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Schlatt has a secret. He’s been keeping it for a while now, and it’s been burning a hole in his stomach. He’s in love with Ted.
He’s been good at keeping the secret so far. It came on slowly, and it took him a long time to even realize what he was feeling or what any of it meant. At first, he just started noticing how pretty the other man was. And that was fine, it’s not gay to notice your homie is good looking. But slowly, over the next few years, it burned away in the pit of his stomach like a hot coal. Smouldering up into a raging hot fire that refused to be ignored or explained away.
It wasn’t too terribly hard to keep the secret. Layers of jokes and irony and distance apart protected him from himself. The last thing he wanted to do was risk it all, lose his friendship with Ted, his job, his entire life, maybe. Well, some of those worries were exaggerations, but they helped to keep him steady and in check when he hung out with Ted.
This past week had been different.
He’d agreed to spend an entire week with Ted as he had a few planned recordings with a some local people, and Ted himself, of course. The second they got off the plane, they just clicked together. They were friends, had been friends for years, but something about this time seemed different. They were mentally and physically on the same wavelength. They were always laughing at the same jokes, sharing the same takes, agreeing on what to watch, what to do. They’d been sitting close to each other, bumping shoulders, grazing thighs.
And oh, Ted’s eyes. They seemed to light up whenever he looked at Schlatt. They sparkled whenever Schlatt was talking. They seemed so deep and full of love and admiration, that Schlatt felt like the center of the universe whenever that gaze was turned on him.
It had slowly eroded away Schlatt’s fears and worries, built up to a deafening crescendo that beat in his pulse every second they were together. And now, as they were sitting fully pressed up against each other on the couch, shoulder to shoulder and thigh to thigh, he couldn’t ignore it any longer.
“Hey, Ted,” Schlatt said, breaking the comfortable silence they had lapsed into while scrolling on their phones. Ted immediately looked up and into Schlatt’s eyes.
“Hm?” he hummed in reply. He smiled that crooked smile and that was all Schlatt could take.
He leaned in to close the small space between their lips, finally kissing Ted. Closing his eyes, he brought his hand up gently to brush his fingers against his jawline, and fireworks went off in his head.
For about two seconds.
Then he noticed that Ted hadn’t reciprocated. Or moved. Or had really much of a reaction at all.
Schlatt’s eyes flew open as he pulled back. His eyes locked onto Ted’s as he studied him for any sort of clue. Ted’s expression was a bit shocked and confused, but not appalled. A heartbeat passed between them, and a confused half-smile tugged at the corner of Ted’s lips.
“What was that for?” he asked as he chuckled lightly in the same breath.
It hit Schlatt like a million tons of brick. He’d misread everything. Ted was straight, of course he was. None of this was mutual. Every fear and insecurity Schlatt had ever felt came pouring back into him all at once. His head was spinning and he almost felt like he was tumbling head over heels, deep down into the darkest pit of hell, which currently resided in his stomach.
“Holy shit, I’m so sorry,” came Schlatt’s terrified reaction. His eyes were wide, heart beating out of his chest. He shifted half a motion back away from Ted, his hand clenching down hard on the bottom of his own sweater as an anchor.
He must have looked like the perfect picture of fear, because Ted’s expression shifted from confused to worried instantly.
“It’s fine,” Ted tried to reassure him. “I just wasn’t expecting it, that’s all.”
Ted must be putting it all together now. He’s realizing that Schlatt’s in love with him. That he’s been in love with him for ages now. He’s rethinking everything they’ve ever done together, recategorizing fond memories as creepy. Recategorizing Schlatt as creepy. As gay and creepy. As gay and creepy and touching him all the time and…
His thoughts just tumbled one right after the other, and the words he spoke just poured out of him like one continuous pipeline of embarrassment.
“No. No, I’m sorry. Fuck, Ted, I’m so, so sorry. I shouldn’t have… And now you think I’m… And I… Fuck, I’m sorry.”
He wasn’t making much sense, and it only seemed to worry Ted even more. Ted reached over and put his hand gently on Schlatt’s shoulder. It only made him feel like Ted would know how fast his heart was beating, and that was scary too. He ripped his eyes away from Ted’s and looked anywhere else.
“Hey, seriously. It’s fine. I don’t mind a kiss with a friend. It’s no big deal.” Ted’s voice was even and reassuring, not paranoid and panicked like Schlatt’s.
Several seconds passed in silence while Ted patiently waited for Schlatt to digest what he’d said. Schlatt’s mind was running a thousand miles in the opposite direction.
“You’re… straight, though,” is what he finally ended up saying.
“Yeah, unfortunately so.” And Ted smiled and chuckled like it was the easiest thing in the world. Like this didn’t change everything. Like Schlatt hadn’t singlehandedly destroyed a perfect friendship.
Schlatt finally met Ted’s eyes again. They were still twinkling at him like a galaxy of stars. He felt the pit in his stomach get deeper.
“I fucking ruined everything, dude.” Schlatt’s eyes were burning as he said it. It was one thing to have it swirling around in his head, it was another to speak it into existence. To vocalize his deepest fears to Ted.
“Why? Because you like me or something?”
“I kissed you. And you don’t even… you’re not… I just fucked everything up.”
Ted rolled his eyes and exhaled through his nose.
Quickly, he moved his hand up and put his thumb and finger on Schlatt’s chin, gently tilting his head as he moved forward and kissed him.
Ted was kissing him.
