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A guttural scream had Sirius immediately dropping his cup. He watched it fall and shatter almost in slow motion, though he didn’t give two shits about it. All he cared about was the source of the sound. He could worry about the cleanup later.
Sirius pelted down the hallway of their quaint flat until he reached the stairs. He took them two at a time in an effort to cover more ground. The screaming continued even after Sirius burst through the door, nearly knocking the door right off its hinges. He could’ve easily used magic, yet his mind was so frazzled that he couldn’t even conceive the idea of conjuring up a spell even if he tried.
His eyes widened in arm as he saw Remus writhing in bed, fingers clawing at his throat and chest, almost tearing his nightshirt to shreds. His feet flexes, calves tangling with the sheets.
“Rem?” Sirius abandoned all caution and flung himself forward onto the bed. He wrapped his arms around Remus’s body and used his own body weight to press him back against the headboard. Flailing hands turned on him until Sirius took his wrists in his own hands and pulled them away from Remus’s body. “Remus? Remus! Listen to me. It’s alright, love. Shhh, shhhh, you’re alright.”
Remus’s head shook to and fro in despair. “M’gonna change,” he mumbled weakly. “I can feel it.”
Sirius felt a hint of panic as he surveyed his surroundings. Their master bedroom wasn’t the place for it, but as quickly as those thoughts appeared, logic took over.
“No, no, it’s not possible, mate,” Sirius assured as he pressed his forehead to Remus’s to stop the thrashing. “Rem, you’ve taken your Wolfsbane, yeah? That means you won’t change.”
Remus ripped his head away from Sirius and stared up at the ceiling. “I can feel him, Siri. I can feel him inside of me and he wants out!”
Sirius thought fast. The more Remus worked himself up, the more dangerous for both of them this could be. He had no doubt that Remus would ever hurt him intentionally, but when he was this wild, there was no telling what may happen.
“I know it feels that way,” Sirius repeated, feeling at a lose of what else he could say. “But Moony is just acting out. You can’t transform. Honey, it’s not even the full moon yet. I promise that everything is okay.”
Remus mumbled to himself as weakness overcame him. He no longer fought against Sirius, but Sirius could tell that he still desperately wanted to. His strength was not nearly what it once was. Even now he had to use a cane on good days and full on arm crutches on the bad. How he even had enough pent up endurance to fight Sirius as hard as he did would always be a mystery. Sirius refused to believe that it could actually be Moony giving him some of his power. That would just be far too simple.
“Siri…..”
“Right here. I’m not going anywhere.” Sirius shifted so that he was no longer on top of Remus. He was ready to leap on him again if he showed anymore sighs of turning on himself, while trying to make it look like he was as calm as ever.
Remus pulled at the collar of his shirt almost rhythmically until his motions grew more urgent. His hand started to curl as fatigue set in.
“Do you want it off? You don’t have many of these left, so let’s try not to ruin all of them, yeah?” Sirius offered a kind smile as he reached for the bottom and pulled the shirt over his head. He tossed it aside and tried not to look at the numerous gashes and half healed scars that danced across Remus’s chest and abdomen. His back was no better if Sirius could recall, though that wasn’t something he was about to tell the other wizard. “There, handsome as ever.”
Remus didn’t even react as he slumped back against his pillows, chest heaving with each shuddering breath. “M’don’t like the Wolfsbane,” he croaked after a moment.
“How come?”
Remus raised his hand and tapped two fingers against his heart. “Feels weird, right here.”
“Maybe we can see another healer? They’ve got to have something better if it’s making you feel this…..unsettled.”
A look of defeat shone on Remus’s face. His eyes took on an almost vacant expression as his head lolled to the side to stare at the opposite wall. His breathing grew shallow, yet Sirius knew he was far from being sleep.
“Oh, love.” Sirius reached out apprehensively to take Remus’s hand in his own. He brushed the calloused knuckles with his own rough pads of his fingers. He felt like he knew every inch of Remus’s body, and didn’t know what he would do if he had to lose even one more moment away from Remus. “We’ll find something that works better than the Wolfsbane. We can—“
“Sirius….”
Sirius stopped talking the moment he heard Remus’s soft voice. The werewolf had turned back to look at him with sorrow on his face. “You know there’s nothing else,” he breathed after a moment. “They don’t do research on my condition. This….this is the best I got.”
“There has to be something more. There has to,” Sirius protested as he squeezed Remus’s hand a little harsher than he meant. “I hate to see you go through this, love.”
