Chapter Text
Save me? Chapter One:
Mickey sat across from his sister with the prison glass in between them, trying to hold up the phone to his ear as she spoke. He felt like he was going to faint, or scream or hit the glass and watch it shatter. The words kept repeating in his head, Ian is in the hospital. Ian is on suicide watch.
“Mick!” she yelled to get his attention.
“He…He actually tried…I thought he was taking his...” His voice trailed off, unable to finish his thoughts, let alone the sentences he was trying to string together.
“I know, He said he was for a long time, something happened, I don’t know Mick, he looks so weak and broken.” She hung her head low. The buzzer sounded letting him know to wrap up the conversation, that was really one-sided. He ran his hands through his hair.
“God, I wish I wasn’t in this fucking place, not like he’d care, he fucking…Ugh, just keep an eye on him okay.” He sighed. There was no way he could go to him, even if Ian refused to see him, which judging by their last conversation, he probably would but it didn’t matter, he was stuck in this place with no contact. She nodded at him as he went to hang up the phone.
“Wait, one more thing, I gave the guard the number to his room, I don’t know if you want to, but you know, maybe hearing from you will lift his spirits, he misses you, Mick.” She said before getting up.
He misses you. Yeah right. He didn’t give a damn.
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Ian sat in his room looking around, he had truly forgotten how alone he felt in this place, the last few weeks hadn’t been too bad, he had been numbed by the medications they were putting him on, and he had been depressed but empty, now that they were starting to even out, it was even worse. How was that possible? How could a person feel more depressed than before?
Guilt, that’s how. When he was numb on his meds, he didn’t feel the weight of his life. He didn’t feel how much he missed his former lover and friend. It was hard to tell which part of Mickey he missed more, the boyfriend, or the friend. The Mickey who protected him and loved him, the Mickey it had taken so long to finally see and once he did, he just ripped it all to shreds. He said he didn’t want Mickey to fix him, and that was true, but he did want him to save him from himself right now.
The night it all went down, the night he got hospitalized, he had absentmindedly called Mickey’s phone, only to remember that he wasn’t anywhere he could find him, he remembered that earlier that week he had tried to visit Mickey in prison but found he was no longer on the approved visitor's list. It was then that he realized, how much he had royally fucked up. Mickey no longer wanted to see him, he no longer wanted him and Ian had only one person to blame for that. That night he had been off of his meds for a few days, and it all went from there. The guilt, the memories, the everything, it all spiraled out, like a bad acid trip, then there were the drugs, the countless drugs that he had taken, not one of them being the drugs he should have been taking. By the end of the night, he couldn’t remember anything, he felt fine, and on an extreme high like no other until the words that played through his head. A promise he had made to Mickey, a long, long time ago, and he dialed Mandy’s number.
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Mandy sat outside the waiting room waiting for them to let her in to see Ian, she was still so worried that she would walk in there and he would be worse, she wanted to be able to see her brother later and tell him, that it was fine, that Ian was getting better and they would get him through this. She somehow thought that if she could somehow believe that, it would all be better, Ian would get better and everything would be fine, they would sit around and catch up and then they would go see Mickey and everything would go back. She knew better, though. Mickey was locked up for the next 14 plus years, and Ian was locked up in a different kind of way for an undetermined amount of time.
She sighed as she finally could get up to walk into the room. She felt her breath hitch as she saw Ian laying on his side away from her much like he was when she had first arrived earlier in the week. Then she had just been thankful that she had gotten ahold of Lip and Fiona in time to get to him, now she was terrified that he would be in the same state he had been then.
She froze as she watched him turn over and look at the door. He smiled lightly but distantly. “Hey, Mands.” He spoke and she smiled lightly. She felt herself breathe again as she made her way to sit beside him. She could tell he was hesitating to ask her something, so as to not torture him further she spoke.
“He’s okay Ian. Not fantastic, but okay.” She said lightly touching his face as he nodded. He looked down for a minute before speaking.
“He hates me, and I deserve it.” She looked at him confused.
“Hates you? Ian Gallagher, where did you get a fucked up idea like that?” she practically shrieked. “H…He…Refused….to…” she could see the tears welling up in his eyes. “I deserve it when he wanted…to…see me…I was…I was…horrible.” He shook as he spoke.
