Work Text:
Title: Finding Forever
Author: Mawgy
Beta: Mawgy’s Mum
Dedicated to Burning_Nightingale
Rated: R
Genre: AU, angst, drama
Warnings: awkward breast milk scene, m/m relationship, swearing
Pairing: Erestor/Glorfindel
Summary: Erestor questions the strength of his and Glorfindel’s relationship when another tries to tear them apart.
AN: I wasn’t sure what to do/where to go with the request I was given, so hopefully my recipient enjoys what I came up with.
Disclaimer: I own nothing and am making no money from this story… I just like to play with other people’s toys. ;)
“THAT WITCH!” Erestor shouted, slamming the door to his office as he returned to work.
“Erestor?” Elrond queried a moment later, hearing the commotion and appeared at the doorway adjoining their offices.
“Apologies, I did not mean to disturb you,” Erestor said regretfully, trying to force the tension from his limbs and demeanour.
“This disturbance is not unwanted,” Elrond smirked, no doubt a difficult correspondence lay abandoned on his desk. “You are clearly upset about something. Will you not share your burden with me?”
“It’s…personal,” Erestor said with a pained expression; not used to discussing such things with his Lord.
“Then allow me a moment to prepare for this properly,” Elrond spoke as he disappeared back into his office.
Erestor took a few deep steadying breaths as he walked over to his desk and slunk down into his chair, waves of anger and frustration rolling from him.
Elrond re-entered a moment later with two glasses and a heady plum wine. Elrond expertly removed the cork and filled the glasses, handing one to Erestor, whom took it gratefully.
“Now, tell me your troubles,” Elrond insisted as he sat down across the desk from Erestor and began swirling his drink.
Erestor looked deep into the dark red, almost black liquid, hesitating, thinking about how to start the conversation.
“I have never known you to be so animated, uncontrolled, or loose with your tongue,” Elrond started gently.
Erestor nodded, agreeing it was out of character for him.
“Something must have happened to stir you so,” Elrond prompted.
“Not something,” Erestor’s head snapped up, his teeth clenched. “Her.”
“Her,” Elrond repeated, not quite a question.
“She taunts me, makes light of my situation and is sure to express her desire to have what I have!”
“And who is this maiden?” Elrond asked, taking a sip.
“Kaia,” Erestor spat.
Elrond near choked on his mouthful.
“The maiden with three babes?”
“The very same,” Erestor confirmed, his lips curling away from his mouth.
“The she-elf whom recently almost faded from grief?”
Erestor nodded, barely holding back the thought that sought to escape his lips that she should have.
“The one whom recently lost her husband in a skirmish?”
“And seeking to replace him with mine!”
“Erestor,” Elrond admonished, “I have never known you to be so uncharitable. Especially to one whom has lost so much.”
“I can be sympathetic! In fact I have been. And understanding. And patient. I have even helped take care of her children for a week when she was so distraught it was thought she truly would fade. I looked after them whilst the head Healer, her friends, her husband’s friends and Glorfindel brought her back from the brink; keeping them blind to the distress their mother was in,” Erestor spoke emphatically of all the good he had done for this she-elf. He took a drink before continuing. “And slowly she began to come back to herself. She was fortunate not to have lost the baby during this time, and its birth brought her rushing back the rest of the way from the brink, and we all knew then that she would live on. After caring for her two sons, seeing to her needs, giving allowances to her family from Imladris’ coffer, she returns the favour by rubbing my face all the time Glorfindel now spends with her,” Erestor growled and pouted.
Elrond cleared his throat before speaking. It was so unlike Erestor to open up about anything that was not work related, so he knew he would need to tread carefully and take everything said seriously, even if he could not help but see some immature traits peeking out in Erestor’s current behaviour.
“What is it she has said?” Elrond asked kindly.
“She has made certain to always approach me when she sees me watching Glorfindel playing with her children from afar. She makes comments on how much her children love him. How he fills a void left by their father. How patient and loving he is towards them. Then she clarifies that she is referring to the whole family, not just the children. That I must be so generous as to ‘lend’ my lover to another. It is frustrating that she is correct in everything she says, and all I want to do is to put an end to it,” Erestor gritted his teeth in frustration. Elrond watched as Erestor then downed the remainder of his drink before quickly pouring himself another.
“I see,” Elrond responded carefully, unsure of what to say. “If you do not mind my saying, none of that sounds particularly harsh.”
“It is the way she says it!” Erestor screeched. “Her tone, her inflection, the undercurrents of her words, all used to strike at me and emphasise the unsteadiness of my relationship.”
“Would I be correct in assuming that you and she did not interact prior to her husband dying?”
“Yeeees,” Erestor responded slowly, uncertain of Elrond’s meaning.
“Could it be that perhaps she is genuinely thankful and that her ‘tone’ is misunderstood?”
“You above anyone have always praised my ability to read people, their actions, their words, even their silences. I know when I am being toyed with!”
“Perhaps so, though I have never known you to become so enraged. You usually use your intelligence to bring the person to heel.”
“I can see how that would be taken. Erestor, second only to Lord Elrond in Rivendell, using his dry wit and cool detachment and taking aim at a lonely woman, only 2 months past losing her husband, burdened by 3 children, one still suckling at her teat. If anything would be certain to tear our relationship in twain, it would be me reacting thus,” Erestor’s chest rose and fell quickly, rage seeping from him.
Elrond floundered, unused to seeing his usually unflappable friend so agitated.
“What does Glorfindel say to all this?”
“He is blind to it all!” Erestor snapped. “He is out of earshot, playing with the children.”
“Have you spoken to him about your concerns?”
“I have not, but I know what he will say.”
“And what may that be?”
“That he spends time with them as he feels responsible for what happened. That he is there for the children more than he is for Kaia, and so I should not read further into her words. That I should have more faith in our relationship. And blah, blah, blah,” Erestor was turning into a child again. Elrond held back a grin as Erestor sulkily took a sip of wine.
