bruno wrapping his arms around his waist and pressing his face into his stomach. Leone was never good at emotions, his whole life he had simply ignored his grief and pain, but Bruno had always been there, pulling him out of the depths of his depression and showing him a new way to live and move on from the past, always being a backbone. Leone had to at least try.
"I'm sorry," Bruno sobbed.
"You have nothing to apologize for".
"I hate feeling so weak".
"I know, but you spent your whole life being strong, I think it's okay to finally put your guard down".
Bruno heaved another sob, soaking the front of Leone's sweater, and all he could do was wrap his arms around Bruno's shoulders and finally give him a moment to release everything he had stored for over twenty years.
"It's so confusing. I'm so happy yet so miserable. Sometimes I think being dead would be better, then I curse myself for thinking that, because what would I do without you? If I was dead and you were alive, how would that be better?," He sobbed again, tightening his hold on Leone's waist and pressing his head further into his stomach, "For the first time in so long, I feel terrified of absolutely everything".
Bruno continued sobbing, and Leone listened to his ramblings, running his finger tips over his scalp to calm him. Leone at times thought the same thing. The dead should, in all religions and science theories, stay dead. Death does not pity the young and kind hearted, it does not care for grief and life left unlived. Leone and Bruno cheated death, they cheated life, and there will always be parts of them that long for the grave, but Leone didn't give a fuck about life and death. He only cared about his life, Bruno's life, the life gifted by whatever higher power deemed them worthy enough to try one more time.
"I know this isn't easy, this has to be hardest thing any of us have gone through, and we've all changed drastically, and that's hardest part. The physical changes make daily life a struggle, and the mental aspects of it add a thick layer of depression to it. It's not easy, but when have things ever been easy? I don't care about the poetic aspects of life and death, or that we cheated at both. I only care that I'm alive, right now, with you. I'm in pain, but we're in pain together," Leone leaned down and pressed a kiss to the crown of Bruno's head, and prayed, if even for one second, that he lifted a weight of his shoulders and would let Leone carry some of the load.
A small moment of silence followed Leone's statement, Bruno's sobs subsiding to small hiccups. Bruno took one last deep breath and pulled away from him, hands still resting on his waist, and stared up at him. Tears soaked his cheeks, eyes brimmed red from sobbing, deep white scars littered his cheeks and over his nose bridge.
He pushed Bruno's hair out of his face, some defiant strands landing too close to his eyes, and he cupped his face as they looked at each other, eyes full of sorrow and pain and so much love.
"My biggest regret was never telling you how I felt," Leone told him, remembering how it felt in his final moments when he realized he'd never get to tell anyone how he felt, taking all his love and compassion to the grave, "I'm so glad to have had this chance to be with you".
Bruno smiled and stood, leaning in to place a soft kiss on Leone's lips, black lipstick staining his lips. Every ache and pain, every depressing thoughts regarding death evaporated, and the only thing to flood his thoughts was Bruno, and how much love he was allowed to show him now.
A hard lesson they had learned was all good moments must end, and theirs did at the sound of the front door swinging open, loud voices echoing from down the hall.
Leone pulled away from the kiss and scowled, "You've got to be fucking kidding me".
"We're coming in, Abbacchio!," he heard Mista shout.
"Stop barging into my house!," He barked back, irritation laced his voice.
His team came into view, Fugo and Narancia carrying paper bags that seemed to be stuffed with groceries, Trish, Giorno and Mista following behind.
"Ewwwww!," Narancia scrunched his face and pointed at Bruno's lipstick stained face, making him smile in embarrassment and turn around to wipe it off.
"God damn it, this is my damn house, why do you all always insist on coming over here?!".
"They say visiting older relatives is good for them, old people get lonely," Trish deadpanned, watching Leone's brows knit in frustration. Fugo snorted and covered his mouth.
Mista and Narancia laughed, both adding on with their own statements of them being old.
"You idiots drive me insane," Leone mumbled, rubbing his eyes with the tips of his fingers.
Bruno placed both his hands on Leone's wrists and pulled them away from his face, and kissed him once more deeply. Leone for just one moment forgot the group of loud teenagers behind him and kissed him back, smiling into the kiss.
"That's fucking grooooossssss!," Narancia groaned, covering his eyes, Mista and Fugo adding gagging noises.
"Ewww, the old people are making out," Trish added.
Leone flipped them off, Bruno laughing against his lips.
Leone's life had been challenging. Between the grief of losing his partner and all the tragedy that took place last year, it was a struggle to get to where he was now. Peace was subjective, he learned. He was more at peace than he had ever felt, even if his injuries would haunt him for the rest of his life, if his mental scars would always reopen and bleed from time to time, he finally felt ready to deal with it all. Bruno was his motivation, encouraging him since day one to push past all the grit and grime and see the light in life, even if that light is dim. His team, despite being irritating enough to induce a headache, was a blessing. The rowdiness of Fugo, Mista, and Narancia kept his days devoid of stifling silence, Trish and Giorno added a sense of calm that kept him anchored to the ground, and Bruno was a source to pour his once restrained love into and have it all beamed back at him.
Fugo ended up cooking dinner for them, and they all ate together, Leone and Bruno sitting on their ugly couch, Mista asking his usual weird rhetorical questions, and apparently Narancia had five cups of coffee that day, and his energy levels had kept them entertained for hours. Giorno used golden experience to make a few cats, much to Bruno's delight, and Leone thought that maybe a cat would be a nice surprise for Bruno one day as he watched him scratch the chin of a fluffy white cat.
That evening made all the misery of the morning forgotten about, and when Leone looked at Bruno and saw him laughing, smiling wide and head bent back as he cackled at a drunk Mista and energetic Narancia scream at each other over a game of cards, all the misery became so small.
Death would one day finally claim them. When old age finally consumes them, Bruno would have died three times by then, Leone twice. If dying was an art form, they do it exceptionally well, but life had ugly couches and cats. Death could wait a little longer.