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One could argue that Lloyd Garmadon’s trust issues began when he was a kid.
At Darkley’s, all he wanted was a friend, but it didn’t take him long to realise he wasn’t going to find one here. A large portion of his childhood was spent concocting elaborate plans to get back at his bullies, only for the plan to explode in his face - or, on the rare occasion that it actually worked, only for the aforementioned bullies to simply find him and beat him up the next day. Both instances led to him patching up his own scrapes and bumps, because he knew that if he asked someone for help, they would think he was weak, and next thing he knew, there would be twice as many kids coming after him.
But of course, if you keep beating up a kid for too long, he starts to get pissed.
Anger was the most comfortable outlet for Lloyd. It kept him going. He didn’t have time to feel sorry for himself in a place like Darkley’s. So he held onto his spite like a lifeline, hoping it would be enough to keep him afloat.
Then Pythor happened. For the first time, he thought he had made a friend .
Okay, maybe not a friend. But he at least thought that Pythor didn’t hate him.
And he may not have the most experience in the friends category, but he had enough to know that friends don’t cosy up to you just to throw you to the wolves when it suits them most.
And that was Lloyd’s first taste of betrayal.
Betrayal from Pythor hurt worse than being pushed around by kids on the playground, because at least the kids had the decency not to pretend they liked him first. At least with them, he always saw the hits coming.
When the ninja took him in, he swore to himself that he would never trust them. At the time, he had hated them to no end, still reeling from the events that landed him there, and he knew they didn’t like him either. Lose-lose. Fine by him. They only tolerated him because his uncle forced them to. They wouldn’t miss him if he ran away.
At the first sign of danger, as soon as he fulfilled whatever hidden agenda they had, they would throw him away with the trash. He knew they would. Every night, he slept with one eye open, waiting for the perfect opportunity to leave; but someone else always seemed to be awake, and his ten-year-old brain could only go so long without sleep.
In the volcano, he thought he was going to die. When he saw Kai’s eyes darting between him and the fangblade, he already knew what Kai would choose, and it wasn’t going to be him. No matter how much he pleaded, internally, he had already given up. This was his reckoning, for daring to stay with these people even though he should have walked away on the first night, because somewhere, in the back of his mind, he was still wishing for a family. He was still hoping someone might care.
But then, in one, fluid motion, Kai had an arm wrapped around his tiny body, holding him protectively close to his chest before warning him to, “ hold on tight, kid! ” Lloyd wasn’t too sure what happened after that because, truth be told, he had squeezed his eyes shut and prayed to the First Master that they were both going to make it out alive.
Lloyd still had faint burns marks on his torso. He remembered the time Kai saw them, the way he turned pale and looked like he was going to be sick.
“I did that?” His voice broke ever so slightly.
Lloyd didn’t want to tell him he did it. They were in a volcano! it could’ve been anything. But if he remembered one thing, it was Kai’s searing grip. So instead he guided him to sit down, before saying, “Without you, I wouldn’t even be here right now.”
Lloyd could never be more grateful for his family. Even now, he knew he would’ve been long gone without them.
Maybe that’s why it hurt so badly when he realised he didn’t trust them like he used to. Little things, like being in his blind spot, or telling him they’ll do something. He found himself double and triple-checking locks on doors and safety guards and who was with him and who wasn’t and who was supposed to be where and when and how.
It was driving him insane.
Even in death, Harumi was taunting him, driving a wedge between him and the people he loves. He saw her in the mirror, flashing that sickeningly sweet smile. It was almost like she knew.
He was jolted out of his thoughts when someone yelled his name.
“Lloyd, are you up there?” Nya’s voice cut through the quiet of the evening.
He hesitated before replying. He came here to be alone. “Yeah.”
There was a sound of shuffling before Nyas’s head popped up over the roof. “Zane says dinner is ready.”
“I’m not hungry.”
She sighed, climbing all the way up to sit in front of him. “You need to eat.”
“I will. Later,” he lied effortlessly.
“No, you won’t,” Nya replied bluntly. At his averted gaze, her voice softened. “You can’t keep skipping meals, Lloyd. It’s not healthy.”
“I know that,” he insisted. “It’s just…” It’s not the food. The idea of being surrounded by too many people still made him feel jumpy. His entire family would be crammed into the kitchen and the dining table in the adjoining space. It would be crowded, and knowing his family, it would be loud.
It never used to feel crowded before.
Nya took a long look at him before saying, “It’s her, isn’t it?”
“Who else?” Lloyd asked, suddenly feeling bitter. He unconsciously pulled his knees in closer to his body, feeling a familiar distress cloud over his mind.
Nya stood up.
“What’re you doing?”
She sat down next to him, wrapping her arms around her knees as well. “Alright,” she said. “Tell me about Harumi.”
He forced himself not to flinch at her name.
“I can’t,” he mumbled.
“Just try,” she said. “Get it off your chest.”
He opened his mouth, then closed it again. How was he supposed to tell her about the paranoid voice in the back of his head, the nagging self-doubt that crept up on him out of nowhere, or the dark cloud hanging over him, casting a shadow that looked more like Harumi every single day, without sounding schizophrenic?
So instead, all that came out was a hollow, “I should be over this by now.”
“Frankly, I’d be more concerned if you were,” Nya responded. “She did a terrible thing, Lloyd. You’re allowed to process it in your own time.”
“It shouldn’t take this long!” He exclaimed in frustration. “I hate her, she hates me, end of story.” Hated , he corrected himself internally, albeit painfully. She hated me .
Nya looked at him knowingly. “Do you miss her?”
“I just said I hate her.”
“You can hate her and miss her at the same time.”
There was a moment’s silence.
“I miss who I thought she was,” Lloyd said quietly. “She wasn’t real, but I still miss her. And even after that, I thought I could change her mind.”
“She was hell-bent on getting revenge,” Nya said, pulling Lloyd into a half-hug. “I don’t think there was anything anyone could’ve said to change her mind.”
“I should’ve tried harder.”
Nya’s grip tightened protectively, reminiscent of how Kai had once held onto him in the volcano. “No. Despite everything she did, you did your best to fix things without hurting her. It was more than she deserved. None of this is your fault.”
Lloyd took a deep breath and leaned his head on Nya’s shoulder, taking in his older sister’s familiar scent. As far as he was aware, it would never stop feeling like his fault. How he loved, hated, missed and felt guilty about Harumi all at the same time eluded him. The conflicting mix of turmoil inside him made him want to fling himself off the monastery roof.
But for the moment, possibly for the first time in the week following the Oni invasion, the voice in the back of his head was quiet. He could trust Nya.
Right?