Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Holly, can we talk, please?”

Holly’s visage appeared on the screen.  If he was surprised at the request, it didn’t show.  George had previously appreciated the computer’s deadpan personality but now it only grated.  It made him feel even less human; just a ghost conversing with an avatar.

“What’s up, George?”

Steepling his fingers together, George took a breath he didn’t need and blurted: “Please turn me off.”

The barest, faintest flicker of surprise.  “Why?  It’s only been a week.  You’ve gotta give these things time.”

Struggling to keep his tone even, George replied: “No offence, Holly, but in this case a week is more than enough.  I can’t do it.  I can’t adjust to this .  What am I supposed to do?  Spend millennia wandering around this ship surrounded by nothing but memories?”  He shuddered, his voice cracking.  “And ashes.”

“What about Dave Lister?  I’ll be letting him out eventually.”

Poor sod.  George quickly squashed down the memory of a laughing Lister at his welcome back party.  Everything had been so different then that it already seemed like years ago.  “He seemed a nice bloke but I didn’t know him that well.  Bring someone else back, someone he was close to.”

“Got any names?”

George racked his brains.  “Kochanski maybe?  He had a crush on her.  Or if you want someone who’d look after him, Todhunter.”

Holly raised an eyebrow.  “I don’t think bringing back anyone who had a romantic interest in him is a great idea.  They wouldn’t be able to touch him.”

George clenched his hands together even tighter.  “OK then, one of his drinking mates.  God, make it Rimmer if you want.  Just please, not me.”

Chapter Text

Todhunter cast a careful glance towards Lister hovering in the doorway of the drive room before turning back to Hollister. “Sir, is this really necessary?”

The Captain huffed. “Of course it’s necessary, Frank. You know the regulations as well as I do. An unquarantined cat is loose on this ship and Lister has refused point blank to give it up. The only reason I’m not sending him to you-know-where is it’s safer to isolate him for the rest of the trip. God knows what he may have picked up from that animal.”

“And I applaud you for your leniency, sir.” Todhunter winced at the thought of a harmless young lad like Lister being thrown into the Tank amongst that bunch of thuggish lowlifes. “Even so, stasis seems like overkill for … being a cat lover.”

Hollister snorted. “I like cats as much as the next man when they’re not endangering spaceship crews, but something tells me Lister isn’t the only one having an attack of sentimentality here.”

“Sir, I’m not sure I follow?” Todhunter looked down at his feet, flushing.

“I think you do, Frank, and you need to get over it. Now take him to stasis. That’s an order.”

Todhunter saluted reluctantly. “Sir.”

“D’you mind if I get changed first?”

Todhunter blinked. “I’m sorry, Lister?”

“I mean, I’m not on shift anymore, am I? It’s kinda like a holiday.”

“I wouldn’t put it quite like that.”

“Please, sir? Me bunkroom’s not far.”

Todhunter stood awkwardly by the bunkroom door. “Make it quick, Lister.”

Lister strode to the grey metal wardrobe and pulled out a cheerfully patterned Hawaiian shirt. Without further ado, he stripped off his black ship-issue jacket and started to do the same with his shirt. Hastily turning his back, Todhunter waited until the movements in his peripheral vision stopped before looking round.

“Well, you certainly look very … relaxed.” Finding his thoughts drifting to sandy beaches, Todhunter mentally shook himself. The Captain was right, he needed to get a grip.

“It’s me Fiji shirt. OK, let’s go.”

Todhunter sighed. Life on Red Dwarf was about to get just a little more monotonous. He made a mental note to apply for shore leave at their next port of call.

Chapter Text

Kochanski refilled her glass and took more long gulps of water. The burning sensation had gone but the discomfort was lingering. She coughed.

“Yeah, it was a hot one, wasn’t it?”

She glared at Lister. “I’ve had hot curry before. That was more than hot, it was … molten.” Not strictly accurate of course, but in this case hyperbole was justified.