Remus shook his head gravely. “There’s not much that can be done, I’m afraid. Just ignore what I said earlier. I was not in the right headspace.”
Stifling a sigh, Sirius lifted Remus’s hand to his mouth and gave it a light kiss. He then tucked it back at Remus’s side before lifted the covers to slide in beside him. He pulled Remus close, relieved when the small man didn’t attempt to pull away. His arm wrapped around Remus’s chest, hand hanging listlessly against where Remus’s heart was. He could feel the steady beat and wondered how much of that was due to Remus himself or the wolf fighting for control.
“What’s it like,” Sirius pondered.
“What is what like?”
“Being on the Wolfsbane. I can see it from the outside and I’ve seen how the wolf reacts, but how does it really feel?”
Remus grew quiet, hardly even breathing. Sirius told himself that he would let Remus have time to answer the question, but the more time dragged on, the more Sirius realized he couldn’t wait.
“Or you don’t have to tell me. I’m overstepping, aren’t I?” Sirius’s stomach churned in discomfort. How he had been so stupid to ask that question?
Remus gave his head a tiny shake against Sirius’s shoulder. “No, it’s just no one has asked me that before. I’m not sure I know how to answer.”
Sirius kissed Remus’s brow, savoring his familiar feel and smell. “I shouldn’t have asked, love. Forget I said anything, alright?”
“No. No. I want—no need to answer.”
Sirius knew better than to interrupt Remus when he had his mind set on something. His thoughts didn’t always come as quickly as they once had, meaning that Sirius had to be patient enough to allow Remus to have the space to answer. He was learning to do better at that, as waiting had never really been his strongest suit.
Just when Sirius felt like he might burst with anticipation, Remus twisted his neck so that he could rest his cheek on Sirius’s shoulder. “It feels like I’m watching myself from above, like I’m a spectator in my own life. I can see what I’m doing, yet I can’t do anything about it. A life is burrowed so deep inside of me that it’s entangled in every nerve, every cell, and is just always fighting for dominance. One of these days I feel like he’ll win no matter how much potion they force down my throat.”
“We don’t mean to force anything on you, Rem. We just thought it would be better than the alternative, right? I mean he’s destroying your body,” Sirius practically wailed.
Remus let out a soft chuckle. “Yes, I’m well aware of that too. I just feel like I’m constantly under a spell when under the influence of the Wolfsbane. I don’t even know who I am anymore.”
“You’re Remus Lupin.”
“Yes, I realistically know who I am. I just don’t feel like I’m me anymore.” Remus’s brow knit in frustration, head shaking against Sirius’s shoulder. “I wish I could be more specific, but my head…..”
Sirius watched as Remus started to rub his left temple. However, as soon as he noticed the compulsiveness at which Remus was running, he immediately intercept the behavior before it could escalate. “Okay, that’s enough. You’ve done enough for today, alright? I don’t want you getting agitated.”
To Sirius’s relief, Remus didn’t fight him on it. If anything he finally gave into his exhaustion after his adrenaline spike from earlier. His hand came to rest at his side, and once Sirius was sure he wouldn’t start on himself again, Sirius relaxed against his lover.
“Tell you what, why don’t you get some rest and if you’re feeling up to it, we can play a game of exploding snap when you wake up? Does that sound nice,” Sirius whispered as he threaded his fingers through Remus’s fringe. He tucked what he could behind Remus’s ear, ignoring the pang in his heart when he noticed how much was falling out. While that wasn’t a typical side effect of the Wolfsbane, Remus had been on it long enough that Sirius was sure that it could cause implications that hadn’t been known before.
Part of Sirius wanted to see if he could wriggle his way free as he reminded that the glass and tea was still splattered all over the kitchen floor. However, feeling Remus so heavy and calm against him as he drifted off into quite possibly the most peaceful sleep he had in days, made the idea of moving inconceivable.
Sirius continued to brush his fingers through Remus’s hair, only pausing when Remus shifted higher against the crook of his neck for a more comfortable position. He could’ve maneuvered Remus into actually laying down, but selfishly he liked his lover just where he was. He often feared that Remus was slipping away faster than he cared to admit. The idea of losing him was reprehensible and yet it was something that Sirius knew that he may one day have to consider.
For now he would always be by his side, no matter what the Wolfsbane did to him He would research as many alternatives that he could to make Remus feel more like himself again. The road may be long and feel like its impossible to navigate, but Sirius had spent 12 years away from Remus, and he wasn’t about to waste a single second.