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The realization process was a gradual one.
It hadn’t been an all-at-once or overwhelming feeling, but rather something that welled up in small doses with every caring, loving thing Charlie did for him.
If Nick was tired or comfortable in the bed or had just had a long day, he’d take over and make him a cup of tea, leaving the boy in bed with a forehead kiss and a “I love you.”
And whenever he came back, he’d hold Nick in his arms even though the lighter-haired one was the physically bigger of the two by a long shot. He didn’t mind, not at all. In fact, he’d say, “I like that you like laying on top of me. It’s sweet.”
He’d help him with his sunscreen at the beach, always sure to hold his face for a moment after rubbing the white-casted cream into his freckles.
Sometimes, these little actions faded from being romantic and into being intimate and gentle in a way Nick didn’t know how to describe.
The feeling wasn’t bad. But it was new and different and subtle, just there in his stomach for a moment until it wasn’t.
This new feeling was fleeting, though, and that made it easy not to think too hard about. There was always another person to distract them, or the fact that he was drifting to sleep, or the one that Charlie had to leave soon so that he didn’t miss his curfew.
Nick was never forced to wonder why he felt that way- or what he was feeling in the first place. All he had to come to terms with was the fact that sometimes, he felt a little weird around Charlie; softer around the edges and clingier and sugar-dipped and a little less focused on what was going on.
And this wasn’t much of a problem because they were boyfriends and he acted that way half of the time anyways.
Of course, deciding to not think about it too hard wasn’t going to last him forever, was it?
“Oh my god.” he gasped, coming to a stop in the middle of the shopping center. Charlie’s eyes widened as his arm was tugged on, causing him to spin around to face whatever direction Nick was. The blonde had cut off the first half of a sentence about something eerie Tori had said at one point or another- Nick had only sort of been paying attention, admittedly.
“Why’d we stop? The cafe is a bit further this way.” the brunette didn’t sound annoyed, just confused, falling back into his usual spot next to his boyfriend.
“Sorry- I just…” Nick trailed off, his face going slightly pink now that the shock had worn off.
“What is it?” Charlie pushed, sounding interested now. He could always tell when Nick was embarrassed, and he was always willing to go as far as possible to figure out whatever he was being shy about. He scanned the storefront of the shop Nick seemed interested in, “Why’d we stop to look at…a toy store?”
“As a kid, I always wanted that stuffed cat. The princess-like one.” he admitted while letting out a breath, pointing at the fluffy and pink plushie displayed in the window. “I think my brother got into my head before I could ever ask my mom for it- and then they stopped selling them, I think.”
“So you never got one?” Charlie sounded sad for the younger version of Nick, and the blonde shrugged. “Well, it looks like they’re selling them again. For less than fifteen dollars, too.”
He gave Nick a suggestive, challenging look, his eyebrows raised as if to say ‘might as well.’
“I’m nearly an adult. I’m not gonna buy myself a pink princess stuffed cat.” Nick laughed like that was an absurd idea, but his eyes lingered on the stuffed thing in the display. He shook his head, “It’s childish. Let’s go.”
He tried to pull them along, but Charlie tugged on his hand, “Hold on , Nicolas. Don’t be so dismissive.”
And it makes Nick feel a bit guilty, like a scolded child, and then he feels silly about feeling that way.
“It’s silly , Char.” he insisted in a voice that was a bit whiny, shifting his weight from one foot to another.
“I don’t think it’s silly.” Charlie told him, and it’s gentle. “You won me that stuffed animal I wanted from the claw machine at the arcade that one time, and we were both excited and happy about it despite it being childish and us nearly being adults.”
“It’s unfair that you’re so smart.” Nick knew that he was pouting at this point, but he didn’t really know if he could do anything about it.
“Is it also unfair that I have more than fifteen dollars? Because I’m gonna buy it for you.” Charlie said it in a way that told Nick that he didn’t get any choice in the matter, and then he’s pulling the other into the toy shop and there’s a bell on the door that rings out when it opens and Nick isn’t really focusing on what’s happening, really.
No, he’s not really focusing on all that, because Charlie is carefully guiding him through the store and embarrassment about the stuffed toy subsides just enough for him to be excited about it by the time they’re paying and they tell the cashier that they don’t need a bag, actually.
And it’s a childish sort of excitement- the kind that’s only associated with getting a new toy or ice cream or going to the park by a little boy.