“I cannot know for certain what her reasons are for mentioning any vulnerabilities in your relationship with Glorfindel. All I know is that you stewing about it in your office will not solve anything. At the very least, talking with Glorfindel should ease your mind. You two have been dedicated to one another for many centuries now. Trust in the strength of your relationship and that Glorfindel would never want to see harm come to anyone in Imladris, you especially, whether it be physically or emotionally,” Elrond stood as he spoke, his tone gentle and reassuring. Elrond walked slowly around the desk as he continued talking. “Even if he says what you believe he will say, then at least take comfort in hearing the words coming directly from him and hear the truth in them. All will be well. Trust in your partner, the history between you two and the strength of your love. Trust Erestor. That is the key. You may not be able to put Kaia’s words or meanings from your mind, but you can dismiss them knowing that you and Glorfindel can weather any storm,” Elrond laid a kind hand upon Erestor’s shoulder, supporting his friend.
“Thank you Elrond,” Erestor whispered, squeezing the hand.
“Would you like me to leave the bottle?”
“No, you had better take it,” Erestor responded, re-corking the bottle and handing it to Elrond.
~*~*~*~*~
“How was your day?” Erestor asked as Glorfindel entered the chambers.
“My day? Oh, it was fine. It was mostly spent with Silinde’s sons. I thought I would start teaching them how to sword-fight since their father no longer can,” Glorfindel fell silent, his words inadvertently affecting him.
“That is a wonderful idea,” Erestor said calmly, standing from where he was seated on the window seat and moved over to Glorfindel. Erestor placed a hand on Glorfindel’s cheek and kissed his golden-haired lover gently. “I fear it is becoming the norm for all elflings to learn how to protect themselves. Though if it must be done, then why not with a proper instructor?”
Glorfindel’s eyes glazed over at the choice of Erestor’s words. He dropped his arms that had started to enclose around Erestor’s body and broke away, moving towards the bathing chamber.
Erestor mentally kicked himself for not being more careful with his choice of words, but continued nonetheless.
“I wonder though, if it would be more prudent to teach all elflings at once, in a class?” Erestor leaned upon the doorframe, watching Glorfindel wash his face.
“There are already classes for that purpose.”
“Then why not enter the boys into that class?” Erestor asked.
“Their father would have taught them personally,” Glorfindel answered, “and in his stead, so will I.”
Erestor stepped carefully inside the small room, and again placed one hand against Glorfindel’s face, the other arm supportively curled around the warrior’s waist.
“It was not your fault,” he said gently but firmly.
“I am responsible for my men; for their lives, and by extension, for their families. Regardless of anything you or anyone else says; I will never shed this doubt that I may have been able to do more until I see Silinde and his family reunited once more.”
Erestor paused and let this information sink in. He nodded in understanding.
“Besides,” Glorfindel said, as he moved out of the washroom to prepare for dinner, “I love spending time with them.”
Whatever reassurances Erestor had been feeling fled, and his heart sank.
“You certainly love children,” he said, keeping his back turned.
“They are great. So rejuvenating to be around.”
“And they love you.”
“Well, can you blame them?” Glorfindel grinned.
“No I cannot. In fact, I understand it all too well,” Erestor said, turning and walked over to a bare-chested Glorfindel. “For I love you, too,” Erestor breathed, coming in for a deep kiss, hoping the tears welling in his eyes would speak of how deep his love was for Glorfindel, and not for the doubt he felt in his heart.
Glorfindel allowed it for a moment before pulling away.
“Do you love me more than children do?” He asked seriously.
“Oh so much more, and in all kinds of other ways,” Erestor teased.
“Good,” Glorfindel quipped and kissed Erestor once more before continuing to change for dinner.
~*~*~*~*~
“Master Erestor, how lovely to see you here again,” Kaia said sweetly as she sat down on the bench next to the advisor, the baby resting in a blanket in her arms. “Watching Lord Glorfindel again?”
“Yes,” Erestor offered. Just past the bench where Erestor sat the flat, manicured gardens fell away on a gentle hill of luscious green grass. It was here that Glorfindel was currently teaching the Kaia’s boys how to parry and thrust with wooden swords.
“Lord Elrond must be a generous superior, to give you so much time off.”
“Provided all work is up to date, he cares not for official works hours or minimal time spent at work. And as it is, I am currently ahead of schedule. Glorfindel on the other hand, I have found, is starting to fall behind in his own duties.”
“Are you here then to take Lord Glorfindel away? Back to a stuffy office to sit hunched over a desk for many hours?”
“Not at all. I am not responsible for his work. Lord Elrond can handle the situation should it become troublesome.”
“Excellent,” Kaia beamed, clearly not hearing the intended warning in Erestor’s words. ‘I would hate for him to be dragged away so soon. The children love him. He really has been a boon to this family.” Kaia smiled, and hugged the baby to her in an exaggerated way.
“He is very giving with his time,” Erestor agreed.
“Not just his time!” Kaia gushed. “His skills, and handiwork, and caring nature. Kayal has even taken to calling Glorfindel ‘uncle’!” she laughed.
Erestor smiled obligingly, though the merry mood did not reach his eyes.
Silence fell between them as they continued to watch Glorfindel with the boys.
“‘Tis a pity Glorfindel never had children,” Kaia started after a few minutes. “He is very good with them.”
“There is still time,” Erestor countered.
Erestor saw Kaia look at him questioning out of the corner of her eye.
“But as he is married to you,” Kaia left her words hanging as she watched Erestor’s reaction. Erestor’s form stiffened and he inhaled deeply. “Oh, that is right, you have not wed,” she said almost coyly.
“Not yet,” Erestor corrected.
“Not even bound?” she enquired.
Erestor remained silent.
“Well, you cannot say you have not had the time, I daresay you have been a couple for four centuries already!” Kaia teased.
“Five. Practically.”
