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The logs from the wood pile weighed heavily in Snufkin’s arms. Pill bugs and spiders darted from their hiding spots within the wood out into the sun. It was midsummer’s eve, and Snufkin was helping Moominpapa build the bonfire. The mood was jolly and carefree, and the weather so perfect, in Snufkin’s opinion at the very least. However, his mind was clouded and stomach tied in knots. This party would be very different from ones before, because after much encouragement from Too-Ticky, he was going to come clean about his feelings for Moomintroll.
It had taken him nearly a decade to finally come to terms with what he felt, why he came back to the valley every spring, and why his thoughts were filled with his best friend while he was away. He hadn’t recognized it as romantic love at first, especially when he was younger. But as he grew, denial built a nest in his mind. He had always thought it was imperative one knew one’s own mind well, but perhaps he was a hypocrite, and perhaps he lied to himself to cover for what he knew deep down to be true. This angst plagued him for a few years. However, after a very difficult heart to heart with Too-Ticky one fall on his way out of Moominvalley, he had since accepted his feelings for his best friend.
Melancholy was an unfortunate annex to the territory of acceptance, however, and these feelings were particularly bothersome for him, as they contradicted the values he had so strongly built his identity upon. One shouldn’t allow oneself to be chained like this, and though love was a part of life, it wasn’t the be all end all, and shouldn’t stop one from moving on. Yet with every passing year, he found himself seeking Moomintroll’s companionship over and over again, and as his friend grew older, it became more and more clear with each passing year that Snufkin was no longer on the pedestal he once was. A twisted part of Snufkin had relied on being so elevated in Moomintroll’s mind, as it meant he was more free to do what he wanted without regards to his best friend’s feelings, and in turn, Moomintroll wouldn’t grow frustrated and tired of him and decide to leave him behind.
But Snufkin had been put in a more difficult spot the last year. Moomintroll seemed less apt to put up with Snufkin’s behavior. He’d been called out for dodging uncomfortable situations more often, and been rejected from hanging out more often in favor of Moomintroll being alone. The ball was more frequently in Moomintroll’s court, right where he didn’t want it to be.
Yet at the same time, the guilt of his darker tendencies weighed upon him heavily. He hadn’t always treated Moomintroll as an equal, despite him very well being one. He could sometimes even be downright cruel and lazy when it came to their friendship. It was hardly treatment one should be giving to the object of one’s affection; yet a bitter taste of his own medicine that he struggled to swallow. Instead of voicing his emotions, he had favored leaving. It was rather cowardly, in fact, and he’d spent many long, sleepless nights beating himself up over it. Sleepless nights only heightened his emotions, and whenever he was able to rest, his sleep was filled with nightmares. This cycle had gotten bad enough that he had once again found himself on Too-Ticky’s doorstep one rainy evening about a week ago.
Her words echoed through his head and served as his mantra: “you’ve carried this weight for far too long, lad. The thing about freedom is that everything deserves it, even feelings, you know. And no matter the outcome, you’ll find that with them out into the light, you will finally, truly be free.”
He knew what he needed to do, and he knew tonight was the perfect time, as it was a magical night. Almost spiritual, in a way, and romantic, no doubt. Not to mention, Moomintroll was rather sentimental, and maybe it’d make him swoon. Snufkin would always find his face warm and heart beat a little faster whenever he entertained himself with the thought of an adorably over-dramatic Moomintroll. At worst, the midnight sun would make his packing up and leaving the valley that much easier.
Snufkin graciously permitted Moominpapa the ego fuel of telling him how to build the bonfire properly as his thoughts were too preoccupied anyway. He tried to focus on the rough texture of the wood, secretly hoping he’d get a splinter from it so that he would have something for himself to concentrate on that was too annoying to ignore. As he leaned the tips of the logs together, he heard Moomintroll call out his name, startling him and making the logs fall. His heart raced and every muscle in his body tensed.
