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It's been half an hour, they’ve had two beers each, and they’re still sitting in silence, when Eddie decides that if Buck won’t talk, he will. Enough is enough.
“So… are you gonna ask?” Eddie asks pretending to twirl a fake mustache while looking at Buck.
“Hmmm. Not really. You?” Buck's voice is sad and distant.
“Don't need to ask. I already know.”
“What do you mean?” Buck's eyes widen in surprise.
“I know that you and Tommy broke up. Sorry.”
“Oh. How come?” That sparks Buck's interest, he lowers his head, fixing his gaze on the beer bottle to avoid Eddie's warm eyes.
“You're at my house looking like a kicked puppy.”
That makes Buck smile a little. “That obvious, uh?”
“Yeah… but also Tommy texted me.”
“He texted you? Asshole,” he sounds offended at the idea that Buck informed Eddie before he had a chance.
“Yes. He didn't say much. Just that you broke up and wished me luck.”
“Asshole.”
They fall silent, but this time it feels comfortable and familiar. Buck is the one to finally break the silence, looking at Eddie and taking in his new look, a tender smile on his lips."You no longer have a mustache.”
“Yes.”
“Shame. It was really cute.”
“My mustache was cute and you're only mentioning this after I've shaved it? Asshole.”
“You still look cute.”
“Some would argue I might be cute.”
“Some.”
“Not you?”
“I would. You're so happy today, Eds. I've missed seeing you like this. This looks better on you than any mustache.”
Eddie laughs, “A priest told me today that I deserve joy. I think I'm going to try. Actually, I think I am trying. Starting today.”
“Of course you deserve joy. Is that why you're pantless?”
“Yes.”
“You decided to shave and use a dress shirt without pants because you want to experience joy?” Buck looks puzzled, but his face is relaxed, and his eyes are bright, happy at the thought that Eddie wants to experience joy.
“I was dancing. Actually, I was doing the choreography from Risky Business.”
“To feel joy?”
“No, to express the joy I was already feeling.”
“At least one of us is feeling joy. Did Tommy tell you why he broke up with me?”
“Nope”. Eddie shifts on the couch to get a better look at Buck's face.
“He thinks that because he was my first boyfriend he can't be my last.”
“That's stupid.”
“So stupid. I asked him to move in with me.”
“That's also stupid.”
“So stupid.” Buck sighs, "I don't even think I wanted him to move in, to be honest."
“We need to stop asking people to move in with us. Taylor. Marisol. Tommy.”
“Yeah. But why can't your first be your last?”
“They can. Shannon was my first.”
“She wasn't your last though.”
“Well she died. Asshole move, Shannon, by the way, if you can hear me. But we got married. We were supposed to be each others last. Did you really wanted Tommy to be your last?"
“No, I didn't. We didn't talk enough, I think we liked each other but we didn't love one another. But I thought maybe we could get there.”
“If six months together weren’t enough to fall in love, I don’t think it was ever going to happen, as much as you might want it to.”
“You're right. I'm just tired, it seems I can never have the things that I want. Or who I want. So I thought I could settle and build it. Will it to exist."
"Who you want?"
"It doesn't matter, Eddie."
"I think it does."
Buck pauses for a while. “You think Shannon should have been your last?”
“No. She shouldn't. But I think I want my first to be my last.” A tiny, shy smile appears on Eddie's face, and he blushes a little at the thought.
“That doesn't make any sense.”
“It really does.”
“Shannon was your first and she died.”
“Yep.”
“So?”
“You can do it, Buck. You'll get there.” Eddie rests his head on Buck's shoulder, hiding his blushing cheeks.
“Like you don't want to marry anyone else so in some way Shannon was your last?”
“No. Not even close. Try again.”
“I'm blanking here. Can't you just tell me?”
“Was Tommy the first person to take you on a date? Kiss you? Sleep with you?”
“Of course not.”
“There you go.”
“What do you mean?”
“Oh my god, Buck. I'm coming out to you. I'm gay.”
