Work Text:
Fang was exhausted. With important exams coming his way, he felt always rushed.
There was this little voice in the back of his head that kept reminding him which sections he hasn’t studied yet, that he should revise and all these sort of school things.
His anxious perfectionism was also not helping him at all. He felt the need to do his best even in subject that didn't affect him directly, which consumed tons of time.
This week was especially hard, his sleeping schedule was messed up. He barely had any time for his precious Tan, which filled his insides with guilt. He blamed himself so much he even felt like there was an aftertaste of guilt in his mouth every time he swallowed. But that might be his sleep deprivation taking it out on him.
For this specific math exam he studied for days, he counted even together with Tan who tried to help him. The architecture maths was similar to engineering one, so they sat and counted for hours.
This test was so important that he even disscused it with other classmates. Which was something he didn’t do that often.
On the day of the test he was so nervous that he was shaking. He couldn't calm his hands nor breath. Tan stayed by his side until the last minute, which eased the pressure at least a little, however Fang wasn't calm anyways.
After the test, it didn't fall off of him immediately. It was more likely a slow realization that washed over him with time, the test was over. There was nothing he could do about it anyome.
For the rest of the day. Tan acted like Fang was made out of glass. Carrying everything for him, touching him lightly. Like brushing his fingertips over Fang's hand or little back pats. The best one was when Tan petted Fang's hair. Fang would never admit it, but he completely melted into this small gesture. Giving in his boyfriend’s charm kept him at ease for a few days.
Until today, it was the result day. Fang sat nervously in the uncomfortable wooden chair. His leg was restlessly tapping the ground. His fingernails dug into arm on his skin.
What a poor thing Tan couldn’t be here, he always put a firm stop to this habit. Fang thought to himself and smiled. His Teerak loved him so much that any time he picked his skin like this he always showered him with compliments and rushed to stop this unhealthy behavior. Always stating that “Fang is so precious that even Fang himself cannot hurt him” how silly it sounded, yet his playful tone always made Fang smile and actually stop him.
At this thought he carefully removed his hands from his arms, he didn’t want to make his boyfriend worry.
He tapped the table and looked around. Still a few more minutes. What could he do?
His body was in fight or flight mode. He checked the time like millions times. Glaring at the clock, hoping this will be over soon, yet he also wished to never get to know the true results.
He was so afraid! He bit his lip and leaned back.
After what seemed like an eternity a graded exam sheet landed in front of him.
B.
Fang felt the painful pang in his throat. As if something shattered in him.
He felt like those little pieces of shattered hope fell though his neck. Scratching and cutting open his throat. He felt the blood dripping into his stomach, which lead him to feel nauseous.
His vision went foggy.
I need Tan. I NEED TAN. flew through his mind. He stood up, but the little remaining part of rational thinking made him turn to the professors desk.
”Sir, I am so sorry, but could I ask why did you deduct me points in this part?” Fang asked with collected voice as if he wasn’t about to lose it. Fang was sure he got the equation right, yet the teacher was unsatisfied.
”Fang, you have the right numbers there. You’re right, but the problem cannot be solved like this. I could add you a few points but it wouldn’t impact your grade.” the teacher, the stupid teacher answered sounding so unbothered.
Fang clenched his fists. Fang, stop it, you cannot blame the teacher for your own stupidity.
Stupid test, stupid grade, but none of it was actually stupid. The only thing that was actually wrong was Fang. Fang could not stop thinking like this.
Fang wasn’t absolutely unaware of the fact that B was a really great grade. He passed, was above average, but this stupid B would show in his final mark. There would be many future benefits if he got higher marks. But he lost all rights to hope for these additional privileges.
Fang felt his eyes filling with tears. He usually wasn’t so emotional, however the sleep deprivation got the best out of him. His limbs felt heavy and numb. His brain seemed fogged, unable to focus, every interaction was so exhausting and most importantly every emotion he felt was multiplied to an unbearable level.
He needed to leave the classroom. Now. He rushed out. His body instinctively went to Tan who was waiting on a nearby bench.
Fang sat down, without saying hi, just staring. Staring into nothing, staring through reality, just staring. Drowning in his negative thoughts.
Tan was chatting with Pun so he didn’t react to Fang’s presence right away. What Fang took as, “I am being so overly dramatic that even my Teerak doesn’t want to interact with me” which not so surprisingly wasn’t that at all.
