Chapter Text
This morning seemed fairly normal. I was a bit more tired than normal, but I had an eventful weekend with Charlie’s birthday at the bowling alley and my talk with Imogen. I lay in my bed in a blissful state between sleep and awake. The peace was suddenly interrupted by a pounding on my door:
“Nick, c’mon, you need to wake up or both of us are gonna be late!” my mum’s voice shouts from the hallway, right outside my door. Confused, I flip over to check my phone; I try the power button three times when the low battery message pops across the screen.
Great.
Begrudgingly, I roll out of bed and start my typical morning routine. I am still half-asleep as I clamber into the passenger seat of my mum’s car. We spend the car ride in tired silence until she drops me off,
“Have a good day, remember you’re walking home after rugby today, okay?” my mum calls out as I leave, and I at least grace her with a mumbled response, rubbing the remnants of sleep out of my eyes as I leave the car park.
As I get closer to the school gate, I notice a quiet rumble of whispers and a couple of stares.
Ok, that’s a bit strange.
Deciding to ignore it, I walk closer to the table containing the rugby lads. As I approach the table, Harry steps in front of me:
“How was your date with Imogen? Or were you too busy kissing that gay kid at the bowling alley to even remember?”
Shit.
“What?”
“You know what I’m talking about, someone posted a photo of you and Charlie Spring snogging on Insta.” He spits out Charlie’s name with such venom that I would argue if my heart wasn’t going a billion beats per minute. I need to get out of here.
Without responding, I push past Harry and the small group that has formed. I just need to get inside, then I can breathe. When did breathing become so hard?
My breathing picks up more and more as I walk through the school. I have no idea where I’m going, my vision is getting blurry, but my legs carry me there anyway.
Suddenly, I am faced with the door to the art room and Mr. Ajayi by my side. He seems to ask me a question, but I can’t hear him over the ringing in my ears. His hands find my shoulders and guide me into the room,
“Everyone knows,” I croak out. The tears start falling faster, I didn’t even realize I was crying until now,
“Everyone knows, everyone knows, everyone knows,” my voice keeps repeating this phrase faster and faster as my breathing picks up.
Mr. Ajayi gently guides me to the floor as I chant and my breathing is so rapid I feel like I might pass out. I can see his mouth moving but I still can’t hear him–I’m so scared. I can’t breathe. I’m going to pass out. Am I having a heart attack? Everyone knows. I can’t see anything. Why is everything so blurry? I don’t even know who I am and everyone knows. Everyone knows.
Something cold is placed on the back of my neck and it pulls me out of the trance of racing thoughts. Mr. Ajayi appears in front of me again, still blurry:
“Hey, hey, I need you to breathe. Can you do that for me, Nick?” His voice is gentle but insistent, I nod,
“Okay, breathe in,” I take a shaky but deep breath in, he smiles a little, “and out.”
My breath comes out a little shaky, but my mind seems to clear just a bit more,
“Good, you’re doing great, let's do a few more,”
Mr Ajayi guides me through a few more breaths, my thoughts slowing down more and more each time,
“Alright, Nick, can you tell me what’s going on?”
My eyes widen, I can’t tell him. He must have noticed my panic because he said:
“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me. I’m just worried,” I sigh in relief, “Why don’t we get you to the headmaster’s office, hmm?”
I nod and stand, Mr. Ajayi offering his hand to help me off the ground. He holds the door open for me and guides me down the hallway to the headmaster’s office. As we turn the corner, we are met with quite a sight.
Tao, Isaac, Christian, Sai, and Otis are on one side of the hallway, being held back by Coach Singh, and none other than Ben Hope is leaning against the lockers with a bloody nose and the beginnings of a black eye. Before I had any time to process the scene in front of me, Coach Singh announced:
“Alright, all of you, headmaster’s office, now .”
The small group of boys cowered and started walking toward the headmaster’s office. Coach Singh turns toward me:
“You okay?”
No. How could I be?
I just shake my head and continue on my way, making sure to keep a good distance from the group ahead of me. Isaac keeps turning his head to look at me, face tight with concern.
As we enter the office area, Coach Singh turns to us:
“You lot wait here,” she then points to Mr. Ajayi and me, “you two come with me.”
I follow her and Mr. Ajayi with my head down and sit quietly in a chair in front of Headmaster Barnes, refusing to look anywhere but at my shoes. Coach Singh stands in front of him and starts:
“Please tell me you’re–”
“I am already aware of the situation, Priya,” Headmaster Barnes interrupts her, “Thank you for your…passion…in taking care of the students involved, but I’ve got it from here.”
I hear her sigh, but sit down in the seat next to me; obviously unsatisfied with his answer.
“So, Nicholas, I am sure you are aware of certain events,” I just nod in response, “I would just like to say that the student responsible for this will have suitable consequences and we are all deeply sorry that this happened.”
“Thank you,” I manage to voice, barely above a whisper, “May I go home? I’m not sure I can deal with…all of that.”
“Yes, of course. We weren’t sure if that is something you’d want, given the nature of this…incident.” Headmaster Barnes turns and picks up his phone, mumbling something down the line, and hanging up.
“You may sit outside my office until your mother arrives, okay?”
“Thank you,” I mumble and walk out of his office.
My eyes are still trained on my shoes as I shuffle to a seat away from everyone else. I look up when I hear a scoff:
“Please, stop looking like a kicked puppy. You’re being so dramatic.” Ben looks at me, smirking with blood smeared on his face from his nose and bloody tissue in his hand.
