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“I,” Valkyrie Cain said, throwing herself onto her bed with her phone firmly positioned between her shoulder and ear, “have had the most awful day.”
“Well,” said Skulduggery, his voice coming off slightly buzzy from the other end. “I’m sorry to hear that. Is everything alright?”
“Yeah,” she said, kneading her blanket and adjusting it. “I’m fine. It was just … weird. And terrible. And awkward. But what about you, my dear skeleton friend? How was your day?”
“Let’s not pretend you care,” he said, sounding amused. “You’re trying to be polite, which is a unexpected turn of events, but I know you called solely to vent and don’t actually want to know how my day went.”
“Ouch,” she said. “You are at least my fourth favorite person in the world. Of course I care. Lay it on me.”
“Fine,” he said, and then paused for effect. “It was okay.”
“Learn anything new at school?”
“Not really.”
“Well,” said Valkyrie. “There we go. Now, back to me - ” she shifted to a more comfortable position, adjusting so the small of her back rested against her favorite pillow. “I think my grocer-delivery-boy-only-friend-here-whatever just tried to ask me out.”
“Mm,” said Skulduggery.
“And while he definitely ranks high in that aforementioned favorite person list, due to being the only person in this country I actually talk to, I just … yeah. Nope.”
“Mm,” said Skulduggery, and Valkyrie frowned at her phone like he would be able to see her face.
“You know, I was hoping for a bit more of a reaction from you. Even if it was just ‘why would anyone ask YOU out, you hideous hermit crab’.”
“.... Hideous hermit crab?”
She shifted, scowling at the phone. “Self induced isolation gives me plenty of time to come up with insults for myself. Not the point. You’re not curious as to why I said no?”
“I didn’t think dating was on your agenda right now,” he said. “Besides that, he probably isn’t an attractive enough for the vivacious Valkyrie Cain.”
“That’s not all I care about,” she said, feeling weirdly defensive. “Like - he doesn’t have a very strong sense of humor, and he’s not a great conversationalist. And he’s short.”
“Ah,” said Skulduggery. “Height, the most important personality trait.”
Valkyrie, on several occasions in the past few years, had been less than subtle about the type of guy she liked. What guy she liked. Exactly which member of the male species she liked. It was like walking on a tightrope, and every time she thought she was being too obvious and she'd fall right off- and he was going to laugh in her face.
But he never did. Ever.
Ever.
“His voice is nice though,” she continued, quieter. “He used to be a singer. I mean, I guess he still is, technically, but he was like a professional one once.”
“Fascinating.”
“Don’t be mean,” Valkyrie said. “He’s actually really nice, I just don’t … like him, like that, you know? And he’s cool so he would never ever be weird about it - I mean, I don’t even know if he really was asking me out because it was just a vague dinner offer, but…” she trailed off, and groaned. “I’m rambling. I don’t know. I feel so … out of my element, with this. When I was younger I used to think everyone - or, well, everyone attracted to girls - was crazy for me. And then the Darquesse takeover happened, and then all I thought was that you’d have to be crazy to even consider liking me.” She sighed. “I mean. Not that he knows about that part. Obviously.”
“And are you worried about … dating prospects, in lieu of that?”
“I have no dating prospects. All my options are people who don’t have a clue - which would make me feel incredibly guilty and on edge all the time - or someone who was into the Darquesse thing. And, uh, no thank you.”
“There is a third option, you know. Just because …” he hesitated. “Even if you can’t forgive yourself, others still can. And will. You’re not going to immediately be public enemy number one when you come back. You know that, right?”
“Oh, yeah,” she said, drily. “Maybe I’ll just be public enemy number two.” She didn’t like “when you come back” discussions. They didn’t usually end on a happy note. “Besides,” she said, forcing a light tone into her voice. “Dexter Vex is very clearly not interested, so might as well just give up now and become a nun.”
“We see very differently on the Dexter Vex issue,” Skulduggery muttered, and Valkyrie frowned.
“Wait. What do you mean? He is interested?”
“No. Well. He’s not … not, interested. I mean. You’re a pretty girl. So.” He sighed.
She squinted at the phone. “Should I be concerned about why you sound so uncomfortable? Something you want to share with the class?” She blanched. “This isn’t like a been-interested-in-me-in-that-way-since-I-was-sixteen thing, right?”
“No,” Skulduggery said, tone sounding even weirder. “That’s not it. His interest would not be … long term or emotionally significant.”
“Emotionally significant?”
He sighed, sounding irritated. “You know what I mean.”
“No, I don’t,” Valkyrie said, laughing, even if it didn’t feel particularly funny.
“Does it not bother you that he - he had no reservations about killing you when…” he trailed off, but she picked up his meaning.
