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A full-body stretch made him grunt between his teeth.
“You alright?” Yosano asked.
“…Almost.” Doppo let his head fall on the pillow. “I thought I’d have cramps.”
“Water?”
“Yes, please.”
She tapped inside a tote bag for the bottles. “Cramps where?”
“Left calf. I still feel it a little.” He pushed the blanket away from his chest. “Do we really need that heater on?”
“It’s eighteen degrees inside now.” Yosano handed him a bottle. “What’s with the hot flash?”
He couldn’t help but laugh. “I thought you knew why.”
My guess is she wants more. Sitting on the bed, he emptied the water bottle.
Yosano shivered under a towel over her shoulders. She’d always been sensitive to the cold. For what seemed no reason, she stared at her short nails. As the job demanded, no nail polish either. My eyes could take pictures.
“How do you like the room?” he asked.
“Isn’t it the most expensive one we’ve been to?”
That isn’t an answer. “I’m not sure. There was the impressive chair one…”
“Yeah, it was likely that one.” She grinned as if recalling the day. “A nice chair.”
“Very impressive.” So much we could do.
“True. Do you still want these lights on?”
“Yes.”
At last, she gave up on sitting down. Her hair spread in contrast against the white pillowcase. The towel showed some of her cleavage. Underneath that, nothing more.
I’ll put my glasses on.
“Can I ask you something?” Yosano said.
Doppo looked back at her, setting the bottle down. “Go ahead.”
“It’s kinda stupid.” She caressed his thigh over the blanket. “Is something weighing on your mind?”
I get it. The answer is always “yes”. “No. I just didn’t drink today.”
“No clue if you’re being serious.”
Doppo grinned. “Just kidding. What’s wrong?”
“You seem a bit…”
“Don’t beat around the bush.”
“‘Lost in thought’ may be it.” Her hand stopped. “Beyond what I know of you.”
Ah. So, it does show.
“And the call was kinda sudden,” Yosano completed. “I wondered why.”
That’s because it was sudden. “Now, can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
Doppo pushed his glasses back in place. “Don’t take this the wrong way.”
The sentence exhausted the oxygen in the room.
Go on. Say it, you idiot.
“I’d spit it out if I were you,” she suggested. “Or I’ll really take it the wrong way.”
It’s the kind of thing that happens to me, and only me. Yosano stared at him, looking for answers.
Ugh.
“I think I like someone.” Doppo closed his eyes. He made himself ease up, or he’d explode. “How can I be sure?”
Feel free to judge. I deserve it.
“Uh… It doesn’t have a clear-cut answer.” She rolled on the bed. The top of her head touched his hip. “I’d have to think for a while.”
I’ve been thinking nonstop for a week or so. No clue. “No rush.”
When he came to his senses, he was playing with her hair. No going overboard, or she’d fall asleep.
“Hmm…” Yosano dragged out the sound. She looked for words in the dim lights. “‘Liking’ in what stage?”
“No idea. The beginning? Potentially?”
Cluelessly if it’s the case, or if it could be…?
“It’s… comfortable,” she said. “At the same time, rather stressful.”
In that aspect, the answer is yes. But it’s always been the case. “How so?”
“The mind gets restless.”
I’ve never had a peaceful mind. Not even for one day.
“You think of the person more often. You notice them.” Thinking more often, yes. Noticing? I can’t tell. “You try to spend time with them. Or want to, if you can’t.” I spend time with him every day. It’s not a matter of wanting. She looked up. “Why do you ask?”
Can’t we skip this part? “…I don’t know if I wanna talk about it.”
“Wait. Do you like someone?”
“I don’t know, and I said so just now.”
“Seriously?” Her tone was playful. I’ve awakened the beast. “If you have to clear it up…”
“It’s not that black and white.”
“Do I know who it is?”
Doppo side-eyed her. “You’re not gonna beat the answer out of me.”
“You bet?”
“Hold up there, now.”
She bit him on the waist. “What do I have to do?”
“Hey.” Doppo flinched. “That tickles.”
“It’s just the beginning…” Her hand searched under the blanket. Watch out! “Left calf, you said?”
Don’t even think of that! “You’re gonna laugh at me.”
“I swear I won’t.”
“It’s always that same talk.”
“What’s with the ‘always’? We’ve never talked about that.”
Not to you, not to anyone. That’s part of the problem.
“Pretty please,” she said. “Are you really gonna keep it back?”
“Yes.”
“You shouldn’t have made me curious, then…”
“It’s not like it’s trivial gossip.”
“Isn’t it?” Yosano put her head on his lap. “What else, then? A prank? Lies?”
Doppo sighed. This damned pleading face. “This doesn’t leave the two of us.” He put his hand on her shoulder and looked away to an empty corner. “Promise?”
“Promise.”
“Are you sure?”
“Aw, come on. Do you need all that?”
How do I solve this if I don’t tell her? “Okay, fine. It doesn’t need all that.”
At least, I’ll say it isn’t you. If that helps a little.
“As I said, I’m not sure,” he began, “it’s a maybe.”