“Is it everything you’ve ever dreamt of?” Charlie asked teasingly when they’re leaving the store. It could’ve been a few seconds or minutes or hours later and Nick wouldn’t have known the difference, because the fabric of the stuffed kitten and the way it weighs down against his hands felt just as nice as he remembered it feeling when he was a kid in the aisle of some similar toy shop.
“Mm.” he nodded, responding in a mumble rather than any words, and Charlie smiled brightly.
“Good! We should walk to the bus stop, though. Is it okay if we skip the cafe?” the brunette questioned.
For some reason, it’s hard to comprehend the question while he was holding the soft, childish thing.
“Hm? Oh, yeah.” Nick managed, and the other doesn’t miss a beat before continuing to pull them through the shopping strip where they wasted their morning and spent all of their pocket money.
The blonde moves the stuffed animal up so that he’s holding it against his chest, just under his chin. Whenever they eventually get onto the bus, Charlie lets go of his hand so that he could connect his earbuds to his phone to give each of them one so that they could listen to something together.
Nick fumbles with the earbud for a moment too long before managing to figure it out, and then they’re listening to something soft, and he shifts to use both hands to hold his new toy to his chest.
They remain in a comfortable quiet throughout the rest of the bus ride, and by the end of it, Nick had fallen asleep leaning against the other boy. And when he woke up, he felt normal again.
He wanted to pretend like whatever had happened didn’t in the same way he had every other time, but that was hard when he felt that same comfortable weight on his chest every time he looked at the new stuffed toy among his pillows on his bed.
It takes about three more times of him falling into that headspace- late at night while on a call with Charlie where he fell a bit more quiet than usual because words were harder to form and his voice sounded weird when he did and while watching some movie he liked when he was younger with his mom and Nellie and again, in the early morning when he laid in bed for longer than he had to- for him to google the question that had been forming in the back of his mind for weeks:
why do i feel like a kid
And it doesn’t take long for him to identify what it is or to wrap his head around the concept, but it does take a few hours for him to click through every source he could find on the topic of “age regression” and all the online tags while he tried not to think too hardly about how he was going to tell Charlie about it.
It shouldn’t have been hard, because the brunette loved him and he had dealt with a fair share of mental health issues so he knew that sometimes, brains worked in interesting ways.
But it was, illogically so, and it felt scary .
--
Charlie notices that Nick’s not telling him something almost immediately.
It only takes a few instances of the blonde pulling away from cuddles whenever he felt that dip in his chest, in his stomach- of him shutting down some sort of playfulness because he was scared of being found out before he really knew what this was.
Nick didn’t know what age he regressed to yet, or why he regressed- because it felt like he didn’t really have a reason to. And he knew that there didn’t need to be a reason and that it could just be something fun and relaxing, but he still felt the need to justify it and it felt impossible to try and work through any of this when he was keeping it a secret from his favorite person in the entire universe.
“Okay, what’s going on?” the brunette didn’t sound annoyed or angry or anything like that, but he did sound serious and concerned and maybe a little scared, and that was enough to send anxiety straight to the older boy’s stomach. They were sat on his bed in the way they always were, having been play fighting about something silly when Nick pulled back and let Charlie win.
The blonde’s eyes widened in that terrified way they did whenever things got a little too serious, “I- what do you mean?”
Charlie tilted his head and gave him a look that read as ‘seriously?’ “These last couple days or so, you’ve been getting super quiet and stepping back from things that you usually like to do. If you don’t like those things anymore, play fighting or whatever, we can stop but you need to tell me. It just feels very sudden and I wanna know if there’s a reason why you’re pulling back.”
And it’s a fine enough expression of concern- there’s nothing wrong with the way he went about it. But the fact that he thinks that maybe, Nick doesn’t absolutely love everything they do together combines with the built up anxiety and stress and then, the blonde is crying. His bottom lip jutted out like a toddler’s did just before they started to cry, and then he was just sobbing .
“Oh, Nick .” Charlie sounded shocked and maybe guilty and the other boy couldn’t decide if the sympathy made it better or worse. The smaller boy opened his arms, inviting him in, and then Nick is laying on top of him with his cheek against his chest and it’s easy to decide that that made it so, so much better.
Charlie moved one of his hands in an up-and-down scratching motion on his back, and the slow movement seemed to work the tension out of the muscles there. Neither of them said anything significant for a while, beyond Nick’s quiet apologies and Charlie’s simple comforts.
