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The thing is, Eddie knew a month ago.
It hadn’t even been anything big that prompted it. It was a Tuesday, half-way through a twenty-four and Chim was running circles around him on the simulator. It had been normal, fine. Weeks into the summer and he had only just begun to stop feeling the need to call Chris every second of the day. They’d started messaging, short snippy morning messages with loud full stops and an even louder lack of smileys from his son.
He'd sent his morning message, he’d eaten breakfast alone and dipped behind Buck’s open locker door to scare him in that morning. Routine, his new routine. Completely normal. Complaining, jamming his controller into Chim’s vision and still somehow loosing every race.
It had been completely normal, but in one second to the next his whole world had tipped.
Buck came up behind him, leaning on the back of the sofa so low that his breath tickled Eddie’s throat as he huffed a laugh and told him that hitting pedestrians was a criminal offense.
Eddie had turned then, indignation on his tongue and lost his words all at once. Because the sun was shining low through the skylights, the dust whipped up by their recent deep clean. It haloed around Buck’s curls, softer than before because May had marched up to Buck at Athena and Bobby’s housewarming and told him she was waging a war on his hair gel.
And thank god she did because Buck fucking glowed. He was smiling, cheeks pressed into his eyes and gazing down at Eddie like he was sharing a secret with him, all big teeth and open joy. There were freckles across his nose and cheeks, faint little grains of sand that told of hours of work out in the heat working in tandem next to Eddie.
Between one second and the next Eddie was violently hit with the realisation that he wanted to kiss his best friend.
He ran over five more pedestrians and crashed into a bakery, and barely even cared that Chim was losing it besides him cackling so loud even Buck couldn’t keep a laugh in.
He wanted to kiss Evan Buckley and he wanted to kiss him hard.
Eddie realised this a month ago. A month of staring at Buck across calls and wondering just how he could duck all six foot two of him behind the fire truck and kiss him stupid without being seen.
But he hasn’t kissed Evan Buckley yet, which is his main issue right now as Chris stares up at him from the luggage rack.
‘Dad?’ He asks, in that same blank tone he’s said everything so far.
‘Hmm?’
‘I thought Buck was picking me up?’
Eddie tries not to let his face sour. Buck was meant to pick Chris up after Chris blew up at his grandparents and called his dad in a panic that he wanted to be home. Eddie booked the flight, organised the escort just in case and all but threatened the airline that if there was a single scuff on Chris’ crutches they’d be put on blast on twitter.
He’d done everything but Chris had hesitated right before the call ended and asked in the new uncertainty of his if Buck could be there.
Eddie didn’t need to be told why. Chris was coming home because he’d come up against his grandparents patronising pushback and decided it was worse than his dad kissing his dead mom. Buck was a buffer, an easy out of having to make small talk. An out that Eddie only sort of resented because if he was really hoenst with himself having Buck there would calm his nerves too.
And so Eddie and Buck were due to pick Chris up from the airport and make idle talk about nature documentaries in the car. Except Buck came into work the day before looking like he was going mental rounds with himself and losing. And topped it off last night when he and Tommy had a fight that ended up with Buck on Maddie and Chimney’s couch a ‘blubbering mess’ according to the latter. Maddie had called Eddie early that morning and told him in no uncertain terms that her brother was hers to look after today.
‘This is my sisterly duty.’ She had told him solemnly at six that morning when Eddie asked around why Buck hadn’t picked up his calls. ‘I’ll send him to you when I’ve sorted him all out and then he can cry on your couch too.’
‘Why would you send him to me?’ Eddie had asked shoulders deep trying to get his socks out the dryer.
Maddie had hung up with a laugh.
And so Eddie was here, alone, without back up. And Chris’s face was souring with every second that passed without an obscure weather phenomenon being offered in peace.
He’s not saying it’s because he didn’t kiss Evan Buckley then and there in the firehouse loft and stopped whatever was happening between Tommy and Buck from festering. But he can’t help but think that if he had kissed Buck then maybe he’d be here right now helping Chris come home and not on Maddie’s couch hopefully in his post break up blues.
