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Buck hadn’t stopped thinking about Tommy. He can’t stop thinking about him. The moments they shared, the kiss that shattered everything he thought he understood about himself—it all played on a loop in his head. It was like trying to breathe underwater, the weight of what they had sinking deeper inside him with every passing day.
Since the breakup, Buck had been a mess. Work, distractions, baking, and long hours at the firehouse were the only things that kept him from completely unraveling. But even with all the noise, Tommy’s absence echoed in every quiet space, in every small moment when he was alone.
He couldn't help but wonder where it had gone wrong. Had he messed things up? Had he buck-ed it up again? It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He had hoped that with time, they'd build a future together. A life together. But now? Now, it was all gone.
And that hurt more than anything else—realizing that the future he had dreamed about, the one where he and Tommy could face life together, was something Tommy apparently hadn’t wanted.
“I'm not your last.
I'm your first.”
Buck ran his hand through his hair, walking towards his jeep. He thought he had done everything right. He thought he was ready for it all—ready to be with Tommy, ready to love him like he had always longed to love someone—but nothing seemed to add up.
Tommy had always been confident. He was older, more experienced, had lived a life that Buck had admired. He had thought Tommy was someone who knew exactly what he wanted and how to go after it. He had been so sure of Tommy, but now Buck realized how little Tommy had really let him in.
And that fear—Buck couldn’t stop thinking about that fear Tommy had, the one that made him say he was just there to be his first—that he wasn’t supposed to be Buck’s last.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
Buck's feet felt like lead as he crossed the parking lot. His body ached, and his mind was exhausted after his 48-hour shift. He needed food—something comforting so he decided to go to their favorite spot—the Thai place they’d always gone to. The one they’d discovered together and shared countless meals at. A place full of memories. Good ones, before everything fell apart.
His fingers gripped his phone, and even though he'd been so angry with Tommy, a small part of him still wondered if he should text him, tell him he was here, at their spot—just to see what would happen. But he couldn't do it. It had been weeks, and he couldn't keep clinging to someone who had clearly walked away.
As he walked toward the restaurant, something—or rather, someone—caught his eye.
Standing in the entrance of the restaurant, holding a bag of takeout, was Tommy. His dark hair was a mess— curls everywhere, his jaw tight, his eyes—those familiar blue eyes—looking distant, like he was just as lost as Buck felt. Looking like he hadn’t been sleeping. But he hadn’t changed much. Still the same Tommy—soft-spoken, but with an air of strength that had always drawn Buck in.
For a moment, Buck felt like he’d been punched in the gut. Seeing Tommy was like walking into a storm of emotions he wasn’t ready for. He had tried to move on, figure himself out just like Tommy said he should do, but it hadn’t been the same.
His mind screamed at him to turn around, to avoid the confrontation. But his feet wouldn’t obey.
As if sensing him, Tommy looked up, their eyes locked. For a moment, they just stood there, suspended in a silent, awkward tension that had been building between them since everything fell apart. Tommy hadn’t made any move to reach out, and neither had Buck. But now, as their gazes met, the silence between them seemed to speak volumes.
Buck’s heart squeezed, and he felt a burst of rage—at himself, at Tommy, at the stupid hole they had torn in each other’s lives. But underneath it all, there was that longing. That ache he couldn't ignore.
Tommy hadn’t called. Not once. Even when Buck saw that he was bubbling him, the text never came. He had kept looking at his phone every day, waiting for something, anything.
Buck pushed through his confusion and fury. He couldn’t hold it back anymore. He walked up to Tommy, his voice sharp, full of the hurt he had been hiding.
“Hey,” Buck muttered, his voice a little rough. He tried not to let the pain show, tried to keep the edge out of his words, but it was impossible. He was tired of pretending. He was tired of holding it all in.
“You’re here,” Tommy said. It wasn’t a question, just a statement. His gaze lingered, and Buck saw the wariness in his eyes, like he was trying to keep his distance, trying to stay guarded.
“I…” Tommy started but stopped, his words tangled in his throat. “I thought I’d give this place another shot. Didn’t expect to see you here.” He shifted uncomfortably. “I was hoping to get takeout. I didn’t mean to—” He trailed off, looking around like he was searching for a way out.
Buck’s anger flared. “Y- you never meant to what, Tommy?” His voice cracked. “You never meant to show up again? You never meant to talk to me?”
Tommy opens his mouth as if trying to answer but Buck didn’t let him.