Eventually, though, when the blonde’s cries lessened to deep breaths, the brunette tapped his back. “I’m so sorry to do this when you’ve just finished crying but now I definitely need to know what’s going on.” he told him as he sat up again. Nick rubbed at his eyes, nodding,
“It’s okay. Sorry I broke down like that, I didn’...” he let out a breath, trying to put his words together in a way that made sense. “I don’t know what happened.”
“No s-word.” Charlie playfully scolded him, and that got Nick to laugh and smiles and laughter were very important in that moment. “I know whatever this is might be hard to talk about, but do you think you could try?”
Nick nodded again, repositioning himself so that he was sitting next to Charlie. He thought for a moment, fidgeting with his hands as he racked his brain for a way to start this conversation. Then, he realized something, “Sorry, I know this is silly but can I-”
“Yes, to whatever it is. I’m willing to bet that it’s not actually silly.”
Nick smiled, holding his hand out so that Charlie could intertwine his fingers with his. Then, they both laid their extra hands over the embrace so that there was as much contact as possible without cuddling entirely.
“You know a few weeks ago, when you bought me the stuffed kitten at the mall?” he questioned, and Charlie nodded encouragingly,
“What about it?”
“It made me feel…like, childish. And I had been feeling like that before, whenever you did certain things to take care of me. Making my tea and helping me with my sunscreen.” Nick began to explain, and the brunette frowned,
“Do you not like it when I do those things?”
And that not Nick’s panicked, “No! I love them- the childish feeling wasn’t a bad thing, it was just different and weird and I didn’t really understand it. I didn’t want to think about it, honestly, because I’m supposed to be strong, or whatever.”
“That’s toxic masculinity speaking.” Charlie told him, and Nick chuckled,
“I know . Which is why when it kept happening, I researched it?” he phrased it like a question even though Charlie couldn’t answer, finally glancing up from their hands to the other boy’s face.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. Do you know what age regression is?” And Nick thinks that maybe, he could’ve died in the split second it took his boyfriend to respond while he processed the question. His eyes widened, not in shock, but in recognition,
“Oh, is that what you’ve been worried about?” Charlie questioned, earning a confused nod, “I mean, I don’t know everything there is to know on the subject, but yeah. I know what it is.”
“Really?” Nick let out a breath of relief, “How’d you hear about it?”
“I have a therapist, baby.” Charlie reminded, and it makes the blonde feel silly. “I also made my tumblr blog when I was too young to be on that website. There’s a big age regression community there.”
“Oh.” Nick processed this for a beat before responding in any way.
“Oh.” the brunette echoed playfully, leaning in slightly, “And I’m assuming what you’re getting at is that you’re an age regressor?”
“That is what I’m getting at, yeah.” Nick squeezed Charlie’s hand as he admitted it out loud, and there’s something comforting about the fact that he received one back immediately. “And I’ve just been worrying about how to tell you, and panicking over acting too childish because- I guess I haven’t fully regressed before. I dip into it here and there but I’ve never let it happen because it’s scary.”
“I bet something like that would be scary all on your own, hm?” Charlie gave a gentle and sympathetic hum, and the other boy nodded again. “You know that you could’ve talked to me about this sooner, right? You didn’t need to wait until I pushed it out of you and you were so stressed about it that you immediately started crying.”
“I know that, at least logically.” Nick ducked his head slightly, “It’s just been hard. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize.” Charlie told him, “I’m not upset with you. I’m just saying.”
“I feel a lot better now.” Nick admitted, “I didn’t realize how much it was like, weighing on me. Thank you.”
“Of course. I love you.”
“I love you too.” the blonde agreed easily, “Do you think we could just cuddle for a while?”
And there’s no plausible answer for that question besides ‘yes.’
--
Nick regressing for the first time doesn’t happen until a few days later, when they’re residing in the temporarily parent-free Spring house for the weekend. Tori had run off to Micheal’s, too, so it was just the two of them, dancing around the kitchen and watching movies in the living room as much as they wanted to.
It was nice existing in that way, as if they were in their own house entirely.
Even though the blonde hadn’t regressed after this big confession, they had talked about it a bit more. Charlie had said that he was comfortable with watching over Nick while he regressed if he was okay with it, too, as long as he understood that he might not be good at taking care of him right away.
And Nick had said that he wanted that, too, but letting himself regress sounded just as scary as it did comforting.
And so, they’ve been in a state of knowing that it’ll happen eventually but not putting pressure on it. It was a good place to be, too, because they could talk about it so it wasn’t a secret but there wasn’t any expectation for Nick to be so vulnerable so quickly.