‘Dad.’ Chris repeats. It’s got that teenage twang to it. Eddie’s surprised to find it doesn’t bother him like it used to.
‘Sorry,’ he says, not sure what it’s for, ‘Buck had a situation last night, but we’ll see him soon, he should be at Hen’s.’
‘Situation?’ Chris repeated. ‘He’s not in hospital again, is he?’ He perks up as his suitcase dips down the ramp, sounding all too casual, ‘cause Denny said he’s filled the quota this year already.’
‘The quo—yeah no I don’t want to know. He’s got a relationship situation. Look, let me get that.’
Chris waves away his helping hand, hauling his suitcase up and off the conveyor. Eddie’s been relegated to crutch holder as Chris makes sure the airline hasn’t scuffed the pristine sides of his suitcase. Only then is Eddie allowed to take it, smoothly swapping the crutches for the suitcase handle and trying hard not to think about Buck.
They walk to the car in silence. It’s awkward but Eddie isn’t about to be the one to break it. It’s been nearly four months since he last saw his son, last hugged him, he’s not going to jeopardise his second chance before they’ve even left the airport.
Chris stops at the car, staring at the shining bonnet with a furrowed brow. ‘Why’s it so clean?’
Eddie blinks. ‘What?’
‘Did you clean the car?’ Chris repeats, gesturing widely at the shining paint. Eddie can’t tell if it’s disgust or awe written on his face, eyeing up the way the wind screen wipers lay flat on the screen instead of crooked like they had a month or so ago.
Eddie shrugs, hauling the suitcase into the boot and hoping Chris doesn’t see the flush on his neck. ‘Yeah.’
‘Why?’ Chris asks, and this time it absolutely it disgusted. ‘You never clean the car.’
‘I had a lot of free time.’ He offers lamely. It’s the truth really, but it feels like a cop out. Better than telling Chris he’d spent a weekend savagely scrubbing every inch of the car inside and out and Buck had found him in the drive way crying about the old fast food wrapper he’d found shoved into the foot well that Chris had claimed as his since he was nine.
Chris nods, but says nothing else. There’s a flash of something there, some kind of emotion that Eddie’s been trying to pry from him, but it’s gone just as quickly and Chris is bustling into the front seat.
The car ride to Hen and Karen’s is equally silent apart from a quiet conversation about music. Chim had convinced him to get one of the Bluetooth connections for his shitty old radio and Chris had actually smiled when he discovered it, shoving his phone in and playing songs Eddie didn’t recognise.
‘You sure you don’t want to go home first?’ He asks at a red light. A song has just finished, and the next one takes too long to start and so he becomes all too aware of the nervous tapping of his fingers on the steering wheel.
Chris shakes his head. He won’t look at Eddie, eyes firmly on the side window. ‘I want to see Denny it’s been like, months. He won’t stop talking about Mara, so obviously I gotta meet her.’
‘You want to play video games.’ Eddie teases before he can stop himself.
Chris huffs.
The light goes green and the next song starts with a crash of drums and something that sounds suspiciously like a trumpet.
Eddie wonders if he had kissed Buck would Chris be smiling right now. He knows the two of them had face timed, that Buck had kept his conversations surface level and led by Christopher. He doesn’t want to use his friend as a shield, but the near hour of silence is going to do him in long before Chris’ music taste does.
‘Is Buck going to be there?’ Chris asks eventually as they pull into Hen and Karen’s neighbourhood. ‘You said he had a situation.’
‘I’m not sure.’
Chris turns for the first time, and Eddie curses road safety that he can’t look at him too. Take in the ways his face has changed in such a short time, the shorter hair cut the just misses his ears.
‘You’re not sure.’ Chris repeats blandly. ‘You’re not sure. It’s Buck. You’re always sure.’
Eddie cringes. ‘Not always.’
‘Most of the time.’
Yeah, except this time because he wants to kiss him but Buck has been kissing someone else and Eddie’s a coward. ‘Why do you want to see Buck so bad?’
The confrontation deflates just like that. Chris sighs long and loud and deliberate. Yeah, Eddie thinks he could get over the teenage mannerisms pretty fast. ‘I wanted to give him a hug.’