“You never called!” Buck snapped, standing in front of Tommy, his chest heaving. “Why didn’t you send those messages? Tommy, I saw you typing. I- I saw that you’re about to text me, and then... nothing. Why didn’t you at least—try? You just—” He stopped, swallowing the anger that was threatening to spill over. “You just left, Tommy.”
Tommy’s eyes went wide, like he hadn’t expected Buck to confront him. He swallowed; his lips tight as he tried to gather himself.
“Buck—”
“No, don’t!” Buck snapped, stepping closer, his heart pounding in his chest.
Tommy’s face twisted with something that looked like regret, and for a second, he looked like he might say something—anything—but instead, he stepped closer, lowering his voice. “Not here” he muttered, his eyes darting to the few people walking by. He grabbed Buck’s arm gently, guiding him toward a more secluded spot near the side of the building.
Buck followed, his mind racing, his heart pounding with the hurt he still couldn’t shake off. He didn’t know if he should be relieved or angrier.
Once they were out of view, Tommy dropped his hand from Buck’s arm and stood there, looking at the ground, his shoulders tense.
Buck stood still, waiting. He couldn’t keep holding this in.
“I- I tried, Tommy. I tried to move on. To figure things out. Explore. Just like you told me. I did. But every time, no matter how hard I tried, it wasn’t you.” His voice broke as he spoke. “I kept looking for something, someone who felt like you. B- but it doesn’t work like that, does it? You can’t just replace what we had.”
Tommy’s breath caught in his throat, a deep sigh escaping his lips. He looked up at Buck, eyes filled with a mix of guilt and sorrow “I wanted to, you know. I wanted to call you,” he said quietly, looking down at the bag in his hands. “I was going to send them. I swear. But I just… I don’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to admit that I was the one who was breaking everything.”
Buck’s chest tightened, the ache in his heart turning into something sharper.
“So what? Y- you just gave up? You couldn’t even send a damn text, Tommy?” His voice was rising now. “What happened to us?”
Tommy winced at the words, his face falling.
“I couldn’t risk losing you, Buck. I thought—no, I knew—that you’d eventually realize I wasn’t enough. I’ve never been the person who was enough for anyone to stay. Everyone always left. I left.” Tears started to form on Tommy’s eyes and Buck aches— for him. For them. “I was so scared I would ruin everything with you. I never wanted to be the one who couldn’t give you what you deserved. Because you deserve everything in the world. And I knew I wasn’t the one you needed in the end.” Tommy’s voice softened, and there’s a shift in his expression that Buck doesn’t want to name. “I couldn’t bear to be the one to watch you leave me. I couldn’t… I couldn’t handle that so I thought if I left first, it would hurt less.”
Buck felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. The words Tommy said—their weight, the vulnerability in them—hit too hard. He wanted to scream, to yell at Tommy for leaving him, for being so damn afraid of something so real, for not trusting him, but instead, he was left standing there, numb, broken in ways he hadn’t understood until now.
“Buck—”
“Stop!” Buck couldn’t hold back. “I am Evan to you! Why do you keep calling me Buck? It sounds so wrong. It feels so wrong, Tommy.”
Tommy winced at the words, but it didn’t stop him from looking at Buck. “Evan… please,” he said, his voice hoarse, pleading. “I—” He swallowed. “I’ve messed up. I know I messed up. I just—”
“Messed up?” Buck barked, the frustration making his voice rise. “You left, Tommy. Y- you left without an explanation, without even letting me talk. You just—” His chest tightened, his throat burning with the anger he hadn’t been able to shake since the night Tommy walked out of his life. “You told me I was gonna leave you, that you weren’t gonna be the last for me, and then you just left, Tommy. Do you have any idea what that did to me? How could you—”
“I didn’t want to hurt you,” Tommy cut in, his voice trembling. “I never wanted to hurt you, Evan. You have to believe me. It was the last thing I wanted.”
Buck stared at him, feeling a mix of fury and helplessness wash over him. “Then why the hell did you do it? Why?” His voice cracked again, and for a second, it felt like everything he’d been holding inside was breaking loose. “I was ready to build a life with you, Tommy. I thought we were good. I thought—”
“I thought I could handle it,” Tommy said, looking down at his shoes. His voice was barely audible now, broken. “But I couldn’t. I couldn’t be the person you needed. I was terrified that I’d fail you like I failed everyone else before you. I couldn’t survive losing you, Evan. I couldn’t stand the thought of watching you realize you could do better than me.”