“You're gay?”
“I'm gay.”
They sit in silence for a few minutes that seem to drag on. Eddie feels the tension bubbling in his stomach. Was this a mistake?
“Have you watched Glee?” Buck asks suddenly.
“Glee?”
“Yes. Have you watched Glee?”
“No, I haven't. And okay that's not proper etiquette. You should thank me for trusting you or something like that.”
“You're right." Buck laughs and, with a grin, adds "I'm proud of you, Eds." Buck rests his hand on Eddie's knee, suddenly aware that Eddie isn’t wearing pants. Eddie's skin is warm and soft, and the weight of his head on Buck's shoulder feels right, like an anchor in a storm. Buck becomes increasingly aware of how their bodies are touching. "Have you… uh… have you known for a while?”
"I… I think on some level I knew as a teen. But then… I had a girlfriend, I slept with her, I got her pregnant. And I… I kind of enjoyed the sex? At least I could do it. So I thought that meant I was straight. Normal.” the final word tastes bitter on Eddie's lips.
“Eds…”
“I know it's not like that. But when you're eighteen and scared it feels like that. It feels like if you want it enough it can be that simple. Sex is fine or whatever. You can come. She says she feels good. What more can you want?”
“So much more, Eddie.”
“So much more?” Eddie's voice breaks a little at the last word.
"Yes.”
“I don't know that. But I want to.”
“What sparked this?”
“Father Brian told me I deserve joy.”
“So you embraced your sexuality? That's beautiful.”
“No. I think the universe sent me a message. Maybe.”
“You've never believed in that type of shit.”
“That's not true. It's just that the last time I asked the universe for a sign Shannon told me she thought she was pregnant, then she was not, then I wanted us to try again and she asked for a divorce and then died. Made me feel like I don't want more signs from the universe.”
“Shit, that's a lot.”
“It is.”
“And now?”
“Tommy texted.”
“Oh my god, Eddie!!! We can't have the same guy as our sexual awakening.”
“What?!”
“You want Tommy.” Buck asks, his voice pained and full of sorrow.
“Are you insane, Buck? You think I want Tommy? I don't."
"You don't?" Buck's voice is hopeful but still hesitant.
"Sure", Eddie replies sarcastically, "And then what? Have him call me Edmundo? Already did that one with Ana. But when I received his message... well, it sparked joy.”
“Why?”
“You know why, Buck.” Eddie is quiet now, his words soft, hiding a smile.
“You have to say it.” Buck pleads with a warm voice, lowered tone.
“I don't want to say it today.”
“Why not? You should.”
“Because you already know and I don't want to say it when you are on my couch because your boyfriend broke up with you after you asked him to move in with him. Even if you were not in love with him. Even if you have been lying to yourself about what you want. Or who you want.”
Buck turns his body fully toward Eddie, lifting his face from his shoulder as he carefully searches for Eddie’s eyes. Eddie’s gaze is steady, warm, and inviting. He wants to be pulled in and lost in that storm.
Smiling softly, Buck closes the distance between them with a chaste kiss. It's so tender it feels fragile, a fleeting moment to good to be real. Their lips together, hesitant, as if asking for permission. Then Eddie places his hand on Buck’s neck and opens his mouth, deepening the kiss, chills spreading through his body. There are no doubts: everything will be given to Buck, he need only ask.
“I don't want to be a rebound, Buck.”
"You could never be Eddie.” Eddie’s lips crush against Buck’s again, asking for more. “I love you. I’m in love with you. I’ve wanted you for so long.” Buck sounds breathless, speaking between kisses. “I... I thought this wasn’t an option. If I’d known... Eddie, we’re not wasting another minute. I think I should move in.”
Eddie laughs. “Maybe. You definitely should kiss me more. Every day. Always.”
"Buck leans in, his blue eyes burning with intensity, and Eddie just wants to be consumed by it. When their lips meet this time, they want to taste everything, to make up for lost time.
“I'm your first."
“I don't care. You're my last."
"You're my last."