There wasn’t an expectation, but there was an opportunity.
“I’ve got us sandwiches and crisps!” Charlie announced as he re-entered the room where Nick was left trying to figure out a puzzle. It was one that was just an image of a bunch of puppies, and there weren’t that many pieces, either. It was one that had been in the house since Tori was a young child, Charlie had said, claiming it would be a good background activity while they chatted and had lunch.
“I dumped the pieces out and they went everywhere.” Nick pouted, motioning to the mess on the floor in front of him. The brunette considered the image for a moment, setting one of the plates besides the boy and the other opposite to him while avoiding laying them over any puzzle pieces.
“That’s why we don’t dump out all the pieces, silly.” he lowered himself to his knees so that he wasn’t standing over the other boy, “You could’ve waited for me, you know.”
Nick shrugged, “Wanted to start. I think I need help, though.”
“You think?” Charlie teased, causing the other to pout again as he picked up a clumsy handful of cardboard puzzle pieces. He held it out to the brunette, pieces sticking out between his fingers clumsily,
“Help me, please?”
And Charlie couldn’t say no to that.
“Okay, okay, put them in here.” He grabbed the top of the box that had been set to the side, watching as the boy dropped them in, “We’ll put the rest back in here, too, and start by picking out the edge pieces, okay?”
Nick nodded eagerly, leaning in slightly as he started grabbing the pieces he had dumped everywhere. As they cleaned them up, Charlie asked, “How’re you feeling, baby?”
“M’ fine. Why’re you askin?” And based off of the way he tilts his head like a confused puppy, he wasn’t even aware of the way his voice sounded at the moment. Charlie suppressed the urge to coo at him, smiling lightly,
“I mean, did something happen to make you regress?”
“Oh.” The blonde blinked a few times, pausing in his motions. He seemed doubtful for a moment, as if he wanted to deny the fact that he was regressing, but he didn’t, “No. I don’t- don’t think so. Just wanted to do the puzzle, and you were making lunch. It’s like when I was little with my mom, I guess.”
“I see.” Charlie hummed, “I was just wondering. I don’t mind you regressing.”
“No?” Nick questioned, and Charlie nodded,
“Not at all.” the brunette confirmed, and the blonde ducked his head.
“Okay.” his reply was small, and he went back to gathering up pieces. Charlie watched him for a few beats.
He was quieter than he expected, but he had a feeling that that came from being shy. He was less energetic, too, which conflicted against his expectation of a hyper little boy.
“Why’re you starin’ at me?” Nick caught his attention, his eyebrows furrowed like this annoyed him. “I’m just cleaning up the puzzle pieces like you said.”
Charlie gave a shocked chuckle, “I know! I’m just watching you, honey. Is there a reason you’re so quiet?”
“I dunno!” Nick sounded upset and whiny, now, and Charlie’s eyes widened. Before he could say anything, the blonde brought his hands to his mouth, “Sorry- sorry. I didn’t mean to sound mean. Just…scared? Sorry.”
“I’m not upset.” Charlie reassured him immediately, “I’m sorry if I’m making things harder in any way- I don’t mean to.”
“You shouldn’ be saying sorry.” Nick shook his head, “You’re not making things harder, m’ just confused. Feeling a lot.”
“Yeah?” Charlie questioned encouragingly, “What are you feeling?”
“Scared. And silly. And like I don’t wanna do anything wrong.” he admitted, “But- but it’s also nice to be small. I wanna play . Do the puzzle n’ stuff.”
“We can play.” Charlie told him, “And you don’t have to worry about doing anything wrong, okay? If you do something that’s not good for you or something, I’ll tell you and we’ll fix it and then move on. You don’t need to think about it, especially not when you’re regressing for the first time and experiencing so many feelings.”
Nick nodded, and it’s a little desperate, “I feel…overwhelmed? A little.”
He sounded very emotionally intelligent while still sounding like a kid, which was helpful for the brunette because it allowed him to have any idea about what was going on in his head.
“That’s okay. Do you need anything?” Charlie questioned, and Nick thought about it.
“Can we just do the puzzle and you not stare at me, please?” the blonde requested, and Charlie nodded,
“Yes, we can do that.”
--
It takes a minute, but eventually, Nick seems less entirely overwhelmed by everything going on. This transition happens as they make their way through different activities; The puzzle, then eating their food, then coloring.
