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You don't forget the first time you die. Merlin sort of wished you did, he'd rather not remember the pain and fear he'd felt all that time ago. Of all his deaths, and he had several, his first was certainly the worst. He hadn't known what would happen after he died, he didn't have the reassurance that it wasn't permanent.
He wasn't the impermanence of death was reassuring anymore, he'd lost so many people already. Merlin didn't want to live on, outliving even the memory of everyone he knew. He wasn't sure he'd be able to live with that.
That was his one true secret. Not even his mother knew. Will had known, but he'd been the only one and with him gone his secret was firmly his own. He'd died a few times saving Camelot, but it had been worth it.
At some point dying had gone from terrifying uncertainty, to familiar friend. He looked death in the face far more often than he cared to admit, and he mostly came out unscathed. It had greatly impacted what he was willing to do for Camelot and her people. Risk did not matter when you knew that regardless of what you faced you'd walk away in one piece.
It wasn't like Merlin enjoyed dying, it always left him exhausted the next day. Sometimes it was just what had to be done, and there was no use fighting death when he would survive it.
Leon stared down at the sword he held out in front of him. It was coated in blood, dripping onto the forest floor. His own blood, though the handle now had some blood on it too. He wasn't sure what had come over him.
He'd had a day free, time to himself for once with no obligations looming over him. He'd just wanted to relax, and a walk through the forest seemed like a good way to do that. He hadn't worn his armour, a mistake he hadn't thought he'd live to regret.
Bandits, ones he and the others had dealt with before, caught up to him. With nothing of worth on him, except for his sword, they'd pulled him into a very disadvantaged fight. They could still make a point with a dead knight after all.
It had been a loosing fight, five against one, Leon was never going to win. He'd put up a fight though, he wasn't going to just sit back and let them kill him.
He'd still ended up with a sword plunged through his chest for his efforts. He'd wondered what Merlin would think when he was eventually found, what the others would think. He didn't want Merlin to hurt because he'd been so careless and gotten himself killed.
As soon as the sword had been pushed into his chest, the other bandits scattered. Just him, and his killer.
Leon didn't understand his own actions. Maybe he'd wanted to make a statement in his dying moments, or maybe he'd been feeling particularly brave, but he'd grabbed onto the hilt of the sword and pulled it from his chest, roughly slamming the end into his killer's face.
There had been a sickening crunch, and he'd knocked his should be killer out. That was how he'd found himself, still standing, still breathing, still with his heart beating in his chest, staring at a sword drip his own blood onto the forest floor.
Leon dropped the sword and ran.
He shouldn't have been alive. He shouldn't have been able to run.
Yet, he was.
He'd rode his horse out to the forest line, and then walked through to enjoy the scenery.
The scenery was the last thing on his mind as he raced back to his horse.
He needed to see Merlin. Leon wasn't sure why it was Merlin he needed to see. Well, he'd seen Merlin do some strange things before. Things he hadn't dared to think about too much.
Those things had to be the reason his first reaction after dying was to run to Merlin.
Nothing really registered as he returned to Camelot. All he knew was that he needed to find Merlin. He had faith that somehow Merlin would be able to help.
He didn't remember the ride back, he didn't remember passing his horse over to the stable-hands, he didn't even remember the run to Gaius' chambers.
"Merlin," he said as soon as Gaius opened his door. His brows furrowed, and he made no move to let Leon in. "I need to see Merlin." Gaius hummed.
"What do you need him for?" he asked. Leon couldn't just say he'd been killed in the forest and was still very much alive. He needed an excuse, and preferably a good one. The memory of Arthur and Merlin together in the dimly lit room clawed its way to the front of his mind.
"Poetry," he said, the first thing that came to mind.
"Poetry?" Gaius asked. Leon nodded slowly.
"Poetry," he agreed.
"Hey Gaius," Merlin said, his voice floating out through the door. Gaius looked down and shook his head. "Who's at the door?"
"Merlin," Leon greeted, leaning slightly to peer into the room over Gaius' head. Merlin smiled at him. "I was after a poetry lesson." Merlin's eyebrows furrowed slightly but he nodded regardless. Gaius sighed, but opened the door properly to let him in.