“Snufkin, I made this for you, I think it’ll suit you,” Moomintroll said. He carried a flower crown of bird cherry, with bell flowers and lilly-of-the-valley dotted in.
“Oh Moomintroll,” Snufkin said, taking off his hat so his friend could carefully slide it down to the brim, “it’s beautiful. Thank you.”
The Moomin appeared pleased with himself. “It’s nothing really! I’m just glad you like it.”
“Moomintroll!” It was Moominmamma calling from the porch, “I’d like you to come help me chop some vegetables, if you don’t mind.”
“Coming, mamma!” Moomintroll called back.
He turned to Snufkin, “I’ll see you in a bit, alright?”
“Yes, yes, of course,” Snufkin said. As Moomintroll bounded away, a mixture of relief and adoration flooded him and he let out a sigh.
His hat did truly look wonderful with his best friend’s creation on it. Moomintroll was such a generous person, so thoughtful with his gifts, and gave without reason or expectation of anything in return. Not to mention he really did seem to have an eye for design and the steady hands and dexterity needed to bring his designs into reality. Steady hands were a quality Snufkin lacked, likely not helped by his rather nasty smoking habit, which he was actually trying to quit, thank you very much.
“Are you just going to stand there staring at your hat or are you going to help me build this fire, son?” The gruff voice of Moominpapa broke Snufkin’s reverie.
“Yes, Moominpapa,” Snufkin said as he placed his hat back on his head.
Moominpapa laughed to himself as he walked away, and Snufkin continued his work, going back and forth to the log pile.
This whole situation was made slightly easier by the fact that Snorkmaiden had broken up with Moomintroll last year. It wasn’t a nasty breakup, thankfully. She had simply realized that she built her identity around playing a role and needed to find herself. Moomintroll understandably had felt whiplash from this as he didn’t see it coming, but as the dust settled he seemed as though a weight had been lifted. Still, Snufkin had no evidence that his best friend was even interested in anyone other than women, of course. There’d been plenty of times it was called into question — Snorkmaiden even called Snufkin a home-wrecker to his face during one of her and Moomintroll’s spats, though she did apologize later — however he was most likely looking into it too much.
The bonfire had been built to Moominpapa’s liking and the sun was closing in on the horizon now. Mooninmamma and Moomintroll were bringing out hors d’oeuvres and greeting people as they arrived. Such a gracious host he was. But as the evening progressed Snufkin knew the time to confess was drawing nearer. His palms were clammy and his stomach made him feel downright sick. Moominpapa had taken up home-brewing beer as a new hobby recently, and perhaps Snufkin could taste test some of his concoctions to take the edge off.
Thankfully, Moominpapa already had his kegs set up, but he seemed overly eager to discuss his creations with anyone who stepped near him. Any other time, this would be something Snufkin avoided, as Moompapa’s rambles often felt like a social cage, but he could suffer through for now if it meant getting alcohol into his system.
Snufkin only needed to be within earshot of the kegs before being greeted by Moominpapa, “Ah, Snufkin. Care to try my brews? Of course you do. This IPA will certainly be to your liking, c’mon, give it a go.”
And a foamy mug was in his hands before he could even respond. He sipped. It was rather bitter, but not so much that it was undrinkable. Definitely not chug-able, but there was no way Moomintroll would find a sloppy drunk attractive, so it worked out well enough.
“What do you think, son?” Moominpapa asked.
“I like that it’s very, uh,” Snufkin racked his brain for any sophisticated terminology that would satisfy Moominpapa, “hop-forward.”
“That it is! I knew I could count on you to have a good opinion!” Moominpapa cheered, “now, since you enjoy it, you should know how it was made. I started off with–“
“I really have somewhere to be, I’m afraid,” Snufkin shut that down right away.
“Oh, why yes, I’m sure my son is looking for you somewhere,” Moominpapa conceded.
“Thank you for the beer,” Snufkin said, and quickly turned away before any more one-sided conversation could be had, all the while sipping his beer and feeling it hit him rather quickly. Surely Moomintroll was too busy hosting to be looking for him.