Aside from dumping out all the puzzle pieces, he was so gentle in a way that most kids weren’t. Every cup was set down with clumsy but still careful hands, and his stuffed animals were scooped up gently as if they were real animals. It was sweet to watch.
And there was the way he tilted his head when he was confused, like a little puppy trying to understand something.
Charlie was saving the golden retriever jokes for when he was big again because he wasn’t sure how he would take the teasing while small.
He was somehow cuddlier, too, finding excuses to sit right next to Charlie and hold his hand. It was incredibly sweet, really.
“Uh oh.” he gasped, dropping the crayon in his hand and letting it land on the page he was working on even though it marked up the paper. Because Charlie knew he didn’t want him to stare, he had been working on his own art piece instead of simply watching him. He glanced up from his spot next to him.
They had their own little parts of the coffee table designated for them, the crayons lined up in the gap between their two cartoon coloring sheets. They were sat on the floor, and there were cups of water adjacent to their creative spaces for them to drink out of.
“What’s wrong?” Charlie didn’t mean to sound panicked, but Nick’s eyes were already glossing over and the sight made him incredibly worried.
“I broke one of your crayons!” he cried, “I’m so sorry- I pressed down too hard n-”
“Oh, honey, it’s okay.” The brunette told him before he could ramble on for too long, “I’m not mad. Not even a little bit.”
“But aren’t you sad? I’d be very sad if someone broke my crayons.” Nick told him very matter-of-factly, in only the way a little kid would. And that’s when Charlie realized that Nick’s sensitivity didn’t come from a place of being scared, but rather one of sympathy.
He wasn’t worried about Charlie being mad at him, he was worried about making him sad.
“Oh, you’re too sympathetic for your own good.” the brunette sighed, pulling him into a somewhat-awkward embrace, just there on the floor. He didn’t want to make him feel silly by admitting that he didn’t really care about the crayons because he was a teenager and very, very rarely used them, so instead he just held him.
He held him until the blonde pulled away, which was no more than a minute or two later. His eyes were still glossed over, but he seemed to be feeling a bit better. He wiped at his eyes with fisted hands, “Sorry.”
“No s-word.” Charlie tapped the tip of his nose with his pointer finger, and the regressor broke out into giggles. “Are you feeling better now?”
The little shrugged softly, looking down at the coloring sheet in front of him. “I didn’t mean to break the crayon.”
“I know, honey. I’m not upset about it. I can go get new crayons if I wanted to, and even besides that,” He reached forward, grabbing the bigger half of the dark blue crayon that had snapped. He peeled back the paper and set the scrap to the side, before placing it against the section of the coloring sheet Nick had been filling in, “It’s still plenty useful just like this.”
“Oh.” he whispered in shock. “I didn’ ruin it.”
“You didn’t ruin it.” Charlie confirmed, handing it over to the boy. As soon as he resumed coloring, he planted a kiss in his hair before returning to his coloring sheet, too. He didn’t know much about regressed Nick, yet, but he did know that he struggled with attention when he was overwhelmed or upset.
And so, they would just continue along with their previous activity for the time being.
--
Nick’s time regressed on that day ended as most things tended to with them:
With a nap on the couch, the blonde laying on top of the brunette all tucked in under layers of blankets and stuffed animals.
The blonde came to some time after Charlie did, waking up to the feeling of him rubbing his back. He hummed, letting his eyes flutter open softly and somehow melting further into the hold.
“Goodmorning, sleepyhead.” Charlie greeted him, and Nick tensed because with his voice, he seemed to remembered everything that had happened in the few hours prior to him falling asleep. He groaned, burying his head in the other’s chest as if to hide away from the world entirely. “Oh, Nick.”
“No ‘oh, Nick.’ It’s over for me, Charlie.” he claimed, and the other boy chuckled.
“It’s not over for you, I promise.” Charlie told him, “Come on, sit up. Talk to me.”
“Hm, no.” Nick pretended to consider it for a moment before remaining strictly hidden in his arms, somehow burrowing himself deeper.
“Will you talk to me from there?” Charlie tried, and it’s playful.
There’s a beat, and then,
“Maybe.”
It’s a little silly to have a conversation like that, but the brunette didn’t mind.
“Can you maybe tell me why you’re so embarrassed?”
“I cried over a broken crayon, Charlie. And I nearly threw a fit about you looking at me for more than two seconds.” he sounded a bit grumpy, and it makes Charlie’s heart melt a bit. The brunette continued with his light scratching movement against his back,
“Kids cry sometimes. And they get overwhelmed, too. It’s okay.” he reassured.