“He’s not being dramatic, you’re being a prick,” Otis replies, “just shut up, you’ve done enough damage.”
“C’mon, it’s not that big of a deal,”
“ Not that big of a deal . Do you know what you could’ve caused? He could get seriously hurt or bullied. It is a big deal.” Tao argues back, voice raising just enough to make my breathing start to pick up again.
“Just because you care about these fags getting bullied, doesn’t mean I do,” Ben states, a smirk still on his face.
Suddenly, Tao jumps out of his seat, and a loud smack is heard as his fist makes contact with Ben’s head. Ben falls out of his chair but grapples Tao down to the floor with him.
The sound of their punches landing is the only noise I can hear. I can feel my chest tightening again.
“STOP!” I suddenly yell, “Please, just…stop.”
My chest is rising and falling rapidly, but I feel like there is not enough air in the room. Tears start falling down my face again and my mind goes blank.
The only things I am aware of are the crushing feeling in my lungs and the rapid pounding of my heart. My head starts swimming and my vision starts going black around the edges. God, please don’t let me pass out, haven’t I already been through enough today?
A familiar voice sounds through the chaos:
“Hey, Nick, it’s okay. You’re gonna be okay. You just need to breathe. I’ll help you, okay?”
All I can do is nod.
“Okay, we’re just gonna breathe in…and out,” I say, following his voice. My vision starts to clear, and I see a head of black curly hair in front of me. “You’re doing great. Can we do it again?”
After a few more deep breaths, his face becomes clear. It’s Charlie. My Charlie. He’s kneeling in front of my seat and holding both of my hands.
“There we go, just keep doing that, I’m gonna sit right next to you.”
He lets go of my hands and rises to the seat next to me, placing his arm around my shoulder. I relax into his touch.
When I finally looked around the room, I noticed it was empty,
“Where did everyone go?” I mumble, not having enough energy to use my full voice,
“They’re in the office, Coach Singh came out when she heard you shout and pulled all of them in,”
“Oh…When’d you get here?”
“Not long after the fight started,” his hand starts tracing invisible circles on my arm, “I had to practically jump over Tao and Ben to get to you.”
“Hmm,” I hum in response, eyes shutting in an attempt to quell the exhaustion that had washed over me.
I am pulled out of my exhausted daze by my mother’s voice and another woman’s voice that I don’t recognize:
“I am not quite sure why they called me, Nick never does anything to get in trouble, and they wouldn’t tell me on the phone.”
“I’m not sure, they didn’t tell me on the phone either,” the unfamiliar woman’s voice replies. I lift my head off Charlie’s shoulder and scoot away before they turn the corner. My mum walks up to me:
“Nick, honey, what happened? They wouldn’t tell me on the phone.”
I stand up and hug her,
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you,” my voice is soft and probably muffled against her shoulder, but tears do not leave my eyes again. I’m probably dehydrated.
“Please, just tell me, what’s going on?” She pulls my head off her shoulder and places her hands on the sides of my head.
The door of the office creaks open loudly, Headmaster Barnes’ head poking out from behind it: he waves us in. Tao, Isaac, Christian, Sai, and Otis leave the office as we enter–leaving only one other student in there: Ben Hope.
I take the seat farthest away from him and my mum sits next to me. After Headmaster Barnes takes his seat, a moment of awkward silence passes before he speaks:
“Now, Ms. Nelson, I have called you here because this student,” he gestures toward Ben, “has posted a…semi-compromising…photo of your son that has been spread around the school.”
I see my mum send me a concerned look out of the corner of my eye. He definetly could’ve phrased that better.
“I will leave it up to Nick if he wants to tell you the content of the photo, but from what I know the situation has caused great deal of stress and I think it would be best if he returns home for the rest of the day.”
I see my mum nod and ask,
“And what are you doing to discpline this student?”
“I cannot discuss in detail, but I will let you know that he will have suitable consuquences for his actions.”
My mum hums in response, accepting the answer but still obviously displeased.
“May we leave now?” I ask, practically begging.
“Yes, you may leave.” Headmaster Barnes replies.
I hear my mum mutter ‘thank you’ as we both stand up to leave. As we leave the office, Tao perks up and attempt to start a conversation–probably to apologize–but I walk away before he can even begin. My mum’s concerned stare bores a hole into the into the side of my head the entire walk to the car. I can tell she has a lot of questions, but she keeps them to herself.
As we get into the car, she finally voices:
“You don’t have to tell me anything, but just know that I am here for you–If you’d like to talk.”
I keep my eyes forward, and take a deep breath. I can do this. She’ll probably find out anyway.
“The photo was of me kissing Charlie at his birthday party. He and I have been going out for a couple weeks. We haven’t told anyone yet because…”
I take another deep breath–although it was shakier than the one before,
“I don’t even know who I am–what I identify as, but now everyone knows the only thing I truly know about myself–that I like Charlie. I really like him.”
My mum pulls the car off into a small parking lot and turns to me. I turn to meet her eyes for the first time since she came into the office.
“It’s okay to take time to figure yourself out. I am so sorry that someone took that time away from you. I am so sorry that someone took your decision to tell people who you really are away from you.”
She grabs my hands, and looks me in the eyes with such sincerity that it draws the final few tears I have in my body to my eyes again.
“And I want you to know that I love you, no matter what. No matter who you love, or what you identify as, or if you don’t choose to identify with any label at all. I love you. Okay?”
“I love you too,” my voice is barely audible, because if I speak any louder, I will start sobbing, “thank you.”