‘A hug?’
‘For leaving him to deal with you all summer. He says you moped.’
‘I don’t mope.’ Eddie grumbled.
‘I told him that. My dad doesn’t mope, he broods.’
And it’s a joke. Eddie’s sure, because Chris hasn’t made a joke at him for months. And it’s at his expense but it’s the best thing he’s ever heard because there’s a hint of amusement and love there. He hasn’t fucked up so bad that Chris can’t even bare to waste energy insulting him anymore.
Eddie can work with that. Eddie’s worked with much less before.
It's easy to see which house is Hen’s because the line of cars trails up the road and leaves Eddie wondering how legal it is to park in someone else’s drive way. The answer is probably not, and he ends up inching onto the grass curb and praying that no neighbourhood watch enthusiasts will pick a fight over it.
Chris is already getting out the car, leaving Eddie to scramble for the soggy pudding he’d been tasked with bringing. Buck was supposed to help, but between the excitement of Chris coming home and his fight with Tommy Eddie wasn’t surprised to find he’d completely forgotten about it.
But Eddie had two working hands, a recipe and a bad case of anxiety induced insomnia. So he’d taken to the kitchen and made something that looked like the recipe picture if you squinted hard enough.
Chris squints. ‘It looks like puke.’ He says, and heads up the drive.
Eddie tucks the dish under his arm and hopes there’s a hungry bin somewhere he can dump it into before anyone sees it. He keeps a couple steps behind his son to give him space, and resists the urge to settle his hand on his shoulder as they come together and ring the bell.
Besides, Christopher is too tall to really do it naturally now.
The door flies open and Karen beams at them, Mara over her shoulder with a badly hidden curiosity directed at Chris. ‘Look at you!’ Karen cheers, ‘You’ve shot up!’
‘Maybe you just got smaller.’ Chris grins, and leans in for a hug. Outside of Buck Chris is closest to Karen and Hen these days, spending a lot of time with late shifts teaming up with Denny playing games and plotting all the things teenage boys plot. Karen had torn Eddie a new one when she found out about the mess of his dead wife romance, and then gone on to tear him a little bit extra.
Whilst Chris and Karen hug, Eddie’s left staring at Mara. She smiles at him, if a little awkward, before dropping her gaze to his pudding.
She doesn’t say anything, she’s much nicer than his son, but the look on her face tells him all he needs to know. It’s going in the bin before anyone else sees it.
Karen descends on him next, ushering him into the house with a side hug. ‘How was the journey?’
‘Alright.’ Chris grouches. ‘No bees. Dad was late.’
Which he wasn’t, not fully. But Eddie lets it slide for now. They agreed already that the Talks are gonna wait until the next day. His therapist, a guy called Harry who looked like he spent all his free time in the gym and had given Eddie a tiny dollar store shark toy to fiddle with on their first session, had advised they take it slow.
But don’t put it off. They’ve talked to this point, now it’s time to do it all face to face. Where neither of them can hang up and Eddie’s parents aren’t hovering over Christopher’s shoulder ready to whisk him away at the slightest hint of change.
And so Eddie and Chris right now are just a father and son and they have very normal simple priorities, like video games and soggy pudding and that chaotic round of hellos that comes with being late to your own party.
And kissing Evan Buckley. Which isn’t a priority until Eddie spots Buck across the room sporting the biggest grin in weeks and seemingly pretending like Maddie isn’t glued to his side protectively.
Chris sees him too, suddenly charging right past Chim’s open arms. He barrels into Buck with a grin and tucks his chin into the bear hug Buck engulfs him in. They sway side to side for a moment, before Chris is pulling back and gazing solemnly up at him. ‘Dad brooded in the car.’
‘He missed you.’ Buck says fondly, ruffling his hair in the way Chris has routinely batted him away from. ‘He’s had lot of brooding practise.’
‘I don’t brood.’ Eddie says, though he’s pretty sure neither hears him as they get whisked away by Maddie and a very excitable Jee-Yun to go find Denny and Hen in the kitchen.
‘You brood.’ Bobby chuckles, coming up behind him and patting his shoulder.