“They cry over broken crayons?” Nick lifted his head, finally, giving his boyfriend a doubtful look.
“My little cousin Ollie has cried over less.” Charlie nodded with a hum. “And you’re much less demanding than he is.”
“Am I cuter than him, too?” The blonde did that head tilt again, and it’s nice to see him being playful, now, too.
“Ooh, that’s some tough competition.” Charlie hissed, smiling when Nick pouted. “You’re just as cute as he is.”
Nick settled back down into his arms without hiding his face, this time, shifting slightly in his position, “I’m sorry it happened so suddenly. And that I was so…much, the whole time.”
“No s-word, baby.” Charlie reminded, and Nick rolled his eyes, “You weren’t too much, and I told you that I didn’t mind when or if you regressed with me. Everything that happened today was okay, and I liked having the chance to take care of you.”
“Really?” Nick questioned, just to make sure.
“Really.” he confirmed.
And that exchange was just as important as their “I love you”-s and “I love you too”-s.
--
Even with the comfort received after regressing that first time, Nick was hesitant to give into it again.
He didn’t go out of his way to avoid being playful like before he talked to his boyfriend about it, but he also didn’t seem to want to let himself slip even when the opportunity presented itself and it was clear that he sort of wanted to.
“You don’t need to cut my sandwich into triangles.” Nick told Charlie as he watched him pack their ‘picnic lunch’ (a basic meal into a too-big lunch box they’d unpack after taking a walk to the same park they always did.)
“What if I just wanna switch things up, hm?” Charlie playfully pointed the butterknife at his boyfriend across the counter, smiling lightly in response to the look of doubt the other boy gave him. He went back to sorting out their food as the blonde responded,
“I’m suspicious of you.” he told him, very seriously.
“Oh, yeah?” Charlie sounded amused, “I’m nearly done, you know. You should go grab your coat and shoes.”
“Oh, and now you’re sending me away?” Nick pouted, and it’s silly in the same sugar-dipped way things had been whenever he was on the edge of regressing. He didn’t seem to realize that quite yet, though, at least not consciously.
“I’m telling you to go get everything you need so that we can get to the park like we planned.” Charlie corrected lightly, “Off you go.”
And with the way he was sent off, it was easy to feel a bit like a kid. The two of them met at the door a few minutes later, Nick adorning his coat and fumbling with his shoe laces with hands that felt clumsier than they had just a few minutes prior.
Charlie made a soft sound, “Oh, baby. Let me do that for you.”
And it’s easy to stand up straight and let the brunette take care of it, fidgeting with his hands uneasily because the experience of letting Charlie do such a small, sweet thing for him made a lot of feelings well up in his chest.
Charlie narrated the process, too, saying one thing or another about tucking one strand under the other and then pulling. Nick doesn’t really process any of it, but it feels like he’s being taught how to tie his shoes even though he was nearly an adult and knew how to do it himself in some part of his brain that felt entirely too distant at the moment.
The brunette looked up at him after what could’ve been a few moments or a few hours in Nick’s overwhelmed brain, “All done!” he was smiling brightly, too, like this was some exciting, big accomplishment.
“Thank you.” Nick heard himself say, all too quietly. Charlie’s face fell as he stood up properly and took the blonde’s hands gently, “What?” he sounded whiny in his own ears.
“You look panicked, Nicky.” the curly-haired boy told him, “Can we take a deep breath, maybe?”
And Charlie calling him by the nickname his mother did when he was a kid only contributes to that ball of emotions in his chest, but he nods and follows along when Charlie drew in a dramatized deep breath and then let it go in almost perfect sync with him.
“Better?” Charlie tried, and Nick nodded. The brunette let go of one of his hands and crouched down to pick up the lunch box he had set down. “Do you think you can tell me how you’re feeling as we walk?”
“Mm.” Nick confirmed almost non-verbally once again, keeping hold of one of Charlie’s hands as he let himself be guided out of the house in a directly he vaguely recognized as being the path to the park. Once they fell into a rhythm, he spoke up, “You’re doing the thing.”
“What thing?” Charlie answered in a way that was supposed to be playfully faux-innocent, but it only confused the partially-regressed Nick. “Okay, okay, the thing where I do small stuff to take care of you. I know. It’s just because you haven’t regressed since that first time and I wanted to make sure that you knew that I’m still okay with it.”