Valkyrie scoffed. “Who would? I’m not going to fault him for that. And that’s not what you’re actually mad about.”
“I’m not mad.”
Valkyrie rolled her eyes. “Yeah. Okay. Sure. Look. I’d love - I’d love it if..” her voice faltered. “I’d love if someone saw the whole Darquesse thing and they thought it was fine, or understandable, or a quirky but endearing character trait, but that’s not happening. Anyone in their right mind wanted to kill me. I’ve dealt with that and all the emotional baggage that comes with it. But that’s not the point. The point is, you’re being weird. ”
“Weird how?”
“Weird in - you’re just - it’s like you’re jealous, but you’re clearly not, because that’s…” she groaned. “Nevermind. Nevermind. This is dumb. I’m just gonna-”
“Please don’t hang up,” he said, voice almost begging. “Let’s just … forget this conversation.”
“No,” Valkyrie said, shaking her head empathetically. “If you want to talk then you have to tell me what’s going on.”
“I don’t like how Vex treats his partners. I’ve always made that abundantly clear.”
“But that’s not … You’re not telling the whole truth, and you know it.”
“Neither are you.”
“Fine,” Valkyrie said. “Fine. That’s it, then. I declare a honesty hour. We tell each other the truth - the whole truth - for the rest of this phone call.”
There was an hesitation from his end, and Valkyrie pressed on.
“Come on. We did the evil alter ego reveal thing years ago. We can handle this.”
“... Fine,” he said, at last.
“We’ll start easy,” she said. “Favorite color?”
“Green.”
“Excellent. Your turn.”
“What did you eat for breakfast this morning?”
“Toast. Do you have any burning deep dark questions for me?”
“None that I feel like asking.”
Valkyrie groaned, collapsing on a pillow. “There’s no point of honesty hour if you’re not even going to try to make me squirm.”
“Fine,” Skulduggery said. “You ask whatever truth you’re dying to hear from me. What’s been on your mind? What keeps you awake at night? What are you so worried about?”
She knew the answer to that.
She stalled, fingers twitching nervously at her side. That was the point, wasn’t it? To get an answer about what she was dancing around - and at least if she got shot down here and now, she wouldn’t have to look him in the eye. Eyesocket. Whatever.
Be brave, she thought.
“Uh,” she said. “Do you, uh ... about ... is the way, you, um, feel about me …” she felt like a middle schooler. Not even a normal one. One that got shoved into lockers.
“Yes.” Skulduggery said, voice flat.
“No, I mean - do you ….”
“Yes.”
“No, shut up,” she said, frustrated. “I mean do you - in the way - like, not just as…”
“Valkyrie.” His voice was fraying slightly with stress. “I know what you mean. I could have … guessed, from our previous conversation. You don’t need to draw it out.”
“And you’re really …?”
“Yes,” he said, empathetically. “Of course.”
“Okay,” she said, feeling very stupid. “Hold on. Just … wait. You really - you’re being - like, to make sure, you mean…?”
“Valkyrie,” he said, voice strained - pained, even. “Please. Don’t make me - if you’re just simply … curious, don’t make this …” she heard him groan on the other end. “Please. This is torture. Just get to your point and we can … move on.”
“That was my point,” she said, softly, stunned. “I … are you sure?”
“Yes,” he said, voice so faint it barely picked up. “Do you think I would have kissed you if I didn’t? Have you ever seen me kiss someone?”
“Yeah, but it was on the cheek!” Valkyrie protested, flushed and suddenly frustrated. “That doesn’t - why didn’t you kiss me properly?”
“I considered it, but ... “ he groaned, like he couldn’t believe he was saying this. “If I kissed you on the li-- mouth and you looked at me in horror I would have thrown myself into the Accelerator even if it did take Ravel. So I couldn’t - and I was already rather distracted by you saying you had to leave, and …” Skulduggery trailed off, the sound popping. And then his voice cut back in, ever so slightly higher. “Did you say properly?”
“Yeah, properly. I think you’re going to die and I tell you how much you mean to me and I say I love you and you just - kiss me on the cheek and make fun of me? How the fuck was I supposed to know how you really felt?”
“But you -” he cut himself off, and there was such a long pause she thought for a moment the call had dropped.
“Ah,” he said, at long last. “... I am an ass.”
“Obviously.”
“You really - you… that is, you, you l-l…”
“Obviously,” she muttered, feeling stupidly light headed.
She could hear an audible swallow, which was silly, for someone without a throat.
“This next bit would probably have gone a bit differently if you weren’t an ocean away,” he murmured.
She felt a shiver run through her spine, and the phantom sensation of fingertips pressed against her lower back.