Merlin lead him back through to his room. Leon glanced around slightly, but kept looking back to Merlin. The state of his room did not matter. He watched Merlin as he pushed closed the door and took a deep breath. He watched still as Merlin paced around the small yet messy room. He watched even still as Merlin finally settled on his bed.
"So, poetry," Merlin said finally. Leon looked away and blushed slightly.
"That was an excuse," he admitted quietly. Merlin laughed slightly then, and Leon looked back to him. He seemed more relaxed as he grinned at him. "I fear this topic is a little on the strange side," he continued, falling into a more proper cadence as Merlin stared at him intently.
"Leon, whatever it is, you can trust me," he promised. Leon nodded and settled next to him on the uncomfortable bed. He took a deep breath and glanced to Merlin. His watchful gaze almost burnt into him, and he looked away to the floor.
"I died," Leon started. Merlin didn't interrupt him. He waited for Merlin to bring up the cup of life and the druids. Instead he sat there, ready to listen to him. "Before I got here, I died," he repeated. "In the woods, to bandits, I died." Merlin'd hand settled itself on his knees. Leon felt his face heat up slightly, and he glanced away. He knew it was intended as comfort.
"There was five of them, one of me. I wasn't going to, I shouldn't have, I didn't make it out alive. I should be dead," Leon said frantically. In the corner of his eye he could see Merlin nodding. "I should be dead, on the forest floor, bleeding out," Leon added. He looked up then and met Merlin's eyes. His heart ran rapidly in his chest, his breathing came in fast. He wasn't sure what he expected Merlin to say, he just hoped he'd help.
"When I was younger, I went swimming," Merlin started. Leon let him talk, though he wasn't sure how it would help. "There were these boys a little older than me, and they didn't like me," he said vaguely. Leon nodded slightly. "They pushed me under the water in the lake, and bashed my head with a rock." Merlin paused.
He looked away from Leon, and squeezed his knee slightly.
"I still remember the feeling of the water filling my lungs," he admitted quietly. "I remember trying desperately to swim, but I just couldn't control my arms or legs. I remember the sinking, and everything going black. Then, I was awake again. There was blood in the water around me, and," Merlin paused and took a deep breath, "and the sun had started to set. My mum had been so worried about me. I haven't had the heart to tell her what happened."
Leon stared at him for a moment. They had something in common. It wasn't a joyous something in common, but it was strange shared middle ground between them. He tried to picture someone wanting to harm Merlin, let alone kill, and he came up with no one. Merlin was just too, loveable.
"You died," Leon said dumbly. Merlin nodded.
"And you're the only other person alive that knows," he said, looking back to him then. Their eyes met, and he could see the tears forming. He didn't want to make Merlin cry. Merlin was too pretty for tears.
Leon raised his hands without thinking, and swiped the tears away gently. He didn't move his hands away, and left them cradling Merlin's face.
"Death is scary, living after it can be worse, but I'm here for you," Merlin said. Leon smiled at him.
"I died today," Leon said again, quietly and not as frantically.
"I died three days ago," Merlin told him casually. Leon couldn't help it, the situation was series, deathly so, but he laughed. He laughed just a little, and Merlin grinned up at him. His hands had moved to rest over Leon's forearms, keeping his hands in place.
"I died today, and you died three days ago, and we're still here," he said.
"We're still here," Merlin agreed. Leon pulled back suddenly, his dying thoughts hitting him like the sword had. He turned away, and looked at the opposite wall.
"You," he tried to start. Merlin hummed slightly, encouraging him to continue. "You were my last thought," Leon admitted. He heard Merlin's breath catch in his throat, and Leon closed his eyes tightly. He shouldn't have said anything.
"You were mine, three days ago," Merlin admitted, resting a hand on Leon's balled up hands. Leon opened his eyes again, and looked to Merlin's hand atop his own. "I hoped you wouldn't be the one to find me if this death stuck. I didn't want you to have see that." He looked then to Merlin's face, eye meeting eye. His same fear was reflected back in Merlin's eyes.
"I was worried I'd hurt you with my death," he whispered to him, like it was a secret he should've kept.