Goodbye, reputation. It was good knowing you.
“It’s Dazai,” he confessed.
The heater was humming. Yosano wasn’t laughing.
Till she started.
“Fucking called it,” Doppo said.
She cackled. “I can’t believe it,” she said, mid-desperate breath. “Impossible.”
Doppo slapped his own forehead.
“I didn’t mean to.” She tried, but laughed again. “I swear.”
Yosano got lost in that. No beginning, no time to stop. Lying on her stomach, she swung her legs, kicking the bed.
“Enough.” He put his hand on her back. “You can drop it.”
Was she expecting it? Wasn’t she…?
“If you please?” Doppo insisted.
“Sorry…”
Just kill me already.
“I don’t know if I wanna hear what’s so funny,” he said. Or if I’m done embarrassing myself.
“Your call.” She forced her breath back into pace, in between giggles. “That one caught me off-guard.”
I share the feeling.
“I mean… I can’t say ‘off-guard’.” Yosano turned face-up. She still used his thigh as a pillow. “Not exactly.”
“People have given me that about him.” Doppo had a wry smile. “It wasn’t you, tho.”
“No, no. It’s something else. I don’t even know if you can confirm or deny that.”
“Confirm or deny what?”
“My turn to look stupid.” She smiled, as a faint reminder of the laughing fit. “We had a bet. I and Ranpo-san.”
“A what?!”
A bet on what exactly?
“I’d need the details,” Yosano said. “Only then I’d know who won.”
“Why did you two bet on such a topic?” And what?
“In my defense, it was his idea.”
“And what details?”
“Who confessed first?”
“No one confessed to anyone. I don’t get what this is about.”
Had there been a confession, I wouldn’t be asking for help.
“Fine, whatever.” She waved a hand. “Was there a move? Who kissed who?”
Skipping the details, as it’s beside the point… “He did it first.”
“Yeah, I lost the bet.” She sighed. “What did I expect?”
He squinted his eyes. What do you mean? Are you implying I don’t take the lead? “You saying that, of all people?”
“My opinion is the most qualified one… Or is there another?”
Indeed, I’m not seeing anyone else. “Anyway.” Not arguing about the details of being roasted. “I’m still unsure if I like him or not.”
And if I’ll ever like him or not.
“Did he make an offer?” she asked.
“He suggested it.”
“Did you say yes or no?”
“I left it pending.” As I don’t know what to do. “But I don’t want it to be pending forever.”
“It’s good to have that sorted.”
You talk as if you had a relationship. “Wait.” He frowned. “Do you like someone?”
She chuckled. “What do you think?”
“How come you never told me?”
“It never mattered.”
“I don’t mean to get in the way.”
“You’re not. It’s a bit of an odd relationship. How can I put it?” Yosano turned to her side on his leg; she wouldn’t make up her mind. “Let’s say it isn’t exclusive.”
“Does that exist?” I know it did in the past…
“It does.”
“Is that allowed?”
“It’s not a crime.”
“There was no judgment on my part. My bad.”
What I’m taking is I don’t know shit about anything.
“It’s okay,” she said. “I admit it’s a rare sight.”
“Uh-huh…”
“Don’t you wanna know who it is?”
“It’s not a matter of me wanting.” Doppo returned his hand to her hair. “I guessed you’d have told me already.”
“Well. He doesn’t mind it, neither do I.” She closed her eyes with a pleased expression. “It’s Ranpo-san.”
“Hey. Seriously?!”
“Can’t you tell?”
“I’d rather not speculate on these things.” It makes a strange amount of sense. “How long has it been?”
“Since I met him. It’s the kind of bond…” Yosano hesitated a little. “I don’t plan an ‘end’ to it. See?”
“In practice, I don’t get it.”
“For example… Your oldest friendship. Katai, isn’t it?”
“Impressive memory.”
“It just occurred to me.” She modestly stashed the compliment. “It doesn’t have a goal. You two stay because you want to. And don’t see yourselves not wanting it.”
“An ‘end’ as in ‘a conclusion’, and an ‘end’ as in ‘a goal’…”
“Yes, in this case, they’re the same.”
That is, in fact, a bit enlightening. “You two are friends, then. With a hint of romance.”
“I wouldn’t call it that.”
“A couple…?”
“Not exactly.”
“Soulmates? Partners in crime? I don’t know what to name it.”
“The two of us are the two of us. There has never been a baseline.” Yosano covered herself better. “It feels better to me that way.”
Tell him he’s a lucky guy. That may be my sole opinion.
“Have you two ever had problems?” Doppo asked. “Between you, I mean.”
“Yes, no doubt.”
“Could you tell me about it?”
“You’re troubled about the beginning, right? There was one thing. I even forget it sometimes.”
“What was it?”
“I used to ask myself if… Do you know that thing? ‘The young man saves the girl, and the prize is getting with her’.”
“Dozens of fairy tales like that.”