“I’m not sure I’d even have the nerve,” she mumbled, and pressed the phone closer to her ear, in a sad attempt to make him feel nearer than 4,398.26 miles away. “So,” she said, after a moment. “That’s … out there, now. We know … stuff. Things are … different.”
“Not terribly different,” Skulduggery replied. “Probably. Most likely. I mean. There are … things to discuss. … Limitations.”
She didn’t think he just meant the distance.
“... Right. Um, speaking of, just to … Clear up a few things, while I have this safety blanket of phone-truth-or-dare … Uh. Do you even find anyone …” she wanted to say arousing, but she didn’t think she could get the word out without laughing or sounding like a complete moron, so she stumbled back to a previous one. “… Attractive?”
There was a long beat, and his laugh was low and quiet, barely picked up by the phone.
“What?” she said, frowning.
“Valkyrie,” he said all awkwardness gone and replaced with pure amusement, and Jesus, she was angry at whatever malevolent force created him and gave him that voice.
“What?”
“Can you describe to me what you’re wearing?”
She almost threw the phone at the wall. “Oh, fuck off.”
“I’m serious.”
She groaned. “Fine. I’m wearing...” she hazarded a look down. “Pajama pants with dogs on them, a tank top that’s so old it’s stretched out completely, and …” she trailed off. “My hair is up because I haven’t washed it in days and it’s too greasy for me to even want to deal with right now.” She slid down the waistband of her pants to check the underwear situation. “And boxer shorts. If you want the dirty details. Also, no bra.”
“Hmm,” Skulduggery said, thoughtfully.
“I’m a mess.”
“A hot mess,” he affirmed.
“Ha, ha,” she said. “Emphasis on the hot?”
“Absolutely.”
She rolled her eyes. “This is not very honesty hour of you.”
“Valkyrie,” he said, “you could be wearing a potato sack and a flower pot on your head and I’d still find you completely, insatiably irresistible.”
She laughed, and then the words actually registered. “W-what?”
There was silence at the other end. “…. I would take that back,” he said, “for a number of reasons that seems to be increasing as every moment passes, but I feel like that goes against the nature of honesty hour.”
Valkyrie couldn’t remember ever blushing this hard. She felt like her skin was on fire. (And she knew what that was like, literally.) “Oh,” she said, at last.
“It is,” he said, “quite a bit easier to hide blushes when you don’t have any blood.”
“And when you’re a million miles away,” she said, softly, and then: “God. No. I already looked like a bad “before” photo and now my entire face must be the exact hue of a tomato.”
“Is that what you’re concerned about?” he said, and she could hear terror underlying the amusement in his voice. “Not that your very, very, very much older than you partner admitted that he’s attracted to you?”
“You make it sound so clinical.”
“You make it sound like it doesn’t bother you.”
Valkyrie rolled onto her stomach. “Why the hell would it bother me?”
“Because you made it abundantly clear on no less than six separate occasions on how much the thought of dating an older man disturbed you.”
“While I was still trying to break up with Caelan,” she said. “Which had a significant impact on my life and my teenage self needed to vent about. You teased me for my crushes on Ravel and Vex, did that hypocrisy not occur to you?”
“Well … yes, but … it wasn’t … me,” he said. “I’m quite a different story.”
“That’s right,” she said, softly. “You are.”
He hmmph’d.
“I don’t… I’m not saying I don’t believe you,” he said, “but I don’t want you to feel – I don’t want you to feel pressured by anything I've told you-”
“If you don’t believe me about that, I don’t believe that you’re physically attracted to me.” She said, matter-of-factly. “You – you’ve seen me naked, like, a dozen times, and you never even--”
“Those were… not exactly comfortable situations. It would have been vastly inappropriate, not mention… awkward,” he said, curtly. “Also, it was never really you.”
“Hm?”
“Never you. Your reflection, once, Darquesse, yes, but … never you.”
“Jesus,” she whispered, her heart pounding. “Does that really make a difference to you?”
“Yes.”
She exhaled slowly, tried to breathe all the strange nerves out.
It mattered to him.
It mattered everything to him.
And he … wanted her?
The thought managed to simultaneously be everything she had wanted and never allowed herself to think about and …
The most terrifying thing that had happened to her in years.
But this was Skulduggery. This was not someone she had any reason to be nervous around.
“… I can send you a nude,” she said, very seriously. “Like, right here right now.”
He burst out laughing on the other end – louder than she had heard him laugh in a long, long time. “I have no idea how I’d explain that to anyone looking at my phone.”
“Who looks at your phone?”
“Your parents, on occasion.”
She paled. “Right. Okay. I send the nude, you delete it immediately.”
“That does not sound fair or fun,” Skulduggery said. “Also, I’m not sure I could trust myself to delete it.”