As the alcohol settled in, so too did dread. In fact, the alcohol seemed to make Snufkin’s anxiety even worse. He always used to pull out his pipe to have a smoke whenever he felt like this. Of course, he was trying to quit. But, this was an important day, so maybe he could put off quitting just for tonight. Not to mention, Moomintroll did tell him once that he found the smell of tobacco to be pleasant, and he could use a little cologne of sorts.
His pipe was down in his tent. Beer in hand, he quickly dodged through guests to get down to his camp. He dug through his backpack until he found it, but that was only step one. Step two would be significantly harder: he needed to find where his tobacco had been stashed. Earlier in the week when he came to the conclusion he needed to start quitting, he’d given it all to Moominmamma, so it must be somewhere in the Moominhouse.
He peaked out his tent. All three of the moomins were outside, Moominpapa still manning his keg, Moominmamma handing out plates to hungry guests, and Moomintroll speaking with the Hemulan. His opening was clear, so he snuck around the outskirts of the party, and went inside.
While in, he figured he’d make a detour to the restroom to be sure he appeared presentable. He took notice of the flower crown on his hat again in the mirror, admiring the simple white bird cherry flowers, varying texture of the the little lily-of-the-valleys, and pops of blue courtesy of the bell flowers. It looked perfect. His scarf, however, needed to be adjusted, and his hair did not seem to want to sit right. He spent longer than he was comfortable admitting trying to fix himself up, then quickly set out hunting for his tobacco.
He searched everywhere, Moominpapa’s study, Moomintroll’s room, under couches in the living room, the kitchen cabinets, cellar. No luck.
The last place he thought to check, though he knew it was a long shot, was the stove. He moved the ‘do not light’ sign to the side to unlatch it and swing the cast iron door open, but was met with the face of the Ancestor. How could he have forgotten that this was its lair? The creature gave Snufkin such a fright he had fallen backwards and his pipe slipped out of his pocket. Before he was even able to react, the Ancestor had already scooped it into its paws.
“Wait no, give that back!” Snufkin cried. The creature snorted and chewed on the wood. Of course this would happen. Why wouldn’t it have?
The Ancestor was out the veranda doors and up onto the roof. It could blend in with the deepening twilight well enough, but Snufkin knew he’d look rather out of place scaling the Moominhouse during a party, only for the Ancestor to have likely chewed up his pipe to the point of no return anyway. He let out a frustrated groan and stomped his way out of the Moominhouse.
Before he was able to get very far, something very small stepped on his foot. He looked down at Little My. Of course she’d want to mess with him now of all times.
“Going somewhere?” She asked smugly.
“It’s none of your business,” Snufkin replied.
“You’re acting like a total clown, Snufkin.”
Snufkin kicked his foot to get her off. How dare she?
“Leave me alone, Little My.”
“Nice flowers, Romeo,” she quipped. It was taking every fiber of Snufkin’s being not to drop kick her into the sunset. Instead, he took a deep breath and started walking away. The high road.
“Yeah, that’s it, right to your sweet, darling Moomintroll with you, casanova ,” That was it. “I know he’s got something he-“
“I can’t have a smoke, I’m on edge, and you decide now is the time to be so cruel to me?” His arms were out to his sides, he was leaning over Little My, but the look on her face made him remember how much bigger he was and perhaps he had gone too far losing his cool.
“Cruel to you?”
It struck him that she was unaware of his plans to confess to Moomintroll. Maybe his reaction was a bit overdone, considering she’d teased him like this before and he hadn’t reacted the same way. He backed down.
“I’m sorry, Little My.” He turned away and pulled the brim of his hat down in shame. It’s not that he’d ever told her his feelings for Moomintroll, but she was particularly good at finding her prey’s deepest weaknesses to then conduct psychological warfare on them, so it was clear to Snufkin that she knew.