“I know you’re okay with it.” Nick sounded a bit more focused when he replied this time, “I’m just- it’s still new. I don’t know how often I should be regressing- if I need it or if it’s just fun or what.”
“I don’t think you need to think about it too much.” Charlie pointed out, swinging their hands between them, “If you feel like regressing and it’s not getting in the way of your responsibilities, then you should do it. Especially if someone like me is around to take care of you. If it is just for fun or rest, then that’s okay, but if you push it off and it is something you need-”
“Then I won’t know until I break down or something. I know.” Nick sighed, “I’m just insecure, I guess. This is new and- and it’s a nice thing, but it’s also a lot. I’m still overwhelmed.”
“I’m sorry that it’s overwhelming for you. And I’m sorry if-”
“You’re not contributing to it.” Nick told him, and it’s very sure. “You’re just being there and kind to me. You’re not the problem- it’s just hard when I don’t wanna think about it and you swoop in, tying my shoes and cutting my sandwiches into triangles.”
“Well that’s because I don’t want you to push it down until you cant.” Charlie reminded, “How about we go to the park, play on the old playground we like, and have our lunch? And if you regress, that’s okay- and if you don’t, that’s okay too. We don’t have to talk or think about it too hard either way.”
“I like that idea.” Nick decided after a moment, “It’s still incredibly unfair that you can get past everything happening in my brain by tying my shoes.”
“It just means I know what I’m doing, baby.” the brunette told him, tugging gently on his hand when he went to cross the street without looking, “Slow down, honey. We’ve gotta look both ways.”
“Oh!” Nick’s eyes widened slightly, and he giggled, “The park’s right there, though!”
And his voice is fading into something more childish, the focus he had been forcing into forming his words slipping away. He let excitement take over his demeanor, and he bounced on his feet a bit.
Charlie laughed, “I know. We still have to be safe, though!”
The moment he determined that there were no cars coming, the blonde breaks out in a run across the street, tugging the other boy along like it was nothing at all.
--
“Baby, I need you to let me up so that I can get us a snack!” Charlie was laughing from his now-usual spot under Nick, one hand on the side of the blonde’s face as he pouted. They had been cuddling for hours at that point, not doing much else because the blonde was still in a state of adjusting to regressing and was easy to overwhelm.
Charlie didn’t mind the simple and calm activities, and he especially didn’t mind that they usually ended in cuddles and naps. It made things easier for him and more comfortable for the regressor, which made it a certified win-win situation.
“I’m cozy, though!” Nick said, leaning into the touch of his hand against his face, “Don’t leave me, please.”
“You make it sound like I’m abandoning you entirely.” Charlie pointed out, “I’ll only leave for a moment. Get us some water and fix up something for us to eat. Five minutes, maximum.”
“Too long.” The blonde decided, pulling his face away from the brunette’s hand and instead burying his face in his chest, “Stay here, forever.”
And even though it was incredibly tempting to coo at the regressor and give into his request, Charlie knew that it was a bad idea to give him what he wanted at the expense of them taking care of themselves. He scratched Nick’s back gently, “I really should get up, Nick. I’ll only be gone for a bit.”
Nick lifted his head at Charlie’s newly-serious tone, pouting, “I don’t want you to go.”
“I’ll be right back.” Charlie insisted, pulling himself out from under the other boy, guiding him into a sitting position. The regressor looked like he was going to burst into tears, now, maybe just because he wasn’t used to not getting what he wanted.
Charlie would take him with him, but Nick’s mother was downstairs and he had insisted while not regressed that he didn’t want to try to explain this to her just yet.
And so, Nick had to stay in the room. Charlie held his face between both of his hands, “Why are you so worked up over a few minutes, baby?”
“I don’ know.” Nick whispered after a moment.
Charlie sighed, glancing around the room for a moment. His eyes widened when they caught on the stuffed cat he had bought him, the little thing that had somewhat lead to all of this. “Your princess kitty will keep you company.” he told him, reaching past him to grab it.
Nick gasped once it was deposited into his hands, holding it to his chest and rocking slightly once it was there. Charlie leaned forward to plant a kiss on his forehead, “Just a few minutes, baby.”
And maybe he was still pouting when he came back and needed to be cuddled immediately upon Charlie’s re-entrance to the room, but he doesn’t cry or stop him from leaving and that was something, at least.