Buck stepped forward, too angry to think clearly. “S- so instead of trusting me, instead of talking to me about it, you decided to make the decision for me? For the both of us? You left me, Tommy. Y- you walked out, and I—” He choked back a sob, the pain of it all hitting him like a tidal wave. “I never asked for that. I- I never asked you to leave me. I wanted you to stay.”
Tommy’s eyes flickered with pain, guilt overtaking his features. “I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was giving you space, giving you a chance to figure it out. I thought maybe I was the one holding you back from what you needed.”
Buck laughed bitterly, shaking his head. “So you decided for me, huh? You didn’t trust me enough to let me make my own decisions. You didn’t trust me enough to let us figure it out together.”
“I didn’t trust myself.” Tommy admitted quietly, his voice barely above a whisper. “I didn’t trust that I could be the one you needed. I thought you needed to figure things out on your own. I thought maybe… maybe I was just your first. Your exploration.”
Buck blinked, taken aback by the bluntness of Tommy’s words. “What?”
Tommy took a deep breath, his shoulders tense. “I thought I was just a step in your journey, Evan. You just discovered you liked men. And I'm just... I'm just the guy you happened to fall into while you're working all that out.”
Buck’s blood ran cold. “I- is that what you think this is? That I was just using you as a placeholder until I figured things out?” His chest tightened. “That’s not true. I didn’t know I like men until I met you, yes, but that doesn’t mean you’re just... just someone to help me figure things out. I— you are important to me, Tommy. It’s you that I want. N- not someone else that your mind has made you believe that I need.” His voice cracked, and for the first time, he let himself feel the weight of that abandonment.
A sigh escapes Tommy, and he runs a hand through his hair, trying to keep his voice steady. “I thought eventually you’d find someone else. Someone who was more sure of themself. Someone who had it together. Because I know that you think I’ve had it all figured out but, Evan... I don’t.” Tommy looked into Buck's eyes. “I’m not that guy, Evan. I’m just good at pretending that I do. I’m good at putting on a mask and acting like I’m okay. I was scared,” Tommy confessed, his voice breaking now. “I’ve never had a relationship like this before. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be good enough for you, that I wouldn’t be able to be the person you think I am. That I’d disappoint you.” He paused, looking at Buck with a vulnerability that made Buck’s heart ache. “I thought I wasn’t enough to make you stay. I thought I was just a chapter for you. Not the whole story.”
Buck’s breath caught in his throat. He could feel the distance between them—an invisible wall made of fear and misunderstandings, things left unsaid. “Tommy, I never needed anyone else. I- I’ve tried, after you left, I tried. But no matter what, it isn’t the same. It’s always you that I want. I’ve been aching for you, for everything we had.” His voice broke as he stepped closer. “You don’t get to decide what I need, not like that.”
Buck’s breath hitched as he spoke, eyes squeezing shut in an effort to hold back the flood of emotion threatening to overtake him. “F- for the first time in my life… I was finally in a relationship where I could just be myself.” His voice broke, the confession weighing more heavily than he ever expected it to. “A- and I was also afraid, Tommy.”
Buck’s eyes flickered up, meeting Tommy’s. There was a tremble in his words, in his hands. “I—I was also afraid of losing you. Just like you. I- I’ve never had anyone stay long enough. I was afraid I’d mess things up again, and that you’d realize that I’m too much. And that… that scares me, Tommy.”
Buck’s lip quivered, but he didn’t look away. “I wanted us to work… I—I need us to work. Because for the first time in my life, I found someone I could see a future with. A-and that’s with you. Only with you.”
Buck wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand, his voice breaking further as the words tumbled out. “And… and when you left…” He choked on the next part, his chest heavy with the words he had to say. “W- when you left, Tommy, I didn’t know how to fix it. I didn’t know how to make it right. I wanted to… I wanted to fight for us.” He inhaled shakily, voice barely above a whisper. “But I was also afraid. Afraid you’d just… turn me down. And I—I don’t know if I could handle that.”
Buck’s tears fell freely now, his hands trembling as he wiped them away, but his gaze never left Tommy’s face. “But despite everything, Tommy, despite all of it... I still want to be with you. I still need you. I still want us.”
When Buck finished speaking, the silence between them felt suffocating. Tommy looked like he wanted to say something, but he stopped himself. He just looked at Buck, like he was trying to understand everything he had failed to see before.
Tommy then swallowed hard and took a shaky step forward, towards Buck. As if drawn by an invisible force, Buck also took a tentative step forward, toward the man his body ached for.