It only lasted a second and change. Motionless, but somehow not loveless. It wasn’t quite long enough to register in Schlatt’s brain before it was over. Ted stayed close to him as he pulled back, and a sly grin spread across his face. Schlatt blinked.
“There, now I’ve kissed you too. We’re even.”
Schlatt’s eyes were wide again, and he began catching back up with reality. His brain had finally stopped buzzing with self deprecating remarks long enough to understand what Ted meant by his gesture.
“What, you still wanna… be friends after all this shit?”
“Of course I do.” He said it so softly and gently, like it was the only thing he’s ever been sure of.
He lowered his hand off of Schlatt’s chin and patted his shoulder in a way that was meant to be manly, but it was a little too soft. Schlatt pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes and rubbed a little too hard.
“But.. everything’ll be different,” Schlatt mumbled from behind his hands.
He let pressure off of his eyes, and then reapplied it, not knowing what he should be doing, thinking, or saying. He felt so scrambled and uneasy and ill, he had no idea what to do any more.
“I don’t see why it has to be. Nothing’s changed.”
Didn’t Ted get it? Couldn’t he understand what was implied? Now Ted knows. Now everything Schlatt does will be tainted. They won’t get to hug like they used to, long and meaningful. He won’t ever sit down so close to Schlatt that they’re almost on top of each other. He won’t ever make a gay joke without wondering if Schlatt will take it personally. The twinkling will fade from Ted’s eyes and he’ll start looking at him like he’s a stranger.
Schlatt’s body suddenly sprung into motion as he pushed his hand against the back of the couch like a springboard to stand up, but his attempt at escape was cut off instantly as Ted caught his other shoulder with his hand and pressed him back down.
“Don’t run away, please, just talk it out with me,” Ted said firmly.
Schlatt’s eyes connected with Ted’s again. He was searching for what he should do, what he should say as if it was written somewhere deep in his pupils. All he saw was how deeply Ted cared about him, and suddenly the pit in his stomach ached all over again.
“You won’t want to be as… close to me, anymore. I liked that.” Schlatt just let the words pour out of him, unchecked. He hoped that Ted would understand what he meant. He wasn’t sure he had the stomach to explain any further.
“What? Why wouldn’t we be…” A flash of understanding crossed Ted’s face.
“Oh, you mean this?” He gestured to the small amount of space in between them, indicating their physical closeness. “C’mon dude, I just kissed you. You think I’m gonna suddenly enact a six foot rule?” Ted laughed in earnest. “I like this too. I like that we touch, I’m a touchy guy.”
Schlatt let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. The knot in his stomach unravelled by a loop or two. If he meant that, If Ted really meant that…maybe not everything was fucking ruined after all.
Ted immediately clocked his change in demeanour, and he seemed to relax a bit too.
“You sure you’re okay with… knowing?” Schlatt settled back onto the couch fully.
“Knowing what, that you like me? Hell yeah dude, why wouldn’t I?” Ted was fully smiling at him again, staring at him with these endearing eyes. Schlatt couldn’t think of anything else to say.
Ted took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He gathered his thoughts.
“Look, maybe it’s my fault for not saying this enough but, I love you, man. Maybe not in the same way, but you mean a lot to me. I’d be a fucking moron if I let anything ruin that,” Ted said quietly.
The burning in Schlatt’s eyes finally welled over as a single tear broke free and ran down his cheek. He instantly snapped his hand up to wipe it away.
“Thanks. And hey, I’m sorry for just... kissing you like that. I should’ve said something, like, out loud, before I did all that shit.”
Ted had that crooked smile on his face again, like he knew the answer to everything. He leaned over and kissed Schlatt again, pecking him lightly on the lips this time.
“Well now I’ve kissed you twice. That’s double the amount you did, so if anyone has a problem here, it’s me.”
Schlatt couldn’t help himself. He broke out laughing, fully smiling and cackling with his whole voice. If there’s one thing that would never change, it’s that Ted had the ability to make him laugh harder than anyone he’d ever met. Ted broke out laughing alongside him and they both fed into each other. It seemed like Schlatt poured all of his remaining anxiety and fear into the laugh, until it was all laughed away into the ether.
“I’ll tell you what we’re gonna do,” Ted started.
“Oh who said you’re in charge now, asshole?” Schlatt quipped back at his normal pace.
“Shut the fuck up and listen.” Schlatt just smiled.
Ted wrapped his arm around Schlatt’s shoulders and pulled him fully up against his side, leaving his arm firmly around him and bringing Schlatt’s head closer to his chest.
“We’re gonna sit here together, like we always do, and scroll on tiktok until we either laugh so hard we shit ourselves or fall asleep from boredom. Deal?”
Schlatt relaxed deeply into Ted’s body like it was something he’d always done. Ted squeezed him gently as a reassurance that everything was okay. Maybe this wasn’t the outcome he’d dreamt about, but it was more than enough.
“Deal.”
They passed the time together exactly like Ted said. Sometimes in silence, sometimes laughing. Ted held his phone up and scrolled for both of them. Schlatt wasn’t quite sure if Ted knew how much he needed the time to calm down and go back to equilibrium or if it was just a pleasant side effect, but he appreciated it nonetheless.
After about an hour, Schlatt was left feeling nothing but the dull warmth of contentedness as sleep slowly crept up on him.
“Mmm, Ted?” He broke the silence quietly.
“Hm?”
“We just… kissed a buncha times.” Schlatt’s eyes were beginning to flutter shut as sleepiness started to overtake him.
“Yeah we did, big guy.” Ted chuckled lightly.
“That’s okay?”
“Yeah. That’s okay.”