“Obviously withdrawals,” she rolled her eyes, but it was clear his sister was waving a white flag.
“Well, it doesn’t help, but I think tonight is the night I finally grow a backbone.”
“Which means…?” Little My asked with a knowing look, clearly trying to get it out of Snufkin.
He knew he had to say it out loud to someone, just to hold himself accountable.
“I finally need to tell Moomintroll how I feel.” He went pale, legs jelly. There was no going back now.
Little My raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, finally, you’re right about that,” she said with smug laugh. She looked him up and down, “oh c’mon pal, it can’t be that scary.”
He must’ve appeared as though he’d seen a ghost, except a ghost wouldn’t frighten him nearly as much. He felt as though he couldn’t breathe. What was he doing? Now he wouldn’t be able to dip out lest Little My never let him live it down or worse yet , she’d do the job for him. But his heart was pounding in his ears and his hands were numb, and he couldn’t do it in a state like this. How could he get out of here and to his tent?
“I- I’m sorry, uh, but I think I, well- I think I need a moment to myself.”
He took off running, not even giving Little My a chance to respond, and thankfully she seemed to be respecting his wish.
He zipped his tent closed and lit his lamp. He couldn’t hear anything but the sound of his blood rushing through his head. Words are just units of sound that everyone collectively decides have meaning, yet saying what he said aloud fundamentally changed the shape of his reality. Never before had he told anyone his intention to confess to his best friend. It was just a nebulous — though anxiety provoking — idea floating around in his head, but now, it was a concrete plan being set in motion. One he wasn’t even sure would ever come to be. A year ago, he was certain he’d take these feelings to the grave with him. He felt as though he could vomit.
Deep breaths, deep breaths.
As his panic subsided, he eyed the now-flat beer he’d left here. Curiosity got the best of him and he decided to give it a taste, but nearly spit it out immediately. Too warm. No matter. His water canteen would suffice.
He could hear cheering and the crackling of fire outside, and knew the party had truly kicked off and now there’d be festivities, dancing, and music. A part of him yearned to be so carefree and not burdened with the responsibility of freeing his feelings. But Too-Ticky was right, he couldn’t keep living like this. All these complicated, unresolvable emotions were eating him alive. It was time to let go and open himself up to life being different.
Footsteps outside his tent brought him out of his mind. He sighed as he heard someone kneel in front of his tent.
“Knock, knock,” it was Moomintroll.
“Come in,” Snufkin replied.
“Hey, I saw you leave. Figured I’d come check on you,” Moomintroll said sheepishly. “I- I brought you a beer.”
Snufkin took the cold mug from his best friend and kept his eyes fixated on the foam, listening to the subtle fizz, keeping himself grounded. “Thank you.”
There was a pause.
“Would you like to, I dunno, get out of here for a while? Go sit out and watch the sun, maybe. Stay out of the commotion,” Moomintroll offered, his voice somewhat shakey.
Snufkin’s eyes broke away from his beer and met Moomintroll’s. “Yeah, I’d, uh, I’d like that.”
They walked wordlessly up a nearby hill, beers in hand, all the while Snufkin was rehearsing what he needed to say in his head, playing out a variety of scenarios, good and bad. Every now and then he’d steal glances at Moomintroll, trying to burn his best friend’s face into his memory. It was possible this was the last night they’d ever see each other.
At the top of the hill, they sat. The sun cast a dazzling display of pinks, oranges, and yellows with stunning indigo contrast from the wispy clouds.
Moomintroll broke the silence first, “it’s beautiful. Cheers.”
“Cheers,” Snufkin replied. They clinked their mugs together and took sips of their beer. He needed to rip the bandage off now. No point in easing into it.
“Moomintroll I-“
“I’ve been-“
They both spoke at the same time.
“You first,” Moomintroll said nervously.
“No, no, you,” Snufkin said.
“I insist, Snufkin,” Moomintroll replied.