“That is even worse!” she laughed, seemingly good-naturedly. “Still, makes me wonder why he has not asked you yet! Or you him! I imagine in a relationship with two men it would be less of a taboo for the submissive one to ask the other to marry them.”
Erestor barely had a moment to open his mouth before Kaia continued.
“Of course, Silinde practically begged me to marry him. I am grateful he didn’t press me to bond with him; though do not think that he did not ask me! Worshipped me, he did! Not that I thought he did, but my friends pointed it out to me, and on that day I gave in to his advances and agreed to wed. Oh, but there were still other options available to me then. I suppose having young children will severely limit- well, they fill my life now,” Kaia hastily finished.
“It looks as though the session is over for the day,” Erestor changed the subject, watching Glorfindel collect the swords and start up the slight incline towards Kaia and himself.
“That is a pity, I do enjoy our little talks, Master Erestor. And it is such a lovely day. One wonders why we did not picnic as well,” Kaia said loud enough for the boys to hear once in earshot.
“A picnic? Can we?” one of the boys exclaimed.
“Maybe another day,” Kaia answered, “provided Glorfindel is available.”
“Anytime for you,” Glorfindel answered sweetly.
The boys rejoiced at this and squealed excitedly.
“For now, though, I’m afraid I must tend to my work,” Glorfindel lamented.
“Boys, what do you say to Glorfindel for helping you today?”
“Thank you uncle Glorfindel,” Kayal said.
“Thank you Adar,” the younger boy said and instantly hugged Glorfindel tight. Kaia inhaled sharply, a look of alarm on her face, though Erestor saw a smile hiding behind the hand she put up to her face.
“Now Silca,” Glorfindel pulled the boy from his waist and held him at arm’s length as Glorfindel crouched before the boy. “I am not your Adar, and it would be a dishonour to your Adar’s memory to think that anyone could replace him. He was a wonderful elf and died helping to protect you, your mother and siblings, and all of Imladris. No one can ever replace him and no elf who knew him would ever want to. I know you are yet still so young, but I want you to hold tight to your thoughts of him until the day you are reunited in Aman. Can you do that?”
“Yes Glorfindel,” the young boy said, looking very ashamed.
“Very good,” Glorfindel said with a kind smile and hugged the boy to him for a moment.
“But naneth said-”
“Come boys, I feel we have taken up enough of Glorfindel’s time today,” Kaia interrupted quickly. “Let us return home and start preparing dinner. Goodnight my lords.” Kaia whisked her children away.
Glorfindel sighed, worn out from the time spent with the two young boys, each of whom had endless energy. Glorfindel acknowledged Erestor as he slumped onto the bench next to his lover and groaned. Glorfindel leaned to the side, his upper body weight shifting onto Erestor and rested his head on the Councillor’s shoulder.
“Are you here to offer to help me with my duties?” he asked sweetly.
Erestor pushed down any unkind thought that Glorfindel had yet to offer any form of greeting or kind word to him.
“It is your fault, by way of your own good-nature, that you are behind in your work. I do not see why I should suffer due to your own shortcomings,” Erestor said in a teasing tone.
Glorfindel offered no immediate response other than to groan loudly.
“I thought you loved me,” Glorfindel sulked.
“You know I do,” Erestor leaned his head onto Glorfindel’s.
“Then why will you not assist me?”
“What do I receive for my assistance?”
“I suppose a new quill?”
“A quill? I have more than enough quills.”
“Oh, but this will be a fancy quill,” Glorfindel specified.
“Fancier than the white peacock feather you gave me for my last begetting day?”
“Ah.” Glorfindel pondered for a moment. “How about a bottle of wine?”
“Imladris does not have enough?”
“Does Imladris have a bottle stolen from King Thranduil’s personal stores?”
“You haven’t?”
“I have not,” Glorfindel confirmed. “But it is about time I visit the Greenwood again. So I could.”
“You will not leave the forest alive if you even tried.”
“Very well. What would you like then?”
“Hmmm, well, for every hour I assist you with your work, you need to repay the time twofold, spent loving me.”
Glorfindel stretched his forehead as he moved his head to look up into Erestor’s dark eyes.
“That hardly seems like much of a punishment for me,” Glorfindel said cautiously, knowing Erestor was an elf that bargained for the best deal frequently, whether in his professional capacity or not.
“Then you should be grateful I do love you,” Erestor replied, kissing Glorfindel’s forehead.
“Grateful indeed,” Glorfindel agreed. “In fact, I may be feeling so grateful, that I feel you deserve an advance.” Glorfindel moved with the grace of a cat to turn on the bench and lift himself up a little, towering over his lithe lover, before leaning over Erestor all the more, forcing Erestor into a half lying position. Glorfindel caught those luscious lips in a heated kiss.
“I thought you were tired from your day with the children?” Erestor asked once his mouth was relinquished. Only after years of experiencing Erestor’s knack for asking awkward questions at inopportune times was Glorfindel able to stop himself from rolling his eyes.
“You invigorate me. Can you not feel how much so?” Glorfindel asked; pressing his hardening shaft into Erestor’s hip.
“Work first, play later,” Erestor said firmly.
“Tasting the delights to come will motivate me to work all the harder when the time comes,” Glorfindel pouted.
“I will not reward you prior to you putting in effort to clear your workload.”
Glorfindel groaned and hung his head.
“Come, the sooner we start the sooner we can move on to more pleasurable pursuits,” Erestor pushed Glorfindel back and stood up. Without looking back to ensure he was being followed, Erestor started towards Glorfindel’s office.
~*~*~*~*~
“Urgh!” Erestor made a most un-elf-like sound as he entered the private quarters, stretching out his shoulders and back. “Twenty hours. TWENTY HOURS! Between two of us! How could you become so lax with your work?” Erestor asked accusingly of his lover.
“There were fun things distracting me,” Glorfindel explained.