Tan looked at his Teerak with eyes full of emphatics, his heart was sore from seeing his boyfriend so vulnerable. He sent Pun away as he was sure that Fang wouldn’t want anyone else to see him in such a state.
Meanwhile Fang was spiraling. Falling deeper and deeper into negative thoughts about himself. He cannot do anything right. Ever. He always fucks up when he cares about it. Because he’s so stupid. Every is his fault.
stop it! Stop it! the last part of his rational thinking is trying to yell over all these negative thoughts. Stop it! Stop it! It the only thing he can hear right now. You’re stupid - stop it - if only you were smarter- stop it - you’re so stupid, so useless- stop it - so unlovable- stop it, stop it please!!
Hands tightly squeezed his shoulders. It’s this tight warm hug that snapped him out of all this spiraling.
”Fang? Teerak. I guess it didn’t go as planned. It’s okay, YOU’re okay, I am here for you” Tan still hadn’t let go, kneeling and hugging him from bellow is something that sparked life back into Fang.
”The teacher said that even with one more equation right, I still wouldn’t be able to get an A” these words were empty.
Just as Fang’s look, still fully focused on nothing. Not even a single glance at his boyfriend.
He knew that if he looked at Tan he would start crying. And still it’s just a grade, he doesn’t want to be crying so easily like this.
Gentle fingers grabbed his chin and made him face his love.
”Fang, please look at me. Maybe it was meant to be” soft voice of Tan kept murmuring reassurance.
Fang looked at his gorgeous caring boyfriend. His eyes were filled with worry for him.
Fang could help himself, his lips begun to tremble. His eyes filling with unwanted tears, started spilling out slowly.
That pouty lips were something indescribably adorable to Tan, yet in this situation he felt how heavy his heart was, feeling every emotion with his loved one.
”Ohh, Teerak” he said softly, his angelic beautiful quiet boyfriend was even quieter when he cried. Not a single word or sound slipped out of that little picture of misery.
”I know. It’s just a stupid grade, and still passing one, I just put so much effort into it and I-“ Fang wanted to explain himself, explain everything, but was he even explaining it to Tan? Because it felt more like he was explaining it to himself. When his voice cracked, he couldn’t bring himself to continue.
”Fang, look into my eyes and listen, na Teerak? I know what you’re thinking. You are not stupid, you are in fact the smartest person I know. I am here for you. Always and for everything” Tan explained it so calmly yet confidently it made Fang return to his common sense.
He snuggled deeper Tan into a tight embrace.
”I love you, Tan. Fang loves Tan. But I don’t always love myself” Fang sniffled into Tan’s shirt.
Tan didn’t have to be mind reader to notice how exhausted Fang was. After checking they both didn’t have any more classes today, Tan suggested they’d go to his place.
On the way, they bought some food. Nonetheless Fang was still numb, he said he wasn’t hungry and just nibbled small pieces of rice.
Tan knew the best that forcing Fang to do anything right now wouldn’t have any positive effect.
As they arrived to Tan’s condo. Tan sat Fang onto his bed.
”You could wear this t shirt” Tan suggested a big oversized pastel green one from his closet.
Fang even though he smiled a few times already at Tan’s cheesy jokes, still felt numb and didn’t respond.
So Tan as the perfect boyfriend he was, took off Fang’s shirt and dressed him into the comfy one. He took off his trousers too.
Then he quickly swap his own clothes into home as comfortable ones.
He sat next to Fang. Leading him to lay down and cuddle.
Fang immediately laid his head on Tan’s chest, hugging his torso tightly.
Tan wrapped one hand around Fang’s back and the other one stroked Fang’s soft long hair lightly.
Fang was smiling, his heart swelling with affection. He wiggled and snuggled to make himself even more comfortable.
Withing fifteen minutes of this vulnerable and adorable moment, Fang fell asleep.
Tan smiled to himself. This was his plan, seeing Fang so exhausted he needed to trick him into resting. Fang was like a big baby sometimes, but Tan couldn’t love that more.
”Tan loves Fang” Tan whispered, he knew once Fang will wake up everything will be okay.
Fang was simply so overwhelmed that he needed a break. The break that Tan was here to give him. Tan was so sure because the atmosphere in the room was relaxed, filled with love and comfort even when they were cuddling.
They loved each other though ups and downs. And nothing will ever stop Tan from taking care of his beloved Fang. His teerak.