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Maverick’s knee bounced high as his leaned forward, staring at the opposite wall. His back was hunched, elbows almost rested on his knees, or at least they would’ve been if he could stop shaking. Sweat collected on the back of his neck and threatened to drip down his brow. Despite the loose clothing he had meticulously settled on before he came, he felt uncomfortable as if he wanted to peel his skin from his bones and race off someone else.
“Honey?”
Maverick let out a sharp intake of breath when he felt a hand come to rest on his bobbing knee. It took a few moments before Maverick’s heart rate finally came back down so that the roaring in his ears was replaced by his husband’s soothing voice.
“Honey, are you still with me,” Ice questioned with a worried tilt of his head.
Maverick immediately straightened, shoulders pushed back and eyes suddenly bright. “Yeah, of course. Where else would I be?”
Ice said nothing in response as if knowing whatever else Maverick said, he would be speaking right out of his ass. Instead, he nodded in understanding and sat back, hand still rested on Maverick’s knee. It had stopped its bouncing, though Ice couldn’t resist squeezing tightly as if that would ward off the worst of Maverick’s jitters. Maverick’s hand came down hard on Ice’s own and held him like a lifeline.
“Thomas Kazansky.”
Maverick jumped to his feet first, almost knocking Ice off of his. Ice grumbled to himself as he brushed past his lover with Maverick quick at his side. The dark haired pilot tried not to look around at the other people in the waiting room.
It was new for Maverick to be in a more civilian hospital. After Ice’s tests and biopsies, the base doctor had refereed him to a specialist. Maverick couldn’t even pronounce the title, and to see so many various types of people in different stages of their lives, rocked Maverick harder than he expected. Part of him felt like speaking to each and everyone of them to hear their life stories. Unfortunately, he didn’t have the time for that.
“Mav,” Ice hissed when Maverick froze.
With a firm shake of his head, Maverick headed back after Ice. He tried to keep his mind open as he walked down the short and winding hallways. There was no way that he would be able to make it out of here without some assistance, and just that fact made agitation pool in Maverick’s stomach.
When they finally turned the corner into one of the office rooms, Maverick felt his heart drop. This wasn’t a normal exam room, one that had a metal table and various sterile instruments. No, this one held a desk with numerous displays of various models that Maverick couldn’t even determine what they were. Various plaques were hung on the back wall, outlining some real achievements. Still, all Maverick could focus on was the somber looking man sitting in an office chair at the center.
“Mr. Kazansky. Mr. Mitchell, please have a seat.”
A rush of agitation threatened to overwhelm Maverick, and have him saying something he was bound to regret. Instead of speaking, he hurried to one of the chairs beside Ice. All he wanted to do was reach out and hold his hand, but Ice kept his hands folded on his lap and Maverick didn’t want to startle him.
“How are the two of you doing today,” the doctor questioned.
Ice nodded. “Alright, and you?”
“I’m doing well.”
‘Can’t we just get on with it,’ Maverick thought bitterly. They were here for medical testing results, not out to lunch with an old friend.
“I’m sure you two are anxious to hear the results of the biopsy,” the doctor continued as he flipped through Ice’s chart in front of him.
A lump rose in Maverick’s throat until he saw Ice’s hand migrate towards him. He didn’t hesitate to grip it surely and brush his fingers along the back of his hand. No matter what the doctor was about to say, they could face it together as they had always. This was just one more thing, right?
“As you know, we took a one centimeter biopsy in two areas of concern and sent them to the lab.” The doctor took in a deep breath as he faced them fully. “It did show signs of malignant growth consistent with squamous cell carcinoma of the larynx with glottic involvement. There is also potential for subglottic evolvement as well, though we will have a better gage on that if we pursue surgery to remove it.”
“Throat cancer,” Ice breathed out, voice trembling.
“Remove it? You’re not going to remove part of his throat, are you,” Maverick immediately questioned. It felt as though his whole world was crashing down and he felt like he was going to be sick. He had to be strong for Ice, even when every ounce of himself wanted to run the other way.
The doctor shook his head empathetically. “No, that is not my plan, Mr. Mitchell. We would merely remove the carcinomas along the larynx and the other areas where it may have spread. Afterwards we can discuss the need for radiation and chemo.”
Ice seemed to hardly be listening. His head turned to the side away from Maverick, eyes closed. “I have cancer.”
“You do, but I’m fairly optimistic it is treatable,” the doctor encouraged.
Another thought, albeit a selfish one invaded Maverick’s mind. His mouth went dry at the prospect of even voicing it. However, he knew that if he didn’t, it would be something that would eat away at him for the rest of his life.
“Will he still be able to talk?”
The doctor folded his hands and rested it on the desk in front of him. “I can’t fully say how this all will effect the vocal cords or voice box. I know that if we do nothing, Tom’s prognosis is grim. While we will try and save as much as we can, there is no way to predict how much those areas will be effected.”
“So you don’t know,” Maverick flashed, anger hardening his voice.
Ice’s head snapped back to glare at his husband. “Maverick,” he practically growled.
Maverick glowered as he sunk into his seat. His hand pulled away from Ice’s as he gripped his thighs hard and squeezed. This couldn’t be happening. He wouldn’t, couldn’t, lose Ice to this. How could everything that Ice had been working for be taken away from him because of something like this?
“We could discuss other options, but surgery would be the one I would recommend first.”