“If your workload ever gets so out of control again, do not expect me to offer my assistance next time,” Erestor warned.
“Well, at least it is all done and we can continue on with other activities,” Glorfindel said, snaking his arms around Erestor’s body and pulling the councillor’s body tight against his. Glorfindel nuzzled Erestor’s neck and began placing kisses along the column of white skin.
“Your suggestion does sound tempting,” Erestor said, pushing away, “though right now I need rest before attending to my own work.”
“But, our agreement,” Glorfindel lamely said.
“The agreement can be repaid later. Besides, are you really capable of a forty hour love-making session right now?” Erestor removed his outer robe.
“We have done it before.”
Erestor laughed, pulling a thin shirt over his head.
“Our much younger selves may have. The current me, however, does not have the energy to even try.”
Glorfindel approached Erestor as he was bending down to remove his shoes and stopped the motion with a hand around Erestor’s upper arm. Glorfindel leaned down and kissed Erestor gently, lovingly, chastely. He then dropped to his knees before his lover and carefully lifted one leg to allow him to remove the footwear. Erestor rested a hand upon Glorfindel’s shoulder for balance as first one shoe, and then the other was removed. Glorfindel then slid the leggings down the creamy slim legs, followed by the undergarments next. As Glorfindel rose from the floor, he placed a line of small kisses trailing from Erestor’s hip up to his cheek.
“I love you,” Glorfindel professed and kissed Erestor deeply. His hands encircled Erestor to grasp the end of his lover’s long single braid and pulled the ribbon keeping it fastened. While his mouth was busy with a slow kiss, his fingers deftly ran through Erestor’s hair, liberating the strands from their woven prison. Only once the pure black hair ran freely down his lover’s back did Glorfindel end the kiss. Grasping a hand, Glorfindel led Erestor over to the large bed and pulled back the quilt for Erestor crawl into.
Erestor obediently crawled upon the bed and lay down, looking at Glorfindel expectantly, waiting for his love to join him.
“I wonder if I could start repaying the debt I owe with a massage as you fall asleep?” Glorfindel offered.
“That would be delightful right now,” Erestor smiled tiredly.
“Then rest while I prepare some oils,” Glorfindel kissed Erestor’s cheek and went to collect what he needed.
~*~*~*~*~
“If we receive any more I may need to fund an orphanage,” Erestor overheard Elrond speaking to a small circle of people as he was walking to his office. If there was talk of the Imladris treasury, Erestor’s knowledge may be required, so Erestor slowed his pace and changed his direction to meet with the group, one of which happened to be his very own lover. As Erestor approached the group, one person shifted aside, so Erestor may join the ring and saw Elrond holding a baby, no more than a month old.
There was always a joyous feeling when an elfling is born. And currently there were many in Imladris. Though the circumstances in which some came to be in the valley were very unfortunate indeed. Mostly their parents had been killed in Orc raids, warg attacks, or separated on their journeys. The latter usually had a good outcome, with several parents and babies reuniting here in Imladris. Still, it was sad indeed that any separations had occurred.
“Where was this little one found?” Elrond asked.
“On the banks of the bruinen,” Glorfindel replied. “My men and I heard the crying and followed the sound until we found her. She was in a basket on a makeshift miniature raft. Whoever set her on her course wanted her safe and far away from the area as quickly as possible,” Glorfindel surmised.
“Indeed. Did you keep her belongings? Any sign of who she may belong to in the basket?”
“No sign of who her parents may be, though there were extra sets of clothes and some jewels.”
“Jewels?” Elrond asked.
“I imagine as repayment for anyone who finds her, or maybe the parents noticed robbers following along behind and so hid them. It is hard to understand the intentions, only that these items were also in the basket. All of which we have kept,” Glorfindel confirmed.
Elrond nodded and looked as the baby.
“Well, we had best find someone to care for you, yes we will!” he said in a baby-ish tone.
“We can.”
Erestor found six faces suddenly looking his way. He responded by looking just as confused as they did. It took a few moments for him to register that he was the one to offer his services to care for the baby. Well, his and Glorfindel’s services.
Steeling himself, he repeated his offer.
“I would be willing to do my part to care for this little one,” Erestor said, moving closer to Elrond, reaching a hand out to cup the baby’s head.
“You?” Elrond asked sceptically, unsure of the genuineness of his offer and the motivations behind it. Erestor had a reputation for not being the friendliest of elves when it came to children.
“I wouldn’t be alone in raising the child,” Erestor said with no small amount of certainty.
“Aaaah, could you please excuse us for a moment,” Glorfindel chimed in. Erestor felt a hand around his upper arm and shortly after a gentle tug leading him away from the group.
Glorfindel walked to the far side of the corridor, out of earshot of the others. The conversation started with an incredulous look from Glorfindel piercing down at Erestor.
“Is something wrong?” Erestor asked innocently.
Glorfindel had to fight the urge to roll his eyes.
“You mean aside from you offering our services to care for a baby?”
Erestor looked confused.
“Why would that be a bother?”
“For one, you making a life-changing decision without consulting me first,” Glorfindel barely held himself back from screeching.
“Very well, that was wrong of me. I just thought that we have the space, we have the means, why not share our good fortunes with someone who needs it?”
“Children need more than that. Mostly they need time. Do your duties allow for the necessary time a child would require?”
“Elrond has often offered to delegate some of my duties to others. Previously there has been no need to do so as I am capable of maintaining everything. If we were to care for the child, I would gladly take up Elrond’s proposal for a few decades.”
“You would relinquish part of your career to care for a baby?”
“Only for a short amount of time. I would still be doing most of my duties. And you could arrange for a similar solution.”
Glorfindel responded by staring harshly at Erestor.
“Temporarily,” Erestor emphasised. “You do not like creating rosters, so someone else could take care of that duty. And duties maintaining weapons, weapon stock, and budget for the armed forces, others could assist with, all while you still have final say. But they could advise you on the current situation and offer their opinion,” Erestor said almost desperately, trying to convince Glorfindel.