“Ugh,” she said, mock disgusted. “And it is to this cretin that I have laid affections towards.”
“I think that was a sentence,” he said, slowly, “but I am … not exactly sure.”
She laughed. “Shut up. I’ve got an idea.” She switched the phone to speaker, snapped a photo, and sent it.
“Did you get it yet?”
“Hold on.” She heard a pause, the familiar sound of his gloves tapping on the touchscreen. “What … is it?”
“A candid photo of my zoomed in elbow.”
“Oh,” he said. “Very sexy.”
“You saying sexy,” she said, slowly, “is very, very wrong.”
“But oh so right?”
“Mm, no.”
“Ouch.”
“Them’s the breaks,” she said. She fell back on her pillows, exhaling slowly. She left her phone where it was, keeping it on speaker. “Is it still honesty hour?”
“That it is.”
“Okay,” she said, building herself up to it. “Your voice,” she said, “drives me crazy.”
“You’ve said that before,” he said. “It’s not exactly a secret.”
“No, I mean … like … y’know.”
“... Oh.”
She covered her face with her hands. “Oh god,” she said. “I can’t believe I told you that. Oh, you’re … you’re never going to stop making fun of me.”
“I’m not going to make fun of you,” he said.
“Really.”
“I might make fun of you a little,” he admitted. “How long?”
She moaned. “Please don’t make me do this.”
“I’ve put my heart on my sleeve,” he said. “Well. My metaphorical heart, but I’m pretty sure that idiom was never intended to be literal, so … Anyway. Honesty hour.”
She swore. “Since the start, okay? Since the very first words you said to me, I thought, god damn, I’d make sweet sweet love to that stupid fucking voice. Or. Whatever that was, in twelve year old Valkyrie speak.”
“Well,” he said. “…Well.”
“Yeah,” she muttered, sulking. “Can we go back to talking about you thinking I’m hot even when I look awful?”
“Valkyrie Cain,” he said, rolling out the syllables, and she closed her eyes. “What do you want from me?”
“Talk dirty to me,” she suggested, dryly, and he with no hesitation immediately hummed the 2 Chainz’s song refrain. She was impressed.
“How long for me?” she said, once he had finished and she had applauded into her phone’s speaker.
“What do you mean?”
“How long has the idea of Valkyrie Cain in sweats and an oversized holey t-shirt had you hot and bothered?”
“Please do not phrase it like that.”
“If you want my body, and you think I’m sexy,” she sang, very much off key, and he laughed again.
“Good god,” he said. “The voice thing is certainly not mutual.”
“Uh huh, okay. Still waiting on the answer.”
“Far longer than it should have,” he said. “There.”
“Thank you,” she said, even though that had only made her more curious. “…. Does this count as phone sex?”
“… How – how on earth would this be phone sex?”
“We’re talking about how attractive the other is while we deal with the crippling obstacle of being four thousand miles apart. It totally counts.”
“I … uh.”
“Fair,” she said, like he had made a good point. Silence fell, and she suddenly felt terrifyingly self aware.
Terrifying self aware that she just suggested that they were having phone sex to Skulduggery Pleasant.
“... Are we ever going to mention this again?” she said. “Or is this just… going to be some weird blip that we pretend never happened. Like the time my alter ego made out with your disembodied head?”
“Come home and we can figure it out,” he said, voice low.
“Skulduggery…”
“Unless you really only want me for my voice. And this is the evidence for it.”
She smiled and wished he could see. “You’ll have to wait and see then.”
“How long will I be waiting?”
“Not ... not too long,” she said. “I mean, after all, I know have to satisfy your insatiable urges, so…”
“You’re abhorrent.”
“I’m abhorrable.”
He burst out laughing again, and her heart did a pathetic little tap dance all the way across the sea.
“Uch,” she said. “It’s only like, eleven pm and I’m exhausted. I’ve become so weak. I’m going to have to take naps during stakeouts when I come back.”
“Hm,” he said, and she could hear the smile in his voice. “Well, it’s nearly six am here and I was supposed to be at Roarhaven … twenty minutes ago.”
Valkyrie let out a triumphant laugh.
“You dropped everything just to talk to me? Wow.”
“You’re making me regret that decision.”
“I’m the highlight of your life, nerd.”
“You’re awful,” Skulduggery said.
“You loooove me.”
“Well,” he said. “That should be obvious.”
She shut her eyes, her skin still warm to the touch. “... Goodnight, Skulduggery.”
“Goodnight, Valkyrie.”
She waited until he hung up before reaching over to her lamp and tugging off the light.
He missed her.
He wanted her.
He loved her.
And she didn’t even own cute underwear.
Whatever.