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Rooks’s footsteps echoed off the walls in the hallway leading to his room. Why the fuck Solas had hallways this long leading to every room in the lighthouse he will never understand. His pace quickened with his heart beat and he started running the last five feet to his makeshift room. He opened the door more roughly than he wanted, hoping to the Maker that Taash’s hearing wasn't as good as their sense of smell, and closed it quickly behind him. He didn't move away, both palms pressed against the door's wood (was it wood?), head hanging between his arms. His heart still racing.
He fucked up.
Shit, he fucked up so badly. He took a shaky breath to try and calm himself down, but his heart just wouldn't stop. Slowly his palms slid down the door and he was on his knees. He could feel his hands shaking as he brought them to his thighs. He needed to calm down. Damn it, he needs to calm down or he’s going to send himself into a panic.
He started doing his breathing he was taught to control his rage, focusing on getting his heart to stop trying to beat itself out of his chest. Eventually, his heart calmed down and he stopped the meditation before he accidentally sent his consciousness to Solas. Wouldn't that be hilarious,
“Hey, Solas! Sorry, I didn't mean to come here, just needed to do some meditation before I had a panic attack over the fact I'm a terrible person and am going to break the hearts of half my team. Haha okay bye!”
Rook groaned and fell forward into the door. His head hit it a little too hard. “Ow, fuck!” He raised his hand and rubbed the spot he hit, “No less than I deserve, I guess.” Rook mumbles to himself, finally getting up and walking over to the couch.
Sitting down and resting his head back, he groaned again, “I'm a fucking idiot.”
What had he been thinking, flirting with his entire team? It had escalated so quickly after Taash. They were a Lord Of Fortune, so they knew all the Lords were incorrigible flirts, and never meant anything by it. But Taash was also blunt and asked him straight if he was interested romantically. He wasn’t and told her so, but after pushing him against the broken Eluvian he was sure interested physically, if they ever wanted to try. Harding interrupting was probably a blessing now in hindsight.
Bellara was next on his list of check-ins before he went to bed. Walking in on her writing sent a warm pang through his body, reminding him of his early days with Varric. He had meant it when he said they could see where it took them. Bellara was adorable and so sad. He just wanted to cheer her up, and what better way than an offer of dancing and food?
Then he talked to Harding and she was also sad and confused. He told her about his dreams of being naked at the worst times, like a dumbass. Then offered to be there as she sleeps in the hope it would help her nightmares, like an even bigger dumbass. But it had worked, and Harding was giggling and smiling again. It had made him feel warm. Then like the biggest dumbass he apparently was, he told her they can see where it goes.
Feeling like the world's largest asshole he then went to Emmrich, hoping to have a normal conversation, but no. He was sitting there looking like he stepped out of a painting he saved from old ruins when on a job with the Lords. Emmrich showed him such magical things and it swept him up in the moment. He had never been so grateful for Manfred's poor timing in his life.
It only got worse. Walking in on Neve’s little stakeout, and jokingly flirting with her was a relief after the three other conversations he had today, but then her laughter died and she got sad. Apparently, he doesn't handle it well when his friends are sad and he almost kissed her. Walking out of Neve's office after that felt like he had been stabbed in the gut. She’s been through so much after the dragon attacks. He has worked so hard to get her to trust him again after he chose Treviso, and he might have just thrown all that into the garbage and asked Taash to set it on fire.
He went to Darvin after that. Rook was a flirt and still couldn't help himself, even with the twisted feeling still in his gut. Darvin was a Grey Warden though, and they knew their time was limited. He asked Rook directly where he saw them going, and Rook told him he didn't. He only flirts for fun and that was that with Darvin, no hard feelings, and now they knew where they stood with each other.
Feeling like he was finally on the right track again, he went to check on Lucanis. He should have known better. Winged scorch marks on the wall are never a good sign of anything but behind Lucanis, it was kinda breathtaking. Rook had flirted again, giving Lucanis his most charming smile and not backing down when Lucanis pulled the 'I'm an abomination' excuse like Lucanis wouldn't be the first abomination he slept with. He hadn't expected Lucanis to walk forward, slowly place his hand above his head, causing Rook’s back to press against the wall, all while saying that this was a bad idea.
Rook knows it's a bad idea. He just had about six other conversations before this that screamed this was a bad idea, but Lucanis was looking at him like he has never done before and Rook needed to touch him. Lucanis tells him he walks too close to the edge, and he’s right. Rook has teetered on an edge his entire life. Pushing people to fall, getting them to cross lines they thought they would never cross. For good or for ill, but always for his benefit and he’s never the one falling. He sees that edge now. Lucanis is at its bottom and he’s the one that is falling. Maybe, this one time, he'll let someone else catch him. Lucanis turned his head, backed away, and left. Rook waited until he couldn’t hear Lucanis footsteps anymore and finally let out a gasp that sounded like he had actually hit the ground.
That led him here. On his couch, well Solas’ couch, having a crisis, because he told five of his seven team members he was romantically interested in them and they all deserve better than the mess that was Niccolino ‘Rook’ Laidir.
Rook sighed, staring blankly up at the stone ceiling. “Well, Laidir. You sure have gotten yourself in it now.”
Rook brought his hand up to his mouth. He could still feel the tingle of Lucanis’ breath when it ghosted against his own. Now wasn't that something? Rook might be a dumbass but he isn't an idiot. He knows what is happening and he knows what he is feeling. You don't survive Tevintre slave without learning how to hide and suppress emotions people don't want to see and fake the ones people do. He just had to go and start falling for the one companion that rejected him.
“Karma's a bitch, I guess.” He sighed, moving his hand to run down his face. It couldn't have waited until a little later though? This all happened in like an hour. Whatever, one more thing to add to the deal-with-this-later list.
Rook swung his feet up onto the couch and lay down. One of these days he should ask the caretaker for a blanket and pillow or just buy some himself. Rook watches the fish in the fade window swim peacefully around and slowly falls asleep. He wonders, right before he succumbs to sleep if a first kiss truly would have tasted bitter and sweet.