Eddie tucks the pudding further under his arm. Something squelches against the plastic wrapping.
‘How was the journey.’ Karen repeats lowly, calculating eyes on Eddie. She’s been doing that a lot, her and Eddie had found a common ground during drop offs and pick ups and impromptu babysitting and playdates when the boys were younger.
‘Alright,’ which isn’t a lie, ‘it’s just…it’s different. I knew it would be. I don’t know what to say.’
‘Not quite ready for it?’
Eddie stares at the shadow of Chris on the tile floor, at the way he can hear him laughing. He hasn’t heard Chris laugh properly yet, and he knew it wouldn’t be him who prompted it. He’s not kidding himself into believing Chris coming home fixes it all. Still there is a part of him that wants to try and fix it all right now, before he can fuck it up again. Before he does something worse and breaks the tentative bridge they’ve started building.
A traitorous part of him says that kissing Buck right now would do just that.
‘We’ll get through it.’ He assures. Himself or Karen he’s not sure. ‘I’m lucky he’s even home now. That’s what today it about.’
‘Come on Eddie, he wouldn’t stay away too long. That boy loves you a whole lot, and he knows you love him too.’
‘I hurt him.’ Eddie stresses, because he still can’t unsee the devastation on Chris’ face when he walked into a mirage of his dead mom. ‘I can’t ruin this chance, I won’t.’
‘You won’t.’ Karen sighs. ‘If you even think you might, you come right here and I’ll sort you out. We’ll crack out the good wine and I’ll remind you that you’re a good father. Just a shit boyfriend.’
Which is totally fair.
And reminds him another reason he can’t kiss Buck.
‘What’s that?’ A voice pipes up behind him. Someone shuffles around on the carpet and Hen comes into view, wrapping an arm around her wife and pressing a kiss briefly to her temple, eyes still on Eddie’s dish. ‘Eddie did you bring food?’
If he were a lesser man, he’d pass out to avoid answering. ‘No.’
‘Eddie, that’s a dish.’
‘It’s not.’
‘What did you make?’
‘Better question,’ Chim chimes in, and now everyone knows and Eddie’s kitchen nightmare is about to be put on display for the whole house to take a shot at, ‘what didn’t he make.’
‘It’s a pudding.’ He offers lamely. ‘It’s like, one of those ones you soak.’
‘It’s puke.’ Chris adds helpfully, grinning at them all from where he and Denny have quietly claimed the bean bags by the TV. ‘I think it might be poisonous.’
‘It’s not poisonous.’
Chim cocks his head, all innocent and open and Eddie can practically hear the cackle it’ll dissolve into when he sees it. ‘Go on then, let’s have a look.’
‘It’s really not—’
‘Jee-Yun made eggs yesterday Eddie it really can’t be any worse than that.’ Maddie tries, maybe aiming for assuring but it’s not the most moral boosting to be compared to a toddler’s cooking skills.
Slowly, very slowly Eddie presents his pudding.
‘Oh it’s worse.’ Chim cheers, ‘Maddie, Maddie. Come see it’s so much worse.’
‘Wow.’ Eddie deadpans.
‘Eddie.’ Bobby breathes in disbelief, his hand pressing into his chest like it might absolve the sin Eddie has clearly just presented him. ‘It doesn’t even look edible.’
‘It might not be.’ He admits.
Chim laughs, and somewhere along the line he’s snapped a picture of the sad sodden mess. ‘So it is poisonous.’
Eddie gives up. He ends up just holding the dish out for people to marvel at. Jee-Yun laughs at him the loudest, and Mara even manages a shy grin when Denny peers over the edge of the dish like it might jump out at him if he gets too close.
Eventually they decide he’s had enough ridicule, or rather Athena barks at them that the barbecue is lit and the group slowly starts to filter outside. Hen gives him one last hearty laugh and sends him off to bin it before it can come alive.
Buck is in the kitchen, filling a pitcher of ice water and sucking on one of the mint leaves from the plant Hen had grown unusually attached to since the summer.
