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He was supposed to be in Palmera City. His parents had sent him there to spend his gap year, so he was supposed to be there. He should be back at his tias’ diner already. He should be back with Brenda and Paco and Xiomara and Roma. But. After what he’d just done, after what he’d just let Khaji do, he didn’t think he could face any of them.
Peacemaker would’ve been disappointed in him. If he could still stand to look him in the eye. He’d let Khaji ruin that too. He had thought they were better now. That they could work together. That he wouldn’t risk losing control like that again.
But he had. And now Javier Basualdo’s blood was on his hands. He couldn’t blame everything on Khaji. It’s not like killing Blood Scarab hadn’t been the plan. He’d wanted to. To protect everyone, but still. He was going to kill Javier anyway. That didn’t stop him from suddenly wanting anything but that when he actually saw under the mask. Javier had told him to kill him. He hadn’t wanted to, then. He killed him anyway.
So he was in El Paso, sitting on the curb in front of his house, too scared to go in yet. Not sure if he could really be with his family after that. After he just killed someone. He wanted his dad. He usually went to him with dilemmas like this. There was a big difference between not being able to save someone he so desperately wanted to and following through on wanting someone dead.
He wanted to just collapse into his arms and have him tell him he was a good man. He knew that he wasn’t. But he also knew that there was nothing he wanted more right then than to hear his father tell him he was. He didn’t deserve it. He needed it.
Dios, how was he ever supposed to be in that house again. How was he ever supposed to trust himself again? No. He had no reason to be scared. He was stronger than that. He was better than the version of himself that had become Black Beetle. That had hurt Milagro.
Was he? Was he better than that, really? Had he not just taken a life? Was he really that much better than himself ? He wanted to tell himself he had no choice. He could’ve found a better way. He could’ve. He wanted to. He failed. He failed Javier. He failed himself. He had to be better than this. He had to do better. He had to make sure that that reality never came true. A world where he hurt Milagro was one that would never come true.
But now it wasn’t just himself he had to account for. He had Xiomara and Roma now. Xiomara was proud of herself, he could tell. Dynastes was her calling. Another way for her to help people. She was going to be good at it. He could be happy to fight besides her. Then there was Roma. They could all tell she wasn't in it. He couldn’t bring himself to blame her, though. He hadn’t wanted this either when he started. It wasn’t like there was a way to stop being a beetle.
If there was, Roma would have the easiest time with it. Roma had a little less at stake. She was less bonded with Nol Dar too. If he were to try to remove Khaji, though he dreaded the idea, it would probably rip his spinal cord and nervous system out with it. Getting rid of Ohm Ecs would leave Xiomara gutted. Even… Javier. Chances were, the scarab was attached to his heart. Roma, comparatively, had gotten off easy. It felt strange to call any scarab easy.
Khaji certainly wasn’t. She was his best friend. They’d been working together for years. Host and parasite, close as can be. He thought they’d left behind the idea of her turning him into a weapon for death in Junior Year. She was still overly inclined to violence and a literal weapon of mass destruction fused to his spine. But she was also his friend. His partner. And he’d thought that because of that he could trust her entirely.
He was wrong. Shepherd Ood had said she was scared. He’d never known Khaji to be afraid. Maybe Blood Scarab had been the first thing to scare her. He’d scared him too. Javier looked afraid of it even more than either of them. Hopefully he didn’t have to be scared anymore, padre nuestro en el cielo .
<<What is the objective of being here, Jaime Reyes>>
“I don’t know, Khaji. I really don’t know. To clear my head? Maybe? I don’t know. Haven’t been doing too much of that,” he sighed. Khaji had long since put down the armor, back to something acceptable for him to be wearing on the curb of his family home. Probably for the best.
<<We have a shift in the morning>>
“Wow, so now we’re in this together. Where was that in the arena?” he snapped at her. In the back of his mind, he felt her bristle.
<<We have always been ‘in this together’>>
“You killed him.”
<<I did it to protect us>>
“Yeah, ‘us.’ We killed him,” he looked down at his hands.
<<I could not allow Kha-Ef-Re to access my weaponry>>
“And who cares what happened to the guy he possessed.”
<<Blood Scarab would only have gotten to my weaponry by killing you, Jaime Reyes>>
He didn’t bother answering. It didn’t matter. They’d still done it. Khaji was scared for herself just as much as she was scared for him. So she made them kill. He never wanted to do that again. He could never do that again. He couldn’t do it.
He needed his father to tell him he was a good man. He pulled himself from the curb, grounding himself with the feeling of the rough cement on his hands. He sighed. The house looked warm. The lights were on. The sun was setting around him, a blanket falling over the day. He walked himself up the driveway.
Saying a silent prayer, he knocked on the door. He needed his father to tell him he was a good man.