“I refuse,” Glorfindel said sharply.
“But you love children, I did not think you would mind.”
Glorfindel looked lost for a moment.
“Have you never wanted a child?” Erestor pressed.
Glorfindel sighed, not certain what Erestor would want to hear.
“I do love children, and I cannot deny that in my younger days I had thought children would be in my future.”
“I see,” Erestor said numbly. “But I cannot give you any.”
“You know what I love most about children nowadays?” Glorfindel asked.
“Their innocence?”
“Handing them back to their parents.”
Erestor looked startled at this.
“I get to run around and play with them. And when they are worn out and ready for rest, I take them home and say ‘your turn.’ Bathing, getting them to bed, dressing, healing cut and bruises, I know nothing of these. And I especially know nothing of babies as young as this one. The crying we heard on patrol was bad enough, but in the quarters? Her screech would bounce off every wall, echo into our heads a hundred fold and drive us crazy within a month!” Glorfindel said strongly.
“I apologise. I just thought it would be nice to be a family.”
“Are we not a family?”
“One might argue that a couple does not a family make, especially a couple that is neither bound nor married.”
“What are you talking about? Why would being married make a difference?” Glorfindel huffed.
“I would think it was the ties that bind people together that make them a family. Marriage, binding, children, generations, blood, all components found in other families.”
“I always believed it is emotions and especially love that ties people together, everything else is a construct designed to make it harder for individuals to break free of people they would rather not be attached to.”
Erestor thought carefully before asking his next question.
“When you first arrived in Imladris, before pursuing me I know you had many lovers, a fair few being female. Had you fallen in love with one of them, do you think you would have had children with her?”
Glorfindel looked confused, unsure why Erestor was asking this.
“Every relationship is different,” he answered cautiously. “I cannot say one way or the other.”
“And yet now there is the opportunity for us to share our lives with another and you refuse outright.”
“Because I do not want a child. And that is not to say I do not want a child *with you*, it is just that I do not want anyone in my life that I must be responsible for, that I would be bound to seeing to its needs, caring for them, worrying for them, it is too much of a constraint on my life to even consider it.”
“I see,” Erestor said, as stone-faced as possible. “I will tell Elrond.”
“Erestor…” Glorfindel said softly, reaching out to his lover, but Erestor had already moved away.
~*~*~*~*~
“I love Glorfindel,” Erestor said while leaning against the railing of the balcony, looking over the valley and watching Glorfindel returning from a picnic with a certain family. “I love everything about him. There is nothing that I would change. I love his generosity, and his devotion. I love that he feels so responsible for an incident which was not his fault that he feels the need to try and fill the void left in that family. I love that he is so giving with his time that he will let other things fall by the wayside. I love that he is so patient and understanding with people that even if they are being cruel to his face he realises there are underlying issues with that person and so he never takes their comments to heart. I love all of this. I love him. And I know, no matter what, I know that he loves me.”
“Do you really believe he will leave you?” Elrond asked.
“No. He will not leave me. Especially for the wife of one of his men.”
“Then why are you so troubled these days?”
“Because her words distress me. Not in the way she intends, but they do nonetheless. There have been things in our relationship for many years that I have pondered upon, but whenever I bring them up Glorfindel shrugs them off as though they are nothing, and so I try to forget them too. I bury them deep where they lurk. And now, for an outsider to bring these up, it angers me all that more that these are so obvious to everyone except Glorfindel. And I love that Glorfindel does not dwell upon things as much as I. It’s just one thing for me to feel our relationship is odd, it another for it to be pointed out to me by a stranger.”
Elrond looked lost, unsure of what to say.
“The harvest negotiations with the Grey Havens are almost ready for delivery,” Erestor changed the subject. “I would like to deliver it when the time comes.”
“Our relations with the Grey Havens are in good stead. I would hate for them to think I am trying to intimidate them by sending you,” Elrond half joked.
“All the better that I do go then. If you allow the other realms to think I am only used during difficult meetings, they will always expect me to overawe and will be on the defensive from the start. Let them think I handle all treaties.”
Elrond remained silent a moment.
“I believe the only way your tumultuous emotions will calm is by talking with your partner, Erestor.”
“I know. Just a little time away to myself. That is all I ask. To clear my head, away from people who seek a rise from me.”
“Very well.”
“Thank you.”
Erestor was silent for a time, a crease furrowing his brow as he continued to watch his lover from afar.
“I do not understand how one can almost fade from grief only a few months ago to pursuing another.”
“Well,” Elrond started, but stopped himself from speaking further.
“What is it?” Erestor asked, turning form the scene before him.
Elrond took a deep breath.
“I cannot speak of my patients. All I can say is if you recall any of the symptoms shown by any recent elves diagnosed to be fading, it may be worthwhile referencing them with known symptoms of fading,” Elrond said not so cryptically.
“I see,” Erestor set his mouth and turned away, this time looking to the west.
~*~*~*~*~
“Come on boys, I will race you home!” Glorfindel challenged and started running across the field that led to the path that would take them to the small cottage where Kaia would be awaiting their return. Glorfindel ran as fast as he could, which usually would have out-sped the children easily. On this day, however, he was burdened with many wooden swords, shield, bows, a blanket, leftover food and a knapsack, so as it was, he was just nipping at the boys’ feet as they ran as fast as their little legs could carry them.
The soft grass beneath their feet soon turned to dust being kicked up on the path as they sped past a row of small houses.
“WE WON!” Silca cried in jubilation, though mostly out of breath as he and his brother reached the doorframe near the same time.
“Well done!” Glorfindel cheered. “Here, take your weapons and hang them up, then I imagine your mother wants you to wash up before dinner. Off you go.”
“Thank you Glorfindel,” they said in unison and then trod into the house together.
Glorfindel moved inside the house to return the blanket and remaining food to the kitchen but he didn’t get far.