Tommy’s voice barely audible but filled with that same deep longing. “Evan…” His breath was unsteady as he spoke, and it’s as if Buck could feel the tremor in his hands as they tried to reach out, almost as if they were too afraid to touch. “Baby…” and the whole dam broke inside of Buck’s chest at the endearment. Tears welled up and slipped down his face, unstoppable. The tenderness in Tommy’s voice cracked something deep inside him, and the weight of it all poured out in silent sobs, each tear a release of everything he’d been holding in.
Tommy took another step, the space between them now unbearable, and the words came out raw, unfiltered. “I’ve been a wreck since we... since we broke up. I thought if I just walked away, maybe… maybe I could stop wanting you. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop wanting us too, baby.” Tommy’s voice cracked on the last words, a hint of desperation creeping in.
Buck wanted to tell Tommy that he never wanted anyone else too, that Tommy is all that he needed, but the words got stuck. Instead, he just reached out and cupped Tommy’s face, his thumb brushing over his cheek, then to his cleft.
“I- I thought about calling you every day,” Buck whispered, his voice shaking.
Buck can feel as Tommy’s breath hitched, as he leaned into Buck’s touch, eyes closing briefly as if he was trying to absorb it all. “I thought about texting you, Evan,” Tommy murmured. “I thought about it so many times. But every time I started; I’d stop. I didn’t think I had the right to anymore.”
Buck stepped closer, their faces inches apart. “Tommy… you do,” he said, his heart thudded as he reached for Tommy’s hand. “I- I don’t know how to make it work, but I want to try. Together.”
He could see it in Tommy's eyes—the hesitation, the uncertainty—and he knew it mirrored his own. He wanted to bridge the gap between them, to give them both something more, but the risk of rejection was still there, lurking.
When he said Tommy’s name, his voice felt like a plea, though he never meant it to be. He couldn’t just ask for something halfhearted anymore. He needed this to be real. Needed Tommy to hear him, really hear him. Together. It had always been about that, hadn’t it? The together. Even when everything had fallen apart, that had never stopped haunting him.
He watched Tommy’s reaction so closely that for a moment, he forgot to breathe. Tommy’s face was unreadable at first—eyes wide, lips pressed tight. The air between them thickened, heavy with everything that had been unsaid for so long. But then, something shifted. There was a small flicker of something in Tommy's gaze—a crack in the armor. Vulnerability. It was fleeting, but it was there.
Tommy’s hand trembled as it reached for his, and it made Buck's heart race even more. He hadn’t expected the touch to feel like that—like it was the most natural thing in the world, despite all the scars, all the history. Their fingers entwined, and Buck could feel the unspoken weight in that simple contact. Tommy was still uncertain, still cautious, but he didn’t pull away. That was enough.
When Tommy spoke, his voice was low and rough, and Buck sucked in a shaky breath at the vulnerability in it. “I want that too.” Those words, so quietly said, felt like a release—a crack in a wall that had been holding both of them back.
Buck’s hands shook as he cupped Tommy’s face, wiping the tears running down his cheeks. “But you have to trust me this time. We have to work on this. We can’t do this if you keep running.”
Tommy nodded, closed his eyes as tears starts welling up again. “I won’t run anymore,” he promised. “I swear, I won’t and I’m sorry, baby. I am so sorry. I should’ve never let you go. I thought I was doing what was best for you. But I see now—you were always what I needed, too.”
Buck swallowed the lump in his throat. He’d never felt so vulnerable in his entire life. The man who had once been his rock was standing there, broken. It was both terrifying and painful to see.
The words just spilled out of Buck, raw and unfiltered. “Tommy, I—" He stopped himself, not wanting to rush it, but the words were already there, pressed against his chest. He looked up, met Tommy's eyes, and his voice dropped to a whisper. "I love you."
The words were like a salve to both of their wounds. Neither of them had ever said them aloud before, and now, hearing it made everything else seem unimportant. They both had their scars, their fears, but in this moment, it felt like they were both raw and exposed. Buck hadn’t planned to say them yet. He wasn’t sure he was ready to hear them back, but he needed Tommy to know how he felt. He needed Tommy to understand that, even after everything, even after all the mistakes and hurt, he still loved him.
Buck’s heart raced as he stood there. He wasn’t sure what to expect. He wasn’t sure if Tommy would even say anything back. There had been so much left unsaid for so long, and Buck wasn’t sure they were ready to fill in the gaps. But what he did know, what he’d known all along, was that love—his love for Tommy—hadn’t gone anywhere. It was still here, buried beneath all the fear, the doubt, the uncertainty.
