Work Text:
after rewatching tao's short film for the second time, this time on his laptop instead of nick's phone, charlie became aware of something he didn't quite notice before.
"hi, charlie. i love you," nick said to the camera, eyes glassy. he looked as though he was barely keeping it together.
it made charlie so sad. it tore his heart up into tiny little pieces, and he never wanted nick to look like that again. he couldn't really explain it, but it looked as though nick was somewhere else, looking beyond the camera, or not really there at all. charlie just wanted to reach through the screen and hold him and never let go. he felt so far beyond his reach. even though nick was just a text message, a phone call, a 10 minute walk away.
charlie had a feeling that if he asked nick about it he'd deflect. or say it was nothing. he was also worried that he was overthinking a 3 second clip. but just to be sure, he wanted to ask tao, his best friend behind the camera, the one who saw it first hand.
***
charlie had gotten back from inpatient about a week prior, but everyone decided that it would be best for him to take the rest of the term off. the next day, nick had rugby practice until 5 and had several exams to study for so told charlie that he probably wouldn't be able to come over. rather than text, nick called charlie right after school to tell him and sounded so, so worried.
"nick, it's okay, please study for your exams," charlie said.
"i could probably stop by for a half hour, maybe do my work at yours, because if i come over i won't really want to leave..." nick replied.
"nick," charlie interrupted with a laugh. "i'll be okay, i promise. i don't want my boyfriend failing out of school to come check in on me. i'll see you tomorrow, yeah?"
"okay," nick conceded, with a much quieter voice. "see you tomorrow. i love you, char."
"i love you, nick. i know i say it a lot but not enough, but thank you for everything. now i don't want you to be told off by coach singh, go on then. i love you."
"i'm not sure what you’re thanking me for, but you know i'd do anything for you always. okay, bye."
"bye."
now that he had a free evening, charlie thought it would be a good opportunity to get to the bottom of what was bugging him.
charlie: hey tao, are you on your way home yet?
tao: no, not yet. i have to take the bus today because my mum got caught up at work. why?
charlie: do you wanna come over to mine?
tao: yeah of course! is everything ok?
charlie: yeah all good, just wanted company :)
tao: great, i'll be there soon
tao arrived about a half hour later, very clearly shivering from the cold.
"h-hey," tao said when charlie opened the door.
"hey tao, do--" charlie hesitated, "do you want some hot cocoa to warm you up?"
"oh... yeah that'd be great," tao replied through chattering teeth.
when they went to the kitchen, charlie's dad was rearranging the fridge and had charlie's meal plan opened in front of him. the thoughtfulness made charlie's heart swell.
julio turned around and looked surprised, but delighted, to see tao there.
"oh hi tao, lovely to see you. didn't know you were coming round," he said.
"hi mr. spring, good to see you too. charlie literally just asked me to come over, so here i am," tao replied, with jazz hands.
julio laughed, "do you boys need anything? i'm just rearranging the kitchen, so it's a bit of the mess."
"actually..." charlie began, feeling anxious all of a sudden. he fiddled with his jumper sleeves but wanted to power through it. "i was gonna make us hot cocoa."
julio looked surprised, then smiled proudly. "you boys have a seat in the dining room. i'll make it for you."
"oh, thanks dad."
"thanks, mr spring."
they went to the dining room, and suddenly charlie became very aware that this was the first time tao had been inside his home in a while. he felt vulnerable.
tao clearly noticed the change in charlie's disposition. "charlie, are you okay?" he asked.
"yeah, i was just thinking about how when we were younger, you'd come over before our winter exams and we'd have hot cocoa and study together. i'm trying to be normal but it's...really hard."
"i get that, charlie. it's okay if you're trying to be normal but it's also okay if you're not. if it's hard. we're...i'm here for you."
"thanks, tao. i think i should be okay though."
julio came out with two mugs of hot cocoa, and had some cream and marshmallows in extra cups.