“Excuse me,” he Glorfindel cried, turning away as he spotted Kaia sitting at the kitchen table, the baby suckling from one breast while the other hung loose, exposed.
“Nonsense, Glorfindel,” Kaia dismissed. “I am only doing what comes natural. Please, come in.”
“I am returning the goods you gave me this morning,” Glorfindel said, removing the items from the bag and placing them on the far end of the table, all while slightly turned from Kaia, averting his eyes.
“Awww, are you finished eating, little one? But my breasts are so full of milk still. Won’t you try partaking of this one?” Kaia asked of her child, rotating the baby’s mouth to her other nipple. “No? You are satisfied. A shame, my breasts feel like they might burst!”
“Anyway, I shall just leave these here. I will call upon you in a few days,” Glorfindel awkwardly said, trying to escape.
“It has been this way with all of my babies. I produce more milk than they can drink,” Kaia continued on, not hearing, or pretending not to hear, Glorfindel’s words of departure. “Often my milk has spilled of its own accord, ruining a great many dresses,” she laughed. Kaia stood, still breasts exposed and placed the baby in a cradle nearby. “Silinde used to drink of me. He would see my suffering and offer his own mouth upon my breast to ease my misery. Do you see?” Kaia asked, approaching the might warrior cowering in the kitchen corner. Glorfindel was frozen in place, wanting to leave, but never one to be so rude as to walk out on a lady. So unsure of what was happening. Kaia grasped her breast and squeezed gently, white liquid instantly dribbling out the red nipple. “I wonder if I might seek your assistance in this matter, Lord Glorfindel?”
“Excuse me?” Glorfindel was startled, and still deliberately looking away.
“I do ache so,” Kaia said. “Will you not drink of me?” she whispered, leaning in close, her exposed breasts brushing against Glorfindel’s body.
“What?”
“Drink my milk,” she repeated, this time leaning up as she spoke so the words were spoken straight into Glorfindel’s ear.
“But, Silinde! Erestor!” Glorfindel was flabbergasted.
“Silinde will understand. He knows how difficult the first two babies were on my breasts. You are doing me a service. Though I am unsure why you are thinking of Erestor given he has sailed for the Undying Lands.”
“What?” Glorfindel screeched, whirling around to face Silinde completely now, his eyes wide.
“Erestor left for the Grey Havens.”
“To broker a trade agreement. It is taking longer than original considered.”
“Then why has Melpomaen returned? Why is he not continuing with the negotiations as well?”
“I-” Glorfindel floundered. “He- Melpomaen has returned?”
“You truly did not know? I thought you two had ended your relationship. Or perhaps he just did not have the courtesy to tell you. But there is no need to fret, I am here,” Kaia said seductively, taking Glorfindel’s hand in hers and slowly brought it up to her breast as she spoke. “Together we can be happy.”
The moment his hand met flesh Glorfindel wrenched his arm away and stomped out of the house.
“You shame the memory of Silinde with your actions, wench!” Glorfindel shouted as he exited, uncaring of any whom heard him.
Outside he broke into a run and reached the main house far quicker than he had ever previously before. His heart was pounding and his chest rising rapidly, his legs felt like lead, but he cared not as he marched down the corridors and stumbled upon the very elf Kaia mentioned moments ago.
“MEL!” Glorfindel rasped, his lungs still overwhelmed from his run.
“Lord Glorfindel,” Melpomaen smiled. “You seem a little puffed,” he said politely.
“You are back,” Glorfindel said in a short burst.
“Yes, the negotiations went as smoothly as predicted and only took two days to iron-”
“When did you get back?” Glorfindel interrupted.
“Last night. I could have been back sooner howe-”
“Where is Erestor?” Glorfindel demanded.
Melpomaen looked shocked at Glorfindel’s abrasiveness.
“He did not return with me. As I was trying-”
“Did he go somewhere else? With anyone else?” Glorfindel asked frantically, his hands unwittingly grasping the front of Melpomaen’s robes and holding the councillor in place.
“Lord Glorfindel you are scaring me,” Melpomaen answered honestly, innocently.
“Forgive me,” Glorfindel said and relaxed his arms and hands, releasing Melpomaen. “I just… I don’t… Is he sailing? Did he say anything to you?” There was desperation in his voice and worry written all over his face.
“Upon leaving Imladris Lord Elrond strongly suggested I take advantage of this journey and stay in the Grey Havens for several weeks. However once the meetings were over I was eager to return to Lindir, and so I came back. I tried to seek out Erestor to ask when he might be returning, and though his appointed room was right next to mine he was never found to be in them after the negotiations came to a close. And so after waiting three days, I journeyed back on my own; the road between the Grey Havens and here being very safe, as I am certain you are aware, else we would have had a guard escort with us on the way there.”
“You could not find him? He could be anywhere. Anywhere but here,” tears started to well in Glorfindel’s eyes as the possibility of his love never returning to his arms began to sink in.
“I did not look very hard. He may yet be there,” Melpomaen tried to reassure. “He did not say anything about staying longer to you?”
“I have to go.”
“Yes, you go think it over, relax with a nice bath and-” Melpomaen attempt to calm Glorfindel and rubbed his arm gently.
“No, I must leave Imladris at once,” Glorfindel declared and started to run towards the stables.
“What of supplies? And Lord Elrond? And shelter?” Melpomaen called after him.
“Yes, let Elrond know!” Glorfindel called back but did not slow down.
~*~*~*~*~*~
“Lord Glorfindel! What an unexpected, but not unwelcome surprise!” Lord Cirdan said warmly, pretending not to notice the smell.
“Thank you, this realm holds a special place in my heart as it was where my journey from across the sea ended and my travels on land began,” Glorfindel responded remembering his manners. “However I have come to seek Erestor. Is he here? He has not sailed has he? When was the last ship? When is the next?” Glorfindel dropped any semblance of etiquette and allowed his frazzled nerves to show and the real reason for his visit to be known.
