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See, Buck was used to being alone. Once Maddie left he was alone at home most of the time. Then he explored America with his Jeep and, sure, he made friends along the way, but they never stayed.
That is, until he met the 118. For the first time ever he felt like he belonged somewhere, he wasn’t alone anymore! However, he still felt like he was. The nagging feeling in the back of his mind that made him feel utterly alone despite being with people that he likes and that seemed to like him back, despite his many mistakes.
Then Eddie came along and for the first time, his brain was quiet. He had a partner, someone who had his back no matter what, who would listen to his ramblings and notice whenever he trailed off thinking no one was listening. Someone that saw how much of a mess Buck was and never once made him feel like a burden until-
“You’re exhausting!”
Ouch. Suddenly, Buck was 13 again, getting yelled at by his parents after doing something stupid to get their attention. Suddenly, he felt like he was alone in the world once again. He felt like maybe that was what he deserved, and no one made a move to make him feel otherwise. No one reached out, even once he dropped the charges. Not even Eddie or Carla. Maddie would invite him over sometimes, but it was very awkward to see Chim after everything, so he stopped going over. Actually, he stopped reaching out to anyone altogether, and they didn’t try to reach out either. He was alone and it hurt. Buck felt utterly stupid, after all how could he think everything would be different? People leave, that’s what they always do, and he shouldn’t have let himself forget that fact.
He did enough therapy to know how to recognize irrational and unhealthy thinking patterns, but no one ever made him feel like these were, in fact, irrational. He was alone once again and no one cared enough to patch things out. No one cared much about him, not even Eddie apparently. Maybe Chris did, but his father would never let him anywhere near Buck anymore. He fucked up the one good thing he ever had and he didn’t know how to cope with that fact.
Eddie was his rock, his person, his partner in more ways than one, Buck didn’t know who he was alone anymore. He was his own person but it was sure a lot easier to feel like he mattered when Eddie was around.
And that’s what brought him here, laying in his bed wide awake at 3 am spiraling deeper and deeper and not knowing how to get out of it. His brain was constantly working at 300 km/h, which could be useful when he had to think quickly on the job but now it just felt like he was stuck in quicksand with no way of getting out.
Buck felt worthless without his job. Not seeing his fr- colleagues anymore made him imagine what they might say. Hen would probably the nicest, asking if anyone heard about him lately. Chim would probably joke, something along the lines of “he’s probably planning his next screw up as we speak”. They’d probably laugh together, because Buck was always the laughingstock of the crew, which didn’t bother him when he actually had a way to retaliate.
He should probably call someone.
Bobby would shut it down quickly, but with a smile on his face showing that deep down he agreed. He’s seen Buck screw up a number of times, this was probably his last straw. Athena told him he was always welcome for dinner but neither of them tried to invite him back after he fucked it all up the last time. He managed to make all of his parental figures despise him without meaning to, it was probably a record, right?
He should probably call someone.
And Eddie…. Buck found pride in being the person that knew him best but in that situation he couldn’t possibly imagine how he’d react. Before he probably would’ve defended him, told them how he was trying his best and they shouldn’t be so harsh on him, but now-
“You’re exhausting!”
He probably shouldn’t call anyone.
He’d probably laugh right along with them, maybe add fuel to the fire. Make everything worse for Buck, and he’d probably deserve it. He managed to piss him off enough that he yelled at him in the middle of a grocery store after all.
The 118 could work perfectly without Buck. Maybe they’ll keep Lena, she seems to work well enough with Eddie, maybe even better than with him. They’ll probably become best friends, leaving Buck alone, as usual. He didn’t matter enough, he was replaceable, that much was made clear to him all throughout his life. No one liked him enough to stay, to keep him around because there was always someone better than him. He know this, he shouldn’t feel as bad as he does but suddenly the tears start falling and he can’t stop them.
He needs to call someone.
He’s sobbing uncontrollably, he can’t stop the tears from falling, he’s struggling to breathe. Everything hurts, inside and out. He can’t deal with anything anymore, everything is too hard he needs it to stop.
He’s calling someone.
Blindly, he grabs his phone, scrolls through his contacts and stops at Eddie’s name. He hesitates because-
“You’re exhausting!”
But still. He can’t be alone anymore. He needs someone before doing something stupid and maybe he needs the confirmation, something to either keep him going or throw him off the ledge. Something to get him out of the never ending downwards spiral he found himself stuck in, either to pull him out or bury him for good. So, he presses the call button.
The phone rings. Two. Three. Four times and right when he’s about to hang up-
“Hello? Buck?”
He freezes. He didn’t expect him to actually answer the phone and suddenly, his mind is empty. He can’t think of a single thing to say to him.
“Buck, are you okay?
-Eddie I-“
“You’re exhausting.” He winces and sniffles before continuing.
“Sorry this was a stupid call I shouldn’t have woken you up I-
-Buck. What is going on?
-Nothing I-“
He falters. He can’t lie to Eddie. Not again. Not after everything.
“Do you hate me?
-What?
-Just…. Answer the question. Do you hate me? Does the team hate me? How can I fix things Eddie I- I just want everything to be okay I didn’t want to fuck things up but I always do and I’d totally get it if you don’t want to talk to me ever again and-
-Buck! Slow down! What brought this on?”
And Buck breaks. Again.
“I feel so lonely Eddie! I haven’t talked to anyone in days and I’m going insane! I just… I can’t do it anymore I just need something-
-I’m coming over.”
And that was not the plan. He doesn’t need Eddie to come over in the middle of the night when he’s probably exhausted he just- he doesn’t want to bother him more than necessary this was not the plan at all.
“No! Don’t! don’t bother you’re probably exhausted and-
-Buck.” Eddie’s voice was calm, collected, soothing. “You sound like you need help or like you’re about to do something stupid and I am not letting that happening. I’m coming over, we’re going to talk, calmly, and I’m going to stay with you until you feel better. Deal?
-I don’t want to-
-You’re not bothering me. I’m doing this because I want to. Now, are you going to be okay alone while I’m driving? I can stay on the line if you want?
-No I- I’ll be okay.
-You sure?
-Yeah! I’ll be fine don’t worry.
-A bit too late for that sweetheart but okay, I trust you. See you soon.”
And he hangs up. Just like that.
Eddie’s coming over. Eddie didn’t sound like he hated him. Eddie called him sweetheart.
Buck wasn’t fully okay yet, he still felt shaky and like the silliest thing could make him break down, but he stopped crying at least. Maybe, just maybe, he could still fix things.
They aren't okay yet but they're going to be.