A fresh wave of sudden grief rose inside Maverick and the moment he closed his eyes, he saw Goose in front of him, floating in the ocean. His neck was craned at an awkward angle, blood trickling from his lips. No breath lifted his chest and the more Maverick clung to his body, the colder he became. Maverick could remember screaming into the vastness of the world around him and swore that the whole Navy had felt his grief.
“Maverick?”
Maverick was so stuck in his own head that he hadn’t realized Ice had spoken to him. Both Ice and the doctor were looking at him expectantly as if they were expecting some sort of answer. He couldn’t give them one, that was for damn sure.
“I can’t…..M’sorry. I can’t.” Maverick gripped the edges of the chair hard before scrambling to his feet. His knee struck the corner of the desk, sending a few objects rattling on the surface.
Ice reached out for him as he staggered to the door. “Mav, wait!”
Maverick hardly heard him as he shouldered open the door and staggered out. He was met with the confused looks from various nurses and other staff, yet Maverick didn’t care. It made him feel all the more caged and he let out a low whine before twisting in the direction he had first came. How he made it out of the tangle of hallways into the waiting room, he didn’t know, but the moment that door opened, he darted to the nearest exit as he heard the blood roaring in his ears.
He fumbled for his keys in his pocket, just barely unlocked the door in time that he pulled on the drivers side door. He slipped in and closed the door behind him, locking it for good measure.
Maverick’s breath came in desperate pants, the entire world feeling as though it was slipping from his fingers. His hands rubbed over his face in an attempt to snap him out of it. Nothing could make any of this okay and the thoughts were overwhelming him.
What if Ice died?
“No. No. No. No!” Maverick rammed his fists against the steering wheel. He then gripped it hard as he rocked back and forth hard as if trying to rip it right from the car. His lungs practically burst as he screamed until his throat burned in protest. A fierce, involuntary breath surged through him, feeling as though it had paralyzed him. Hot tears burned in his eyes until he finally let them fall, racing down his cheeks and sliding down his throat.
“You can’t fucking do this,” he roared, punching the center console. “You already took Goose and now you want to take Ice from me too, huh? You think that I can fucking handle this? Because I can’t! I’m tired of being the strong one! Always left behind!” Maverick kicked his legs out until he struck something solid. Balled fists struck at his head, hardly caring how much damage he may cause.
Another guttural scream tore through him until he heard a soft knock on the passenger side door. He finished his scream with a choked gasp, and when he twisted his head to look, he saw the familiar stormy gray and worried eyes. Shame rose inside him like a crashing ocean wave, so sudden and harsh that Maverick was hardly able to focus on anything other than the horror within.
The knocking continued, this time with more urgency. The last thing that Maverick wanted was to cause the man outside anymore stress than he already had. That was the only reason he slammed his finger down on the unlock the doors. The moment the locks sprang open, the passenger door opened and Ice climbed through, door slammed behind him in his wake.
“I know you’re here to chew me out, and you should, “Maverick croaked. All cockiness that he usually possessed had drained from his body, leaving a mess of a man in its place. “But I—“
Whatever words Maverick wanted to say were immediately silenced as Ice reached over and engulfed Maverick in a strong hug. Maverick was momentarily stunned at Ice’s display of affection. He was expecting anger, a scolding, or something more intense. A hug and a kind word was not what he thought was about to happen. The tightness of the hug, the smell of Ice was too much as Maverick continued to sob, tears wet against Ice’s shoulder.
“It’s okay. Everything is going to be okay,” Ice encouraged as he pet the back of Maverick’s neck, where the short hairs stuck out from his neck. He wanted to savor Maverick’s touch just as much as Maverick needed his.
Maverick’s head shook against Ice’s shoulder. “How can you say that,” he wailed in despondence. “How can you promise that?”
“Because I have to,” Ice cried. For the first time, Maverick felt Ice’s tears on him and his heart sunk once more. “Because I need to convince myself too, because I’m really fucking scared, Mav.”
Maverick seemed to shake himself free from his own grief to the reality of the situation. Ice shouldn’t have been comforting him when he was the one who received the news that he had cancer. Despite what Maverick felt about being strong for so long, he didn’t have a choice. Ice needed him and he would be damned if he wasn’t that person for his husband.
“I’m here for you,” Maverick breathed as he took Ice’s cold hands in his own. He lifted them to his face and kissed each chilled knuckle. “I’ll always be here for you, I promise you that. We’re going to fight this and I promise I won’t crumble.”
“I don’t need you to be strong forever. I just need you to be you.”
Head reared back, Maverick snorted in genuine amusement. “I never thought you would say that to me. Does that give me permission to break a few more rules?”
Ice chuckled back, and once he pulled his hands free, he rested his hand against Maverick’s cheeks. His thumb briefly pulled on Maverick’s bottom lip before leaning forward and kiss Maverick hungrily. Maverick grinned wickedly and returned the kiss, shoulders pushed forward as he pressed into Ice, kissing hard at the corner of Ice’s mouth before pulling back and trailing small bites against Ice’s collarbone, strategically where he knew his his shirt and uniform would cover.
Before things could escalate any further in the parking lot, Maverick pulled back and stared up at Ice adoringly. “We can do this,” he breathed. “Can’t we?”
Ice bowed his head, chin curled hard on the top of Maverick’s hair. There he could smell Maverick’s shampoo, and feel the smaller pilot’s heart beating in sync with his.
“We can, and we will.”
Ice just hoped he was right.