“Well, the last ship to leave these shores was six months ago,” Cridan said, to which Glorfindel let out a loud sigh of relief. “And the next is in another six months.” Glorfindel almost cried with happiness upon hearing this. His worst fears had not come to pass. Erestor was still on these shores, and for as long as that was true, there was still hope. “Master Erestor is still among our number, but mostly he seeks solitude and keeps to himself. He seems to be quite pensive about something.”
“Do you know where I might find him?” Glorfindel pleaded.
“He has been seen upon the cliffs,” Cirdan pointed far above the main settlement, “mostly near to the small growth of trees. It is a beautiful spot but hard to- Glorfindel where are you going?” Cirdan cried in surprise as Glorfindel suddenly took off.
“I must see him!” Glorfindel answered and ran to Asfaloth.
“Your horse is exhausted!” Cirdan bellowed with all the might of a leader of his people. “No doubt riding him day and night as hard as possible until you arrive here in record time. So eager to see your lover that you will not take any rest or sustenance or change of clothes beforehand. Instead you will come upon him in a mad state, the dirt of the road still upon your clothes and your hair in wild abandon. If that is how you wish to greet him after only a few weeks apart then take my horse. I am sure he will be grateful for the exercise. But if you see sense in what I say and wish to freshen up first, then by all means, follow me.”
“I appreciate the suggestion, but I must see him. Please take care of Asfaloth,” Glorfindel called as he ran towards a dappled grey horse grazing in a nearby field he knew to be Cirdan’s and jumped upon it. The horse was so startled that it reared, but Glorfindel was an expert rider and soon had the horse under control and heading up a steep path leading towards the cliffs. This horse was far slower than Asfaloth, even in his wearied state, and even this minor delay annoying him more than he was willing to admit.
Glorfindel slowed as the trees came into view. Not wanting to alert his lover to his presence just yet, he pulled the horse to a stop and leapt from her back and continued forwards on foot, the soft grass masking his approach. As Glorfindel approached the tree line, two trees standing separate from the others caught his attention. They stood a few metres apart from one another and a fair way back from the cliff’s edge. The main reason they caught his attention was due to a sheet wrapped around either trunk to create a swinging bed-like shape. The figure of a person could be made out from between the folds of the sheet and the black hair swirling all around in the breeze told Glorfindel this was definitely Erestor. Glorfindel sighed in relief at finding Erestor so easily and made his way towards him.
Peering over the edge of the hanging sheet, Glorfindel saw Erestor lying on his side facing towards the beautiful scene of the cliff and gulf beyond. Though Erestor saw none of the sights, his eyes clearly blank, the state that every elf sports when in slumber. A book lay upon his chest and his right hand was curled around it. Glorfindel thought his lover had never looked so relaxed.
Erestor jolted into wakefulness as the feeling of falling came over him and his makeshift bed wobbled. Feeling a presence behind him, he made to sit up and turn to face this newcomer, but an arm reaching over his chest, securing his arms in place and a leg wrapping around his lower half kept him from moving.
“Apologies, it looked so comfortable,” Glorfindel said by way of an explanation.
“Glorfindel?” Erestor asked, shocked that his lover would be here.
“Aye, it is I. Are you not happy to see me?”
“As you have secured me in place from behind, I have hardly seen you yet.”
“I cannot imagine a better view for myself right now. My lover’s visage before me, the green grass wafting in the salty sea breeze, the blueness of the sky, and the greying cliffs bordering the green water. It is all so beautiful. I am glad we could see this together.”
“Glorfindel,” Erestor began softly.
“Before I woke you, I did think I had never seen you looking to restful.”
“This is a place of peace and tranquillity. Everything that is not naturally here is deliberately created in a grey colour. One, to match the colour of the cliffs, secondly to enhance the natural beauty of the area, and thirdly, most importantly, to bring a sense of peace to all those leaving these shores. This is the last realm the elves will ever view on Middle Earth upon travelling to the Undying Lands. The colour is to calm people, let them rest and forget their troubles in this place of placid tones. To relinquish any burden found upon this land before leaving it forever. It’s a beautiful concept, and I believe one that works well. I have not seen the Undying Lands, but I imagine its beauty will be all the more astonishing if the last memories of these shores are of an insipid atmosphere.”
Glorfindel nodded.
“I believe you are correct, for I remember being quite underwhelmed when arriving from across the sea. If the opposite can be found upon arrival, then surely it is true when leaving.”
“Did you receive my letter?”
“The one which suggested the meeting had not gone as planned and that you would require more time in which to complete the negotiations. Yes, I received that letter. I would not have questioned it had Melpomaen not returned to Imladris.”
“Ah.”
“Is that all you have to say?”
“Sorry for lying to you.”
“Why did you?”
“I wanted some time away. Just to myself. I was not sure how to tell you this, so under the rouse of work, I slipped away and extended my stay.”
“You wanted time away from me?”
“I wanted time away from our environment. To clear my head of any distractions and determine what I want before returning to discuss matters with you.”
“Which matters?”
“Our relationship.”
“I love you,” Glorfindel declared emphatically. “For as long as that is true, what else matters?”
“Namely, your hesitance to form a lasting bond with me. It speaks to me of uncertainty in our future. That you do not believe in the truth of your love, or that you question the everlastingness of my feelings,” Erestor’s voice wavered at the end. As much as he wanted to see Glorfindel’s face at this time, he was also thankful Glorfindel could not see how much this line of thought pained him. “I asked you once if you would marry me. Your response was that if it is right for us to marry, then it will just happen. But nothing so important ‘just happens’. People have to want it. They have to know themselves and their partner well enough to promise and plan and carry out their shared desires. Whether it is a big celebration or not, it is still a decision that needs to be made, not fate chancing two people into a marriage.