"charlie, i didn't know how much you wanted so i just put some on the side for you."
charlie smiled shyly at his dad. the small gestures made so much of a difference.
tao took a large sip from his mug and had cream all over his upper lip, smiling maniacally.
"i think i burned my tongue," tao said.
unexpectedly, charlie laughed out loud, reminded of when they were younger. charlie put some marshmallows in his hot cocoa, spacing them to look like eyes, then made the cream look like a smiley face.
"well, just look at how handsome he is," charlie said.
"mr. cocoa man!" tao said. "i'd forgotten about him. he's been extinct for like 3 years."
"well, everyone loves a comeback," charlie said, winking.
tao immediately understood the double meaning and smiled. "and we're all so eternally grateful for it."
***
a little while later, they went upstairs, and tao was giving charlie his schoolwork.
"i'm thankful i'm not behind but i just don't feel like doing work," charlie grumbled.
"you're telling me. at least you don't have to deal with mr. farouk, it's like he's become grumpier since you've left. it's like he's out to get me."
"well maybe if you and isaac hadn't walked in on him and mr. ajayi having lunch together--"
"they were in the art room! a public space!" tao exclaimed.
"yeah but clearly they were sharing a moment over noodles," charlie replied, cheekily.
"i'd argue that was more intimate than imogen and sahar literally sucking face on halloween, and that's saying something," tao replied.
charlie held his breath, not wanting to waste the perfect segue. "i wanted to talk to you about halloween, actually."
tao looked confused. "did i not tell you the imogen-sahar story? i could’ve sworn i did. well anyway, imogen was taking loads of shots--"
"tao, you already told me. i was talking about your video."
the confusion hadn't left tao's face, but now he just looked more inquisitive. "what about it?"
charlie sighed. "i don't know if i'm overthinking it, but nick looked...really upset, like lost in thought. i mean, i guess it makes sense, he said he really missed me that night and didn't really want to go, but how was he, actually? he didn't really tell me about his night. did you notice it too?"
tao sighed and looked down at his hands. "yeah, i did. he just looked like he was preoccupied the whole time. i lost him at a couple points because he didn't really seem like he wanted to hang out, he was alone on the couch for a lot of it. and--" he stopped himself.
charlie was worried now, "--and what, tao?"
tao said, "fuck, well, he made me promise not to tell you."
charlie pleaded, "tao, tao you have to. you're my best friend."
tao continued, "fine. i saw him go into one of the hallways, alone. everyone else was busy or didn't notice, but i did, so i followed him. he was just sitting on the floor, knees against his chest. he was really struggling. and when i sat next to him, he just broke down in my arms."
charlie started tearing up, "oh my god. what?"
"yeah, i just held him, for a long time. he made me swear not to tell you so you wouldn't worry. or feel guilty. he just kept telling me that he was so drunk that he doesn't remember what he was crying about, but i don't think that's true. i think he knew."
he guessed that nick wasn't doing well, but of the extent of it, charlie had no idea. "what do i do now, tao?"
he replied, "in my opinion, i don't think you should tell him that you know about this. because i think he'll say it was nothing or that he was drunk, or, selfishly, get mad at me, but that's up to you. but i think you have to keep checking up on him, because it was really hard for all of us, but especially him. encourage him to talk about it and to us."
charlie's voice shook now. "i don't know what to do now that i know how much pain i've caused him."
"charlie, you were off getting better. it would've caused him more pain if you just kept suffering. this is what he was afraid of, you blaming yourself for it. it's just that he loves you so much and when all that love had nowhere to go, he didn't know how to handle it."
"i love him so much too, tao. but i don't want to cause him pain. i wish i didn't cause him pain."
"you're back now, charlie, and that's all that matters. would you say the hard part is over?"
charlie nodded.
"then, you can help each other, make up for lost time. we all have to make up for lost time."
charlie sighed. he knew tao was right. "well for what it's worth, i love you, tao."
"you know i love you too charlie."
charlie smiled weakly, now wondering how he was going to broach the conversation with nick. like tao said, while the hard part was over, they still had a long way to go.