He looks up when Eddie slides in, a smile playing on his lips already. He shifts to the side, leaving space for Eddie to come next to him on the counter. ‘Sorry, I’ll be out with the drinks in a sec.’
‘I’m not—I just need the bin.’
Buck quirks a brow. It’s unreasonably hot. He’s not even doing anything with it, it just jerks upwards in question, and Eddie wonders how many times he could kiss the birthmark that lays across it before Buck would laugh him off.
Eddie stamps that thought down. Distracts himself by looking back down at the mush in his tray and waves it in defeat at Buck.
‘What did you—’
Eddie tips it into the bin before Buck can finish the question, ignoring the way it flops into the bag with a heavy splat that makes Buck choke on his mint leaf laughing.
Buck spits it out into his palm, flicking it at the still open bin and sighs, a smile still tugging his lips. Eddie gets a better look at him now, the red hue around his eyes and the way he’s clearly not washed his hair at home. It frizzes out, the curly wiry and fluffy, one dips low over his eyebrow and Eddie wants to reach out and tuck it back up.
‘How are you doing?’ He asks, soft as he can without setting off the Buckley ‘I’m Fine’ Reaction.
Buck shrugs. He doesn’t look too upset, at the very least he doesn’t try to smile it away. ‘It sucked,’ he says, ‘but mostly for him? I found out some stuff he didn’t want me to know, and when he tried to do that—I don’t know how to say it—he does this thing where he talk to me like…I don’t even know.’
‘A child?’ Eddie offers, ‘he treated you like a child Buck.’
‘Yeah.’ Buck sighs. ‘I just thought maybe it was age thing, and you know I was all nervous about like coming out so late. And Maddie says there’s nothing wrong with it—’
‘There isn’t.’ Eddie assures.
Buck sends him a grateful smile. ‘I know. Hell everyone’s been telling me all day it doesn’t matter how or when I realised I was bi, just matters that I have. But with Tommy, it just felt like I was catching up on all these things. Like I was meant to know things but he never told me what, or when I wanted to go out, go explore all these spaces Hen thought I’d like, he never wanted that. Like he wanted to be the only one to show me things but he never did it? If that makes sense. God I sound like such an ass saying it like that.’
‘You don’t. I get it, I saw it. He treated you with kid gloves.’
‘Pretty much.’
‘You broke up?’ Eddie asks, edging closer as Buck’s fingers shake where they press into the jug he’s just made. He takes them, eases them down to the cool counter and taps between them.
‘Yeah. Not just about that. But the other stuff is Hen and Chim’s to tell you. Wish they’d told me earlier.’ He murmurs, wiping his eyes. ‘Fuck. I’m not crying.’
‘Oh clearly.’
‘Fuck off.’
‘And leave you to cry all alone?’ He knocks his shoulder into Buck’s rocking the two of them back into the counter as Buck lets out a wet sounding laugh. ‘What kind of friend would I be then.’
Buck shakes his head, but he’s still smiling and his eyes are watery but the tears stay back, so Eddie considers it a job well done.
Buck wipes at them, pressing his palms so hard that they leave white marks when he drops his arms. He leans back, taking their laced fingers with him and jerks his head out at to the garden. ‘Sorry I couldn’t make it. But it looks like Chris is alright.’
Eddie nods, snapping his gaze away from the way his best friend licks his chapped lips. ‘He seems so. He’s snipy, but we’ll figure it out. We’ve got this.’
'Say it like you mean it Diaz.’
Eddie shoves him. ‘Shut up.’
Buck puts his hands up in surrender, face softening. ‘And you? How are you feeling?’
‘Terrified.’ Cause he can always be open with Buck. He’s seen him at his rock bottom, barely sure what is real with a baseball bat in hand. He’s slept on the couch as Eddie stands in the doorframe of Chris’ room wondering where he lost it. Buck held his hand as he showered with a gunshot wound and has kept holding it since. ‘I can’t ruin it this time. I can’t ruin him.’
‘You won’t. Chris won’t let you.’
‘He’s incredible.’
‘So are you.’ Buck breathes, and for a moment Eddie thinks it might be about something else. That thing they’ve been teetering on, that leaves his stomach twisted in knots and his mind buzzing even when the idea of kissing the man was far from his mind.