--
“Char?” Nick handed a dish off to his boyfriend before setting to work rinsing off another one. The curly haired brunette perked up, slightly thrown off by the breaking of the silence that had settled over them,
“Yeah?” he questioned.
“I think I regress to like, young-toddler ages.” he admitted in a quick breath, and Charlie processed this for a moment before nodding slowly.
“Okay?” he sounded confused, “I knew that.”
“I didn’t.” The blonde shrugged, “I was trying to figure that out and couldn’t. But I think I get it, now.”
“It makes sense- you get overwhelmed easily and you get upset if I leave you alone. I just…figured, I guess.” Charlie told him, “It’s an okay thing to regress young. It’s sweet, I think.”
“Well, I think I’m a handful.” Nick sighed, passing along another clean plate. The brunette gave him a look, “What? It’s true! I’m always crying or pouting about something and it’s too much for you to deal with and I don’t even have a real reason to be regressing and it’s-”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Charlie set down everything he was holding, the plate he was drying and the dish cloth he had been using, on the counter. He pulled Nick away from the sink and shut off the water, forcing the boy to face him, “We’ve talked about this, haven’t we? You don’t need have a reason to use a coping skill and I don’t think you’re too much.”
“Aren’t I?” Nick sounded doubtful, “I mean, how could I not be?”
“You’re usually the one telling me that I’m not too much.” The brunette sounded confused, “Why is this so hard for you?”
“I don’t know!” Nick didn’t mean to raise his voice, but he does and then Charlie is stepping back, and then he’s raising his hand to cover his mouth like that first time he regressed all those weeks ago. “I’m sorry, Char.”
“I didn’t do anything. You’re not angry with me. You’re frustrated with yourself.” Charlie threaded his words together particularly carefully.
“You’re right.” Nick confirmed. He was fidgeting with his hands now, avoiding eye contact with his boyfriend as he settled on a response “I think- I, uh- did I ever tell you that I was diagnosed with autism as a kid?”
“What?” Charlie seemed entirely bewildered, any annoyance from before shifting into something new.
“I was diagnosed with-”
“No, I heard you.” The brunette cut him off, walking over past the counter towards the dining room table. Nick followed, “Why have I not heard this before? This explains so much.”
“It’s personal, I guess.” the blonde shrugged, pulling out the chair across from where Charlie sat down, “I was diagnosed with autism when I was a kid, and it was because I got overwhelmed easily and struggled with all these little things. And my mom was great about it but my dad- my brother, too, they said that-”
“You were too much?” Charlie tried, earning a nod. His face softened, “Oh, Nick.”
“Yeah.” he sighed, “And I didn’t think that impacted me too much. If anything, it caused me to grow out of all of those things that made me…different, and I deal with everything fine enough now. But regressing just sort of- it makes that mask melt, and it’s brought back all of that.”
“Well, there’s your reason for regressing.” Charlie pointed out, causing Nick to furrow his eyebrows. “Not like you need one, but you’ve been worried about no having a ‘reason to regress.’ It’s because you grew up masking and trying to not exemplify the traits your dad told you were ‘too much.’”
“Oh. I guess I hadn’t thought about it like that.” Nick admitted, “You’re right, though.”
“You could’ve told me this.” Charlie told him.
“I didn’t think that it mattered.” Nick shrugged, “I know that something like that doesn’t just go away, but it kind of felt like it did? When I got into rugby and got good at blending in. I’ve been a bit more ‘me’ everyday since I’ve met you, though, and I guess the fact that I’m autistic just…”
“Made itself known?” Charlie tried, and Nick chuckled before nodding. He held out his hand, and Nick took it easily, “Thanks for telling me.”
“I thought you deserved an explanation, I guess” Nick squeezed his hand, “Regressing and such has been nice but it’s also been-”
“Don’t say a lot. Or too much.” Charlie warned, and the blonde sighed,
“You know what I mean.”
“I do.” the brunette affirmed, “You didn’t owe me an explanation, but I appreciate it. It does clear up some things.”
“I really am sorry that I snapped.” Nick apologized, “When I get overwhelmed like that, it’s just really hard, and usually I’m able to manage myself better-”
“It’s okay.” Charlie cut him off before he went too far down the spiral, “You’re working through childhood trauma you didn’t realize you had. You’re having a hard time, and I’m not helping by asking a million questions.”
“You are helping, though. Just by existing.” Nick insisted, “I love you.”
And maybe there was more a conversation to have, at some point. For now, though, Charlie squeezed his hand and smiled softly,
“I love you too.”