“And not even marriage. There has been more than one occasion when I have felt my soul reach out to yours during our love-making. I have let the hazy light wash over me and bathed in the surety of my feelings for you that I would bind to you right there and then. No pre-emptive decisions, no discussion about it, just being so in the moment of the connection of our love that I would bind with you forever. But each time that happened, you are the one that pulled away. I never knew if you just could not feel my heart reaching out, or if you were actively rejecting me. And I love you too much to find which as I feared that either answer would call the end of our relationship, and that was not something I was willing to give up. So I stayed silent, but I fear I no longer can. This uncertainty is eating me up and I wish to be rid of it!” Erestor was near sobbing by the end of his outpouring. Glorfindel felt the huffing of Erestor’s lungs through his chest where they were connected tightly.
Glorfindel released his constricting hold and sat up on one elbow, looking down upon Erestor, whom he eased over onto his back. The despondent look in Erestor’s eyes haunted him, as did the tears running down the porcelain skin to disappear into black hair.
“I never said this before, as I felt it would be the cause of the end of our relationship, but now I see NOT saying it could be just as devastating,” Glorfindel took in a deep breath, steadying himself, “I do not wish to marry you.”
Erestor felt his heart break and a large cry left his lips.
“But it is not only that I do not wish to marry you, it is that I do not wish to marry anyone, especially you,” Glorfindel tried to explain.
Erestor closed his eyes and turned away, Glorfindel’s words driving a stake right through to his very core.
“The reason I had a string of lovers prior to you, was because I did not wish to be tied down to any one person. I did not wish to become emotionally attached or to even come to love anyone.”
“Is this supposed to make me feel better?” Erestor wept.
“And then I met you. I only wanted a little fun. Someone to warm my bed at night and keep away the loneliness. But then I feel in love with you, and I knew I couldn’t let you go, no matter how much I knew it would be for the best if I did.”
“The best for whom?”
“For you.”
“I do not understand,” Erestor begged, his tears running freely.
“I died, Erestor. I failed to keep my city safe and I paid for it with my very life. My biggest fear is that I will fail again. Every soldier I lose is another step towards that fear becoming reality. And above all, any lover I choose to have, through any bond we created between us, would follow me into the darkness. I could not stand being the reason for your death,” Glorfindel spoke genuinely, his eyes piercing into Erestor’s. Tears born of dread escaped his blue eyes and dripped onto Erestor.
Erestor’s sobbing slowed and his face hardened. Glorfindel barely had a moment to notice the change before he was struck hard across the face.
“You fucking jackass!” Erestor shouted, raising himself on his elbows to look Glorfindel squarely in the eyes. “You think that because we are not bound or married that I would not fade when you die? I recognise you as the other half of my soul! Without you there is no need for me to live, whether you will it otherwise or not!”
Glorfindel looked at Erestor in astonishment at the rapid change in demeanour and tried to take in what was said.
“But, Kaia did not-”
“DO NOT mention that tart to me!” Erestor warned.
“She did not fade-”
“She was never fading! A selfish harlot like her has never loved anyone enough to care whether they lived or died, let alone would have followed them to the Halls. You think that she did not fade because she and Silinde weren’t bound?”
Glorfindel nodded dumbly.
“Then you are a fool, and doubly insulting for thinking that she and I are anything alike,” Erestor spat.
Glorfindel had no response to this tirade and looked at his lover questioningly, unsure how to continue. Erestor’s countenance softened at Glorfindel’s confused look. Erestor raised a hand to Glorfindel cheek and wiped away a tear with his thumb.
“I love you. You said yourself it is love that binds people together, so please believe me that whether bound or married or neither, I know I love you. Nothing will keep me from you, neither life nor death. Where you go I will follow,” Erestor spoke quietly, letting his words sink in.
“I love you too,” Glorfindel answered.
“I want to be with you forever.”
“I wish for that also.”
Erestor smile was blinding.
“I suppose we should make it official and wed then,” Glorfindel presumed.
“No,” Erestor said with a silly smile. “Knowing how you feel and your reasons behind your previous rebuffs, I do not need a wedding to know I will be with you for eternity. It was the unknown divide between us that caused me to distrust and cling to the idea that until we were married I would not be satisfied with our relationship the way it is. I am sorry for doubting you.”
“I am sorry. Had I been honest and upfront previously, we could have gone without this messy situation.”
“I will forgive you if you kiss me now.”
Glorfindel smiled indulgently then moved in for his mouth to meet Erestor’s. Their tender lips tasted of salt, the taste of their undying love. Erestor slowly relaxed back into the sheet, pulling Glorfindel down with him. Their kiss was soft, gentle, but also loving. Lips moved against one another and tongues met to wrap around the others. The slick muscles twirled and tasted and thrust and explored. The territory of their quest may have been the same as it had been for the past five centuries, but the future pulsing between them, the surety of their path was entirely new; a path they would walk together no matter what.
The kiss came to an end and Glorfindel pulled back just far enough to look Erestor in the eye and smile contentedly.
“Do you think this sheet will hold us?” Erestor asked seductively.
“It is holding us,” Glorfindel responded, baffled.
“Do you think it will support us if we were to make love upon it?”
“Oh. I believe it is worth trying. However, I find myself suddenly rather weary,” Glorfindel emphasised with a yawn.
“Yes, emotional breakdowns can be quite taxing,” Erestor agreed.
“That, and I have neither slept nor eaten for the past four days, so eager I was to find you before it was too late.”
“Too late?” Erestor asked.
“I thought you might have plans to sail,” Glorfindel mumbled, laying his head against Erestor’s chest.
“You thought I would make such a large decision without consulting you first?” Erestor asked, aggrieved.
Glorfindel did respond, though his words were unintelligible, spoken against Erestor’s torso.
“Glorfindel?”
“Mmm?”
“Why do you smell of spoiled milk?”
“Kaia pressed her bare breasts to me while she was leaking milk for her baby.”
“That witch!”
~Fin~