“Krytes said he made a mistake in the programming.”

She raised a sceptical eyebrow. “Did he really? He didn’t seem too cut up about it.”

“He wouldn’t’ve done that on purpose!”

“He drove a tank into Jane Austen World because we were late for supper!”

Stumped, Lister cleared his throat. “Maybe we should give that game a rest for a bit.”

She sighed. “I know, it’s not your cup of tea. My Dave liked it though.”

Immediately on the defensive, Lister rolled his eyes. “Don’t tell me, he really loved all the balls.” He put a sneery emphasis on the last word.

“Yes, actually. Although he liked what we did after them even more. Do you know how sturdy a grand piano is?”

The facial journey he went through was hysterical. “What?”

“You know how you can play the book characters if you like? We used to play Darcy and Elizabeth. There was an option for post-canon at Pemberley.”

He stared blankly at her.

“After the book ends, when they’re married,” she clarified.

“Hold on, you telling me you and him used to … do it in AR? In a Jane Austen game?!”

“Why not?”

“That game didn’t have an Adult mode. Did it?”

“Of course it does. Obviously we were playing the General Audiences version earlier.”

“But… he was hardlight. You were together. Why would you…”

“Every relationship needs some spice. Especially in deep space.”

“Oh come on, you’re havin’ me on, aren’t ya? Like about your Todhunter being gay.”

She simply stared at him.

“Aren’t you?”

She wrinkled her nose noncommittally. “Maybe.”

“Oh, you are. Had me goin’ there for a minute. Well played.” Grinning with relief, he rose from the kitchen table and headed up the metal staircase back towards Starbug’s mid-section.

She waited until he was well out of sight before allowing herself a dreamy smile.

Chapter Text

Cat inspected his fingernails critically.  Time for a buff.  He pulled a nail file out of his suit pocket, frowning as Butterpat Head’s wittering cut into his preening time.

“What does Mr Lister even see in her?  She’s uptight, bossy and walks around as though her pants are too tight!”

Only half listening, Cat muttered a reply in the hope of shutting him up.  “Yeah, Goalpost Head smegs me off too.  Join the club.”

“Sir?  I think you may have misheard.  I was referring to Miss Kochanski.”

Before Cat could muster a response, Rimmer came into the room.  “What about our newest crewmember?”  He added with a begrudging grimace: “And Acting Senior Officer.”

Kryten began pacing agitatedly.  “Sirs, we really need to help her find her crew again.  She’s not fitting in here at all.”

“No argument here.  If I have to watch Lister mooning over her for much longer, we’re going to find out whether holograms can barf.”

Cat snorted.  “You just hate being outranked.  I like her.  She’s our second best-looking crewmember.  My shoulders have been aching from holding up that banner by myself for years.  Nice to finally have someone to share the load.”

Rimmer shot him a dirty look.  “Look, you mangy moggy, there are more important considerations than…”  He cast around for a suitably devastating insult.  “Than doubling the number of crewmembers who care about shaving their legs!”

Cat shook his head and resumed his filing.  “You want to be hairy like a dog, that’s your funeral.”

“With respect, sirs, we’re getting off topic.  The presence of Miss Kochanski is disrupting the unity of this crew.  She keeps distracting Mr Lister.”

Rimmer nodded.  “As though it isn’t hard enough to get any attention from him.  I mean, to get him to pay attention.  He had little enough respect for me before she swanned in here with her Navigation Officer pips.”

Cat shrugged and got to his feet.  “Anyone who gets Dormouse Cheeks to spruce himself up a bit is OK in my book.”  He pocketed his nail file and left.

He shook his head as the continuing, irritating noise of their yapping faded into the distance.  It sucked how everyone except him couldn’t be cool around Officer Bud Babe. 

There was something funky in the air between her and Dormouse Cheeks.  Even more disturbing, it was the same kind of weird as he’d always sensed between him and Goalpost Head.  

Monkeys.  I’ll never understand them.