"I've been preparing for everyone's deaths since I was a child," he told Leon. "To know I won't have to prepare for yours is a weight off my shoulders." His heart sped up in his chest, and if Leon hadn't been so certain in the way the human body worked, he'd have thought it was trying to break free and reach for Merlin. He smiled at him, and raised one hand to rest on Merlin's cheek.
"What if it was a one time thing?" Leon asked sadly. Merlin shook his head.
"It won't be," Merlin said. Leon got the impression Merlin would walk to the ends of the Earth to make sure it wasn't.
Merlin had thought for so long that he'd one day loose Leon. He knew he'd loose everyone and everything eventually. That was his curse after all. He could walk away from death all he liked, but he couldn't stop it for those he loved, all he could do was ward it off for as long as he could. One day death would come for them all, but not him.
And now, it wasn't coming for Leon either. It had not touched him in the woods that day, and it would not touch him again. Merlin would not allow it.
Leon's death had been one he'd been most worried about. He was a rock in his life, ever present and kind. Constantly caring. Merlin had tried to ignore him, to not build some sort of friendship, but he'd been unable to deny it.
Leon had been drawing him in from day one. Now, if he got lucky, Leon would be drawing him in for the rest of time.
Merlin's heartbeat was steady as Leon caressed his cheek. Despite the fear of hearing of the words 'I died' come from Leon's distracting lips, and the pain of talking about his first death, he felt perfectly at peace next to the knight.
"I died today," Leon said, Merlin nodded slightly, "and all I could think about after surviving death, was getting to you."
"And here we are," Merlin said. Leon smiled softly.
"Here we are," he agreed.
"Death will get easier," Merlin told him.
"Will I stop rushing to your side in the future then?" Leon asked. Merlin shrugged, his heart beating a little faster. He didn't want to stop this. He'd had one taste of it, and he was already addicted.
"I hope not," he admitted.
"I won't," Leon said firmly. "I thought about last time I died too," he added. Merlin leant his forehead against Leon's.
"I think about you every-time I die," Merlin told him. Leon hummed.
"I think," Leon started softly. Merlin smiled slightly.
"I think it means something," he said as Leon shrugged. He nodded then, just slightly, against Merlin.
"I hope it does," he agreed.
"I think it means I love you," Merlin said. Leon grinned then. A great, wide, grin, that sent his heart in flips and filled his stomach with butterflies.
"I love you too," Leon whispered back. Merlin grinned then too.
Leon moved in slowly, giving Merlin enough time to stop him. He didn't want to stop him. They met in the middle, their lips brushing softly against each others. Leon's free hand came to rest at Merlin's side. Merlin rested his hands on Leon's tunic, not pushing him away, but not pulling him in either.
It felt like tiny explosions, like magic sparking. It reminded Merlin of magic without spells, magic that flowed freely and created.
Eventually they had to part for breath. Merlin couldn't help the breathless laugh he let out as he leant his forehead back against Leon's. Leon pulled back properly, his eyebrows scrunched just slightly, and his mouth open in question.
"Where did the butterflies come from?" he asked. Merlin felt his heart freeze in his chest for a moment, before racing to break from his chest. He looked around.
True to Leon's question there was a small swarm of gold and red butterflies fluttering around his room. He watched as one glided down to his floor, and rested on a still blooming flower appearing through the cracks.
Merlin's eyes widened, and he felt his face heat up as he blushed. He looked away from Leon and buried his head in his hands. He'd reveal one secret, wasn't that enough for the day.
"The flowers too," Leon finally said. Merlin groaned quietly, and shook his head. Everything had been so perfect up until then too, he didn't want it all to be dream, but the accidental magic he did.
"Merlin," Leon said softly as a hand settled onto his shoulder. He refused to looked. "It's beautiful, come look." Merlin lifted his head up slightly and watched a red butterfly settle onto a flower.
"Did you do this?" Leon asked then. Merlin gulped. "It's beautiful," he repeated. Slowly, Merlin nodded. Leon moved his hand from his shoulder, and before Merlin could panic, he grabbed his hand.
Merlin looked down as their fingers entwined.
"I wouldn't mind death if this comes after each time," Leon confessed. Merlin laughed slightly then, relaxing once more.
"That can be arranged," he promised. Leon grinned at him then, just as a golden butterfly settled into his curls.