She was afraid of the answer to the question, she was about to ask. “Did you…Did this all start because of Mickey?” she asked eyeing him. He didn’t answer but she knew. Had Mickey really refused to see him, why didn’t she know about it? “Are you sure, he refused to see you? Maybe he was in the hole or some shit?” she asked.
“N...No, they said, I was no longer on the list. On any of the lists.” He sighed. Any? What the hell was that supposed to mean, how many freaking lists?
“Well maybe it was a mistake, Ian, when I talked to him, told him about you, he seemed worried.”
“Of course, he’s worried, doesn’t mean he doesn’t hate me.” He turned back over as to say, the conversation was over and he was done for the day.
Mandy got up and looked back at Ian. “He doesn’t hate you, Ian, maybe he’s a little mad at you, but when has that ever stopped the two of you before.” And she walked out after that.
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Mickey sat looking down. A few of the letters from his tattoo peeking out at him. Taunting him. He was tired and worn down. Ian was in the hospital, Ian was sick again, Ian tried to kill himself. He could bearly breathe. When the guard came by to tell him it was time to go see his visitor, he almost didn’t hear him. “Yeah, I'm going.” He walked out to see his sister looking up at him with a distant look of despair in her eyes. He almost turned around and went back, not wanting to hear what she had to say. Would she say that Ian was worse? Would she say he was fine, and he still didn’t want anything to do with Mickey? The truth was maybe those things would be better than what he was about to hear. “well princess, I ain't got all day. How is he?” she sighed looking up at him.
“Did…Did you actually take him off your visitor's list?” she asked bearly above a whisper. “No…why would I…” then he froze. He hadn’t, had he? Then the realization hit him, that day, that day that Ian had left after, false promising he would wait for Mickey, the look in his eyes that almost killed Mickey, the looked that caused him to go up to the guard later and tell him to take the fucker off of his list. “Fuck!” he screamed, the guard stepped to him but he waved him off.
“No…why would I…” then he froze. He hadn’t, had he? Then the realization hit him, that day, that day that Ian had left after, false promising he would wait for Mickey, the look in his eyes that almost killed Mickey, the looked that caused him to go up to the guard later and tell him to take the fucker off of his list. “Fuck!” he screamed, the guard stepped to him but he waved him off.
He bowed his head but then looked up suddenly. “How would you know that though? Did you check up on me?” he eyed his sister, refusing to admit to himself the real reason she would have known. Ian told her, and he would only know if he had tried to come and see him if he had willingly tried to come and see him and then been refused. “He tried to come and see me?” he asked as she nodded.
“He told me that you hated him and he deserves it.” No, he thinks.
“Please tell me there is another reason why he did this Mandy!? He didn’t do this because I wouldn’t see him, he didn’t go off his meds and go all crazy because of me!!!!!", He screamed. He couldn’t even look at his sister, he slammed the phone down and motioned to the guard to come and get him.
Later he was in the yard, trying to concentrate on everything that brought him to this moment. If he hadn’t of gotten locked up for trying to kill that psycho bitch, he would have been able to prevent this, he would have gotten mad at Ian and told him to go away, and Ian would have come back and he would have been able to tell him that he didn’t mean it. But now, what was he supposed to do? His thoughts were brought back to Mandy’s first visit. “I gave the guard the number.” She had said then. He hadn’t really thought about it much since then. Which guard was there that day? He hadn’t even asked him about it. Was it because Ian was on his no-contact list? Fuck.
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Ian was staring at the wall. Not much else to do in this place. Everyone had visited today; he was done with people. He didn’t want to hear from or see one more of them. They were driving him insane. It had taken so long for him to get them to back off on the meds and the constant babying him, he knew once he was released it would be worse. He had no idea when that would be, he was officially off of suicide watch but that didn’t mean he was busting out anytime soon. The only good thing about being in here was that visiting hours ended and they all had to get away from him for a while. The phone rang and he sighed. He almost didn’t pick it up. He slowly picked up the receiver, hearing an automated message he hadn’t expected. “Yes, Yes, I accept the fucking charges.” He said through the receiver. Then he heard it. “Hey.” It was simple, but it was amazing.
“Mick?” he asked.