No point in fighting him. Snufkin took a deep breath, closed his eyes for a moment, then turned to look at his friend. Moomintroll looked stunning in the golden light of the sun, and the expectant look on his face gave Snufkin a warm feeling in his chest.
“There’s something I’ve needed to tell you, for a long, long time.”
Snufkin could barely make out an excited little gasp and a faint pink forming on Moomintroll’s cheeks, and he smiled.
“I- I think,” the words jumbled in his throat. He took off his hat to work the frayed edges between his fingers. “I’m sorry, this is very hard for me.”
Moomintroll shook his head, “It’s okay Snufkin. I have a feeling, whatever it is, it’s all going to be okay.”
Snufkin’s cheeks were wet. He hadn’t noticed tears streaming down his face until just now.
“I- I’m in love with you, Moomintroll.”
The floodgates had opened. Snufkin was feeling everything all at once.
Moomintroll’s eyes were welling up tears. He scooted himself closer and took Snufkin’s hands in his own. Moomintroll hadn’t even said a word yet but Snufkin knew, he just knew. And it was the most intense wash of emotions he’d ever experienced in his memory.
“Snufkin, I-, y’know it’s funny. I was going to tell you the same thing,” Moomintroll said, giggling a bit with cheeks pink.
And suddenly Snufkin was laughing — between his sobs, that was. He felt silly, having been so in his head he’d missed what the others had been pointing towards without being so blunt. Moomintroll pulled him in close to his chest, and Snufkin could hear his best friend’s heart racing. He’d be melting like butter if he wasn’t completely overwhelmed with emotion. All he could do was laugh, and Moomintroll joined in.
He looked up at Moomintroll, who was beaming down at him. He was certain he looked horrendous, eyes swollen and bloodshot, face blotchy, yet he was also certain Moomintroll wasn’t phased.
“I think, when I was a little younger, I realized it was you. I got busy finding myself a few years ago, but I never was able to forget. That it was you. I didn’t want to,” Moomintroll said, his voice wavering from emotion yet clear as a bell at the same time.
Snufkin didn’t even really have words at this point. Any intelligent part of his brain seemed to have shut down by now. It felt so unreal in the best way possible. He had buried his face in Moomintroll’s soft white fur.
“Snufkin, how uh- how long have you felt this way?” Moomintroll asked.
“A decade,” he replied with what little energy he had left.
“Oh no, you- that’s so long to-“ Moomintroll hugged Snufkin tighter, a paw now entangled in his hair. The deep pressure on his back from the Moomin’s arms was soothing.
He was still. His heart was pounding but the encompassing warmth of Moomintroll embracing him felt like home.
Deep breaths, deep breaths.
Moomintroll pulled away slightly, and Snufkin glanced up at him. Their fingers were interlocked. “I love you too, Snufkin.”
Those words were like honey to Snufkin. All he wanted to do was be close to Moomintroll, and unlike all the times before, he didn’t have to hold back for fear of losing him. How he’d balance this with his need for space, he wasn’t going to concern himself with yet. For now, he just wanted to relish in the present. He felt a comfortable sleepiness creep up on him. His muscles, normally so tensed, were, for the first time since he could remember, fully relaxed.
“I’m sorry I don’t have many words,” Snufkin whispered, his thumb tracing circles on the back of Moomintroll’s paw.
“You don’t have to,” Moomintroll reassured, taking Snufkin’s face in his free paw.
“I’m just enjoying the freedom of this,” Snufkin sighed, allowing his head to settle into the Moomin’s paw.
“Yeah,” Moomintroll replied.
Snufkin readjusted so he could lay his head in Moomintroll’s lap, looking up at his love, who was wordlessly stroking his hair. The night-long sunset couldn’t compare to this view. His body felt weightless, his mind slow and steady. He reveled in the relief of having confessed and sugar-sweet bliss of being so totally, fully, unequivocally, in love.
He wasn’t sure when exactly, but a deep sleep cuddled up next to Moomintroll overtook him. A sleep that finally granted him true rest.