But then it’s gone and Buck is reaching for another mint leaf. ‘I’m here if you need me. Or if you don’t. I’ll still be here, just further back.’ He grins, all bright and good. He goes to say something else, some kind of joke or reference that Eddie’s only half likely to understand.
Eddie stops him, caution to the wind as his mind flails to catch up with his body. ‘I need to tell you something.’
Buck freezes. Something crosses his grin, splinters it into some mix between fear and intrigue. A shard of knowing as his eyes dip to Eddie’s lips and back up in barely a blink.
‘Eddie.’ He warns.
‘Buck, just listen okay. Buck, I—’
‘Do you want to do this?’ Buck interrupts, and if Eddie focuses he can hear the lilt of hope that undercurrents the wariness. ‘Here?’
‘Do you?’
Buck stops breathing. Eddie sees the way his chest stutters, the way his cheeks blush pink from the tips of his ears down his jawline, that funny unique pattern as he stares at Eddie.
‘I need to tell you something.’
‘Okay.’
‘Something I want. I’ve wanted—something I’ve wanted to a while now.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘I’m sure.’ Cause he’s so sure. Except he isn’t, and this might crash down around him and leave him alone but Eddie’s waited a month for this, waited years. He refuses to let Tommy fucking Kinard take up space in Buck’s thoughts any longer.
He refuses to work for his family fix up without Buck at his side. ‘I’ve thought about it for weeks. For a month. About you.’ He sees Buck’s eyes dip again, sees the rigidness tremble up his spine and squeezes their figners together. Takes a deep breath, and it rattles around his pounding heart. ‘About what I want from you, if you’ll let me.’
‘What do you want?’ Buck whispers. He’s pressed right into the counter now, Eddie’s hand on one side and the breakfast bar closing him in on the other. He’s taller, but now Eddie’s got him leant so far back he has to look up at him as he dares Eddie to spill every secret he’s ever tried to keep close about this man and his heart.
‘Can I?’ Eddie asks, whispers too. Afraid if he says it too loud it’ll shatter their little silence and Buck will realise just what he’s asking from him.
Buck breathes a yes, and Eddie closes the gap. He cups Buck’s chin, pulling him up to his lips and pressing them together softly. Buck’s lips are dry, he’s been biting them and the rough skin pulls at Eddie’s. Mint lingers on them, puffs out with Buck’s startled breath and Eddie can’t resist the urge to dip him further back and breath in every one.
Buck twists, pulling Eddie with him as they bump into the corner of the counter and Buck presses back into him with as much force. His hand comes into Eddie hair, gently pulls at the short sides and Eddie cranes into it, unable to pull back as Buck goes pliant in his arms. His whole weight held in Eddie’s arms as they both pulls back for air and Eddie gets to see up close the stormy blues that ring his irises. Blown wide, smile lines pulling at the corners, so fucking beautiful it makes him dizzy.
Yeah, he thinks, he should have done this a month ago.
‘Oh.’ Chris says.
Eddie springs away from Buck so fast he feels faint.
Buck is blinking, somewhere between shock and horror, ghosting his fingertips against the place where Eddie had bitten his lip. His gaze is locked over his shoulder, words falling silently as he scrambles to right himself without Eddie’s support.
It’s like a horror movie, a groundhog day, as Eddie realises just what he’s recreated. He just got Chris back, he just earned this chance and he’s gone and thrown it out because Evan Buckley had said yes.
He turns, apologies on his tongue but none of them match up to this fuck up.
Chris is staring at them. Just staring.
Eddie can’t afford the flight back to Texas. ‘Chris.’ He says, and doesn’t know what else to add. ‘Chris.’
Chris stares a little more, then mulls his tongue around his mouth like he’s deciding just how to condemn his dad for it this time.
‘DENNY!’ He yells, startling Eddie so badly he almost falls onto Buck’s supporting arm.
‘Yeah?’ Denny hollers back, and the adults in the other room go hush in interest.
Chris grins, slow and devious and every bit his father’s son. ‘I won the bet.’