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Emil felt like he was about to burst – he had killed his first troll, had almost died himself, blown up the first Old World-building he ever set foot in, almost blown up Lalli… But Lalli was safe now and so were the rest of his team, rushing away in the cat tank. (He still thought that the name didn’t have the appropriate gravitas for a historic mission like theirs but Tuuri was not wrong about the UV-lights looking like cat ears and in any case, right now he couldn’t be bothered by anything because he was just so psyched to be alive!)
Then the adrenaline wore off and it felt like he was falling back to earth, like gravity had suddenly multiplied. The buzz of being alive turned into nausea. He tried to breathe in deep but couldn’t, the little air he got was corrupted with the stench of decay. Suddenly he became aware of all the blood and slime he was covered it, that clung to him as if it wanted to drown him in a sea of disease. And then there was only darkness.
He woke in his bunk, felt for his hair with eyes still closed: damp but clean. Breathing was easier and the only smell that lingered was that of disinfectant. He started to stretch, letting out a groan that was suddenly interrupted when he realized: his binder was gone. He sat up, wincing at sore muscles, wide eyes taking in Mikkel, who was sitting beside him, calmly sorting through his kit.
“You really shouldn’t wear these things more than eight hours at a time, let alone under physical stress”, he said in the tone of a honed medical professional.
“I… uhm… thought that…”, Emil started but soon realized that he didn’t actually know what he was thinking. One step at a time, he had told himself. Make a good first impression, don’t let there be a repeat of what happened at the academy.
They hadn’t taken him seriously after they found out he was a “fake”. They called him “princess”, or worse, and roughed him up while saying things like: “Maybe we can make a man out of you after all.” (Emil had to laugh at this one. It reminded him of one of the old drawn films that his parents took him to see when they still were able to afford that kind of stuff. It even had song with those exact words in it. After that, his comrades were only more convinced that he was crazy. Whoever laughs, however bitterly, while being beaten up can’t be alright.) The captain had assigned him to the women’s barracks after that. And while his new roommates were much nicer, they still kept their distance.
Without the misery that followed, he might not have been the cleanser he was today. Be confident, you’re better than all of them! Burn twice as much, they’ve got nothing on you! He definitely didn’t mind the burning part, but he constantly had to bite his tongue or backtrack whenever he said something that could possibly be construed as unmanly. (Guess you can’t be an authentic male without fragile masculinity…)
Uncle Torbjörn’s mission had been the perfect opportunity to prove himself. A fresh start, with lots of fame and fortune thrown in. He’d make the perfect first impression, earn everyone’s respect burning down trolls nests and earn a bunch of money finding the best books. He realised now that he probably should have thought about this more but how had he been supposed to know that things would already go so horribly wrong on the second day?
Mikkel had gone back to taking stock of his medical supplies when it was clear that Emil wasn’t going to finish his sentence. Emil shook of the memories and tried again, not quite sure which answer he was hoping for: “Do the others know…? That, I mean…”
Thankfully, Mikkel didn’t make him finish the sentence. “Not yet. I made sure that they gave you some space. It never helps crowding around someone who is unconscious. But I suppose they will find out eventually and you’d feel better being open with them.”
Emil nodded and sank back into his pillow, feeling positively doomed. Mikkel packed up his supplies and was ambushed by Tuuri just as he was pulling the door shut behind him. She was carrying a book and brimming with excitement: “Is he okay? Can I go in now? I promise to not upset him!” Mikkel could hardly offer a grunt before she squeezed past him into the sleeping quarters.
“Emil! I’m so glad you are okay! You’ll have to tell me all about the troll and –”, she was looking at Emil’s chest now. “You have boobs”, she said, suddenly more quiet. Startled, Emil pulled up the blanket, already knowing that it was too late.
Tuuri realized she had been staring and was blushing now. “I mean, they’re nice boobs.” She was pretty sure that that was not the right thing to say as soon as she’d said it.
“Don’t care for them much myself, to be honest”, Emil muttered, avoiding her gaze. It was all over now, he might as well be sarcastic. “Was there anything in particular…?”
Tuuri had regained most of her composure and had decided that trolls and books were more interesting now. She held up the bleached out volume she had brought with her: “Look at this book you got from the library! It’s got all these machines in it and they can fly! Sigrun says I’m making things up but I’m pretty sure it says that they can even travel in space!”
A relieved smile crossed Emil’s face. He could tell that Tuuri was not going to stop talking for a while and so made himself comfortable. Thinking about space sure makes one’s own problems seem less significant…
He must have dozed off at some point because when he woke up again, Tuuri was gone and Sigrun was rummaging through her pack. “Oh hey, sleepyhead! Sorry if I woke you up.” Emil was glad that she currently had her hands full, as he did not feel up for the shoulder slap that usually accompanied that grin.
He remembered Mikkel’s advice and started: “Uhm, Sigrun. I have to tell you…”
Sigrun didn’t even let him finish. “Oh, I know.” Emil’s eyes widened in shock. Had it been that clear all along?
“Tuuri managed to go a whole of fifteen minutes without mentioning it”, she continued with a chuckle.
He felt the blood rise to his cheeks, didn’t really know what to say next: “I’m sorry, I…”
Sigrun cut him off again: “Listen, I don’t care what your body looks like as long as it’s coming back from this mission in one piece. Now hurry up and get better, I can’t go out there without my right-hand man!”
She smiled and kicked her pack back under her bunk. As she sauntered off, Emil wondered whether she had deliberately not said “right-hand warrior” this time. But even if she didn’t notice, he had, and he would remember it. Now there was only one person left to worry about…
Lalli didn’t say anything when he came in some time later. Then again, he hardly ever did. For some reason, Emil had been worrying about Lalli’s reaction the most. It didn’t make sense, they didn’t even talk, but he had hoped that they could become friends nonetheless.
And now it seemed like Lalli wasn’t having much of a reaction at all. He just patted his head and disappeared under the bunk. Emil was still wondering whether this was a good sign, when a slender hand appeared from beneath the bed to drop off half a cookie next to his pillow.
In that moment, that half of a cookie was the most precious thing he owned.
“God nått, Lalli.”
“Hyvää yötä.”