Tommy was quiet for a long moment, his gaze fixed on Buck. Buck could see the way his face softened, his eyes searching Buck’s, like he was trying to decide whether this moment was real, whether the words meant what they both hoped it did. The silence felt like it stretched on forever, but in that silence, Buck felt something shift. Because Tommy wasn’t pulling away. He wasn’t running.
And then Tommy spoke. His voice was low, almost a whisper, but it was clear, steady.
“I love you too.”
It felt like a shock to Buck’s system. A jolt, a flood of relief, a wave of emotion crashing over him. His chest tightened, and for a second, he couldn’t breathe. He had wanted to hear it—had needed to hear it—but hearing those words, actually hearing them from Tommy, felt like the world had just re-centered. It was like he had been holding his breath for so long and had finally exhaled.
“I love you too, Evan.” Tommy said again, softer this time, his hand reaching out toward Buck. His touch was gentle, almost tentative, but it was there, real and warm. Buck’s eyes fluttered shut, overwhelmed by the sincerity in Tommy’s voice, in the way his hand rested on his arm like a silent promise.
Buck’s mind was still catching up. He didn’t expect to hear those words back. Not right away, not like this. But Tommy had said them, and it felt like the floodgates had opened. The relief, the joy, the overwhelming sense of finally being seen and heard—it all came rushing in, so strong that Buck had to take a steadying breath to keep himself from getting lost in it.
A grin tugged at Buck’s lips, unable to hold back the relief and happiness that surged through him. He reached out instinctively, his hand brushing over Tommy’s, fingers sliding together, holding on like he was afraid Tommy might vanish if he let go. Tommy’s hand tightened around his, a silent reassurance that they were both still here, still present.
Without thinking, Buck leaned forward and kissed Tommy. And when Tommy kissed him back, it was like the world fell away. All the hurt, the misunderstandings, the time apart—it all melted in the heat of their touch. Their lips moved together with an intensity that spoke louder than any words could. It wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t frantic—it was soft, deliberate, full of everything they had missed, everything they had wanted but hadn’t known how to ask for.
It was a kiss of longing, of relief, of understanding. It was the kiss that said, I’m here. We’re here. Together.
When they finally pulled away, they were both breathing heavily.
Buck looked at Tommy, his voice thick with emotion. “You… you really mean that?”
Tommy nodded, his eyes full of something soft, something vulnerable. “Yeah,” he said. “I do. I’m not perfect, Evan. I don’t have all the answers. But I love you baby. And I want to try us again.”
Buck swallowed hard, still feeling the warmth of their kiss lingering between them. His voice was low, raw with emotion, as he reached up to gently cup Tommy’s face. “I- I don’t need you to be perfect, Tommy,” he murmured, his thumb brushing across Tommy’s cheek. “I don’t need you to have all the answers. I just need you to be... you. To let me in. I’m not asking you to fix anything, or to be this... perfect version of yourself. I just want to be with you. Whatever that looks like.”
This time, it was Tommy that closed the space between them, his hand sliding to the back of Buck’s neck. His thumb brushed gently over his skin, and for the first time in what felt like forever, Buck closed his eyes, letting the touch sink deep into him.
Buck’s hands slid to Tommy’s waist— gripping him desperately, pulling him in so close that their bodies seemed to fuse together, feeling the steady beat of his heart against his chest. Buck is not sure if it was him, or Tommy, or both of them— but the kiss deepened, becoming more urgent, more desperate. Their lips met with a force that knocked the breath from their lungs, teeth scraping painfully against each other, but neither of them cared. Tommy’s tears mixed with Buck’s as they held on tighter, as if they were both drowning and the only way to stay afloat was in each other’s arms. They kissed like they couldn’t breathe without each other, like the world around them had disappeared.
When they pulled back, both of them were breathing heavily, their foreheads resting together, their bodies still connected, their hearts pounding in sync, and Buck couldn’t help but smile.
“I love you,” Buck murmured into Tommy’s ear again, just for himself, just to feel it again.
Tommy’s response was a soft, breathless laugh, and then, without saying another word, he kissed Buck again, slower this time, savoring the moment, as if they had all the time in the world. Tommy’s arms wrapped around him, holding him tight.
They stayed like that for a moment, wrapped in each other's arms, their lips moving together, letting the quiet say everything their hearts couldn’t. There was still so much to work through, still fear to confront. They didn’t have all the answers, but they had each other—and that was enough. Enough to start over. Enough to rebuild.
And for the first time in a long while, Buck felt the weight lifted from his chest, a deep sense of peace settling in. He is home.