“Yeah. It’s what I felt like for a while. My ‘way to say thanks’.” That’s a bit sad. “I didn’t want to tell him that. No way. I was fifteen. Can you see that?” Her giggle was nostalgic. “I eventually figured it out. No… It wasn’t for ‘prize’ reasons.”
“I can’t even imagine you doing that.”
“Nah, it’s not like that. I changed my mind for other reasons.”
“Those being?”
“If I acted like a ‘reward’, Ranpo-san would be able to tell. He’d never accept that.”
I accepted it, too, that day. “I think… it may be a similar case.”
“Out of all the advice I could give, that’s the one to help?”
“It happens.”
We never know where the solution lies for these things.
“I was so, so scared,” Yosano said. “It was horrifying.”
“I guessed so.”
“Have you ever had a panic attack?”
“Yeah.”
“It feels like you’re about to die. It was background noise to me, the entire time.”
“I’m not afraid to die.”
“But you’re scared of it as you panic, no?”
You’re right.
“I’m not afraid to die, either,” she continued. “Not even a little. That type of fear isn’t the fear of death.”
It’s the realization of being alive… or whatever else.
Yosano looked at him. “Is your problem solved?”
“No.”
Do I like him? Do I not? I have no idea.
“As you still don’t know…” She moved, still on her side. “What if we try to see it from another angle?”
“Deductions at a time like this? The work day is long over.”
“You’re one to say that,” she joked. “So, there was no confession, on either side.”
“What about it?”
“Does he like you?”
Doppo opened and closed his mouth. He bit the inside of his lip, before he could mess it up. I don’t know. “I never asked.”
“What makes you suspect he does?”
It’s not that I “suspect he does”. It’s a “maybe”. Like everything in this story. “It’s my intuition” would be a lie.
A few parts of that day stay there.
“I don’t have a ready answer,” he said. “He just hinted at it.”
“Like he does at many things.”
Typical move. I don’t know what I expected.
“Was it something he said?” Yosano asked. “Something he did?”
“The whole of the work.”
“Supposing he does. Would that bother you?”
“Not exactly.”
“What’s the problem, then?” She gifted him silence. What if I reciprocated? “Are you scared?”
He missed the beat to answer.
I am.
“What could be so bad about it?” she asked.
Doppo shattered reality with a bitter chuckle. “Do I have to spell it out?”
“No. My bad.” She laughed, too. “I know him quite well.”
“It’s a good question, actually.”
“The worst-case scenario… right?”
“My sworn enemy.” Doppo rested his head on the wall behind him. “I’d rather be ready than not to be.”
“In terms of life, the worst that could happen…”
“…Is that we die. We said so a while ago.”
I’m not afraid of that.
“He has been trying and failing,” Yosano commented. “For a while now.”
They laughed together, in the same tone. It’s funny because it’s true.
“And there I am, chasing after him, cleaning the mess.” Doppo sighed. “Every single time.”
On the third edition, Yosano laughed alone.
“What’s so funny?” he asked.
“Have you ever noticed how he picks on you, specifically?”
“It’s hard not to notice. Why?”
“His reasons are likely many. Don’t ask me about that, but…”
“But…?”
“The bet I told you about.” Yosano tapped onto his thigh with her index finger. “It’s in part due to that behavior of his.”
“I don’t follow. What’s the connection?”
“He throws a fit when you ignore him. He’ll go to lengths till you react. It’s for attention.”
“Look…” Doppo calculated the politeness of the rest. “Why are we discussing the obvious? Of course, it’s for attention.”
“So, did you always know?” She stopped tapping her finger and looked up at him. I always knew what? “Why is it a problem only now?”
The realization, then, was about something else.
Seriously?
“No, I never knew,” the sentence escaped him. “Never. When—”
“Uh… Listen. ‘Since when he likes you’, I couldn’t tell. It seems like a long time to me.”
Was it from the beginning?
“He’s always dated countless people,” Yosano said. “Almost a new one per week.”
“Yeah, but…”
“If it was to try to make you jealous, it didn’t work. And I don’t think it was.”
My guess is he dips at the hint of commitment.
“But it’s not exactly what I mean.” Yosano sat down, pulling the blanket up to her shoulders. “He doesn’t hide who he’s dating. Nor does he hide he orbits you.”
I always knew he swung both ways. Gotta be fair to myself. “I’m so stupid.”
“It’s no big deal.”
“Seriously. I’m useless. The dumbest guy in the world.”
“Will you stop?”
“It’s one of the stages of grief. Just let it pass.”
“Aw, come on. Are you ruining the rest of the night?” She tilted her head on his shoulder. “Come here.”
“No need to pity me.”
I deserve to savor my idiocy.
“Aren’t you going to miss this?” she whispered. “Not even a little?”
“I don’t know what’s gonna happen.” What I want, what I’m gonna do. “I know nothing.”
“Likewise.”
That’s true. It can go wrong. Or right. Or…
They exchanged looks. Looks as if they knew what came next. And it came. Their faces, and hands, and lips, were in the usual wavelength.
I kind of always knew. It was supposed to have an end.
Don’t let me think.